Chemo #5 - How and Why

Today is Chemo #5. I don't feel as anxious as numbers 1 through 4. YEAH!

That being said, Mike and I were both awake at 4:30 AM, stretching our backs, talking about Psalm 23, just talking. So I decided to bake blueberry-mango-walnut muffins (as I won't want to smell cooking for at least a week), and he decided to go out for his pretty much daily walk around the lake. Three and a quarter miles.

Totally off the subject - There are about eighty street lights on this walk around the lake, and seventeen went out as he approached them this morning. Does this ever happen to you? It ALWAYS does to Mike. We walk Sporty around the block, pass fifteen streetlights around our block, and three to five will go out every time. Out for just a few minutes, then back on. Ideas?

Back on track...

Dear dear friends, could you pray:

1. That all the renegade cancer cells in my body be killed and swept out by the chemo drugs today, and by my white blood cells

2. For protection for my healthy body from chemo's side effects, particularly my bone marrow and nervous system and heart.

3. That Mike be comforted and guided by God's presence in his life. (he has a lot on his plate, including me.)

Thank you for your steadfastness in prayer for us. I wrote in an earlier blog, this is the twenty mile mark of a marathon. It is definitely tiresome. But it is not me who needs to be strong, I just need to know where my strength comes from... PHEW!

I am just breathless from all of your kindnesses! Two mall walkings with L and B, then PF Changs lunch with D and S, I think they have lunched with me on the Monday before all 5 chemos... isn't that cool?

Today I have PF Changs lunch with some more loyal friends, and then chemo #5... Wednesday B is in charge of me, taking me to mall walk then CPK lunch is the plan. Thursday Corey and B and Mike take over, then Friday I think I will just stay put. What a wonderful week... Oh did I mention soup and dinners delivered all week? I am a PRINCESS, that's what I feel like!

How and Why.

I have forever been fascinated with the HOW of things, not quite as much the WHY. Oh I would like to know the WHY, but I do know that there are some WHY's I just won't know here on earth. I'll be darned if I let that worry me. But the HOW, that's another story. Wanting to know the HOW is what fueled my lifelong fascination with science. Don't you just look around and wonder - HOW did that get that way, HOW was it made, HOW do I get to my goal, HOW did that happen?

How did I get Invasive Ductal Carcinoma Stage 2?

How, I have some thoughts. And this in no way is laying blame on anyone, including not on me or God.  And I am not a doctor. Just my thoughts.

It is a thought in the Cancer World that some event happened about two years before a cancer is large enough to diagnose. That event is traumatic for you, and you need to process it for healing to take place thoroughly, probably forgiveness is involved. Yep, two years ago I can pinpoint two events where I needed to forgive myself and others. Unforgiveness and stress put so much pressure on your soul that your immune system isn't functioning at top speed.  It isn't able to kill the random mutant cells we all have a handful of in our bodies at any given time. Most most most of the time our immune system pretty easily zaps them. Not when you are under heavy stress, or carrying baggage.

I went to Fr. D at our old church, asked him to help me pray for forgiveness. He did. I have not asked for someone to pray with me often. I know each of us has a line straight to God's ear and we don't need others to pray. But sometimes there is an issue so weighty or confusing that I know I will benefit from someone who has been down this road before, helping me out. Ministers really do care about each of us.  They aren't just the guys (or gals) leading the Sunday services. The other six days of the week they care about us too.

Also, we ( me and a series of doctors) have been trying to figure out for two years why I had all of a sudden growths on my thyroid glands. Well, I started out at a doctor that specialized in woman's hormones, she put me on thyroid medicine for the first time, and also on a very high level of estrogen, progesterone, and some other hormones. 

When she did blood work, she wanted my estrogen and progesterone to be above the normal levels, which I questioned. She was adamant, that the normal levels cited on the lab sheet were too low. So she put me on much higher doses of estrogen and progesterone etc. Said that would improve all my hormone levels (including thyroid). This was new to me. Looking at my family history, heart disease has been an issue. No one has had breast cancer. So she wanted to protect my heart more than worry about breast cancer.

