I have two thoughts.
First, Faith is more than believing, it is trusting.
Read that again.
Faith is more than believing, it is trusting.
Now, for all you English majors out there, you are so good at definitions and connotations and contemplation. For us Chemical Engineers, it takes quite awhile for verbal nuances to sink in to our brains. We are into logic and flow charts and material balances where the answers are black and white. But this phrase really hit me this week.
I was listening to a sermon on Faith by on my IPAD, and I am not sure if this was his main point, but it is what I took away from the sermon. We all think that faith is believing. But it is more, it is trusting. With every ounce of your being, your life, your things, your relationships. It is black and white.
Okay, if faith is believing, then how do you know you believe? How do I know I am healed? How do I know that God will never leave my side? I know faith is not a feeling, it is a decision. So how many times in my life do I believe God on some issue, but still go ahead and do it my way just in case.
Well, now let's think about this. If I truly had faith, I would trust God. And in comes the peace. The peace that defies understanding. Do not be anxious for anything, but present it to God and He will give you peace that passes understanding. Not because that peace is a magical wand thing, but because when you present your trouble to God, and you trust He is in charge, you just don't worry. There is no room for worry. That's where the peace comes from.
So many days I ask God for this, for that, lift this up to Him, and figure, okay now I've prayed, I can go on with my day. He's got it under control. I think He wants more from me. I think He wants me to cooperate with Him on some of the issues. Trust Him, so I know He is in control, and trust Him enough so I will listen to Him and get on board.
To be specific, I have asked God to heal me from breast cancer. I have believed He will. If you have read prior blogs, I told you I believe I will be healed and fine ninety five percent of the time. I have asked Him to show me signs of my healing, and that I will have faith that He will reveal all the healing at some point. I have seen scars from surgery heal, I have seen nausea pass, intestinal upset heal, hair fall out, hot flashes, achy bones. These are all great signs.
So how do I know I trust God is working out my healing? Because I have that peace. I know without a shred of doubt, not five percent or even one percent, that He is totally in control of my healing, and He is pulling out all the stops and there is nothing that will prevent my body from healing.
THERE'S THE SIGN, the billboard I have been waiting for. (I need billboards sometimes.) THANK YOU. I have a husband who is up to his eyeballs in crises, truly, yet I know I am his first priority. I have a friend who has put her life aside, and has been staying here at the house for this whole cycle. How awesome is that? All week I have been smiling, surrounded by loving people and soothing music and random kindnesses and prayers. Prayers that float up and are heard.
So there is my thought number one - Faith isn't just believing, it is trusting with all your heart and body and spirit and every minute of the day that what God tells you He will do, He will do. And He will give you peace every minute of the day so you don't worry about it.
What is trust? When you have your first baby, you want to go out to dinner just the two adults, and whoever you have chosen to babysit for that 2 hour time span shows up. You hand your baby into their arms. That is trust.
Thought number two - God heals, we need to cooperate. We do need to cooperate with Him, not just give Him the laundry list and say, Thanks God, and tootle off. Right now, I need to be gentle with my body while He's working out the healing. Yes He could do all this without me, but isn't part of the point that I WANT to be close to Him, so how do you get close to someone?
Work with them, walk with them, listen to them, talk to them, be with them.
It takes time. Quantity time as well as quality time.
Monday, July 26, 2010
Sunday, July 25, 2010
Avelox and the rhythm of chemo
If you know what Avelox is, you know where this post is headed.
If you don't, well, here goes... For some reason I am compelled to write down the details of the days of chemo, so if you are not interested, I understand. And remember, I'll never know if you read this or not!
Chemo Day 0 - Monday (the day before Chemo)
I try to get ready in the best way possible. Take two Dexamethasone which prevents me from getting inflamed from chemo, but also hypes you up. I exercised a lot in the morning on the elliptical machine listening to sermon online, had lunch with two upbeat friends at Houstons, spent the afternoon paying bills and getting caught up on all the home-stuff, desk work. Checked in on the baseball league (and they are doing great without me) and asked for a prayer at the Glennon House. Just stopped in and asked them to pray for me, which they did right there.
Dinner was with Mike, peaceful, grilled meat and veggie. Dear friend S arrives to stay for seven to eight days as Mike is probably traveling later this week. Then a funny movie on DVD after dinner, one Seinfeld episode, and to bed feeling very peaceful. This is the second chemo so I think I know what to expect more than last time.
Chemo Day 1 - Tuesday (the day of Chemo)
Nice walk in the morning with S. Stopped in on L for a hug. I walk around feeling as if I am in a daze, all buzzed up on steroid.
Lunch with S, M, M at PF Changs, eating ginger chicken and well cooked broccoli and rice, lots of tea and water. Want to super hydrate. I'm into hydration. Took my Dexamethasone. Not supposed to take any vitamins, minerals (except calcium, magnesium and D3) the entire time. No herbal supplements. Have Colace and Miralax for digestive inspiration. Drank a BioK (liquid yogurt), which I think is good for the digestion system that will get a shock today. Dr. M is okay with any food, not with juicing foods or supplements. I'm on that page too. After the chemo, then we can see. But now, I don't want to do anything to counteract the chemo's work.
Arrived at Doctor M's at 1:15, got blood work done, they gave me some IV's first - clean out the port with heparin, then Benedryl (antihistamine) and Zofran (anti nausea). This all takes 20 minutes. Now starts the chemo itself, the Cytoxan. When that bag is done, then the Taxotere. I eat ice chips and drink water (the ice is supposed to prevent mouth sores). I am the first in and last done, at 5:15. S waited in the waiting room. Mike went to work after the doctor visit (5 minutes away).
I am trying to picture different visuals during chemo. I like the little clear and pure brook, pure cool water just meandering down through a field. Like my Correll grandparents property in Bernardsville. I see the grass and moss overgrowing the banks. Willow tree leaning over the brook. I am lying down on the moss and watching the water. Once in a while a leaf floats down. Smoothed stones on the bottom of the brook. The cool pure water is the chemo flowing along, gently carrying away what isn't needed.
I also see the ocean, the aqua/ teal/ blue marine color of white sand under the ocean, gentle waves, white foam, endless water. I used to tell Mack and Corey that a wave meant that a whale was jumping someone way out in the ocean. Ocean water is so soothing, so calming. You can bob up and down on a gentle day, or sit on the beach and just listen to the waves and watch them in and out. And across the horizon is another beach, of people looking back at you. You just can't see them, but they are there. The gentle waves are the chemo, washing out the cancer cells.
One of my dear friends who has been through this says she envisioned a porch swing, and God rocking her in it. I like that one too.
After Chemo S sits with me in the car, going over the whole afternoon. How wonderful to have a listening ear and empathetic heart right in the car next to me.
So then we arrive home about 6, have dinner delivered from a dear friend. I am so jumpy, nothing hurts, just hyped up. Delicious picadillo and yellow rice and salad. Just delicious. How cool is this, people bring us dinner. The atmosphere of the house is peaceful and tired. We are all a little anticipatory for the rest of the week. S and I go to Whole Foods after dinner to get some watermelon (somehow that seems appetizing) and L-Glutamine (an amino acid Dr. M says to take 5 times a day for 5 days, helps reduce nervous system side effects. I take it.)
We watch some recorded Seinfelds, I can't watch any crime shows or anything negative, just can't. Or even anything deep. Seinfelds are hysterically funny. Just have no tolerance for scary or negative stuff coming into any of my senses. Off to bed around 10, sleep all night. Well, I am 53 so I get up once to go pee, but so does every 53 year old woman... And I have had 2 gallons of water to drink today, I think. Seriously. One response to chemo I am noticing is your digestion and processing slows down. So I eat watermelon and take one Miralax, knowing things will be slowing down. That is, constipation.
Read Phillipians 1 before going to bed.
Chemo Day 2 - Wednesday
Wake up with Mike at 6 or 6:30 but I am able to drift in and out of sleep until 10. Amazing. It is a great time to pray, I love that. Absolutely love that. This is the "Being still and know that I am God." I have never ever been able to lie in bed for hours, praying and thinking and drifting. And, well, the time is now!
