Pink Boa

I lay on the radiation table, hands clasped above my head according to my foam molded pillow, head turned slightly to the right. I am alone in the huge treatment room, walls painted to look friendly. They have taken two x-rays, the doctor has told the techs to tweak my position so the four radiations hit their targets precisely.

I'm in the white gown with the blue 1950's design of triangles. I hear the Trilogy's motor rev up, it is going to move into position over me. I start praying for the radiation to hit the cancer cells and squish them dead.

I am visualizing a shield over my left lung and heart and spine, to protect them from collateral damage.

I take a deep breath to give my lung cells all the oxygen possible to fight off the radiation they will get by their location. In and out.

Visualize the shield, visualize the squish of cancer cells popping. Breathe. Visualize.

Interrupting this rosary-like recitation comes my own voice clear and strong in my head saying, I am cured. I have no cancer in my body.

My mind stopped. What?

Nothing. That was it. Two sentences spoke out from somewhere deep inside.

The machine keeps humming and moving and zapping. I keep my arms and body still, but I am done. It has worked. All the surgery, chemo, radiation, prayer, visualization, and Arimidex to come... this has worked. I am cured.  Tears are coming down my face. The techs come in to make sure I haven't shifted, and they politely ignore my tears. They have seen this before I am certain.

I leave the treatment room, I take off the tent-like hospital gown and put on my top and fleece. The techs wish me well and tell me, God Bless. I can't stop the tears, happy, upwelling of emotion. Into the waiting room where S is, this was only twenty minutes, my shortest appointment ever!

Oh, how funny life is. If this had been a normal length of an appointment, I would have walked out the front door and been surprised by a white limo filled with friends and champagne.

COOL!

But I was done fifteen minutes earlier than normal, and the limo was still in downtown Winter Park gathering the well-wishers. S could stall me five minutes say, but not the fifteen  minutes needed for the limo to get from there to here! I had no idea, this was all a surprise. All this was unknown to me, so I was floating along, happy as a clam.  Not knowing there was a blip in the carefully crafted schedule. I'm a little teary-eyed still.

I have decided to not wear my wig anymore. I have a half inch of hair back already. Looks like a seven-year-old's crew cut. It will grow back, and we all will watch and celebrate. 

Back to my house we went. Moments after getting home, up drove the limo and friends. AHHHH! I got all decked out in pink. Pink cowboy hat, pink feather boas, tiara with paste diamonds, blinking flamingo necklaces.  Looking at the photos, boy I was cheesy, posing and swishing my boa. And I loved it!

Yoga pose, I was HAPPY!

What were my thoughts when I opened the door, saw friends and feathers and blinking flamingos? First I thought, okay what do I do? How should I react? I am so tired (went to La Nouba the night before which was SO FUN with the family.) How do I chat with everyone and make sure they have a good time because oh my they are doing all this for me.

That line of thinking lasted exactly ten seconds.

My second wave of thoughts washed out the first thought. Second wave said, This is SO COOL and I want to wear all the pink and Look at all these really neat women and I'll take a glass of champagne and Let me pose and This only happens once so JUST FEEL IT and Swim  in the pool of happiness!

Piled into the limo, drove to nowhere and back, waved Bye-Bye at the Cancer Institute of Florida Hospital as we passed, a lit at Park Plaza Gardens where more friends were, Table 1 and Table A. Bubbles and beads and pink balloons. Delicious strawberry champagne.

Lovely lunch, hugs and smiles and love. Just plain love. Every woman there had gone out of her way, way out of her way, to give me a flower for my bouquet of kindnesses that carried me through the past nine months. NINE MONTHS, I could have made a baby!

Some of my dear ones were out of town, but I thought about you during lunch. You guys have brought me dinner, soup, DVD's, flowers, books, texted me, lunched with me, walked with me, taken me to doctors, the list goes on and on and on.

S surprised me the night before, came down from Charlotte and was at home when we got back from dinner. Can you believe it? That in itself turned my melancholy into a celebration. Then the surprise of today revved it up even more.  I was walking on sunshine, to coin a phrase.

I asked a few of the women there what was their experience at the end of their cancer treatment. Similar to mine, you are all geared up to fight cancer, then it's an anti-climax. Too tired to celebrate. What do you do now?

