Completed

This blog is completed. I'm in a new part of life ... wellness!

If you want to start this blog at the beginning, nine months ago, click here and follow me along the path.

I have written my thoughts and actions of the past nine months as a web log.

This blog starts when I was diagnosed with Stage 2 Ductal Cell Carcinoma breast cancer ...  that started in my left breast and spread through my left armpit lymph nodes. 

This blog journeys through the treatments of surgery, surgery, chemos, radiations. I didn't include the final surgery.

This blog ends with the start of a new chapter in my life, jumping into HEALTHY! Mind, body and spirit. This new chapter, well, let's hope it is a really, really, really long one.

All the best to you, dear readers.

How has cancer changed you?

I have been asking cancer survivors I happen to be in conversation with, how has cancer changed you?

Dear friend reading this, you know that from the beginning I knew cancer would be used by God for good in my life. Redirection. I want to learn the lessons, make the changes, and live life to the fullest. I want to embrace all God has set out for me on my path.

So what were their answers? (I paraphrased some of their words)

1. Surround myself with reminders that Jesus is my Lord and King and He is in control. Wear a cross my daughter gave me, read devotionals on line, look for Him. Work with Christians. Ask where can I help others see that God is alive and working in their lives.

2. Look for people, events, places that nourish my soul.

3. Try to go to mass every day. Look for ways to inspire others.

4. Encourage others. Be God's hands to show love. And don't stress out over it, God will show me what he wants me to do. Also, be gentle on myself, enjoy every day.

5. Realize that God's timing isn't always my timing. He is in control.

6. Spend more time alone, in prayer, reading. Start my day, every day, reading the Bible and praying.

7. Surround myself with positive people, uplifting people and fun teams of people.

8. Always have accountability, usually to a Bible Study group.

9. Do something every day that is fun, that makes me laugh.

10. I have been redirected to “pay it forward” (the blessings I have received) back out into the universe in any way that I can.

11. I realized just how much I wanted to live, and the appreciation for what I still do have in my life. I will no longer sweat the small stuff and I am now determined that no matter what it will be okay.  I will make the most of everyday and appreciate everything and everyone in it no matter how small it might be. I am determined to become the positive person that I was so many years ago. I will let nothing take that from me again.

12. Cancer forced me to focus on myself, something that was not even in my vocabulary.  Yes, we all could and should walk that extra mile to help someone else in need, but not at the expense of your own health and well being.

13. I no longer say yes when I want to say no.

14.  I count my blessing each and every day.

15. I have a renewed focus on God, meditation, and journaling. I want to be sure I don’t “stuff” my feelings through this process, and stay out of fear-based thinking.

Memories of Six Chemos

A week later.

At this moment in time, the minutes and events of the past week are memories. YEAH!

As I opened my eyes this morning, once again every cell in my body was shouting out, We're happy! They were all wiggling and smiling, like a bunch of kids crowding home plate to high five the guy who just hit a game-winning grand slam. Everyone's crowded together, jumping up and down, just can't contain their joy.

Every chemo of this series of six will be remembered by me for something. As of this moment right now, here's my memories.


The first was all new, I was trying so hard to be brave and strong and do it all right. Mike and I clung together, you all showered us with gifts and food and flowers and words of encouragement and prayers. I didn't know what my future would be. I was trying so hard, I hadn't learned that God was totally in control. I was scared, but you know, I was brave.

The second and third blend together. They were tough times. I knew how I would feel, I was in the middle of it all, had a sinus infection.  Had a second biopsy after number three. Ouch! Just when you think you have the faith thing down, more gets thrown at you. Now I get it, but going through it is tough. I was carried through by Mike, S, family, friends, you visited, you called, you ate with me, walked with me, lifted me up, laughed with me, hugged me. Literally carried me through.

Fourth I was surrounded by family. Mike, Mack, Tray, Corey. Needed that. I knew Jesus was there, but I needed to have love right there in the room, in cellular form. That I could touch and hold.  Vivid photographs in my mind of that weekend.

Fifth was the worst I think. Hardest physically. My body was weak. Everyone chipped in and helped. I thought I was done with chemo, really thought it. A flamboyance of flamingos. Yes, that is true. I adore, simply adore collective nouns, and isn't that a great one?  Does anyone remember Ruth Heller's picture book on collective nouns out about twenty five years ago?



Now the sixth chemo, Mike and S watched about thirty hours of the television series The Tudors with me over a four day period. It is finally the glorious fall weather we all perch on the edge of our lawn chairs waiting for in Florida, but I wanted to be a couch toad and watch the Tudors series. So they did too.

We ate red velvet cake and beef tenderloin and pasta and shells and black beans and pecan pie and lemon pie. Black licorice and almonds. And chicken soup and chicken soup and oatmeal cookies and pears and chicken soup. They exercised in the mornings while I was still asleep or was doing a guided meditation, or napping. They walked and jogged all around Winter Park. Came back with stories (saw five peacocks, twenty five percent of the people are texting or using their cell phones while driving on Aloma, there was a fashion show in downtown Winter Park, fifteen percent are texting while driving on Aloma, there's a new head of South Korea, what was the season finale on Mad Men?)

One week later, I will never have chemo again. PHEW. All the cells in my body are happy, jumping up and down for joy. They are giggly happy. All the cancer that might have been hiding anywhere in my body has been zapped like a green piggy on Angry Birds.

Now is time to return to healthy.... ramp up for radiation...  I have my planning session with the radiologist Dr. S tomorrow.

By the grace of God we are healed.

Definite Decision

Proverbs 3:5-6
Trust in the Lord with all your heart;
do not depend on your own understanding.
Seek his will in all you do,
and he will show you which path to take.

 

Prayer works...

Rarely in my life have I felt so surrounded by prayer and so certain that God was right there with me ...in the room with Dr. M and I this morning.  A twenty minute discussion.  I can not tell you have much your prayers and e-mails meant to me as I was driving there, circling up six levels of the Florida Hosp parking garage, winding my way through the elevators and then sitting in the waiting room. I sat waiting for thirty minutes in the waiting room and read over your e-mails, over and over.

The meeting didn't go quite the way I thought it would. I left truly surprised. Shocked even. It took several hours for his news to sink in.  After reviewing all my records thoroughly the night before, and after spending time rereading studies on chemo treatment for my kind and stage of breast cancer, Dr M has no doubt in his mind that I need six chemos total  (one more.) This is definite.  Not the ambiguity I heard at the last appointment. There was no thought of giving me a choice he said, unless I physically didn't think I could handle the temporary side effects from chemo. Right.....

The tumor I had was small but very aggressive (his words.) I said, Aggressive? He said, Yes. Very Aggressive. Whoa horses, that is a hard pill to swallow. He said, It had, surprisingly for its small size, already gone into one node, and there is a good enough chance that some cancer cells had spread elsewhere through vascular means. So six treatments of a high dose of two chemo drugs at once is the recommended treatment to get the cancer cells that had spread. The studies are not ambiguous, he said.

So what about the nerve damage I am seeing, and my heart and liver and bone marrow we can't tell? He says, as long as my nerves are totally healthy at the time of a chemo, any effects of the chemo are reversible. He doesn't want to do a chemo until my nerves are completely happy. He wants to delay the last chemo one week to give me more time to get healthy, so it will be Oct 19. As for my bone marrow getting damaged (leukemia), well my white blood count, red blood count, and platelets are normal even today (only two weeks after a chemo) so he says my bone marrow is healthy and not being affected to the extent we would worry. He said my heart and liver, according to today, both look healthy and not to worry at all about them ...at all.

I asked, But you gave me the choice of four or six before. In fact, earlier you said four were definite, and the next two were maybe too much. He said my body has stayed really healthy through all the chemo, which is not the norm. And in his review for our meeting today, he went back to the original studies for this treatment and thoroughly looked at my records and reports and tests, and it was clear. Six treatments.

And of course I asked, if I were one of your family, what would you say? He said, with your blood counts, definitely do #6.  No question in his mind.

Bottom line, by him, I have a higher probability of breast cancer returning than lasting damage to my nervous system, heart, bone marrow or liver.

The big answer to prayer, Dr. M was definite. There wasn't any choice in his mind.

Thank you God for definite.

Thank you God that he reviewed my records again and reviewed the original studies.

Thank you God that all of your prayers (my friends and family) were surrounding this decision.

And

Thank you God I will get one more chemo, which will be the nail in the coffin for any cancer cells still in me.   Watch out little cancer cells, this is the final goodbye!

How wonderful that two friends, L and S, were mall walking with me today, so I got to tell them all this right away, process it, and get some exercise. I was still in shock when they first saw me, and must have babbled on and on and on.