Listen to my body. Was up once during the night, that's normal. Set to walk the Milennia Mall with M and S, so we leave about 11, walk three times pretty leisurely around. Great as it is air conditioned (its 95 outside), and open and airy and as malls go fairly peaceful. Eat a good lunch there, of turkey, avocado and asparagus soup. LOTS of water. Waiter is wondering what is going on! M and S are so kind, love to hear them talk. I don't think I am contributing much of substance to the conversation, but they don't seem to mind.
Roses dropped off. A burst of beauty. Colors you can't believe. Kindness is a really really nice thing.
Feeling spacey. Nothing hurts, nothing aches. Feeling jumpy, drop things a lot. A lot. I am putting antibiotic cream on the two biopsies on my scalp, wearing the wig outside the house, a scarf or 1950's terry cloth turban inside. My port's in my right arm, and it is very bruised from the chemo. I can't wear any fabric over it. The location is something I am still getting used to, as you bump it constantly against the side of you when you walk (maybe I really sway my arms?) Or when you lie on your back it touches the sofa. But in the last chemo cycle I got used to it the last week and it didn't ache at all. Just sharp jabs down the length of my arm if I twisted my arm a certain way. Right now, it is just annoying.
I am scrubbing my feet, as I want them clean. And I am brushing and flossing and using Fluoride rinse two or three times a day, as I had two cavities but the dentist said they were shallow and lets wait until after chemo to fill them. It takes forever to get ready to go downstairs in the morning!
At home, I take a nap, and wake up for dinner spacey and jumpy. Bloating is uncomfortable. More watermelon. I feel like I am pregnant, look like I am pregnant. I want to drink lots of water to help my kidneys and liver flush out, and my body wants to hold it all in! My heart rate feels like it is 100 BPM. Racing and racing heart. No headache, which is great. Napped in the afternoon.
The precious friend who was to bring dinner emails that she is ill and can't bring dinner. I don't check emails, but we figure something was up and S throws together a fantastic dinner from what we have in the refrigerator, how cool is that! Thank goodness my friend didn't cook while ill. God provides, it all works out.
After dinner, starting to feel really tired. C stopped by this evening, so good to see him. For me and Mike and S. So good.
To bed, slept well.
Read Philippians 2.
Chemo Day 3- Thursday
Again, lying in bed until about 11, praying and dreaming and thinking and dozing. Came downstairs and Suzanne is here waiting. How wonderful to have someone here, to walk through this with me. Exercised on elliptical machine for twenty minutes, feeling good. Went to Dr. M for Neuplasta shot (which spurs your body on to make blood cells in a few days, just as your own are dying out) and I only needed half dose because my white blood count was good and high when I had chemo Tuesday. I feel so excited, like I have accomplished something? Don't know why.
Lunch with Corey and Mike and S at First Watch, felt like an omelet. Still downing the iced tea, water and L-Glutamine. Very tired afterward.
Elevated heart rate, port still feeling bruised. I think a battle is being fought inside my body. I can feel the little soldiers with their little swords. The cool thing is, I know who wins... the good guys. I am so spacey I talk to the soldiers out loud, tell them they're doing well.
Acupuncture in the afternoon to help with digestion, nausea (which I don't have), and overall immune support. Slight fever in evening with hugely swollen glands in my neck. Headache starting over eyes and under eyes. Only soup for dinner. Mike and S ate fantastic pasta and soup and homemade blueberry pie. I had some pie too. B brought us a little sunshine.
I am feeling not so good. But slept well. Boy it feels great to lie down in bed each night.
Read Philippians 3
Chemo Day 4- Friday
Up at 11, glands in neck really swollen and eyebrow and cheek sinuses throbbing. Took long hot shower to try to get things clearing out. Tired. After being out of bed thirty minutes, ready to go right back to sleep. Had lymph massage and fell asleep on table. Very spacey, need to say things out loud as I do them. Really glad I'm not signing any legal documents. S is awesome, as I wouldn't know what to do if she weren't here.
I want to go to the mall and walk for exercise. What am I thinking? Thank goodness she just ignores me and takes me home. Immediately fall asleep. Nap all afternoon. Don't want loud music, loud talking, the cars all were driving by so fast and aggressively. Don't want to listen to Ellen DeGeneres talk showbecause the clapping and laughing is too loud. The dryer signal sounds like a fog horn. Digestive system has gone kaput, ate two crackers and chicken broth and mashed potato.
Fantastic pot roast and mashed potatoes and green beans brought over, this is so nice. I never knew how much these dinners meant. Mike and S ate it up, and we have enough for us for in a day or two. This is so nice. Those mashed potatoes, what a great invention in the food world. What a genius thought - lets cook these bulbous brown roots, add some butter and salt and milk, and for some reason lets take a stick and break them up so it is all mushy. You don't do that with, say, watermelon.. But thank you whoever did it first with potatoes.
And a Murano glass Christmas Tree as a gift, straight from Venice, as what a celebration Christmas will be when this year is over! Cool!
At 6 PM temperature is 100.9, at 7 PM its 101.2. If fever is over 100.5 you have to call the doctor on call. So I call the doctor, and its after hours so I get Dr. G calling me back, who is wonderful. He asks what my white blood count was Tuesday, and if I have any drug allergies. Glad I have my blood work sheet handy. He prescribes Avelox. Seems I have an infection. I guess it is the sinuses, which has been lingering since the week before Chemo #1. Now I can take Advil, which helps the headache. I take a hot shower, clear out the sinuses some, and fall into bed. I count on the Avelox working.
God's just gotta do this. You know, this is where you trust. All the conversations I had been having about faith and trust and believing all of a sudden got real. Here, I have an infection that needed "a drug of last resort when all other antibiotics have failed." And you know how easier it is to be positive when you have just had a good run listening to your new, upbeat playlist? Well, that wasn't me Friday night. I felt like poop. Neck glands large and tender, throbbing head, so tired I could just fall asleep at any second. And that's when trust comes in. God was in control and I need not worry one second. If the fever was still there in twenty four hours, it was to the ER I would go. Well, it was really up to God how this was going to play out. Just lay back and let Him work, through the doctors and family and friends. So I did. And He did. And yes, it was so nice having Mike and S there. I knew they would be here with me all night. How nice to have someone to stay watch through the night.
Read part of Philippians 4 - Mike and I got distracted by the verses in it he had emailed me weeks ago:
6 Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
Chemo Day 5- Saturday
Up early again at 11 AM (that's humor...)
No fever. (Digital thermometers are great.)
Sinuses still throbbing, but better (be patient Sara).
Long hot shower.
Heartbeat still high, figure the body is working!
A cracker and beef onion soup and chicken vegetable soup and a yam.
Walked around the block.
We all took Dad to Jason's Deli for lunch. I think this is important to Dad, to see me. And I can muster up one hour out. He is very pleasant to be with. He doesn't drive, so this is his outing. He walks really slowly. And today he walked faster than me.
Slept all afternoon. Played Scrabble in the evening, even beat Mike once. Which proves my head wasn't so spacey! Again what a comfort to have S here, just here. We are all reading, watching a little television, on our IPADs and laptops.
We got an offer to stay at a friends house in North Carolina in September. WHAT A GIFT! I don't want the germs of a hotel, and now we have a rejuvenating week to look forward to. How much easier when you have something to look forward to! Can you believe how kind people are?
And my throat isn't sore! YEAH! It was sore in chemo #1, but isn't now! That's improvement! That's improvement.
S made dinner, grilled chops and veggies.
The fog is clearing. Nausea still there, but it is so handle-able. Really is. I am trying to listen to my body, for what it wants. Can't my body learn to speak a little louder? Oops, watch out what you ask for, because it has been speaking pretty loudly the last few days. I'll be patient and I will listen carefully... God, I am so glad you have a sense of humor.
Finished Philippians 4
Chemo Day 6 - Sunday
Up at 10 AM.
Head still throbbing. I tried a Neti Pot for your sinuses, that tells you how desperate I am to get my sinuses cleared. NEVER thought I would do one of those. But I asked S to buy me one yesterday, just in case. The things you end up doing. Never say never. It seems to have improved the situation.
Woke up in middle of the night with the sensation that there was someone spraying water on the bottom of my feet. Not hurting, just tingling. Interesting. That stayed all day.
L-Glutamine is done for the cycle, phew. It is just chalky tasting, but hey if it helps protect, I'll do it.
Still doing Bio K intense yogurt daily.
Read about Avelox online , which tells me to not take Magnesium near it, so I won't. Glad I read that.
