Out, Out Damned Port!

Sixteen days since the last radiation. Started anastrozole (generic Arimidex) fifteen days ago. Will be on this estrogen-sponging drug for five years.

How am I feeling? Physically I am achy and profoundly tired. I like the word profoundly, don't you. Makes whatever comes after it appear more serious and intellectual and true. And deep. Have to say it in a British accent.

So profoundly tired that, Monday when I was up and out for five hours middle of the day, I came home and was shivering under the quilt watching television that afternoon. Just couldn't get my body to stop. Every cell depleted of energy.

And the ache, it is so unexpected. Hands and hips and shoulders and elbows just ache. While moving and while not moving. Yoga helps, so does Advil. And exercise. This is one side effect of anastrozole. Dr. M says try it for four weeks, it might ameliorate. If not, there are other drugs I can try. Gotta step up the ladder of cost. We will figure this out. Can't take Advil this week because I am getting THE PORT OUT...

...and that is cause for celebration! This port in the inside of my upper arm has bugged me the whole eight months it has been in. I have been dreaming of when I can get it out. Getting it out is easy, in the surgeon's office. Just can't take any blood thinning pills such as Advil, Vitamin E, flax seed oil for a few days.  Can't wait!!!

This is the port (out of my arm...)

Also, the removal of this port in my arm marks the end of intense warfare. No more chemo. No more radiation. No more surgery requiring drains which make you feel like an octopus. Treatments are done and they have worked, Thank you Lord!  Hair is over half an inch long, no more wig. Eyebrows are coming in. Nails still really brittle, but they are there!

Have to say the tough part about now is, I have been battling breast cancer for nine months. And WE HAVE WON. But I am tired, and the newness is gone, and I think I should be feeling energetic and thrilled and all should be back to normal. But not yet. I need to be patient. I have been told, after chemo then radiation, it can take six to twelve months to be back to normal. Well, I am almost one month into that, five to eleven months to go.

Had a biopsy at the dermatologist yesterday for basal cell carcinoma on my shoulder. I have not an ounce of concern about this. If it is cancerous, they will just cut it out, no worries. How a year of breast cancer changes your perspective.

Perspective. Your point of reference.
Where you are standing.

Where are you standing?

What are you looking at?

These are two wonderful questions.

Ramping up for Chemo #4 - Attitude

I'm starting with a hat trick of quotes from 3 wise men: Bernie Siegel, Chuck Swindoll, and St. Paul. All on attitude.

When disappointments and setbacks occur, learn to view them as events that will redirect you to something good. Bernie Siegel

The only thing we can do is play the one string we have, and that is our attitude... I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% how I react to it. And so it is with you... we are in charge of our attitudes.  Chuck Swindoll

Philippians 2:5 Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus

It's the Monday before Chemo #4 on Tuesday.

This might be the last one, or there might be two more, that's the conversation we're having with Dr. M tomorrow. I want two more, because I want to make sure every single errant cell is zapped. But he was leaning towards only four because Chemo is hard on your body, and I will next go to radiation.

I am right between two protocols. Stage 2 Invasive Breast Cancer with no nodes involved was four Taxotere plus Cytoxan treatments, and with nodes involved was eight treatments. I had only one node involved. Just one. So we briefly talked about six treatments. I want to get all the cancer cells gone, no change for recurrence. I do think that whatever Dr. M decides (I will give it my all for six) will be the right decision. I've been praying that the Holy Spirit give him clear insight into what my body needs right now for full healing. So He will.

Fantastic weekend at the beach with Mike, Corey and T. We went to the same hotel as in May, which was the weekend before Chemo #1. They have great deals at beach hotels during the summer... We sat under the umbrellas with SPF 55 on, came out of the sun mid-day. I don't think I got a lick of tan, but that's the point.

Took our IPADS so we played Scrabble, and we have a new game (for us), Balderdash. Oh my goodness, laughing until tears are falling. I am surrounded by very creative, funny and loving people in this family.


I have to add these two photos. Mike and Corey in the first are doing the typical pose of two guys on the beach with a football.

In the second photo, they look as if this spheroid object just washed up on the beach and they are trying to figure out what it is? In reality, they were looking at the writing on the football, because these two orderly guys wanted to make sure the words were facing front and in full view when the photo was taken. I just love it!

At one point it hit us, compare who we are right now to who we were only three months ago sitting in the very same beach chairs.

