Over the past nine months I have written on my IPAD notebook lessons I learned at that given moment. Here they are, in order of being written...
1. Every one has some part of their heart that is fragile, not just people with cancer. Everyone is fighting some battle. Be encouraging to everyone.
2. The saying isn't 'God never gives you more than you can handle.'
It is 'God can handle anything you have.' and He always wins.
3. Choose joy.
4. Do not let the fear horses out of the stable.
5. Jesus will provide for all your needs, even the ones You don't realize you have.
6. It is okay to take care yourself.
7. I need a community.
Figure out a way, your way, to stay close to Jesus. To stay connected to God. When Mom died, M said I glowed. And I felt amazingly peaceful. B said she never felt more alive than when she was going through chemo. Jesus is right here, He is as real as a rock. He is as solid as the chair i am sitting on. So are the prayers of friends. He is abiding in me. I don't want this part to change! This is why some people go to mass every day, to stay connected. I know prayer and bible reading time gets shoved smaller and becomes non existent when I am healthy. I don't want that to happen ever again. God will show me the way.
Remember to thank Jesus for his healing every day, from my toes on up, healing by the blood of the lamb who was slain for me. Healing by the Grace of God.
Don't shy away from people offering you gifts, kind words, opening up to you.
Never refuse a cup of hot tea, especially if it is peppermint.
Heal me God that I might do your will, to your glory, for the rest of my life. From Fr Jim Holbeck sermon online.
Each day, even during chemo and radiation, will be a beautiful day!
Trust God will tell me every step of the way.
I need Jesus.
Busy isn't the goal. If you don't want to be too busy, you won't be. It is your choice. You have a choice.
God will be there in my future. Don't fear it.
Don't let that sun set on your anger. Forgive. Forgive completely, without reservations.
Apologize. As far as is possible, be at peace with everyone. Love them. Pray for them.
Meditate every day.
Choose who you spend your time with. Choose carefully, for you will become like them.
Hang up the superwoman cape. I can't do everything.
Choose to do good. If you know something is wrong, just DON"T DO IT. Don't be tempted, don't rationalize. If you dance too close to the fire, you will get burned at some point. Believe me, doing the right thing and loving unconditionally is far more wild and crazy and fun than choosing the shadows.
Search for people, places, things and events to nourish your soul. It's the only part of you that is eternal.
Take the time to love yourself, so that then, from the overflow, you can spill out love on others.
Live with integrity. What is integrity? Keep your promises. Speak truth. Admit mistakes right away.
Live transparently.
Seek a relationship with God with your whole heart. Being in a community of Christians makes it a lot easier. We are meant to live in community.
Religion is man-made. When you hear something religious, just make sure it holds up under the light of "God is Love."
You have time to do everything that is important to you. Once in awhile, do a self-check and see where you spend most your time, what is important to you.
People who love generously will always feel loved, at some point.
Don't repeatedly tell God your same problems or worries. Tell them to him once or a few times, then live trusting and thanking Him for his answer, even before you see it.
Do not be afraid of darkness. In it you will find your light, and your light will be clearer than ever.
I am one grain of sand on the beach.
Being still is the most exciting part of my day.
Keep your focus on God. All day long.
Sent from my iPad
Showing posts with label prayer. Show all posts
Showing posts with label prayer. Show all posts
Thursday, December 23, 2010
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
1/3 Done - Thanksgiving
It's Tuesday before Thanksgiving. Everyone is getting ready for the BIG DAY. The newspapers and radio and television are talking about Thanksgiving. Retail stores are promoting Christmas already, skipping right over Thanksgiving, but that's another story and I understand why they do that. Doesn't mean I have to like it.
By all the media, I am reminded to give thanks in all situations, which is such a good message I need to hear over and over. How cool is that!
Right now I feel tired and achy, like I am getting the flu but I'm not. My muscles or tendons are all just exhausted. Doctors tell me I will feel tired through January. I'm ready to feel good now! I overdid it a week ago. I have been recovering all week. The radiation area is sunburned, and stinging. As it is swollen, it is a bit uncomfortable getting dressed. Nothing hurts badly, just uncomfortable.
In reading over this, I sound discouraged. Do I want some cheese with my WHINE? Tempted to erase this entry, but want to be honest. This is tough in a different way than chemo or surgery. It's two marathons, right in a row. I'm ready to do things. I have things that are my responsibility (thinking my dad, Mac, household stuff), there are things I need to do, and things that are fun to do...
I want to remember this when others are going through a tough time, needing love. When my mother died I was lifted up solidly for a week with visits and notes and flowers from everyone. Which was great. Truly great, showered with kindnesses. It was my dear friends who kept touching base with me after a month or two. I have tried to remember that grieving takes time, to be attuned to my friends over the long haul. I'm not always good with that...
Those friends and family who are steadfast, well, they remind me of an anonymous saying :
A friend is someone who knows the song in your heart
and can sing it back to you when you have forgotten the words.
We are going to my aunt and uncle's home in Vero Beach for Thanksgiving. She is my mother's sister. That might be part of my sadness this morning, I miss my mother at random times (she died in 2009.) My aunt reminds me of Mom. Holidays are extreme emotions, missing loved ones that aren't with you, enjoying loved ones that are. Mix in with those emotions the fact that the loved ones who are still with you might drive you crazy, and you have a holiday!
Doesn't the world look a little grayer when you are exhausted?
Neat that I got a gift at my front door this morning, oh boy is it neat. It is nine little wood cut angels from a street market in Prague. Christmas Tree ornaments, each playing a musical instrument. Growing up, we had a "band" of elves as ornaments. I loved them, can remember rearranging them on the tree. You wanted to have them all together, as if they were really playing Christmas carols.We have lost all of them, they were played with by Mack and Corey too. Now I have a band of angels for our tree. YEAH! Thank you D.... Thinking of me in Prague, Bethlehem, Venice, Murano...
Double neat that Mack and Tray are driving to Tray's grandparents for Thanksgiving, and taking my mother's (passed down from HER mother) Chestnut and Sausage Stuffing. It is the BEST.
Today's radiation treatment was two hours long. Because of the swelling, my tattoos have moved relative to each other so they had to take more x-rays and the radiologist had to recalibrate.
There's discussion in the news right now that the new x-rays at airport security have too much radiation and were too revealing of the person's body. HA, there's not much modesty involved in radiation treatments. And there is certainly lots of radiation.
The people that work there are so upbeat, so sensitive to treating you as a person. They made the two hours of up/ down/ in/ out/ back/ forth so much easier. The hallways are painted like Florida county landscapes.
So, my prayer requests for today:
1. Thank you Lord for healing me so graciously through the months
2. I ask for patience
3. May your wisdom and your hands guide the radiation technicians
4. Please heal my sunburn, and direct me to see if there is anything I can do to help
5. May my words and attitudes over Thanksgiving weekend show love
=========================
Here's from a friend's email...
For each new morning with its light,
For rest and shelter of the night,
For health and food, for love and friends,
For everything Thy goodness sends. (R.W. Emerson)
By all the media, I am reminded to give thanks in all situations, which is such a good message I need to hear over and over. How cool is that!
Right now I feel tired and achy, like I am getting the flu but I'm not. My muscles or tendons are all just exhausted. Doctors tell me I will feel tired through January. I'm ready to feel good now! I overdid it a week ago. I have been recovering all week. The radiation area is sunburned, and stinging. As it is swollen, it is a bit uncomfortable getting dressed. Nothing hurts badly, just uncomfortable.
In reading over this, I sound discouraged. Do I want some cheese with my WHINE? Tempted to erase this entry, but want to be honest. This is tough in a different way than chemo or surgery. It's two marathons, right in a row. I'm ready to do things. I have things that are my responsibility (thinking my dad, Mac, household stuff), there are things I need to do, and things that are fun to do...
I want to remember this when others are going through a tough time, needing love. When my mother died I was lifted up solidly for a week with visits and notes and flowers from everyone. Which was great. Truly great, showered with kindnesses. It was my dear friends who kept touching base with me after a month or two. I have tried to remember that grieving takes time, to be attuned to my friends over the long haul. I'm not always good with that...
Those friends and family who are steadfast, well, they remind me of an anonymous saying :
A friend is someone who knows the song in your heart
and can sing it back to you when you have forgotten the words.
We are going to my aunt and uncle's home in Vero Beach for Thanksgiving. She is my mother's sister. That might be part of my sadness this morning, I miss my mother at random times (she died in 2009.) My aunt reminds me of Mom. Holidays are extreme emotions, missing loved ones that aren't with you, enjoying loved ones that are. Mix in with those emotions the fact that the loved ones who are still with you might drive you crazy, and you have a holiday!
Doesn't the world look a little grayer when you are exhausted?
Neat that I got a gift at my front door this morning, oh boy is it neat. It is nine little wood cut angels from a street market in Prague. Christmas Tree ornaments, each playing a musical instrument. Growing up, we had a "band" of elves as ornaments. I loved them, can remember rearranging them on the tree. You wanted to have them all together, as if they were really playing Christmas carols.We have lost all of them, they were played with by Mack and Corey too. Now I have a band of angels for our tree. YEAH! Thank you D.... Thinking of me in Prague, Bethlehem, Venice, Murano... Double neat that Mack and Tray are driving to Tray's grandparents for Thanksgiving, and taking my mother's (passed down from HER mother) Chestnut and Sausage Stuffing. It is the BEST.
Today's radiation treatment was two hours long. Because of the swelling, my tattoos have moved relative to each other so they had to take more x-rays and the radiologist had to recalibrate.
 | ||||
The people that work there are so upbeat, so sensitive to treating you as a person. They made the two hours of up/ down/ in/ out/ back/ forth so much easier. The hallways are painted like Florida county landscapes.
So, my prayer requests for today:
1. Thank you Lord for healing me so graciously through the months
2. I ask for patience
3. May your wisdom and your hands guide the radiation technicians
4. Please heal my sunburn, and direct me to see if there is anything I can do to help
5. May my words and attitudes over Thanksgiving weekend show love
=========================
Here's from a friend's email...
For each new morning with its light,
For rest and shelter of the night,
For health and food, for love and friends,
For everything Thy goodness sends. (R.W. Emerson)
Thursday, October 7, 2010
We have a plan
This has been an unsettling two days. Change is sometimes unsettling.
Getting the decision definite from Dr. M. was such an answer to prayer. I just didn't hear the decision I wanted to hear.
My brain knows I need to do one more chemo on Oct 19th. My heart is accepting this. Your words and e-mails have helped me.
