Completed

This blog is completed. I'm in a new part of life ... wellness!

If you want to start this blog at the beginning, nine months ago, click here and follow me along the path.

I have written my thoughts and actions of the past nine months as a web log.

This blog starts when I was diagnosed with Stage 2 Ductal Cell Carcinoma breast cancer ...  that started in my left breast and spread through my left armpit lymph nodes. 

This blog journeys through the treatments of surgery, surgery, chemos, radiations. I didn't include the final surgery.

This blog ends with the start of a new chapter in my life, jumping into HEALTHY! Mind, body and spirit. This new chapter, well, let's hope it is a really, really, really long one.

All the best to you, dear readers.

Travel Safely into the Unknown

Fear is thinking that the future will not be good. (my definition)
Fear is a distressing emotion aroused by a perceived threat. (dictionary definition)

Pink from Tuesday

I have tried to cast off the mantle of fear all my life, ever since I can remember thinking thoughts. Fear of no one liking me, fear of will I get into college, will I graduate, does he love me, will I be alone, will my baby be healthy, will he follow God, will he choose the narrow road, can I walk the narrow road, will I be alive next year...

Would you want to have a written schedule for your entire life, telling you what choices to make each day? You check your schedule right after waking up - today do yoga, then grocery shop, call Mary and then sign up for the photography class. Then after lunch you go to your desk .... follow the schedule.

First of all, I would be a little freaked out having a written schedule appear every morning on my bedside table. WHERE DID THIS COME FROM?

No, you don't want to be told everything, just the big things.  You want to plan your fun minutes, and let God take care of the serious moments.

Well, it doesn't work that way. Every hour in our day is what makes us who we are, they bundle together to create us. The hours congregate to form our days, which all strung together forms our lives, our souls and bodies.

If we had that schedule laid out for us every day, we wouldn't need to keep our eyes focused on God all day long.We would keep our eyes on the schedule. The key to life abundant and joyful, my friend, is keeping our eyes on God.

Keep your eyes on God, lean into Him, stay in the light of His presence. Sounds so easy.  But the trick is, you don't just do it once, you have to keep choosing to do it every minute of every day. Just like holding in your abs while you do yoga. If you don't think about it even for two seconds, they release. HA!
Keep your eyes on God, then fear is a non-issue.

Follow God's will. Oh yes, really simple eh? But what are the details of doing just that. Ask people how they know what is God's will for them.  I have been asking people for decades.  I want to know. How do you know?

Mankind has been struggling with knowing God's will for over five thousand years, so I do not pretend that I can solve this for everyone. I am working on figuring it out, life is a journey. "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways," declares the LORD. Isaiah 55

We have the Bible, inspired by His Spirit. Any choice I make won't go against the Bible. Not nitpicking the words, but the wisdom imparted in the pages.

We have prayer and meditation, listening to Him and talking with Him. BE STILL.

We have other people who walk closely with Him to shed light on our path when our flashlight battery is flickering.  These advisers I choose carefully. We have churches, communities of others who are trying to walk a similar path as us.

We have the peace of the Holy Spirit inside us, that grows and flourishes when we are walking in the path God intended for us. And feels prickly to me when I am straying.

Good news, God loves me so much that when I veer off the path, He will do all He can to redirect me and get me back on track. Even let me get cancer. That's a lot of love.  He loves you everlastingly too.

So how will I stay on this path from here on out? By looking upwards, every step of the way. I can't do it by myself. Trust that He loves me so much that He will gently show me the way.  Be Still and Know that He is God.

This was handwritten on a slip of paper found in one of Mike's Great-Grandmother's Bibles upstairs in her home in Midland Michigan. It is part of a poem by Louise Haskins, quoted by King Edward in 1937 in his Christmas radio address. It is beautiful. It hit me when I found it in her bible ten years ago, and it still stirs me.

I said to the man who stood at the gate of the year
Give me light that I may travel safely into the unknown.

And He replied,

Go out into the darkness
and put your hand into the hand of God.

That shall be to you better than light
          and safer than a known way.

His Majesty, King Edward of England 1937

Unsettled

Two more radiations. Then I take an Arimidex pill (a generic of it) daily for the next five years.

Last night I lay in bed thinking, I should feel like jumping up and down and celebrating. Instead I feel a bit unsettled. What's this all about? Is this strange?

Ever feel like this at the end of a long-term tough time? Unsettled.

Well, first of all I am tired and blistered. Certainly throws clouds into your thoughts.

But here's what I think. I've been fighting a battle against a known enemy, tumor in the breast, tumor in the lymph nodes. We've been using tried and true heavy duty weapons like surgery, chemo and radiation. An arsenal of weapons against a tiny group of mutated cells. Statistically, they had little chance to make it through. eight months of full-on attack.

