Sitting in my sand yellow leather chair upstairs in our bedroom a few mornings ago, a thought zooms into my mind like an arrow.
Am I doing this right?
Then another arrow:
Am I doing enough?
Followed by other thoughts-
Is my lifestyle being redirected enough?
Am I learning the lessons I need to learn to stay cancer-free?
Have I taken up all the habits I need that will keep me healthy?
Have I gotten rid of the thoughts that need cleaning out?
Have I forgiven enough?
Have I processed enough?
Am I thankful enough?
Have I done enough?
Bernie Siegel (author of Love, Medicine and Miracles - a GREAT book to read anytime in life, but especially if you get cancer) says to ask yourself - Why did my body need this disease?
My first answer - to redirect my life.
And how am I doing on that redirection you might ask?
I've stopped in my tracks in the midst of a most hectic year of life and started refocusing.
I know I want to live fully in the freedom of God's presence all day long.
I'm seeing anew the value of me, my husband, my family, my dear friends.
I am spending time on what is important to me.
But am I doing it right?
My question of AM I DOING THIS RIGHT is on two levels - on the physical level of healing, and on the spiritual level of healing. You don't just get better physically and then move on, forgetting the spiritual lessons of healing. At least I don't want to. Like every event in life, I want to emerge out the other side closer to the woman God intended me to be.
In rereading this blog entry, it is meandering, non-focused, choppy.
Can you tell I am a bit uncertain of the path forward, that my mind is peeking down lots of paths and weighing them against each other? Waiting for guidance.
Oh, the peaceful existence of a basset hound. No worries as long as she can lie on the sofa and look over at the alpha dog (that's me, I'm the alpha dog.)
And that's us with God, no worries as long as we can lift our faces and look to Him.
Physical level - Big decision
I was so excited the day Dr. M said okay to six chemos. Well, now I am leaning towards only five. Chemo is a balance between enough chemicals to kill off the cancer cells and but not too many chemicals that harm your healthy body longterm. I understand with the group I got, you have potential to damage your heart, bone marrow, liver and nerves.
This time around, ten days after chemo #5, my feet are both still tingling, the front of my left shin feels like it has been burned, and my hands are tingly. Also for the week after chemo, I had floppy feet at times. It was difficult to smoothly go up and down stairs as my feet didn't make those small adjustments you make with each step. I think the feet nerves weren't giving my muscles the instantaneous feedback needed for balance. My mouth and esophagus also were more severely affected, they were sore and hoarse.
You can't tell if your heart, liver, bone marrow's been damaged long term yet, so the nerve issues to me are the canary in the coal mine.
I've been on time for each of the five chemos, and I think they have done their work as evidenced by the nerve issues and the hair loss, etc. Actually I am confident the chemo has zapped any errant cancer cells. Dr M's assistant said the majority of patients on this chemo mix and schedule do not make the first five on schedule. And that it isn't a clear cut decision to do four, five or six, there are pro's and con's to each way and really it is my decision at this point. I fall between the cracks of the protocols.
It's a risk-reward decision to stop at five. Getting in one more than four was excellent. My feeling is that a sixth chemo would do more damage to me than it would help me. I don't want to make this decision because I am scared of physically feeling yechy for Chemo #6. I am comfortable I could do it. I want to listen to the signals my body's giving me, and do the best for long term health.
So I have an appointment next Wed AM with Dr. M, to discuss and decide. If the front of my shin is still burning constantly, this will be an easy decision. And we will discuss when radiation starts.
Yes, I think the chemo has done its job. No more cancer cells running amok inside me.
Shouldn't I be jumping up and down for joy?
I'm not.
Why not?
First of all, I am tired all day long. I have about six good hours a day, during which I am delightfully happy to be seeing friends and getting a little exercise. Then I crash.
Second of all, I am still mulling this over inside. I am feeling more peaceful each day that the chemo is finished and no more is needed. That five chemos is the right decision. I am almost there. What a huge life decision.
