Always learning.
I asked the oncologist when I saw him two weeks ago, Who tells me when I can get the port out of my arm and, What follow-up tests do you do to make sure we got all the cancer? (When the port was put in, I was told it would come out after they did tests, after radiation, to make sure they didn't need to do more chemo.)
Dr M answered that I was in the care of the radiology oncologist. He would order any follow up tests and he would tell me when to call the surgeon to have the port removed. And he handed me a script for Arimidex, told me to start taking this when I am done with radiation. And he wanted to see me in April, four months.
So I asked the radiology oncologist Monday (I meet with him after treatment every Monday) what tests was he planning to do to make sure all is finished, and when could I get the port removal scheduled for? His response, Dr M would order any tests to make sure the chemo and radiation have done their jobs. (Makes sense to me) And Dr M tells you when to take out the port, we have never used it, it isn't anything to do with us. (Makes sense to me)
So I call Dr M. His assistant calls back (it is never him, always the assistant, which makes sense to me.) She says to schedule the port removal for anytime after radiation is finished. Dr M doesn't think I need any further tests scheduled. He says, statistically the chemo destroyed any cancer cells that would have spread. The radiation has destroyed any cancer cells left in the breast or node area. Further tests would show nothing. Makes sense to me.
I called the surgeon's office, they need written permission from Dr M to remove the port, he ordered it. Makes sense to me.
A ping pong ball. I feel like a ping pong ball.
No one wants to take responsibility for the follow up. What they all say makes sense. What could possibly be left in my body after all this?
It makes intellectual sense, What about my emotional But What Ifs?
Elementary concept in instilling confidence, don't change you mind mid-stream on decisions. Or if you do, please explain why. I got no explanation.
So what am I learning? To not worry. Not be anxious. Leave this up to God, He does the best scans ever. Lift this up to God, release it like a dove flying out of my hand.
With prayer and thanksgiving.
With thanks that I am here right now and He loves me and is guiding me down the path.
For the rest of my life I will be hearing of someone who does PET scans every year, gets MRI's every six months. I will feel a bump on my shin or get tired for two days straight and I will think, Tumor on my bone or leukemia. I will hear of someone dying of cancer, and not want to think about it.
Be grateful.
Have faith this worked.
That I am healed.
That this was God's path, He directed it all.
Faith is knowing something when your senses don't perceive it.
Have faith sister.
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
Sunday, December 12, 2010
Profound Tired
I don't want to complain, because this is
no where
no way
no how
anything like the physical onslaught of chemo.
But I am tired, and I am tired of feeling this unusual tired. Profound tired.
Being two-thirds through radiation is not like being two-thirds getting a pedicure. I can be very impatient in pedicures. When you have five things on your list to hit after this pedicure is finished, all before swooping into your garage like a bat outta hell carrying armloads of packages at once so you don't have to make two trips to the garage. And why is it MY pedicurist has to answer the phone today? Usually this takes forty five minutes and I have already been in this chair forty minutes and she doesn't even have the cuticles done yet and I need to go...
Did I really ever have those internal conversations? Yes, and I will again. I will try to stop myself and not, but, well, I'm not perfect. You all know that by now!
Getting back to radiation. Two thirds of the way through is fantastic. Then I look up and out. The entire world it seems to me is having a blast. Two weeks before Christmas, decorations are up (they've been up at the stores since Halloween). Bells are ringing (Salvation Army), Christmas carols are playing. My IPAD has three new playlists - 2010ChristQUIET, 2010ChristLENNOX, 2010Christ. The first is quiet peaceful carols, the second is Annie Lennox's new Christmas Cornucopia album, and the third is my compilation of energetic Christmas music (for cooking, walking, energizing.) It is beginning to look a lot like Christmas...
The entire world is out there, laughing and hugging and telling stories. I want to be with them, but I am profoundly tired.
Friday I canceled a festive mall walk after radiation because I was achy and tired. Radiation was long, as the Trilogy machine broke down again (second time), so they moved me to another machine but it took time to recalibrate. I was really grateful they moved my machine, not skipping a day. They canceled most of the other patients. THANK YOU LORD for keeping me on schedule!
After radiation I called Dad, who sounded blue. He sounded blue Thursday too. I think someone needs a little Christmas cheer! He lives in an apartment in an adult community. I warned him I was tired and not very talkative, which is fine with him. So I picked him up, we went to Panera in downtown Winter Park. Saw some festive Christmas decorations, had a nice lunch of soup and sandwich. Then stopped off and bought him a new bedspread. Okay, I can hear you now telling me, You can't buy happiness. I know, I know. But a little spiffing up of your surroundings does help get you a smile or two.