Now we are approaching a new stage. Putting away those big guns because the cancer cells are gone (standing firm on that one), need to rebuild from the collateral damage done to my healthy body over the last eight months of warfare.

There's no doctor to lead you on this path. You are on your own. Doctors focus on fixing a problem, not on maintaining wellness. I get the arm port out in January, I see the oncologist in April, and the radiology oncologist in April. They think I will have a mammogram in April. They will see me annually for five years. That's it. Slam, bam, thank you ma'am.

It's the change from front line battle under the direction of the five star general, to returning to normalcy making sure to reinvent enough of the structure of everyday life to prevent another uprising.

It's the change from full time eradicating cancer using the tested protocols dictated by doctors, to returning to normalcy making sure I redirect enough of my everyday life to prevent cancer from returning.

I see this, I am now on my own. NO WAIT, not true. Who is always with me, the Lord. Who will speak to me, guide me, promises He will meet my every need? The Lord. Who has been there every step of the way for eight months? The Lord. Who has shown me love, through my family and friends, more than I could have imagined? The Lord.

And what is the ONE thing I need to do? Be still and listen to him. Know that He is God, not me. Trust this in my heart. From the peace of my heart, He will pour out love to others. There's my mission marching forth.

Antioxidants, exercise, meditation, prayer, yoga, being with family, travel, being with friends, cooking, reading, baseball, church, time to be still. These will knit together to form my daily life. The Lord will light the path for me so I will be light hearted. All I need is here. Right here.

Random lessons from my IPAD

Over the past nine months I have written on my IPAD notebook lessons I learned at that given moment. Here they are, in order of being written...

1. Every one has some part of their heart that is fragile, not just people with cancer. Everyone is fighting some battle. Be encouraging to everyone.

2. The saying isn't 'God never gives you more than you can handle.'

        It is 'God can handle anything you have.' and He always wins.

3. Choose joy.

4. Do not let the fear horses out of the stable.

5. Jesus will provide for all your needs, even the ones You don't realize you have.

6. It is okay to take care yourself.

7. I need a community.

Figure out a way, your way, to stay close to Jesus. To stay connected to God. When Mom died, M said I glowed. And I felt amazingly peaceful. B said she never felt more alive than when she was going through chemo. Jesus is right here, He is as real as a rock. He is as solid as the chair i am sitting on. So are the prayers of friends. He is abiding in me. I don't want this part to change! This is why some people go to mass every day, to stay connected. I know prayer and bible reading time gets shoved smaller and becomes non existent when I am healthy. I don't want that to happen ever again. God will show me the way.

Remember to thank Jesus for his healing every day, from my toes on up, healing by the blood of the lamb who was slain for me. Healing by the Grace of God.

Don't shy away from people offering you gifts, kind words, opening up to you.

Never refuse a cup of hot tea, especially if it is peppermint.

Heal me God that I might do your will, to your glory, for the rest of my life. From Fr Jim Holbeck sermon online.

Each day, even during chemo and radiation, will be a beautiful day!

Trust God will tell me every step of the way.

I need Jesus.

Busy isn't the goal. If you don't want to be too busy, you won't be. It is your choice. You have a choice.

God will be there in my future. Don't fear it.

Don't let that sun set on your anger. Forgive. Forgive completely, without reservations.

Apologize. As far as is possible, be at peace with everyone. Love them. Pray for them.

Meditate every day.

Choose who you spend your time with. Choose carefully, for you will become like them.

Hang up the superwoman cape. I can't do everything.

Choose to do good. If you know something is wrong, just DON"T DO IT. Don't be tempted, don't rationalize. If you dance too close to the fire, you will get burned at some point. Believe me, doing the right thing and loving unconditionally is far more wild and crazy and  fun than choosing the shadows.

Search for people, places, things and events to nourish your soul. It's the only part of you that is eternal.

Take the time to love yourself, so that then, from the overflow, you can spill out love on others.

Live with integrity. What is integrity? Keep your promises. Speak truth. Admit mistakes right away.

Live transparently.

Seek a relationship with God with your whole heart.  Being in a community of Christians makes it a lot easier. We are meant to live in community.

Religion is man-made. When you hear something religious, just make sure it holds up under the light of  "God is Love."

You have time to do everything that is important to you. Once in awhile, do a self-check and see where you spend most your time, what is important to you.

People who love generously will always feel loved, at some point.

Don't repeatedly tell God your same problems or worries. Tell them to him once or a few times, then live trusting and thanking Him for his answer, even before you see it.

Do not be afraid of darkness. In it you will find your light, and your light will be clearer than ever.

I am one grain of sand on the beach.

Being still is the most exciting part of my day.

Keep your focus on God. All day long.

Sent from my iPad 

Finish Strong

Some wonderful conversations this week.

