My Drishti

What would be my answer to, What have I learned during the past nine months?

Keep my eyes focused on Jesus.
That's the heart of it.

Keep God as my drishti.

I will explain.

Drishti is a yoga term for the point you focus on, or gaze on. The point you direct your eyes to when you are in a pose. Most important to me in the balancing poses, to find a drishti that isn't too low to the floor so I fall forward, or too much to the left so I lean left, too far to the right and I lean right. Too high up, well, that doesn't seem to be a problem as I haven't started to levitate from a pose, yet.

Choose God as my focal point all day long.

Put God in the center of my everything.

Live in His presence.

Refer to Him, look to Him, think about Him.

Pursue Him.

Be used by Him.

Realize that my relationship with God is the single most important thing in every minute of my life. 

How in the world do I do THAT? Just like those abs in yoga, if I take my focus off for even just a little bit, my gaze goes elsewhere and I loose it. I veer off the path He has set out for me. I need to ask God to help me keep focused on Him. I need to CHOOSE to do this. All Day Long.

How can you keep your focus on something that is invisible? That's why you have to be still. Remember from Psalm 46, Be Still. Rushing around, busy as a bumblebee and processing the one thousand or so sensory bits coming at us each day. Well let's face it. You will not be able to see the invisible.  You can barely see the visible world zooming by you.

Be Still, wait on the Lord, ask for His help, seek first His kingdom, acknowledge His Glory.  Like the shepherd of Psalm 23, He will restore your soul, provide your every need, guide you, be with you. He will even anoint your head with oil. More so, He will do this FOREVER.

Get that, HE will do this. FOREVER.

That's the IDEA in capital letters. But what is the action plan, oh you ask, those of you who have sat through strategic planning weekends?  For me, at this point in my life, here it is. It will change through the years, I know. But for me now:

• Add some items to my daily life so that my gaze rests on reminders of God throughout the day.  I will post Bible verses around my home, place a cross on the wall next to the garage door, wear my pink pearl bracelet always always always to remind me to be thankful. 

• Bells of mindfulness. I will try to think of God every time I walk through a door. A door is transition, change from one room to another, an end and a beginning. I will try this. If it doesn't work, I will try another Bell of Mindfulness. 

• Take time to talk with God especially when I wake up and when I lay down. 

• Put aside time during the day to read the Bible (printing out Psalms and leaving them around the house works) and to study the Bible with others. Be excited about what I read, just as I am Franzen's latest novel or the new new movie that's just out. 

• Go to church and stay active at church. Be an enthusiastic Christian at church. Do you get more out of a sport by watching it being played, or by being on that very team that is playing? Hm, well then, don't just show up at church on Sundays, become a part of the church. Join a small group bible study, volunteer at church.

• Looking into retreats. In a lifelong journey, I need to have some variety and a shot of adrenaline to keep it alive. I want to allow myself time and atmosphere to actively go inside my soul once in awhile, so I don't need to get cancer again. Ever. Retreats, or at least travel. Get out of the normal routine once in awhile.

• Continue using guided meditation tapes by Colleen Arnold, Bernie Siegel, Joyce Rupp, etc.

• Search out friends who feed my soul. Appreciate and grow the friendships that already do. Make sure I take time each day to be with friends, and family. Remember, no one's dying breath has even been, Oh I wish I had spent more time at the office or Oh I wish I had vacuumed the floor more often. 

• Keep love and light and forgiveness and thankfulness as not only words but as actions in my life. 

• Be gentle on myself. Don't put myself first, or last.

• Live intentionally.

• Evaluate how am I doing, once a year on the anniversary of the end of my past nine months.  

• Choose Love. 

My nine months of healing physically and spiritually are done.

Thank you dear friends for your prayers and kindnesses,
for your showers of love
and for your hands that lifted me up.

Thank you for walking down the path with me.
I could not have done this alone.

You and I, we are divine and we are loved.
With an everlasting love.

How cool is that?

Email responses

Thank you all, thank you all for your marathon of kindness.
Here are some of the emailed responses from this week. Thank you all...
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You have been in my thoughts and prayers and some of those prayers already have been answered. Amen ! How truly excellent that the infection has been healed and the path to your final chemotherapy (yeah...) is clear.  You certainly give  praise and thanks to the right source and your faith leads us forward.
Yes,more prayers tonight, knowing all is being guided  by the Lord.
Sleep well. And, mazel Tov on your final chemo!
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Keep up the great work.. and praise the Lord for your last Chemo!

