Ramping up for Chemo #4 - Attitude

I'm starting with a hat trick of quotes from 3 wise men: Bernie Siegel, Chuck Swindoll, and St. Paul. All on attitude.

When disappointments and setbacks occur, learn to view them as events that will redirect you to something good. Bernie Siegel

The only thing we can do is play the one string we have, and that is our attitude... I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% how I react to it. And so it is with you... we are in charge of our attitudes.  Chuck Swindoll

Philippians 2:5 Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus

It's the Monday before Chemo #4 on Tuesday.

This might be the last one, or there might be two more, that's the conversation we're having with Dr. M tomorrow. I want two more, because I want to make sure every single errant cell is zapped. But he was leaning towards only four because Chemo is hard on your body, and I will next go to radiation.

I am right between two protocols. Stage 2 Invasive Breast Cancer with no nodes involved was four Taxotere plus Cytoxan treatments, and with nodes involved was eight treatments. I had only one node involved. Just one. So we briefly talked about six treatments. I want to get all the cancer cells gone, no change for recurrence. I do think that whatever Dr. M decides (I will give it my all for six) will be the right decision. I've been praying that the Holy Spirit give him clear insight into what my body needs right now for full healing. So He will.

Fantastic weekend at the beach with Mike, Corey and T. We went to the same hotel as in May, which was the weekend before Chemo #1. They have great deals at beach hotels during the summer... We sat under the umbrellas with SPF 55 on, came out of the sun mid-day. I don't think I got a lick of tan, but that's the point.

Took our IPADS so we played Scrabble, and we have a new game (for us), Balderdash. Oh my goodness, laughing until tears are falling. I am surrounded by very creative, funny and loving people in this family.


I have to add these two photos. Mike and Corey in the first are doing the typical pose of two guys on the beach with a football.

In the second photo, they look as if this spheroid object just washed up on the beach and they are trying to figure out what it is? In reality, they were looking at the writing on the football, because these two orderly guys wanted to make sure the words were facing front and in full view when the photo was taken. I just love it!

At one point it hit us, compare who we are right now to who we were only three months ago sitting in the very same beach chairs.

First, I am now certain God has healed me completely, it is getting worked out through the chemo and radiation and my body's immune system is getting back into working order. Three months ago in my mind I was certain, and I was asking God to bring my emotions and believing up to one hundred percent. He has done that, I am peaceful and secure knowing Jesus is the healer.

Secondly, on the same topic, I had decided in May to trust God for His help during Chemo #1. Now it is so much easier to lean over into Him during Chemo #4, knowing that He has been there every second of the way for the first three chemos. I  FEEL certain He will be here this time too. I still have blips of thoughts - oh darn, how did these three weeks in between chemos fly so fast, have I done all I need to do to prepare.. But those are blips and I pick them up out of my thoughts and throw them up to Jesus, and bring back the thought- thank you for healing me, thank you for being right here with me, thank you for the peace that passes all understanding.

Thirdly, How thankful I am to all you who are helping, in ways that might seem small to you but they are HUGE MOUNTAINS of LOVE AND KINDNESS to me and to Mike. Every word, e-mail, phone message, meal, flower, prayer, mall walk, walk anywhere, devoting days to me, lunch, tea, hand sanitizer packets, air aromatherapy, car ride, soup, book, pashmina, movies, etc are beautiful times for me to see God's love in action. And I know this is tiring, as this has been going on since the end of April. But you guys are all so good to hang in there with me! It is as if each kindness is a flower, and all together they compose the most beautiful bouquet, or really a breath-taking field of wildflowers!

I can empathize with Henri Nouwen when he talks about his need for community. I need community. I do not want to exist separate from others. But yet, I want to look to Jesus for my affirmation of worth as a person. And believe me, He thinks you and I and all of us are just the apple of His eye. He loves each of us unconditionally, which is just mind-boggling. Because of this, when I'm with my community, I can hopefully be evidence of His love for others as well as sharing in some for myself.