A handful of women, who didn't all know each other at first, together for lunch  (one to two hours.) All interested in encouraging and uplifting. All are "its not about me" women. Surrounding yourself with friends who nurture the good in you is so important. I like that! Then we all left, off to work, to China, to visit Dad, to nap, to grocery shop, to acupuncture, to exercise ... each to her own.

Here's a FINISH STRONG bracelet lent to me to wear for my first radiation. Pink pearls from the first chemo time, diamond bangle from wedding days in March, and Finish Strong for now, when I need it!

B commented about how she didn't know what to say to comfort a person who has just suffered a loss. I have been thinking about that. We don't often know the perfect words to say. The Spirit might give them to us, or does it really have to be the perfect words. I think the feeling of love is important. But really it is showing up that counts. The gift of being present. Just being with them, trusting that they will get from your actions and words that you love them and care for them. Realizing it is not about you but about them, loving them. What a gift and an honor to be able to open up your heart and pour out compassion and love towards someone else.

We all make mistakes, I have made a huge number of mistakes in my life. In my book, the biggest mistake is not trying. God can redeem a lot of mistakes. He can work through us even when we are bumbling along. But He has a hard time working through me if I sit at home, alone, not communicating with the world, frozen by fear of not being capable enough. Someone wiser than me said, God doesn't call the equipped, He equips the called. 

J said another thought is to email or text or tell the person a verse. God's words, how can my words ever top His? I know that through the past seven months, verses sent to me are treasures. This isn't my suggestion, it was J and S.

And while we are on the topic of technology, S said her son emailed her an article suggesting we all go cell phone free for half a day a week. I do that every day, park it in the mud room next to the garage and the kitchen. I check it at lunch and dinner. I don't like it ringing all the time, I can't think when I am interrupted often. But then, maybe I frustrate some people that I am not available all the time. Who knows...

Fear. Fear is on so many people's minds. How often do we search out ways to allay our worry or  fear? Fear seems to come up in conversation often these days.

My sheep, a gift from someone who listens.

I got a wonderful insight in something I read this week... when we are afraid of the future, about how something might turn out or about what will happen, we are not putting Jesus in the picture we see of the future. We should do that. He will be there. Right in the middle of it, whether it is the best case scenario or the worst outcome or somewhere in the middle. He will be there, right with us. With Him next to us, whispering in our ear that He loves us, what do we have to be afraid of? Boy, this changes my way of thinking.

I don't want to live afraid. I want to live trusting God for my future. Trusting that He will guide me in paths of righteousness and He will be a proactive guide that will bring me back to the path when I turn my head and step off. He will be there with me. He is my shepherd.

I want to live trusting that the world is good, that good things await us all. That overflowing love is in everyone's heart, including my own.  Starting with my own.

It's a beautiful day. Today and all my tomorrows.

Radiation Day 2 - Tattoos

Well, I didn't get Radiation on Monday, they needed to do another thirty minutes of planning with the computer and red laser beams and x-rays. It isn't with the machine I thought it was. And they needed to give me my five tiny dot tattoos.


I have said I would NEVER get a tattoo.
Never say never...

Tuesday was my first radiation, and today my second. It is as easy as showing up. Mike took me to the first one, which made the occasion even more peaceful and positive.

You put on a gown, walk into the huge treatment room, decorated "county Florida" and lie down on your pillow on the table. The blue triangular bolster is for under your knees. The items hanging on the clothing rack in back are pillows for each patient. They are molded to our heads and necks and arms (arms stretched out over our heads) so we get into the identical position each time. Mine is already on the table for me. The entire radiation machine comes out to me and rotates over me. The blue disk part emits the radiation. First from directly above me (for seven seconds today) and then it rotates with its two square arms to behind my left shoulder and does the second dose (for nine seconds today.)

They drew the radiation field on me on Monday. Yes, I was lying on the table while they were moving the machine and talking, I heard a click and once again the tell-tale smell of a SHARPIE. I said with a chuckle, Are you seriously going to draw on me again with a Sharpie. She said, Yes we are going to outline the radiation field and then take a photo of it. With a Canon Elph camera. I now have the outline of France on my torso. Of interest to me, they are getting the node area under my left arm as well as the left breast. They found a small 0.3 cm tumor in the sentinel node during my lumpectomy, so this gives me much encouragement that they are zapping the remaining nodal area. The cancer cells didn't just jump to the node, they were carried there by white blood cells trying to throw them out. So zap the entire area.

I have five pencil point tattoos. Getting a tattoo hurts. For five seconds each. How do people get a full portrait tattooed? It must really really hurt. These dots are for them to line up the radiation machine each time. Good idea, I am all for accuracy in radiation.

