Hamster

I'm in my childhood home, in the Williamsburg gray green front hallway. Moravian star light fixture hanging from the center ceiling, glass doors on either side of the hall going into the dining room and living room respectively, staircase ahead. Traditional Colonial center-hallway home.

Mom walks out from the kitchen carrying an empty glass Mason jar. I am my age right now.  Mom is young and healthy and energetic, maybe 20 years old. Wearing madras shorts and a white button down shirt with the tails tied in the front at her waist, you know the 1950's look?

She says, Come here. You'll be able to do this.

I follow her into the kitchen. She unscrews the metal top from the glass jar.  She bends down to open a bottom cabinet, yellow wood cabinets, reaches the glass jar tentatively way back into the shelves. Then she jumps up. Out from the cabinet scurries a tiny hamster. It darts across the green wooden floor of the kitchen. I easily stoop down, snatch it up in my right hand. I pop it into the glass jar in Mom's hand and she screws on the lid.

I say, It can't breathe. She looks at me. I get a pen, poke a hole in the top metal lid, like we used to do for fireflies in glass jars. The little hamster is peering up at me through the hole I poked. It's not sad, or happy, just surprised. Not agitated. Just looking at me.

I hand the jar back to Mom. I ask, what are you going to do with him?

Mom replies, I'll take him away and let him go.

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I wake up. I make myself repeat this dream. I see the kitchen and the cabinet so clearly. Then I picture me stepping into our front hallway and the whole event unfolds again.

Now, the interesting thing is, two nights ago for the first time since Mom died 9 years ago, I talked to Mom. This isn't creepy, she didn't answer back and I didn't expect her to.

I was processing the time post-treatment. How do I not get afraid cancer has returned each time I feel a bump or ache?  So I was thinking about this, and about Mom who always prayed for me. So I told her, I knew you are delightfully happy in heaven, and I am so looking forward to being with you there, but not yet. I told her, You are close up there to God. Go tell Him I want to live down here awhile longer.

I see why I would have a dream about Mom the next night. She was on my mind, as my advocate.  Remember, dreams aren't really about the person or the thing as much as they your subconscious processing your emotions about what they represent.

Now the hamster? Hmmm. To me, when I think hamster, I think of that wheel. Oh yes, the wheel where they run and run and run, and get nowhere. Our lives sometimes, busy doing the thing we think is important, but it really is just the thing that is staring us in the face at the moment and so we jump aboard and off we go. Busy, busy. Getting nowhere.

Getting stressed out that we are getting nowhere. HA!

So, to me, this dream is saying I am able and capable to take all the things that have occupied me unfulfillingly, and bottle them up and let them go. The part of me that is my advocate tells me I can do this, and it's not a big deal. There isn't a fight, or a battle. Simply a matter of removing.

God will show me who and what and where is best in my life.

For my good.

I can depend on God to guide me in the paths of righteousness.

He will.

And when I need restoring, He will restore.

Thinking about this more, I have learned about myself that I need affirmation from others. I love being part of a team effort. I also love helping others and sometimes being alone. It is all a balance. And all are part of a healthy me.

I feel so much more peace after this dream. Thank you. 

Speeding car

With all good and kind intentions, you occasionally hear words spoken for your edification that you can't believe people are truly telling you.

With all good and kind intentions, you occasionally hear words spoken for your edification that you can't believe people are truly telling you.

By more than one person, I have been told to go to a different doctor, use different chemo, to not have radiation, to not have chemo. And some have asked, why didn't I get a mastectomy?

My answer, everyone's situation is unique. I wish them all the best.

Listen to my dream of two nights ago.

I am sitting on the second floor porch of my home growing up, a gray wood sided colonial in Easton Pennsylvania. I am peacefully sitting in a comfy chair with my feet up on an ottoman, it's a pleasant sunny day with nice breeze.

I hear the doorbell ring, but I am almost asleep, so I don't answer it. I figure someone else will. Next I hear a friend's voice calling up to me from the yard next door, we will call her Helga so she remains anonymous to you, "Hey Sara, I want to come up and visit with you. You can spare a few minutes to talk, can't you?"

I look down, I am tired, but she looks like she won't take "no" for an answer. I say, "Come on up."