Mike and I went out to lunch at Croissant Gourmet. Some places feel clean and fresh, and smell that way. This is one. Everything is fantastic there. Apple Turnover and quiche. Appetite's returning. We walked a few blocks in downtown Winter Park. Its hot out.
Head is settling down. Just a dull ache. The port is still bothersome, but I don't feel it until it touches something. Napped most of the afternoon.
S made oatmeal cookies from scratch that were so fantastic we can't stop eating them, and she cooked all afternoon - a gourmet feast - a fantastic marinated chicken (grilled), roasted peppers, quinoa, and green salad. Corey and T cane over for dinner and a movie. How precious it is to sit at the table, talk and laugh and eat good food. And then the movie- Hitch. It is so funny I laughed, we all laughed. You have to laugh every day. Just the perfect evening. If you haven't seen this movie, and you want to belly laugh, go for it.
Read Henri Nouwen, Bread for the Journey
Chemo Day 7 - Monday
Woke up about 9 AM, with just fleeting little blips in my lower back and pelvis. This is a good thing- this is blood cells being churned out by my bone marrow. I love it. With less Neuplasta, I probably won't have any bone ache, or minimal. That started Sunday afternoon last time.
Sinuses feel better, no throbbing at all. Just like they are sore. This is fantastic.
I still am a little weak, just need to nap and treat my body gently. The first chemo round I was so proud of being on the elliptical every day for a minimum of twenty minutes. This time, I'm letting my body heal, and walking is just fine for exercise.
I feel very proud of the vicarious exercise I get every day from S. She was up at 7 AM every day and does pilates, yoga, ran, walked, jogged, ab crunch, power crunch, crunch crunch, all at the YMCA. Just hearing about it every day makes me tired..
One episode of Seinfeld, then to bed.
James 1
Chemo Day 8 - Tuesday
Woke up at 11. Still the chills / shivers going through my hips... which is the sign my bones are cranking out new blood. The antibiotic's definitely healing the sinus infection. The digestion system is meandering towards normal. Meandering. I really think about what I am going to eat. Should it be raw vegetables/ salads or stewed vegetables/ soups. Which is is? I know I am learning to listen to my body more. Learning.
Still sleeping 16 hours per day. Came home from walking, I was going to lie down for 30 minutes, and then 2 hours later emerged. Mike's in NYC for the entire day. We watched Don Juan de Marco (with Johnny Depp).. what a great movie - the power of the our thoughts and the beauty of romance. Seeing Faye Dunaway and Marlon Brando giddily in love, dancing on the beach. It's such a good one.
Chemo Day 9 - Wednesday
Tired, but back to business. Digestive system is doing well. Still sleeping till mid/ late morning. Trying to be gentle on the body, no 45 minutes on the elliptical. When I take the Avelox, my stomach is just plain upset for a few hours, but fades. If this were a year ago, I wouldn't even notice it. But now, I seem to be heightened to any misstep in my body.
I do not want to obsess about things, but I don't want to be a fool and ignore something. So, if I notice something off, I analyze it, should I do something, and if no, then it gets lifted up. If I should do something, then I do, and THEN lift it up. The port still just bothers me. It is still bruised (its two inches above my right elbow, on the inside towards my body). You just bump it all the time, and even sitting down, it rests against your body. Doesn't hurt just knaws at you. Oh well... Ate the fantastic Thai Crunch salad at California Pizza Kitchen with S, no edamame, only peanut dressing and its on the side. Walked the Milennia Mall 2 times.
I failed on the keep calm, trust God part this afternoon. We delivered all the containers from dinners. S drove, the Navi in the car navigated (isn't that the coolest invention... I like the Australian accent choice.) Late in the afternoon I got a text that the power had been off at our house, I misread it, I thought it had been off for four hours, but it had been one hour. We have a full house generator that didn't kick in. So, the whole way driving back to the house I am panicked - calling the power out number telling them they have to fix the power line. What should we do, book into a hotel for the night (it does get hot in Florida without air conditioning.) I didn't yell or cry, but I definitely was panicked. We get home, I try to fiddle with the generator, and within 15 minutes the power goes on (not by me.) Problem over, and I didn't trust that it would all work out beautifully. Oh well, I failed the "Don't sweat the small stuff, and it's all small stuff" test. I am not perfect...
Chemo Day 10 - Thursday
S left. I was really sad. On the positive side, I am certainly physically better and able to take care of myself. On the sad side, how wonderful to have someone right here to walk with you and she just left (I mean that figuratively and literally).
I remember going up to the Poconos as a high schooler, being an au pair for a weekend for a family. Putting one of their kids to bed one night, she was opening up a Snickers candy bar (which in retrospect tells you I probably wasn't the best choice as a babysitter as I didn't seem to think there was anything wrong with this eight year old eating candy in bed before sleep). She was sitting in bed, opening it up, broke off a piece and handed it to me. I said I didn't want it, and she said, 'But things always taste better when you share them." Wow. I can remember that moment right now. And that's it, anything and everything is better when you share it.
I am still tired. But now is the time to catch up on all the things that have slipped by for the past 10 days...
This chemo is do-able. Very do-able.
I think without the sinus infection, Chemo #3 will be easier.
Without Mike and S, without my kids, without my friends, without your prayers, I couldn't do this.
With you all, we are doing this.
Life is good.
God is good.
And every day is a beautiful day.
Saturday, July 24, 2010
Email responses
Congrats on finishing chemo #2. You are doing great!
After reading your blog, a few thoughts that may or may not help:
1. Doctors do make mistakes, and most do not mind being challenged with treatments etc. I have found that often they like those patients that have other opinions from research or common sense judgments. How boring to have a patient that doesn't question a thing!! Challenge them I say!
2. We all make mistakes especially in emotional or trying circumstances, and God knows what we are going through fits both of those categories. I got the dosage wrong on my steroids before the 2nd treatment. It caused a difficult allergic reaction. The nurses and doctor took it in stride, but I felt so stupid. But you know, it was OK. They had given me soooo much information, and I just heard it wrong....information over load! Don't beat yourself up over those things.
3. And lastly, the nurses/assistants etc. don't remember everything. I also had to tell them they could not take blood or blood pressure from my left arm. They tried several times, and each time I stopped them. We have to be our own advocates, and it is important to have a voice and a loud one if needed.
Stay strong, stay focused and stay the course - this will be successfully over before you know it.
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Sleep well Sara and get your strength back! Be Still; Be Quiet; He be Drivin’! (Ole south proverb I just made up!
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Your thinking is so right! Let go and let God!
Feel well and if you don't- call the doctors for different medicine for relief. God made doctors and medicine!
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I will pray for Mike, too, because it is hard on the caregiver, sometimes harder than on the patient. I learned that - the patient is in survivor mode and ready to get on with it and do something constructive and caregiver is on the sideline, not sure what to do.
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Keep up the warrior’s attitude and you WILL have victory through our marvelous Lord!!
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Deep, slow breathes. Pray in, pray out.... "God Loves Me", "He's in Control"
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Prayer: There is nothing, no circumstance, no trouble or testing that can ever touch me until it has gone past God and past Christ to me. If it has come that far, it has come with a great purpose which I may not understand at the moment.
As I try not to panic, I will lift my eyes to Him and accept it as coming from the throne of Grace as a blessing to my own heart. No sorrow should ever disturb me, no circumstance should cause me to fret, for I will rest in the joy of who my Lord is.
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I was thinking about you and Mike. About the two of you going thru this together. Helping, holding, understanding, and praying for each other. What a shared path not most couples will ever receive.
You keep on going girl, half way thru this part, wahooo!!! Those lil pac men are just gobbling up those cells! Remember how they can turn on a dime and nothing escapes them, they know were everyone is. So I will think of these pac men doing what they do best, like I did for me. Every time I get a Slurpee I will use a pink straw signifying that breast cancer going away.
(I know a dumb thing but I used a pink straw for me and now i use a red one for heart strength.) what can I say.
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God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
After reading your blog, a few thoughts that may or may not help:
1. Doctors do make mistakes, and most do not mind being challenged with treatments etc. I have found that often they like those patients that have other opinions from research or common sense judgments. How boring to have a patient that doesn't question a thing!! Challenge them I say!