In the waiting room today, two women waiting were lying down sideways on the waiting room sofas. That is being really really tired.  So that will be me in four, five weeks.

The technicians at radiology are absolutely fantastic. Today they switched the music speakers input (which I think are actually on the radiation machine)  from Florida Hospital's soft rock to Kelly's (a technician) workout playlist from her IPOD. During my sixteen seconds of radiation I listened to MC Hammer's, Can't Touch This, while tech Chris danced. Does it get any better?

I continue to be so uplifted by friends. So much. I want to spend more time with friends. It is so fun. I have a radiation appointment every weekday, and want to continue meditating every day and spending time in quiet, some napping still going on. And there is exercise.  Oh yes and taking care of household things, Dad, stuff for Mike's family... But I want to spend time with friends! There just don't seem to be enough hours in each day, which is a good way to feel isn't it?

Three Stones in the Desert

I have three stones in my pocket. You know the small, polished, rounded stones with a word chiseled on them? These are grayish brown and just a little larger than a quarter. One says "tired", one says "long", one says "vital." I finger them in my pocket, take them out and look at them, put them back.

I am peaceful and quiet, walking very slowly on a sand and dirt single lane road through a vast open Arizona-type desert. Only flatness to my left and right, and I don't know what is behind me or where I came from, for in this entire day dream I never look back over my shoulder, nor do I ever want to turn around.

Flatness to my left and right. Tumbleweeds and sandstone rocks, mainly patches of dry open desert. The road is arrow straight. I am alone walking. Walking. Walking. I am wearing beige and brown loose clothes, and brown sturdy sandals. I have no scarf or hat on, no hair.  The sun is not too bright, even though I am not wearing sunglasses.

The road leads to a rocky hill, dark brown and reddish with some green showing in the crags. It is not a smooth hill, it is folding and undulating. It is miles and miles away, just a bump on the horizon. A hill in the middle of the desert.

But I am peaceful. I am not thirsty or scared or lonely in the least. I question myself,  Why I am not scared?   I don't answer with words. I just shrug my shoulders and smile and keep walking. Some voice from above my head asks me how I feel. I answer, "tired." One of the words on my stones.

There are rough stones and rocks strewn everywhere on the ground, dust at each step. Walk past a sign next to the road. It says, "I am with you always", which is from the end of Matthew.

I tilt my head up, I can feel God's presence here. All around me. I am tired, but I keep walking. Peaceful. Walking slowly.

I warp ahead to the foot of the hill (aren't dreams great like that.) The path goes around a corner that was hidden by a rocky wall. I am now at a stream about eight feet wide. The other side of the stream is green and lush, and smells of cool breezes and flowers. There are gorgeous trees over there with big personalities.  It is a verdant English countryside forest with filtered light and blue butterflies and white daisies.

There is a small bridge of roped-together planks, swinging and rickety. Jesus is standing on this side of the bridge. He puts out his hand towards me. I give him my three stones. I get it, that the stone saying "long" is my fear. I have handed it to Him, He has taken it from me.

He takes my hand and helps me cross the bridge. He silently lets go of my hand and walks away.  I am so relieved to be safe on the other side. I end the dream standing there, just smiling ear to ear. Taking in the cool and the beauty and the peacefulness.

The three stones, here's my thoughts:

"tired" is how I feel now. Simple to figure this one out. He will restore my soul, He will recharge me. Not much emotion with this one, I'm just tired.

"long" is my fear. This is a long journey. Sometimes it seems so difficult. Can I keep on going? Am I doing it right? And will I succeed? I have always thought that I am good in a crisis, but boy it is so much more difficult to be disciplined and committed for the long haul. It is human nature to loose focus and patience and to keep on the path day after day after day. To stay in His presence all day long. "I can do it, I can do it" and then the next morning "Do I have to do it again?"

"vital" is my future. I want to live, not only just survive but LIVE with capital letters. I want to be enthusiastic for all God wants me to do here on earth. I want to be free from worrying about stuff that doesn't matter. I want to be filled with the Spirit and let His love overflow through me and out onto every single person I am with. I want the priorities of my life to be corrected. I have never thought of the word "vital", but it's a good one. I want to live so that God gets the credit.

I have handed these three to Jesus, my fear, my future and my present. He is in control and what a wonderful thing that is for me.

I take this dream as encouragement. My life is entering a new chapter. This past week my body has been reacting to chemo, first zapping cancer cells then getting to the work of healing the healthy part of my body, once again. It is like walking through a desert at times. Interesting that I wasn't scared or lonely in this dream. Fantastic that I got a glimpse of the "vital" future, the green and lush and healthy.

I will be patient. He will guide me there.

Am I doing this right?

Sitting in my sand yellow leather chair upstairs in our bedroom a few mornings ago, a thought zooms into my mind like an arrow.

Am I doing this right?