She appears on the porch (that's the beauty of dreams), and we move to chairs in the shade on the porch as she says she is too hot in the sun. We sit down, we chat for a few minutes. Then she wants to take me for a drive. I am okay about this, and next thing you know we are in a silver Mercedes sedan (I don't know what that means.)

She is driving. Fast. Really fast. On a tree lined country road. We are passing cars, even going onto the shoulder to pass cars.  The trees whip by. We speed past a red truck parked on the side almost hitting it, and I am scared.

I tell her I'm scared that she is going too fast, and she laughs and keeps speeding.

That's the dream.  It makes sense to me this morning. I have been trying to figure it out, and now it makes sense.

As you know, people in dreams are representations of a part of your own self, of the subconscious.  People  aren't in our dreams as themselves. So I try to think, what does that person represent in my life. Particularly, what unsettled emotion in my life does she represent.

Helga was the very first person who suggested a different doctor than the one I chose. She represents me questioning my treatments, questioning the decisions I am making and questioning that the outcome will be total healing.

What does my subconscious want to tell me in this dream? What is unsettled? Don't take even the first step down the path of doubting, as it is a slippery slope. One step, two steps, and I am in a speeding car... it's dangerous. So it's not really an unsettled issue, more of confirmation that I should trust the path I am on. Trust God, don't have my head turned to the left or right. Stay in His presence.

Stop negative thoughts immediately - catch them and throw them out the window. They can be persistent. They can be couched in good intentions. But NO...

Nourish the hope.  Stand firm on what I know.

God will shine light on my path, one stepping stone at a time.
Thank you Lord.

Three Stones in the Desert

I have three stones in my pocket. You know the small, polished, rounded stones with a word chiseled on them? These are grayish brown and just a little larger than a quarter. One says "tired", one says "long", one says "vital." I finger them in my pocket, take them out and look at them, put them back.

I am peaceful and quiet, walking very slowly on a sand and dirt single lane road through a vast open Arizona-type desert. Only flatness to my left and right, and I don't know what is behind me or where I came from, for in this entire day dream I never look back over my shoulder, nor do I ever want to turn around.

Flatness to my left and right. Tumbleweeds and sandstone rocks, mainly patches of dry open desert. The road is arrow straight. I am alone walking. Walking. Walking. I am wearing beige and brown loose clothes, and brown sturdy sandals. I have no scarf or hat on, no hair.  The sun is not too bright, even though I am not wearing sunglasses.

The road leads to a rocky hill, dark brown and reddish with some green showing in the crags. It is not a smooth hill, it is folding and undulating. It is miles and miles away, just a bump on the horizon. A hill in the middle of the desert.

But I am peaceful. I am not thirsty or scared or lonely in the least. I question myself,  Why I am not scared?   I don't answer with words. I just shrug my shoulders and smile and keep walking. Some voice from above my head asks me how I feel. I answer, "tired." One of the words on my stones.

There are rough stones and rocks strewn everywhere on the ground, dust at each step. Walk past a sign next to the road. It says, "I am with you always", which is from the end of Matthew.

I tilt my head up, I can feel God's presence here. All around me. I am tired, but I keep walking. Peaceful. Walking slowly.

I warp ahead to the foot of the hill (aren't dreams great like that.) The path goes around a corner that was hidden by a rocky wall. I am now at a stream about eight feet wide. The other side of the stream is green and lush, and smells of cool breezes and flowers. There are gorgeous trees over there with big personalities.  It is a verdant English countryside forest with filtered light and blue butterflies and white daisies.

There is a small bridge of roped-together planks, swinging and rickety. Jesus is standing on this side of the bridge. He puts out his hand towards me. I give him my three stones. I get it, that the stone saying "long" is my fear. I have handed it to Him, He has taken it from me.

He takes my hand and helps me cross the bridge. He silently lets go of my hand and walks away.  I am so relieved to be safe on the other side. I end the dream standing there, just smiling ear to ear. Taking in the cool and the beauty and the peacefulness.

The three stones, here's my thoughts:

"tired" is how I feel now. Simple to figure this one out. He will restore my soul, He will recharge me. Not much emotion with this one, I'm just tired.

