My Drishti

What would be my answer to, What have I learned during the past nine months?

Keep my eyes focused on Jesus.
That's the heart of it.

Keep God as my drishti.

I will explain.

Drishti is a yoga term for the point you focus on, or gaze on. The point you direct your eyes to when you are in a pose. Most important to me in the balancing poses, to find a drishti that isn't too low to the floor so I fall forward, or too much to the left so I lean left, too far to the right and I lean right. Too high up, well, that doesn't seem to be a problem as I haven't started to levitate from a pose, yet.

Choose God as my focal point all day long.

Put God in the center of my everything.

Live in His presence.

Refer to Him, look to Him, think about Him.

Pursue Him.

Be used by Him.

Realize that my relationship with God is the single most important thing in every minute of my life. 

How in the world do I do THAT? Just like those abs in yoga, if I take my focus off for even just a little bit, my gaze goes elsewhere and I loose it. I veer off the path He has set out for me. I need to ask God to help me keep focused on Him. I need to CHOOSE to do this. All Day Long.

How can you keep your focus on something that is invisible? That's why you have to be still. Remember from Psalm 46, Be Still. Rushing around, busy as a bumblebee and processing the one thousand or so sensory bits coming at us each day. Well let's face it. You will not be able to see the invisible.  You can barely see the visible world zooming by you.

Be Still, wait on the Lord, ask for His help, seek first His kingdom, acknowledge His Glory.  Like the shepherd of Psalm 23, He will restore your soul, provide your every need, guide you, be with you. He will even anoint your head with oil. More so, He will do this FOREVER.

Get that, HE will do this. FOREVER.

That's the IDEA in capital letters. But what is the action plan, oh you ask, those of you who have sat through strategic planning weekends?  For me, at this point in my life, here it is. It will change through the years, I know. But for me now:

• Add some items to my daily life so that my gaze rests on reminders of God throughout the day.  I will post Bible verses around my home, place a cross on the wall next to the garage door, wear my pink pearl bracelet always always always to remind me to be thankful. 

• Bells of mindfulness. I will try to think of God every time I walk through a door. A door is transition, change from one room to another, an end and a beginning. I will try this. If it doesn't work, I will try another Bell of Mindfulness. 

• Take time to talk with God especially when I wake up and when I lay down. 

• Put aside time during the day to read the Bible (printing out Psalms and leaving them around the house works) and to study the Bible with others. Be excited about what I read, just as I am Franzen's latest novel or the new new movie that's just out. 

• Go to church and stay active at church. Be an enthusiastic Christian at church. Do you get more out of a sport by watching it being played, or by being on that very team that is playing? Hm, well then, don't just show up at church on Sundays, become a part of the church. Join a small group bible study, volunteer at church.

• Looking into retreats. In a lifelong journey, I need to have some variety and a shot of adrenaline to keep it alive. I want to allow myself time and atmosphere to actively go inside my soul once in awhile, so I don't need to get cancer again. Ever. Retreats, or at least travel. Get out of the normal routine once in awhile.

• Continue using guided meditation tapes by Colleen Arnold, Bernie Siegel, Joyce Rupp, etc.

• Search out friends who feed my soul. Appreciate and grow the friendships that already do. Make sure I take time each day to be with friends, and family. Remember, no one's dying breath has even been, Oh I wish I had spent more time at the office or Oh I wish I had vacuumed the floor more often. 

• Keep love and light and forgiveness and thankfulness as not only words but as actions in my life. 

• Be gentle on myself. Don't put myself first, or last.

• Live intentionally.

• Evaluate how am I doing, once a year on the anniversary of the end of my past nine months.  

• Choose Love. 

My nine months of healing physically and spiritually are done.

Thank you dear friends for your prayers and kindnesses,
for your showers of love
and for your hands that lifted me up.

Thank you for walking down the path with me.
I could not have done this alone.

You and I, we are divine and we are loved.
With an everlasting love.

How cool is that?

At My Kansas

Isn't the internet a hoot. I googled "halfway point across United States" and up came Lebanon, Kansas.
Halfway.
I'm at the Kansas of my 33 radiation treatments.

Will be done Tuesday December 28th. I thought I'd be done before Christmas, but I didn't factor in Thanksgiving and Christmas days off. The last eight treatments are intense booster treatments, where they target the lump site specifically.

How do I feel? Glad to be here, is what I answer. As that is the truth. Wherever I am.

I told Dr. S (radiology oncologist) Monday I was tired. He said, increase coffee. WHAT? I drink green tea. Super Anti-oxidant Yogi Green Tea. His response, this week is the most energetic I will feel for the next two months. Maybe longer. So for the next six months, he says, drink coffee.  I will appreciate the caffeine. He talked about the Christmas flavors Starbucks has, try the Peppermint and Caramel and something else.  Starbucks, here I come....