Then another arrow:

Am I doing enough?

Followed by other thoughts-

Is my lifestyle being redirected enough?
Am I learning the lessons I need to learn to stay cancer-free?
Have I taken up all the habits I need that will keep me healthy?
Have I gotten rid of the thoughts that need cleaning out?
Have I forgiven enough?
Have I processed enough?
Am I thankful enough?
Have I done enough?

Bernie Siegel (author of Love, Medicine and Miracles - a GREAT book to read anytime in life, but especially if you get cancer) says to ask yourself - Why did my body need this disease?

My first answer - to redirect my life.

And how am I doing on that redirection you might ask?
I've stopped in my tracks in the midst of a most hectic year of life and started refocusing.
I know I want to live fully in the freedom of God's presence all day long.
I'm seeing anew the value of me, my husband, my family, my dear friends.
I am spending time on what is important to me.

But am I doing it right?

My question of AM I DOING THIS RIGHT is on two levels - on the physical level of healing, and on the spiritual level of healing. You don't just get better physically and then move on, forgetting the spiritual lessons of healing. At least I don't want to. Like every event in life, I want to emerge out the other side closer to the woman God intended me to be.

In rereading this blog entry, it is meandering, non-focused, choppy. 

Can you tell I am a bit uncertain of the path forward, that my mind is peeking down lots of paths and weighing them against each other? Waiting for guidance.

Oh, the peaceful existence of a basset hound. No worries as long as she can lie on the sofa and look over at the alpha dog (that's me, I'm the alpha dog.) 

And that's us with God, no worries as long as we can lift our faces and look to Him. 

Physical level - Big decision
I was so excited the day Dr. M said okay to six chemos. Well, now I am leaning towards only five. Chemo is a balance between enough chemicals to kill off the cancer cells and but not too many chemicals that harm your healthy body longterm. I understand with the group I got, you have potential to damage your heart, bone marrow, liver and nerves.

This time around, ten days after chemo #5, my feet are both still tingling, the front of my left shin feels like it has been burned, and my hands are tingly. Also for the week after chemo, I had floppy feet at times.  It was difficult to smoothly go up and down stairs as my feet didn't make those small adjustments you make with each step. I think the feet nerves weren't giving my muscles the instantaneous feedback needed for balance. My mouth and esophagus also were more severely affected, they were sore and hoarse.

You can't tell if your heart, liver, bone marrow's been damaged long term yet, so the nerve issues to me are the canary in the coal mine.

I've been on time for each of the five chemos, and I think they have done their work as evidenced by the nerve issues and the hair loss, etc. Actually I am confident the chemo has zapped any errant cancer cells. Dr M's assistant said the majority of patients on this chemo mix and schedule do not make the first five on schedule. And that it isn't a clear cut decision to do four, five or six, there are pro's and con's to each way and really it is my decision at this point. I fall between the cracks of the protocols.

It's a risk-reward decision to stop at five. Getting in one more than four was excellent. My feeling is that a sixth chemo would do more damage to me than it would help me. I don't want to make this decision because I am scared of physically feeling yechy for Chemo #6. I am comfortable I could do it. I want to listen to the signals my body's giving me, and do the best for long term health.

So I have an appointment next Wed AM with Dr. M, to discuss and decide. If the front of my shin is still burning constantly, this will be an easy decision. And we will discuss when radiation starts.

Yes, I think the chemo has done its job. No more cancer cells running amok inside me.

Shouldn't I be jumping up and down for joy?

I'm not.

Why not?
First of all, I am tired all day long. I have about six good hours a day, during which I am delightfully happy to be seeing friends and getting a little exercise. Then I crash.

Second of all, I am still mulling this over inside. I am feeling more peaceful each day that the chemo is finished and no more is needed. That five chemos is the right decision. I am almost there. What a huge life decision.
Third of all, it hasn't seeped in. I have been marshaling all my energy to cooperate with chemo physically and spiritually, and now I will be changing to radiation. A new focal point. That's why I ask, did I get all I needed to get out of the chemo?

I read an online journal of a breast cancer survivor this weekend, and she didn't follow the doctor's orders it seemed. She traveled and partied, and had to put off chemos and spend many days in the hospital. And she is cured, eight years now. Am I being too picky about doing it all right, maybe that causes stress in itself? It's amazing how you can over think this... No I don't think I am being too picky. But I had that thought!

Spiritual Level - The real growth
Again, am I doing this right?

Having cancer is a wonderful time to see Jesus more clearly, to spend time getting to know Him a whole lot better, to learn what it is to need Him and to receive His grace in a huge way.

It is also a time to search your soul and see what needs pruning.  And to search your daily life and see what needs changing.

Think of it as an eight month strategic planning session on your life, with God as the facilitator.WOW!