This all gets me back to the verse He gave me in the parking lot before I got the first biopsy results - Be still and know that I am God, Psalm 46. I have never been as still as I have been these past four and a half months. Especially in acupuncture. You have to lie really really still for thirty minutes which I said I could NEVER do, but, well, never say never. It is the best time for prayer and contemplative prayer, just repeating over and over slowly with your breathing.  I started out with the verse from Psalms, but now I say the beginning of Psalm 23. You know, that is such a great Psalm.  No wonder it is the most asked for Psalm in hospitals.

And then fourthly, I know I am being redirected. I want it to stick. I want God to change me how He wants, redirect my path, and I want to stay on it.

I think there is no such thing as "I don't have enough time for that". We all spend our time where we want, and if something is important to you, you will put it as a priority and it will get done. It is my highest priority to stay focused on Jesus, to continue growing in my relationship with Him, to keep my face pointed towards God.

Maybe that's a key - keep growing. Just like any relationship, people change. God doesn't change, but I do. So my relationship with Him, just like my marriage and how I interact with my kids, must keep growing and flexing through the years to stay vibrant and alive and appropriate. My boys are twenty five and twenty nine, so I have a far different relationship with them as I did twenty years ago. Mike and I have been married thirty two years, now we are empty nesters, and helping each other heal. A far different relationship than ten years ago or twenty. And each time we flex and redirect, we grow closer.

With God, I would stagnate if I stayed exactly with Him like I am now. God doesn't want me to learn about Him and then put Him up on my library shelf, as if He were the concept of permutations and combinations, you learn about them, and then store that knowledge and rarely use it.  Only when someone asks you in daily conversation, How many ways could these seven Scrabble letters be combined? you could figure out the answer.

No, No, He is a living God, who is watching over me. He is my Shepherd, He restores my soul. He leads me to still waters, leads me down paths of righteousness for His name's sake. He has plans for Mike and I. And we want to do whatever He asks.

We have to listen.

Heal me oh Lord, that I might do your will to your glory, for the rest of my life.

The Prodigal Son - Multiple days

Today I feel pretty good. Still working on the sinus infection, getting better. Ramping up for Chemo #3 in six days. Port finally doesn't bother me. Okay, got that news out of the way. On to more important stuff, the stuff that will last forever. Soul stuff.

The Return of the Prodigal Son

Henri Nouwen's book on Rembrandt's painting

Instead of entering comments every day, I am going to put all my comments on this book in one entry. 

Wednesday  

Remember the story of the Prodigal Son? We all know it, we have heard it over and over and we know the lesson is that no matter what we have done, God welcomes us back with open arms.

Henri Nouwen wrote a fantastic book, based on this story and on Rembrandt's painting of this story. For some reason, I was compelled to read his book again.  It just came in the mail. As I remember, he first discusses the parable from the Prodigal Son's perspective, which is the one we all relate to traditionally. The younger prodigal son received his inheritance, left and spent it all partying, realizes he would have a better life back home as a servant than he does working manual labor in a strange land, and he is accepted back with a feast and royal treatment. Inspiration that however far we go from God, we are still His child, He loves us and will welcome us back. I like that. We all like that.

Then he looks at it through the Elder Dutiful Son's eyes, and then through the Father's eyes. The Elder Son who never gave his father any grief, but worked hard and diligently and was faithful. How does he feel about his brother's reception? Angry. Resentful.

And the Father, who has probably hoped and prayed for his son's return every day, yet at the same time his heart was so sad his son would be so reckless. How does he feel once the moment of joy and celebration is over? What does he do? Its not just the moments of reaction and emotion to the son's return, its the days and months and years that follow. Its been 15 years since I read Henri's insights.

Thursday 

Part I - The Prodigal Son's viewpoint

 Leaving Home

You have to leave before you can return. Henri Nouwen points out that this parable isn’t just about a son asking and getting his inheritance, it’s about each and every one of us who leave the home of the place where we know we are Beloved of God, and venture out into the place where we want to be loved of the world. You know that place. Where your eyes aren’t looking to Jesus for acceptance.  You are doing a task to get a compliment, or you are calling up someone because you want them to do something for you but not in this phone call, in the future.