2. We all make mistakes especially in emotional or trying circumstances, and God knows what we are going through fits both of those categories. I got the dosage wrong on my steroids before the 2nd treatment. It caused a difficult allergic reaction. The nurses and doctor took it in stride, but I felt so stupid. But you know, it was OK. They had given me soooo much information, and I just heard it wrong....information over load! Don't beat yourself up over those things.
3. And lastly, the nurses/assistants etc. don't remember everything. I also had to tell them they could not take blood or blood pressure from my left arm. They tried several times, and each time I stopped them. We have to be our own advocates, and it is important to have a voice and a loud one if needed.
Stay strong, stay focused and stay the course - this will be successfully over before you know it.
----------------------
Sleep well Sara and get your strength back! Be Still; Be Quiet; He be Drivin’! (Ole south proverb I just made up!
---------------
Your thinking is so right! Let go and let God!
Feel well and if you don't- call the doctors for different medicine for relief. God made doctors and medicine!
---------
I will pray for Mike, too, because it is hard on the caregiver, sometimes harder than on the patient. I learned that - the patient is in survivor mode and ready to get on with it and do something constructive and caregiver is on the sideline, not sure what to do.
---------------
Keep up the warrior’s attitude and you WILL have victory through our marvelous Lord!!
--------------
Deep, slow breathes. Pray in, pray out.... "God Loves Me", "He's in Control"
-----------------
Prayer: There is nothing, no circumstance, no trouble or testing that can ever touch me until it has gone past God and past Christ to me. If it has come that far, it has come with a great purpose which I may not understand at the moment.
As I try not to panic, I will lift my eyes to Him and accept it as coming from the throne of Grace as a blessing to my own heart. No sorrow should ever disturb me, no circumstance should cause me to fret, for I will rest in the joy of who my Lord is.
---------------
I was thinking about you and Mike. About the two of you going thru this together. Helping, holding, understanding, and praying for each other. What a shared path not most couples will ever receive.
You keep on going girl, half way thru this part, wahooo!!! Those lil pac men are just gobbling up those cells! Remember how they can turn on a dime and nothing escapes them, they know were everyone is. So I will think of these pac men doing what they do best, like I did for me. Every time I get a Slurpee I will use a pink straw signifying that breast cancer going away.
(I know a dumb thing but I used a pink straw for me and now i use a red one for heart strength.) what can I say.
-----------
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
The unforced rhythms of grace - Chemo #2
Twenty four hours ago I was sitting in one of the six lounge chairs in Dr M's Chemo Lounge (does that make us lounge lizards) and was in the middle of the four and a half hour process of Chemo # 2. A very, very different experience than Chemo #1.
In retrospect, as God was in control, it was just what I needed. But in the middle of it, boy I wasn't thinking that. God provides all we need. He is in control. It's like those "learn to drive cars with two brake pedals and two steering wheels." I acknowledge that He is in control, I hand him the steering wheel, and then I keep using the instructor one too often, taking back control. AHHH!
I am warning you that this is a long entry, but I am doing this in that it might help someone else going through chemo. You won't insult me if you don't read it!
Okay, Monday was great. Lunch with two fantastic friends at Houston's, S and D. Upbeat and happy and just wonderful. Mike and I had a peaceful dinner here. Sat by the lake after dinner, watched the sun set.. Dear dear friend S arrived from Charlotte, who will be here all week. It takes two people to take care of me...
Tuesday did a gentle elliptical machine walk, lunch with S and M and M at PF Changs. These are dear, dear friends. All is good.
Got to the Doctors office and it started out rocky. I have a port in my right arm above the elbow, and I have had eleven lymph nodes removed from the left arm. The surgeon's office told me that no blood pressure cuff on the left arm, nor blood drawn from left arm.
The nurse calls me back for the blood pressure and blood drawing pre-chemo. She starts to do the blood pressure cuff on the left arm, which I say I don't think you should because of the eleven lymph nodes taken. Next she puts the cuff right over the port on the right arm and I say, I don't think that's a good idea either. So she asks me, how should she take my blood pressure then. I respond, I don't know, perhaps you could ask someone else. There's another nurse in the room. She puts the upper arm cuff on my left wrist and says, this will be good enough. Yes, on the wrist of the arm I told her had the eleven nodes removed. But I didn't want to keep arguing with a nurse who was about to stick me with a needle...
Next drawing blood. She goes towards the left arm, to put on the rubber band, and I remind her that is the arm where the lymph nodes were taken and I wasn't supposed to have blood drawn from that arm. And I was told they would draw blood from the port from now on. She said she had never drawn blood from an arm port, so how about from my wrist. After a good minute, she said she didn't see a good vein there, and asked me again what should she do. I said again, I don't know. I suggested she ask Dr. M what to do. I returned to the waiting room.
I know this was wordy, but that was how the visit started. She might have been having a bad day, but it shows you how important attitude is. It wasn't very confidence inspiring to me. Started the chemo visit off on the wrong foot, and I was emotional to start with. I know that. What follows is an interaction that any other day of my life would have been totally unmemorable. In retrospect it was so silly. Read on.
Then you see the doctor's assistant. You check off on one page your issues from the past three weeks, so they can see your status clearly, and it is well organized.
My biggest issue in the past three weeks was a sinus infection, which started probably Thursday (two days after Chemo #1), with a splitting headache, really large and tender neck glands, and that sinus ache under the eye and the ear ache. I was alternating Tylenol and Advil every two hours, my temp stayed under 100.5 for four days, so I never called them until the next week when the nasal discharge was way to obvious that it was a sinus infection not getting better. They prescribed a penicillin antibiotic, which I am not supposed to have due to allergy (pharmacy caught that, thank goodness.) I called the doctor on call again from the pharmacy, and they changed the prescription to a Z-pak (time release antibiotic.)
I told the doctor's assistant, I was scared the sinus infection isn't gone. It is improving, but I still have the symptoms. Improved, but not gone.
The first lesson, do not take Tylenol or Advil if you have any fever, because they want to see if it will go over 100.5 (their benchmark). I honestly don't remember them telling me that. I remember them telling me to take Tylenol and Advil. So I messed up. The assistant was stern, reprimanded me for a good two minutes. Wow.
On top of the blood work fiasco, her telling me so strongly I did the wrong thing, I shouldn't have done that, I should have listened to them more carefully, well, when she left I was in tears.
In comes Dr. M. He took right up on it, I did the wrong thing. He wasn't giving me more antibiotic because the Z-pak I got will last six more days. I told him, in the past when I have had sinus infections I have needed two or three sessions of antibiotics, plus cortisone sprays. I have a difficult time getting rid of sinus infections. I'm in tears again. Feeling really stupid for being in tears, so that brings more tears.
Well, wasn't this just me being scared, upset I messed up when I truly want to do all I can to cooperate, and not having trust in this doctor? So thankfully (pointed out by my husband), he perceived I didn't trust him, and he asked me to repeat back to him what he had just told me. So I stood there and did. At the time this was demeaning. I was so mixed up emotionally. He said good, I seem to understand. And he left. Again, tears...
So, back to the Chemo Lounge. The nurses there are THE BEST. They did the blood work out of my port, they smile and chat. The doctor's assistant came back to say hello again. Another nurse K came and talked with me for about thirty minutes while they were mixing up the chemo stuff. They could tell I was really upset.
When they put in the IV, I thought alright now Sara, you need to get out of this teary state, frustration and doubt are not what this is all about. I could stay upset, or I could get over it. It is totally my choice. Just saying, God take this away, wasn't going to do it. He wanted me to be more involved and learn something. Thoughts feed feeling. I know.... And yes, I was a captive audience for about four hours in that lounge chair, so off we went.
For God did not give us a spirit of fear, but of power (HIS POWER) and love (HIS LOVE) and self-control (TURN CONTROL OVER TO HIM.) 2 Timothy 1:7 (Capitals are mine.)
God has set up this system that we have the control to turn our lives, every itty bitty detail, every moment that seems like it is heading towards a crash and we have been trying to keep the car on the road but just can't... lift it all up to him. Because He loves us so much that he sacrificed His most precious gift for us, He will use His power to move mountains and open up our eyes to see and heal people and heal relationships and change our attitudes to be in alignment with His perfect perfect plan.