I see that I can be the elder son in the Prodigal Son story.  I have been responsible and following all the rules, but am I like the Pharisees that sometimes I miss the point

The point is I already am His. Don't have to earn it. He wants me to wake up with Him every morning, spend time with Him, walk with Him all day long, really enjoying His presence. And then at the end of the day, rest peacefully knowing He thinks the day was fantastic because I was with Him. That's it, plain and simple. Wow.

Am I doing what He wants me to do at this time in my life?  Is there some concept I am not grasping

I have so much to learn in the spiritual growth area.
I want to pray better.
I want to meditate many days a week.
I want my relationship with God to deepen.
I want my relationships with my dear friends to deepen.
I want to resent less, compassion more
I want to love others purely.
I want to blur the boundary between my time communicating with God and the rest of the day.
I want to do anything and everything He wants me to.

I want to be of use to Him.
I want others to see He loves them, to care for others for Him.
I want to be a woman more in line with what He wants me to be.
I want more God in my life.

Luckily, God wants more of Him in my life too. So I know I'll be getting help from Him on that one.

Wouldn't it be much easier if getting closer to God were a snap-your-fingers deal. But it isn't.  And today I listened to a sermon which touched on JUST THIS POINT. Hmmmm.

It was titled "Sullenberger flew a plane into a river".  This guy was a hero, you know the story, a flock of Canadian Geese flew into the engine and it froze, he couldn't land at LaGuardia, if he landed on the Jersey Turnpike many in cars would die. He had minutes to decide and take action. He decided to land on the Hudson River, and no one was killed.

The point is, he was a hero, but he wasn't just a guy from the coach section who happened to be called up to the cockpit and rescue the plane by miraculous insight in emergency landings, etc. He was an experienced pilot who had rigorous education and training, years of flying with minor crises which taught him lessons along the way. He very well could have gotten divine insight during those crucial minutes, but overall he had an idea of how to handle an emergency. He had spent years and years training and learning and preparing.

That is US. That is ME. We are becoming who we are meant to be.

God doesn't necessarily snap His fingers and BOOM I am jumped to the next higher level in my relationship with Him or SHAZAM I am light years more compassionate or loving or generous. No, it is a process. It is a way. It is a journey. Every day of my life, if I ask and am open to receiving, God's love rains down on me all day long. He works on me like the potter and the clay. He is transforming me into who He wants me to be. He is guiding me where He wants me to go. And He is showing me what He wants me to see.

Our society isn't into slow process, it is into instant.

I don't see the instant changes in me.

Instant holiness or instant healing.

His time concept is not our time concept.

I am loved. He is guiding me. I'm His.

So

Am I doing this right?

How can I not be when He is my guide.

P.S. Mike's succinct comment on all my questions above - Sara, It's a process.

Flown by

Flown by. The past three weeks have flown by.

Ever feel like time is a train, a high speed train that is zooming ahead and you are a passenger, holding on for dear life?

I blinked my eyes, and it is the weekend before Chemo again.

I have moments of fear, that this one will be difficult in its aftermath. Then I say - NO NO NO, that is not the attitude to have! Be positive, this one will be even a smidgen easier that #4... and look, I made it through #4 and am here typing, aren't I?

One of my top ten verses right here. I thought of this as I woke up this morning and I picked it apart. I know that if I read commentaries, they would give me insights into this verse that would be great, but I really like just thinking about a verse over and over, what it says to me. What is revealed to me. Try it today...

For God - It starts with Him. He is the driving force, He is the creator of all, and knows the owner's manual for me. Actually He WROTE the owner's manual. He will be with me every second of this week.

gave us a spirit not of fear - Right here He says, fear isn't of Him. Aha, so it is a little demon creeping into my mind, or trying to creep in. When I physically don't feel great, or there is a real trial up ahead, this little demon wants to jump in. Clever, but not clever enough.

but of power - The Spirit God gives me is powerful, powerful enough to say to that little demon, Be gone, I am not going to dwell with you here, and it will go. Powerful enough to rest in God. When you have a project and you have completed it, and you know it succeeds, then you are confident in your ability. This is how we are to be, confident in the power given us by God to overcome anything that bumbles our way in this path of righteousness we are walking. If we slip, if we veer off the path, if we change directions, He is powerful enough to bring us back.


and love - Oh the most important of all. I thought this morning, when you love someone and are acting out that love in your words or thoughts or actions, you are thinking of THEM. In loving others, you are turning the focus of your life to them, and away from you. It is so freeing! "She had a spirit of love", wouldn't you love to have those words alone on your tombstone (not soon of course.) Love is a word we bat around all the time. Think on it when you are next in your thinking mode. I don't want to be the clanging gong, I want to be the healing and uplifting love to others.

and of self-control - At first, this one doesn't seem to fit. I get the spirit of power and love, but this spirit of self-control gets all practical on you. Nuts and bolts practical. But I can see, with the mammoth concepts of a spirit of power and love, you need to reign it in and accomplish something. We are not given power and love to do nothing. We are equipped with power and love so that we might see God more clearly, and then get going however HE wants us to in helping Him in kingdom work down here on earth. The self control might be to use the power and love in the manner He wants.