Then I went, by Dr. M's guidance, to the surgeon Dr. R this afternoon. Seems I have an infection inside the left breast, and will get some IV antibiotic at some point over the next two days. Compared to the first discussion, this is small potatoes!

J prayed for me. I dropped by her home. I have never, that I can remember, dropped by someone's home to ask them to pray for me. I felt like I needed it, and I wanted her to pray. It was around lunch time, she was home. We talked, she prayed. I went in a little shaky, and came out with the peace that passes understanding growing stronger in me. Growing....

Dinner with Dad, talked with Mike (he's in Georgia), talked with B and Mack and D. I knew I needed to process this because I would be alone all night, needed to get this settled before the sun set. You know that feeling? Visited L to process some more. I am so blessed with all of you. Doesn't God provide more that we can ever ask?

Honestly, I am a little scared right now of actually going through Chemo #6. I was mentally done with chemo and looking ahead to starting the six and a half weeks of radiation.

But on the good side, I am one hundred percent confident that I need Chemo #6, that God's path includes me doing Chemo #6, and that I will not be alone for even one second.  Let my thoughts feed my feelings.

 Ever Onward and Upward.....

Please pray

Dear all,

Tomorrow morning I meet with Dr. M to decide if I do the sixth chemo or stop at five (which was two weeks ago.)  You talk about a choice of yes or no which potentially has long term consequences...

 The thought to stop now is that there has been more lingering nerve damage than before. Tingling still in hands and feet, and a sensation of burning down front of left leg that is slowly dissipating. A feeling of tapping on the left heel. And what is called "floppy feet" the first week, when you walk on stairs the feet don't balance correctly. They flop. These show the chemo is working well, and the concern is the damage to my bone marrow, heart and liver might be to the point where we should stop.

The thought to continue on with the sixth chemo is that we want to make sure we have zapped all the cancer that might be anywhere. I think we have.

So, please pray for discernment for Dr. M and me, that the decision made will be the one that leads down God's path of healing.

THANK YOU!

Details of Chemo #5

I am out the other side of Chemo #5, and want to record the details. My hope is this will help someone else who is going through Chemo.

This blog was started for several reasons: a safe place for words to flow as a catharsis for me, a record of this time of cancer treatment for me to see my growth and lessons learned, an aid to anyone going through healing, and a way to reflect Glory to God of His work in my life right now.

I want you all to realize, I am no better or worse than anyone of you at walking through illness. Sometimes I listen to the still small voice speaking to my soul, and sometimes I ignore it. Each of us has the spirit to heal, and each of us has the presence of God available every second.

I, like each of you, are given the gift of life for today. I want my life today to be like clay in the potter's hand, reworked to reflect the creator's glory. It is God who has all the answers, has all the power, and knows what to do. I am just like you, trying. I fall, I get up. I fall, I get up. I look to Him. I need Him.

Each of you have had and will have amazing events in your life, some visible to all and some only known by you (and God).  Sometimes you will see your impact on others' lives right away, sometimes you will never know how others are affected by your words or actions. Sometimes the whole event is about you, and sometimes it is totally about someone else.  Isn't that cool?

It is God's power that heals, it is God's love that is shown through all of you.

I am just trying to cooperate.

So, what follows are the humdrum details of this week. Please don't feel you need to read them if they hold no interest. 

------------
Day 0 of Chemo, Monday Sept 20
The Getting Ready Day

Concept - Today is prepping for tomorrow. Keeping peaceful and positive while organizing for another attack on any cancer cells left. Want to have my body is as good a shape as possible, so the healthy cells stay healthy. 

Exercise - 4 laps around the Millenia Mall, which is two miles (I emailed their office to ask). I want to get some blood moving but not true exercise. Studies have now come out that say you should avoid mind and body stress for two days prior to chemo, as the stress causes your body to produce a protein that protects cancer cells from chemo. Yes, you heard it here. Of course, thinking about getting chemo is stressful in itself, but we all do what we can. At least I can minimize physically stressing out.


Food- Breakfast of Big Wood River Granola, Greek Vanilla Yogurt and some blueberries, Green Tea. Have been having this for eons it seems. Lunch of the Chicken Chop Salad at PF Changs (with friends!) Dinner is sauted artichoke hearts, garlic and onions served over Celegini mozzarella cheese balls and 2 oz of proscuitto, with some fruit and a croissant also.


Meds- taking the Dexamethasone (steroid) that Dr. M prescribed, which hypes me up but also is an anti-inflammatory I understand. The only other things he lets me take now are my nightly psyllium, magnesium, calcium, and D3. Oh, and two weeks ago he said okay to taking B-12 shots. And I can take an Ambien at night if I really need help sleeping.

The Boys Scouts motto of "Be Prepared" rings true today. I try to get all my ducks in a row so I can float as peacefully as possible the rest of the week.  Spend time paying all the bills, answering all emails. Visit my Dad and sort out his pills for the next three weeks, neaten up his apartment.

Got all my stuff ready to go to chemo. Put out my IPAD with headphones, a cooler for ice cubes and a popsicle, a light pashmina. Wrote down on post-it notes who was bringing meals when, and who was driving me where and when all week long. Downloaded 4 of Bernie Siegel's Healing Meditations onto my IPAD. Tore seven pages out of a book, which is a written meditation to read during chemo I found this week.  It specifically guides you to look at chemo as healing you.  Wrote an email out to all my loyal friends asking for prayers tomorrow, and for specific prayers.

This morning, I went through visualizing every part of me healing, and praying for this healing. Meditated on Psalm 23, thinking about every verse in detail. Reading "Jesus Calling" by Sarah Young as my daily devotional. 

A neighbor threw a cocktail party, with his visiting sons entertaining us with an Improv show. We went for one and a half hours, then I crashed. Wearing the wig. I napped in the afternoon for three hours, but there still comes a point in the evening when the brain and body start slowly shutting down. Can't process thoughts, start to get the clammy feeling you get when you are weak. It was great to be out and seeing neighbors though. I definitely wasn't this tired early in chemo. The effects are cumulative.

Day 1 of Chemo, Tuesday Sept 21
The Day of Chemo

Concept - Stay positive, be gentle on my body.

Exercise - Nothing intentional, just doing daily activities.


Food - Breakfast is 365 Frosted Mini Wheats - want something delicious and whole grains. Lunch is PF Changs' Gluten-Free Ginger chicken with well cooked broccoli and brown rice. Lots of tea and water. Lots. Probably asked for 6 refills. Took a to-go cup with me to chemo. Ate a mango popsicle when they started the Taxotere.  Dinner is sauteed chicken, spinach and pasta, croissant and salad with no dressing. And watermelon. Watermelon tastes really good. And I drink a Bio-K CL1285 in the evening.

Meds- Taking the Dexamethasone as directed. At chemo they spray my port with Pain Ease, then first give me in pre-meds in the IV - Benedryl, Dexamethasone, a drug for esophagus spasms (first time I got this, and I can't remember the name), and Aloxi for nausea, and of course the IV bag to clear out the port (which is in my right arm). Then after these ran through, I got the Taxotere and then after that, the Cytoxan. Taking 5 tsp of L-Glutamine throughout the day, to protect my nerve endings. Before bed, because my digestive system will stop processing today, I take a Colace and a Sennakot.

Today, for some reason, Mike and I are both awake at 3 AM. I am on this steroid that hypes you up. My mind is naturally thinking about  my 1:30 chemo appointment. I get out of bed, bake muffins, make some gazpacho for Thursday.

I go back to bed at 6 AM. I linger in bed as long as I want. Praying and meditating. Letting my mind wander. I read the day's devotional and then I think. I recite Psalm 23 and let my mind wander on each verse. I visualize healing. I am getting set up for the day, putting on the armor of God, preparing for healing to happen. Being in God's presence is the most important part of today's preparation. Just being with Him.

Went to the baseball office at 10 AM, went over some of the current events. At PF Changs at 11:15 with my nine friends. What a joy! I am pretty chatty, having trouble concentrating on the conversations as my mind is playing hopscotch. Main thing, I drink in the smiles and laughter. We talk about ear lobe lifts and nourishing soup and pole dancing for exercise and keeping the Sabbath holy.

Home to a surprise-a-rooni. S and S have placed fifty nine pink plastic flamingos alongside our driveway. CAN YOU BELIEVE IT! What a hoot! I jump out of the car and walk among them. I love it. Just love it! They look so kooky in our yard. Just perfect, I can't stop smiling! I have no idea of who did this!