It was compounded estrogen and progesterone, which I now know meant there wasn't good quality control in the actual amounts I was getting. I tell you, my breasts were sore and tender for weeks. This concerned me, so I asked her. She said it was the normal reaction. After six months I switched to another doctor, I had been sore and tender for too long and I wasn't comfortable with the hormones overall.

The Invasive Ductal Carcinoma I had was determined to be both estrogen and progesterone fed. I'm not a doctor but it seems pretty clear to me that the  large doses of hormones encouraged a little cancer spot that  my body might have removed on its own, to break out of the milk duct walls and spread to the surrounding tissue, and then to the lymph node. We all have a few cancer cells in us, our body's immune system zaps them.

So there I was, needing to forgive, stressed out, and pumped up with hormones. I have forgiven, and am enjoying time of quiet when I ask the Lord to search me and find all else that needs dealing with. Why didn't I deal with those issues right away? Instead I put them in a box, up on a shelf for processing in a future date. I was too busy. (NEVER DO I WANT TO SAY THOSE WORDS AGAIN AS AN EXCUSE FOR ANYTHING.) That is our normal reaction, too busy to deal with the soul issues thoroughly.

I have said the before, and I bet I will say this again. Why do we spend so little time each day tending to the one part of us that is going to last for eternity, our souls? Today's success orientated society looks askance at people who just think, who take time to relax, who aren't on the fast track, who can look at the ocean for hours on end. Meditation. Prayer? That's time getting to know God. Talking to Him. And we squeeze it in early morning and late evening.

Mike and I are slowly redirecting to reduce stress. Don't need to jump, just slowly.. It's a process.

I am off the hormones as of when I had the biopsy. Love the hot flashes (they remind me I am not feeding cancer anymore!!!)

With all that being said, I also think there is an element of, It just happened. Somethings good, or bad, just happen because that is the way the universe is rolling. I don't want to place blame on me or anyone for any cancer. It is far far far more important what you do after you are diagnosed, I feel.

Why did I get Invasive Ductal Carcinoma Stage 2?

I absolutely know that God didn't give me this cancer. He doesn't do things like that. He is good, all the time.

I absolutely know that He is using this time to redirect me towards Him. To calm me down, get the busy out of my life so I can listen to Him and learn.  Learn who I am to be, what I am to do, what parts of me that need to change. And also, just rest. Restore. Relax. Renew. Redirect. Re-devote. Re-evaluate. Recognize. Refresh. All the re's...

The WHY isn't finished being answered.  You see some good outcomes in the Monday Morning quarterback mode. Inside and afterward, you can see so much positive coming out of this. 

I might sound wacky, but my body does has such intelligence. It knows what it needs, if I listen. Perhaps my eyes and thoughts needed to be turned inside for my long term good. I wasn't doing that on my own. Survival is a powerful force.

I want to figure out how to get all the positive, without the cancer next time! That's my assignment, how to live in God's presence every day, all day long. How to listen to His voice, and let Him restore my soul, every day. He wants to, I know that.

The 23rd Psalm is awesome. More on that in a later blog. The part that is germane to this entry is that at first God talks about restoring ME (verses 1 -3a), then after my soul is restored, He will guide me down those paths of righteousness for His name's sake. Yep, got to get right with God before you can go out and do His work. Sometimes getting right with God is walking through the valley of the shadow of death. It's worth it.

So this is redirecting me for whatever He wants. I knew from the beginning that God is stirring Mike and I up, and well, let's see what happens!

Everyone who has and is showering Mike and I with kindness, you all have had sadness and difficulty. You know, you get it. Thank you so much for making our days full of light and laughter and all things good, through this sometimes rocky adventure... THANK YOU!!!!

Do not believe that he who seeks to comfort you lives untroubled among the simple and quiet words that sometimes do you good. His life has much difficulty... Were it otherwise he would never have been able to find those words.     Rainer Maria Rilke

Details of Chemo #4 - Love is present!

I am a strong willed person. The Friday after Chemo #4 at noon, it took all of my will to get up out of bed. This noon moment Friday was the worst physically I felt of all this adventure.