Slept all afternoon. Mike came home, I canceled out on the dinner party we were going to. I just couldn't do it. Feels like I am swimming through water when I move, slow motion. Shoulders and elbows and hands ache. I still think it is my tendons. Feet are okay (YEAH!) I want to close my eyes, but I don't fall asleep. It's not a sleepy tired, it's a "my body is not functioning up to speed" tired, not feeling just right, and bored. Mind isn't tired. What to eat? Frozen leftovers. Crucial to have at Christmas time, freezer filled with possibilities. Especially this year.
Saturday started out good, had lunch with Dad and Mike at our favorite Jason's Deli. Went there weekly through chemos, fuzzy memories, good food. No corn syrup. Relaxing afternoon writing the tags for all the family's Christmas gifts. All done. All wrapped (last week) and tagged and all are under the tree. Those to be mailed are mailed. Rested, then got all dressed up for the two parties Saturday night. Only made it to the first one... DARN! I even put on mascara, first time since June; it highlighted that I don't have many eyelashes left. But the ones I had were nice and black!
I wanted to wear a new black dress, but couldn't even imagine putting shapewear over my body. The "bra" I am wearing is a Barely There no wire, no cups, no support but comfortable. Allows for total movement of lymph, and that is good.. The left breast is swollen, but not as much as during chemo. Feels thoroughly uncomfortable to put on a regular bras, even in a cup size larger. So I am wearing this Barely There sports type bra, like a camisole in structure. All one piece. Soft, comfortable. It will work for now.
I am putting on lavender oil and the liquid from two inches of aloe plant every morning and night. My left breast is red, but not overly stinging. Sunburn. The underarm area is reddish-tan. Uncomfortable but not so bad. So I wore the looser velvet top and pants, with good jewelry. Dazzle them with diamonds and they won't notice the clothing or the wig.
We went next door to the first party. Winter Park held a Boat Parade, the theme of this party. We chatted with friends, went outside to view the flotilla. I had one glass of wine, and nibbled on some party food. We came home after an hour, to put up the feet for a moment and venture out to the next Christmas fete.
I sat on the sofa, my head was spinning. It was so much noise and activity. I started to shiver. It was weird, I wasn't cold. Just shivering every ten minutes or so. Went and took two Advil, laid on the sofa. Still shivering. A little upset stomach. Feet and hands and arms feeling swollen. This is how you feel tired, like your body just doesn't want to function at normal speed. After fifteen minutes, I knew I couldn't get up and go anywhere. Which is really poopy because I was all dressed up, and really looking forward to seeing friends. Oh so looking forward to it!
Went upstairs, put on the jammies and bathrobe. Rested on the upstairs sofa. Came down, opened the fridge. What to have for dinner. Nothing looked good. I saw the Ricotta Cheese. AHA, how about Ricotta Lemon Pancakes. Easy, light, fast. I also could have gone with an omelette but Mike doesn't like them and I am not making two different dinners in one night. Tonight or ever. This is a recipe from the San Francisco Four Seasons, where Mike's parents had an apartment. Watched The Grown Ups, a funny movie. Good choice Mike.
Isn't it ironic, just at a point where you want support from friends, and laughter, you are so tired, you have to stay home. On the other hand, as my white blood count is low staying home might have saved me from germs. If I had pushed myself and gone to Party Number Deux last night, I might be sniffling or coughing this morning.
I am thinking of how to work out the Christmas schedule so we have all the important activities as a family (church, dinner, etc) and I also get enough rest. I know if I push and get too tired, I will not enjoy Christmas and am more likely to get anxious and weepy. Who needs that?
Christmas is about the gift God gave us so that we can live every moment in God's presence.
He takes us through seasons in our lives.
This is my season to Be Still.
Okay, I get it...
==============================
Ricotta Lemon Pancakes - for 4 people.
Mix these together:
1 cup flour
3/4 cup sugar
1/2 tsp baking powder
zest of half a lemon
1 cup ricotta cheese
6 egg yolks
salt
Fold in:
6 whipped egg whites
Cook on griddle, make about 3" in diameter.
These are very delicate. And sweet. We ate with maple syrup. Why not?
no where
no way
no how
anything like the physical onslaught of chemo.
But I am tired, and I am tired of feeling this unusual tired. Profound tired.
Being two-thirds through radiation is not like being two-thirds getting a pedicure. I can be very impatient in pedicures. When you have five things on your list to hit after this pedicure is finished, all before swooping into your garage like a bat outta hell carrying armloads of packages at once so you don't have to make two trips to the garage. And why is it MY pedicurist has to answer the phone today? Usually this takes forty five minutes and I have already been in this chair forty minutes and she doesn't even have the cuticles done yet and I need to go...
Did I really ever have those internal conversations? Yes, and I will again. I will try to stop myself and not, but, well, I'm not perfect. You all know that by now!