Then to Dr. M with Mike, driving through the flamingos. They are running later than ever. I now know to tell the nurse to take my blood pressure with a wrist cuff on my left wrist, and to take blood for blood work from my right arm inner elbow, but don't use a tourniquet because I have a port near my elbow. I wear a short sleeved t-shirt so the port is easily accessible.

My blood work is all good. Red blood cells slightly low, just slightly. White blood cells and platelets normal. How wonderful that is!

I have four questions for Dr. M, and I write them down on the single sheet they have me fill out each time, a sheet which asks for any negative comments on each group of symptoms. When Dr. M comes in, he says How are you doing? I say, Happy to be here! He looks at my sheet, and we go over the issues. It was a good idea to write down my questions, they were answered.  Now I know he is a better visual than auditory processor.  These visits are less than five minutes each, he doesn't sit down. Looks at sheet of paper, answers questions, checks my heart, leaves.

1. Can we do anything about the nausea except Phenergan (which puts me to sleep)? He says, other anti-nausea drugs cause headaches, take the Phenergan and sleep.

2. Can we do anything about Thurs PM to Sat PM swollen glands, achy joints and muscles? He says that is how chemo makes you feel, take two Advil every four hours.

3. Can I do anything about my red blood count being low? He said it is fine, just barely low. Don't worry.

4. The symptoms of Inflammatory Breast Cancer showed up again after Chemo 4 then receded (swollen, red), even though the biopsy showed I don't have it. Do IBC symptoms come and go? Could biopsy be wrong? No, if it were IBC it wouldn't swell and redden then recede. If the swelling and redness lasts over 2 days, call him.

Okay then.

Into the waiting room, waiting for an IV lounger to open up. Quite crowded today. I get called back about 2:30, they start it up right away with the pre-meds. I keep my feet and hands out of the blanket, because that will give them slightly less chemo and I am trying to prevent CIPN (Chemically Induced Peripheral Neuropathy) which is tingling due to injury to the myelin of your hands's and feet's nerves. I drink water after water, and once the Taxotere and Cytoxan are going in, I suck on ice chips and cubes, again to reduce slightly the chemo to my mouth, which in turn reduces mouth sores and metallic taste in mouth.

I turn on my IPAD and put in my headphones. Listening to Handel's Water Music, first I pray. Lifting up Mike, Corey, Mack, Tray. Dad and Mac. Lifting up others. Then myself. It is such a compassionate, healing atmosphere in the chemo room, I think. It's the people that make it that way.

For the first time, I read a guided imagery written for chemo, about 30 minutes.  Fantastic. Guides me through relaxing all muscles, then the chemo drugs flowing through my body from top of head to tip of toes removing any cancer, then protecting my healthy cells, then thankfulness. Then I doze off. Awake and asleep, on and off until finished. Picturing my body being washed with clear, pure chemo-drugs water, picturing this water flowing and eddying everywhere, getting any and all errant cells out of there.

I'm out of there at 5:30, back home.  We reheat the delicious dinner waiting on the kitchen counter. We eat and then take a slow walk around the block with our basset hound Sporty. Relax and in bed by 9 PM. Watched a Seinfeld episode before bed. Still hyped up on the steroids, but tired from the events of the day. The train has left the station....

Day 2 of Chemo, Wednesday Sept 22
The First Day after Chemo

Concept - Stay positive and gentle on  my  body. The steroids make me feel jittery, my body has the chemo drugs in it so it is a little startled. I want to help my healthy cell's stay healthy and wash out the dying cancer cells. 

Exercise - 2 laps around the Millenia Mall, driven down there by a friend. I don't quite trust myself to drive, everything seems to be happening so fast around me. My mind is a little foggy and sluggish. I enjoy hearing my two friends talk, and I contribute some.


Food- Breakfast of 365 Cherios. Lunch is Thai Crunch Salad at California Pizza Kitchen and Iced Tea. Afternoon snack of Matzo crackers. Dinner is baked chicken and squash and berries. Drinking water all day, I would say I consume a gallon of water, with slight flavorings (Pom juice, Gatorade, lemon). And I drink a Bio-K CL1285 in the evening. Warm water and lemon or warm chamomile tea feel so soothing to drink.


Meds- L-glutamine 5 times today. And since my digestion system has stopped, I take a Colace and a Sennakot before bed.

Awake at 10AM, I stay upstairs in prayer and thought. Just heavenly.

Different than prior times, my cheeks are rosy all day long. I have asked for prayer protecting my bone marrow, and here it is. I am getting plenty of oxygen! The symptoms of IBC are there just like the days after the last two chemos, red and swollen left breast, but I know I don't have it.

I go to the Millenia Mall with B and L, walk two times around and then break for lunch. That is one mile. I am spacey, and it takes quite an effort of concentration to listen to the conversation. But I enjoy it. I am hyped up yet tired. My body alternates between wanting to fall asleep instantly and having my heart race and blood pulse so loud I hear it in my ears.

When back from the Mall, I lie down at 2 PM. I can't fall asleep, but am too tired to read or focus on a television show. I listen to the Peaceful Soundscapes, Channel 434, and let my mind drift. Repeat Psalm 23 and roll each verse over in my mind. My body is fighting a battle, I can tell. My heart rate zooms randomly. Exhausted yet hyper at the same time.

Not nauseous at dinner time, but not hungry. My eyes feel tired. The port is very tender and bruised.  At bedtime I can feel my joints and glands start to get sore. It feels great to lie down and fall asleep.  I want to help my lymph system drain, as my lymph nodes and everything was very tender and sore and achy last time, so I sleep on two pillows on my back, to let the lymph in my neck drain a little better. Woke up three times during the night, went right back to sleep.

Day 3 of Chemo, Thursday Sept 23

The Second Day after Chemo

Concept - Gentle on the body, keep water flushing through to help the kidneys and liver and lymph system all do their job. 

Exercise - None, I am exhausted.



Food- Breakfast of Greek Vanilla Yogurt and Granola and blueberries. Lunch is Gazpacho and almonds at home, and Iced Tea. Dinner is soup, slice of turkey and sweet potato. Drinking water all day, I would say I again consume a gallon of water, with slight flavorings (Pom juice, Gatorade, lemon - mainly lemon). And I drink a Bio-K CL1285 in the evening. Soups taste the best. I stay away from anything fatty, it has no appeal. My digestive system is still very sluggish, so no fats or anything difficult at all to digest. The warm water with lemon and chamomile tea are still favorites. Very soothing.


Meds- L-glutamine 5 times today. Neulasta shot (increase bone marrow's production of blood cells.)

Up at 10:30 AM to get Neulasta shot, getting a ride, and then back to the house directly to nap until lunch. I greedily lie on the little white sofa in the living room, under the quilted comforter, every chance I get. Seriously, I come in from the doctor's at 11 AM and fall right asleep.

Mike, Corey and B have lunch here, and I fall asleep after lunch. I put on one of Bernie Siegel's Healing Meditation tapes, and drifted. Very relaxing and positive, guided imagery of healing. Even though it's 90 outside, I feel cold.

Acupuncture at 2, driven by B. We do a minimum of points, not wanting to add stress to my body. Two for nausea, then liver, kidney, spleen, and lymph drainage. So peaceful lying there. I asked months ago when I started acupuncture, Could I listen to an IPOD while the needles did their work? What was I thinking. Forty five minutes of peace and prayer and focusing on my body healing. It goes by in a snap. Often I fall asleep.  I love it.

Back home at 3:30, and off to sleep again. My mouth starts to taste metal, my feet are starting to tingle. My calves and neck are starting to be sore and ache, glands tender. By dinner I eat very little and just want to lie down listening to Soundscapes soothing music, very soft. Loud voices or television shows grate me like fingernails on chalkboard. My cheeks were rosy!

There was a roach in my bathroom this evening, and it freaked me out. I can say I have never been this scared of a roach. For some reason it scared me. To the point of crying. Sat on the side of the bathtub, staring at the roach crawling across the bathroom counter and sobbed. I didn't want to touch it. I wanted someone, anyone but me, to get that thing out of there. In Florida, roaches are a part of life. We all have them. Normally I would be the one who gets the magazine and WHOMP kills it in one thump. I couldn't handle it tonight. Who would have guessed?

Day 4 of Chemo, Friday Sept 24

The Third Day after Chemo

Concept - Let my body repair. All the dead cells from chemo are flushing out, and my body knows it. The digestive system has had a chemical peel, the lymph glands are swollen because they are doing their job. My joints and muscles ache all over, they have been hit sideways by the chemo and need to repair. Everything is tender to the touch. So today is pamper the body, gently.