I am also a person constantly amazed and thankful at how joy can bubble up when you least expect it. The Friday after Chemo #4 after dinner, I could not stop a few tears of joy as I lay on the sofa listening to all four of my family in the kitchen cleaning up after dinner, for a full forty five minutes, laughing and talking and laughing. This after dinner moment Friday was the best moment for my spirit of all this adventure, one of the top ten moments of my whole life perhaps!

You know how you want to capture a moment, put it in a bottle so you can open it up in the future to savor it again? That was Friday night. The sound of laughter. Laughter is just the best thing ever. When you hear it, it is contagious. It comes in waves. Peals of laughter.

And each of them has a different laugh, I know their sounds so well. These were belly laughs, some put your head back and let it out laughs, stop what you are doing and turn and look and laugh.

I was exhausted from sitting up at the dining table for thirty minutes, so after we ate a delicious meal cooked by a dear friend, I shuffled to my sofa in the living room, got under my quilt and let my heart race on while my body just sank into stillness. Mack, Tray, Corey and Mike all were cleaning up. I could hear the tone of their voices in the kitchen. Couldn't make out any words, just the tone, like someone talking under water. I could hear the dishwasher opening, the sink being turned on to rinse, the refrigerator door opening, storage containers being taken out, plastic wrap drawer opening up. You know the sounds of your own kitchen, I could picture each of them in there. Someone eating one more spoonful of mashed potatoes, someone else tossing the plastic wrap box up in the air and catching it while talking.

One or two of them were talking at a time, then a slight hesitation, and one laughs first, then they all laugh. It quiets down, the conversation(s) start up again, and another wave of laughter. A follow up comment, and another wave of laughter. It went on and on. Not an efficient clean up operation, but that wasn't the point. It was a family, it was love. And I was just soaking it in.

How can you not just lie there thanking God that He has given you this family? I thought of how Mike and I met in a physics lab in college. Two nerdy kids. And how God had patience with us to bring us together (I'll tell that story later, for those of you who don't know). Then came Mack, then Corey. Two awesome sons. Mack brought us Tray. An awesome daughter. They are thoughtful, kind, with loving hearts and they act out their compassion. Look, they all came to dinner last night (Mack and Tray from Asheville) to wrap their arms around Mike and I and love us.

So, on the worst day came the best moment. Isn't God just so cool to do that? He knew I needed it right then. God provides. He provides even when we don't ask.

I will tell you, I am writing this Monday. I have been really too tired to sit and type until now. And I didn't realize the worst/ best moment connection until yesterday (Sunday.) I didn't realize it Friday night, I was just surviving. I didn't realize it Saturday, still surviving. And Sunday I was rebuilding. Sorting through the weekend. Mack and Tray left for home Sunday, I was still tired. As all things go, I was sad to have them leave, missed them and Corey and the upbeat atmosphere of having so many people who love us here in the house. That's human nature, to be missing them so intensely then. I burst into tears at one point to Mike Sunday night, why does this have to be so hard? A few minutes of tears and hugs, and then its so cool, God reaches down and picks us up and we are embraced by His loving arms. As in Psalm 23, He restores my soul.

What causes this joy, this happiness, this peace, this contentment?

It is the gift of presence. That's what I think. It is not just quality time, or saying the perfect words. It is not anything about being perfect. It is about the presence of love. The presence of God. The presence of those who love you. The presence of kind messages, thoughtful gifts, food, prayers.

It is the gift of presence of love.

We are not perfect, so our love will not be perfect. But you and I both know when love is evident. When love is being offered and given freely, with no thought to what is gotten back in return. Even though love is never perfect, it is the MOST WONDERFUL THING!!!

That's what I was feeling Friday night, the presence of love.


Mack and Tray decided to surprise Mike and drive down for a two night visit,from Asheville, with their bulldog Dwight Howard. I was in on this surprise, and tried my best to keep it a surprise. I think I did! They arrived at lunchtime Friday, walked into our house while Mike and I were sitting at the dining table. (Mike had come home from work to see me at lunchtime.) He was so surprised, he jumped up and hugged them and you know those times, you all keep repeating how you planned it and here they are and as parents, we just keep staring at them and smiling... these are our kids and look how they are adults and so darned mature and caring! I slept all afternoon, Corey joined us for dinner, and, well, you know the rest of Friday night's story...

