My Drishti

What would be my answer to, What have I learned during the past nine months?

Keep my eyes focused on Jesus.
That's the heart of it.

Keep God as my drishti.

I will explain.

Drishti is a yoga term for the point you focus on, or gaze on. The point you direct your eyes to when you are in a pose. Most important to me in the balancing poses, to find a drishti that isn't too low to the floor so I fall forward, or too much to the left so I lean left, too far to the right and I lean right. Too high up, well, that doesn't seem to be a problem as I haven't started to levitate from a pose, yet.

Choose God as my focal point all day long.

Put God in the center of my everything.

Live in His presence.

Refer to Him, look to Him, think about Him.

Pursue Him.

Be used by Him.

Realize that my relationship with God is the single most important thing in every minute of my life. 

How in the world do I do THAT? Just like those abs in yoga, if I take my focus off for even just a little bit, my gaze goes elsewhere and I loose it. I veer off the path He has set out for me. I need to ask God to help me keep focused on Him. I need to CHOOSE to do this. All Day Long.

How can you keep your focus on something that is invisible? That's why you have to be still. Remember from Psalm 46, Be Still. Rushing around, busy as a bumblebee and processing the one thousand or so sensory bits coming at us each day. Well let's face it. You will not be able to see the invisible.  You can barely see the visible world zooming by you.

Be Still, wait on the Lord, ask for His help, seek first His kingdom, acknowledge His Glory.  Like the shepherd of Psalm 23, He will restore your soul, provide your every need, guide you, be with you. He will even anoint your head with oil. More so, He will do this FOREVER.

Get that, HE will do this. FOREVER.

That's the IDEA in capital letters. But what is the action plan, oh you ask, those of you who have sat through strategic planning weekends?  For me, at this point in my life, here it is. It will change through the years, I know. But for me now:

• Add some items to my daily life so that my gaze rests on reminders of God throughout the day.  I will post Bible verses around my home, place a cross on the wall next to the garage door, wear my pink pearl bracelet always always always to remind me to be thankful. 

• Bells of mindfulness. I will try to think of God every time I walk through a door. A door is transition, change from one room to another, an end and a beginning. I will try this. If it doesn't work, I will try another Bell of Mindfulness. 

• Take time to talk with God especially when I wake up and when I lay down. 

• Put aside time during the day to read the Bible (printing out Psalms and leaving them around the house works) and to study the Bible with others. Be excited about what I read, just as I am Franzen's latest novel or the new new movie that's just out. 

• Go to church and stay active at church. Be an enthusiastic Christian at church. Do you get more out of a sport by watching it being played, or by being on that very team that is playing? Hm, well then, don't just show up at church on Sundays, become a part of the church. Join a small group bible study, volunteer at church.

• Looking into retreats. In a lifelong journey, I need to have some variety and a shot of adrenaline to keep it alive. I want to allow myself time and atmosphere to actively go inside my soul once in awhile, so I don't need to get cancer again. Ever. Retreats, or at least travel. Get out of the normal routine once in awhile.

• Continue using guided meditation tapes by Colleen Arnold, Bernie Siegel, Joyce Rupp, etc.

• Search out friends who feed my soul. Appreciate and grow the friendships that already do. Make sure I take time each day to be with friends, and family. Remember, no one's dying breath has even been, Oh I wish I had spent more time at the office or Oh I wish I had vacuumed the floor more often. 

• Keep love and light and forgiveness and thankfulness as not only words but as actions in my life. 

• Be gentle on myself. Don't put myself first, or last.

• Live intentionally.

• Evaluate how am I doing, once a year on the anniversary of the end of my past nine months.  

• Choose Love. 

My nine months of healing physically and spiritually are done.

Thank you dear friends for your prayers and kindnesses,
for your showers of love
and for your hands that lifted me up.

Thank you for walking down the path with me.
I could not have done this alone.

You and I, we are divine and we are loved.
With an everlasting love.

How cool is that?

Psalm 46

If you think that my past nine months can be thought of as a high risk exploration of uncharted darkness, then here's a quote.

We shall not cease from exploration. 
And the end of all our exploring will be to arrive where we started 
and know the place for the first time. T. S. Eliot. 

Where was my starting block for this nine month race?

It was sitting in the car in the radiology parking lot, before hearing my biopsy results. I asked God for a verse, because I knew the results were going to be cancer. They had called me minutes before, asking me to appear in person to hear my biopsy results. I wasn't going to leave the car until I had a verse. A verse to hold in my heart the entire time. The verse He gave me was

Be still, and know that I am God. Psalm 46. 
have held onto that verse for nine months. I have it posted over my computer at my desk, I have had Psalm 46 printed out and sitting on my bedside table, I have had this verse on the bottom of my e-mails for the past nine months.  I have seen this verse and repeated it at least a dozen times each day. I have thought about it for hours.

The "Be Still" part happened. We knew that would. We all see that. I was physically tired,  made to feel ill from surgeries, chemo, radiation.  Had to stop my life and take a break. My soul was able to take a breather as well. Not as much stimulus coming in, allowing for more thought time and inner conversations. I could meditate, think, pray, roll an idea around my mind for hours and hours. Uninterrupted.

The "and Know that I am God" part is what took the nine months for me to see; I hope I will be understanding this part more deeply each year.

Reading the entire Psalm, it is a really powerful Psalm. I have copied it at the end of this entry. This isn't a Psalm about meditation and a mild-mannered middle aged woman  like me doing a workbook on Jesus in the safety of my light blue upholstered chair with a cup of tea sitting next to me. No, this is a Psalm about the ONLY true source of life and light and love in the world. Who has the WHOLE UNIVERSE in the palm of His hand. The point of reference is HUGE natural disaster or nations at war.

God is so powerful that when the very ground you are standing on crumbles without a moment's notice, and when something you knew to be the very definition of solid and trustworthy starts to disintegrate and slide beneath the surface into the darkness, well, God is patiently waiting for you to look to Him. We are told to Be Still. In the midst of earthquakes and tsunamis, war and suffering, sickness and health. Be Still, and look to Him.

You know, that is how I have felt so many times, especially at the start of the past nine months. Sitting hearing the doctor say It's cancer, as if the very ground I am standing on is crumbling. Deciding between mastectomy or lumpectomy, as if mountains are sliding into the crashing ocean. It is all falling apart, my life, my marching forward, many-faceted life. What power can put this out of control train back on the track?

God.

Know that He is the center of all we know, the creator of all life, the source of all love and light.

What does "know" mean?

To know an idea is to understand it in your brain. But it is more. To know is to have that idea move from the academic memorizing of it as a fact, to the deep seated understanding of it as a three dimensional substantial truth. To see its depth and width and height and its colors. To know is to have it become a part of you.
God wants me to know that He is God. Really know this. Know it so much that it becomes a part of me. That I live every day as if I know HE is the absolute truth, the most solid of solid and powerful of powerful.

The more I know that He is God, the more I see that I want the King of the Universe, the Creator and Savior of Man, the Author and Finisher of my faith to be, well, everything in my life. I want Him to be who I say hello to when I wake up. I want to praise Him and thank Him first thing. I want to let Him guide my steps and my thoughts all day long. I want Him to fill me with His Spirit and His Love. I want to take refuge in Him, to be used by Him, to be restored by Him and to be guided by Him.

How in the world do I do THAT? Well, since He is so powerful, it is simple. Ask Him to help me. The only part I have to do it ask, and then be still so I can hear His answers, all day every day.  Just obey.
-------------------------------------------------------

Psalm 46^. A song.

 ¹ God is our refuge and strength,
   an ever-present help in trouble.
² Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way
   and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea,
³ though its waters roar and foam
   and the mountains quake with their surging.


 ⁴ There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God,
   the holy place where the Most High dwells.
⁵ God is within her, she will not fall;
   God will help her at break of day.
⁶ Nations are in uproar, kingdoms fall;
   he lifts his voice, the earth melts.