Exercise - None, I can't even think of exercise.
 

Food- Breakfast was a pear. Lunch was chicken broth, egg and lemon (Avgolemono Soup) and Iced Tea. Dinner is soup and a small bit of pasta w tomato sauce. Drinking water all day yet again. And a Bio-K CL1285 in the evening. Soups taste the best. Digestive system limping along, needing replenishment. 



Meds- L-glutamine 5 times today. I mix it with just a few teaspoons of water and drink it like a shot. It takes like chalk.  And 2 Advil every 4 hours or so.

Dragged myself out of bed at 11:45. It was an effort, but Mike and B were coming over for lunch. Every inch of me ached, even the front of my legs. The most intrusive was my neck - couldn't move it without the ache. And my larynx, which has been a source of ache for two years, is really really sore. This is floaties day, when I see squiggles and floaties when I look anywhere - which I read is little tiny bits of your inner eye vitreus breaking off. So I keep my eyes closed a lot today. Nausea present, so just don't eat much.

Napped on and off all afternoon, B stayed and kept me company while I napped.  Listened to my Soothing Soundscapes Music channel. My thighs twitched randomly all afternoon. Pretty massive twitches. J dropped off the most ethereal bouquet of roses. Since last chemo I got persistent leg cramps at night, I made to sure down an entire bottle of Gatorade during the day, diluting it with water. Chills on and off all day. No fever. Every inch of me aches.

I was so glad when bedtime came. I made it through FRIDAY!!!! Only with the love and kindness shown by my friends and family can I do this.

Day 5 of Chemo, Saturday Sept 25

The Fourth Day after Chemo

Concept - The worst was yesterday, behind me. Now it's feeling better and better each day. Listen to what my body wants. Be gentle.


Exercise - Walked around the block twice.
 

Food- Breakfast was a peach. Lunch was Cumin Meatball Rice Soup and Iced Tea. Dinner is Chicken and Cashews. Drinking water all day yet again. Drinking a Gatorade to prevent muscle cramps. And a Bio-K CL1285 in the evening. Soups taste the best. Digestive system limping along, needing replenishment. 



Meds- L-glutamine 5 times today.   And two Advil a few times during the day.

Up at 10 AM. Usually we have lunch with Dad today, but I couldn't make for a car ride (nausea.) He understood, putting our lunch off until tomorrow. All I did today was nap, interrupted by thirty minutes here and there of sitting up and chatting with Mike or noshing. L brought over Chicken for dinner, it was great to sit up and focus for a bit on conversation. A mouth sore has developed, but not so bad. Achy and sore glands less than yesterday. Metal mouth taste diminished but still there. The front of my lower legs burn, that's funny. My feet tingle. And my legs are wobbly, I feel like Gumby. But everything is feeling better than yesterday.

Day 6 of Chemo, Sunday Sept 26

The Fifth Day after Chemo

Concept - Feeling better every day, still being gentle though.


Exercise - Just everyday moving.
 

Food - Breakfast of rice/egg concoction.  Lunch was Tomato Soup and turkey breast (at Jason's Deli) and Iced Tea. Dinner is Shepherd's Pie (mashed potatoes, ground beef and peas), salad with no dressing, Strawberry Cloud (strawberries, egg whites and cream). Drinking water all day yet again.  Bio-K CL1285 in the evening. Want protein to help out body's repair and blood cell production. 


Meds- L-glutamine 3 times today.  

Up at 10 AM. Feeling nauseous, but able to go out in car to lunch with Dad. YEAH!

Larnyx is sore, glands and overall aches are less present. Slept all afternoon, then had visitors! B and C came over bearing frozen yogurt and strawberries, L brought a new recipe of soup (ever heard of a Soup Angel, that is her nickname in my book), then E and R visited bringing dinner. What a joy to sit in our living room, catching up with friends. You know, the best support group isn't a collection of people who share your same illness. I think the best support group is your family and friends, who love you and want the best for you, and shower you with kindnesses. The facts on what to do to heal can be found out by asking questions of doctors and of those who have walked through the illness you know. It is the kindnesses of family and friends that are the true support group. I slouch on the sofa, scarf on my head and quilt over my feet, listening to all the conversation and joining in. A great day!

Day 7 of Chemo, Monday Sept 27

The Sixth Day after Chemo

Concept - Over the hump, just rest and restore the body.


Exercise - On elliptical 10 minutes, then walking in the back yard.
 

Food - Breakfast is Raisin Bran.  Lunch of Udon Shitake Mushroom Soup and Iced Tea. Snack of Mushroom Soup. Dinner is Pasta with Bolognese Sauce, salad with no dressing, Strawberry Cloud (strawberries, egg whites and cream). Drinking water all day yet again.  Bio-K CL1285 in the evening.


Meds- L-glutamine 2 times today.  

Up at 10 AM. Had no energy to do anything wild and crazy, or to do anything at all. Watched two movies (Legend of Zorro and My Super Ex-Girlfriend) which I napped during, so I missed crucial parts. Pretty funny waking up and having to figure out what happened.

All week I will stay in, maybe do one thing each day out of the house. If my body wants to rest to restore, I will let it. Being tired is frustrating, and this is such a funny tired, one I haven't felt before. But in the scheme of things, nothing at all to complain about.

It is wonderful being on the other side of chemo, with only one more to go. I started researching radiation today, need to learn about it ... ever onward and upward....

Details of Chemo #4 - Love is present!

I am a strong willed person. The Friday after Chemo #4 at noon, it took all of my will to get up out of bed. This noon moment Friday was the worst physically I felt of all this adventure.

I am also a person constantly amazed and thankful at how joy can bubble up when you least expect it. The Friday after Chemo #4 after dinner, I could not stop a few tears of joy as I lay on the sofa listening to all four of my family in the kitchen cleaning up after dinner, for a full forty five minutes, laughing and talking and laughing. This after dinner moment Friday was the best moment for my spirit of all this adventure, one of the top ten moments of my whole life perhaps!

You know how you want to capture a moment, put it in a bottle so you can open it up in the future to savor it again? That was Friday night. The sound of laughter. Laughter is just the best thing ever. When you hear it, it is contagious. It comes in waves. Peals of laughter.

And each of them has a different laugh, I know their sounds so well. These were belly laughs, some put your head back and let it out laughs, stop what you are doing and turn and look and laugh.

I was exhausted from sitting up at the dining table for thirty minutes, so after we ate a delicious meal cooked by a dear friend, I shuffled to my sofa in the living room, got under my quilt and let my heart race on while my body just sank into stillness. Mack, Tray, Corey and Mike all were cleaning up. I could hear the tone of their voices in the kitchen. Couldn't make out any words, just the tone, like someone talking under water. I could hear the dishwasher opening, the sink being turned on to rinse, the refrigerator door opening, storage containers being taken out, plastic wrap drawer opening up. You know the sounds of your own kitchen, I could picture each of them in there. Someone eating one more spoonful of mashed potatoes, someone else tossing the plastic wrap box up in the air and catching it while talking.

One or two of them were talking at a time, then a slight hesitation, and one laughs first, then they all laugh. It quiets down, the conversation(s) start up again, and another wave of laughter. A follow up comment, and another wave of laughter. It went on and on. Not an efficient clean up operation, but that wasn't the point. It was a family, it was love. And I was just soaking it in.

How can you not just lie there thanking God that He has given you this family? I thought of how Mike and I met in a physics lab in college. Two nerdy kids. And how God had patience with us to bring us together (I'll tell that story later, for those of you who don't know). Then came Mack, then Corey. Two awesome sons. Mack brought us Tray. An awesome daughter. They are thoughtful, kind, with loving hearts and they act out their compassion. Look, they all came to dinner last night (Mack and Tray from Asheville) to wrap their arms around Mike and I and love us.

So, on the worst day came the best moment. Isn't God just so cool to do that? He knew I needed it right then. God provides. He provides even when we don't ask.

I will tell you, I am writing this Monday. I have been really too tired to sit and type until now. And I didn't realize the worst/ best moment connection until yesterday (Sunday.) I didn't realize it Friday night, I was just surviving. I didn't realize it Saturday, still surviving. And Sunday I was rebuilding. Sorting through the weekend. Mack and Tray left for home Sunday, I was still tired. As all things go, I was sad to have them leave, missed them and Corey and the upbeat atmosphere of having so many people who love us here in the house. That's human nature, to be missing them so intensely then. I burst into tears at one point to Mike Sunday night, why does this have to be so hard? A few minutes of tears and hugs, and then its so cool, God reaches down and picks us up and we are embraced by His loving arms. As in Psalm 23, He restores my soul.