I don’t know about you, but my past isn’t decadent. By any means. I am not bragging, I just didn’t have the energy to think of being decadent. I just didn't have time for getting into much trouble. School took a lot of hours. Tennis and the band (marching band, not a rock band. I played percussion, which means anything from the cymbals to the triangle.)  In college, our Friday nights often were Scrabble and a bottle of wine or champagne with C and B. Maybe going to a dance (but Mike never dances) or drinks at the Copper Penny or Grotto. We studied pretty much every night. I never had the desire to do wacko things, my life was an adventure enough. Our friends did all those crazy things, I listened. I also was one of those who pulled full or partial all-nighters weekly because Chemical  Engineers had a lot of problem sets and I was really into group work. So I was too tired to be wild. I will admit, I was not a Chemical Engineer by nature.  Mike was.  Mike never stayed up past 11:30 doing work in college. Yep, picture the two nerdiest people you know, and here we are (sorry Mack and Corey, I know you are cringing at this point.)

So, I never quite related to the prodigal son in Luke’s parable who went off and partied non-stop, running through his inheritance. BUT oh boy do I relate to the son who leaves the figurative “home” of both knowing and feeling you are one hundred percent loved by God. That if He had a refrigerator, my picture would be on it! I have left that ‘home’ and traveled to where I am looking for community, acceptance, friendship. Where I will say and act to gain that acceptance rather than speaking and acting in step with Jesus and out of desire to do His will. Not a place I want to be, but I go there. Is that rebellion, rebellion because part of me doesn’t want to submit to God’s authority, to let Him be in control?

Yes, I can relate to the prodigal son, and I leave my ‘home’ too often. How fantastic to return. Now, Lord, help me want to stay there.

Returning Home

I read the rest of the chapter on the Prodigal Son’s viewpoint. He has to decide the best choice is to return home, to repent, to ask forgiveness. Takes being at the bottom of the pit for some to do this. And he doesn’t even ask to be restored to full “sonship”, he says he will be a hired hand. Think of what it takes to return, to turn and ask forgiveness. It takes a complete change of heart, from “I know best” to “I messed up and God You know best.” Pride gets swallowed, and the thought of the potential for happiness and fun and fulfillment from wandering away from home is replaced by the reality that it was smoke and mirrors. It’s a sad moment for the son. And scary, as he doesn’t know if his father will take him back. How peaceful for us that we have the promise God will always take us back. He never wanted us to leave!

In Rembrandt's painting, Nouwen says the Prodigal Son looks like a baby’s head, a rebirth. I see that.

He also says he can think of the Prodigal Son as Jesus, having taken on all of our sins (he didn’t rebel), suffered and died for us, and is now back with the Father, receiving forgiveness for all of our sins.

To me, forgiving others is easy. It is easy when they ask for forgiveness, it is more difficult when they don’t ask, but I know I need to forgive anyway. I can’t always immediately, but it comes. And I truly feel unsettled until I do forgive someone. I have a much more difficult time forgiving myself. I’m working on that one.

Saturday 

Part II - The Elder Son

This viewpoint is the one that inspired me to buy the book and reread it. The painting by Rembrandt uses poetic license. The elder son is out in the fields working when he hears the feast and celebration going on, so he wasn't watching when the father and prodigal son first met up. In fact, the elder son was angry and jealous that his wayward brother was getting a celebration, better than he himself had ever gotten. He had always done the right things, worked hard, tried to please his father, and he was jealous. Rembrandt puts him in the painting, that's okay by me.

He was probably tired from working so hard, being the dutiful son, and he just didn't know why his brother, who had been irresponsible, was getting such a warm welcome. Resentful.