 ⁷ The LORD Almighty is with us;
   the God of Jacob is our fortress.

 ⁸ Come and see what the LORD has done,
   the desolations he has brought on the earth.
⁹ He makes wars cease
   to the ends of the earth.
He breaks the bow and shatters the spear;
   he burns the shields with fire.
¹⁰ He says, “Be still, and know that I am God;
   I will be exalted among the nations,
   I will be exalted in the earth.”

 ¹¹ The LORD Almighty is with us;
   the God of Jacob is our fortress.

Random lessons from my IPAD

Over the past nine months I have written on my IPAD notebook lessons I learned at that given moment. Here they are, in order of being written...

1. Every one has some part of their heart that is fragile, not just people with cancer. Everyone is fighting some battle. Be encouraging to everyone.

2. The saying isn't 'God never gives you more than you can handle.'

        It is 'God can handle anything you have.' and He always wins.

3. Choose joy.

4. Do not let the fear horses out of the stable.

5. Jesus will provide for all your needs, even the ones You don't realize you have.

6. It is okay to take care yourself.

7. I need a community.

Figure out a way, your way, to stay close to Jesus. To stay connected to God. When Mom died, M said I glowed. And I felt amazingly peaceful. B said she never felt more alive than when she was going through chemo. Jesus is right here, He is as real as a rock. He is as solid as the chair i am sitting on. So are the prayers of friends. He is abiding in me. I don't want this part to change! This is why some people go to mass every day, to stay connected. I know prayer and bible reading time gets shoved smaller and becomes non existent when I am healthy. I don't want that to happen ever again. God will show me the way.

Remember to thank Jesus for his healing every day, from my toes on up, healing by the blood of the lamb who was slain for me. Healing by the Grace of God.

Don't shy away from people offering you gifts, kind words, opening up to you.

Never refuse a cup of hot tea, especially if it is peppermint.

Heal me God that I might do your will, to your glory, for the rest of my life. From Fr Jim Holbeck sermon online.

Each day, even during chemo and radiation, will be a beautiful day!

Trust God will tell me every step of the way.

I need Jesus.

Busy isn't the goal. If you don't want to be too busy, you won't be. It is your choice. You have a choice.

God will be there in my future. Don't fear it.

Don't let that sun set on your anger. Forgive. Forgive completely, without reservations.

Apologize. As far as is possible, be at peace with everyone. Love them. Pray for them.

Meditate every day.

Choose who you spend your time with. Choose carefully, for you will become like them.

Hang up the superwoman cape. I can't do everything.

Choose to do good. If you know something is wrong, just DON"T DO IT. Don't be tempted, don't rationalize. If you dance too close to the fire, you will get burned at some point. Believe me, doing the right thing and loving unconditionally is far more wild and crazy and  fun than choosing the shadows.

Search for people, places, things and events to nourish your soul. It's the only part of you that is eternal.

Take the time to love yourself, so that then, from the overflow, you can spill out love on others.

Live with integrity. What is integrity? Keep your promises. Speak truth. Admit mistakes right away.

Live transparently.

Seek a relationship with God with your whole heart.  Being in a community of Christians makes it a lot easier. We are meant to live in community.

Religion is man-made. When you hear something religious, just make sure it holds up under the light of  "God is Love."

You have time to do everything that is important to you. Once in awhile, do a self-check and see where you spend most your time, what is important to you.

People who love generously will always feel loved, at some point.

Don't repeatedly tell God your same problems or worries. Tell them to him once or a few times, then live trusting and thanking Him for his answer, even before you see it.

Do not be afraid of darkness. In it you will find your light, and your light will be clearer than ever.

I am one grain of sand on the beach.

Being still is the most exciting part of my day.

Keep your focus on God. All day long.

Sent from my iPad 

December 22, 2001

Wednesday nine years ago my mother died. God gave me two gifts that night, one I asked for specifically and one I never ever could have even imagined, that was and will always be one of the most close-to-heaven moments ever. Let me tell you how it all happened.

Mom and I were close, very close. We laughed , we argued, we planned, we figured things out. Spent a lot of time together.  Discussed every detail of my life, the kids, Mike, and her and Dad. Mom was one of those people who are like glue and magnets. She knew how to engage people and knit them together in a substantial way like glue, and people were drawn to her warmth like iron to a magnet. The last five years of her life she was in a wheelchair, her body failing her from forty years of insulin-dependent diabetes. She was overweight, partially blind from macular degeneration. She was on oxygen twenty four hours a day, due to chronic obstructive pulmonary disease. Despite all this,  she was full of life.

College graduation, Mike and I with my parents

I got a phone call from Dad on December second,  to come right away.  Mom had fainted and fallen, and didn't want him to call 911. I was close by, and got there in about ten minutes. Mom had gotten herself back into bed and was lying on her right side. I lay next to her, she was crying. She said, Sara don't call the ambulance. I just want to die. I am ready. Please just let me die.  Oh no Mom, I said. Let's get the ambulance, have them take you right to the Winter Park Hospital and let's see what happened, why you fell.

So we did and they came. For eighteen days in Winter Park Hospital we were hopeful. They tested Mom all around, she was walking a few steps with her walker, she was breathing better. She had a private room, we had a CD player with Christmas Carols going, we read from the Bible, from the Episcopal Prayer Book. So hopeful.

The morning of December twentieth, I walked into her room to see two nurses holding her up in bed, trying to get her sit up. She couldn't hold her head up, kept slouching her back, couldn't talk. It was as if she were continually almost waking up, then right away falling asleep. I told them to lie her back on the bed. They did. I called her doctors and Dr. W arrived within the hour. Her kidneys had shut down, her heart rate and blood pressure were below normal, her oxygen level was terribly low, her body was failing.

Thankfully we have fantastic General Practitioners who are willing to talk honestly.  And pray with you. They explained to us what was happening to Mom's body.  They would do their best to keep her comfortable throughout her dying. He had the IV and monitors disconnected. Medicines discontinued. The nurses came in every three hours to check Mom's pulse, that is it. And morphine if she ever grimaced or groaned as if in pain.

I stayed in the chair next to her that day. And the next. And the next. She lay there not moving. I massaged
moisture cream onto her feet and legs. I moistened her lips with water and lip goop. I prayed, sang, read to her. I talked to her. I told her it was okay to die.

The afternoon of December twenty second, Mom hadn't moved or spoken or opened her eyes in two days. I was sitting in my brown vinyl reclining chair next to her hospital bed. Mom was lying on her side, with her back to me. I heard her say, Sara, and then she giggled. Two days she hadn't moved to spoken a word. I shot up, leaned over her and said, What is it Mom?

She said, in a clear strong voice, Oh Sara the puppies, don't you love the puppies? So many puppies. Yes, I said. I love them.  Her eyes were closed, she was gripping my hand in hers.

She went on, smiling and talking with animation, And the daisies. So many daisies. In the meadow, so beautiful. Daisies all around me. I can pick them. Aren't they beautiful, Sara?

Oh, they are beautiful Mom. Just beautiful.

And there's Uncle Charlie. Giggle - giggle. Uncle Charlie.

Who's Uncle Charlie, I ask. No answer.

Sara, You have been the best daughter I could ever have had. I am so happy.

Oh Mom, you have been the best mom.  I love you so much.

Yes I know.

Silence.

Mom, what do you see now?

Daisies, daisies. Uncle Charlie is holding out his arms to me. He wants me to go with him. I love you.

Mom, go. It's okay. I love you.

Then she stopped talking. Didn't move. Didn't say another word. This was late in the afternoon of December twenty second. I was speechless. I had heard that she felt my love. Through all my years with Mom, the mistakes I made, anything I had done that had hurt her, she forgave me. She knew I loved her. Oh, thank you Lord for these words. And she was happy, dying was a happy ending for her. I knew what the puppies and daisies meant, but not Uncle Charlie.