What causes this joy, this happiness, this peace, this contentment?

It is the gift of presence. That's what I think. It is not just quality time, or saying the perfect words. It is not anything about being perfect. It is about the presence of love. The presence of God. The presence of those who love you. The presence of kind messages, thoughtful gifts, food, prayers.

It is the gift of presence of love.

We are not perfect, so our love will not be perfect. But you and I both know when love is evident. When love is being offered and given freely, with no thought to what is gotten back in return. Even though love is never perfect, it is the MOST WONDERFUL THING!!!

That's what I was feeling Friday night, the presence of love.


Mack and Tray decided to surprise Mike and drive down for a two night visit,from Asheville, with their bulldog Dwight Howard. I was in on this surprise, and tried my best to keep it a surprise. I think I did! They arrived at lunchtime Friday, walked into our house while Mike and I were sitting at the dining table. (Mike had come home from work to see me at lunchtime.) He was so surprised, he jumped up and hugged them and you know those times, you all keep repeating how you planned it and here they are and as parents, we just keep staring at them and smiling... these are our kids and look how they are adults and so darned mature and caring! I slept all afternoon, Corey joined us for dinner, and, well, you know the rest of Friday night's story...

Saturday was watching college football, me napping on and off. Some of Corey's friends were down from Atlanta, asked if they could just say hello. Isn't that amazingly wonderful? So I had another five minutes of hugs and encouragement. Taylor joined in, and I was able to nap on the sofa, hearing Mike, Mack, Corey, Tray and T all talk about all that football stuff.

Just being here. With my kids and husband.

Is this the joy God feels when we are with Him?

I have heard some people say they just don't know what to say or do, but they wish me well. No one knows for sure what the right word or action is. We are all guessing to a certain extent. Some guesses are more educated than others. The point is, show love in your words and actions. And the bigger point is, it is the LOVE that matters, not the words or the action. Sometimes it is just being there with someone that matters. Or leaving an encouraging message. God will guide you.

I have been so comforted by repeating Psalm 23 over and over and over. David doesn't fear evil in the valley because of what? for you are with me. Simply God being with him is enough.

Well, God is with each of us, every second of every day. His presence is right here. He never leaves us, neither slumbers nor sleeps, watches over us. He waits for us to turn to Him, He whispers to us, guides us.

We can feel the presence of His love, more perfect than that of my family laughing in the kitchen, every moment of our lives. We just need to listen for it.



Just have to show this photo. This is Howard, waiting at the bottom of the stairs for Tray or Mack to descend. He can sit like this for an hour waiting. That's how much he wants just to be with them.
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Details of Chemo #4 for those who want to know...

This was the hardest one on my body, and I have been actively thinking of how to make Chemo #5 easier on me. I have some ideas.

But yes you read that correctly! I will do two more. My blood counts are doing well. My White Blood Count are normal, my Red Blood Cells are slightly, tiny bit below normal. So Dr. M's advice was to do 6. Onward and upward we go!

I was floating on the laughter and prayers of friends Tuesday, having had lunch with 7 fantastic friends at PF Changs before chemo. I fell asleep during chemo for the first time, was so tired I couldn't keep my eyes opened and I started slurring my words while sitting there! Nurses are so kind. It makes sense to me to keep my feet and hands cold, to minimize nerve damage there similar to eating ice chips to minimize mouth sores. So I kept my feet and hands out of the blanket. Falling asleep, I didn't keep my mouth cold and I have had metal mouth, which is going away. It tastes like I am biting down on a bicycle handlebar, not that I would know what that feels like.... Delicious dinner with M and J enfolding us with love.

Wednesday I did my Millenia Mall walk with L, M and B. Great Thai Crunch Salad at CPK, and then home to nap. Thursday I had the Neuplasta shot and acupuncture in the afternoon, ferried by L. Feeling very tired in the afternoon. Friday I just couldn't get up. Every inch of my muscles ached, my lymph nodes were all tender and sore, headache, nausea present. I know this will pass, you just have to get through it. Right through it, through the middle. I drank lots of water with slight flavor (lemon, pomegranate, mango), did my L-glutamine powder, took an Epsom Salt bath for the muscle aches. Saturday was better, Saturday night I had the restless legs during the night, where your leg muscles just want to flex constantly. Only one night. Sunday I was even better, Mack and Tray provided a delicious dinner, and here we are on Monday, I've been sitting up for 2 hours, only slight aches, lymph nodes barely tender. Okie-dokie, we are going to get revved up for the next one! Corey is bringing dinner tonight, and we will watch Boise State versus Va Tech. A perfect evening!

For Chemo #5, I think I will not exercise as much on Thursday, just do gentle walking. And eat milder food Thursday night, so my digestive system is ready for Friday. I am downloading Anne Lamott's book Grace Eventually/ Thoughts on Faith so I can listen to that all day Friday (keeps me distracted and upbeat.)

Most importantly, I am asking God to relieve the side effects for Chemo #5, that my body will stay healthier while the chemo is attacking and whisking away any errant cancer cells left in my body. My prayers with yours, we have this one in the bag!

Thank you dear ones, your loyalty takes my breath away. MUCH LOVE, sara 

Email responses

Friends, I have pasted in here some email responses from you all. THANK YOU for each and every one of them, each word, each thought, each prayer. And the phone messages and cards. I love them all.

I want you all to know that I am not super-brave or extra-courageous or anything other than each of you are. It is God's strength, and all your kindnesses which are showing His love, that lift me up. literally!

My grace is enough; it's all you need.
My strength comes into its own in your weakness. 2 Cor 12

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I don't share my poem with people when they are first diagnosed, however I could tell from you are blog you will "get" it. I found peace in it after my cancers. May God's peace continue to keep you strong.

What Cancer Can Do For You

It changes your life.
Your priorities change.
You learn patience.
You appreciate what you had.
You learn to accept what you don’t have.
Your awareness level changes.
You admire those with strength.
You have compassion for the weak.
You’re thankful for the simple things.
Your time becomes precious.
You learn what is important.
You learn to depend on others.
You value loved ones and friendships.
You appreciate the beauty in nature.
You learn to trust in God.
It can be quite an awakening experience.
It can come and go at anytime.
You can choose how to live with it.

K- A Surviving Cancer Patient 2003
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Thank you for sending me the update on your treatment. God meets us wherever we are. I know for me, when I am on the mountain top I am overwhelmed by His presence. When I am in the wilderness. I am overwhelmed by His absence. One situation in utter awe, the other in pure dependence. There's much to learn either way.
I will keep you in my prayers.
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Getting to the last one? Happy days! It will be tough, but you are doing so well. Take care of yourself -- there is an end. I just visited w/a neighbor who said one of her greatest pleasures was shaving her legs again!
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All summer my prayers have included you and your family. I am so thrilled that you and your family have done so well!
Any way I know your family has been well cared for this summer...thanks be to God! Just wanted to let you know I love you.
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Prayers work miracles and I pray the Holy Spirit guides you and Mike! Love ya Lady! Hope you're feeling great very soon!
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we will certainly pray for more good news….. will be thinking of you, especially tomorrow.God bless,
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you are the strong trooper for sure ... I am so impressed with your positive attitude ... your strong beliefs will carry you through this ordeal .... (with just a little help from famil)
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I've got your back, as they say. You are in my prayers.
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Good morning! Sending you extra prayers and love today and in your next recovery days. Hang in there and continue to be as strong as ever! You can do this.
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Good morning Sara: You have been on all of our minds especially as today is another chemo treatment.

I know we wish we were right there along side you again today as you go to get this HOPEFULLY last treatment of chemo. Despite not being there in person, know that our clan are right there with you in spirit, love and prayers as you undergo your fourth chemo treatment. We are sending you all of the positive karma we can find and with Mike and God's help today, we are trusting you come through it all without incident.

May the words contained in Psalm 18:32-34 be the truth....... It is God who arms me with strength and makes my way perfect. He makes my feet like the feet of a deer; he enables me to stand on the heights. He trains my hands for battle; my arms can bend a bow of bronze.