Mike said doctors are trained to fix illness, they don't focus on wellness. They just don't do wellness well. You have to do that yourself.

M said, trust God will show you how to help others with what you have learned. Don't stress out over finding who to help or what to do. He will show you.

I gave out pink pearl bracelets to those who didn't have them yet.  Remembering three thank you's -
1. Thank you for being a flower in my kindnesses bouquet
2. Thank God for loving us with an everlasting love, for healing
3. Thankful hearts for trials, as they bring out love. They make us who we are today. Remember the oyster, who makes beauty from an irritating grain of sand.

Being an only child, I have the big fear of being alone. I know one of my weaknesses is needing other people. Now I also see this as a strength, as it fuels me to gather people together around me.

I have seen through the course of this healing that I am not alone. I have learned that I really do need my dear friends and family to shower me with love. And I want to shower them with love. I really do need God, who shows himself through me and others. I have learned to ask for comfort. I have learned to receive love. I have learned that I am not alone.

I have learned that God will show me the way.
Lean into him and trust.
Goodness is right around the corner, goodness and loving-kindness.
I can't always see it, but it is there. 

Words emailed last night from a dear friend L:

The absolute joy and complete "in the moment" abandon with which you embraced everyone and everything that came at you made our time together magical.

Thank you, dear friend, for allowing us to join you, through these past nine months, to surround you with the love, respect, support, sadness and happiness we felt with and for you.  That we might learn, remember and understand that one should embrace challenges with a balance of knowledge, resolve, vulnerability, determination and courage.  

 

That reaching to others and asking that they walk with you allows a depth of friendship to surface, otherwise, possibly unsaid, unexpressed.

I am not alone.
I am loved.
You are loved. 
With an everlasting love.

Off I go
knowing God will shine his light on my path
and shower you and me with love,
forever and always.

Radiation Tips

I wrote out Chemo tips, so thought as I am at the finish line of radiation I would summarize my tips to someone starting out in radiation.

1. Buy a larger, soft bra. You will swell slightly. And while you are at it, buy two Barely There Sports bras in one size larger, with no under wire and nothing rubbing you at all. I started wearing them at the half way point. By the last week, I went without a bra. By necessity.  Yes I did.

2. Ask what cream you can use to keep the skin as healthy as possible. The first week my skin burned and the breast swelled up so much they were a little concerned. I started putting on Lavender Oil, followed by Aloe, and it stayed under control. The last week they told me they were really surprised I did as well as I did, considering I was so red and swollen the first week. Lavender Oil, pure, just rub it on the whole radiation area. It absorbs right away. I bought four aloe plants, and cut off two inches each application, cut the sides of them (prickly) and rubbed the aloe right onto my skin. The doctor also suggested Aquaphor immediately after each treatment, which I did a handful of times. Remember, nothing four hours before a treatment.

3. You will be tired probably, it builds up. I started getting tired the fourth week, only Friday and the weekends. So you nap, not difficult to figure out. You do need to plan for it, realize your body is telling you it needs sleep. I would see friends at lunch, do errands then come home and nap. It is not sleepy, it is your body having little energy.

4. Radiation's effects are delayed, so you will be tired weeks past the last treatment.

5. While you are getting treatment, which is only minutes long, visualize the radiation killing the cancer cells.  Visualize your lungs and heart and nerves and bones shielded from harm. This is one of the tools to fight the cancer that was in you, and it is powerful stuff. It will work. It has worked for thousands in the past, and it will work for you.

6. Bring Joy into your life. Set yourself up to succeed. You will.
Truly, radiation is showing up to the appointments, and a little discomfort of your breast. Very do-able.

We are not Quitters

Hello all my dear, dear friends.

Someone said this ride would be a roller coaster, and it is already! Quite an adventure...

I have gained such confidence, strength and joy from each of you. The words, hugs, e-mails, lunches, cards, Words with Friends, and dinners are priceless. Just priceless.

I am just soaking in all your kindnesses. You know, so many folks we see each day have a fragile corner of their heart, which sometimes they share and sometimes they don't. We each have the opportunity to encourage and spread joy and show kindness and be a small part of their healing. So my lesson I have learned, treat everyone as precious and immortal.