Puppies. Mom's father's job was raising, showing and judging Golden Retrievers and Irish Setters. They had a six run Puppy Kennel at Tercor Kennels. It was like heaven in there. You would step into the puppy box and six to ten puppies would crawl all over you, licking and nudging and tumbling. I can even smell their warm smell now. Cuddly and cozy. Unconditional love.

Daisies. Mom's favorite flower. White with yellow centers. Her childhood home had a meadow beyond the kennels.  In summer it was filled with wild daisies. Magical. The brook beyond, and past that the blueberries and asparagus patch. Joy as of a child.

Uncle Charlie. I asked Mom's sister who he was. He was their first relative to die, their mother's brother. My aunt remembered the funeral, the reception afterward at the house. My Mom saw her uncle reaching for her. Being carried by family. Family.

What a gift for me to hear. That Mom loved me, knew I loved her. That Mom wasn't afraid of death, in fact she giggled and was joyful. What a gift from God.

By 10 PM that evening, I was exhausted. I had been sleeping in the brown vinyl recliner for two nights, and had woken up every three hours anyway when the nurses come in. I craved a good night's sleep. So I prayed:  Dear Lord, I know this sounds unusual, but you will understand. Could you keep Mom alive until tomorrow morning, or let her die right now? I am really tired and would appreciate a good night's sleep. I find it hard to believe I really prayed that, but I did.  She died within the hour. Another gift.

Do you remember your thoughts the moment your mother died? I felt as if I were a boat and my anchor had been cut off. I was happy for her, to no longer be contained in flesh that failed her. Sadness for me missing her. Thinking of her feelings, I pictured her dancing, with a body that would let her move and be light and energetic. So I was so thankful for her she could now be free.

I hugged her and felt the warmth leave her flesh. I wanted one last hug. Mike and Dad came to her bedside with me. The nurse that night, who didn't work this hospital but had been scheduled this shift, was the mom of one of Mike's ex-little leaguers. So good to have her voice, which was familiar, telling me there was no pulse.

We drove home, I piled into cool sheets. It felt like I was lying down in a cloud. I fell right asleep, and I think I slept for two days.

What a gift, to hear Mom's words. Knowing she was happy, happy with me and happy to be moving on to heaven. Surrounded by love and beauty and family members.

I grieved Mom's death for weeks. The ache and tears receded over time. At random moments I miss her still. I will break out in tears wishing I could lean towards her and tell her something that's on my heart. Then she would look at me, put her arm around me, and talk with me about it. She didn't have all the answers, but she certainly would walk through it with me, whatever it was and however long it took.

I have thought, I am really glad  for Mom that she is watching my breast cancer healing from heaven, where she sees the happy ending. When you know there is a happy ending, it makes the in between tough days a lot easier to take.

Everyone's life has a happy ending. That's my prayer.

A Ping Pong Ball

Always learning.

I asked the oncologist when I saw him two weeks ago, Who tells me when I can get the port out of my arm and, What follow-up tests do you do to make sure we got all the cancer? (When the port was put in, I was told it would come out after they did tests, after radiation, to make sure they didn't need to do more chemo.)

Dr M answered that I was in the care of the radiology oncologist. He would order any follow up tests and he would tell me when to call the surgeon to have the port removed. And he handed me a script for Arimidex, told me to start taking this when I am done with radiation. And he wanted to see me in April, four months.

So I asked the radiology oncologist Monday (I meet with him after treatment every Monday) what tests was he planning to do to make sure all is finished, and when could I get the port removal scheduled for? His response, Dr M would order any tests to make sure the chemo and radiation have done their jobs. (Makes sense to me) And Dr M tells you when to take out the port, we have never used it, it isn't anything to do with us. (Makes sense to me)

So I call Dr M. His assistant calls back (it is never him, always the assistant, which makes sense to me.)  She says to schedule the port removal for anytime after radiation is finished.  Dr M doesn't think I need any further tests scheduled. He says, statistically the chemo destroyed any cancer cells that would have spread. The radiation has destroyed any cancer cells left in the breast or node area. Further tests would show nothing. Makes sense to me.

I called the surgeon's office, they need written permission from Dr M to remove the port, he ordered it. Makes sense to me.

A ping pong ball.  I feel like a ping pong ball.

No one wants to take responsibility for the follow up.  What they all say makes sense. What could possibly be left in my body after all this?

It makes intellectual sense, What about my emotional But What Ifs?

Elementary concept in instilling confidence, don't change you mind mid-stream on decisions. Or if you do, please explain why. I got no explanation.

So what am I learning? To not worry. Not be anxious.  Leave this up to God, He does the best scans ever.  Lift this up to God, release it like a dove flying out of my hand.

With prayer and thanksgiving.

With thanks that I am here right now and He loves me and is guiding me down the path.

For the rest of my life I will be hearing of someone who does PET scans every year, gets MRI's every six months. I will feel a bump on my shin or get tired for two days straight and I will think, Tumor on my bone or leukemia. I will hear of someone dying of cancer, and not want to think about it.

Be grateful.
Have faith this worked.
That I am healed.
That this was God's path, He directed it all.

Faith is knowing something when your senses don't perceive it.

Have faith sister.

When you have come to the edge

While checking out from the gastroenterologist's office I saw this taped to the side of a computer screen. 

It's titled "Faith", and written by Patrick Overton.

When you have come to the edge

Of all the light that you know

And are about to drop off into the darkness

Of the unknown,


Faith is knowing

One of two things will happen:

There will be something solid to stand on 

or

You will be taught to fly.
 

 

Photo is of Corey parasailing in Sun Valley.
You start by stepping off the side of the mountain, right where I am taking this photo.
This is off Baldy. 
PS - The yellow thing blows manufactured snow in the winter, 
 not part of parasailing.

 

Chemo # 6 - Bring it on!

Hey there TEAM SARA!

Tomorrow is the LAST CHEMO.

Tuesday at 1:30 ... I am ready and waiting!

I have a "Bring it on" attitude today. Have never had this before a Chemo. Have had it since I woke up. I am ready to zap these little guys. My body is ready to be healthy now and after Chemo. I am so ready to do this!

Today I have taken the dexamethasone steroid (as usual) and therefore I am hyperactive. You get a lot accomplished today.

I am bursting to tell you all what happened today.

I woke up and saw that the incisions area is still swollen and red. Not pink but bordering on red. Oh phooey, but I am still positive that healing is happening.

I  had coffee with Corey, texted with Tray and Mack, walked in the Millenia Mall with D and S, had fantastic Chinese Chicken Chopped Salad for lunch, all is well and the same as the past 5 chemos..

Went to acupuncture. After chatting I got onto the acupuncture table and OH MY GOODNESS the whole area is barely barely barely pink and you would never ever call it swollen to look at. OH MY GOSH and GOLLY. It is cool to the touch, and there is no stinging or burning feeling, which has been there for a few days. I can't see any red. I have been on strong antibiotics for twelve days. It was red and swollen this morning. AH!

My first words were to God, "Thank you Thank you Thank you. Oh, Oh Oh (which means speechless.)  I am so amazed. This is unbelievable! My infection is gone, the lymph is draining. Prayer really does work!"

Then I sit there and sigh, why are we so surprised when prayer works. Is this really the best response to a answered prayer I could have?   Isn't God patient with us that over and over again He whispers to us that He loves us, because we can never hear it enough. Never.

How frustrated I would be with one of my kids if I told them something such as, "Yes I will pick you up from school at 3 PM" and I do pick them up that day, and the next, and the next. And each time they get in the car, they say to me, "Mom, Thank you! I am so amazed you did what you said you would do!"

Doubt.

I asked, Can I trust God one hundred percent with my life and obviously have a kernel of doubt? Just a smidgen. I have asked God to reduce my doubt, chisel away at it. And He has and is. But this real life test showed me there is still some lingering.