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What a wonderful and powerful day you had.  I bet the bring it on attitude is your being grateful and relieved that this is the last one!

I will be praying for you tomorrow!  Congratulations!

Praise God, He is Awesome.

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Hello Sara:  Well it sounds like it IS ALL WORKING for the good   YEAH YEAH YEAH

I believe you are spot on when you used the analogy of picking up your boys day after day for the subject of doubt.........I also know that is precisely why the Bible contains doubting Thomas....God knows we are are mere humans and therefore He placed Thomas in the Bible so that we can learn from his many doubting times and also MORE IMPORTANTLY by God accepting Thomas and his "doubting ways" we know God accepts us.......and accepts us with all the frailties we may possess.

You are a strong believer and I know God is working in you and through you for a reason......a reason we may not all fully comprehend until we meet face to face but nonetheless He loves you and is there for you as no one else can be in this world, even sadly our families and loved ones.

With His peace and the power of healing and prayer, may this treatment be the best yet and may your body recover with a resounding yes to all that it has taken in and may every last bloody bad cell be gone and be gone for good.

I send lots of love and good thoughts again as you enter your last treatment.  I know you will heal even better this time because you will have the added benefit of having S close at your side to help you through whatever issue may come up in the next few days.

Give yourself a huge hug from me and I hope you feel the positive karma coming your way.

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We will all be right beside you tomorrow as the last of any cancer cells are zapped!

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Your email was such an encouragement! Thanks!! I'll be praying for your day tomorrow.
I'm back in Vail. We might get the first snow tonight. Not sure if I'm ready for winter!

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Best of luck tomorrow, Sara! I will offer up my daily mass for you and your seven intentions mentioned above. Just do what you have to do tomorrow ... like you said, "Bring it on!" Write soon and tell us how you are!!! 

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I can't tell you the late nights I have sat up and read your emails and been so inspired and moved by your faithfulness and strength. S and I are praying for you all the time. I am sorry that I just don't have time to bring you meals or help you out in some other way. But S and I both know the power of prayer as we have seen it in our own lives. And we are witnessing it in yours. There is no greater friend than a praying friend. We look forward to hearing more good news soon. Our thoughts and prayers are always with you,

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 I can tell the steroids are working!  Your enthusiasm is boundless!!!  And I love it!!!  During your appointment I will be hiking the hills behind my condo.  It is so beautiful there.  The fall colors are peaking.  I will dedicate every step for your well being!  As it is not an easy hike, we can enjoy what joy  difficulty, can bring!!  Sorry I know what you are doing is much more intense, but I'm in a metaphor mood!!  I love you very much Sara and  only hope for your recovery is sooner than later!  Hugs and kisses to you.

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Another cliche: Life is a journey.  But it is!   Your reflection and focus is wonderful.

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I'm all over that prayer list just like those "angry birds" for you, Sara!

Praise Him for his patience with us and for His many, many blessings!

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Thanks for the update...I love that u have the "bring it on" attitude! Perfect!! Yep, bring it on and then turn the page on that too long chapter! Yeah, it over! Done!! Finished!!! Hooray!!!! Better chapter ahead!  Praise the Lord!

I'm very proud of you for how incredibly well you have handled this crazy "adventure"... you are truly amazing!! (of course I've always know that!)

Please know I have been praying for you and I will continue to do so. I know in my heart that you are surrounded in God's love and strength and he will guide you through #6 with much success!

I will be dropping off dinner on Monday, so perhaps I'll see you then if you are up.

I am up at the house this week doing one last bit of new landscape planting before I stop till the spring.

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Thanks for sharing your heart with all of us.  My house is quiet just now so I can pray for you with all my heart soul & spirit.  I know that this chemo will work powerfully on your body.  So glad that you are being nourished at Summit.  As my heater warms up the house this morning(it's 46 outside) I will picture the chemo heating & obliterating the cancer cells in you!

May today be filled with untold blessings.

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We are with you today in prayer an thought. You are a inspiration to me. God will provide all of your needs today!