"long" is my fear. This is a long journey. Sometimes it seems so difficult. Can I keep on going? Am I doing it right? And will I succeed? I have always thought that I am good in a crisis, but boy it is so much more difficult to be disciplined and committed for the long haul. It is human nature to loose focus and patience and to keep on the path day after day after day. To stay in His presence all day long. "I can do it, I can do it" and then the next morning "Do I have to do it again?"

"vital" is my future. I want to live, not only just survive but LIVE with capital letters. I want to be enthusiastic for all God wants me to do here on earth. I want to be free from worrying about stuff that doesn't matter. I want to be filled with the Spirit and let His love overflow through me and out onto every single person I am with. I want the priorities of my life to be corrected. I have never thought of the word "vital", but it's a good one. I want to live so that God gets the credit.

I have handed these three to Jesus, my fear, my future and my present. He is in control and what a wonderful thing that is for me.

I take this dream as encouragement. My life is entering a new chapter. This past week my body has been reacting to chemo, first zapping cancer cells then getting to the work of healing the healthy part of my body, once again. It is like walking through a desert at times. Interesting that I wasn't scared or lonely in this dream. Fantastic that I got a glimpse of the "vital" future, the green and lush and healthy.

I will be patient. He will guide me there.

Soap Bubble

I am comfortable and peaceful, floating in a soap bubble.

I am encased in a transparent soap bubble. You know how soap bubbles contain all the colors in their translucent shell, well this one does too. I can see through it, at the same time the colors in the bubble are breath-taking.  Magical. I am peaceful just watching the bubble around me.

It's strong enough to hold me, just floating along. I am not worried it will break.

It flexes when I sift positions. There are soft cushions to lay on. I have all the room I want to stretch out, to move about.

I can see out perfectly, can hear the noises from outside muffled. Very pleasant. Conversations. Laughter.

It smells fresh and clean inside, well oxygenated air.

It is sunny outside, but I 'm not hot, I am surrounded by the perfect temperature, and so relaxed I might just fall asleep here.

Or sometimes it is starry out. When it is night around my bubble, and I see the twinkling stars and the fireflies. I stand up and try to touch them, but that's silly, the stars are too far away.

My soap bubble is held aloft by hands. Hands of family, of friends, and of people I don't even know. I can't really see everyone's face, just their hands lifted high, bopping me and my soap bubble along. All the people with the upraised hands are happy, chatting with each other, hopping  up to get their hands to touch the bubble, giving me little taps to keep the bubble going, gentle taps.

Everyone does their lifting and bopping. Like the Cameron Crazies at Duke, jumping all game, rotating from the front row up to the last row when they tire out, letting others jump up and down. So students are jumping all game for the Duke players.

All together, my bubble stays afloat and light and airy and it keeps moving forward. Sometimes faster, sometimes slower.

This is what I have been picturing these last few days, me in a soap bubble. Haven't intended to, it just has been what I have been picturing Thursday and Friday when I nap.

While at acupuncture Thursday, I daydreamed.  The soap bubble was floating in a lowly lit fog, and it was even more restful. I could picture healing breaths of air coming into my bubble, surrounding me and coursing through me healing me from chemo's actions. It was the moist, verdant feel of a rain forest, with no scary animals. Lots of growth.

While napping yesterday, my soap bubble floated over green meadows like Ireland has, over the grass of the low country of South Carolina, and over villages that looked like they are in a Thomas Kinkade painting.

My bubble settled in a grassy-watery area like the south Florida Everglades, floated slowly down the water, and then rested sticking to the grass of the side, letting the slow lazy river flow by. That's where I left it.

You all lifted me up and carried me through these past few days.

Your messages, your food, your prayers, your flowers, your driving, your books, your laughter.

This is the substance of prayer, of kindnesses.

I couldn't do this without each and all of you.

Thank you.

Green Pasture

I am lying by a stream. Lying on my left side on the bright green, soft grass besides a stream. Under birch trees, with filtered light.

I am on the south bank, the stream is coming from the east behind me, softly flowing. Like streams from artesian springs in Harbor Springs Michigan running into Lake Michigan, or the streams along the golf course in Sun Valley Idaho. I can reach out and touch the other side of the stream.