Getting back to radiation. Two thirds of the way through is fantastic. Then I look up and out. The entire world it seems to me is having a blast. Two weeks before Christmas, decorations are up (they've been up at the stores since Halloween). Bells are ringing (Salvation Army), Christmas carols are playing. My IPAD has three new playlists - 2010ChristQUIET, 2010ChristLENNOX, 2010Christ. The first is quiet peaceful carols, the second is Annie Lennox's new Christmas Cornucopia album, and the third is my compilation of energetic Christmas music (for cooking, walking, energizing.) It is beginning to look a lot like Christmas...
The entire world is out there, laughing and hugging and telling stories. I want to be with them, but I am profoundly tired.
Friday I canceled a festive mall walk after radiation because I was achy and tired. Radiation was long, as the Trilogy machine broke down again (second time), so they moved me to another machine but it took time to recalibrate. I was really grateful they moved my machine, not skipping a day. They canceled most of the other patients. THANK YOU LORD for keeping me on schedule!
After radiation I called Dad, who sounded blue. He sounded blue Thursday too. I think someone needs a little Christmas cheer! He lives in an apartment in an adult community. I warned him I was tired and not very talkative, which is fine with him. So I picked him up, we went to Panera in downtown Winter Park. Saw some festive Christmas decorations, had a nice lunch of soup and sandwich. Then stopped off and bought him a new bedspread. Okay, I can hear you now telling me, You can't buy happiness. I know, I know. But a little spiffing up of your surroundings does help get you a smile or two.
Slept all afternoon. Mike came home, I canceled out on the dinner party we were going to. I just couldn't do it. Feels like I am swimming through water when I move, slow motion. Shoulders and elbows and hands ache. I still think it is my tendons. Feet are okay (YEAH!) I want to close my eyes, but I don't fall asleep. It's not a sleepy tired, it's a "my body is not functioning up to speed" tired, not feeling just right, and bored. Mind isn't tired. What to eat? Frozen leftovers. Crucial to have at Christmas time, freezer filled with possibilities. Especially this year.
Saturday started out good, had lunch with Dad and Mike at our favorite Jason's Deli. Went there weekly through chemos, fuzzy memories, good food. No corn syrup. Relaxing afternoon writing the tags for all the family's Christmas gifts. All done. All wrapped (last week) and tagged and all are under the tree. Those to be mailed are mailed. Rested, then got all dressed up for the two parties Saturday night. Only made it to the first one... DARN! I even put on mascara, first time since June; it highlighted that I don't have many eyelashes left. But the ones I had were nice and black!
I wanted to wear a new black dress, but couldn't even imagine putting shapewear over my body. The "bra" I am wearing is a Barely There no wire, no cups, no support but comfortable. Allows for total movement of lymph, and that is good.. The left breast is swollen, but not as much as during chemo. Feels thoroughly uncomfortable to put on a regular bras, even in a cup size larger. So I am wearing this Barely There sports type bra, like a camisole in structure. All one piece. Soft, comfortable. It will work for now.
I am putting on lavender oil and the liquid from two inches of aloe plant every morning and night. My left breast is red, but not overly stinging. Sunburn. The underarm area is reddish-tan. Uncomfortable but not so bad. So I wore the looser velvet top and pants, with good jewelry. Dazzle them with diamonds and they won't notice the clothing or the wig.
We went next door to the first party. Winter Park held a Boat Parade, the theme of this party. We chatted with friends, went outside to view the flotilla. I had one glass of wine, and nibbled on some party food. We came home after an hour, to put up the feet for a moment and venture out to the next Christmas fete.
I sat on the sofa, my head was spinning. It was so much noise and activity. I started to shiver. It was weird, I wasn't cold. Just shivering every ten minutes or so. Went and took two Advil, laid on the sofa. Still shivering. A little upset stomach. Feet and hands and arms feeling swollen. This is how you feel tired, like your body just doesn't want to function at normal speed. After fifteen minutes, I knew I couldn't get up and go anywhere. Which is really poopy because I was all dressed up, and really looking forward to seeing friends. Oh so looking forward to it!
Went upstairs, put on the jammies and bathrobe. Rested on the upstairs sofa. Came down, opened the fridge. What to have for dinner. Nothing looked good. I saw the Ricotta Cheese. AHA, how about Ricotta Lemon Pancakes. Easy, light, fast. I also could have gone with an omelette but Mike doesn't like them and I am not making two different dinners in one night. Tonight or ever. This is a recipe from the San Francisco Four Seasons, where Mike's parents had an apartment. Watched The Grown Ups, a funny movie. Good choice Mike.
Isn't it ironic, just at a point where you want support from friends, and laughter, you are so tired, you have to stay home. On the other hand, as my white blood count is low staying home might have saved me from germs. If I had pushed myself and gone to Party Number Deux last night, I might be sniffling or coughing this morning.