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I am thinking of you today as I always do every day. Today I know that you are so much closer to crossing home plate than ever before! I will pray that the chemo goes smoothly for you. And with your positive attitude and smile all will be well. B, M and I send much love and hugs from afar,

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Good day to you gorgeous. I am so thrilled you are nearing the end of part of this journey. You are and will always be a part of my prayers. I am glad you are feeling better these days and I will be thinking of you as you zap the rest of those little boogers...

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I ready your email and wanted to say thank you for sharing.  The way you stay so positive really puts a different perspective on life and makes me appreciate what I have a lot more every day. I will pray for you and the specific prayers that you requested.  I know you have a wonderful support group around you but I wanted to throw my 2 cents in there for what it is worth.  Thank you very much for all the opportunities you have provided for me and I look forward to seeing you in the office in the near future! 
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I have to say that lunch today meant so much to me. First prayer and then seeing X, both made it very special. X planted a seed in me a very long time ago when I was busy working my way to Heaven.  I wrote her a letter in 1998 when my veil was lifted and I was blessed with a personal relationship with Our Savior.  It's nice knowing our friendships will last through eternity. 
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Job 22:21

Acquaint now thy self with him and be at peace,thereby good shall come to thee.

Praying for you.

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God bless you my friend   You are through Your are through You are through with chemo  AMEN

Actually writing that reminded me of that other famous saying, free at last free at last thank God I am free at last........and guess what ..........you are free of cancer so that one works too.

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Now to be able to put all of this behind you and start living like a "normal" person!!!!! I am so happy for you!!!!

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so glad for you that your 6 Chemos are history ... no place to go now but up ... been through the valley and only peaks in the future .........

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So glad chemo is over for you.  Hope the radiation is so easy! It can be nothing but just showing up each day and I pray that is all it is for you!

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Hallelujah!

Every time we remember to say "thank you",
we experience nothing less than heaven on earth.
-- Sarah Ban Breathnach

I answered the phone while driving this morning, it was the surgeon's office, where I had a biopsy this Monday. It was B the nurse. She asked me how I was doing today... A BILLION thoughts go through your mind in one second.  Is she trying to settle me down for bad news or is it good news so she is relaxed and taking her time? Did she say that with a smile or a tense grimace?

I respond, Every day is a beautiful day. She says, well this news will make today even more beautiful.. I scream out BRAVO and I am certain she is wincing and her ear drum has been burst, but she and I, we don't care. It is a diagnosis of mastitis, which is so not anything at all at this point in time. YEAH! Double YEAH!

I tell the family immediately. This is such fun news. Hallelujah Mike texts back. They all text back, aren't texts great!

Such a thin line between Hallelujah and Oh man.

It is time to ask myself, am I thankful I got cancer?

I know God didn't give it to me. It's a result of cells mutating, and my immune system not being strong enough at this moment to kill the mutated ones.

I know God is efficient and He is using this time in my life to catch my attention, draw me closer, stir me up, and change me forever for the better.

He's showing me how much He loves me, and healing me to better than I was before, in mind, body and spirit.

When I look at photos of times last year, before cancer ,I remember how light hearted I was. I still have moments of light heartedness. I also have moments of knowing God is RIGHT HERE.

Picture this - a black sphere, could be granite or marble. Solid black. Pretty boring to look at? Yes. You look at it for a second or two and move on. No depth, it doesn't tell very much of a story.

Now, if a crack forms in that rock and water with minerals, say silicon and some other minerals, seeps into the crack, quartz could form. And veins of other deposits.

Now the rock looks so much more interesting, more beautiful. The deep black contrasted with white quartz and some taupes and shades of brown from minerals in the crystals.

And that beauty never would have made its way into the black rock if there weren't a crack.

All the experiences we have, every day we live, every person we interact with, they make us who we are. The good and the bad, the joyful and the tearful.

So yes, I can say I am thankful I got cancer. It has added to my beautiful life.

Markers

How do we remember those moments, those precious moments, when God is so alive to us that He is RIGHT THERE in the middle of our lives?  When He is calling the shots and it is so fantastic and we feel so alive? So happy and exhilarated and ALIVE!

In the Old Testament, they would set up a pillar or pile stones to mark events where God interacted in a powerful way. Joshua and the Jordan River, Jacob and wrestling with the angel, etc.

So, what do we do to remember those moments?

First thing comes to mind are photographs.

And more than even a photograph, a wedding album.