First, I am now certain God has healed me completely, it is getting worked out through the chemo and radiation and my body's immune system is getting back into working order. Three months ago in my mind I was certain, and I was asking God to bring my emotions and believing up to one hundred percent. He has done that, I am peaceful and secure knowing Jesus is the healer.

Secondly, on the same topic, I had decided in May to trust God for His help during Chemo #1. Now it is so much easier to lean over into Him during Chemo #4, knowing that He has been there every second of the way for the first three chemos. I  FEEL certain He will be here this time too. I still have blips of thoughts - oh darn, how did these three weeks in between chemos fly so fast, have I done all I need to do to prepare.. But those are blips and I pick them up out of my thoughts and throw them up to Jesus, and bring back the thought- thank you for healing me, thank you for being right here with me, thank you for the peace that passes all understanding.

Thirdly, How thankful I am to all you who are helping, in ways that might seem small to you but they are HUGE MOUNTAINS of LOVE AND KINDNESS to me and to Mike. Every word, e-mail, phone message, meal, flower, prayer, mall walk, walk anywhere, devoting days to me, lunch, tea, hand sanitizer packets, air aromatherapy, car ride, soup, book, pashmina, movies, etc are beautiful times for me to see God's love in action. And I know this is tiring, as this has been going on since the end of April. But you guys are all so good to hang in there with me! It is as if each kindness is a flower, and all together they compose the most beautiful bouquet, or really a breath-taking field of wildflowers!

I can empathize with Henri Nouwen when he talks about his need for community. I need community. I do not want to exist separate from others. But yet, I want to look to Jesus for my affirmation of worth as a person. And believe me, He thinks you and I and all of us are just the apple of His eye. He loves each of us unconditionally, which is just mind-boggling. Because of this, when I'm with my community, I can hopefully be evidence of His love for others as well as sharing in some for myself.

This all gets me back to the verse He gave me in the parking lot before I got the first biopsy results - Be still and know that I am God, Psalm 46. I have never been as still as I have been these past four and a half months. Especially in acupuncture. You have to lie really really still for thirty minutes which I said I could NEVER do, but, well, never say never. It is the best time for prayer and contemplative prayer, just repeating over and over slowly with your breathing.  I started out with the verse from Psalms, but now I say the beginning of Psalm 23. You know, that is such a great Psalm.  No wonder it is the most asked for Psalm in hospitals.

And then fourthly, I know I am being redirected. I want it to stick. I want God to change me how He wants, redirect my path, and I want to stay on it.

I think there is no such thing as "I don't have enough time for that". We all spend our time where we want, and if something is important to you, you will put it as a priority and it will get done. It is my highest priority to stay focused on Jesus, to continue growing in my relationship with Him, to keep my face pointed towards God.

Maybe that's a key - keep growing. Just like any relationship, people change. God doesn't change, but I do. So my relationship with Him, just like my marriage and how I interact with my kids, must keep growing and flexing through the years to stay vibrant and alive and appropriate. My boys are twenty five and twenty nine, so I have a far different relationship with them as I did twenty years ago. Mike and I have been married thirty two years, now we are empty nesters, and helping each other heal. A far different relationship than ten years ago or twenty. And each time we flex and redirect, we grow closer.

With God, I would stagnate if I stayed exactly with Him like I am now. God doesn't want me to learn about Him and then put Him up on my library shelf, as if He were the concept of permutations and combinations, you learn about them, and then store that knowledge and rarely use it.  Only when someone asks you in daily conversation, How many ways could these seven Scrabble letters be combined? you could figure out the answer.

No, No, He is a living God, who is watching over me. He is my Shepherd, He restores my soul. He leads me to still waters, leads me down paths of righteousness for His name's sake. He has plans for Mike and I. And we want to do whatever He asks.

We have to listen.

Heal me oh Lord, that I might do your will to your glory, for the rest of my life.

Hallelujah!

Every time we remember to say "thank you",
we experience nothing less than heaven on earth.
-- Sarah Ban Breathnach

I answered the phone while driving this morning, it was the surgeon's office, where I had a biopsy this Monday. It was B the nurse. She asked me how I was doing today... A BILLION thoughts go through your mind in one second.  Is she trying to settle me down for bad news or is it good news so she is relaxed and taking her time? Did she say that with a smile or a tense grimace?

I respond, Every day is a beautiful day. She says, well this news will make today even more beautiful.. I scream out BRAVO and I am certain she is wincing and her ear drum has been burst, but she and I, we don't care. It is a diagnosis of mastitis, which is so not anything at all at this point in time. YEAH! Double YEAH!