I am thinking of how to work out the Christmas schedule so we have all the important activities as a family (church, dinner, etc) and I also get enough rest. I know if I push and get too tired, I will not enjoy Christmas and am more likely to get anxious and weepy. Who needs that?
Christmas is about the gift God gave us so that we can live every moment in God's presence.
He takes us through seasons in our lives.
This is my season to Be Still.
Okay, I get it...
==============================
Ricotta Lemon Pancakes - for 4 people.
Mix these together:
1 cup flour
3/4 cup sugar
1/2 tsp baking powder
zest of half a lemon
1 cup ricotta cheese
6 egg yolks
salt
Fold in:
6 whipped egg whites
Cook on griddle, make about 3" in diameter.
These are very delicate. And sweet. We ate with maple syrup. Why not?
Thursday, December 9, 2010
Freeze the onions, peppers and sausage
Today I have nothing outside the house until 11:30. I have an endocrinologist appointment then, and afterward the longer radiation appointment where they calibrate for the last eight treatments, called the BOOST. They are more concentrated radiation, focused right on the spot where the tumor was in my breast. Don't know if they target the node which had a tumor, I will ask.
I am in the alternate bra stage, barely there bra. A light sunburn, the most uncomfortable is the skin underneath the breast where the bra hits, and the armpit where the bra hits. But just uncomfortable. And I am positive the achy and tendon soreness is getting better. It doesn't wake me up in the night aching, YEAH!!! What is a better gift than a good night's sleep.
So I have been given ninety minutes this morning. WHO-EEE!
May I make a comment on our lives, December 9th, 2010.
We are all TOO BUSY! Which makes us all STRESSED OUT!
You know it, and knowing you are juggling too many balls in the air at once adds to your STRESS. Thinking about what to say to who, about who needs what, when can you go there to get that, what to cook, what to buy, what to do!
At this age in life (50 to 60 ish) we all acknowledge we want to:
relax more
focus on friends and family
be present in the moment
laugh more
be aware of our own voice
take appropriate care of our own bodies
deepen our faith in God and our relationship with Jesus
We are beyond having busy-ness be a badge of courage, I think. We know that our value as a person depends not on what we do, but on who we are in our hearts, loved always.
Here's how I look at it. We know where we want to be going. We can picture the person we want to be. We step on the path. Then we get distracted.
If you could see me now, you would see that I have my hand raised, yes I am the first one in line here, I get distracted., I have good intentions and I think I am pretty good at leaning on God in a crisis. But what trips me up is the day to day focus.
I LET myself get distracted. Do you think sometimes I avoid issues in my life by keeping busy? YES I know I do that.
Silly human being, say those sheep.
Getting cancer can be a redirection of your life journey, says Bernie Siegel. I agree with him. Or any disease or big event. Or you could choose to redirect your life journey just because you think about it and choose too. MUCH easier than getting cancer now, isn't it?
Remember the verse that came to mind when I sat in the radiologist's parking lot back in April, preparing to go in to hear my biopsy results, when I prayed for something from God to hold on to through this whole journey?
Be still, and know that I am God. Psalm 46:10.
From that, flows everything.
Psalm 23: He is my shepherd, restores my soul, guides me down the path. Is with me, comforts me, nurtures me, I dwell in his house.
I don't want anyone reading this to feel WORSE about those To Do Lists. Not everything everyday makes us happy. At dinner last week I told Mike and Corey that I wanted to devote one solid day a week again to the college summer baseball league. And each May through August it would be much more. Corey asked, does that make you happy? Good question. Great question. It is an optional thing, as I volunteer. I said, no, it doesn't make me happy, but it makes me feel fulfilled.
So yes, every day I have tried to do one thing towards Christmas. It looks like a huge evergreen tree of tasks each December, so I really think, ask God, set my priorities. Little by little the Christmas items are happy snowflakes in my life. I don't roast my own turkey, I buy one cooked at Whole Foods, as I don't want the stress of killing my family on Christmas Day with undercooked poultry. For the stuffing, I will saute the onions and peppers and sausage this week and freeze them, and I bought a jar of roasted chestnuts instead of roasting them myself.
These are little shortcuts, but they leave me time to bake Christmas cookies, watch National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation, mall walk, get radiation, write funny tags for the family's Christmas gifts, visit my Dad, and visit friends.
I wish all of you a really joyful time preparing for Christmas. Your gifts to me will be hugs and laughter.
I am in the alternate bra stage, barely there bra. A light sunburn, the most uncomfortable is the skin underneath the breast where the bra hits, and the armpit where the bra hits. But just uncomfortable. And I am positive the achy and tendon soreness is getting better. It doesn't wake me up in the night aching, YEAH!!! What is a better gift than a good night's sleep.
So I have been given ninety minutes this morning. WHO-EEE!
