Chemo #5 - How and Why

Today is Chemo #5. I don't feel as anxious as numbers 1 through 4. YEAH!

That being said, Mike and I were both awake at 4:30 AM, stretching our backs, talking about Psalm 23, just talking. So I decided to bake blueberry-mango-walnut muffins (as I won't want to smell cooking for at least a week), and he decided to go out for his pretty much daily walk around the lake. Three and a quarter miles.

Totally off the subject - There are about eighty street lights on this walk around the lake, and seventeen went out as he approached them this morning. Does this ever happen to you? It ALWAYS does to Mike. We walk Sporty around the block, pass fifteen streetlights around our block, and three to five will go out every time. Out for just a few minutes, then back on. Ideas?

Back on track...

Dear dear friends, could you pray:

1. That all the renegade cancer cells in my body be killed and swept out by the chemo drugs today, and by my white blood cells

2. For protection for my healthy body from chemo's side effects, particularly my bone marrow and nervous system and heart.

3. That Mike be comforted and guided by God's presence in his life. (he has a lot on his plate, including me.)

Thank you for your steadfastness in prayer for us. I wrote in an earlier blog, this is the twenty mile mark of a marathon. It is definitely tiresome. But it is not me who needs to be strong, I just need to know where my strength comes from... PHEW!

I am just breathless from all of your kindnesses! Two mall walkings with L and B, then PF Changs lunch with D and S, I think they have lunched with me on the Monday before all 5 chemos... isn't that cool?

Today I have PF Changs lunch with some more loyal friends, and then chemo #5... Wednesday B is in charge of me, taking me to mall walk then CPK lunch is the plan. Thursday Corey and B and Mike take over, then Friday I think I will just stay put. What a wonderful week... Oh did I mention soup and dinners delivered all week? I am a PRINCESS, that's what I feel like!

How and Why.

I have forever been fascinated with the HOW of things, not quite as much the WHY. Oh I would like to know the WHY, but I do know that there are some WHY's I just won't know here on earth. I'll be darned if I let that worry me. But the HOW, that's another story. Wanting to know the HOW is what fueled my lifelong fascination with science. Don't you just look around and wonder - HOW did that get that way, HOW was it made, HOW do I get to my goal, HOW did that happen?

How did I get Invasive Ductal Carcinoma Stage 2?

How, I have some thoughts. And this in no way is laying blame on anyone, including not on me or God.  And I am not a doctor. Just my thoughts.

It is a thought in the Cancer World that some event happened about two years before a cancer is large enough to diagnose. That event is traumatic for you, and you need to process it for healing to take place thoroughly, probably forgiveness is involved. Yep, two years ago I can pinpoint two events where I needed to forgive myself and others. Unforgiveness and stress put so much pressure on your soul that your immune system isn't functioning at top speed.  It isn't able to kill the random mutant cells we all have a handful of in our bodies at any given time. Most most most of the time our immune system pretty easily zaps them. Not when you are under heavy stress, or carrying baggage.

I went to Fr. D at our old church, asked him to help me pray for forgiveness. He did. I have not asked for someone to pray with me often. I know each of us has a line straight to God's ear and we don't need others to pray. But sometimes there is an issue so weighty or confusing that I know I will benefit from someone who has been down this road before, helping me out. Ministers really do care about each of us.  They aren't just the guys (or gals) leading the Sunday services. The other six days of the week they care about us too.

Also, we ( me and a series of doctors) have been trying to figure out for two years why I had all of a sudden growths on my thyroid glands. Well, I started out at a doctor that specialized in woman's hormones, she put me on thyroid medicine for the first time, and also on a very high level of estrogen, progesterone, and some other hormones. 

When she did blood work, she wanted my estrogen and progesterone to be above the normal levels, which I questioned. She was adamant, that the normal levels cited on the lab sheet were too low. So she put me on much higher doses of estrogen and progesterone etc. Said that would improve all my hormone levels (including thyroid). This was new to me. Looking at my family history, heart disease has been an issue. No one has had breast cancer. So she wanted to protect my heart more than worry about breast cancer.

It was compounded estrogen and progesterone, which I now know meant there wasn't good quality control in the actual amounts I was getting. I tell you, my breasts were sore and tender for weeks. This concerned me, so I asked her. She said it was the normal reaction. After six months I switched to another doctor, I had been sore and tender for too long and I wasn't comfortable with the hormones overall.