The water is crystal clear and cool. As the stream passes me, it makes an acute angle turn to the left, so I am lying on a V-shaped little promontory of the pasture. The water slows down below me, makes an eddy.  Through the still water I can see the bottom of this little stream. It is filled with the smooth round stones of years of water, brown and golden and taupe. All sizes, all shapes.

I am really comfortable. I am completely healthy, and resting as if I just ran a few miles (this is a dream) and then plopped down here to catch my breath. My body feels strong and exercised. My head is propped up on my left arm, I am looking over towards the other side of the stream.

Jesus appears, sitting down on the bank right opposite me. In white linen robes. He is relaxed and comfortable sitting there, as if He is going to stay for awhile. Not a quick visit. He looks at me and smiles.

I am not surprised to see Him. I am happy and curious and content. As if this is a daily occurrence, that He would come to visit with me.

I go to sit up and he tells me- stay resting. So I do.

Then I think, but this is rude to not sit up while talking with Him, He is Jesus, so I go to sit up again and he says, Stay resting, I am your friend. I get the idea, this is two friends sitting on either side of a stream talking. Relaxed conversation. No rush.

A blue butterfly flits by me. On my side of the stream, stopping here and there at wildflowers. I watch it as it becomes part of our little group.

A cow walks up from the pasture behind Jesus, stops at Jesus' right shoulder. A brown and white cow, peaceful and gentle. She looks at me with those huge cow eyes. Tail flicking back and forth. I say, I would really like a sheep. Jesus continues smiling at me, and the cow continues her gentle gazing at me. I say again, Could you have this be a sheep instead of a cow, because I like sheep a lot and don't I get to choose? It stays a cow.

I try again to get up and He puts out His hand, says - Stay resting. I will do this. I will heal you. I will do the work.

I am really happy to hear this. I am certain He is in control and He will tell me if or when I need to do anything. So I will rest and listen to Him.

I tell Jesus, Why are you doing all this for me? He says, You are worth it.

I say, Why am I worth all this? He responds, Because I created you.

End of dream.
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I don't always remember my dreams. This one I remember so clearly, I remember the colors as vivid as real life in the bright noon sun. I remember the words, and the funny part where I wanted a sheep to appear and one didn't.

I am not a Jungian dream analyst. I have read some on dream analysis and symbols. Bottom line, sometimes I think about a dream I have had and it makes sense. I do look up some obvious symbols, like the butterfly in this dream. Some dreams, I have no idea what they mean.

Some back story on this one. Before going to sleep, I was talking with God about the choice for two more chemos, should I do it? I had asked God to give guidance to Dr. M to make this decision, and Dr. M says do two more. He was very clear on this. So I was saying to God, did you really give Dr. M guidance?

Why do we do this? Ask God to do something, then doubt He did it?

So I asked God for confirmation, for peace that this is the path He wants me to take with healing.

I wake up the next morning, having had this dream.

The butterfly, in dream symbols, foretells transformation / rebirth.

The cow to me symbolized motherhood. I take the cow in my dream as my mother looking on me lovingly.

Water is symbolic of emotions, and this was peaceful, clear, cleansing water.

The sheep request, I have to add, is funny. It was like watching THE OFFICE where they talk to the viewer directly once in a while. Yes, I think sheep are great. I have happy memories of seeing them all over Ireland. My favorite Psalm is 23 (the Lord is my shepherd.)

A few weeks ago, M, S and B were all in our living room, and we were talking about sheep. S and B both grew up on farms, and think they are dumb, smelly animals. They tried to convince me of this, and I tried to convince them they are intelligent, cuddly creatures. Of course, I had very little facts to support my case. It was so funny.

It doesn't matter to me, love is blind, I think they are fluffy and adorable.


In my mind, I am visualizing my body healing.

The chemo drugs are that clean, clear water washing through and taking out any cancer cells.

Then my White Blood Cells are sheep that meander through and eat any errant cancer cells.

The cancer cells look like fish eyes. The sheep (which in my imagination are fluffy and white and clean and smiling) rub against the insides of my organs and leave soothing lanolin to protect my heart, etc from damage.

This dream felt so real, so comfortable, so comforting.

He is restoring my body, He will restore my soul.