I plugged in my headphones from my IPAD, got to Vivaldi's Four Seasons, then to the e-mail responses from some of you from Monday's Blog. Then I prayed. I prayed for Dr. M, and our relationship. I saw I hadn't shown I trusted him. That is a big ego blow to anyone. I made mistakes, but he might have taken it that I didn't trust him. Look at this from his perspective if I am really interested in having this relationship work.
I wanted what I wanted, and he didn't think it was the best course. I had not followed their directions (believe me, that was an honest mistake) but here's a doctor that has devoted years and days and hours to study and trying to do the best for his patients, and I was non-verbally saying, and verbally too, I don't agree! That's a tough thing for anyone to hear, especially someone that knows what they are talking about.
From the Chemo Lounge, I was texting Mike, who responded - "He is actually a perceptive and sensitive guy. Don't worry about taking the Advil, no harm done." then, "You are right, Here's to the strength in letting God be in control." then the last text and the best " Remember, the unforced rhythms of grace."
Forgiving the nurse who was having a bad day, that was easy. It didn't help me, but in the end, God provides and Chemo Lounge Nurse did a great job of the blood work and Chemo giving. Forgiving the assistant was easy, she wasn't as forceful, and yes I messed up on the Tylenol Advil thing.
As for Dr M, there was no forgiveness needed. It was so clear to me now, God has given me a doctor that perceived I was wanting something that he didn't think was correct, and he wasn't going to give into me. He was willing to stand up to me and work me through it until I agreed to follow his instructions. Now, that's a doctor that wants me healed. Is that a sign. IS THAT A BILLBOARD? I wanted to apologize to him that I had forcefully told him I didn't like his plan. Thankfully he is my doctor, and he had enough compassion for me to work me through it. He didn't give up on me.
All this prayer and working out took maybe thirty minutes. Which is the time they give you the steroids and antihistamine and all the pre~chemo stuff. God's message was so clear at the end. The entire episode from the moment I walked into the office was such a good lesson.
My next thought, those of you who know me, I just can't let a relationship stay frayed. Just can't. So what do I do, write him a note (no - how dorky is that?) Do I call him when I am done (no - just what he wants, a call at night from a patient.) Well, I decided to let God figure out how to let this closure happen. Told Him I was going to focus on the chemo coming into my body, the gentle teal colored ocean waves washing in and out and swirling around and the stretch of beach and sky... Palm Beach of four weeks ago.
The rest of the time, which was four of the four and a half hours, were peaceful and restful and wonderful. The staff, the nurses are compassion and efficiency combined and personified.
Now, not done yet. Listen to this, GOD IS SO GOOD. I am the very last person done, most of the office, staff are gone. Its 5:15, I pack up my IPAD, walk out of the Chemo Lounge, and who should come out of a office door in the same three foot wide hall LITERALLY two feet in front of me but Dr. M. THANK YOU GOD.
I say, Dr. M. He turns around. Dr. M. I am so sorry I didn't trust your decision on the antibiotic and I want to thank you for caring enough about me that you didn't give up on me, that you saw I wasn't agreeing with you, and you didn't let up. He says, well, we all make mistakes, sometimes I make mistakes, and I interrupted him (these steroids make you hyper) and I said, you have the medical degree, you know what you are doing. I am thankful you are my doctor.
I don't really understand him as a person, he always looks a little sad. Oncology is a tough emotional field I am sure. Now I know he is going to fight for me. I like that. I've got the greatest doctor. And husband. And friends.
Bottom line, God is in control. The unforced rhythms of grace. Got to think on that phrase some more. We can't force the timing. Well we can try to, but that's taking control back from God. We can't force the rhythm, the rhythm that gives you peace, the peace that passes all understanding. Grace, well that's the gifts we don't deserve. But we get them anyway.
And you know what, most of the time we don't see these gifts. We get so caught up in the negative, the bad situation, and we get into avoidance mode. So we don't see the gift that is sitting right in front of us. Boy, if this Chemo #2 wasn't an example of unforced rhythm of grace, what is?
The unforced rhythms of grace. What does this mean to you?
To end, today Wednesday was great. Day after chemo. Slept until 10:30. Visited with L and S, and talked about how We were Strong Women and didn't always want to agree with doctor's advice (HA!), went mall walking with M and S. Napped and will nap again.
S and my husband and kids are saints. Imagine a friend willing to be here a week, just letting me set the pace. She will never ever know how her presence allowed me to get through the week. Sitting in the parking lot after chemo, listening to me for thirty minutes going on about the afternoon and helping me process. Imagine a husband up to his eyeballs in work, taking care of Alzheimer father, settling mother's estate, and still healing from CTCL, yet putting me first. Imagine kids willing to play Catch Phrase for hours with us. And texting and e-mailing. Imagine friends cooking dinners and mall walking (at my pace - its cooler inside the mall that the hot and humid outside of a Florida summer). And imagine a friend stopping over last night after work, to do a crossword puzzle with us.
Life is pretty, pretty good...
===============================
Here's three good e-mail excerpts I got in the past few days
==============
Mother Teresa said, “We need to find God, and he cannot be found in noise and restlessness. God is the friend of silence. See how nature - trees, flowers, grass- grows in silence; see the stars, the moon and the sun, how they move in silence... We need silence to be able to touch souls.” You know how hard it is for me to be silent? He was sharpening his sword with me and I am OK with that! Mother Teresa also had another great quote pertaining to God sending her more than she could handle; she said, “I wish He didn’t trust me so much!” Me too!
================
Let light and healing water and the love of Jesus guide you through- as I know you are giving yourself up and trusting completely.
================
This is a series of jokes sent to me yesterday.
They are all titled, "And That's How the Fight Started"
My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?'
'No,' she answered.
I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying 'Yes.'
So I said, 'Then I'd like to phone a friend.'
And that's when the fight started...
================
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. 'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."
He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?
'Nah, she can order for herself.'
And that's when the fight started......
================
My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping the channels.
She asked, 'What's on TV?'
I said, 'Dust.'
And then the fight started...
================
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about seconds. So I bought her a scale
And then the fight started..
================
My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table. I asked her, 'Do you know him?'
'Yes,' she sighed, ' He's my old boyfriend...
I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since.'
'My Gosh!' I said, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'
And then the fight started...
================
I rear-ended a car this morning.. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it... he was a DWARF!!!
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!'
So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'
And then the fight started.....
==============
SAVE THE BEST FOR LAST.....
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the truck, the car, playing golf,
Always something more important to me.
Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.
I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, 'When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway.'
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
In retrospect, as God was in control, it was just what I needed. But in the middle of it, boy I wasn't thinking that. God provides all we need. He is in control. It's like those "learn to drive cars with two brake pedals and two steering wheels." I acknowledge that He is in control, I hand him the steering wheel, and then I keep using the instructor one too often, taking back control. AHHH!
I am warning you that this is a long entry, but I am doing this in that it might help someone else going through chemo. You won't insult me if you don't read it!
Okay, Monday was great. Lunch with two fantastic friends at Houston's, S and D. Upbeat and happy and just wonderful. Mike and I had a peaceful dinner here. Sat by the lake after dinner, watched the sun set.. Dear dear friend S arrived from Charlotte, who will be here all week. It takes two people to take care of me...
Tuesday did a gentle elliptical machine walk, lunch with S and M and M at PF Changs. These are dear, dear friends. All is good.
Got to the Doctors office and it started out rocky. I have a port in my right arm above the elbow, and I have had eleven lymph nodes removed from the left arm. The surgeon's office told me that no blood pressure cuff on the left arm, nor blood drawn from left arm.
The nurse calls me back for the blood pressure and blood drawing pre-chemo. She starts to do the blood pressure cuff on the left arm, which I say I don't think you should because of the eleven lymph nodes taken. Next she puts the cuff right over the port on the right arm and I say, I don't think that's a good idea either. So she asks me, how should she take my blood pressure then. I respond, I don't know, perhaps you could ask someone else. There's another nurse in the room. She puts the upper arm cuff on my left wrist and says, this will be good enough. Yes, on the wrist of the arm I told her had the eleven nodes removed. But I didn't want to keep arguing with a nurse who was about to stick me with a needle...
Next drawing blood. She goes towards the left arm, to put on the rubber band, and I remind her that is the arm where the lymph nodes were taken and I wasn't supposed to have blood drawn from that arm. And I was told they would draw blood from the port from now on. She said she had never drawn blood from an arm port, so how about from my wrist. After a good minute, she said she didn't see a good vein there, and asked me again what should she do. I said again, I don't know. I suggested she ask Dr. M what to do. I returned to the waiting room.