May I make a comment on our lives, December 9th, 2010.
We are all TOO BUSY! Which makes us all STRESSED OUT!
You know it, and knowing you are juggling too many balls in the air at once adds to your STRESS. Thinking about what to say to who, about who needs what, when can you go there to get that, what to cook, what to buy, what to do!
At this age in life (50 to 60 ish) we all acknowledge we want to:
relax more
focus on friends and family
be present in the moment
laugh more
be aware of our own voice
take appropriate care of our own bodies
deepen our faith in God and our relationship with Jesus
We are beyond having busy-ness be a badge of courage, I think. We know that our value as a person depends not on what we do, but on who we are in our hearts, loved always.
 |
If you could see me now, you would see that I have my hand raised, yes I am the first one in line here, I get distracted., I have good intentions and I think I am pretty good at leaning on God in a crisis. But what trips me up is the day to day focus.
I LET myself get distracted. Do you think sometimes I avoid issues in my life by keeping busy? YES I know I do that.
Silly human being, say those sheep.
Getting cancer can be a redirection of your life journey, says Bernie Siegel. I agree with him. Or any disease or big event. Or you could choose to redirect your life journey just because you think about it and choose too. MUCH easier than getting cancer now, isn't it?
Remember the verse that came to mind when I sat in the radiologist's parking lot back in April, preparing to go in to hear my biopsy results, when I prayed for something from God to hold on to through this whole journey?
Be still, and know that I am God. Psalm 46:10.
From that, flows everything.
Psalm 23: He is my shepherd, restores my soul, guides me down the path. Is with me, comforts me, nurtures me, I dwell in his house.
I don't want anyone reading this to feel WORSE about those To Do Lists. Not everything everyday makes us happy. At dinner last week I told Mike and Corey that I wanted to devote one solid day a week again to the college summer baseball league. And each May through August it would be much more. Corey asked, does that make you happy? Good question. Great question. It is an optional thing, as I volunteer. I said, no, it doesn't make me happy, but it makes me feel fulfilled.
So yes, every day I have tried to do one thing towards Christmas. It looks like a huge evergreen tree of tasks each December, so I really think, ask God, set my priorities. Little by little the Christmas items are happy snowflakes in my life. I don't roast my own turkey, I buy one cooked at Whole Foods, as I don't want the stress of killing my family on Christmas Day with undercooked poultry. For the stuffing, I will saute the onions and peppers and sausage this week and freeze them, and I bought a jar of roasted chestnuts instead of roasting them myself.
These are little shortcuts, but they leave me time to bake Christmas cookies, watch National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation, mall walk, get radiation, write funny tags for the family's Christmas gifts, visit my Dad, and visit friends.
I wish all of you a really joyful time preparing for Christmas. Your gifts to me will be hugs and laughter.
This makes me happy....
Dear Mrs. Sitz’s Third Grade Class,
Hello to each and every one of you, all 17 of you!
You were so kind to write out 33 messages to make me feel better, one for each radiation treatment. Thank you!
I go to the hospital every day to get radiation treatment (like strong, strong rays of sunshine). This is the final step in my healing from breast cancer, and I am so glad it is working.
Your messages about what makes you happy caused me to stop and think, WHAT MAKES ME HAPPY? I like to sit in a chair and just think sometimes, so I have been thinking about this today. I sit in a chair outside (if it isn’t too hot or too cold) and drink a cup of green tea, and think.
I thought up 17 things that make me happy, now how did I come up with that number?
I hope you each had a fun Thanksgiving holiday. I am thankful to you for making me smile.
All the best, Sara Whiting
======================================================
This makes me happy….
1. Knowing that God loves me. He loves all of us.
2. Being with my loving husband Mike. We met in college (at Princeton) and got married three weeks after graduating. We both worked for Dow Chemical in Texas at first, building chemical plants that make plastics. Then we moved to Florida. He works building electric power plants.
3. Spending time with my younger son Corey. He is in college at UCF studying Computer Programming. I particularly love when he comes to the house and we do yoga together.
4. Visiting with my older son Mack and my daughter-in-law Tray. They live in Asheville NC so I don’t see them too often right now. He is in college studying Chemistry. She is studying to be a nurse.
5. Talking with my friends. I am so lucky to have some really good friends who come to the house to visit, or who meet me for lunch at PF Changs or coffee at Starbucks, or who go for a walk with me.
6. Reading a book (I’m reading Freedom by Jon Franzen now)
7. Writing on my IPAD or laptop computer.
8. Singing anywhere (I like Trace Adkins and Carrie Underwood and Black Eyed Peas and Bob Marley and Elton John and Coldplay and Casting Crowns and Usher and, well, lots of singers!)
