I don't want to complain, because this is
no where
no way
no how
anything like the physical onslaught of chemo.
But I am tired, and I am tired of feeling this unusual tired. Profound tired.
Being two-thirds through radiation is not like being two-thirds getting a pedicure. I can be very impatient in pedicures. When you have five things on your list to hit after this pedicure is finished, all before swooping into your garage like a bat outta hell carrying armloads of packages at once so you don't have to make two trips to the garage. And why is it MY pedicurist has to answer the phone today? Usually this takes forty five minutes and I have already been in this chair forty minutes and she doesn't even have the cuticles done yet and I need to go...
Did I really ever have those internal conversations? Yes, and I will again. I will try to stop myself and not, but, well, I'm not perfect. You all know that by now!
Getting back to radiation. Two thirds of the way through is fantastic. Then I look up and out. The entire world it seems to me is having a blast. Two weeks before Christmas, decorations are up (they've been up at the stores since Halloween). Bells are ringing (Salvation Army), Christmas carols are playing. My IPAD has three new playlists - 2010ChristQUIET, 2010ChristLENNOX, 2010Christ. The first is quiet peaceful carols, the second is Annie Lennox's new Christmas Cornucopia album, and the third is my compilation of energetic Christmas music (for cooking, walking, energizing.) It is beginning to look a lot like Christmas...
The entire world is out there, laughing and hugging and telling stories. I want to be with them, but I am profoundly tired.
Friday I canceled a festive mall walk after radiation because I was achy and tired. Radiation was long, as the Trilogy machine broke down again (second time), so they moved me to another machine but it took time to recalibrate. I was really grateful they moved my machine, not skipping a day. They canceled most of the other patients. THANK YOU LORD for keeping me on schedule!
After radiation I called Dad, who sounded blue. He sounded blue Thursday too. I think someone needs a little Christmas cheer! He lives in an apartment in an adult community. I warned him I was tired and not very talkative, which is fine with him. So I picked him up, we went to Panera in downtown Winter Park. Saw some festive Christmas decorations, had a nice lunch of soup and sandwich. Then stopped off and bought him a new bedspread. Okay, I can hear you now telling me, You can't buy happiness. I know, I know. But a little spiffing up of your surroundings does help get you a smile or two.
Slept all afternoon. Mike came home, I canceled out on the dinner party we were going to. I just couldn't do it. Feels like I am swimming through water when I move, slow motion. Shoulders and elbows and hands ache. I still think it is my tendons. Feet are okay (YEAH!) I want to close my eyes, but I don't fall asleep. It's not a sleepy tired, it's a "my body is not functioning up to speed" tired, not feeling just right, and bored. Mind isn't tired. What to eat? Frozen leftovers. Crucial to have at Christmas time, freezer filled with possibilities. Especially this year.
Saturday started out good, had lunch with Dad and Mike at our favorite Jason's Deli. Went there weekly through chemos, fuzzy memories, good food. No corn syrup. Relaxing afternoon writing the tags for all the family's Christmas gifts. All done. All wrapped (last week) and tagged and all are under the tree. Those to be mailed are mailed. Rested, then got all dressed up for the two parties Saturday night. Only made it to the first one... DARN! I even put on mascara, first time since June; it highlighted that I don't have many eyelashes left. But the ones I had were nice and black!
I wanted to wear a new black dress, but couldn't even imagine putting shapewear over my body. The "bra" I am wearing is a Barely There no wire, no cups, no support but comfortable. Allows for total movement of lymph, and that is good.. The left breast is swollen, but not as much as during chemo. Feels thoroughly uncomfortable to put on a regular bras, even in a cup size larger. So I am wearing this Barely There sports type bra, like a camisole in structure. All one piece. Soft, comfortable. It will work for now.
I am putting on lavender oil and the liquid from two inches of aloe plant every morning and night. My left breast is red, but not overly stinging. Sunburn. The underarm area is reddish-tan. Uncomfortable but not so bad. So I wore the looser velvet top and pants, with good jewelry. Dazzle them with diamonds and they won't notice the clothing or the wig.
We went next door to the first party. Winter Park held a Boat Parade, the theme of this party. We chatted with friends, went outside to view the flotilla. I had one glass of wine, and nibbled on some party food. We came home after an hour, to put up the feet for a moment and venture out to the next Christmas fete.
I sat on the sofa, my head was spinning. It was so much noise and activity. I started to shiver. It was weird, I wasn't cold. Just shivering every ten minutes or so. Went and took two Advil, laid on the sofa. Still shivering. A little upset stomach. Feet and hands and arms feeling swollen. This is how you feel tired, like your body just doesn't want to function at normal speed. After fifteen minutes, I knew I couldn't get up and go anywhere. Which is really poopy because I was all dressed up, and really looking forward to seeing friends. Oh so looking forward to it!
Went upstairs, put on the jammies and bathrobe. Rested on the upstairs sofa. Came down, opened the fridge. What to have for dinner. Nothing looked good. I saw the Ricotta Cheese. AHA, how about Ricotta Lemon Pancakes. Easy, light, fast. I also could have gone with an omelette but Mike doesn't like them and I am not making two different dinners in one night. Tonight or ever. This is a recipe from the San Francisco Four Seasons, where Mike's parents had an apartment. Watched The Grown Ups, a funny movie. Good choice Mike.
Isn't it ironic, just at a point where you want support from friends, and laughter, you are so tired, you have to stay home. On the other hand, as my white blood count is low staying home might have saved me from germs. If I had pushed myself and gone to Party Number Deux last night, I might be sniffling or coughing this morning.
I am thinking of how to work out the Christmas schedule so we have all the important activities as a family (church, dinner, etc) and I also get enough rest. I know if I push and get too tired, I will not enjoy Christmas and am more likely to get anxious and weepy. Who needs that?
Christmas is about the gift God gave us so that we can live every moment in God's presence.
He takes us through seasons in our lives.
This is my season to Be Still.
Okay, I get it...
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Ricotta Lemon Pancakes - for 4 people.
Mix these together:
1 cup flour
3/4 cup sugar
1/2 tsp baking powder
zest of half a lemon
1 cup ricotta cheese
6 egg yolks
salt
Fold in:
6 whipped egg whites
Cook on griddle, make about 3" in diameter.
These are very delicate. And sweet. We ate with maple syrup. Why not?