Saturday was watching college football, me napping on and off. Some of Corey's friends were down from Atlanta, asked if they could just say hello. Isn't that amazingly wonderful? So I had another five minutes of hugs and encouragement. Taylor joined in, and I was able to nap on the sofa, hearing Mike, Mack, Corey, Tray and T all talk about all that football stuff.

Just being here. With my kids and husband.

Is this the joy God feels when we are with Him?

I have heard some people say they just don't know what to say or do, but they wish me well. No one knows for sure what the right word or action is. We are all guessing to a certain extent. Some guesses are more educated than others. The point is, show love in your words and actions. And the bigger point is, it is the LOVE that matters, not the words or the action. Sometimes it is just being there with someone that matters. Or leaving an encouraging message. God will guide you.

I have been so comforted by repeating Psalm 23 over and over and over. David doesn't fear evil in the valley because of what? for you are with me. Simply God being with him is enough.

Well, God is with each of us, every second of every day. His presence is right here. He never leaves us, neither slumbers nor sleeps, watches over us. He waits for us to turn to Him, He whispers to us, guides us.

We can feel the presence of His love, more perfect than that of my family laughing in the kitchen, every moment of our lives. We just need to listen for it.



Just have to show this photo. This is Howard, waiting at the bottom of the stairs for Tray or Mack to descend. He can sit like this for an hour waiting. That's how much he wants just to be with them.
---------------------------------------------------------------
---------------------------------------------------------------

Details of Chemo #4 for those who want to know...

This was the hardest one on my body, and I have been actively thinking of how to make Chemo #5 easier on me. I have some ideas.

But yes you read that correctly! I will do two more. My blood counts are doing well. My White Blood Count are normal, my Red Blood Cells are slightly, tiny bit below normal. So Dr. M's advice was to do 6. Onward and upward we go!

I was floating on the laughter and prayers of friends Tuesday, having had lunch with 7 fantastic friends at PF Changs before chemo. I fell asleep during chemo for the first time, was so tired I couldn't keep my eyes opened and I started slurring my words while sitting there! Nurses are so kind. It makes sense to me to keep my feet and hands cold, to minimize nerve damage there similar to eating ice chips to minimize mouth sores. So I kept my feet and hands out of the blanket. Falling asleep, I didn't keep my mouth cold and I have had metal mouth, which is going away. It tastes like I am biting down on a bicycle handlebar, not that I would know what that feels like.... Delicious dinner with M and J enfolding us with love.

Wednesday I did my Millenia Mall walk with L, M and B. Great Thai Crunch Salad at CPK, and then home to nap. Thursday I had the Neuplasta shot and acupuncture in the afternoon, ferried by L. Feeling very tired in the afternoon. Friday I just couldn't get up. Every inch of my muscles ached, my lymph nodes were all tender and sore, headache, nausea present. I know this will pass, you just have to get through it. Right through it, through the middle. I drank lots of water with slight flavor (lemon, pomegranate, mango), did my L-glutamine powder, took an Epsom Salt bath for the muscle aches. Saturday was better, Saturday night I had the restless legs during the night, where your leg muscles just want to flex constantly. Only one night. Sunday I was even better, Mack and Tray provided a delicious dinner, and here we are on Monday, I've been sitting up for 2 hours, only slight aches, lymph nodes barely tender. Okie-dokie, we are going to get revved up for the next one! Corey is bringing dinner tonight, and we will watch Boise State versus Va Tech. A perfect evening!

For Chemo #5, I think I will not exercise as much on Thursday, just do gentle walking. And eat milder food Thursday night, so my digestive system is ready for Friday. I am downloading Anne Lamott's book Grace Eventually/ Thoughts on Faith so I can listen to that all day Friday (keeps me distracted and upbeat.)

Most importantly, I am asking God to relieve the side effects for Chemo #5, that my body will stay healthier while the chemo is attacking and whisking away any errant cancer cells left in my body. My prayers with yours, we have this one in the bag!

Thank you dear ones, your loyalty takes my breath away. MUCH LOVE, sara