One friend said I must have had a willing spirit inside me to NOT try to talk the doctor out of Chemo #6. As you all know, I can be persistent when I have my mind set on something. And if I don't agree with something, it is really really hard to keep my mouth shut and go along.
Had a lovely walk with Corey, lunch with Dad and Corey. Then took the first antibiotic, Levaquin, for the breast infection. Small potatoes. Getting smaller (HA!)
We have a plan.
We have a path.
We are walking down it.
God is my guide.
Peace at last.
Prayer works.
Getting the decision definite from Dr. M. was such an answer to prayer. I just didn't hear the decision I wanted to hear.
My brain knows I need to do one more chemo on Oct 19th. My heart is accepting this. Your words and e-mails have helped me.
One friend said I must have had a willing spirit inside me to NOT try to talk the doctor out of Chemo #6. As you all know, I can be persistent when I have my mind set on something. And if I don't agree with something, it is really really hard to keep my mouth shut and go along.
Had a lovely walk with Corey, lunch with Dad and Corey. Then took the first antibiotic, Levaquin, for the breast infection. Small potatoes. Getting smaller (HA!)
We have a plan.
We have a path.
We are walking down it.
God is my guide.
Peace at last.
Prayer works.
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
Please pray
Dear all,
Tomorrow morning I meet with Dr. M to decide if I do the sixth chemo or stop at five (which was two weeks ago.) You talk about a choice of yes or no which potentially has long term consequences...
The thought to stop now is that there has been more lingering nerve damage than before. Tingling still in hands and feet, and a sensation of burning down front of left leg that is slowly dissipating. A feeling of tapping on the left heel. And what is called "floppy feet" the first week, when you walk on stairs the feet don't balance correctly. They flop. These show the chemo is working well, and the concern is the damage to my bone marrow, heart and liver might be to the point where we should stop.
The thought to continue on with the sixth chemo is that we want to make sure we have zapped all the cancer that might be anywhere. I think we have.
So, please pray for discernment for Dr. M and me, that the decision made will be the one that leads down God's path of healing.
THANK YOU!
Tomorrow morning I meet with Dr. M to decide if I do the sixth chemo or stop at five (which was two weeks ago.) You talk about a choice of yes or no which potentially has long term consequences...
The thought to stop now is that there has been more lingering nerve damage than before. Tingling still in hands and feet, and a sensation of burning down front of left leg that is slowly dissipating. A feeling of tapping on the left heel. And what is called "floppy feet" the first week, when you walk on stairs the feet don't balance correctly. They flop. These show the chemo is working well, and the concern is the damage to my bone marrow, heart and liver might be to the point where we should stop.
The thought to continue on with the sixth chemo is that we want to make sure we have zapped all the cancer that might be anywhere. I think we have.
So, please pray for discernment for Dr. M and me, that the decision made will be the one that leads down God's path of healing.
THANK YOU!
Monday, September 27, 2010
Details of Chemo #5
I am out the other side of Chemo #5, and want to record the details. My hope is this will help someone else who is going through Chemo.
This blog was started for several reasons: a safe place for words to flow as a catharsis for me, a record of this time of cancer treatment for me to see my growth and lessons learned, an aid to anyone going through healing, and a way to reflect Glory to God of His work in my life right now.
I want you all to realize, I am no better or worse than anyone of you at walking through illness. Sometimes I listen to the still small voice speaking to my soul, and sometimes I ignore it. Each of us has the spirit to heal, and each of us has the presence of God available every second.
I, like each of you, are given the gift of life for today. I want my life today to be like clay in the potter's hand, reworked to reflect the creator's glory. It is God who has all the answers, has all the power, and knows what to do. I am just like you, trying. I fall, I get up. I fall, I get up. I look to Him. I need Him.
Each of you have had and will have amazing events in your life, some visible to all and some only known by you (and God). Sometimes you will see your impact on others' lives right away, sometimes you will never know how others are affected by your words or actions. Sometimes the whole event is about you, and sometimes it is totally about someone else. Isn't that cool?
It is God's power that heals, it is God's love that is shown through all of you.
I am just trying to cooperate.
So, what follows are the humdrum details of this week. Please don't feel you need to read them if they hold no interest.
------------
Day 0 of Chemo, Monday Sept 20
The Getting Ready Day
Concept - Today is prepping for tomorrow. Keeping peaceful and positive while organizing for another attack on any cancer cells left. Want to have my body is as good a shape as possible, so the healthy cells stay healthy.
Exercise - 4 laps around the Millenia Mall, which is two miles (I emailed their office to ask). I want to get some blood moving but not true exercise. Studies have now come out that say you should avoid mind and body stress for two days prior to chemo, as the stress causes your body to produce a protein that protects cancer cells from chemo. Yes, you heard it here. Of course, thinking about getting chemo is stressful in itself, but we all do what we can. At least I can minimize physically stressing out.
Food- Breakfast of Big Wood River Granola, Greek Vanilla Yogurt and some blueberries, Green Tea. Have been having this for eons it seems. Lunch of the Chicken Chop Salad at PF Changs (with friends!) Dinner is sauted artichoke hearts, garlic and onions served over Celegini mozzarella cheese balls and 2 oz of proscuitto, with some fruit and a croissant also.
Meds- taking the Dexamethasone (steroid) that Dr. M prescribed, which hypes me up but also is an anti-inflammatory I understand. The only other things he lets me take now are my nightly psyllium, magnesium, calcium, and D3. Oh, and two weeks ago he said okay to taking B-12 shots. And I can take an Ambien at night if I really need help sleeping.
The Boys Scouts motto of "Be Prepared" rings true today. I try to get all my ducks in a row so I can float as peacefully as possible the rest of the week. Spend time paying all the bills, answering all emails. Visit my Dad and sort out his pills for the next three weeks, neaten up his apartment.
Got all my stuff ready to go to chemo. Put out my IPAD with headphones, a cooler for ice cubes and a popsicle, a light pashmina. Wrote down on post-it notes who was bringing meals when, and who was driving me where and when all week long. Downloaded 4 of Bernie Siegel's Healing Meditations onto my IPAD. Tore seven pages out of a book, which is a written meditation to read during chemo I found this week. It specifically guides you to look at chemo as healing you. Wrote an email out to all my loyal friends asking for prayers tomorrow, and for specific prayers.
This morning, I went through visualizing every part of me healing, and praying for this healing. Meditated on Psalm 23, thinking about every verse in detail. Reading "Jesus Calling" by Sarah Young as my daily devotional.
A neighbor threw a cocktail party, with his visiting sons entertaining us with an Improv show. We went for one and a half hours, then I crashed. Wearing the wig. I napped in the afternoon for three hours, but there still comes a point in the evening when the brain and body start slowly shutting down. Can't process thoughts, start to get the clammy feeling you get when you are weak. It was great to be out and seeing neighbors though. I definitely wasn't this tired early in chemo. The effects are cumulative.
Day 1 of Chemo, Tuesday Sept 21
The Day of Chemo
Concept - Stay positive, be gentle on my body.
Exercise - Nothing intentional, just doing daily activities.
Food - Breakfast is 365 Frosted Mini Wheats - want something delicious and whole grains. Lunch is PF Changs' Gluten-Free Ginger chicken with well cooked broccoli and brown rice. Lots of tea and water. Lots. Probably asked for 6 refills. Took a to-go cup with me to chemo. Ate a mango popsicle when they started the Taxotere. Dinner is sauteed chicken, spinach and pasta, croissant and salad with no dressing. And watermelon. Watermelon tastes really good. And I drink a Bio-K CL1285 in the evening.
Meds- Taking the Dexamethasone as directed. At chemo they spray my port with Pain Ease, then first give me in pre-meds in the IV - Benedryl, Dexamethasone, a drug for esophagus spasms (first time I got this, and I can't remember the name), and Aloxi for nausea, and of course the IV bag to clear out the port (which is in my right arm). Then after these ran through, I got the Taxotere and then after that, the Cytoxan. Taking 5 tsp of L-Glutamine throughout the day, to protect my nerve endings. Before bed, because my digestive system will stop processing today, I take a Colace and a Sennakot.
Today, for some reason, Mike and I are both awake at 3 AM. I am on this steroid that hypes you up. My mind is naturally thinking about my 1:30 chemo appointment. I get out of bed, bake muffins, make some gazpacho for Thursday.
I go back to bed at 6 AM. I linger in bed as long as I want. Praying and meditating. Letting my mind wander. I read the day's devotional and then I think. I recite Psalm 23 and let my mind wander on each verse. I visualize healing. I am getting set up for the day, putting on the armor of God, preparing for healing to happen. Being in God's presence is the most important part of today's preparation. Just being with Him.
Went to the baseball office at 10 AM, went over some of the current events. At PF Changs at 11:15 with my nine friends. What a joy! I am pretty chatty, having trouble concentrating on the conversations as my mind is playing hopscotch. Main thing, I drink in the smiles and laughter. We talk about ear lobe lifts and nourishing soup and pole dancing for exercise and keeping the Sabbath holy.
Home to a surprise-a-rooni. S and S have placed fifty nine pink plastic flamingos alongside our driveway. CAN YOU BELIEVE IT! What a hoot! I jump out of the car and walk among them. I love it. Just love it! They look so kooky in our yard. Just perfect, I can't stop smiling! I have no idea of who did this!
Then to Dr. M with Mike, driving through the flamingos. They are running later than ever. I now know to tell the nurse to take my blood pressure with a wrist cuff on my left wrist, and to take blood for blood work from my right arm inner elbow, but don't use a tourniquet because I have a port near my elbow. I wear a short sleeved t-shirt so the port is easily accessible.
My blood work is all good. Red blood cells slightly low, just slightly. White blood cells and platelets normal. How wonderful that is!
I have four questions for Dr. M, and I write them down on the single sheet they have me fill out each time, a sheet which asks for any negative comments on each group of symptoms. When Dr. M comes in, he says How are you doing? I say, Happy to be here! He looks at my sheet, and we go over the issues. It was a good idea to write down my questions, they were answered. Now I know he is a better visual than auditory processor. These visits are less than five minutes each, he doesn't sit down. Looks at sheet of paper, answers questions, checks my heart, leaves.
1. Can we do anything about the nausea except Phenergan (which puts me to sleep)? He says, other anti-nausea drugs cause headaches, take the Phenergan and sleep.
2. Can we do anything about Thurs PM to Sat PM swollen glands, achy joints and muscles? He says that is how chemo makes you feel, take two Advil every four hours.