9. Playing tennis
10. Playing golf
11. Cooking. I love to cook. I just made Black Bean Soup and Bruschetta (garlic toast with fresh tomato, basil, onion on it). Yesterday I made a strawberry pie.
12. Sitting on my porch looking at the lake, and thinking
13. Working at the baseball league. I help run a college summer baseball league.
14. Walking my dog in our neighborhood. She’s a basset hound, named Sporty.
15. Playing games, like Scrabble or Blokus or card games.
16. Traveling. I love to see new places. Some of my favorites are Ireland (loved the golf, sheep, and music), Costa Rica (hermit crabs on the beach!), Jamaica (beautiful mountains dropping straight down to white sand beaches), Sun Valley Idaho (desert mountains, spectacular views), Italy (great food and art!).
17. Thanking people. Each of you took time and thought to write to me and cheer me up. It makes me so happy to think of that, and to thank you!
Hello to each and every one of you, all 17 of you!
You were so kind to write out 33 messages to make me feel better, one for each radiation treatment. Thank you!
I go to the hospital every day to get radiation treatment (like strong, strong rays of sunshine). This is the final step in my healing from breast cancer, and I am so glad it is working.
Your messages about what makes you happy caused me to stop and think, WHAT MAKES ME HAPPY? I like to sit in a chair and just think sometimes, so I have been thinking about this today. I sit in a chair outside (if it isn’t too hot or too cold) and drink a cup of green tea, and think.
I thought up 17 things that make me happy, now how did I come up with that number?
I hope you each had a fun Thanksgiving holiday. I am thankful to you for making me smile.
All the best, Sara Whiting
======================================================
This makes me happy….
1. Knowing that God loves me. He loves all of us.
2. Being with my loving husband Mike. We met in college (at Princeton) and got married three weeks after graduating. We both worked for Dow Chemical in Texas at first, building chemical plants that make plastics. Then we moved to Florida. He works building electric power plants.
3. Spending time with my younger son Corey. He is in college at UCF studying Computer Programming. I particularly love when he comes to the house and we do yoga together.
4. Visiting with my older son Mack and my daughter-in-law Tray. They live in Asheville NC so I don’t see them too often right now. He is in college studying Chemistry. She is studying to be a nurse.
5. Talking with my friends. I am so lucky to have some really good friends who come to the house to visit, or who meet me for lunch at PF Changs or coffee at Starbucks, or who go for a walk with me.
6. Reading a book (I’m reading Freedom by Jon Franzen now)
7. Writing on my IPAD or laptop computer.
8. Singing anywhere (I like Trace Adkins and Carrie Underwood and Black Eyed Peas and Bob Marley and Elton John and Coldplay and Casting Crowns and Usher and, well, lots of singers!)
9. Playing tennis
10. Playing golf
11. Cooking. I love to cook. I just made Black Bean Soup and Bruschetta (garlic toast with fresh tomato, basil, onion on it). Yesterday I made a strawberry pie.
12. Sitting on my porch looking at the lake, and thinking
13. Working at the baseball league. I help run a college summer baseball league.
14. Walking my dog in our neighborhood. She’s a basset hound, named Sporty.
15. Playing games, like Scrabble or Blokus or card games.
16. Traveling. I love to see new places. Some of my favorites are Ireland (loved the golf, sheep, and music), Costa Rica (hermit crabs on the beach!), Jamaica (beautiful mountains dropping straight down to white sand beaches), Sun Valley Idaho (desert mountains, spectacular views), Italy (great food and art!).
17. Thanking people. Each of you took time and thought to write to me and cheer me up. It makes me so happy to think of that, and to thank you!
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
Here or There, plus Radiation Update
I've been asking myself a question, How do I give God the glory? Once I am done with all this stuff, the surgery, chemo, and now radiation, I want to stay the course with God, and while doing that, I want to give Him the glory. Follow His path for me, step by step. Giving Him the glory.
What is glory anyway?
I remember learning ages ago that "to glorify God" was the answer to "Why were we created?"
Isaiah 43:7.. everyone who is called by my name, whom I created for my glory, whom I formed and made
What is glory?
I think of the positive, magnificent, ethereal, bright splendid light and the ultimate of goodness.
A field of Easter Lilies blooming in the pure sunshine.
Light.
A Christmas Tree with the white clear lights.
Singing. Preferably people with good voices, but not necessarily. People meaning what they sing.
Sunshine rays streaming down through a cloud.
What does the dictionary say?
a : praise, honor, or distinction extended by common consent
b : worshipful praise, honor, and thanksgiving glory to God
So, the point is to honor and praise God by everything we do. PHEW, I will need His help on this. Which is the whole point!
Have you noticed that when you are thinking of an issue, you notice it everywhere. I have been thinking of "Giving God Glory." I want to be more transparent, yet not be afraid to act as He wants me to. In this Sunday's sermon, Isaac said he had a professor who said the world was made of two kinds of people, those who enter a room and say, "Here I am," and those who enter a room and say, "There you are."