I am sunburned. Using aloe morning and night, the little cactus sits on my bathroom counter. I snip off an inch or two, slit the sides and rub it on my skin. It sinks right in. They have suggested I use Aquaphor immediately after each treatment, which is mostly petrolatum, so I do. Today or tomorrow I need to buy a cotton bra with no under wire.

My lymphocytes are below normal. I am told to stay away from too many germs. Red blood cells are in the normal range, WAY TO GO GUYS!

No other effects. I am visualizing my lungs, heart and bones in that area being shielded from radiation. The radiology technicians continue to be in such good spirits, very up beat and sensitive to me the patient. Yesterday they were taking extra x-rays before the treatment (again.) After the x-rays, I was lying there in position (hands over head, head tilted to right) for about three minutes, which seems like thirty when you are lying there wondering why they aren't doing the treatment. They came in to tell me we were waiting for the computer to reboot, not that the x-rays were an issue. Just nice to be told.

I continue to be achy in my muscles and tendons. Not the joints. Last two weeks, I woke up middle of the night with my outside upper arms aching. This week it is much better. Top of hamstrings and quads ache if I have been sitting too long. It seems they don't quite recover from motion as normal cells do, like they don't have the blood flowing in and out at a normal clip to remove the lactic acid built up from routine muscle use. That's my theory. Dr. M (oncologist) said this week (yes, lots of doctors visits this week and next) to give myself a full year after chemo for the side effects to subside. okay.

Good news, I am not experiencing any nerve pain. Your prayers worked great guys! This is wonderful!

More good news, to those of you who have been following the saga of our basset hound, she has slept a night in her new crate. She has risen above the horrors of chewing out of the old metal one, forgotten the trauma of the cheeping smoke detector, and goes into her new crate voluntarily. Phew.

Mike and I have started yoga, now twice a week. R comes to our home, we roll out our mats, ting the bells, and flow through our postures. LOVE IT. I feel less achy after yoga.

I continue acupuncture weekly. And daily afternoon meditation. Some days for sixty minutes, some days only ten. Several different CD's of it on my IPAD. Variety is the spice of life.

Exercise every day. I took Sporty for a thirty minute brisk walk at lunch.

Today the first of our Orlando Home Grown Groceries will be delivered. Local and organic.

Had a vegetarian dinner last night for the first time I can remember, Lentil Soup (tumeric, cumin, onion, carrot, garlic, tomato, spinach, chic peas) with bread from Antonios, fresh Manchego Cheese, blueberries. Organic Blackberry Jam bars for dessert.

Who are these people living in our home?  Did aliens take our Mike and my bodies?

Last night Corey practiced yoga and ate with us.  And pointed out that the Jam bars had sugar and butter in them. YES they did, you don't want to shock our bodies, it's baby steps.

I am peaceful, and confident God will lead me to whatever changes and redirections he wants me to make in our lives. We are trying things, some will stick, some not.  How comforting to know he is in charge.

And even more comforting to know he will be with me tomorrow loving me, and with me all my tomorrows. 

And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age. Matthew 28

Life's looking better

Feeling so much better today, physically and emotionally. What a difference one day can make! What makes the difference? Time, immersing myself in positive thoughts while trying to throw the negative ones out the window. Being gentle on myself instead of criticizing myself. Meditation with guided messages (one on healing was good.) Talking with Mike. Listening to last week's sermon online. Playing Angry Birds and Scrabble and Words with Friends. Seeing improvement in Sporty. Getting more sleep.

Halloween evening just made me feel good inside too. Relaxed evening sitting in lawn chairs on the street with neighbors, gathered around a fire pit, eating chili and Peanut M&M's, giving out candy and chatting with the younger neighbors. How fun is that?

Sporty now has a kid's t-shirt, which fits her better and protects the staples and stitches. She was up at 5 AM again this morning with her paw caught in the shirt, but that was before I got a smaller size shirt. Actually she is wearing two t-shirts. Double coverage. I think we will all get a good night's sleep tonight.

Today I had my first yoga session at D's home, it was great! The leader R was incredibly knowledgeable and kind. A relaxing session, I didn't do everything all the way. I want to add some things to my life to help me stay relaxed and in tune with my spirit. Yoga is one. Meditation is another.

I am still tired. It's a different tired than pre-chemo. It's achy and itchy eyes and heavy tired. But my mind isn't tired, which is why it's so difficult to lie down at time. I know I should rest.  I will rest. Gives me a chance to be still, to visualize healing, to let my thoughts wander, and to pray.

Eugene Peterson, translator of The Message, spoke of the Christian life as "a long obedience in the same direction."  I have learned once again, in healing as well as life, this is a marathon not a sprint. This part of healing is SO MUCH EASIER than the physically taxing chemo. I tend to be impatient. I want it done NOW.  Nope Sara, be patient. Take those deep breaths. What is the rush?

I'm in it for the long haul.