I am okay with that. My trust in God is far greater than my doubting. Doubt just means you have some fear sticking around, and since God is patient, I am patient. He and I together are working on cleaning out all the fear and doubt. Yes, the cliche, I am a work in progress. He's not done with me yet!

This very concept was talked about Wednesday night, Mike and I went to our new church's class on becoming a partner.  One question was, "What is faith and can you have faith but still have some doubt?"

Being the couch-potato-watching-Jeopardy type of person, I wanted to jump up and say, Let me cover this one preacher! And the question is, What is Hebrews 11:1? Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.
But no, the pastor paused, read 1 Cor 13
Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

He was so spot on. So very very correct. He understand what was being asked. We don't just see everything crystal clear. God allows us to see some things that clearly, and what a gift. Some things we are simply in the process of seeing clearly. Be gentle on myself Sara, you don't have to have it all perfect NOW.  Jesus is patient.

The thought of doubt was also on the mediation tape by Colleen Arnold. It was the story of Peter (the disciple with enthusiasm and energy and the very best of intentions) on a boat, well, read it below from Matthew 14:

 During the fourth watch of the night Jesus went out to them, walking on the lake. When the disciples saw him walking on the lake, they were terrified. "It's a ghost," they said, and cried out in fear.
 But Jesus immediately said to them: "Take courage! It is I. Don't be afraid."
 "Lord, if it's you," Peter replied, "tell me to come to you on the water."
 "Come," he said.
   Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus. But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, "Lord, save me!"
 Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. "You of little faith," he said, "why did you doubt?" 

Jesus was looking at me, when I doubted, with compassion and forgiveness. Ever patient with me that my doubting will reduce. And my trust in Him grow. Ever patient.

During acupuncture, I visualized healing differently.  It wasn't a conscious change.

I saw one strong hand pinching and flicking (like the paper football game) and punching tiny bristly neon green bacteria cells and plump randomly shaped little red cancer cells with black nuclei. The remains of the cells (picture the feathers of crashed Angry Birds) were being washed out by clear water, pure and cool. I pictured little rivulets of my lymph system creating new pathways towards the thoracic vein and the small intestine. And I saw the hand become the hand of a potter on brown gray clay, smoothing and refreshing my heart from the inside, smoothing my digestive system, lungs, liver, kidneys, spleen, and then the hand patting gently and nurturing my spongy alive bone marrow.

Please, if I might ask you all to pray for me.
1. Thank God for the healing we've seen in the past six months, even today, and also will see soon.
2. That God inspire Dr. M and the nurses as they decide and carry out chemo tomorrow.
3. That the chemo drugs zap any lingering cancer cells anywhere, direct hits, I'm picturing "Angry Birds" mega red bird hits.
4. Thank God that the infection we have been fighting is healed and we are seeing evidence.
5. That the rest of my body stay and rebuild strong and healthy.
6. That glory be reflected to God throughout this week.
7. That my family and friends be blessed as you are so loya.

CHEMO.... BRING IT ON

THANK YOU for your prayers... each of you are awesome

Faith is the substance of things hoped for

There it is, Faith is the substance of things hoped for (Heb 11.) My all time number one favorite verse.

I believe there is a sun even when it is night time (someone said something like that, I can't remember who).

So how much more, with 53 years of God working in my life, do I believe in God when at this one moment in time I can't see the answer to a prayer.

I know that answer is coming.
I know it.
I just have to be still and wait...

Email responses

Sunday morning, the lake is still, looks like a mirror. I hear the train whistle barreling through downtown Winter Park.  I can picture crowds of interested viewers meandering through Central Park's Autumn Art Festival, remarking on the gorgeous weather. I'm outside on the porch, sitting on a sofa with my basset hound next to me. She is in her "I could never make it in the wild" sleeping position, on her back with pink underside exposed.

Wednesday and Thursday exhausted me. Making thoughtful, emotional decisions is exhausting. I am taking it easy this weekend. My body needs rest, but my mind needs entertainment and intrigue. The 45-17 Florida State - Miami game last night gave neither.  The commentators started talking about whether Jimmy Johnson is an excellent NASCAR driver, or is it his team and car that are superior. Oh boy.  Then there's Angry Birds on the IPAD, a pretty mindless game where birds plummet into green pigs, which I have played so much my right hand is tired today. I need to find a good book to carry me away.

This morning's devotional was spot on. Paraphrased it was - Do not complain, as that leads to self-pity and rage. Instead bring ALL your cares to God. He will put His words in your mind and His song in your heart. I like that.

Reminds me of the verse from Philippians Mike e-mailed me early on in this adventure - Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

I am no better or worse than anyone at doing this.  You could do this. You could heal. God is waiting for each of us to turn our faces towards Him. Don't wait to get cancer to do it, look to Him now.

You also could write this blog. Reading your e-mails, you all have thoughts in your hearts I want to hear. That others would like to hear. So many of you have mentioned how neat a blog is. Try it!

I read Wendy Choiji's article (Orlando TV anchor who beat breast cancer eight years ago) this morning in the Orlando Sentinel, and I think,  Can I do this healing as well as she did? She did it so well, with such strength and energy!

I hope I can do this. Hope. And what is faith? It is being certain of what you hope for. Lord, strengthen my faith that I am certain of healing every minute.  Remind me that I can only do this while looking to You.

Here follows the e-mails from you all.... which keep me going....  This is a long process and your dots and dashes of kindnesses are so beautiful. Thank you.

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This first email to me needs a note of explanation. The photo of the baseball field was from Sanford's Breast Cancer Awareness game this summer (the Sanford River Rats are one of the college summer teams of Florida League, which I have been involved with for 7 years and which was run great this summer without me involved much at all.) I couldn't go to any of them this summer, the timing always landed on a day I felt yechy. But here's what the fantastic stadium crew did on the field. The entrance sign to the stadium sign said, Team Sara!

  

 Hope you are enjoying a good day and the beautiful weather-
Thought I’d send over a couple of pictures. 
One from the season, (not sure if you had a chance to see)
and one new picture of our stadium sign.

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Praying hard, just listen, God will tell you.   It's all about trust isn't it.

===============  

 God has guided you every step of the way so I know you  will know exactly what He wants you to do tomorrow...just listen to His "still small voice"

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You will indeed be covered  in prayer. Tomorrow is yet another chapter in your  book of healing.  These are situations  when you  think, pray, rethink , ask questions, take surveys, phone a friend  etc and (I know I sometimes feel)  it would be easier if He could just give you the answer in something understated like skywriting :-).  Alas,  His guidance will be  subtle yet affirming for what you will need.  I realize the subtle yet affirming is akin to "jumbo shrimp" but you understand!   I hope you rest well tonight knowing that Team Sara is standing with you.

From FL Hospital's wall in Cancer Wing

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 I am confident that you & Dr. M have made the right choice regarding your chemo, and am praying now for you to have peace about that decision. 

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May the wisdom that surpasses all understanding be present with both you and your doctor tomorrow.  I will be thinking of you and knowing that you and Dr. M will make the correct decision.  God Bless.....

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God has held you in the palm of His hand, thus far, and will never let you down. I am certain you will continue down the right path. 

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Sending you our prayers and love. God and all of your loved ones are with you now and tomorrow. You will be right where you're supposed to be- trust in that.

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My thoughts and prayers are with you. There's no doubt in my mind you will win this battle.
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Peace, Girl, Peace ... : )
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God speed.  I know you will get guidance and choose the right path.  I'm praying for you.
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I’m praying, praying, praying!!!!

Proverbs 3:5-6
Trust in the Lord with all your heart;
do not depend on your own understanding.
Seek his will in all you do,
and he will show you which path to take.

It sounds like you have a wonderful counselor in Dr. M.  I’m praying for him, too!

Proverbs 15:22
Plans fail for lack of counsel, but with many advisers they succeed.

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Just as you have been doing , pray,listen ( to God, your body and spirit,and, oh yes, Dr. M,) and trust. 