I know this was wordy, but that was how the visit started. She might have been having a bad day, but it shows you how important attitude is. It wasn't very confidence inspiring to me. Started the chemo visit off on the wrong foot, and I was emotional to start with. I know that. What follows is an interaction that any other day of my life would have been totally unmemorable. In retrospect it was so silly. Read on.
Then you see the doctor's assistant. You check off on one page your issues from the past three weeks, so they can see your status clearly, and it is well organized.
My biggest issue in the past three weeks was a sinus infection, which started probably Thursday (two days after Chemo #1), with a splitting headache, really large and tender neck glands, and that sinus ache under the eye and the ear ache. I was alternating Tylenol and Advil every two hours, my temp stayed under 100.5 for four days, so I never called them until the next week when the nasal discharge was way to obvious that it was a sinus infection not getting better. They prescribed a penicillin antibiotic, which I am not supposed to have due to allergy (pharmacy caught that, thank goodness.) I called the doctor on call again from the pharmacy, and they changed the prescription to a Z-pak (time release antibiotic.)
I told the doctor's assistant, I was scared the sinus infection isn't gone. It is improving, but I still have the symptoms. Improved, but not gone.
The first lesson, do not take Tylenol or Advil if you have any fever, because they want to see if it will go over 100.5 (their benchmark). I honestly don't remember them telling me that. I remember them telling me to take Tylenol and Advil. So I messed up. The assistant was stern, reprimanded me for a good two minutes. Wow.
On top of the blood work fiasco, her telling me so strongly I did the wrong thing, I shouldn't have done that, I should have listened to them more carefully, well, when she left I was in tears.
In comes Dr. M. He took right up on it, I did the wrong thing. He wasn't giving me more antibiotic because the Z-pak I got will last six more days. I told him, in the past when I have had sinus infections I have needed two or three sessions of antibiotics, plus cortisone sprays. I have a difficult time getting rid of sinus infections. I'm in tears again. Feeling really stupid for being in tears, so that brings more tears.
Well, wasn't this just me being scared, upset I messed up when I truly want to do all I can to cooperate, and not having trust in this doctor? So thankfully (pointed out by my husband), he perceived I didn't trust him, and he asked me to repeat back to him what he had just told me. So I stood there and did. At the time this was demeaning. I was so mixed up emotionally. He said good, I seem to understand. And he left. Again, tears...
So, back to the Chemo Lounge. The nurses there are THE BEST. They did the blood work out of my port, they smile and chat. The doctor's assistant came back to say hello again. Another nurse K came and talked with me for about thirty minutes while they were mixing up the chemo stuff. They could tell I was really upset.
When they put in the IV, I thought alright now Sara, you need to get out of this teary state, frustration and doubt are not what this is all about. I could stay upset, or I could get over it. It is totally my choice. Just saying, God take this away, wasn't going to do it. He wanted me to be more involved and learn something. Thoughts feed feeling. I know.... And yes, I was a captive audience for about four hours in that lounge chair, so off we went.
For God did not give us a spirit of fear, but of power (HIS POWER) and love (HIS LOVE) and self-control (TURN CONTROL OVER TO HIM.) 2 Timothy 1:7 (Capitals are mine.)
God has set up this system that we have the control to turn our lives, every itty bitty detail, every moment that seems like it is heading towards a crash and we have been trying to keep the car on the road but just can't... lift it all up to him. Because He loves us so much that he sacrificed His most precious gift for us, He will use His power to move mountains and open up our eyes to see and heal people and heal relationships and change our attitudes to be in alignment with His perfect perfect plan.
I plugged in my headphones from my IPAD, got to Vivaldi's Four Seasons, then to the e-mail responses from some of you from Monday's Blog. Then I prayed. I prayed for Dr. M, and our relationship. I saw I hadn't shown I trusted him. That is a big ego blow to anyone. I made mistakes, but he might have taken it that I didn't trust him. Look at this from his perspective if I am really interested in having this relationship work.
I wanted what I wanted, and he didn't think it was the best course. I had not followed their directions (believe me, that was an honest mistake) but here's a doctor that has devoted years and days and hours to study and trying to do the best for his patients, and I was non-verbally saying, and verbally too, I don't agree! That's a tough thing for anyone to hear, especially someone that knows what they are talking about.
From the Chemo Lounge, I was texting Mike, who responded - "He is actually a perceptive and sensitive guy. Don't worry about taking the Advil, no harm done." then, "You are right, Here's to the strength in letting God be in control." then the last text and the best " Remember, the unforced rhythms of grace."
Forgiving the nurse who was having a bad day, that was easy. It didn't help me, but in the end, God provides and Chemo Lounge Nurse did a great job of the blood work and Chemo giving. Forgiving the assistant was easy, she wasn't as forceful, and yes I messed up on the Tylenol Advil thing.
As for Dr M, there was no forgiveness needed. It was so clear to me now, God has given me a doctor that perceived I was wanting something that he didn't think was correct, and he wasn't going to give into me. He was willing to stand up to me and work me through it until I agreed to follow his instructions. Now, that's a doctor that wants me healed. Is that a sign. IS THAT A BILLBOARD? I wanted to apologize to him that I had forcefully told him I didn't like his plan. Thankfully he is my doctor, and he had enough compassion for me to work me through it. He didn't give up on me.
All this prayer and working out took maybe thirty minutes. Which is the time they give you the steroids and antihistamine and all the pre~chemo stuff. God's message was so clear at the end. The entire episode from the moment I walked into the office was such a good lesson.
My next thought, those of you who know me, I just can't let a relationship stay frayed. Just can't. So what do I do, write him a note (no - how dorky is that?) Do I call him when I am done (no - just what he wants, a call at night from a patient.) Well, I decided to let God figure out how to let this closure happen. Told Him I was going to focus on the chemo coming into my body, the gentle teal colored ocean waves washing in and out and swirling around and the stretch of beach and sky... Palm Beach of four weeks ago.
The rest of the time, which was four of the four and a half hours, were peaceful and restful and wonderful. The staff, the nurses are compassion and efficiency combined and personified.
Now, not done yet. Listen to this, GOD IS SO GOOD. I am the very last person done, most of the office, staff are gone. Its 5:15, I pack up my IPAD, walk out of the Chemo Lounge, and who should come out of a office door in the same three foot wide hall LITERALLY two feet in front of me but Dr. M. THANK YOU GOD.
I say, Dr. M. He turns around. Dr. M. I am so sorry I didn't trust your decision on the antibiotic and I want to thank you for caring enough about me that you didn't give up on me, that you saw I wasn't agreeing with you, and you didn't let up. He says, well, we all make mistakes, sometimes I make mistakes, and I interrupted him (these steroids make you hyper) and I said, you have the medical degree, you know what you are doing. I am thankful you are my doctor.
I don't really understand him as a person, he always looks a little sad. Oncology is a tough emotional field I am sure. Now I know he is going to fight for me. I like that. I've got the greatest doctor. And husband. And friends.
Bottom line, God is in control. The unforced rhythms of grace. Got to think on that phrase some more. We can't force the timing. Well we can try to, but that's taking control back from God. We can't force the rhythm, the rhythm that gives you peace, the peace that passes all understanding. Grace, well that's the gifts we don't deserve. But we get them anyway.
And you know what, most of the time we don't see these gifts. We get so caught up in the negative, the bad situation, and we get into avoidance mode. So we don't see the gift that is sitting right in front of us. Boy, if this Chemo #2 wasn't an example of unforced rhythm of grace, what is?
The unforced rhythms of grace. What does this mean to you?
To end, today Wednesday was great. Day after chemo. Slept until 10:30. Visited with L and S, and talked about how We were Strong Women and didn't always want to agree with doctor's advice (HA!), went mall walking with M and S. Napped and will nap again.
S and my husband and kids are saints. Imagine a friend willing to be here a week, just letting me set the pace. She will never ever know how her presence allowed me to get through the week. Sitting in the parking lot after chemo, listening to me for thirty minutes going on about the afternoon and helping me process. Imagine a husband up to his eyeballs in work, taking care of Alzheimer father, settling mother's estate, and still healing from CTCL, yet putting me first. Imagine kids willing to play Catch Phrase for hours with us. And texting and e-mailing. Imagine friends cooking dinners and mall walking (at my pace - its cooler inside the mall that the hot and humid outside of a Florida summer). And imagine a friend stopping over last night after work, to do a crossword puzzle with us.