Third of all, it hasn't seeped in. I have been marshaling all my energy to cooperate with chemo physically and spiritually, and now I will be changing to radiation. A new focal point. That's why I ask, did I get all I needed to get out of the chemo?
I read an online journal of a breast cancer survivor this weekend, and she didn't follow the doctor's orders it seemed. She traveled and partied, and had to put off chemos and spend many days in the hospital. And she is cured, eight years now. Am I being too picky about doing it all right, maybe that causes stress in itself? It's amazing how you can over think this... No I don't think I am being too picky. But I had that thought!
Spiritual Level - The real growth
Again, am I doing this right?
Having cancer is a wonderful time to see Jesus more clearly, to spend time getting to know Him a whole lot better, to learn what it is to need Him and to receive His grace in a huge way.
It is also a time to search your soul and see what needs pruning. And to search your daily life and see what needs changing.
Think of it as an eight month strategic planning session on your life, with God as the facilitator.WOW!
I see that I can be the elder son in the Prodigal Son story. I have been responsible and following all the rules, but am I like the Pharisees that sometimes I miss the point
The point is I already am His. Don't have to earn it. He wants me to wake up with Him every morning, spend time with Him, walk with Him all day long, really enjoying His presence. And then at the end of the day, rest peacefully knowing He thinks the day was fantastic because I was with Him. That's it, plain and simple. Wow.
Am I doing what He wants me to do at this time in my life? Is there some concept I am not grasping
I have so much to learn in the spiritual growth area.
I want to pray better.
I want to meditate many days a week.
I want my relationship with God to deepen.
I want my relationships with my dear friends to deepen.
I want to resent less, compassion more
I want to love others purely.
I want to blur the boundary between my time communicating with God and the rest of the day.
I want to do anything and everything He wants me to.
I want to be of use to Him.
I want others to see He loves them, to care for others for Him.
I want to be a woman more in line with what He wants me to be.
I want more God in my life.
Luckily, God wants more of Him in my life too. So I know I'll be getting help from Him on that one.
Wouldn't it be much easier if getting closer to God were a snap-your-fingers deal. But it isn't. And today I listened to a sermon which touched on JUST THIS POINT. Hmmmm.
It was titled "Sullenberger flew a plane into a river". This guy was a hero, you know the story, a flock of Canadian Geese flew into the engine and it froze, he couldn't land at LaGuardia, if he landed on the Jersey Turnpike many in cars would die. He had minutes to decide and take action. He decided to land on the Hudson River, and no one was killed.
The point is, he was a hero, but he wasn't just a guy from the coach section who happened to be called up to the cockpit and rescue the plane by miraculous insight in emergency landings, etc. He was an experienced pilot who had rigorous education and training, years of flying with minor crises which taught him lessons along the way. He very well could have gotten divine insight during those crucial minutes, but overall he had an idea of how to handle an emergency. He had spent years and years training and learning and preparing.
That is US. That is ME. We are becoming who we are meant to be.
God doesn't necessarily snap His fingers and BOOM I am jumped to the next higher level in my relationship with Him or SHAZAM I am light years more compassionate or loving or generous. No, it is a process. It is a way. It is a journey. Every day of my life, if I ask and am open to receiving, God's love rains down on me all day long. He works on me like the potter and the clay. He is transforming me into who He wants me to be. He is guiding me where He wants me to go. And He is showing me what He wants me to see.
Our society isn't into slow process, it is into instant.
I don't see the instant changes in me.
Instant holiness or instant healing.
His time concept is not our time concept.
I am loved. He is guiding me. I'm His.
So
Am I doing this right?
How can I not be when He is my guide.
P.S. Mike's succinct comment on all my questions above - Sara, It's a process.
This blog journeys through the treatments of surgery, surgery, chemos, radiations. I didn't include the final surgery. 