Parents, what is perhaps the single biggest decision your child can make that will determine their joy and happiness and contentment and satisfaction in life? Choosing Christ. Okay. Stick with me.

What is perhaps the SECOND biggest decision your child can make? Who they marry! Who will join with them as one and walk with them every day for the rest of their life. Who will be there to pick them up, and they will pick up their spouse when they fall. Who will be there to encourage, to share joy and sorrow, to believe when they are shaky, to share everything.

Last week I had the absolute joy to meet with the photographer for our son's wedding in March, to choose the final shots for the wedding album. This is one marker, the memory of that day that was of utmost importance in our family. And of UTMOST JOY! On March 5 we were a family of four; since 5:00 PM March 6, we are a family of five!

I looked at the first draft of the wedding album the photographer e-mailed me. Magical. Then I went through all the photos to see which I might want added. We were all SO HAPPY! I don't think I saw one photo of any of us not smiling. Ear to ear smiles. It was so easy, through her photos, to be transported back in time to that day when God blessed all of us in such a concrete way. So this album is our marker.

And yes, I had tears in my eyes looking at the photos. Of before I knew I had cancer. Of us all laughing because we were all filled with joy. It was so easy to laugh.

Well, it still is easy to laugh. And I still feel joy. I'm just more tired these days. That will pass. It is easier to laugh when you aren't tired or hurting physically anywhere on your body. But you do still laugh.

Okay, what other events deserve markers? The birth of both our sons, our wedding day, again we have photos and each other to remember these times when God blessed us. And there are random times I felt God's presence in the paths of our lives.

Two more big ones are Mike's healing from lymphoma and my healing from cancer. We don't have markers from these. Yet. I'm going to do some thinking....

Lumpectomy

Surgery was Tuesday, three days ago. I have pretty much slept through the last three days. I don't remember much.  That's okay.  I remember the nausea after surgery, which passed by the next day, but was horrible.

I also remember the process of getting the dye injected into my breast before surgery, so the dye could travel to that infamous Sentinel Node. It was uncomfortable lying on the cold table, in a cold room. They inject radioactive dye into the area of the tumor, so it will naturally travel to the closest node. The surgeon then takes that node out, they look at it to see if it has cancerous cells in it. Mine did. They didn't think it would, but it did. So they took out more lymph nodes.  About a baseball size of them, a good handful.

Surgeon Dr. R was fantastic. She came in to Mike and I first, talked over the surgery thoroughly in the pre-operation area at Florida Hospital Altamonte.  Mike sat next to me while waiting, exploring the IPAD.  J stopped in, welcomed break. He's got such a big heart. How wonderful love is.

I have drains safety pinned to my bra. Huge amounts of gauze are taped under my left arm and over my left breast. I don't want to look under them, at least not yet.  Don't want to move that area either.

Mack and Tray, the newlyweds, are here visiting. So good to have them here. Kindness and hope and future and light. And love.

Went out to lunch then got my hair cut and washed. GL had some advice....

Be thankful always

Be thankful I got cancer

Learn lessons

Let others do things for you

I am important

I can have it my way

Tell people what you need

Tell people what you want

Slow down

I have been in survival mode. I haven't been deep thinking much lately, and that is okay.  This morning I thought, God's got some things to change in me and I haven't been paying attention..... I don't want to miss the lessons. I want my character chiseled. God is very efficient. He didn't cause cancer, but He will use this for His glory.

I had been complaining... Why is life so hard..

Ha!

And when will it be time for Mike and I to rest...

Double ha ha...

Well be careful what you ask for, you might just get it!I have great friends, a loving family, all the things I could ever want. Why was I complaining?

I am a bit numb... I keep thinking this cancer is totally beatable, but
now it's in at least one node...wow! Yes they found it in at least one node, and we will hear more whenever. Am I wrong to not be scared? Should I take this more seriously? Should we change our lives?

I think its good to be a bit numb. God only lets you feel the emotions you should feel at any given time.

Ate at Cafe 118, raw organic vegan. Here's a photo of spaghetti and meatballs (raw zucchini tendrils, uncooked tomato sauce, meatballs of mushrooms and seeds dehydrated.) And those are basil, vegan mozzarella and tomato roll ups in the foreground. I liked it. You just feel so darned healthy when you are finished.
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“Be still, and know that I am God”
Psalm 46:10