God speed you brave, humble and wonderful servant of God.
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Hope all is well, sounds like everything is on God's schedule. Love you and praying for you.
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Oh dear one. Be healed and full of great life, health and happiness.
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I just wanted to wish you the very best and thank you for all you have done. Im sure this process has been tumultuous and grueling, however I believe you have handled it with the most grace and understanding possible. Your fortitude has really put everything into such perspective. God brings everyone into our lives for a reason and I believe he has shown me what true strength is through you. Although I did not or still not wish this to be the example... I really think you have been amazing through this entire process. I look forward to seeing you soon and will pray as you have asked.
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Your faith and attitude are keeping you strong and focused on the good health to come. The fatigue associated with this allows your body to heal and grow stronger. I know this first hand. Remember to give yourself permission to nap or sleep 10 hours- whatever it takes. If you listen, your body will tell you what you need.
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my soul is gently reminded of the why of our existence; love. Each and every nuance of how we experience love is to be treasured.
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May God continue to bless you with His strength for your perseverance and determination. You are much loved by all. Now is the time for you to enjoy and flourish in the help you both receive.
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May you rest peacefully in God's hands as you recuperate and the healing continues.
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You are like the parable of the mustard seed:

The kingdom of heaven is like to a grain of mustard seed, which a man took, and sowed in his field; Which indeed is the least of all seeds: but when it is grown, it is the greatest among herbs, and becometh a tree, so that the birds of the air come and lodge in the branches thereof. (Matthew 13:31-32)

Your strength can move mountains and it is upon this strength many come to rest.

May you continue to feel, albeit from afar, our prayers, smiles and hugs.
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It's the little things!!! Great blog Sara!! I think of you everyday and thank God that you are such an inspiration! God knows exactly what He is doing!! Stay true to your Faith no matter the road you must travel and know that He has great things in store for you when it is all over!

When I was at my worse - as strange as this may sound- I visualized the process a craftsman uses to make the perfect sword. It's such a brutal journey but the outcome is magnificent! I liked the sword analogy b/c I'm a guy; you may like the pearl or diamond analogy better!!! All tough processes to bring the world some valuable possessions! You are God's valuable possession and He's making you perfect!! Luv u and Mike!!!!
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So glad to hear you are doing better with each day. Laughter is the best medicine for your heart and soul. I came to after a surgery, couldn't talk yet, but I could hear laughter, my families, and friends. I could tell each persons, what a wonderful thing isn't it. to not only know the sounds of voices but to know their laughs! The nurse asked them to quiet down, and I remember just being able to move my hand to tell her "no". There is no question that God gives us things at just the right moment. Who would ever think to pray for laughter? and what a wonderful gift it is.
Keep on the healing girl! 2 more to go! awesome!!!

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Wow, what a blog, Sara ... So I had just given a biz presentation in when I got an email from my wife that our son had just scored two touchdowns in his first football game. Ecstatically, I jumped into the air. Shortly thereafter, I noticed soreness in my groin area. I must have pulled something in my jump. But no ~ later I discovered that in fact I was just wearing a pair of my sons boxers !!! Oops. Gotta love life.
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Still having a hard time seeing the computer because I keep wiping away the tears.
You are a wonderful woman,
Get healthy,

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so powerful to read your tale of love, laughter, courage and grace amidst one of life's hardest personal challenges. I'm uplifted to hear all the love pouring over your soul.
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You have been very brave and God will continue to use your experiences in a mighty way as time goes on. LIVE STRONG!!!
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You continue to be in my heart and mind and have been lifted up with each step of our newly created 7 circuit Cretan labyrinth.
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We are praying for you and your family! Our God is a great healer! You're in GOOD hands!

Ramping up for Chemo #4 - Attitude

I'm starting with a hat trick of quotes from 3 wise men: Bernie Siegel, Chuck Swindoll, and St. Paul. All on attitude.

When disappointments and setbacks occur, learn to view them as events that will redirect you to something good. Bernie Siegel

The only thing we can do is play the one string we have, and that is our attitude... I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% how I react to it. And so it is with you... we are in charge of our attitudes.  Chuck Swindoll

Philippians 2:5 Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus

It's the Monday before Chemo #4 on Tuesday.

This might be the last one, or there might be two more, that's the conversation we're having with Dr. M tomorrow. I want two more, because I want to make sure every single errant cell is zapped. But he was leaning towards only four because Chemo is hard on your body, and I will next go to radiation.

I am right between two protocols. Stage 2 Invasive Breast Cancer with no nodes involved was four Taxotere plus Cytoxan treatments, and with nodes involved was eight treatments. I had only one node involved. Just one. So we briefly talked about six treatments. I want to get all the cancer cells gone, no change for recurrence. I do think that whatever Dr. M decides (I will give it my all for six) will be the right decision. I've been praying that the Holy Spirit give him clear insight into what my body needs right now for full healing. So He will.

Fantastic weekend at the beach with Mike, Corey and T. We went to the same hotel as in May, which was the weekend before Chemo #1. They have great deals at beach hotels during the summer... We sat under the umbrellas with SPF 55 on, came out of the sun mid-day. I don't think I got a lick of tan, but that's the point.

Took our IPADS so we played Scrabble, and we have a new game (for us), Balderdash. Oh my goodness, laughing until tears are falling. I am surrounded by very creative, funny and loving people in this family.


I have to add these two photos. Mike and Corey in the first are doing the typical pose of two guys on the beach with a football.

In the second photo, they look as if this spheroid object just washed up on the beach and they are trying to figure out what it is? In reality, they were looking at the writing on the football, because these two orderly guys wanted to make sure the words were facing front and in full view when the photo was taken. I just love it!

At one point it hit us, compare who we are right now to who we were only three months ago sitting in the very same beach chairs.

First, I am now certain God has healed me completely, it is getting worked out through the chemo and radiation and my body's immune system is getting back into working order. Three months ago in my mind I was certain, and I was asking God to bring my emotions and believing up to one hundred percent. He has done that, I am peaceful and secure knowing Jesus is the healer.

Secondly, on the same topic, I had decided in May to trust God for His help during Chemo #1. Now it is so much easier to lean over into Him during Chemo #4, knowing that He has been there every second of the way for the first three chemos. I  FEEL certain He will be here this time too. I still have blips of thoughts - oh darn, how did these three weeks in between chemos fly so fast, have I done all I need to do to prepare.. But those are blips and I pick them up out of my thoughts and throw them up to Jesus, and bring back the thought- thank you for healing me, thank you for being right here with me, thank you for the peace that passes all understanding.

Thirdly, How thankful I am to all you who are helping, in ways that might seem small to you but they are HUGE MOUNTAINS of LOVE AND KINDNESS to me and to Mike. Every word, e-mail, phone message, meal, flower, prayer, mall walk, walk anywhere, devoting days to me, lunch, tea, hand sanitizer packets, air aromatherapy, car ride, soup, book, pashmina, movies, etc are beautiful times for me to see God's love in action. And I know this is tiring, as this has been going on since the end of April. But you guys are all so good to hang in there with me! It is as if each kindness is a flower, and all together they compose the most beautiful bouquet, or really a breath-taking field of wildflowers!

I can empathize with Henri Nouwen when he talks about his need for community. I need community. I do not want to exist separate from others. But yet, I want to look to Jesus for my affirmation of worth as a person. And believe me, He thinks you and I and all of us are just the apple of His eye. He loves each of us unconditionally, which is just mind-boggling. Because of this, when I'm with my community, I can hopefully be evidence of His love for others as well as sharing in some for myself.

This all gets me back to the verse He gave me in the parking lot before I got the first biopsy results - Be still and know that I am God, Psalm 46. I have never been as still as I have been these past four and a half months. Especially in acupuncture. You have to lie really really still for thirty minutes which I said I could NEVER do, but, well, never say never. It is the best time for prayer and contemplative prayer, just repeating over and over slowly with your breathing.  I started out with the verse from Psalms, but now I say the beginning of Psalm 23. You know, that is such a great Psalm.  No wonder it is the most asked for Psalm in hospitals.

And then fourthly, I know I am being redirected. I want it to stick. I want God to change me how He wants, redirect my path, and I want to stay on it.

I think there is no such thing as "I don't have enough time for that". We all spend our time where we want, and if something is important to you, you will put it as a priority and it will get done. It is my highest priority to stay focused on Jesus, to continue growing in my relationship with Him, to keep my face pointed towards God.

Maybe that's a key - keep growing. Just like any relationship, people change. God doesn't change, but I do. So my relationship with Him, just like my marriage and how I interact with my kids, must keep growing and flexing through the years to stay vibrant and alive and appropriate. My boys are twenty five and twenty nine, so I have a far different relationship with them as I did twenty years ago. Mike and I have been married thirty two years, now we are empty nesters, and helping each other heal. A far different relationship than ten years ago or twenty. And each time we flex and redirect, we grow closer.