Life is pretty, pretty good...
===============================
Here's three good e-mail excerpts I got in the past few days
==============
Mother Teresa said, “We need to find God, and he cannot be found in noise and restlessness. God is the friend of silence. See how nature - trees, flowers, grass- grows in silence; see the stars, the moon and the sun, how they move in silence... We need silence to be able to touch souls.” You know how hard it is for me to be silent? He was sharpening his sword with me and I am OK with that! Mother Teresa also had another great quote pertaining to God sending her more than she could handle; she said, “I wish He didn’t trust me so much!” Me too!
================
Let light and healing water and the love of Jesus guide you through- as I know you are giving yourself up and trusting completely.
================
This is a series of jokes sent to me yesterday.
They are all titled, "And That's How the Fight Started"
My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?'
'No,' she answered.
I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying 'Yes.'
So I said, 'Then I'd like to phone a friend.'
And that's when the fight started...
================
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. 'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."
He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?
'Nah, she can order for herself.'
And that's when the fight started......
================
My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping the channels.
She asked, 'What's on TV?'
I said, 'Dust.'
And then the fight started...
================
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about seconds. So I bought her a scale
And then the fight started..
================
My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table. I asked her, 'Do you know him?'
'Yes,' she sighed, ' He's my old boyfriend...
I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since.'
'My Gosh!' I said, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'
And then the fight started...
================
I rear-ended a car this morning.. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it... he was a DWARF!!!
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!'
So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'
And then the fight started.....
==============
SAVE THE BEST FOR LAST.....
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the truck, the car, playing golf,
Always something more important to me.
Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.
I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, 'When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway.'
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
Monday, July 19, 2010
Ramping up for Chemo # 2
Good morning all.
I am getting all ramped up for Chemo #2. How different than three weeks ago when I was high on anticipation for the first chemo. This time I am much more settled. Trying to treat my body gently, more cooperative with the whole process. Not as scared. How easy to be scared of the unknown. I realize every chemo treatment might will be slightly different, but at least I have an idea of what will happen. Knowledge is power.
I am still in awe of how people have responded to my needs. God really provides everything you need, through friends and family. We had a weekend of giddiness with Mack, Tray, Corey and T. In the afternoons we simply sat around the television and watched the British Open (you go Shrek) and chatted. Golf is like baseball, lots of time to talk while watching it. Two evenings we went out to dinner, then came home played Catch Phrase and laughed and laughed and laughed.
Heraclitus (Greek philosopher) said, You can't step into the same river twice. Time moves forward, things change. How silly to worry about that change.
Jesus says, Do not worry, saying 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' But seek first the kingdom and God and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well".
So I am to tell Jesus my worries, and let Him provide for me. Give up control of this changing life to Him. So much easier to say than to do. Well, I will at least try.
Some notes I wrote during a sermon this week... the sermon was titled Choose Forgiveness, but my notes rambled sideways.
1. Be still and know that I am God
2. We all need community
3. Sit back, relax, accept joy, be open to joy
4. Let God do His work, accept His healing in all parts of you
5. Be open to friends and love. Be a clay pipe not a clay jar, and let God's love flow into me and through me to others.
6. Lean on Jesus
7. Search me oh God and know my thoughts, test me and know my anxious thoughts. Psalm 139. (Finally one of he notes I took refer to the sermon) What I get out of this is, God's Holy Spirit is searching me to find where I am in need of Him, and then He shines His light on it and POOF in His mercy I am cleansed - of that sin or that habit or that anxiety... and in His time I will see the change. The momentum is all HIM.. I simply need to be open and listening and willing.
Lovely words from a friend - You are a strong passionate woman. You will do this.
Lovely words from one of the doctors - You will be a witness to others.
I've been asking fellow cancer folks - what did you visualize when you had your treatments, or your sad moments? What comforted you?
1. Sitting on a porch swing with God rocking you
2. Pac men gobbling up the cancer cells
3. The fresh cool crisp running water of a brook in the northeast, the pure gurgling water washing me
4. The blood of Jesus cleansing my body from the toes to the tip of my head
5. The light of Jesus shining into every inch of your body, letting there be no darkness
6. Sunshine, just the warmth of sunbathing with the suns healing rays reaching into everywhere
7. The ocean's waves washing into every cell, and washing the cancer ones away.
I am setting up to make this Chemo easier than the next, but really I will listen to my body and respond best I can. Dear S is coming down to stay here through the weekend, so I will have company all day.
When the hair fell out, I saw two what I thought were really suspicious scalp spots, so this morning, the dermatologist took both out, have two stitches each. And he told me to not do anything to get my heart rate up today, as scalp incisions bleed easily. So no exercise today... AHHHH.. we'll see how this makes the Chemo #2 go. Maybe better! Mike's been urging me to not get exhausted exercising. Hmmm.
So, please pray for the healing to continue, for the side effects to be minimal and doable, for no infections to happen, for the lymph nodes in my neck to stay small and not tender. And please pray for Mike and me, for God's peace which passes all understanding keep our hearts and minds on Jesus Christ our Lord. And for S who is willing to give up a week, to come here and be my every minute caregiver. May she have some good books to read as I sleep a lot!
May God continue to bless you, and all of us, as the days unfold
Love to you all, sara
=========================
Here's all of Psalm 139 (from The Message)
Psalm 139, A David Psalm
1-6 God, investigate my life; get all the facts firsthand.
I'm an open book to you;
even from a distance, you know what I'm thinking.
You know when I leave and when I get back;
I'm never out of your sight.
You know everything I'm going to say
before I start the first sentence.
I look behind me and you're there,
then up ahead and you're there, too—
your reassuring presence, coming and going.
This is too much, too wonderful—
I can't take it all in!
7-12 Is there anyplace I can go to avoid your Spirit?
to be out of your sight?
If I climb to the sky, you're there!
If I go underground, you're there!
If I flew on morning's wings
to the far western horizon,
You'd find me in a minute—
you're already there waiting!
Then I said to myself, "Oh, he even sees me in the dark!
At night I'm immersed in the light!"
It's a fact: darkness isn't dark to you;
night and day, darkness and light, they're all the same to you.
13-16 Oh yes, you shaped me first inside, then out;
you formed me in my mother's womb.
I thank you, High God—you're breathtaking!
Body and soul, I am marvelously made!
I worship in adoration—what a creation!
You know me inside and out,
you know every bone in my body;
You know exactly how I was made, bit by bit,
how I was sculpted from nothing into something.
Like an open book, you watched me grow from conception to birth;
all the stages of my life were spread out before you,
The days of my life all prepared
before I'd even lived one day.
17-22 Your thoughts—how rare, how beautiful!
God, I'll never comprehend them!
I couldn't even begin to count them—
any more than I could count the sand of the sea.
Oh, let me rise in the morning and live always with you!
And please, God, do away with wickedness for good!
And you murderers—out of here!—
all the men and women who belittle you, God,
infatuated with cheap god-imitations.
See how I hate those who hate you, God,
see how I loathe all this godless arrogance;
I hate it with pure, unadulterated hatred.
Your enemies are my enemies!
23-24 Investigate my life, O God,
find out everything about me;
Cross-examine and test me,
get a clear picture of what I'm about;
See for yourself whether I've done anything wrong—
then guide me on the road to eternal life.
I am getting all ramped up for Chemo #2. How different than three weeks ago when I was high on anticipation for the first chemo. This time I am much more settled. Trying to treat my body gently, more cooperative with the whole process. Not as scared. How easy to be scared of the unknown. I realize every chemo treatment might will be slightly different, but at least I have an idea of what will happen. Knowledge is power.
I am still in awe of how people have responded to my needs. God really provides everything you need, through friends and family. We had a weekend of giddiness with Mack, Tray, Corey and T. In the afternoons we simply sat around the television and watched the British Open (you go Shrek) and chatted. Golf is like baseball, lots of time to talk while watching it. Two evenings we went out to dinner, then came home played Catch Phrase and laughed and laughed and laughed.
Heraclitus (Greek philosopher) said, You can't step into the same river twice. Time moves forward, things change. How silly to worry about that change.