It is such an awful feeling, jealousy, resentment, why me? It creeps into without me knowing, not often, but it creeps. On tippy toes. That little thought pops into my head - why wasn't I invited to that party, why is he getting the thank you because I did most of the project, why did I get cancer, etc... So petty and really distasteful. Most of the time, I can just catch that thought and throw it back out the window.

But there are moments when I don't have the spiritual strength, and I let it linger in my mind a little too long. It gets comfortable, sits down and decides to stay. We can't control our feelings, but we have control over our thoughts, which create our feelings. So when that jealous thought slips in, whoosh I need to send it packing. Right away.

I get this feeling (resentment) when my cup isn't filled up. When I have been short cutting my bible reading and prayer and devotional time. When I haven't been listening to God speaking. He's been speaking, I just haven't been listening.

In the painting the Elder son is the figure on the far right. Red robe, pretty stoic, body language says he's withdrawn, not wanting to be part of this reunion

So this elder brother is brewing jealousy, resentment.  He's angry. I don't get the angry part, but oh well, anger isn't my strong suit. I get hurt. He refuses to celebrate. What does the Father do? Comes out to him and says  Son, you don't understand. You're with me all the time, and everything that is mine is yours.

So if I am the Elder Son, and I am jealous or envious of how good He (God the Father) is to someone else who I feel is a bit undeserving, here's His response to me:

Right off, the Father came out to the Elder son. The Hound of Heaven (John Donne's words) keeps following us, He comes to meet us, He wants us to be with Him. Its not like an argument where each doesn't want to be the first to approach the other for reconciliation. God our Father has shown us with His Son Jesus that He will do whatever it takes for us to be totally in relationship with Him. So in this parable, the Father comes out to the resentful, jealous Elder Son. God has already come to me.

Oh, this is exactly what I would want to hear.... First "son", the Father reinforcing that I am His child. No if's, and's or but's. No qualifiers. Nothing I need to do to remain His son, I am His.

Secondly, "you don't understand." Sara, you are processing what is happening incorrectly. Look at this event through different eyes, the eyes of love and forgiveness. Stand next to me and in my arms and look at your brother coming home. Change your viewpoint.

Thirdly, "You're with me all the time". The Father is reminding me that He and I have a relationship that is solid. Past, present and future. It's not a pie and because my brother gets more, I get less. A relationship with God goes beyond human understanding, into the infinite. He and I are connected constantly, and I have had the joy of NOT being far away from Him.

Fourthly, "Everything that is mine is yours." In the parable, this is material possessions I am guessing. With God, He's telling me that He isn't holding back anything from me. He has strength and love and healing power and grace and mercy and joy and so much more, which He wants to share with me, He wants me to be a vessel to bring glory to Him. He wants me to be part of the plan, and it will be a wild and wonderful adventure. Everything. He will not hold back anything from me. He will abide in me and me in Him.

And lastly, "but this is a wonderful time, and we had to celebrate." I am part of the inner circle, and here's my brother who has returned. He has returned to the family. I am loved by the Father, and so is my brother. More love makes it better.

So, HOW TO CHANGE MY OUTLOOK FROM resentment to acceptance?

Henri Nouwen has two things - Trust and Gratitude.

Trust. Trust what I said above, that the Father loves me and it is forever and unwavering. If the Father loves someone else too, it does not diminish His love for me one iota. Trust Him. More than believing in Him. Trust your entire life to Him. Trust that His love is limitless and unconditional, and is the best thing I could possibly imagine.

Gratitude. Be thankful for all, for the big and the little. For the past for the present and for the future. Be thankful for every inch of your life. I am thankful for my loving husband, loving sons and daughter-in-law, kindhearted friends and family. For technology and medicine. For getting cancer and the healing of cancer. For my home, the blessings of my day to day life. For the things that are obvious blessings, and also for the things that don't seem like it at the time, but I know and trust God will work in them for good.

I have also learned that not everything is about me. Sometimes God has me in a situation, and God is using me (in a good way- in the way I want to be used by Him) for His purpose for someone else. I am just part of the picture. Lord, just give me peace about those times!