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As you go into #6, my thoughts and prayers continue.  Even though you have had a few more problems with #5, you have tackled them.
I am sure # 6 will see the same steadfast success. And it will be your last chemo!!!  Yeah! I had problems with #2 and #3, but the last one seemed to go more smoothly.  Of course there was more exhaustion, but the treatment and problems of the past seemed easier for some reason.  Knowing that it was going to be over after that, may have given me more resolve and peace.  I hope that happens to you. 

Wrap yourself in all the prayers, hugs and love your family and friends are sending your way.
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Disturb Us, O Lord
when we are too well pleased with ourselves
when our dreams have come true because we have dreamed too little
when we arrived safely because we sailed too close to the shore

Disturb Us, O Lord
when with the abundance of things we possess
we have lost our thirst for the Waters of Life;
having fallen in love with life, we have ceased to dream of eternity.
And in our efforts to build a new earth,
we have allowed our vision of the new heaven to dim. 

Disturb Us, O Lord - to dare more boldly
to venture on wider seas where storms will show your mastery
where losing sight of land, we shall find the stars.
We ask you push back the horizon of our hopes,
and to push us into the future with strength, courage, hope and love."

==============

Thinking of you today as you come to grips with Chemo # 6.  The above prayer, a version of the original attributed to Sir Francis Drake (at least according to the internet!), is offered by Father J. every Sunday.  I love it!  Cancer has disturbed you, and it has disturbed all of your family and friends who love you!  Deeply and profoundly disturbed us!!!!   I love the analogies we can make from an explorer’s prayer to our own, landlocked lives.  You are one of the lucky ones who have ventured on wider seas where storms are revealing to you God’s mastery.  We, your friends, can only hope that we can share your adventure…..lose sight of land and find the stars and watch God push back the horizon of our hopes and push us forward with strength, courage, hope and love!!   Isn’t it a great prayer!!!

Keep the faith in the Lord’s mastery!

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Yes, definite is good! One more chemo to rid your body of those little bastard guys! Give 'em hell!

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This is just amazing. I know it isn't the answer you wanted or expected to hear, but I am so glad the doctor was so sure about his decision and you have a definite direction.

I thought I would share a story that might encourage you. This is a little bit lengthy, but bare with me, it will make sense in the end!

As you know, I had two shoulder surgeries when I was playing baseball. When I came out of surgery #1, the doctor told me it was one of the largest labrum tears they had seen or heard of, but they still expected me to make a full recovery. I had to go to a rehab clinic 3-4 times a week for months. Eight months into rehab after my first surgery, my throwing was not progressing the way it was supposed to. Rehab was supposed to take anywhere between 8-12 months, but I couldn't throw 30 ft. without pain. I suspected this was because the initial tear was so bad, and that the rehab would just take a little longer. The doctor wanted me to have another Arthogram and MRI to make sure everything was ok.

When I went back for the follow up appointment after the MRI, I was told I needed a second surgery, the initial surgery didn't completely stay in tact. I was devastated. I felt like all of the rehab to which I already dedicated so much of my time accomplished nothing, and now I had to go through it again.

I chose to see a new doctor for surgery #2. He was very well known for his work on shoulders. After the surgery, Dr. #2 told me that if Dr. #1 did everything he said that he did in the surgery notes, he had done all that he could. I had a very bad tear. Dr. #2 performed a different technique and also discovered that sometime between surgeries 1 and 2, part of the cartilage in the front of my shoulder got rubbed away. They didn't know how this would effect me throwing because it was not common.

I want to share with you what the doctor told me after surgery #2 because I remember his words as clear as day and I later used it as motivation. He told me "We fixed your labrum, but we don't know how you will recover because of the complication with your cartilage. I'm not sure if you will ever be able to throw again, but I want you to rehab like you normally would for this surgery and we will re-evaluate later." They told me to expect a much longer rehab (12-18 months this time) because that was typical after a 2nd labrum surgery.

I was determined to make it back to the field to prove to the doctor that it could be done. After 21 months of rehab from surgery #2, I played my first game on the field again.

While shoulder surgery is nothing like the fight you are fighting, I wanted to share this story with you because I imagine that on Wednesday morning, you felt a little bit like I did when I found out I had to have surgery #2. You have endured all of this pain until now, and in your mind you were ready to move on to the next thing (radiation), just to find out you have to go through it again. When I got the news, initially, I was furious. I asked God why this had to happen. At this point I realized that it was all in His hands and during the course of those months of rehab after surgery 2 I grew much closer to Him. Philipians 4:13, which says “I can do all things through Him who strengthens me”, took on an entirely new meaning to me.

I later realized that whatever the outcome was of all this surgery, ultimately I grew much closer to God and that was something that would last forever Whether I made it back to baseball or not didn’t matter, it was God’s plan to take Baseball away to draw me closer to Him.

I was blessed to get the best of both worlds, I grew closer to God and He gave me baseball again. I pray the same will be true for you and that life goes back to normal after the last chemo and radiation.

Keep up the fight! 

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Isn't it the best when a Dr. can tell you exactly the what needs to be done?!!  Halaluya!!  I hope you are doing well and are content in knowing what needs to be done!   In my heart I feel you will recover! 

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Your doctor made the decision for you. He was an instrument of God. Dr. M has the skill, knowledge, and historical background with all types of cancer that you have to believe you are in the best of hands. Onward you go to the last chemo. You are right... look out cancer cells... this final round will terminate your existence in Sara's body. GOOD riddance!!!! Always praying for you, ALWAYS thinking about you and I love to hear your name announced every Tuesday at the Healing Service. So many people you don't even know are praying for your recovery. God is at your side, every step of the way. You have felt His presence all along and those of us who have been able to follow your path believe more than ever in the power of prayer. Stay peaceful, sweet lady. Allow your family to continue loving you and caring for you. May God continue to give you peace, courage and strength! All my love and smiles heading to you, 

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Bless you Sara we are with you all the way

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Oh, Sara isn't it amazing when you can actually see the hand of God guiding you! And think of it this way - you need 6 chemo treatments and you are done with 5.  You are 83.33% through. Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.

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Thanks for your update.  We are happy to know you have direction and certainty, but also praying for your peace in the midst of this long road.  I understand and was tracking with your logically divided path, where chemotherapy was likely done and Part 2 ready to begin. I am sorry there is another Chemo for you, but so grateful for clarity.  I'm sure so much is nebulous and judgment calls and weighing options and pros and cons, so this is welcome in its black and whiteness.

You continue to inspire us in your faithfulness to our Lord, and your assurance that He and only He can give understanding and peace and direction.  Go get 'em! 

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I am so thankful you have the peace to take the next step. I pray each day that God will wrap his loving arms around you and I know he is doing that. 

====================

   Please do not worry about this 6th treatment.  First of all  not everyone's case is the same however,  I had a very aggressive cancer and it had spread to my lymph nodes and my tumor was 4 centimeters.  I had 9 chemo treatments and 6 weeks of radiation and that was 16 years ago.  I have some neuropathy in my feet but nothing I can't live with.  You will survive this and be fine.  I'm glad Dr. M. was so definite about this.  Give this up to the Lord and he will take care of you.

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I'm with you in saying GOOD-BYE to those little buggers!! Love you!!
 ======================

 Sara, I am glad our prayers were so clearly answered! Get psyched up for round #6. I know that is tough to do, but you have done it before, and you can do it again. I dreaded my third brain surgery but kept telling myself, that I survived the previous ones and I can do it again. "Attitude is Everything." You know what to expect, and that can work against you sometimes, but you are going to have so many of us praying for you and caring for you. You are surrounded by love. Can you feel it? I hope so! Keep all of us posted. You stay in my daily prayers!!!

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I'm praying for you! You are a very positive person with a very supportive family. I believe you handle Chemo #6 with ease! With a positive outlook and a family behind you, you beat this terrible disease! 

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And we will continue with the prayers, my friend.