Which am I?
The second group gets it, they are giving God the glory.
I want to be in the second group...
Remember Elizabeth, Zechariah's wife, mother of John the Baptist. She was a "There you are " person. Think back. She was anciently old (probably my age), and she finally got the wish of her heart, she became pregnant. At six months time, Mary came to visit her. Mary was all exuberant that she was pregnant. Elizabeth, instead of gushing about how SHE was pregnant too, responded with true joy and adoration for Mary.
That would have been hard. I would have said, "You're pregnant, how cool! So am I, and let me tell you how I heard I was preggers..."
BLAAAH... wrong....
Wouldn't it be fun to be Elizabeth's friend? She hears others' news and truly is taken into the moment, sharing their joy or their sadness.
So to glorify God, we are doing the actions on earth to love others as He would. To be present in THAT moment of THEIR lives. I need to keep this as my prayer all day long. How quickly we can forget it.
Here's an example. Of someone who wasn't even present in her own moment. Who was a There You Are person, until she had a crisis....
In radiation therapy, you have the same time of appointment every week day. At 9:45 right before me is an older woman with a portable oxygen tank and a beige hat. She is just a delight. I am 10:00. At 10:15 is a drop dead gorgeous young woman, with the most beautiful elbow length brown hair, always in high heels and with make up on. She only had twenty treatments scheduled (because her breasts are smaller she says) and she always has a smile and something positive to say to me, You are one-third the way there, or, You are looking good today. We have one minute conversations while passing in the hall. She has always been very encouraging and sweet.
Today was her last day, we all knew that. You form intimate yet anonymous relationships in the treatment rooms. The technicians are so so friendly. (Mike and I had our photo in the local paper this weekend, I arrived Monday to see it taped to the wall!) You are going through similar things as the other patients, so you talk. About sunburns and bras and wigs, etc.
I came out of the treatment room and saw the young woman with beautiful brown hair sitting in the waiting chair grumpy. I said, Today's your last day, are you celebrating? She said, No. This weekend we had all our equipment stolen, even my personal computer. Out of our truck. I said, Oh dear. She went on, I'm a singer, and it was all stolen after our gig in Miami. Insurance will pay for it, but it is a pain. Is it her insurance or theirs? I had to rent equipment in the Dominican Republic for next week, and for Philadelphia this weekend. I don't feel like celebrating at all. I am angry. Yesterday I was upset, but today I am angry. Really angry. I will never go back to Miami. I hate Miami.
I stood there incredulous. I wanted to say, Have you not learned ANYTHING? You are alive, you are done with cancer, you are healed. That is just STUFF!
But I didn't. I talked with her a few minutes, the tech came out and listened, waiting for me. I said, Well, in a year you will look back on today and see the irony of it all. I am so sorry this happened to you. I am sure your singing will still be great, and the audiences won't notice a thing. I don't know what else I said. I ended with, I am so happy for you for your good health, and went in for my #19.
I am wondering who she was. There has been a white stretch limousine in the parking lot, I have noticed the past few weeks. Could it be hers?
She has been so encouraging of me every day, always saying something uplifting. A There You Are person. But not today. I didn't feel bad for me in the least that she didn't say something to encourage me. I felt so sorry for her that she couldn't see the joy in today that was far greater than having things stolen. Yes, things stolen is terrible. But come on, cancer treatment done? That trumps it all, if you ask me.
I don't want to forget how lucky / blessed / loved / precious I am every day, as are each of us. Someone said, I'm sick of people saying they are 'Over the hill', when they could be thankful they are not 'Under the hill.'
It comes down to being thankful doesn't it?
And how can I be thankful, if I am not still.
For when I am still, I see and feel God's presence in my life.
When I am busy as a bumble bee, I am not looking at Him. I'm just dizzy.
So then, particularly in this advent season, let me "Be still, and know that I am God." Psalm 46.
Only then can I truly love Him by loving others.
Maybe that's giving Him the glory.
==========================
Notes on how radiation is physically going-
I just finished number 19 of 33.
They are doing IMRT now, which means they do two short x-rays before each treatment, have been doing this all last week as well. The radiologist comes in, tweaks the settings on the radiation machine called Trilogy based on the two x-rays, and then they zap me. Takes about fifteen minutes instead of two minutes. But they have Christmas Carols playing, and good humored technicians. Today they were teasing K because she had never tasted a Krispy Kreme donut. And they don't laugh if I sing along to the carols. At least they don't laugh in front of me.
On Thursday I have a long appointment to get calibrated for my BOOST radiations, which are treatment numbers 25 - 33. They target the lumpectomy site, which has the highest probability of recurrence. Good idea. I'm all on board for that.