3. Can I do anything about my red blood count being low? He said it is fine, just barely low. Don't worry.
4. The symptoms of Inflammatory Breast Cancer showed up again after Chemo 4 then receded (swollen, red), even though the biopsy showed I don't have it. Do IBC symptoms come and go? Could biopsy be wrong? No, if it were IBC it wouldn't swell and redden then recede. If the swelling and redness lasts over 2 days, call him.
Okay then.
Into the waiting room, waiting for an IV lounger to open up. Quite crowded today. I get called back about 2:30, they start it up right away with the pre-meds. I keep my feet and hands out of the blanket, because that will give them slightly less chemo and I am trying to prevent CIPN (Chemically Induced Peripheral Neuropathy) which is tingling due to injury to the myelin of your hands's and feet's nerves. I drink water after water, and once the Taxotere and Cytoxan are going in, I suck on ice chips and cubes, again to reduce slightly the chemo to my mouth, which in turn reduces mouth sores and metallic taste in mouth.
I turn on my IPAD and put in my headphones. Listening to Handel's Water Music, first I pray. Lifting up Mike, Corey, Mack, Tray. Dad and Mac. Lifting up others. Then myself. It is such a compassionate, healing atmosphere in the chemo room, I think. It's the people that make it that way.
For the first time, I read a guided imagery written for chemo, about 30 minutes. Fantastic. Guides me through relaxing all muscles, then the chemo drugs flowing through my body from top of head to tip of toes removing any cancer, then protecting my healthy cells, then thankfulness. Then I doze off. Awake and asleep, on and off until finished. Picturing my body being washed with clear, pure chemo-drugs water, picturing this water flowing and eddying everywhere, getting any and all errant cells out of there.
I'm out of there at 5:30, back home. We reheat the delicious dinner waiting on the kitchen counter. We eat and then take a slow walk around the block with our basset hound Sporty. Relax and in bed by 9 PM. Watched a Seinfeld episode before bed. Still hyped up on the steroids, but tired from the events of the day. The train has left the station....
Day 2 of Chemo, Wednesday Sept 22
The First Day after Chemo
Concept - Stay positive and gentle on my body. The steroids make me feel jittery, my body has the chemo drugs in it so it is a little startled. I want to help my healthy cell's stay healthy and wash out the dying cancer cells.
Exercise - 2 laps around the Millenia Mall, driven down there by a friend. I don't quite trust myself to drive, everything seems to be happening so fast around me. My mind is a little foggy and sluggish. I enjoy hearing my two friends talk, and I contribute some.
Food- Breakfast of 365 Cherios. Lunch is Thai Crunch Salad at California Pizza Kitchen and Iced Tea. Afternoon snack of Matzo crackers. Dinner is baked chicken and squash and berries. Drinking water all day, I would say I consume a gallon of water, with slight flavorings (Pom juice, Gatorade, lemon). And I drink a Bio-K CL1285 in the evening. Warm water and lemon or warm chamomile tea feel so soothing to drink.
Meds- L-glutamine 5 times today. And since my digestion system has stopped, I take a Colace and a Sennakot before bed.
Awake at 10AM, I stay upstairs in prayer and thought. Just heavenly.
Different than prior times, my cheeks are rosy all day long. I have asked for prayer protecting my bone marrow, and here it is. I am getting plenty of oxygen! The symptoms of IBC are there just like the days after the last two chemos, red and swollen left breast, but I know I don't have it.
I go to the Millenia Mall with B and L, walk two times around and then break for lunch. That is one mile. I am spacey, and it takes quite an effort of concentration to listen to the conversation. But I enjoy it. I am hyped up yet tired. My body alternates between wanting to fall asleep instantly and having my heart race and blood pulse so loud I hear it in my ears.
When back from the Mall, I lie down at 2 PM. I can't fall asleep, but am too tired to read or focus on a television show. I listen to the Peaceful Soundscapes, Channel 434, and let my mind drift. Repeat Psalm 23 and roll each verse over in my mind. My body is fighting a battle, I can tell. My heart rate zooms randomly. Exhausted yet hyper at the same time.
Not nauseous at dinner time, but not hungry. My eyes feel tired. The port is very tender and bruised. At bedtime I can feel my joints and glands start to get sore. It feels great to lie down and fall asleep. I want to help my lymph system drain, as my lymph nodes and everything was very tender and sore and achy last time, so I sleep on two pillows on my back, to let the lymph in my neck drain a little better. Woke up three times during the night, went right back to sleep.
Day 3 of Chemo, Thursday Sept 23
The Second Day after Chemo
Concept - Gentle on the body, keep water flushing through to help the kidneys and liver and lymph system all do their job.
Exercise - None, I am exhausted.
Food- Breakfast of Greek Vanilla Yogurt and Granola and blueberries. Lunch is Gazpacho and almonds at home, and Iced Tea. Dinner is soup, slice of turkey and sweet potato. Drinking water all day, I would say I again consume a gallon of water, with slight flavorings (Pom juice, Gatorade, lemon - mainly lemon). And I drink a Bio-K CL1285 in the evening. Soups taste the best. I stay away from anything fatty, it has no appeal. My digestive system is still very sluggish, so no fats or anything difficult at all to digest. The warm water with lemon and chamomile tea are still favorites. Very soothing.
Meds- L-glutamine 5 times today. Neulasta shot (increase bone marrow's production of blood cells.)
Up at 10:30 AM to get Neulasta shot, getting a ride, and then back to the house directly to nap until lunch. I greedily lie on the little white sofa in the living room, under the quilted comforter, every chance I get. Seriously, I come in from the doctor's at 11 AM and fall right asleep.
Mike, Corey and B have lunch here, and I fall asleep after lunch. I put on one of Bernie Siegel's Healing Meditation tapes, and drifted. Very relaxing and positive, guided imagery of healing. Even though it's 90 outside, I feel cold.
Acupuncture at 2, driven by B. We do a minimum of points, not wanting to add stress to my body. Two for nausea, then liver, kidney, spleen, and lymph drainage. So peaceful lying there. I asked months ago when I started acupuncture, Could I listen to an IPOD while the needles did their work? What was I thinking. Forty five minutes of peace and prayer and focusing on my body healing. It goes by in a snap. Often I fall asleep. I love it.
Back home at 3:30, and off to sleep again. My mouth starts to taste metal, my feet are starting to tingle. My calves and neck are starting to be sore and ache, glands tender. By dinner I eat very little and just want to lie down listening to Soundscapes soothing music, very soft. Loud voices or television shows grate me like fingernails on chalkboard. My cheeks were rosy!
There was a roach in my bathroom this evening, and it freaked me out. I can say I have never been this scared of a roach. For some reason it scared me. To the point of crying. Sat on the side of the bathtub, staring at the roach crawling across the bathroom counter and sobbed. I didn't want to touch it. I wanted someone, anyone but me, to get that thing out of there. In Florida, roaches are a part of life. We all have them. Normally I would be the one who gets the magazine and WHOMP kills it in one thump. I couldn't handle it tonight. Who would have guessed?
Day 4 of Chemo, Friday Sept 24
The Third Day after Chemo
Concept - Let my body repair. All the dead cells from chemo are flushing out, and my body knows it. The digestive system has had a chemical peel, the lymph glands are swollen because they are doing their job. My joints and muscles ache all over, they have been hit sideways by the chemo and need to repair. Everything is tender to the touch. So today is pamper the body, gently.
Exercise - None, I can't even think of exercise.
Food- Breakfast was a pear. Lunch was chicken broth, egg and lemon (Avgolemono Soup) and Iced Tea. Dinner is soup and a small bit of pasta w tomato sauce. Drinking water all day yet again. And a Bio-K CL1285 in the evening. Soups taste the best. Digestive system limping along, needing replenishment.
Meds- L-glutamine 5 times today. I mix it with just a few teaspoons of water and drink it like a shot. It takes like chalk. And 2 Advil every 4 hours or so.
Dragged myself out of bed at 11:45. It was an effort, but Mike and B were coming over for lunch. Every inch of me ached, even the front of my legs. The most intrusive was my neck - couldn't move it without the ache. And my larynx, which has been a source of ache for two years, is really really sore. This is floaties day, when I see squiggles and floaties when I look anywhere - which I read is little tiny bits of your inner eye vitreus breaking off. So I keep my eyes closed a lot today. Nausea present, so just don't eat much.
Napped on and off all afternoon, B stayed and kept me company while I napped. Listened to my Soothing Soundscapes Music channel. My thighs twitched randomly all afternoon. Pretty massive twitches. J dropped off the most ethereal bouquet of roses. Since last chemo I got persistent leg cramps at night, I made to sure down an entire bottle of Gatorade during the day, diluting it with water. Chills on and off all day. No fever. Every inch of me aches.
I was so glad when bedtime came. I made it through FRIDAY!!!! Only with the love and kindness shown by my friends and family can I do this.
Day 5 of Chemo, Saturday Sept 25
The Fourth Day after Chemo
Concept - The worst was yesterday, behind me. Now it's feeling better and better each day. Listen to what my body wants. Be gentle.
Exercise - Walked around the block twice.
Food- Breakfast was a peach. Lunch was Cumin Meatball Rice Soup and Iced Tea. Dinner is Chicken and Cashews. Drinking water all day yet again. Drinking a Gatorade to prevent muscle cramps. And a Bio-K CL1285 in the evening. Soups taste the best. Digestive system limping along, needing replenishment.
Meds- L-glutamine 5 times today. And two Advil a few times during the day.
Up at 10 AM. Usually we have lunch with Dad today, but I couldn't make for a car ride (nausea.) He understood, putting our lunch off until tomorrow. All I did today was nap, interrupted by thirty minutes here and there of sitting up and chatting with Mike or noshing. L brought over Chicken for dinner, it was great to sit up and focus for a bit on conversation. A mouth sore has developed, but not so bad. Achy and sore glands less than yesterday. Metal mouth taste diminished but still there. The front of my lower legs burn, that's funny. My feet tingle. And my legs are wobbly, I feel like Gumby. But everything is feeling better than yesterday.
Day 6 of Chemo, Sunday Sept 26
The Fifth Day after Chemo
Concept - Feeling better every day, still being gentle though.
Exercise - Just everyday moving.
Food - Breakfast of rice/egg concoction. Lunch was Tomato Soup and turkey breast (at Jason's Deli) and Iced Tea. Dinner is Shepherd's Pie (mashed potatoes, ground beef and peas), salad with no dressing, Strawberry Cloud (strawberries, egg whites and cream). Drinking water all day yet again. Bio-K CL1285 in the evening. Want protein to help out body's repair and blood cell production.
Meds- L-glutamine 3 times today.
Up at 10 AM. Feeling nauseous, but able to go out in car to lunch with Dad. YEAH!