With God, I would stagnate if I stayed exactly with Him like I am now. God doesn't want me to learn about Him and then put Him up on my library shelf, as if He were the concept of permutations and combinations, you learn about them, and then store that knowledge and rarely use it.  Only when someone asks you in daily conversation, How many ways could these seven Scrabble letters be combined? you could figure out the answer.

No, No, He is a living God, who is watching over me. He is my Shepherd, He restores my soul. He leads me to still waters, leads me down paths of righteousness for His name's sake. He has plans for Mike and I. And we want to do whatever He asks.

We have to listen.

Heal me oh Lord, that I might do your will to your glory, for the rest of my life.

Stepping out of Chemo Cloud #3

First of all, THANK YOU for your prayers for healing... they are working. PLEASE keep them going. Each of you is precious for remembering Mike and I. THANK YOU!!!!!

This photo is Mike overseeing S making Red Velvet Cake.  She cooked all weekend. We dined like Julia Child was staying with us.

You know the feeling of laying down in your bed when you have had an absolutely exhausting day, and it feels so good to be horizontal and quiet and no lights on. Your body is so tired and your mind has been racing and you are at the point where any noise is too loud?

I did nothing all day Friday, but it was exhausting. At the end of the day, it was all my energy to walk upstairs. When I laid down in bed, my eyes popped open and I thought - I need you Lord. Just that, over and over.

I need you Lord.

Not, I want you or I trust you or I love you or praise you and I will follow you (which are all good things to feel and say, mind you.)

I need you Lord.

Every ounce of me, every inch of me, every part of me - needs you Lord. I can't do this without you. I need you right here, right with me, and don't leave me. Ever.

Never do I want a second without you, without your face looking right into mine and telling me you love me and you are my GOD.

Now we all know that it is not GOD's face that turns away from ours, it is ours that turns away from His. How perfect I just read the Prodigal Son Story, because at that moment Friday evening, I remembered how the Father, the compassionate and patient Father runs out to the Prodigal Son and then also runs out to the Elder Son. He runs out to them! When I speak the words "I need you", God our Father runs with open arms towards me. Its like He's been there all the time, just waiting for me to say them, and He is always always so overjoyed to hear me that He throws a big feast.  Not what my stomach wanted at that point in time, but it was a symbolic big feast.

I said Friday night and I say now, I want to always remember how completely I need Him. ALWAYS.

One of my dear dear friends, one of those heart to heart friends, who journeyed through chemo years ago said she had never felt as alive as she did during her months of healing from breast cancer (surgery and chemo.) I have been tossing that around in my head, and now I know what she means.

You feel most alive when you have that straight line of vision to God. When you don't have the distraction of day to day details.  When you have been immersing yourself in reading the bible and praying more than ever.  When others are praying for you.  Most importantly than all this, when you realize that you need to hand over control of every teeny tiny part of tomorrow to Jesus. When you realize you trust Him enough to lean out over the cliff into His arms and you know He will catch you, cradle you, carry you forward and up higher than you have ever been.

When have we all felt like this before? How about when your child is taken to the emergency room having trouble breathing? How about when the doctor tells you to take your child to a specialist, soon. How about those first few days after your mother dies? How about when your husband is diagnosed with cancer?

I have had this realization before, but I want it to stick this time. God is surely stirring Mike and I up. He's got something in mind, some way to tweak our lives, and I want to cooperate. It might be a lesson to learn, character traits to change, or something having to do with others' lives (this might not be about us.) But God is so efficient, I am certain He will use this journey for good for us. I really think so.

So, I need God. I knew that. But I now am dedicated to living it. It will happen. This is one big reason to be thankful I had cancer. A HUGE reason. Love to see the reasons, what a gift!

So, to describe the cloud. It seemed like a cloud this time, and yes you are all saying ... Sara, a cloud in the Old Testament is where God met man... yes thank you' all for paying attention. Even before I made the connection, this one felt like a cloud. Chemo #2 felt like a racing brook, with hot sun, that eventually cooled down. This one felt like a cloud, fog descending on me, like PigPen in Peanuts with his dust cloud. This was a cold, low visibility non-symmetrical sphere of humidity.

And you might ask, do I still remember that I need God?

I do.

I am thinking about how to stay on this path. I need moments alone with God. Listening to Him, being still before Him. Prayer where I am not talking, but I am just with Him. Not building up busy days and nights, but setting a gentle rhythm.

What is most assuring is that I am POSITIVE that if I ever, like the Prodigal Son or the Elder, start that turn away from Him, from knowing that I need Him even more than how you need water when you are thirsty after being out in the hot Florida sun all day long at a baseball game, I know that if I turn slightly away, He will call after me. He loves me that much.

If I ignore Him, just slightly, because that's what happens, He is in control. He will call out. Things just get so busy, I think I can do this or that without His guidance  It isn't a bad thing, it just might not be what He wants.

I will ask Him to constantly cleanse me, search me and find what is not of Him. Keep me here in this vision line where I can see Him. It is the most beautiful sight, towards Him. Especially when compared to a cloud...
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I'm going to describe the details of each day this week of Chemo, so skip this if you don't want to hear them, which is PERFECTLY OKAY. I am doing this for my record, and for anyone going through chemo who might be interested.

Chemo Day 0 - Monday (the day before)

Great day. Walked the Millenia Mall with S and D, had my favorite lunch there, half a Thai Crunch Salad with no edamame, no cilantro dressing, peanut dressing on the side, and some avocado added. At least five refills of iced tea and a water to go. Aren't you glad you weren't the waiter? Went to acupuncture. I think acupuncture has played a huge part in healing. C who does it is an angel, she radiates light and caring, and physically knows how to help out my body - helping get my healthy parts healed and protected from chemo, working with oncologist.  Paid bills, checked on Dad's and Mike's Dad's lives. Grilled pork chops,veggies for dinner. Watched Seinfeld.

Chemo Day 1 - Tuesday

This was a magnificent day. Just magnificent. Starting with some elliptical machine exercise (listening to my IPAD), lunch with seven uplifting and dear dear friends. So much fun. S came down again last night from Charlotte and will be here until next Wednesday, what a GIFT!!!! The doctor's meeting was short, chemo delivery itself went smoothly (its a non-event to me.) The nurse didn't twist the port as much, so there is no bruising, and it didn't hurt at all this time. One blip, I had a place that looked like a potential problem on the opposite side of the surgery site, so Dr. M. suggested I return to surgeon to have her take a look. She will decide if I should have a biopsy, potential site of another cancer. Wow. I am not going to worry, just do it.  Nurses at chemo are just so kind! Still on Avelox for the sinus infection which is much much improved, almost nothing by now. Still doing sinus squirt bottle every night (with salt and eucalyptus oil). Dinner from M, delicious Cuban black beans and rice and pork. I am definitely from Dexamethasone steroid, but now we know it and also we know it will fade in a day.

Chemo Day 2 - Wednesday

This is the funny day. Your brain is buzzing, my heart is thumping, and I'm a foggy thinker. I misspelled a word I have spelled correctly for 40 years. S and I met M at the Millenia Mall and we mall walked two laps (Monday we did four.)  I had that delicious salad again. I am drinking gallons of water, five L-Glutamine doses per day. The digestive system has halted, and I am bloated and retaining fluids. I look pregnant. I eat watermelon when I get home, and have a delicious dinner thanks to A. This is the day you feel like you have partied for five days.  Your body is exhausted, but your heart and brain are hopping excited.

We started reading Your Healing is Within You, by Jim Glennon. This was so important to Mike seventeen years ago when he was diagnosed with CTCL. I read it then, and parts in the past months. We are reading it out loud.

Chemo Day 3 - Thursday

Slept again until 11, then to Dr. M for Neuplasta shot (revs up your bone marrow to make new blood cells starting Sunday, a GREAT thing.) Lunch with Mike, S and L, was delightful. I don't know that I contribute much to the conversation, but love hearing them talk. Then to Dr. R, the surgeon, to see what's going on. I have had a rash on my left breast for maybe 5 weeks, but didn't mention it Chemo #2 as we were talking so much about the sinus infection. So Dr. R says it isn't an infection (I'm on a strong antibiotic), she wants to biopsy it. (I want to jump ahead and tell you I don't think this is cancer, but that's coming later.)


At the moment I am truly stunned. She is a good surgeon, and takes lots of time talking with me. She wants to biopsy it as soon as possible, but wait until my blood counts are high enough so it heals. So, Aug 23rd (11 days from now) she will do a biopsy.  The results will be back the end of the week so Dr. M has them by Aug 31,  which is Chemo #4. She thinks it might look like Inflammatory Breast Cancer, but you only know by biopsy. And the treatment, Chemotherapy! It would be one I am getting and they would add another.