I tell the family immediately. This is such fun news. Hallelujah Mike texts back. They all text back, aren't texts great!

Such a thin line between Hallelujah and Oh man.

It is time to ask myself, am I thankful I got cancer?

I know God didn't give it to me. It's a result of cells mutating, and my immune system not being strong enough at this moment to kill the mutated ones.

I know God is efficient and He is using this time in my life to catch my attention, draw me closer, stir me up, and change me forever for the better.

He's showing me how much He loves me, and healing me to better than I was before, in mind, body and spirit.

When I look at photos of times last year, before cancer ,I remember how light hearted I was. I still have moments of light heartedness. I also have moments of knowing God is RIGHT HERE.

Picture this - a black sphere, could be granite or marble. Solid black. Pretty boring to look at? Yes. You look at it for a second or two and move on. No depth, it doesn't tell very much of a story.

Now, if a crack forms in that rock and water with minerals, say silicon and some other minerals, seeps into the crack, quartz could form. And veins of other deposits.

Now the rock looks so much more interesting, more beautiful. The deep black contrasted with white quartz and some taupes and shades of brown from minerals in the crystals.

And that beauty never would have made its way into the black rock if there weren't a crack.

All the experiences we have, every day we live, every person we interact with, they make us who we are. The good and the bad, the joyful and the tearful.

So yes, I can say I am thankful I got cancer. It has added to my beautiful life.

Biopsy

Had another biopsy today.

I am positive it is nothing.

But I am really going to be happy to hear that news from the Dr. when she calls later this week to tell me the biopsy says it is nothing.

What does that say about my faith? Is it still strong?

I think of Reagan's quote, used so often by us moms raising teenagers - Trust, yet verify.

By mistake, D and S went to lunch with me today. We had planned on next Monday, and one of us thought it was this Monday, so when she e-mailed to confirm, we all were free today, so we went out today too.

Which was really convenient, really really convenient. Mike was to take me to the biopsy, and he had crisis at work, so I needed someone to take me at the last minute. You want someone to take you that you feel completely comfortable with. They inject lidocaine so it doesn't hurt when they do the biopsy, but the lidocaine injection hurts. And you just are a little shaky about the whole procedure. How could I have planned this better? THANK YOU GOD!

The Dr. looked at me, checked her notes and thought that the rash today was much smaller, much lighter in color, not as swollen at all, and if she hadn't seen me two weeks ago, she wouldn't do a biopsy on this today. But since she saw it two weeks ago quite red and swollen, quite a large red swollen rash (orange peel?) and to give us all peace of mind, she did one.

They are concerned about Inflammatory Breast Cancer. It doesn't show as a lump, it shows as swollen lymph vessels in the breast. Inflamed. Often misdiagnosed as mastitis (infection in the breast.) Very aggressive, grows as a sheet under the skin. Can't see it on mammograms. Only diagnosed by biopsy. So a biopsy we will do. 

God is good, all the time.

Day 5 - Exhausted

Yesterday, Friday, was just an exhausting day. I wanted it to be that way, activity all day long. And even if I hadn’t wanted it to be that way, it would have been. We got a solid offer on the renovated apartment in San Francisco of Mike’s Dad’s. (Remember, Mike is his guardian and executor and I call it ‘ruler of all.’) I threw myself into separating the one huge apartments into two apartments in back in November, and they just finished the renovation. Now one has sold!

Of course, the offer had to be decided upon within hours and faxed back right away, rushing around getting e-mails printed, Mike to sign, talking to the realtor, and then, the counter offer, and the second counter offer. They called us, the fax machine only sent eleven and a half pages back. Yes ma'am, we received everything except the half page you signed. You can’t think up these things, they are too bizarre to be true.

This is the process of simplifying our lives, that’s the positive way to look at it according to Mike. Selling his dad’s home and one apartment in the space of five days.

Book lunch was at L’s yesterday. So when do you tell people? There were nine of us, do you blurt it out as each arrives, stay quiet until the end, when? And how do you say it, because it isn’t a one minute conversation with people you care about. I waited. We discussed Solar by Ian McEwan. One thought brought out was the phrase “Perception is reality”, and most of the people there believed that there isn’t absolute truth but truth or reality is what you perceive. I don’t think so. I had cancer the week before I felt the lump. Just because I didn’t perceive this tumor, doesn’t mean it didn’t exist. But they would argue, it didn’t exist to YOU. I’m definitely more of the scientific mind.