The Invasive Ductal Carcinoma I had was determined to be both estrogen and progesterone fed. I'm not a doctor but it seems pretty clear to me that the  large doses of hormones encouraged a little cancer spot that  my body might have removed on its own, to break out of the milk duct walls and spread to the surrounding tissue, and then to the lymph node. We all have a few cancer cells in us, our body's immune system zaps them.

So there I was, needing to forgive, stressed out, and pumped up with hormones. I have forgiven, and am enjoying time of quiet when I ask the Lord to search me and find all else that needs dealing with. Why didn't I deal with those issues right away? Instead I put them in a box, up on a shelf for processing in a future date. I was too busy. (NEVER DO I WANT TO SAY THOSE WORDS AGAIN AS AN EXCUSE FOR ANYTHING.) That is our normal reaction, too busy to deal with the soul issues thoroughly.

I have said the before, and I bet I will say this again. Why do we spend so little time each day tending to the one part of us that is going to last for eternity, our souls? Today's success orientated society looks askance at people who just think, who take time to relax, who aren't on the fast track, who can look at the ocean for hours on end. Meditation. Prayer? That's time getting to know God. Talking to Him. And we squeeze it in early morning and late evening.

Mike and I are slowly redirecting to reduce stress. Don't need to jump, just slowly.. It's a process.

I am off the hormones as of when I had the biopsy. Love the hot flashes (they remind me I am not feeding cancer anymore!!!)

With all that being said, I also think there is an element of, It just happened. Somethings good, or bad, just happen because that is the way the universe is rolling. I don't want to place blame on me or anyone for any cancer. It is far far far more important what you do after you are diagnosed, I feel.

Why did I get Invasive Ductal Carcinoma Stage 2?

I absolutely know that God didn't give me this cancer. He doesn't do things like that. He is good, all the time.

I absolutely know that He is using this time to redirect me towards Him. To calm me down, get the busy out of my life so I can listen to Him and learn.  Learn who I am to be, what I am to do, what parts of me that need to change. And also, just rest. Restore. Relax. Renew. Redirect. Re-devote. Re-evaluate. Recognize. Refresh. All the re's...

The WHY isn't finished being answered.  You see some good outcomes in the Monday Morning quarterback mode. Inside and afterward, you can see so much positive coming out of this. 

I might sound wacky, but my body does has such intelligence. It knows what it needs, if I listen. Perhaps my eyes and thoughts needed to be turned inside for my long term good. I wasn't doing that on my own. Survival is a powerful force.

I want to figure out how to get all the positive, without the cancer next time! That's my assignment, how to live in God's presence every day, all day long. How to listen to His voice, and let Him restore my soul, every day. He wants to, I know that.

The 23rd Psalm is awesome. More on that in a later blog. The part that is germane to this entry is that at first God talks about restoring ME (verses 1 -3a), then after my soul is restored, He will guide me down those paths of righteousness for His name's sake. Yep, got to get right with God before you can go out and do His work. Sometimes getting right with God is walking through the valley of the shadow of death. It's worth it.

So this is redirecting me for whatever He wants. I knew from the beginning that God is stirring Mike and I up, and well, let's see what happens!

Everyone who has and is showering Mike and I with kindness, you all have had sadness and difficulty. You know, you get it. Thank you so much for making our days full of light and laughter and all things good, through this sometimes rocky adventure... THANK YOU!!!!

Do not believe that he who seeks to comfort you lives untroubled among the simple and quiet words that sometimes do you good. His life has much difficulty... Were it otherwise he would never have been able to find those words.     Rainer Maria Rilke

Day 39 - the diagnosis

I can’t believe it has been thirty-nine days. On one hand, feels like only a few. On the other hand, those days before knowing I have cancer seem so far in the past that they were lived by a different person. Who was she?

I had a lumpectomy, and every doctor was certain certain certain there would be no nodes involved but they wanted to do the sentinel node biopsy anyway just to make sure. The sentinel node had a cancer spot, so they took out ten more nodes. Right away I am told, Do not ever let anyone take your blood pressure on the left arm, Do not ever let anyone take blood from the left arm, Do not ever let anyone put an IV in your left arm. Why? Lymphedema, which is swelling. Don't want it. okay...