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Sara, I am sure you have made the correct decision. Through the help of God's grace, you heard positive answers from your Dr. I will continue to keep you in my prayers while you speed your way to a total recovery!! God bless you!!

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Definite is good! Hooray! The last one should be a piece of cake with what you have already endured!

 

 

Faith - certain of what we do not see

What is faith?

Think of this in a Christian sense, and also in an everyday secular sense.

We all seem to think we want it, if we stop and think about it. It is a positive thing. But what exactly is it we want?

What is faith?
And what is worth having faith in?

Faith in the covenant of marriage?
Faith in God and His promises?
Faith in the law of gravity?
Faith that the sun will shine on our world tomorrow?

Here's the verse from Hebrews I have loved since high school that sheds light on Faith. My two go-to chapters in the bible of all time, for all occasions, are Hebrews 11 and 12.

Faith is being sure of what we hope for a certain of what we do not see. 

Here is the dictionary definition of faith:

1. allegiance, loyalty 

2. belief in the doctrines of a religion, firm belief in something for which there is no proof, complete trust

3. something that is believed especially with strong conviction.

Throughout my Healing Adventure, which started way back in mid-April (five months ago, and still ticking), I have had the hope that I would be thoroughly healed from the cancer that had invaded  my healthy body. That God would be there with me, and we would make it through. Also, I have had the hope that I would overall be super healthy for the rest of my life, and that through this process of healing, goodness of some sort, of many sorts, would be part of the end results. These were my very general hopes.

As you know, I have had some very specific prayer requests along the way, you patient and loyal friends.

So these are my hopes, I haven't struggled finding hopes. It is for my faith that I have depended on you all, and on God, to keep strong. To increase. During all this. I have had moments, and days, when I had doubts in my faith that I would be healed. You all have carried me through, though you might not know it.  Carried me with your faith, your hope, your positive words and love. You are my cloud of witnesses, right here today!

For some of the prayer requests, for some of the hopes, you do see instant results. This really helps feed faith. May we all have eyes to see God's working in our lives!

I have seen evidence of all things working for good these days. Many evidences. I see it in the faces of you I love, in the laughter and good wishes of you I treasure. I see it in the e-mails and the sharing of stories. I see it in the four scars from surgeries/ biopsies since April. I see it in the sinus infection that went away, and in the goodness that I have been on time for the past five chemos, not hospitalized because of chemo. I see it in the bouquet composed of your acts of kindness. I see it in the people He has brought to me, each in a different way at a different time, to literally shower me with His grace. I see God's love and power everywhere. And this only makes me more certain of the gift of healing.

God is healing me, this I know.

I am trying to cooperate, this I will do.

I have a long life of living in His presence ahead of me, this I am excited about!

I thank God for all the answered prayers I have seen evidence of.

The ones I haven't seen proof of yet, I thank Him for those too.

Faith means I don't have to see the evidence to know they are answered.

Another little one - My blood pressure is usually okay to low (max 100/50). The first four chemos it was high for me (140's/ 120's). They weren't worried as I was on Dexamethasone, a steroid which they said raised blood pressure, plus isn't getting chemo in fifteen minutes something that could raise a person's anxiety level? Well, yesterday, at Chemo #5 I was 128/68. Still very high for me, I was still on the Dexamethasone and no, didn't take a tranquilizer.  It was God's peace. Your prayers, your presence, your laughter, your compassion, all showering me with God's peace. It definitely passes all understanding. I don't understand it, but I'm going with it!

Chemo #5 - How and Why

Today is Chemo #5. I don't feel as anxious as numbers 1 through 4. YEAH!

That being said, Mike and I were both awake at 4:30 AM, stretching our backs, talking about Psalm 23, just talking. So I decided to bake blueberry-mango-walnut muffins (as I won't want to smell cooking for at least a week), and he decided to go out for his pretty much daily walk around the lake. Three and a quarter miles.

Totally off the subject - There are about eighty street lights on this walk around the lake, and seventeen went out as he approached them this morning. Does this ever happen to you? It ALWAYS does to Mike. We walk Sporty around the block, pass fifteen streetlights around our block, and three to five will go out every time. Out for just a few minutes, then back on. Ideas?

Back on track...

Dear dear friends, could you pray:

1. That all the renegade cancer cells in my body be killed and swept out by the chemo drugs today, and by my white blood cells

2. For protection for my healthy body from chemo's side effects, particularly my bone marrow and nervous system and heart.

3. That Mike be comforted and guided by God's presence in his life. (he has a lot on his plate, including me.)

Thank you for your steadfastness in prayer for us. I wrote in an earlier blog, this is the twenty mile mark of a marathon. It is definitely tiresome. But it is not me who needs to be strong, I just need to know where my strength comes from... PHEW!

I am just breathless from all of your kindnesses! Two mall walkings with L and B, then PF Changs lunch with D and S, I think they have lunched with me on the Monday before all 5 chemos... isn't that cool?

Today I have PF Changs lunch with some more loyal friends, and then chemo #5... Wednesday B is in charge of me, taking me to mall walk then CPK lunch is the plan. Thursday Corey and B and Mike take over, then Friday I think I will just stay put. What a wonderful week... Oh did I mention soup and dinners delivered all week? I am a PRINCESS, that's what I feel like!

How and Why.

I have forever been fascinated with the HOW of things, not quite as much the WHY. Oh I would like to know the WHY, but I do know that there are some WHY's I just won't know here on earth. I'll be darned if I let that worry me. But the HOW, that's another story. Wanting to know the HOW is what fueled my lifelong fascination with science. Don't you just look around and wonder - HOW did that get that way, HOW was it made, HOW do I get to my goal, HOW did that happen?

How did I get Invasive Ductal Carcinoma Stage 2?

How, I have some thoughts. And this in no way is laying blame on anyone, including not on me or God.  And I am not a doctor. Just my thoughts.

It is a thought in the Cancer World that some event happened about two years before a cancer is large enough to diagnose. That event is traumatic for you, and you need to process it for healing to take place thoroughly, probably forgiveness is involved. Yep, two years ago I can pinpoint two events where I needed to forgive myself and others. Unforgiveness and stress put so much pressure on your soul that your immune system isn't functioning at top speed.  It isn't able to kill the random mutant cells we all have a handful of in our bodies at any given time. Most most most of the time our immune system pretty easily zaps them. Not when you are under heavy stress, or carrying baggage.

I went to Fr. D at our old church, asked him to help me pray for forgiveness. He did. I have not asked for someone to pray with me often. I know each of us has a line straight to God's ear and we don't need others to pray. But sometimes there is an issue so weighty or confusing that I know I will benefit from someone who has been down this road before, helping me out. Ministers really do care about each of us.  They aren't just the guys (or gals) leading the Sunday services. The other six days of the week they care about us too.

Also, we ( me and a series of doctors) have been trying to figure out for two years why I had all of a sudden growths on my thyroid glands. Well, I started out at a doctor that specialized in woman's hormones, she put me on thyroid medicine for the first time, and also on a very high level of estrogen, progesterone, and some other hormones. 

When she did blood work, she wanted my estrogen and progesterone to be above the normal levels, which I questioned. She was adamant, that the normal levels cited on the lab sheet were too low. So she put me on much higher doses of estrogen and progesterone etc. Said that would improve all my hormone levels (including thyroid). This was new to me. Looking at my family history, heart disease has been an issue. No one has had breast cancer. So she wanted to protect my heart more than worry about breast cancer.

It was compounded estrogen and progesterone, which I now know meant there wasn't good quality control in the actual amounts I was getting. I tell you, my breasts were sore and tender for weeks. This concerned me, so I asked her. She said it was the normal reaction. After six months I switched to another doctor, I had been sore and tender for too long and I wasn't comfortable with the hormones overall.

The Invasive Ductal Carcinoma I had was determined to be both estrogen and progesterone fed. I'm not a doctor but it seems pretty clear to me that the  large doses of hormones encouraged a little cancer spot that  my body might have removed on its own, to break out of the milk duct walls and spread to the surrounding tissue, and then to the lymph node. We all have a few cancer cells in us, our body's immune system zaps them.