Jesus says, Do not worry, saying 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' But seek first the kingdom and God and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well".
So I am to tell Jesus my worries, and let Him provide for me. Give up control of this changing life to Him. So much easier to say than to do. Well, I will at least try.
Some notes I wrote during a sermon this week... the sermon was titled Choose Forgiveness, but my notes rambled sideways.
1. Be still and know that I am God
2. We all need community
3. Sit back, relax, accept joy, be open to joy
4. Let God do His work, accept His healing in all parts of you
5. Be open to friends and love. Be a clay pipe not a clay jar, and let God's love flow into me and through me to others.
6. Lean on Jesus
7. Search me oh God and know my thoughts, test me and know my anxious thoughts. Psalm 139. (Finally one of he notes I took refer to the sermon) What I get out of this is, God's Holy Spirit is searching me to find where I am in need of Him, and then He shines His light on it and POOF in His mercy I am cleansed - of that sin or that habit or that anxiety... and in His time I will see the change. The momentum is all HIM.. I simply need to be open and listening and willing.
Lovely words from a friend - You are a strong passionate woman. You will do this.
Lovely words from one of the doctors - You will be a witness to others.
I've been asking fellow cancer folks - what did you visualize when you had your treatments, or your sad moments? What comforted you?
1. Sitting on a porch swing with God rocking you
2. Pac men gobbling up the cancer cells
3. The fresh cool crisp running water of a brook in the northeast, the pure gurgling water washing me
4. The blood of Jesus cleansing my body from the toes to the tip of my head
5. The light of Jesus shining into every inch of your body, letting there be no darkness
6. Sunshine, just the warmth of sunbathing with the suns healing rays reaching into everywhere
7. The ocean's waves washing into every cell, and washing the cancer ones away.
I am setting up to make this Chemo easier than the next, but really I will listen to my body and respond best I can. Dear S is coming down to stay here through the weekend, so I will have company all day.
When the hair fell out, I saw two what I thought were really suspicious scalp spots, so this morning, the dermatologist took both out, have two stitches each. And he told me to not do anything to get my heart rate up today, as scalp incisions bleed easily. So no exercise today... AHHHH.. we'll see how this makes the Chemo #2 go. Maybe better! Mike's been urging me to not get exhausted exercising. Hmmm.
So, please pray for the healing to continue, for the side effects to be minimal and doable, for no infections to happen, for the lymph nodes in my neck to stay small and not tender. And please pray for Mike and me, for God's peace which passes all understanding keep our hearts and minds on Jesus Christ our Lord. And for S who is willing to give up a week, to come here and be my every minute caregiver. May she have some good books to read as I sleep a lot!
May God continue to bless you, and all of us, as the days unfold
Love to you all, sara
=========================
Here's all of Psalm 139 (from The Message)
Psalm 139, A David Psalm
1-6 God, investigate my life; get all the facts firsthand.
I'm an open book to you;
even from a distance, you know what I'm thinking.
You know when I leave and when I get back;
I'm never out of your sight.
You know everything I'm going to say
before I start the first sentence.
I look behind me and you're there,
then up ahead and you're there, too—
your reassuring presence, coming and going.
This is too much, too wonderful—
I can't take it all in!
7-12 Is there anyplace I can go to avoid your Spirit?
to be out of your sight?
If I climb to the sky, you're there!
If I go underground, you're there!
If I flew on morning's wings
to the far western horizon,
You'd find me in a minute—
you're already there waiting!
Then I said to myself, "Oh, he even sees me in the dark!
At night I'm immersed in the light!"
It's a fact: darkness isn't dark to you;
night and day, darkness and light, they're all the same to you.
13-16 Oh yes, you shaped me first inside, then out;
you formed me in my mother's womb.
I thank you, High God—you're breathtaking!
Body and soul, I am marvelously made!
I worship in adoration—what a creation!
You know me inside and out,
you know every bone in my body;
You know exactly how I was made, bit by bit,
how I was sculpted from nothing into something.
Like an open book, you watched me grow from conception to birth;
all the stages of my life were spread out before you,
The days of my life all prepared
before I'd even lived one day.
17-22 Your thoughts—how rare, how beautiful!
God, I'll never comprehend them!
I couldn't even begin to count them—
any more than I could count the sand of the sea.
Oh, let me rise in the morning and live always with you!
And please, God, do away with wickedness for good!
And you murderers—out of here!—
all the men and women who belittle you, God,
infatuated with cheap god-imitations.
See how I hate those who hate you, God,
see how I loathe all this godless arrogance;
I hate it with pure, unadulterated hatred.
Your enemies are my enemies!
23-24 Investigate my life, O God,
find out everything about me;
Cross-examine and test me,
get a clear picture of what I'm about;
See for yourself whether I've done anything wrong—
then guide me on the road to eternal life.
Saturday, July 17, 2010
Isn't that just the bees knees
Mike and I are happier this weekend than we have been in months. Laughed until my cheeks hurt. Tears came to my eyes.
I bet you parents out there can guess why. We were with our kids. For two precious days and nights we were all together. It just doesn't get any better than that! This is just the bees knees (one of our Catch Phrase phrases last night.)
Lunches and dinners and walks and, well, just doing the everyday stuff.
With our kids.
It was the best.
I bet you parents out there can guess why. We were with our kids. For two precious days and nights we were all together. It just doesn't get any better than that! This is just the bees knees (one of our Catch Phrase phrases last night.)
Lunches and dinners and walks and, well, just doing the everyday stuff.
With our kids.
It was the best.
Thursday, July 15, 2010
Wig Woman
Yesterday was a fantastic day... the hair fell out, got a shave and I am a WIG WOMAN now...
I had a blast. Even in the quiet moments of the evening, I was smiling and beaming ear to ear. It was yet another day of God providing all we need, and more...
B called in the morning, wanted to know if I could have lunch. I had JUST called G, asking if I could come to his salon for my head shaving. He told me when I first gave him my news, to call the day my hair started falling out and he would shave it. Save me the trauma of having it fall out. Great idea. B came too. She stood near me, talked with G and I the whole time, laughed, took photos. Then I had planned to mall walk with M, so all three of us did, which allowed us to shop for lipstick for me.
After all this, when I drove away from M's, I called Corey at work and told him to meet me on Morse Boulevard, I wanted him to see my beautiful wig as I had just had a shave. He did, and we laughed and hugged. Five minutes max. So as I was walking to my car, who should be at the stop light but J, who recognized me, pulled over, and we went and had a frozen yogurt to celebrate the shave and wig.
What you need to know is, all three of those women mentioned above are breast cancer survivors.... WOW ... Love that. Living proof of God's grace. And he brings them right into the moments of my day.
I did go up to throw the first pitch in Sanford at 7 PM (got on television) and then was home by 7:30, right to bed. I sat in the dugout during the Home Run Derby with one of my coaches. I was so comfortable just sitting there, watching the players try so hard. They are so young and energetic and their futures so full of stars. I am so short my feet don't touch the ground. I LOVED IT.
Mike was worried about me loosing my hair. For my sake, and that it might remind him of when he lost his hair from total body radiation. He has had so much travel and so many responsibilities. His mother's estate, his father, me... Oh pray for him. My hair was coming out in clumps and I wanted this to be positive not negative. And it was! This loss of hair to me is yet another sign that the chemo is working, it is killing the fast growing cells. YOU KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK CHEMO!
Today shows you- GOD PROVIDES all you need. And Positive Friends are the only ones to have!!!!
It is a little weird to sit and look at me with no hair, I look like an old man. But the wig is pretty darn good. I call my wig Matilda (as in Waltzing Matilda), and maybe I don't look so much like an old man as like ET.
And when I laid down at the end of this day, quietly to go to sleep, I had a big smile on my face.
-------
Some emails recently:
I thought of you our entire vacation as I walked along the beach. This was the place that I always retreated to mentally when things were going bad for me so as I walked, I prayed for all those who are suffering and unable to see the beauty and strength of the ocean.
I was trying to think of a verse to send you that you could use when things were not so good. I constantly looked for God to grant me my strength as I suffered and he never failed in giving me some kind of verse to get me through the day.
2 Corinthians 4: 8-18, Verse 18: So we don’t look at what we see right now, the troubles all around us, but look forward to the joys in heaven which we have not yet seen. The troubles will soon be over, but the joys to come will last forever.
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