I think God only lets you feel the emotions you can handle at the moment; I wasn't really upset. S and I drove home, she concocted a delicious dinner, and we all talked. I ate the world's best Tuscan Vegetable Soup thanks to my Soup Angel who lives next door. I'm starting to feel like I have the flu, glands get tender and swollen. All par for the course.

We read Chapter 2 of Your Healing is Within You, about praying for healing, being certain God heals you, and accepting that healing. Went to sleep, uncertain how to take this news/ non-news.

Chemo Day 4 - Friday

Mike and I woke up at 4:30, you know those times, when you just need to talk. How precious they are, your hearts are breaking but the thoughts and words are from that deep inside place that we don't go very often. Then we prayed. We prayed for lots of things, but the one item that is important for this writing is we prayed and accepted healing for me. For whatever is found or not found, that it is healed. And I can tell you right now I have no doubt that God has healed whatever is going on in me that is not perfect health. It might take some time and chemo treatments and prayer to become evident, and I will be patient. But I know He has it all under control. This new development could be one of several things, Dr. R said, the funniest is "idiopathic rash" which is true medical vocabulary for "we are idiots, we don't know what is causing this rash." So I am done worrying about the rash. And I am grateful for the peace that passes understanding! I will still get the biopsy on Aug 23rd, but I know God has this under control. He has healed it.

I asked for a sign, while I was praying. Bold I thought, but Gideon did it. I felt heat. When I woke up a few hours later, the rash was minimal. Hard to see. YEAH! It darkens and lightens randomly. Not something to notice and tell the doctor now! Minimal. You can barely see some pink. Not the dark pink/red and swollen of the weeks in a row before. Its just barely pink.

Friday of Chemo has been the toughest, and so was this one. You just feel like you have the flu, except this time every single inch of my body ached. My forearm was tender when you touched it, my calves were tender when I walked, if you touched the top of my head it was tender. All my glands were tender. So you just lie down, nap on and off, listening to my Channel 434 spa music. You know you will feel better tomorrow, and nothing hurts (except when you touch it, ha!) Food isn't particularly appealing... it was a day of soup, baked potato, and banana. We watched Animal House, mindless, and I napped through half of it. I was exhausted when I fell into bed.

Chemo Day 5 - Saturday

Waking up, you know you are better. Had funny calf muscle spasms in the night. Maybe need potassium? Stepping out of bed, its a little surprising, but I didn't ache. YEAH! We all went to lunch with Dad at Jason's Deli. I find that place feels clean. Delicious French Onion Soup and iced tea. Napped all afternoon watching Watney have the round of his life at Whistling Straits. Dinner again by S (last night Julia Childs, Jr made pot roast, tonight grilled chicken and RED VELVET CAKE, how pampered are we?) To top off the evening, we watching the first few ever episodes of Seinfeld - they weren't quite as funny back then: Kramer had flat hair, Jerry wore red sweatpants, and George was more of the intelligent one. Anyway, I am back. And it feels so good!

Chemo Day 6 - Sunday

I wake up at 9:30 - which is at least an hour earlier than all week. Nothing hurts, glands a little tender still in neck. When I look, there are floaters in my field of vision, which are normal and so funny. No more antibiotic for sinus infection, I am healing left and right! Raisin Bran tasted really good for breakfast. We are off and running...

Chemo # 3

It's time for another jump into healing!

Thank you Lord for Docetaxol and Cyclophosphamide (the two chemo drugs) and how they will zip around my body today and kill all those new/fast growing cells..

Thank you for the Dexamethasone and Benedryl that prevent damage to the good parts of my body.

Thank you for the Avelox that is zapping my ex-sinus infection.

Thank you for the healing I have seen in my throat, and from surgery.

Thank you for the doctors and nurses and acupuncture, all the people and technology you provide for us.

Thank you for Mike and S right here, right now, with me.

Thank you for Corey, Mack, Tray and their loving hearts.

Thank you for all the community of friends you have surrounded me with. Their love and compassion (and food and conversations and e-mails and cards and prayers) are overwhelmingly fantabulous (that really should be a word, don't you think?)

Thank you for the community who is praying for me. I don't know all of them for I have been told I am on many prayer lists. But I know prayer works.

May all those who are supporting me, be blessed by you Lord. May they have an extra portion of your peace and joy today. They are faithful, they have believing hearts and trusting spirits. They are putting into action your words:

Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made know to God.
And the peace of God, which passes all comprehension, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4

This is our family of five in Miami back in January.

Yes, Mack is eating dinner out of a wooden duck, Mike's was served in an iron pig, Tray has lobster mac and cheese, Corey's is served in some sort of an upside down hat.

I had hair.

This was a really fun dinner, eccentric with creative and delicious food.

We will be back...



This is our family of five in Miami back in January. Yes, Mack is eating dinner out of a wooden duck, Mike's was served in an iron pig, Tray has lobster mac and cheese, Corey's is served in some sort of an upside down hat. I had hair. This was a really fun dinner, eccentric with creative and delicious food. Barton G. We will be back...

Tomorrow Chemo # 3

Tomorrow is CHEMO NUMBER THREE. Twenty-one days have flown by. Flown by. I am not as anxious as the day before the first two ones. I know what to expect more, and I am certain the sinus infection is under control. YEAH! I have another seven days on this second dose of Avelox.

God has come through fabulously the first two chemos. God provides every little, and big, thing we need. He works through all you, my friends. And the medical community. And even gives me humor and a napping partner in our dog, Sporty the basset hound, otherwise known as our Princess.

Had a wonderful visit with Dad Saturday. Just he and I for lunch and then back to his apartment to look at mail and set out his meds for the next two weeks. He told me that he didn’t want me to worry about him all week, just take care of myself and get healed. It was so sweet.

Then I walked out to my car, got in, turned it on, and tears came. I missed my Mom. She died December 22, 2001. They were tears of love. And I was so thankful these tears appeared. So thankful I have the capacity to love and be loved.

Speaking of love, Mike loves it when I cook. I cooked a lot yesterday; I won’t be cooking for awhile and I love to cook. Made Mike the Caramel Cake we discovered a few months ago. He’s allergic to corn, which means for the last thirty years I have not been able to cook with powdered sugar (its three percent cornstarch). BUT Whole Foods in their infinite wisdom has chosen to minimize cornstarch and high fructose corn syrup in their products (don’t get me started on HFCS.) Their 365 Powdered Sugar has tapioca starch to keep it from clumping. Fantabulous! Now I can make the icing we have all grown up to love - powdered sugar and butter and vanilla - as well as a host of other desserts with powdered sugar, this Caramel Cake being one.

It stormed all day long, so our basset hound Princess Sporty stayed in the kitchen pantry and shook from fear all day long. Nothing calms her down, we try to hold her, pet her, talk to her, and she still is so afraid of the thunder. Why is she afraid of it, I have no clue. Static electricity? Is it because of the unknown, what does she think it is? Well, she is a dog and I know that dogs’ and human’s minds function differently and I can’t figure this one out.

Why do we get afraid? When we don’t know what’s going to happen? When we picture the potential outcomes and one or more of them isn’t so good? When we don’t have control and we don’t trust who is in control?

I know my outcome is good, I know God is healing me, I know that there isn’t anything that will happen in Chemo #3 that He hasn’t already known about and has an answer for. So why be afraid? He has grown and is growing my trust. YEAH GOD!


I ask for your prayers:

for my healing to continue

for all caregivers (in particular Mike and Suzanne,coming again from Charlotte!)

for Mike’s back muscle to heal

for God to be glorified in all

P.S. I just had a phenomenal day - Mall walk and lunch with S and D. D is a cancer survivor of years and years. She said something that resonated- I was saying, Do you think this blog is too much. For me it is so cathartic. Such a release and I am amazed at the things God points out to me as I write. And I am getting some e-mails back that others are reacting to it. D said, you do exactly what you want to do to heal. This is my time to either be quiet and crawl inside, or emote and accept the friends who offer words and companionship. Everyone heals in their own way, not one is the wrong or right way. So do what I am led to do.

I am thrilled I read Prodigal Son. I thought of that for the forty five minutes I lay in acupuncture. The Prodigal Son, well he had issues of outward disobedience but he turned back to his Father (God.) The Elder Son, he had issues too, inward and judgmental and the Father went out to get him. I know the Father won't give up on him. That's what hit me. God will never, ever give up on me, if I tell him I am angry at Him, if I turn away from Him. He's just that forgiving. He loves me THAT MUCH. And with Him on my side, what have I to fear...

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Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice!
Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near.
Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.
And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus… Philippians 4