So at one point I told everyone, I have news and I don’t know how to say it so I will just say it. I have breast cancer, which is caught so early. Of our fourteen women in Booklunch, four now have had breast cancer. WOW! J, B, and B. They were very supportive, encouraging. B said that so much good will happen during the healing process that you will feel kindness and compassion you never thought you would receive from others. She said she saw her husband in a whole different light, as he was so loving through her recovery.

Then one person said she was going to a dinner Monday night called “Loose the booby”, of a friend of hers who has Stage 0 of the cancer I have, and she is having a mastectomy because she just doesn’t want to worry about it ever again. Wow. It was wonderful to talk about success stories.

Then I went into the baseball office, gathered everyone around the conference table and told them the news. They are all so young, age thirty and under, that they have no idea how to react. They were so kind. I want to inspire them to care for other people. Savor every day. Don’t waste time stalled. And it isn’t the words you say, it is the caring attitude you have. They asked, What can WE do to help. I told them to ask me how I’m doing, don’t hesitate to ask, but that my life is so much more than whatever cancer thing I’m dealing with, so I will laugh and be interested in their teams and in life!

The radiologist said Thursday, at the end of our conversation, out of the blue, that I will be an inspiration to others now. Yes, she said that as I stood up to leave, she looked me straight in the eyes and said, You will be an inspiration to others. Don't feel much like one now, but I know in my mind that one day I will again laugh and chuckle and be peaceful. I know that. I just don't feel that.

Then home, and to dinner with J and B at Luma’s, our normal Friday night thing after Mike and B take a golf lesson. It was so comforting. Okay, everyone’s reaction to my news is different. She offered to take me to any appointment. Mike went with me to the biopsy, which was the right choice. But that is such a show of wanting to help. No one likes going to doctor's offices. It was a good dinner, I just crave being with people and talking.

Then this morning, thank goodness for L who got a tennis game together. I love getting the exercise, want to get exhausted every day so I fall in bed tired at night. Want to get in better shape. Want to boost up the immune system.

Of course, the offer had to be decided upon within hours and faxed back right away, rushing around getting emails printed, Mike to sign, talking to the realtor, and then, the counter offer, and the second counter offer. And the fax machine only sent 11 ½ of 12 pages back. Yes ma'am, we received everything except the half page you signed. You can’t think up these things, they are too bizarre to be true.

This is the process of simplifying our lives, that’s the positive way to look at it according to Mike. Selling his dad’s home and one apartment in the space of 5 days.

On that note, I stopped at Whole Foods after lunch, got some Greens Plus Super Food which is lots of greens in a capsule. And Chlorophyll and some Yogi Tea that’s for upset stomachs and also Aloe Vera. I need to get the Gastric Reflux under control. Am drinking lemon, honey and hot water 3 times a day. My voice is still hoarse and my throat is sore. This has been going on for years.

Organic meats and dairy, vegetables and fruit. Today was my first day without coffee. Its Day 4 of no estrogen, Day 1 of no coffee. No soda (which was maybe one time a week) and adding one yogurt every day. Pulling out all the stops. I probably should investigate more homeopathic things, and get an appointment with M (homeopathic practitioner both Mike and I went to when he first learned he had lymphoma 17 years ago.)

A peaceful evening with Mike, me cooking. Can I forget about all this for a few hours? Here’s hoping….

Joy does not simply happen to us. We have to choose joy and keep choosing it every day. — Henri Nouwen

How the whole thing started

How the whole thing started.

I was in the shower doing my monthly breast self exam, and came upon a little torpedo in the outside quadrant of the left breast.

You know how they say, You will know it when you feel it?

Well, you will.

I was told to do the self exams lying in bed with arm over head, and also in shower with arm over head. Good thing, as you couldn't feel this at all lying down.  When you lie down, its location becomes too buried in to feel.

Anyway, I felt it and knew. I just knew. Instead of calling that morning, I waited until the next day, a Wednesday, and felt it again in the shower. Yep, it is still there. Called my Ob-Gyn, told them I felt something, they could see me the next day.

Went in on Thursday, yes he felt it. Got the prescription for a diagnostic mammogram. Called the mammogram place, they had an opening the following Thursday. Well, as long as I had to wait a week, I thought I might as well get all my ducks in a row because I knew this was cancer and my life would be turned upside down. I scheduled the mammogram for Monday, eleven days out. That way I could go to Sun Valley and San Francisco next week, get things settled there, and be back for the mammogram.