And then, a little different thought, the self control could be for me to control the input into my brain so that I am looking to Him, focused on Him, and dwelling with Him. It takes self-control to not go down the fear path. There are SO MANY little side branches from the path I am walking down with God.  Some of them
look so much like the one I am on that you don't know its a branch at first. Self control to stay in His presence, to keep trusting that He is God even when I don't see the evidence at that moment. To do the things to keep me there. To choose to be there. He will do the work, guide me. I just need to ask Him.

If you are wondering where these photos are from, I'll tell you. Building our home in 2009, Mike and I would come over during that 11 month period most weekends, walk through and see the progress. One weekend we decided to bring our bible, and write verses on the walls before they were dry walled or finished off.

Sharks circling the Island

I was standing on a small island, about the size of four parking spaces. In the middle of Key Biscayne, north of the Rickenbacker Causeway to the mainland. This island had one palm tree and the rest was sand. The water was that magical light blue-green of Caribbean water. There were a handful of sharks swimming around the island.  I could see their fins above the water. Swimming and swimming. It was hot and the sun was shining, I had to squint my eyes. I was alone on the island.

I was scared of the sharks, they were circling the island, lifting up their heads to look at me once in awhile. I was afraid, scared, shaking, and I wanted off that island right away.

You know this was a dream by now, right?

Afraid. Scared. I want to be on the safe mainland, which was in site. I called out and no one could hear me. So I prayed - God rescue me. I'm scared. Get me out of here!

I remembered the story of Peter walking on the water. When he kept his eyes focused on Jesus and when he kept his belief solid that he COULD walk on water, he did. Matt 14: "Come," he said. Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus. When he doubted, he fell in.

I remembered the title of Ortberg's book which I love, If You Want to Walk on Water, You've Got to Get Out of the Boat. A GREAT book title.

So, in my dream, I think of this title, and walk to the edge of my tiny island.

I pray to God to rescue me and let me walk on water and end up on dry land in Miami.  God, I believe in You. I will step out and I will walk on the water.  It's not too far, I could see the dry land.

I put one foot on the water. It goes right to the bottom, doesn't work.  Well, I try again, this time taking a huge step out further, and nope, right to the bottom.

Okay, I pull back, as all the sharks are RIGHT THERE watching me... And I think, Peter didn't have to deal with sharks.

I pause for a minute.

Hmmm.

I know God could make it so I walk on water. Do I not have enough faith?

Then I pray, God rescue me and guide me what to do.

A little different prayer than before.

BOOM!

All of a sudden (dreams are great) I see so many other options. Common sense ones.

There is a rowboat beached on this island which has been there all the time. I never noticed it.

A Coast Guard boat with a rescue dog comes zooming up towards me with a megaphone and they are calling out to me, do I need help?

A helicopter comes overhead, dipping down to talk to me.

And I notice I have a cell phone in my hand, which has been there all the time.

I wasn't scared anymore.  I don't know which exit strategy I chose. The dream was over.

God doesn't need always to do the miraculous, the action-movie stunt, the dramatic turn around, the instant fix. He always can, but He doesn't always need to. Sometimes He works through the gentle, the progressive, the steady and the subtle.

He will rescue us.

He will redeem us.

He never will forget us.

He never will leave us.

BUT, He will do it in HIS TIME, in HIS MANNER.

He is the authority. He is in control.

I need to stop trying to tell God exactly how to run my life.

I love dreams...

Ramping up for Chemo # 2

Good morning all.

I am getting all ramped up for Chemo #2. How different than three weeks ago when I was high on anticipation for the first chemo. This time I am much more settled. Trying to treat my body gently, more cooperative with the whole process.  Not as scared. How easy to be scared of the unknown. I realize every chemo treatment might will be slightly different, but at least I have an idea of what will happen. Knowledge is power.

I am still in awe of how people have responded to my needs. God really provides everything you need, through friends and family. We had a weekend of giddiness with Mack, Tray, Corey and T. In the afternoons we simply sat around the television and watched the British Open (you go Shrek) and chatted. Golf is like baseball, lots of time to talk while watching it. Two evenings we went out to dinner, then came home played Catch Phrase and laughed and laughed and laughed.

Heraclitus (Greek philosopher) said, You can't step into the same river twice. Time moves forward, things change. How silly to worry about that change.

Jesus says, Do not worry, saying 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' But seek first the kingdom and God and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well".