 C.S. Lewis says in his book, The Weight of Glory, that there are no "ordinary people." We are all immortal, our souls will live on forever. There are things that have a time limit like nations, machines, books, art. But people, the part of us that is unseen, our souls, will never die. We are either "immortal horrors or everlasting splendors."  Makes you look at time with friends differently, doesn't it?

I just have to attach the photo of the wig. This place was FANTASTIC... Ritzy Rags on 17-92 just north of Marks St. It is where both transvestites and chemo patients, among others, go for gorgeous wigs. You don't have to curl it, cut it.... and lets face it, you never experience a  bad hair day.

Also, I have found an acupuncturist at Still Waters Healing in Maitland (thank you D and L) who is phenomenal. My left arm can be totally raised above my head now (they took out nodes in that armpit area)... so well that I could serve normally this morning playing tennis.

The medical schedule - I am getting a port put in my right arm in six days, Tuesday June 22.  Chemo starts a week later on June 29.  I have focused the past week on building up strength and endurance. Went to the dentist. Trying to exercise lots, add more fruits, vegetables, nuts, seeds to my diet. And for some reason I have been cooking up a storm. Loving it.

This weekend Mike and I are going to the beach for a celebration of... well... everything.

I know I have messed up the phenomenal meal schedule B set up, and I am sorry. We didn't know chemo would be a reality. I have cut and pasted the schedule below. You can sign up on the website or just e-mail me if you can't get the website to work. These are soooo appreciated. We will add August and September once we see that the chemo is on schedule.

 That's all the news for now.

Sending hugs to you all, sara

 "whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, 'This is the way; walk in it'" (Isaiah 30:21)

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Some Responses:

Mike to Sara

6 Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
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B to Sara
Hi Sara,
I just got your e-mail today. I was released from Physical Therapy this past Saturday after over two weeks in the hospital. I just can't tell you how glad I was to get out of there.

I appreciate everyone who kept me in their prayers. I definitely experienced something that was nothing short of a miracle after being transferred to rehab. The pain in my side was like someone held a red hot poker there each time I tried to sit or stand. The pain was so great it was hard not to yell out. The next day I tried to catch up on sleep just to have the Physical Therapist come in and ask me to stand to see what she had to work with. I tried to put her off, but she insisted. I was not looking forward to standing with that pain again, but worked my way to a sitting position and then a standing position. There was NO pain. I walked across the room and back twice and I can't tell you how that happened. I was scared to death that the next time I stood it would return, but I believe God was with me and stayed with me.

I believe in the power of prayer and I will keep you in my prayers each time I think of you, each day. One thing I believe about both of us - WE ARE NOT QUITTERS!! My best wishes and prayers are with you.

Day 2 - Put one foot in front of the other

Day 2 - Put one foot in front of the other

Mike sent this to me today in an e-mail. I love it, from Philippians.

6 Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.
7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Played tennis with seven women in a round robin. Told them all afterward what I was going through. Some diminished it as so easy to treat which I know was them trying to give me strength, others hugged me and looked like they were going to cry which I know was their sadness and empathy. I truly appreciated the ones who mimicked my tone, kept it light and positive, while acknowledging it would be tough. That was compassion.

The moments are still ninety-five percent positive, and  then five percent of the time those fear horses race out of the stalls. I pull them in hard and fast. Bolt the stable door shut. Turn my back to the door and walk away.

Went online today and bought some inspirational books, by C. S. Lewis, Henri Nouwen, Tony Campolo.

Got a new phone, that diverted my attention for 4 hours, figuring it out. I don't want to sit still and wait. I know that was the verse that God sent to me, BE STILL and KNOW THAT I AM GOD... but it wasn't BE STILL AND WAIT FOR IT ALL TO HAPPEN... was it? There's a difference.  Yes, I know I am bargaining with God. Humorous isn't it?

I want to keep moving forward. I made the appointment with the oncologist for eight days from today... they need the MRI written report before they see me, and they even needed a fax of my biopsy report before they would schedule the appointment. Wow, this is quite a business. Would anyone really lie about a biopsy finding of cancer?