For me these are two things to think about -

How can I increase my trust in my Father,

and

How can I increase my gratitude.

Search me oh Lord, and show me...

Sunday

Part III - The Father's viewpoint

Now looking through the eyes of the Father. Nouwen concludes that the Father is who we are all ascribing to be. Unconditional love, limitless forgiveness. The light in the painting draws you to his compassionate face, his hands bestowing blessing and his red mantle as shielding and protecting.

The Father is God our father. We as Christians are called to be as the Father is to the world.... not stay as the outwardly wayward prodigal son, or not harden as the inwardly wayward elder son. But to mature in God's grace so we might love as this Father loves his son.

Wow, I didn't see that coming. Didn't ever relate the Father in this parable to myself. But Nouwen doesn't say we are there yet, he says that is what we are called to strive for. Phew...

Something I think is awesome - the Father ran out to greet BOTH the sons. Our Lord is actively searching for each of us. Whenever we go off from being right there in the middle of our relationship with him, He reaches out for us. He uses all our experiences for good. He protects us from wandering too far that we can't turn around and start back.

And what are we starting back to? The joy, the peace, the certainty that we are part of God's household. God, who is the pinnacle of love, who is stronger than death, who wants us to be in the world, but not of the world. He wants us, comes after us, asks us to be in His kingdom now.

This is the joy that is ours in any and every circumstance we find ourselves in. I acknowledge there is darkness and sadness and hurt and suffering, but I choose to live in a world of light and joy and hope and love.

May I be used by God every day to shine His light on the joy in the world. To alleviate some of the darkness, sadness, hurt, suffering. May I choose everyday to be joyful, to keep focused on God. To be thankful. To be compassionate. To forgive easily. To love and to accept love.

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The parable of the Prodigal Son :
Luke 15:11-32 (The Message)

The Story of the Lost Son
11-12 Then he said, "There was once a man who had two sons. The younger said to his father, 'Father, I want right now what's coming to me.'"

12-16 "So the father divided the property between them. It wasn't long before the younger son packed his bags and left for a distant country. There, undisciplined and dissipated, he wasted everything he had. After he had gone through all his money, there was a bad famine all through that country and he began to hurt. He signed on with a citizen there who assigned him to his fields to slop the pigs. He was so hungry he would have eaten the corncobs in the pig slop, but no one would give him any.

17-20 "That brought him to his senses. He said, 'All those farmhands working for my father sit down to three meals a day, and here I am starving to death. I'm going back to my father. I'll say to him, Father, I've sinned against God, I've sinned before you; I don't deserve to be called your son. Take me on as a hired hand.' He got right up and went home to his father.

20-21 "When he was still a long way off, his father saw him. His heart pounding, he ran out, embraced him, and kissed him. The son started his speech: 'Father, I've sinned against God, I've sinned before you; I don't deserve to be called your son ever again.'

22-24 "But the father wasn't listening. He was calling to the servants, 'Quick. Bring a clean set of clothes and dress him. Put the family ring on his finger and sandals on his feet. Then get a grain-fed heifer and roast it. We're going to feast! We're going to have a wonderful time! My son is here—given up for dead and now alive! Given up for lost and now found!' And they began to have a wonderful time.

25-27 "All this time his older son was out in the field. When the day's work was done he came in. As he approached the house, he heard the music and dancing. Calling over one of the houseboys, he asked what was going on. He told him, 'Your brother came home. Your father has ordered a feast—barbecued beef!—because he has him home safe and sound.'

28-30 "The older brother stalked off in an angry sulk and refused to join in. His father came out and tried to talk to him, but he wouldn't listen. The son said, 'Look how many years I've stayed here serving you, never giving you one moment of grief, but have you ever thrown a party for me and my friends? Then this son of yours who has thrown away your money on whores shows up and you go all out with a feast!'

31-32 "His father said, 'Son, you don't understand. You're with me all the time, and everything that is mine is yours—but this is a wonderful time, and we had to celebrate. This brother of yours was dead, and he's alive! He was lost, and he's found!'"