Larnyx is sore, glands and overall aches are less present. Slept all afternoon, then had visitors! B and C came over bearing frozen yogurt and strawberries, L brought a new recipe of soup (ever heard of a Soup Angel, that is her nickname in my book), then E and R visited bringing dinner. What a joy to sit in our living room, catching up with friends. You know, the best support group isn't a collection of people who share your same illness. I think the best support group is your family and friends, who love you and want the best for you, and shower you with kindnesses. The facts on what to do to heal can be found out by asking questions of doctors and of those who have walked through the illness you know. It is the kindnesses of family and friends that are the true support group. I slouch on the sofa, scarf on my head and quilt over my feet, listening to all the conversation and joining in. A great day!
Day 7 of Chemo, Monday Sept 27
The Sixth Day after Chemo
Concept - Over the hump, just rest and restore the body.
Exercise - On elliptical 10 minutes, then walking in the back yard.
Food - Breakfast is Raisin Bran. Lunch of Udon Shitake Mushroom Soup and Iced Tea. Snack of Mushroom Soup. Dinner is Pasta with Bolognese Sauce, salad with no dressing, Strawberry Cloud (strawberries, egg whites and cream). Drinking water all day yet again. Bio-K CL1285 in the evening.
Meds- L-glutamine 2 times today.
Up at 10 AM. Had no energy to do anything wild and crazy, or to do anything at all. Watched two movies (Legend of Zorro and My Super Ex-Girlfriend) which I napped during, so I missed crucial parts. Pretty funny waking up and having to figure out what happened.
All week I will stay in, maybe do one thing each day out of the house. If my body wants to rest to restore, I will let it. Being tired is frustrating, and this is such a funny tired, one I haven't felt before. But in the scheme of things, nothing at all to complain about.
It is wonderful being on the other side of chemo, with only one more to go. I started researching radiation today, need to learn about it ... ever onward and upward....
This blog was started for several reasons: a safe place for words to flow as a catharsis for me, a record of this time of cancer treatment for me to see my growth and lessons learned, an aid to anyone going through healing, and a way to reflect Glory to God of His work in my life right now.
I want you all to realize, I am no better or worse than anyone of you at walking through illness. Sometimes I listen to the still small voice speaking to my soul, and sometimes I ignore it. Each of us has the spirit to heal, and each of us has the presence of God available every second.
I, like each of you, are given the gift of life for today. I want my life today to be like clay in the potter's hand, reworked to reflect the creator's glory. It is God who has all the answers, has all the power, and knows what to do. I am just like you, trying. I fall, I get up. I fall, I get up. I look to Him. I need Him.
Each of you have had and will have amazing events in your life, some visible to all and some only known by you (and God). Sometimes you will see your impact on others' lives right away, sometimes you will never know how others are affected by your words or actions. Sometimes the whole event is about you, and sometimes it is totally about someone else. Isn't that cool?
It is God's power that heals, it is God's love that is shown through all of you.
I am just trying to cooperate.
So, what follows are the humdrum details of this week. Please don't feel you need to read them if they hold no interest.
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Day 0 of Chemo, Monday Sept 20
The Getting Ready Day
Concept - Today is prepping for tomorrow. Keeping peaceful and positive while organizing for another attack on any cancer cells left. Want to have my body is as good a shape as possible, so the healthy cells stay healthy.
Exercise - 4 laps around the Millenia Mall, which is two miles (I emailed their office to ask). I want to get some blood moving but not true exercise. Studies have now come out that say you should avoid mind and body stress for two days prior to chemo, as the stress causes your body to produce a protein that protects cancer cells from chemo. Yes, you heard it here. Of course, thinking about getting chemo is stressful in itself, but we all do what we can. At least I can minimize physically stressing out.
Food- Breakfast of Big Wood River Granola, Greek Vanilla Yogurt and some blueberries, Green Tea. Have been having this for eons it seems. Lunch of the Chicken Chop Salad at PF Changs (with friends!) Dinner is sauted artichoke hearts, garlic and onions served over Celegini mozzarella cheese balls and 2 oz of proscuitto, with some fruit and a croissant also.
Meds- taking the Dexamethasone (steroid) that Dr. M prescribed, which hypes me up but also is an anti-inflammatory I understand. The only other things he lets me take now are my nightly psyllium, magnesium, calcium, and D3. Oh, and two weeks ago he said okay to taking B-12 shots. And I can take an Ambien at night if I really need help sleeping.
The Boys Scouts motto of "Be Prepared" rings true today. I try to get all my ducks in a row so I can float as peacefully as possible the rest of the week. Spend time paying all the bills, answering all emails. Visit my Dad and sort out his pills for the next three weeks, neaten up his apartment.
Got all my stuff ready to go to chemo. Put out my IPAD with headphones, a cooler for ice cubes and a popsicle, a light pashmina. Wrote down on post-it notes who was bringing meals when, and who was driving me where and when all week long. Downloaded 4 of Bernie Siegel's Healing Meditations onto my IPAD. Tore seven pages out of a book, which is a written meditation to read during chemo I found this week. It specifically guides you to look at chemo as healing you. Wrote an email out to all my loyal friends asking for prayers tomorrow, and for specific prayers.
This morning, I went through visualizing every part of me healing, and praying for this healing. Meditated on Psalm 23, thinking about every verse in detail. Reading "Jesus Calling" by Sarah Young as my daily devotional.
A neighbor threw a cocktail party, with his visiting sons entertaining us with an Improv show. We went for one and a half hours, then I crashed. Wearing the wig. I napped in the afternoon for three hours, but there still comes a point in the evening when the brain and body start slowly shutting down. Can't process thoughts, start to get the clammy feeling you get when you are weak. It was great to be out and seeing neighbors though. I definitely wasn't this tired early in chemo. The effects are cumulative.
Day 1 of Chemo, Tuesday Sept 21
The Day of Chemo
Concept - Stay positive, be gentle on my body.
Exercise - Nothing intentional, just doing daily activities.
Food - Breakfast is 365 Frosted Mini Wheats - want something delicious and whole grains. Lunch is PF Changs' Gluten-Free Ginger chicken with well cooked broccoli and brown rice. Lots of tea and water. Lots. Probably asked for 6 refills. Took a to-go cup with me to chemo. Ate a mango popsicle when they started the Taxotere. Dinner is sauteed chicken, spinach and pasta, croissant and salad with no dressing. And watermelon. Watermelon tastes really good. And I drink a Bio-K CL1285 in the evening.
Meds- Taking the Dexamethasone as directed. At chemo they spray my port with Pain Ease, then first give me in pre-meds in the IV - Benedryl, Dexamethasone, a drug for esophagus spasms (first time I got this, and I can't remember the name), and Aloxi for nausea, and of course the IV bag to clear out the port (which is in my right arm). Then after these ran through, I got the Taxotere and then after that, the Cytoxan. Taking 5 tsp of L-Glutamine throughout the day, to protect my nerve endings. Before bed, because my digestive system will stop processing today, I take a Colace and a Sennakot.
Today, for some reason, Mike and I are both awake at 3 AM. I am on this steroid that hypes you up. My mind is naturally thinking about my 1:30 chemo appointment. I get out of bed, bake muffins, make some gazpacho for Thursday.
I go back to bed at 6 AM. I linger in bed as long as I want. Praying and meditating. Letting my mind wander. I read the day's devotional and then I think. I recite Psalm 23 and let my mind wander on each verse. I visualize healing. I am getting set up for the day, putting on the armor of God, preparing for healing to happen. Being in God's presence is the most important part of today's preparation. Just being with Him.
Went to the baseball office at 10 AM, went over some of the current events. At PF Changs at 11:15 with my nine friends. What a joy! I am pretty chatty, having trouble concentrating on the conversations as my mind is playing hopscotch. Main thing, I drink in the smiles and laughter. We talk about ear lobe lifts and nourishing soup and pole dancing for exercise and keeping the Sabbath holy.
Home to a surprise-a-rooni. S and S have placed fifty nine pink plastic flamingos alongside our driveway. CAN YOU BELIEVE IT! What a hoot! I jump out of the car and walk among them. I love it. Just love it! They look so kooky in our yard. Just perfect, I can't stop smiling! I have no idea of who did this!
Then to Dr. M with Mike, driving through the flamingos. They are running later than ever. I now know to tell the nurse to take my blood pressure with a wrist cuff on my left wrist, and to take blood for blood work from my right arm inner elbow, but don't use a tourniquet because I have a port near my elbow. I wear a short sleeved t-shirt so the port is easily accessible.
My blood work is all good. Red blood cells slightly low, just slightly. White blood cells and platelets normal. How wonderful that is!
I have four questions for Dr. M, and I write them down on the single sheet they have me fill out each time, a sheet which asks for any negative comments on each group of symptoms. When Dr. M comes in, he says How are you doing? I say, Happy to be here! He looks at my sheet, and we go over the issues. It was a good idea to write down my questions, they were answered. Now I know he is a better visual than auditory processor. These visits are less than five minutes each, he doesn't sit down. Looks at sheet of paper, answers questions, checks my heart, leaves.
1. Can we do anything about the nausea except Phenergan (which puts me to sleep)? He says, other anti-nausea drugs cause headaches, take the Phenergan and sleep.
2. Can we do anything about Thurs PM to Sat PM swollen glands, achy joints and muscles? He says that is how chemo makes you feel, take two Advil every four hours.
3. Can I do anything about my red blood count being low? He said it is fine, just barely low. Don't worry.
4. The symptoms of Inflammatory Breast Cancer showed up again after Chemo 4 then receded (swollen, red), even though the biopsy showed I don't have it. Do IBC symptoms come and go? Could biopsy be wrong? No, if it were IBC it wouldn't swell and redden then recede. If the swelling and redness lasts over 2 days, call him.
Okay then.
Into the waiting room, waiting for an IV lounger to open up. Quite crowded today. I get called back about 2:30, they start it up right away with the pre-meds. I keep my feet and hands out of the blanket, because that will give them slightly less chemo and I am trying to prevent CIPN (Chemically Induced Peripheral Neuropathy) which is tingling due to injury to the myelin of your hands's and feet's nerves. I drink water after water, and once the Taxotere and Cytoxan are going in, I suck on ice chips and cubes, again to reduce slightly the chemo to my mouth, which in turn reduces mouth sores and metallic taste in mouth.
I turn on my IPAD and put in my headphones. Listening to Handel's Water Music, first I pray. Lifting up Mike, Corey, Mack, Tray. Dad and Mac. Lifting up others. Then myself. It is such a compassionate, healing atmosphere in the chemo room, I think. It's the people that make it that way.