The lump i HAD was small (0.9 CM) but mighty (invasive, moderately differentiated, grade 2 tumor). So I am in Stage IIA of Invasive Ductal Cell Carcinoma by all accounts.

Now, why was every doctor certain it hadn't spread? Were they being kind to me so I wouldn't worry ahead of time? I am okay with that. They still did what they needed to do to see. I'm okay with not flooding me with fear.

As for Prognostic Markers, I am E and P positive, HER normal, so I will go on hormone depleting drug after all the treatments. I will have four to six sessions of chemotherapy three weeks apart to zap any cancer cells that broke off and started a new country. And then six to seven weeks of radiation to zap anything the surgery didn’t get or that was starting in the breasts.

It seems to me like a lot of women with Stage 0 or 1 get double mastectomies. The surgeon and oncologist both agreed one hundred percent that a lumpectomy was the way to go.  I questioned them both several times. They were sure, sure sure.  But then, that was when they were certain it hadn’t spread to a lymph node. See how doubt can creep in there…. The five year cure rate has gone from ninety-eight percent to eighty-seven percent.. still good odds. I see me in the eighty-seven percent, I really do.

I know I am to be learning lessons. Or maybe just building character. I have to make sense of all this. There just has to be a reason, or at least some benefit. Because I know the next months will be tough. Give me a reason.  Some thoughts:

1. I will increase my self esteem. I am a high ego, low self worth person. Maybe that will bump up. I have a large amount of confidence in my abilities. But I see myself as not being that important, not that lovable. I just do.

2. So many people are sending me cards, calling me, doing kind things. They are so compassionate that I have breast cancer. Well, every single person in the world has something breaking their hearts right this very second. And some of us people have huge battles we face internally or externally, but you just can't put a cute tag on them. We need to be compassionate and loving with everyone. Everyone needs to know they are precious.

3. I am not superwoman, the superwoman cape is now hung up and I am NOT taking it back down.

4. My husband is an angel. He is great at keeping the atmosphere light and never making me feel like I am a burden even when he has to clean out the surgery drain junk or redo my dressing or not have any food in the refrigerator because I haven’t shopped for two weeks.

5. Life goes on without me. The baseball league goes on without my micro managing. And the house seems to be chugging along with out me running the show.

6. I can let things be NOT PERFECT and it is okay. One of my favorite quotes was by Christie Brinkley- life doesn’t have to be perfect to be perfect. That’s true.

7. Some people are so sad I have breast cancer, that I end up telling THEM it will be all right.

8. Its okay to not answer the telephone whenever it rings, if you are napping.

9. Don’t complain, don’t think you have it bad. I complained two months ago - why does this or that have to be so difficult. Well, I would love to be back there two months ago with THOSE problems..

I tried to start planning how I would get together with all my friends, weekly meetings and we will laugh and talk, etc. NO NO NO… I will get the support I need, when I need it. I just need to let it happen. I don’t need to plan everything. God will provide.

Who is there to support Mike? I remember so well how really really tough it was to be the caregiver at some moments when Mike first was diagnosed with lymphoma sixteen years ago… everyone taking care of all his needs, and I was exhausted, scared I wasn't doing enough for him, trying to keep life semi-normal for our two kids … I don’t want him to ever get that way. I want him to feel his cup is filled up and overflowing with kindness and love and support from friends. He just finished his last phototherapy for Cutaneous T-cell Lymphoma last week. So we are healing together.

I planned to write every day in this journal. Well, I’m six for thirty nine? See, I'm learning that Life doesn't have to be perfect to be perfect. Thank you Jesus!

They days just pass by. I have been throwing myself into getting everything settled in the house, with Mike's Dad and my Dad.  Want to free up time for me to focus on me this summer. Who knows how I will be feeling?

Mike and I are watching one episode of Seinfeld every night right before bed. Laughter is the best medicine. I am finding the episodes very calming. Distracting for twenty five minutes, and so funny.

The surgery, there were some angels. B who came to the hospital right after and went out and found just the sleeping garments I needed, because no one told me I would be sleeping in different stuff than normal! And J who came up the day of surgery and ate lunch with Mike and Corey. And J who joined in at the hospital and at lunch. A Godsend, as the surgery was supposed to be an hour and it was two and a half hours…

I’m pouring in the anti oxidants, fruit and veggies and supplements. Exercising every day. I will be in the best shape ever before the first chemo starts… Well, the best shape for me that is...