I did that. To Sun Valley, working out schedules and routines for Mike's Dad, interviewing caregivers to add one to the rotation, meeting the realtor as we wanted to move him to a smaller home. And one night in San Francisco, doing the final walk through with the contractor who was at the end of renovating the apartments to sell. And meeting with the estate auction people and estate inventory people. A whirlwind of a week, but it all got done.

Monday the mammogram showed a spot. Yes, the plates that smash your breast into inhumanly thin pancakes really do their job. There was a torpedo, right there where I felt it.

They did the ultrasound right away, which is great. Love that there is always a doctor in attendance who reads your mammogram and can order the ultrasound right then. Ultrasound showed that I needed a biopsy.

Now, this was interesting. They do the biopsies right there. I asked if I could have it done today, or as soon as possible. You know what the hold up was? Aspirin, Flax seed oil and Vitamin E. Because I take those supplements, I would have to wait at least five days. That would be the next Monday. Oh man, you are kidding, right? Nope. I mean, we are talking breast cancer and you are worried about the fifth day of the blood is too thin requirement. Cancer versus a little too much bleeding. Hmmm.

After me asking the same question ten different ways (I am persistent), they told me if my Ob-Gyn gave approval, they could do the biopsy Friday (that's four days not five.) Well, off to the Ob-Gyn office I went. A stop in visit, why not? I guess they don't get too many of them, the receptionist was a bit surprised. But I could have cared less. He was off that Monday, so I left him a written message. He called Tuesday, gave approval for the biopsy one day earlier than recommended. Now all we needed was for insurance to approve it by Friday. They let me schedule the biopsy, they would try to get insurance to give approval by Friday. Friday morning they called, it was approved. In I went.

I had a Fine Needle Aspiration biopsy guided by Ultrasound. Easy enough. Fine needle seems pretty thin. She did one sample and then said she wanted to do a Core Needle Biopsy as that would tell them more information. I am not dumb, I was lying there knowing that meant she knew it was cancer and being a conscientious person, she wanted to get more of it. And of a second spot that looked suspicious. But you know, if she wanted to talk in this coded language, I was fine with it. As long as she was proceeding on.

I was numbed up, and the numbing part was definitely the worst of the pain. So I was pain free. Probably the worst was trying to keep really really still. You have someone sticking a fairly large needle into the side of your breast, referring to an ultrasound screen for guidance, you will be staying still as a deer in headlights. Because that is exactly how you feel.

Went home with  lifesaving little thing, a small, freezable compress to pop inside my bra that cooled down the incision site. I can't take pain pills, they give me instant nausea. So icing down the site is crucial. It also helps keep down the swelling. That evening, we marched forward with the neighborhood dinner party planned at our home, a good diversion from the day's events. And I kept popping the little compress into my bra, then into the freezer, etc. No one was the wiser but me.

Then you wait for the call....

Day 3 - The MRI

YES, it is stage 1.  The cancer cells physically spread out of the duct, but NO EVIDENCE of jumping (metastasizing) beyond the ONE TUMOR... YEAH!!!! I am so thrilled. Who ever thought I would be thrilled to hear I have cancer stage 1.  Boy your perspective changes depending on where you are standing in life (one of my e-mail quotes recently. )

What you see and hear depends a good deal on where you are standing; it also depends on what sort of person you are. -C. S. Lewis.

I had the MRI, and when finished I was waiting in the hall to confirm they had faxed the other reports to the surgeons office, when the radiologist walked by and asked how I was doing. I said I was anxious to hear the results of the MRI, didn't want to wait until next week??? She said, well if you have time she'll read them now and then let me see them. That takes presence on her part. TIME TO WAIT? What possibly could I need to do that is more important at this moment that hear if I have more than the one tumor in my breasts?

So after a few minutes, in we went, read them on the big computer screens. You can see the increased blood flow at the tumor spot, and none elsewhere of significance ... SO this is surgery and radiation, not chemotherapy!!!!! I saw the blue dots, maybe 8 of them, which is a little increased blood flow from the contrast dye they injected. Then you see the green and red, which was all at the tumor site. ALL.... and of course my heart was red and some green, but that's what you want - blood in the heart.... So she carefully explained and I repeated, this is what I am hearing you say - There is no evidence of this tumor spreading beyond the one site, and specifically there is no evidence of this tumor spreading into a lymph node. Which means most most most likely no chemotherapy, definitely radiation of some sort. I will need lumpectomy or mastectomy (not decided yet), need more test results (prognostic markers test which tells us if it is of three types - estrogen fed, progesterone fed, HER 2 normal) and discussion (family history of breast, ovarian, prostate cancer). That is all for next week.