For the first time, I read a guided imagery written for chemo, about 30 minutes. Fantastic. Guides me through relaxing all muscles, then the chemo drugs flowing through my body from top of head to tip of toes removing any cancer, then protecting my healthy cells, then thankfulness. Then I doze off. Awake and asleep, on and off until finished. Picturing my body being washed with clear, pure chemo-drugs water, picturing this water flowing and eddying everywhere, getting any and all errant cells out of there.
I'm out of there at 5:30, back home. We reheat the delicious dinner waiting on the kitchen counter. We eat and then take a slow walk around the block with our basset hound Sporty. Relax and in bed by 9 PM. Watched a Seinfeld episode before bed. Still hyped up on the steroids, but tired from the events of the day. The train has left the station....
Day 2 of Chemo, Wednesday Sept 22
The First Day after Chemo
Concept - Stay positive and gentle on my body. The steroids make me feel jittery, my body has the chemo drugs in it so it is a little startled. I want to help my healthy cell's stay healthy and wash out the dying cancer cells.
Exercise - 2 laps around the Millenia Mall, driven down there by a friend. I don't quite trust myself to drive, everything seems to be happening so fast around me. My mind is a little foggy and sluggish. I enjoy hearing my two friends talk, and I contribute some.
Food- Breakfast of 365 Cherios. Lunch is Thai Crunch Salad at California Pizza Kitchen and Iced Tea. Afternoon snack of Matzo crackers. Dinner is baked chicken and squash and berries. Drinking water all day, I would say I consume a gallon of water, with slight flavorings (Pom juice, Gatorade, lemon). And I drink a Bio-K CL1285 in the evening. Warm water and lemon or warm chamomile tea feel so soothing to drink.
Meds- L-glutamine 5 times today. And since my digestion system has stopped, I take a Colace and a Sennakot before bed.
Awake at 10AM, I stay upstairs in prayer and thought. Just heavenly.
Different than prior times, my cheeks are rosy all day long. I have asked for prayer protecting my bone marrow, and here it is. I am getting plenty of oxygen! The symptoms of IBC are there just like the days after the last two chemos, red and swollen left breast, but I know I don't have it.
I go to the Millenia Mall with B and L, walk two times around and then break for lunch. That is one mile. I am spacey, and it takes quite an effort of concentration to listen to the conversation. But I enjoy it. I am hyped up yet tired. My body alternates between wanting to fall asleep instantly and having my heart race and blood pulse so loud I hear it in my ears.
When back from the Mall, I lie down at 2 PM. I can't fall asleep, but am too tired to read or focus on a television show. I listen to the Peaceful Soundscapes, Channel 434, and let my mind drift. Repeat Psalm 23 and roll each verse over in my mind. My body is fighting a battle, I can tell. My heart rate zooms randomly. Exhausted yet hyper at the same time.
Not nauseous at dinner time, but not hungry. My eyes feel tired. The port is very tender and bruised. At bedtime I can feel my joints and glands start to get sore. It feels great to lie down and fall asleep. I want to help my lymph system drain, as my lymph nodes and everything was very tender and sore and achy last time, so I sleep on two pillows on my back, to let the lymph in my neck drain a little better. Woke up three times during the night, went right back to sleep.
Day 3 of Chemo, Thursday Sept 23
The Second Day after Chemo
Concept - Gentle on the body, keep water flushing through to help the kidneys and liver and lymph system all do their job.
Exercise - None, I am exhausted.
Food- Breakfast of Greek Vanilla Yogurt and Granola and blueberries. Lunch is Gazpacho and almonds at home, and Iced Tea. Dinner is soup, slice of turkey and sweet potato. Drinking water all day, I would say I again consume a gallon of water, with slight flavorings (Pom juice, Gatorade, lemon - mainly lemon). And I drink a Bio-K CL1285 in the evening. Soups taste the best. I stay away from anything fatty, it has no appeal. My digestive system is still very sluggish, so no fats or anything difficult at all to digest. The warm water with lemon and chamomile tea are still favorites. Very soothing.
Meds- L-glutamine 5 times today. Neulasta shot (increase bone marrow's production of blood cells.)
Up at 10:30 AM to get Neulasta shot, getting a ride, and then back to the house directly to nap until lunch. I greedily lie on the little white sofa in the living room, under the quilted comforter, every chance I get. Seriously, I come in from the doctor's at 11 AM and fall right asleep.
Mike, Corey and B have lunch here, and I fall asleep after lunch. I put on one of Bernie Siegel's Healing Meditation tapes, and drifted. Very relaxing and positive, guided imagery of healing. Even though it's 90 outside, I feel cold.
Acupuncture at 2, driven by B. We do a minimum of points, not wanting to add stress to my body. Two for nausea, then liver, kidney, spleen, and lymph drainage. So peaceful lying there. I asked months ago when I started acupuncture, Could I listen to an IPOD while the needles did their work? What was I thinking. Forty five minutes of peace and prayer and focusing on my body healing. It goes by in a snap. Often I fall asleep. I love it.
Back home at 3:30, and off to sleep again. My mouth starts to taste metal, my feet are starting to tingle. My calves and neck are starting to be sore and ache, glands tender. By dinner I eat very little and just want to lie down listening to Soundscapes soothing music, very soft. Loud voices or television shows grate me like fingernails on chalkboard. My cheeks were rosy!
There was a roach in my bathroom this evening, and it freaked me out. I can say I have never been this scared of a roach. For some reason it scared me. To the point of crying. Sat on the side of the bathtub, staring at the roach crawling across the bathroom counter and sobbed. I didn't want to touch it. I wanted someone, anyone but me, to get that thing out of there. In Florida, roaches are a part of life. We all have them. Normally I would be the one who gets the magazine and WHOMP kills it in one thump. I couldn't handle it tonight. Who would have guessed?
Day 4 of Chemo, Friday Sept 24
The Third Day after Chemo
Concept - Let my body repair. All the dead cells from chemo are flushing out, and my body knows it. The digestive system has had a chemical peel, the lymph glands are swollen because they are doing their job. My joints and muscles ache all over, they have been hit sideways by the chemo and need to repair. Everything is tender to the touch. So today is pamper the body, gently.
Exercise - None, I can't even think of exercise.
Food- Breakfast was a pear. Lunch was chicken broth, egg and lemon (Avgolemono Soup) and Iced Tea. Dinner is soup and a small bit of pasta w tomato sauce. Drinking water all day yet again. And a Bio-K CL1285 in the evening. Soups taste the best. Digestive system limping along, needing replenishment.
Meds- L-glutamine 5 times today. I mix it with just a few teaspoons of water and drink it like a shot. It takes like chalk. And 2 Advil every 4 hours or so.
Dragged myself out of bed at 11:45. It was an effort, but Mike and B were coming over for lunch. Every inch of me ached, even the front of my legs. The most intrusive was my neck - couldn't move it without the ache. And my larynx, which has been a source of ache for two years, is really really sore. This is floaties day, when I see squiggles and floaties when I look anywhere - which I read is little tiny bits of your inner eye vitreus breaking off. So I keep my eyes closed a lot today. Nausea present, so just don't eat much.
Napped on and off all afternoon, B stayed and kept me company while I napped. Listened to my Soothing Soundscapes Music channel. My thighs twitched randomly all afternoon. Pretty massive twitches. J dropped off the most ethereal bouquet of roses. Since last chemo I got persistent leg cramps at night, I made to sure down an entire bottle of Gatorade during the day, diluting it with water. Chills on and off all day. No fever. Every inch of me aches.
I was so glad when bedtime came. I made it through FRIDAY!!!! Only with the love and kindness shown by my friends and family can I do this.
Day 5 of Chemo, Saturday Sept 25
The Fourth Day after Chemo
Concept - The worst was yesterday, behind me. Now it's feeling better and better each day. Listen to what my body wants. Be gentle.
Exercise - Walked around the block twice.
Food- Breakfast was a peach. Lunch was Cumin Meatball Rice Soup and Iced Tea. Dinner is Chicken and Cashews. Drinking water all day yet again. Drinking a Gatorade to prevent muscle cramps. And a Bio-K CL1285 in the evening. Soups taste the best. Digestive system limping along, needing replenishment.
Meds- L-glutamine 5 times today. And two Advil a few times during the day.
Up at 10 AM. Usually we have lunch with Dad today, but I couldn't make for a car ride (nausea.) He understood, putting our lunch off until tomorrow. All I did today was nap, interrupted by thirty minutes here and there of sitting up and chatting with Mike or noshing. L brought over Chicken for dinner, it was great to sit up and focus for a bit on conversation. A mouth sore has developed, but not so bad. Achy and sore glands less than yesterday. Metal mouth taste diminished but still there. The front of my lower legs burn, that's funny. My feet tingle. And my legs are wobbly, I feel like Gumby. But everything is feeling better than yesterday.
Day 6 of Chemo, Sunday Sept 26
The Fifth Day after Chemo
Concept - Feeling better every day, still being gentle though.
Exercise - Just everyday moving.
Food - Breakfast of rice/egg concoction. Lunch was Tomato Soup and turkey breast (at Jason's Deli) and Iced Tea. Dinner is Shepherd's Pie (mashed potatoes, ground beef and peas), salad with no dressing, Strawberry Cloud (strawberries, egg whites and cream). Drinking water all day yet again. Bio-K CL1285 in the evening. Want protein to help out body's repair and blood cell production.
Meds- L-glutamine 3 times today.
Up at 10 AM. Feeling nauseous, but able to go out in car to lunch with Dad. YEAH!
Larnyx is sore, glands and overall aches are less present. Slept all afternoon, then had visitors! B and C came over bearing frozen yogurt and strawberries, L brought a new recipe of soup (ever heard of a Soup Angel, that is her nickname in my book), then E and R visited bringing dinner. What a joy to sit in our living room, catching up with friends. You know, the best support group isn't a collection of people who share your same illness. I think the best support group is your family and friends, who love you and want the best for you, and shower you with kindnesses. The facts on what to do to heal can be found out by asking questions of doctors and of those who have walked through the illness you know. It is the kindnesses of family and friends that are the true support group. I slouch on the sofa, scarf on my head and quilt over my feet, listening to all the conversation and joining in. A great day!
Day 7 of Chemo, Monday Sept 27
The Sixth Day after Chemo
Concept - Over the hump, just rest and restore the body.
Exercise - On elliptical 10 minutes, then walking in the back yard.
Food - Breakfast is Raisin Bran. Lunch of Udon Shitake Mushroom Soup and Iced Tea. Snack of Mushroom Soup. Dinner is Pasta with Bolognese Sauce, salad with no dressing, Strawberry Cloud (strawberries, egg whites and cream). Drinking water all day yet again. Bio-K CL1285 in the evening.