So I am to tell Jesus my worries, and let Him provide for me. Give up control of this changing life to Him. So much easier to say than to do. Well, I will at least try. 

Some notes I wrote during a sermon this week... the sermon was titled Choose Forgiveness, but my notes rambled sideways.

1. Be still and know that I am God

2. We all need community

3. Sit back, relax, accept joy, be open to joy

4. Let God do His work, accept His healing in all parts of you

5. Be open to friends and love. Be a clay pipe not a clay jar, and let God's love flow into me and through me to others.

6. Lean on Jesus

7. Search me oh God and know my thoughts, test me and know my anxious thoughts. Psalm 139. (Finally one of he notes I took refer to the sermon) What I get out of this is, God's Holy Spirit is searching me to find where I am in need of Him, and then He shines His light on it and POOF in His mercy I am cleansed - of that sin or that habit or that anxiety... and in His time I will see the change. The momentum is all HIM.. I simply need to be open and listening and willing.

Lovely words from a friend - You are a strong passionate woman. You will do this.

Lovely words from one of the doctors - You will be a witness to others.

I've been asking fellow cancer folks - what did you visualize when you had your treatments, or your sad moments?  What comforted you?

1. Sitting on a porch swing with God rocking you

2. Pac men gobbling up the cancer cells

3. The fresh cool crisp running water of a brook in the northeast, the pure gurgling water washing me

4. The blood of Jesus cleansing my body from the toes to the tip of my head

5. The light of Jesus shining into every inch of your body, letting there be no darkness

6. Sunshine, just the warmth of sunbathing with the suns healing rays reaching into everywhere

7. The ocean's waves washing into every cell, and washing the cancer ones away.  

I am setting up to make this Chemo easier than the next, but really I will listen to my body and respond best I can. Dear S is coming down to stay here through the weekend, so I will have company all day.

When the hair fell out, I saw two what I thought were really suspicious scalp spots, so this morning, the dermatologist took both out, have two stitches each. And he told me to not do anything to get my heart rate up today, as scalp incisions bleed easily. So no exercise today... AHHHH.. we'll see how this makes the Chemo #2 go. Maybe better! Mike's been urging me to not get exhausted exercising. Hmmm.

So, please pray for the healing to continue, for the side effects to be minimal and doable, for no infections to happen, for the lymph nodes in my neck to stay small and not tender. And please pray for Mike and me, for God's peace which passes all understanding keep our hearts and minds on Jesus Christ our Lord. And for S who is willing to give up a week, to come here and be my every minute caregiver. May she have some good books to read as I sleep a lot!

May God continue to bless you, and all of us, as the days unfold

Love to you all, sara

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Here's all of Psalm 139 (from The Message)

Psalm 139, A David Psalm

1-6 God, investigate my life; get all the facts firsthand.
I'm an open book to you;
even from a distance, you know what I'm thinking.
You know when I leave and when I get back;
I'm never out of your sight.
You know everything I'm going to say
before I start the first sentence.
I look behind me and you're there,
then up ahead and you're there, too—
your reassuring presence, coming and going.
This is too much, too wonderful—
I can't take it all in!

7-12 Is there anyplace I can go to avoid your Spirit?
to be out of your sight?
If I climb to the sky, you're there!
If I go underground, you're there!
If I flew on morning's wings
to the far western horizon,
You'd find me in a minute—
you're already there waiting!
Then I said to myself, "Oh, he even sees me in the dark!
At night I'm immersed in the light!"
It's a fact: darkness isn't dark to you;
night and day, darkness and light, they're all the same to you.

13-16 Oh yes, you shaped me first inside, then out;
you formed me in my mother's womb.
I thank you, High God—you're breathtaking!
Body and soul, I am marvelously made!
I worship in adoration—what a creation!
You know me inside and out,
you know every bone in my body;
You know exactly how I was made, bit by bit,
how I was sculpted from nothing into something.
Like an open book, you watched me grow from conception to birth;
all the stages of my life were spread out before you,
The days of my life all prepared
before I'd even lived one day.

17-22 Your thoughts—how rare, how beautiful!
God, I'll never comprehend them!
I couldn't even begin to count them—
any more than I could count the sand of the sea.
Oh, let me rise in the morning and live always with you!
And please, God, do away with wickedness for good!
And you murderers—out of here!—
all the men and women who belittle you, God,
infatuated with cheap god-imitations.
See how I hate those who hate you, God,
see how I loathe all this godless arrogance;
I hate it with pure, unadulterated hatred.
Your enemies are my enemies!

23-24 Investigate my life, O God,
find out everything about me;
Cross-examine and test me,
get a clear picture of what I'm about;
See for yourself whether I've done anything wrong—
then guide me on the road to eternal life.