Last night I lay in bed thinking, I should feel like jumping up and down and celebrating. Instead I feel a bit unsettled. What's this all about? Is this strange?
Ever feel like this at the end of a long-term tough time? Unsettled.
Well, first of all I am tired and blistered. Certainly throws clouds into your thoughts.
But here's what I think. I've been fighting a battle against a known enemy, tumor in the breast, tumor in the lymph nodes. We've been using tried and true heavy duty weapons like surgery, chemo and radiation. An arsenal of weapons against a tiny group of mutated cells. Statistically, they had little chance to make it through. eight months of full-on attack.
Now we are approaching a new stage. Putting away those big guns because the cancer cells are gone (standing firm on that one), need to rebuild from the collateral damage done to my healthy body over the last eight months of warfare.
There's no doctor to lead you on this path. You are on your own. Doctors focus on fixing a problem, not on maintaining wellness. I get the arm port out in January, I see the oncologist in April, and the radiology oncologist in April. They think I will have a mammogram in April. They will see me annually for five years. That's it. Slam, bam, thank you ma'am.
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It's the change from front line battle under the direction of the five star general, to returning to normalcy making sure to reinvent enough of the structure of everyday life to prevent another uprising.
It's the change from full time eradicating cancer using the tested protocols dictated by doctors, to returning to normalcy making sure I redirect enough of my everyday life to prevent cancer from returning.
I see this, I am now on my own. NO WAIT, not true. Who is always with me, the Lord. Who will speak to me, guide me, promises He will meet my every need? The Lord. Who has been there every step of the way for eight months? The Lord. Who has shown me love, through my family and friends, more than I could have imagined? The Lord.
And what is the ONE thing I need to do? Be still and listen to him. Know that He is God, not me. Trust this in my heart. From the peace of my heart, He will pour out love to others. There's my mission marching forth.
Antioxidants, exercise, meditation, prayer, yoga, being with family, travel, being with friends, cooking, reading, baseball, church, time to be still. These will knit together to form my daily life. The Lord will light the path for me so I will be light hearted. All I need is here. Right here.