Meds- L-glutamine 2 times today.
Up at 10 AM. Had no energy to do anything wild and crazy, or to do anything at all. Watched two movies (Legend of Zorro and My Super Ex-Girlfriend) which I napped during, so I missed crucial parts. Pretty funny waking up and having to figure out what happened.
All week I will stay in, maybe do one thing each day out of the house. If my body wants to rest to restore, I will let it. Being tired is frustrating, and this is such a funny tired, one I haven't felt before. But in the scheme of things, nothing at all to complain about.
It is wonderful being on the other side of chemo, with only one more to go. I started researching radiation today, need to learn about it ... ever onward and upward....
Thursday, September 23, 2010
Email responses
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There has never even been one nanosecond in my mind that you couldn't do this also. You are SO SURVIVING. With everyone around to lean on for strength, and for God's strength, oohyeah! Will pray for your remainder of the week to go quickly and with great healing hands with you every minute!
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To be honest, your e-mail made me cry this AM. I am praying for you, as you would like. Your optimism makes me feel better. Isn't it always nice that we can think about something else, i.e. the street lights. At least for a second to give our mind a break from our worries.
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Praying for you. I think the issue with the street lights is due to Mike's electrifying personality. Love you, health just keeps coming towards you.
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You continue in my prayers and thoughts. U and I were talking about you and Mike last evening. I am sure you felt our good thoughts and words coming your way. Your strength, focus on the positive and faith will get you through #5, and your family and friends will make it all easier. And you have ONLY ONE LEFT!!
Bravery and positive thinking, Two things that I am sure have and will continue to get you through with flying colors to beat the cancer out of every single place it may want to hide or stay.
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My prayers and all good thoughts are with you today Sara and may the grace of God and peace of God that surpasses all of our understanding, be with you throughout the day and provide you with that inner peace that will see you through it all.......
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Here's a photo of a labyrinth newly created in a dear friend's yard in CT. She walked it lifting me up for healing!
(commenting on Mike putting out street lights) My first guess is that Mike is so full of (God's) light, he doesn't need electricity! :)
My thoughts and prayers are with you.
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I will be diligent in keeping you in my prayers -- thereby keeping you forefront in God's heart.
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We're praying for you and you'll do GREAT!!!
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Your strength and spirits sound UP!
I love the 23 Psalm. It has always been one of my favorites since a very young age. I hope our sons have committed it to memory but I don't think they had to memorize as we did at an early age. (Test them - LOL) Your comments about it are perfect! We are praying for you and Mike.
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I am praying for you both right now – LOVE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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I have been praying for you today and then so enjoyed getting your email. God definitely has a plan for you to do awesome things!
I now know specifically what prayers are needed for you and Mike which always makes it a bit more personal to me...God already knows : ) . I do hope that you have a much easier time with your chemo.
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Just a note to say we are thinking of you. Yesterday we were in church. Our youngest son E was with us, he is 8 years old. I remember when I was diagnosed with cancer I felt very emotional in church as I felt such a strong peace that God truly had His arms around me. E spent about 5 extra minutes on his knees after communion. After church I asked him if he was praying for his grandmother (who was with us and has a chronic illness) the whole time. He said "no, other people too, like Sara Whiting".
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Your name came up during a conversation between friends at the beach recently and I wanted to send you a note and let you know you are in our prayers for a speedy recovery!!!
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I hope yesterday’s chemo #5 went well and please know that I’m thinking about you and praying for nos. 1, 2 and 3 on your email yesterday!!! I know in my heart that the chemo is doing its job and that God is protecting your bone marrow, nervous system and heart!!! I’ll be lifting you and Mike up to Him today and every day until you’re well!!
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I hope yesterday’s chemo #5 went well and please know that I’m thinking about you and praying for nos. 1, 2 and 3 on your email yesterday!!! I know in my heart that the chemo is doing its job and that God is protecting your bone marrow, nervous system and heart!!! I’ll be lifting you and Mike up to Him today and every day until you’re well!!
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I know you are putting up a fierce battle when you are not around, and I know when you reach that finish line, it will be one of the most glorious days of your life.
-------
In my crazy brain I have a jillion random sentences for you, that I have yet to pen.Here is one, After reading, actually, while reading one of your blog posts the Lord had me singing the song " I need Thee every hour" an old and simple hymn that speaks of our need for Him.
I see the Holy Spirit imparting His peace, courage and strength to you. Such a lovely way to bring Him glory.
---------
First I had a dream about you last night. I don't know what it was, but it was long and we spent so much time together. I can't help but think it's because you are on my mind and your name is on the white board I have in my office that helps me be a little more organized with my prayers.
---------
On the flamingos:
HOW CUTE! I say leave them up so you can smile every time you come home.
Lunch was fun and you look wonderful. WOW – I love it. Just make sure that they don’t leave too much “Flamingo Dirt” on the lawn….it is heck getting it off the espadrilles!
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------
I'm so glad to hear you are through with CHEMO #5. I continue to pray for you and Mike and know in my heart that you will be okay. I believe you will be healed of this disease. I believe the love you and Mike have for each other and the love you have of the Lord will get you through anything.
It sounds like you have quite a few friends who keep you active. You are indeed a blessed woman. I agree with you on the 23rd Psalm. It is actually the first thing I memorized from the Bible.
Any way, you and Mike take care of yourselves and each other and I will keep you both in my prayers. May God be with you and Bless you Always!
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
Chemo #5 - How and Why
That being said, Mike and I were both awake at 4:30 AM, stretching our backs, talking about Psalm 23, just talking. So I decided to bake blueberry-mango-walnut muffins (as I won't want to smell cooking for at least a week), and he decided to go out for his pretty much daily walk around the lake. Three and a quarter miles.
Totally off the subject - There are about eighty street lights on this walk around the lake, and seventeen went out as he approached them this morning. Does this ever happen to you? It ALWAYS does to Mike. We walk Sporty around the block, pass fifteen streetlights around our block, and three to five will go out every time. Out for just a few minutes, then back on. Ideas?
Back on track...
Dear dear friends, could you pray:
1. That all the renegade cancer cells in my body be killed and swept out by the chemo drugs today, and by my white blood cells
2. For protection for my healthy body from chemo's side effects, particularly my bone marrow and nervous system and heart.
3. That Mike be comforted and guided by God's presence in his life. (he has a lot on his plate, including me.)
Thank you for your steadfastness in prayer for us. I wrote in an earlier blog, this is the twenty mile mark of a marathon. It is definitely tiresome. But it is not me who needs to be strong, I just need to know where my strength comes from... PHEW!
I am just breathless from all of your kindnesses! Two mall walkings with L and B, then PF Changs lunch with D and S, I think they have lunched with me on the Monday before all 5 chemos... isn't that cool?
Today I have PF Changs lunch with some more loyal friends, and then chemo #5... Wednesday B is in charge of me, taking me to mall walk then CPK lunch is the plan. Thursday Corey and B and Mike take over, then Friday I think I will just stay put. What a wonderful week... Oh did I mention soup and dinners delivered all week? I am a PRINCESS, that's what I feel like!
How and Why.
I have forever been fascinated with the HOW of things, not quite as much the WHY. Oh I would like to know the WHY, but I do know that there are some WHY's I just won't know here on earth. I'll be darned if I let that worry me. But the HOW, that's another story. Wanting to know the HOW is what fueled my lifelong fascination with science. Don't you just look around and wonder - HOW did that get that way, HOW was it made, HOW do I get to my goal, HOW did that happen?
How did I get Invasive Ductal Carcinoma Stage 2?
How, I have some thoughts. And this in no way is laying blame on anyone, including not on me or God. And I am not a doctor. Just my thoughts.
It is a thought in the Cancer World that some event happened about two years before a cancer is large enough to diagnose. That event is traumatic for you, and you need to process it for healing to take place thoroughly, probably forgiveness is involved. Yep, two years ago I can pinpoint two events where I needed to forgive myself and others. Unforgiveness and stress put so much pressure on your soul that your immune system isn't functioning at top speed. It isn't able to kill the random mutant cells we all have a handful of in our bodies at any given time. Most most most of the time our immune system pretty easily zaps them. Not when you are under heavy stress, or carrying baggage.
I went to Fr. D at our old church, asked him to help me pray for forgiveness. He did. I have not asked for someone to pray with me often. I know each of us has a line straight to God's ear and we don't need others to pray. But sometimes there is an issue so weighty or confusing that I know I will benefit from someone who has been down this road before, helping me out. Ministers really do care about each of us. They aren't just the guys (or gals) leading the Sunday services. The other six days of the week they care about us too.
Also, we ( me and a series of doctors) have been trying to figure out for two years why I had all of a sudden growths on my thyroid glands. Well, I started out at a doctor that specialized in woman's hormones, she put me on thyroid medicine for the first time, and also on a very high level of estrogen, progesterone, and some other hormones.
When she did blood work, she wanted my estrogen and progesterone to be above the normal levels, which I questioned. She was adamant, that the normal levels cited on the lab sheet were too low. So she put me on much higher doses of estrogen and progesterone etc. Said that would improve all my hormone levels (including thyroid). This was new to me. Looking at my family history, heart disease has been an issue. No one has had breast cancer. So she wanted to protect my heart more than worry about breast cancer.
It was compounded estrogen and progesterone, which I now know meant there wasn't good quality control in the actual amounts I was getting. I tell you, my breasts were sore and tender for weeks. This concerned me, so I asked her. She said it was the normal reaction. After six months I switched to another doctor, I had been sore and tender for too long and I wasn't comfortable with the hormones overall.
The Invasive Ductal Carcinoma I had was determined to be both estrogen and progesterone fed. I'm not a doctor but it seems pretty clear to me that the large doses of hormones encouraged a little cancer spot that my body might have removed on its own, to break out of the milk duct walls and spread to the surrounding tissue, and then to the lymph node. We all have a few cancer cells in us, our body's immune system zaps them.
So there I was, needing to forgive, stressed out, and pumped up with hormones. I have forgiven, and am enjoying time of quiet when I ask the Lord to search me and find all else that needs dealing with. Why didn't I deal with those issues right away? Instead I put them in a box, up on a shelf for processing in a future date. I was too busy. (NEVER DO I WANT TO SAY THOSE WORDS AGAIN AS AN EXCUSE FOR ANYTHING.) That is our normal reaction, too busy to deal with the soul issues thoroughly.