So there I was, needing to forgive, stressed out, and pumped up with hormones. I have forgiven, and am enjoying time of quiet when I ask the Lord to search me and find all else that needs dealing with. Why didn't I deal with those issues right away? Instead I put them in a box, up on a shelf for processing in a future date. I was too busy. (NEVER DO I WANT TO SAY THOSE WORDS AGAIN AS AN EXCUSE FOR ANYTHING.) That is our normal reaction, too busy to deal with the soul issues thoroughly.

I have said the before, and I bet I will say this again. Why do we spend so little time each day tending to the one part of us that is going to last for eternity, our souls? Today's success orientated society looks askance at people who just think, who take time to relax, who aren't on the fast track, who can look at the ocean for hours on end. Meditation. Prayer? That's time getting to know God. Talking to Him. And we squeeze it in early morning and late evening.

Mike and I are slowly redirecting to reduce stress. Don't need to jump, just slowly.. It's a process.

I am off the hormones as of when I had the biopsy. Love the hot flashes (they remind me I am not feeding cancer anymore!!!)

With all that being said, I also think there is an element of, It just happened. Somethings good, or bad, just happen because that is the way the universe is rolling. I don't want to place blame on me or anyone for any cancer. It is far far far more important what you do after you are diagnosed, I feel.

Why did I get Invasive Ductal Carcinoma Stage 2?

I absolutely know that God didn't give me this cancer. He doesn't do things like that. He is good, all the time.

I absolutely know that He is using this time to redirect me towards Him. To calm me down, get the busy out of my life so I can listen to Him and learn.  Learn who I am to be, what I am to do, what parts of me that need to change. And also, just rest. Restore. Relax. Renew. Redirect. Re-devote. Re-evaluate. Recognize. Refresh. All the re's...

The WHY isn't finished being answered.  You see some good outcomes in the Monday Morning quarterback mode. Inside and afterward, you can see so much positive coming out of this. 

I might sound wacky, but my body does has such intelligence. It knows what it needs, if I listen. Perhaps my eyes and thoughts needed to be turned inside for my long term good. I wasn't doing that on my own. Survival is a powerful force.

I want to figure out how to get all the positive, without the cancer next time! That's my assignment, how to live in God's presence every day, all day long. How to listen to His voice, and let Him restore my soul, every day. He wants to, I know that.

The 23rd Psalm is awesome. More on that in a later blog. The part that is germane to this entry is that at first God talks about restoring ME (verses 1 -3a), then after my soul is restored, He will guide me down those paths of righteousness for His name's sake. Yep, got to get right with God before you can go out and do His work. Sometimes getting right with God is walking through the valley of the shadow of death. It's worth it.

So this is redirecting me for whatever He wants. I knew from the beginning that God is stirring Mike and I up, and well, let's see what happens!

Everyone who has and is showering Mike and I with kindness, you all have had sadness and difficulty. You know, you get it. Thank you so much for making our days full of light and laughter and all things good, through this sometimes rocky adventure... THANK YOU!!!!

Do not believe that he who seeks to comfort you lives untroubled among the simple and quiet words that sometimes do you good. His life has much difficulty... Were it otherwise he would never have been able to find those words.     Rainer Maria Rilke

Email responses

Friends, I have pasted in here some email responses from you all. THANK YOU for each and every one of them, each word, each thought, each prayer. And the phone messages and cards. I love them all.

I want you all to know that I am not super-brave or extra-courageous or anything other than each of you are. It is God's strength, and all your kindnesses which are showing His love, that lift me up. literally!

My grace is enough; it's all you need.
My strength comes into its own in your weakness. 2 Cor 12

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I don't share my poem with people when they are first diagnosed, however I could tell from you are blog you will "get" it. I found peace in it after my cancers. May God's peace continue to keep you strong.

What Cancer Can Do For You

It changes your life.
Your priorities change.
You learn patience.
You appreciate what you had.
You learn to accept what you don’t have.
Your awareness level changes.
You admire those with strength.
You have compassion for the weak.
You’re thankful for the simple things.
Your time becomes precious.
You learn what is important.
You learn to depend on others.
You value loved ones and friendships.
You appreciate the beauty in nature.
You learn to trust in God.
It can be quite an awakening experience.
It can come and go at anytime.
You can choose how to live with it.

K- A Surviving Cancer Patient 2003
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Thank you for sending me the update on your treatment. God meets us wherever we are. I know for me, when I am on the mountain top I am overwhelmed by His presence. When I am in the wilderness. I am overwhelmed by His absence. One situation in utter awe, the other in pure dependence. There's much to learn either way.
I will keep you in my prayers.
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Getting to the last one? Happy days! It will be tough, but you are doing so well. Take care of yourself -- there is an end. I just visited w/a neighbor who said one of her greatest pleasures was shaving her legs again!
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All summer my prayers have included you and your family. I am so thrilled that you and your family have done so well!
Any way I know your family has been well cared for this summer...thanks be to God! Just wanted to let you know I love you.
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Prayers work miracles and I pray the Holy Spirit guides you and Mike! Love ya Lady! Hope you're feeling great very soon!
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we will certainly pray for more good news….. will be thinking of you, especially tomorrow.God bless,
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you are the strong trooper for sure ... I am so impressed with your positive attitude ... your strong beliefs will carry you through this ordeal .... (with just a little help from famil)
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I've got your back, as they say. You are in my prayers.
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Good morning! Sending you extra prayers and love today and in your next recovery days. Hang in there and continue to be as strong as ever! You can do this.
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Good morning Sara: You have been on all of our minds especially as today is another chemo treatment.

I know we wish we were right there along side you again today as you go to get this HOPEFULLY last treatment of chemo. Despite not being there in person, know that our clan are right there with you in spirit, love and prayers as you undergo your fourth chemo treatment. We are sending you all of the positive karma we can find and with Mike and God's help today, we are trusting you come through it all without incident.

May the words contained in Psalm 18:32-34 be the truth....... It is God who arms me with strength and makes my way perfect. He makes my feet like the feet of a deer; he enables me to stand on the heights. He trains my hands for battle; my arms can bend a bow of bronze.

God speed you brave, humble and wonderful servant of God.
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Hope all is well, sounds like everything is on God's schedule. Love you and praying for you.
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Oh dear one. Be healed and full of great life, health and happiness.
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I just wanted to wish you the very best and thank you for all you have done. Im sure this process has been tumultuous and grueling, however I believe you have handled it with the most grace and understanding possible. Your fortitude has really put everything into such perspective. God brings everyone into our lives for a reason and I believe he has shown me what true strength is through you. Although I did not or still not wish this to be the example... I really think you have been amazing through this entire process. I look forward to seeing you soon and will pray as you have asked.
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Your faith and attitude are keeping you strong and focused on the good health to come. The fatigue associated with this allows your body to heal and grow stronger. I know this first hand. Remember to give yourself permission to nap or sleep 10 hours- whatever it takes. If you listen, your body will tell you what you need.
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my soul is gently reminded of the why of our existence; love. Each and every nuance of how we experience love is to be treasured.
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May God continue to bless you with His strength for your perseverance and determination. You are much loved by all. Now is the time for you to enjoy and flourish in the help you both receive.
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May you rest peacefully in God's hands as you recuperate and the healing continues.
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You are like the parable of the mustard seed:

The kingdom of heaven is like to a grain of mustard seed, which a man took, and sowed in his field; Which indeed is the least of all seeds: but when it is grown, it is the greatest among herbs, and becometh a tree, so that the birds of the air come and lodge in the branches thereof. (Matthew 13:31-32)

Your strength can move mountains and it is upon this strength many come to rest.