Next step, next Wednesday ( pending insurance approval goes through by then) I go to the surgeon (Dr R), next Thursday the oncologist (Dr M )..... just waiting now. ... and starting to up the healthy diet. I had 8 fruits and veggies yesterday. There's nothing like a new convert.

I am great ninety-five percent of the time still, and five percent of the time I decompose. I think that's pretty good. Maybe I could schedule the five percent decomposing time while asleep?

Being supported by family and friends... thank you.

I heard from two women who had breast cancer, met them serendipitously (P and J), that they were stage 0 same kind but they caught it earlier. I am thrilled for them and their success, but I have to tell you,  it makes me feel envious and frustrated that I didn't catch this earlier. It doesn't make me feel better I can tell you that.

I am off estrogen as of Tuesday, and haven't taken progesterone either. They will tell me next week if this cancer is fueled by estrogen. If it is, then no more ever. If not, well, I decide then. How do I feel off it? I feel a little more emotional, but hey, look what I'm going through! I slept like a baby last night. That might have been the Ambien, just started that Tuesday night. There is no way I could sleep right now without medication, and a good night's sleep is so important. For the first time in my life, I am taking sleeping pills. You do what you have to.

Quick life recap - Mike's mother died seven months ago, Mike is the executor of a very tangled estate left by his mom, and the overseer of his Dad's care (advanced Alzheimer's disease) who lives in his home in  Idaho. We are in Florida. Mike is currently in treatment for lymphoma. Because of this recurrence, he asked his five siblings if someone else would oversee the round the clock caregivers we just hired out in Idaho. Not one would, which was truly a surprise. Someone needs to be responsible for him.  Two months ago was our older son's wedding, which was a time of non-stop abundant and extreme joy, and exhausting to plan. And Mike is at the point of finishing two projects at work he's been developing for years.

It is just not a good time to get breast cancer.
So when would be?
Right, this is the time.

Oh, you will appreciate this. Mike's fathers' Idaho house sold Monday so we have to find him something else and move him by August 1. This is actually an answer to prayer, as he  is starting to stumble and his house is 2 stories with diagonal stairs and we need to simplify his life.  The goal is to simplify his life, simplify our lives. Is there a choice right now? Could you say, well yes he is stumbling and but let us not move him out for another year? No, life will get simpler. It isn't simple yet. There's the prayer, simpler...

I am extremely lifted up by talking with friends.
Had to call S and Mack and Tray and had to see Mike and Corey right after the MRI results.
Then had to tell L and B and D, and S and J. And R and S.

I am noticing flowers and how beautiful they are.  Got flowers from R and E. Beautiful flowers - purple irises and yellow tulips.

Got a fantastic poetry book from S. Read the first one before sleep last night- life does change and for happiness to arrive, you must have some rough spot first.

Beauty and joy in the most unexpected places.

Life is good.

Day 2 - Put one foot in front of the other

Day 2 - Put one foot in front of the other

Mike sent this to me today in an e-mail. I love it, from Philippians.

6 Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.
7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Played tennis with seven women in a round robin. Told them all afterward what I was going through. Some diminished it as so easy to treat which I know was them trying to give me strength, others hugged me and looked like they were going to cry which I know was their sadness and empathy. I truly appreciated the ones who mimicked my tone, kept it light and positive, while acknowledging it would be tough. That was compassion.

The moments are still ninety-five percent positive, and  then five percent of the time those fear horses race out of the stalls. I pull them in hard and fast. Bolt the stable door shut. Turn my back to the door and walk away.

Went online today and bought some inspirational books, by C. S. Lewis, Henri Nouwen, Tony Campolo.

Got a new phone, that diverted my attention for 4 hours, figuring it out. I don't want to sit still and wait. I know that was the verse that God sent to me, BE STILL and KNOW THAT I AM GOD... but it wasn't BE STILL AND WAIT FOR IT ALL TO HAPPEN... was it? There's a difference.  Yes, I know I am bargaining with God. Humorous isn't it?

I want to keep moving forward. I made the appointment with the oncologist for eight days from today... they need the MRI written report before they see me, and they even needed a fax of my biopsy report before they would schedule the appointment. Wow, this is quite a business. Would anyone really lie about a biopsy finding of cancer?