I have said the before, and I bet I will say this again. Why do we spend so little time each day tending to the one part of us that is going to last for eternity, our souls? Today's success orientated society looks askance at people who just think, who take time to relax, who aren't on the fast track, who can look at the ocean for hours on end. Meditation. Prayer? That's time getting to know God. Talking to Him. And we squeeze it in early morning and late evening.
Mike and I are slowly redirecting to reduce stress. Don't need to jump, just slowly.. It's a process.
I am off the hormones as of when I had the biopsy. Love the hot flashes (they remind me I am not feeding cancer anymore!!!)
With all that being said, I also think there is an element of, It just happened. Somethings good, or bad, just happen because that is the way the universe is rolling. I don't want to place blame on me or anyone for any cancer. It is far far far more important what you do after you are diagnosed, I feel.
Why did I get Invasive Ductal Carcinoma Stage 2?
I absolutely know that God didn't give me this cancer. He doesn't do things like that. He is good, all the time.
I absolutely know that He is using this time to redirect me towards Him. To calm me down, get the busy out of my life so I can listen to Him and learn. Learn who I am to be, what I am to do, what parts of me that need to change. And also, just rest. Restore. Relax. Renew. Redirect. Re-devote. Re-evaluate. Recognize. Refresh. All the re's...
The WHY isn't finished being answered. You see some good outcomes in the Monday Morning quarterback mode. Inside and afterward, you can see so much positive coming out of this.
I might sound wacky, but my body does has such intelligence. It knows what it needs, if I listen. Perhaps my eyes and thoughts needed to be turned inside for my long term good. I wasn't doing that on my own. Survival is a powerful force.
I want to figure out how to get all the positive, without the cancer next time! That's my assignment, how to live in God's presence every day, all day long. How to listen to His voice, and let Him restore my soul, every day. He wants to, I know that.
The 23rd Psalm is awesome. More on that in a later blog. The part that is germane to this entry is that at first God talks about restoring ME (verses 1 -3a), then after my soul is restored, He will guide me down those paths of righteousness for His name's sake. Yep, got to get right with God before you can go out and do His work. Sometimes getting right with God is walking through the valley of the shadow of death. It's worth it.
So this is redirecting me for whatever He wants. I knew from the beginning that God is stirring Mike and I up, and well, let's see what happens!
Everyone who has and is showering Mike and I with kindness, you all have had sadness and difficulty. You know, you get it. Thank you so much for making our days full of light and laughter and all things good, through this sometimes rocky adventure... THANK YOU!!!!
Do not believe that he who seeks to comfort you lives untroubled among the simple and quiet words that sometimes do you good. His life has much difficulty... Were it otherwise he would never have been able to find those words. Rainer Maria Rilke
Sunday, August 29, 2010
Asking for prayers
Dear Friends,
Chemo #4 is Tuesday. How the time FLIES...
How thankful I am to all you who are helping, in ways that might seem small to you but they are HUGE MOUNTAINS of LOVE AND KINDNESS to me and to Mike. Every word, e-mail, phone message, meal, flower, prayer, mall walk, walk anywhere, devoting days to me, lunch, tea, hand sanitizer packets, air aromatherapy, car ride, soup, book, pashmina, movies, etc are beautiful times for me to see God's love in action. And I know this is tiring, as this has been going on since the end of April.
But you guys are all so good to hang in there with me! It is as if each kindness is a flower, and all together they compose the most beautiful bouquet, or really a breath-taking field of wildflowers.
I am asking once again for your prayers for me (and Mike) tomorrow:
- Dr. M decides tomorrow whether this is the last chemo or we do 2 more, please ask the Holy Spirit give him discernment (then comes radiation)
- That the Chemo drugs do their job killing every single errant cell in my body
- That my body stay strong and functioning
- Mike (my one and only caregiver this time) has a really busy day job right now too, so may Jesus lighten his yoke and grant him peace that passes understanding
- May my eyes stay focused on Jesus
Thank you again, dear ones. Ever Onward and Upward...
Chemo #4 is Tuesday. How the time FLIES...
How thankful I am to all you who are helping, in ways that might seem small to you but they are HUGE MOUNTAINS of LOVE AND KINDNESS to me and to Mike. Every word, e-mail, phone message, meal, flower, prayer, mall walk, walk anywhere, devoting days to me, lunch, tea, hand sanitizer packets, air aromatherapy, car ride, soup, book, pashmina, movies, etc are beautiful times for me to see God's love in action. And I know this is tiring, as this has been going on since the end of April.
But you guys are all so good to hang in there with me! It is as if each kindness is a flower, and all together they compose the most beautiful bouquet, or really a breath-taking field of wildflowers.
I am asking once again for your prayers for me (and Mike) tomorrow:
- Dr. M decides tomorrow whether this is the last chemo or we do 2 more, please ask the Holy Spirit give him discernment (then comes radiation)
- That the Chemo drugs do their job killing every single errant cell in my body
- That my body stay strong and functioning
- Mike (my one and only caregiver this time) has a really busy day job right now too, so may Jesus lighten his yoke and grant him peace that passes understanding
- May my eyes stay focused on Jesus
Thank you again, dear ones. Ever Onward and Upward...
Thursday, August 19, 2010
Set your mind on things above
Colossians 3:
Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things.
Philippians 4:
(Follows the "do not be anxious" verses)
Finally, brothers,
whatever is true,
whatever is noble,
whatever is right,
whatever is pure,
whatever is lovely,
whatever is admirable—
if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—
think about such things.
Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—
put it into practice.
And the God of peace will be with you.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Been spending a lot of time thinking. Reflecting. The life of the mind.
It's an interesting phenomenon, how each of us can distract our own attention by social activity or turning on the television. We can go through a whole day and not have very many thoughts of our own.
Wake up - IPOD's on with music. Mind is thinking of what to make for breakfast. Then boom, pick up the remote control and turn on the television. Walk into the bathroom, boom there's a second television turned on. Go into the kitchen for breakfast, pick up the newspaper, turn on the laptop, or boom, another television. The brain, and the spirit, are getting bombarded with outside thoughts and images. And how neat if you pick up your daily devotional and go to the date, read it out loud to everyone, quick prayer and run out the door to the car, where the radio goes on immediately. In your mind, you are listing the things you need to not forget to do that day.
For me, in the above scenario, I can barely hear my own thoughts. I wouldn't be able to hear anything God was saying, even if He were yelling, so certainly not a whisper.
So now, with a much quieter, gentler pace, and we don't turn on televisions until late afternoon or evening anyway, I am hearing more of my own thoughts. I know I want to keep them positive. Sometimes it is difficult to keep your thoughts positive when you are physically hurting, or scared.
What is keeping me positive?
It is so important to me to know I have friends and family who are praying for me. Who want the best for me. Who love me. That to me is the most important thing. I draw on your faith in my healing and your love and the multitude of ways you have shown you are walking this with me. Phrases from cards and e-mails and voice mails bubble up -
-- We are not quitters
-- I don't know of anyone better to do this than you
-- Some days there won't be a song. Sing anyway!
-- Grip our Lord's hand tightly
-- Lean on God now with all your strength, He will carry you
-- Gute Besserung
-- Make no mistake about it, you will beat this!
-- This is a pothole, you can't get around it but you will plow through it.
-- We're gonna be really cool old ladies!
-- You are cared about more than you realize.
I trust God, and accept He has healed me and the process is in motion. The chemo drugs are little tornadoes that scour my body looking for and smashing to pieces any cancer cells.
I have another biopsy on Monday, which I already know God has dealt with. Please pray for me for Monday, for Dr. R who will do the biopsy, and for complete healing! THANK YOU!
Back to positive thoughts, which goes right to the phrase that hit me early on in this adventure- Feed the faith and starve the doubt. Positive thoughts. I have no appetite for crime shows on television any more. Used to love an episode of Law and Order or Numbers. Entourage and Mad Men used to be recorded and watched, but either I have changed or they have changed. I watched an episode of Entourage and it was disgusting. Mad Men is so sad and dark.
You know what I love. Seinfeld. Its a tradition now. We have dinner and maybe take our Basset Hound on a little stroll around the block. Then back to the air conditioning to read, play Scrabble or Blokus on the IPAD. Then the cup of Chamomile tea, and an episode or two of Seinfeld. I love them. Even when I know what is going to happen, they make me laugh.
I asked at lunch two weeks ago, what songs did people play to make them happy, and the winners are:
Its a Wonderful World (Louie Armstrong)
I'm Yours (Jack Johnson)
Celebrate Good Times
Can't Live Without You
For All We Know
Kokomo
Jersey Boys
Abba
Vivaldi Four Seasons
500 Miles (the Proclaimers)
As for me, what songs are my playlist of what I play when I need a boost towards the positive?
Lifesong, and Father Spirit Jesus - Casting Crowns
Three Little Birds - Bob Marley
Hallelujah - Jeff Buckley
Amazing - Seal
Made to Love - TobyMac
Where the Streets have no name and Beautiful Day and Magnificent - U2
Walking on Sunshine - KC
Here Comes the Sun - Beatles
On the Beach- Chris Rhea
Positive thoughts.
-- Reading Your Healing is Within You, by Jim Glennon. Mike read this over and over years ago when he was diagnosed with lymphoma. It is a book to read over and over. -I'm reading a Henri Nouwen daily devotional. And a Sarah Young devotional.
-- Hebrews 11 and 12, this has been my go-to part of the bible since high school. They all had faith. They were "in it to win it". They kept their eyes fixed on Jesus. And on our God, the consuming fire, the God whose kingdom can not be shaken.
-- Centering Prayer. Ever heard of this? Praying without words so much, listening and just being with God.
-- Funny movies. Johnny Depp's Don Juan de Marco and Benny and Joon, Somethings Gotta Give, Animal House.
-- Redirect my thoughts. Whenever a negative thought, a doubt comes across my consciousness, grab it and lift it up to Jesus. He will take it away. Then I grab onto His hand.
I know it is the Holy Spirit in me that will guide my thoughts. I pray that they always be certain on the healing issue. I pray to increase my belief in my healing. I pray to keep me focused on Jesus. I know I cannot do any of this on my own, but I can do all of it through Him.
Off to mall walk.
Making sure that all day long, I keep my mind focused on Jesus and on things above. Be in the world, but not of the world.. One day at a time!
Romans 12:
And do not be conformed to this world,
but be transformed by the renewing of your mind,
so that you may prove what the will of God is,
that which is
good
and acceptable
and perfect.
Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things.
Philippians 4:
(Follows the "do not be anxious" verses)
Finally, brothers,
whatever is true,
whatever is noble,
whatever is right,
whatever is pure,
whatever is lovely,
whatever is admirable—
if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—
think about such things.
Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—
put it into practice.
And the God of peace will be with you.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Been spending a lot of time thinking. Reflecting. The life of the mind.
It's an interesting phenomenon, how each of us can distract our own attention by social activity or turning on the television. We can go through a whole day and not have very many thoughts of our own.
Wake up - IPOD's on with music. Mind is thinking of what to make for breakfast. Then boom, pick up the remote control and turn on the television. Walk into the bathroom, boom there's a second television turned on. Go into the kitchen for breakfast, pick up the newspaper, turn on the laptop, or boom, another television. The brain, and the spirit, are getting bombarded with outside thoughts and images. And how neat if you pick up your daily devotional and go to the date, read it out loud to everyone, quick prayer and run out the door to the car, where the radio goes on immediately. In your mind, you are listing the things you need to not forget to do that day.
For me, in the above scenario, I can barely hear my own thoughts. I wouldn't be able to hear anything God was saying, even if He were yelling, so certainly not a whisper.
So now, with a much quieter, gentler pace, and we don't turn on televisions until late afternoon or evening anyway, I am hearing more of my own thoughts. I know I want to keep them positive. Sometimes it is difficult to keep your thoughts positive when you are physically hurting, or scared.
What is keeping me positive?
It is so important to me to know I have friends and family who are praying for me. Who want the best for me. Who love me. That to me is the most important thing. I draw on your faith in my healing and your love and the multitude of ways you have shown you are walking this with me. Phrases from cards and e-mails and voice mails bubble up -
-- We are not quitters
-- I don't know of anyone better to do this than you
-- Some days there won't be a song. Sing anyway!
-- Grip our Lord's hand tightly
-- Lean on God now with all your strength, He will carry you
-- Gute Besserung
-- Make no mistake about it, you will beat this!
-- This is a pothole, you can't get around it but you will plow through it.
-- We're gonna be really cool old ladies!
-- You are cared about more than you realize.
I trust God, and accept He has healed me and the process is in motion. The chemo drugs are little tornadoes that scour my body looking for and smashing to pieces any cancer cells.
I have another biopsy on Monday, which I already know God has dealt with. Please pray for me for Monday, for Dr. R who will do the biopsy, and for complete healing! THANK YOU!
Back to positive thoughts, which goes right to the phrase that hit me early on in this adventure- Feed the faith and starve the doubt. Positive thoughts. I have no appetite for crime shows on television any more. Used to love an episode of Law and Order or Numbers. Entourage and Mad Men used to be recorded and watched, but either I have changed or they have changed. I watched an episode of Entourage and it was disgusting. Mad Men is so sad and dark.
You know what I love. Seinfeld. Its a tradition now. We have dinner and maybe take our Basset Hound on a little stroll around the block. Then back to the air conditioning to read, play Scrabble or Blokus on the IPAD. Then the cup of Chamomile tea, and an episode or two of Seinfeld. I love them. Even when I know what is going to happen, they make me laugh.
I asked at lunch two weeks ago, what songs did people play to make them happy, and the winners are:
Its a Wonderful World (Louie Armstrong)
I'm Yours (Jack Johnson)
Celebrate Good Times
Can't Live Without You
For All We Know
Kokomo
Jersey Boys
Abba
Vivaldi Four Seasons
500 Miles (the Proclaimers)
As for me, what songs are my playlist of what I play when I need a boost towards the positive?
Lifesong, and Father Spirit Jesus - Casting Crowns
Three Little Birds - Bob Marley
Hallelujah - Jeff Buckley
Amazing - Seal
Made to Love - TobyMac
Where the Streets have no name and Beautiful Day and Magnificent - U2
Walking on Sunshine - KC
Here Comes the Sun - Beatles
On the Beach- Chris Rhea
Positive thoughts.
-- Reading Your Healing is Within You, by Jim Glennon. Mike read this over and over years ago when he was diagnosed with lymphoma. It is a book to read over and over. -I'm reading a Henri Nouwen daily devotional. And a Sarah Young devotional.
-- Hebrews 11 and 12, this has been my go-to part of the bible since high school. They all had faith. They were "in it to win it". They kept their eyes fixed on Jesus. And on our God, the consuming fire, the God whose kingdom can not be shaken.
-- Centering Prayer. Ever heard of this? Praying without words so much, listening and just being with God.
-- Funny movies. Johnny Depp's Don Juan de Marco and Benny and Joon, Somethings Gotta Give, Animal House.
-- Redirect my thoughts. Whenever a negative thought, a doubt comes across my consciousness, grab it and lift it up to Jesus. He will take it away. Then I grab onto His hand.
I know it is the Holy Spirit in me that will guide my thoughts. I pray that they always be certain on the healing issue. I pray to increase my belief in my healing. I pray to keep me focused on Jesus. I know I cannot do any of this on my own, but I can do all of it through Him.
Off to mall walk.
Making sure that all day long, I keep my mind focused on Jesus and on things above. Be in the world, but not of the world.. One day at a time!
Romans 12:
And do not be conformed to this world,
but be transformed by the renewing of your mind,
so that you may prove what the will of God is,
that which is
good
and acceptable
and perfect.
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
Chemo # 3
It's time for another jump into healing!
Thank you Lord for Docetaxol and Cyclophosphamide (the two chemo drugs) and how they will zip around my body today and kill all those new/fast growing cells..
Thank you for the Dexamethasone and Benedryl that prevent damage to the good parts of my body.
Thank you for the Avelox that is zapping my ex-sinus infection.
Thank you for the healing I have seen in my throat, and from surgery.
Thank you for the doctors and nurses and acupuncture, all the people and technology you provide for us.
Thank you for Mike and S right here, right now, with me.
Thank you for Corey, Mack, Tray and their loving hearts.
Thank you for all the community of friends you have surrounded me with. Their love and compassion (and food and conversations and e-mails and cards and prayers) are overwhelmingly fantabulous (that really should be a word, don't you think?)
Thank you for the community who is praying for me. I don't know all of them for I have been told I am on many prayer lists. But I know prayer works.
May all those who are supporting me, be blessed by you Lord. May they have an extra portion of your peace and joy today. They are faithful, they have believing hearts and trusting spirits. They are putting into action your words:
Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made know to God.
And the peace of God, which passes all comprehension, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4
This is our family of five in Miami back in January.
Yes, Mack is eating dinner out of a wooden duck, Mike's was served in an iron pig, Tray has lobster mac and cheese, Corey's is served in some sort of an upside down hat.
I had hair.
This was a really fun dinner, eccentric with creative and delicious food.
We will be back...
This is our family of five in Miami back in January. Yes, Mack is eating dinner out of a wooden duck, Mike's was served in an iron pig, Tray has lobster mac and cheese, Corey's is served in some sort of an upside down hat. I had hair. This was a really fun dinner, eccentric with creative and delicious food. Barton G. We will be back...
Thank you Lord for Docetaxol and Cyclophosphamide (the two chemo drugs) and how they will zip around my body today and kill all those new/fast growing cells..
Thank you for the Dexamethasone and Benedryl that prevent damage to the good parts of my body.
Thank you for the Avelox that is zapping my ex-sinus infection.
Thank you for the healing I have seen in my throat, and from surgery.
Thank you for the doctors and nurses and acupuncture, all the people and technology you provide for us.
Thank you for Mike and S right here, right now, with me.
Thank you for Corey, Mack, Tray and their loving hearts.
Thank you for all the community of friends you have surrounded me with. Their love and compassion (and food and conversations and e-mails and cards and prayers) are overwhelmingly fantabulous (that really should be a word, don't you think?)
Thank you for the community who is praying for me. I don't know all of them for I have been told I am on many prayer lists. But I know prayer works.
May all those who are supporting me, be blessed by you Lord. May they have an extra portion of your peace and joy today. They are faithful, they have believing hearts and trusting spirits. They are putting into action your words:
Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made know to God.
And the peace of God, which passes all comprehension, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4
This is our family of five in Miami back in January.
Yes, Mack is eating dinner out of a wooden duck, Mike's was served in an iron pig, Tray has lobster mac and cheese, Corey's is served in some sort of an upside down hat.
I had hair.
This was a really fun dinner, eccentric with creative and delicious food.
We will be back...
This is our family of five in Miami back in January. Yes, Mack is eating dinner out of a wooden duck, Mike's was served in an iron pig, Tray has lobster mac and cheese, Corey's is served in some sort of an upside down hat. I had hair. This was a really fun dinner, eccentric with creative and delicious food. Barton G. We will be back...
Sunday, August 8, 2010
Listen and Cooperate
Proverbs 3: 5,6
Trust in the LORD with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways acknowledge him,
and he will make your paths straight.
for this sermon says, God is less interested in what we are doing than in who we are becoming. Mull that one over while you cook dinner tonight.
I used to think that there were lessons I needed to learn in events. You know, why do bad things happen to good people? Why do we fail sometimes? Then it hit me, first of all, not every event (good or bad) is about me. Maybe something happens because God is working in their lives, and I am a bystander. Secondly, I might not be learning a lesson, God might be working on my character, or refining me in a way I will never know. But He knows.
God is interested in who I am, not as much as the actions outside but the love inside.
Discerning God's Will was a question I have asked of people. HOW DO YOU KNOW GOD"S WILL. For me, He gives me peace. Not just that feeling of "If it feels good, do it", but the peace that settles right into me, into my thoughts, my heart, my spirit. I am settled in my thoughts , in prayer, in going into the Bible. Peace is there.
I ask Mike and I ask friends (who I respect, choose who you ask carefully.)
I read the bible.
I pray.
I ask a minister (on big issues.)
But the absolute way I know a decision is what God wants is, He gives me peace. I feel settled. I think around the issue, and the negatives are not there or fade into the background verses the positives. It makes sense in light of God's strategic plan for me. I don't always have knowledge of God's will right away... but eventually it comes.
Do you start walking, and then hope you are on the right path? Or do you pray, wait until God shows you the path, then start walking? I think it is a little of both. I need to be in line and infused with God's spirit, which takes being still and looking to Him. Then I take that first step. He is so powerful that if I am wrong he will correct me. I don't want to be too still and not do anything for Him. But don't want to be too jumpy and busy and not do what He wants. It is a balance. Isn't that the answer to so many questions....
I am certain that if I choose against God's will, He loves me so much that He will somehow pick me up and put me back on the path He knows is the best one. I am also certain that it will be easier for me if I choose in line with God's will the first time. A huge incentive to do the work on the front end.
When I know His will, I listen to it, and I try to cooperate with it.
If its not what I want to do, I ask Him to change my heart. And He will. He's awesome, isn't He?
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