May you continue to feel, albeit from afar, our prayers, smiles and hugs.
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It's the little things!!! Great blog Sara!! I think of you everyday and thank God that you are such an inspiration! God knows exactly what He is doing!! Stay true to your Faith no matter the road you must travel and know that He has great things in store for you when it is all over!

When I was at my worse - as strange as this may sound- I visualized the process a craftsman uses to make the perfect sword. It's such a brutal journey but the outcome is magnificent! I liked the sword analogy b/c I'm a guy; you may like the pearl or diamond analogy better!!! All tough processes to bring the world some valuable possessions! You are God's valuable possession and He's making you perfect!! Luv u and Mike!!!!
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So glad to hear you are doing better with each day. Laughter is the best medicine for your heart and soul. I came to after a surgery, couldn't talk yet, but I could hear laughter, my families, and friends. I could tell each persons, what a wonderful thing isn't it. to not only know the sounds of voices but to know their laughs! The nurse asked them to quiet down, and I remember just being able to move my hand to tell her "no". There is no question that God gives us things at just the right moment. Who would ever think to pray for laughter? and what a wonderful gift it is.
Keep on the healing girl! 2 more to go! awesome!!!

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Wow, what a blog, Sara ... So I had just given a biz presentation in when I got an email from my wife that our son had just scored two touchdowns in his first football game. Ecstatically, I jumped into the air. Shortly thereafter, I noticed soreness in my groin area. I must have pulled something in my jump. But no ~ later I discovered that in fact I was just wearing a pair of my sons boxers !!! Oops. Gotta love life.
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Still having a hard time seeing the computer because I keep wiping away the tears.
You are a wonderful woman,
Get healthy,

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so powerful to read your tale of love, laughter, courage and grace amidst one of life's hardest personal challenges. I'm uplifted to hear all the love pouring over your soul.
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You have been very brave and God will continue to use your experiences in a mighty way as time goes on. LIVE STRONG!!!
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You continue to be in my heart and mind and have been lifted up with each step of our newly created 7 circuit Cretan labyrinth.
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We are praying for you and your family! Our God is a great healer! You're in GOOD hands!

Ramping up for Chemo #4 - Attitude

I'm starting with a hat trick of quotes from 3 wise men: Bernie Siegel, Chuck Swindoll, and St. Paul. All on attitude.

When disappointments and setbacks occur, learn to view them as events that will redirect you to something good. Bernie Siegel

The only thing we can do is play the one string we have, and that is our attitude... I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% how I react to it. And so it is with you... we are in charge of our attitudes.  Chuck Swindoll

Philippians 2:5 Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus

It's the Monday before Chemo #4 on Tuesday.

This might be the last one, or there might be two more, that's the conversation we're having with Dr. M tomorrow. I want two more, because I want to make sure every single errant cell is zapped. But he was leaning towards only four because Chemo is hard on your body, and I will next go to radiation.

I am right between two protocols. Stage 2 Invasive Breast Cancer with no nodes involved was four Taxotere plus Cytoxan treatments, and with nodes involved was eight treatments. I had only one node involved. Just one. So we briefly talked about six treatments. I want to get all the cancer cells gone, no change for recurrence. I do think that whatever Dr. M decides (I will give it my all for six) will be the right decision. I've been praying that the Holy Spirit give him clear insight into what my body needs right now for full healing. So He will.

Fantastic weekend at the beach with Mike, Corey and T. We went to the same hotel as in May, which was the weekend before Chemo #1. They have great deals at beach hotels during the summer... We sat under the umbrellas with SPF 55 on, came out of the sun mid-day. I don't think I got a lick of tan, but that's the point.

Took our IPADS so we played Scrabble, and we have a new game (for us), Balderdash. Oh my goodness, laughing until tears are falling. I am surrounded by very creative, funny and loving people in this family.


I have to add these two photos. Mike and Corey in the first are doing the typical pose of two guys on the beach with a football.

In the second photo, they look as if this spheroid object just washed up on the beach and they are trying to figure out what it is? In reality, they were looking at the writing on the football, because these two orderly guys wanted to make sure the words were facing front and in full view when the photo was taken. I just love it!

At one point it hit us, compare who we are right now to who we were only three months ago sitting in the very same beach chairs.

First, I am now certain God has healed me completely, it is getting worked out through the chemo and radiation and my body's immune system is getting back into working order. Three months ago in my mind I was certain, and I was asking God to bring my emotions and believing up to one hundred percent. He has done that, I am peaceful and secure knowing Jesus is the healer.

Secondly, on the same topic, I had decided in May to trust God for His help during Chemo #1. Now it is so much easier to lean over into Him during Chemo #4, knowing that He has been there every second of the way for the first three chemos. I  FEEL certain He will be here this time too. I still have blips of thoughts - oh darn, how did these three weeks in between chemos fly so fast, have I done all I need to do to prepare.. But those are blips and I pick them up out of my thoughts and throw them up to Jesus, and bring back the thought- thank you for healing me, thank you for being right here with me, thank you for the peace that passes all understanding.

Thirdly, How thankful I am to all you who are helping, in ways that might seem small to you but they are HUGE MOUNTAINS of LOVE AND KINDNESS to me and to Mike. Every word, e-mail, phone message, meal, flower, prayer, mall walk, walk anywhere, devoting days to me, lunch, tea, hand sanitizer packets, air aromatherapy, car ride, soup, book, pashmina, movies, etc are beautiful times for me to see God's love in action. And I know this is tiring, as this has been going on since the end of April. But you guys are all so good to hang in there with me! It is as if each kindness is a flower, and all together they compose the most beautiful bouquet, or really a breath-taking field of wildflowers!

I can empathize with Henri Nouwen when he talks about his need for community. I need community. I do not want to exist separate from others. But yet, I want to look to Jesus for my affirmation of worth as a person. And believe me, He thinks you and I and all of us are just the apple of His eye. He loves each of us unconditionally, which is just mind-boggling. Because of this, when I'm with my community, I can hopefully be evidence of His love for others as well as sharing in some for myself.

This all gets me back to the verse He gave me in the parking lot before I got the first biopsy results - Be still and know that I am God, Psalm 46. I have never been as still as I have been these past four and a half months. Especially in acupuncture. You have to lie really really still for thirty minutes which I said I could NEVER do, but, well, never say never. It is the best time for prayer and contemplative prayer, just repeating over and over slowly with your breathing.  I started out with the verse from Psalms, but now I say the beginning of Psalm 23. You know, that is such a great Psalm.  No wonder it is the most asked for Psalm in hospitals.

And then fourthly, I know I am being redirected. I want it to stick. I want God to change me how He wants, redirect my path, and I want to stay on it.

I think there is no such thing as "I don't have enough time for that". We all spend our time where we want, and if something is important to you, you will put it as a priority and it will get done. It is my highest priority to stay focused on Jesus, to continue growing in my relationship with Him, to keep my face pointed towards God.

Maybe that's a key - keep growing. Just like any relationship, people change. God doesn't change, but I do. So my relationship with Him, just like my marriage and how I interact with my kids, must keep growing and flexing through the years to stay vibrant and alive and appropriate. My boys are twenty five and twenty nine, so I have a far different relationship with them as I did twenty years ago. Mike and I have been married thirty two years, now we are empty nesters, and helping each other heal. A far different relationship than ten years ago or twenty. And each time we flex and redirect, we grow closer.

With God, I would stagnate if I stayed exactly with Him like I am now. God doesn't want me to learn about Him and then put Him up on my library shelf, as if He were the concept of permutations and combinations, you learn about them, and then store that knowledge and rarely use it.  Only when someone asks you in daily conversation, How many ways could these seven Scrabble letters be combined? you could figure out the answer.

No, No, He is a living God, who is watching over me. He is my Shepherd, He restores my soul. He leads me to still waters, leads me down paths of righteousness for His name's sake. He has plans for Mike and I. And we want to do whatever He asks.

We have to listen.

Heal me oh Lord, that I might do your will to your glory, for the rest of my life.