Today was my last day of a real bra. The whole area is sunburned, so from now on it's a Gillian and O'Malley Barely There soft stretchy sort-of-a sports compression bra but lighter. The nurses suggested wearing no bra, but that's not going to happen. You don't want the skin to blister. NO I DON'T. I am using aloe from a plant morning and night, and a little lavender oil (which is supposed to prevent skin from burning). Immediately after the treatments I am putting on Aquaphor. The radiation site (from center of my chest around to the back, including the armpit) is red and swollen.
My tendons are still aching in the 'watershed' areas, which means they are the tendons that get the least amount of vascular action and therefore take the longest to rebound after any motion. Upper arm and shoulder, fingers, bottoms of feet, top of thigh and hip. Advil works great, as does the stretching of yoga. This ache is due to the strong antibiotics (Avelox and Levoquin) I have been told, and should fade with time. It is fading with time. Anything that fades with time is okay by me.
Funny itchy rash on right leg knee to ankle. The reason? It was pointed out to me again that my body was given chemo for five months, and unusual things happen. It is going away slowly, cortisone cream helped.
I am tired, more than normal. I will get more tired over the next two months, I am told. Then it too will fade. I can't drink coffee, I tried it all last week and it makes my esophagus feel raw. I have had gastric reflux issues forever. So I'm drinking Yogi Tea - ENERGY. It has Kombacha, which gives you some zip. And that is working. Put up the outside wreaths today, putting up Christmas decorations is proof of energy in my book.
The hair is coming back. How FUN! My head feels like the boys did when they were little and just got a crew cut. The eyebrows are all short and stubby, coming back. YEAH!
Angry Birds put out a Christmas Edition. How fun is that...
What is glory anyway?
I remember learning ages ago that "to glorify God" was the answer to "Why were we created?"
Isaiah 43:7.. everyone who is called by my name, whom I created for my glory, whom I formed and made
What is glory?
I think of the positive, magnificent, ethereal, bright splendid light and the ultimate of goodness.
A field of Easter Lilies blooming in the pure sunshine.
Light.
A Christmas Tree with the white clear lights.
Singing. Preferably people with good voices, but not necessarily. People meaning what they sing.
Sunshine rays streaming down through a cloud.
What does the dictionary say?
a : praise, honor, or distinction extended by common consent
b : worshipful praise, honor, and thanksgiving glory to God
So, the point is to honor and praise God by everything we do. PHEW, I will need His help on this. Which is the whole point!
Have you noticed that when you are thinking of an issue, you notice it everywhere. I have been thinking of "Giving God Glory." I want to be more transparent, yet not be afraid to act as He wants me to. In this Sunday's sermon, Isaac said he had a professor who said the world was made of two kinds of people, those who enter a room and say, "Here I am," and those who enter a room and say, "There you are."
Which am I?
The second group gets it, they are giving God the glory.
I want to be in the second group...
Remember Elizabeth, Zechariah's wife, mother of John the Baptist. She was a "There you are " person. Think back. She was anciently old (probably my age), and she finally got the wish of her heart, she became pregnant. At six months time, Mary came to visit her. Mary was all exuberant that she was pregnant. Elizabeth, instead of gushing about how SHE was pregnant too, responded with true joy and adoration for Mary.
That would have been hard. I would have said, "You're pregnant, how cool! So am I, and let me tell you how I heard I was preggers..."
BLAAAH... wrong....
Wouldn't it be fun to be Elizabeth's friend? She hears others' news and truly is taken into the moment, sharing their joy or their sadness.
So to glorify God, we are doing the actions on earth to love others as He would. To be present in THAT moment of THEIR lives. I need to keep this as my prayer all day long. How quickly we can forget it.
Here's an example. Of someone who wasn't even present in her own moment. Who was a There You Are person, until she had a crisis....
In radiation therapy, you have the same time of appointment every week day. At 9:45 right before me is an older woman with a portable oxygen tank and a beige hat. She is just a delight. I am 10:00. At 10:15 is a drop dead gorgeous young woman, with the most beautiful elbow length brown hair, always in high heels and with make up on. She only had twenty treatments scheduled (because her breasts are smaller she says) and she always has a smile and something positive to say to me, You are one-third the way there, or, You are looking good today. We have one minute conversations while passing in the hall. She has always been very encouraging and sweet.
Today was her last day, we all knew that. You form intimate yet anonymous relationships in the treatment rooms. The technicians are so so friendly. (Mike and I had our photo in the local paper this weekend, I arrived Monday to see it taped to the wall!) You are going through similar things as the other patients, so you talk. About sunburns and bras and wigs, etc.
I came out of the treatment room and saw the young woman with beautiful brown hair sitting in the waiting chair grumpy. I said, Today's your last day, are you celebrating? She said, No. This weekend we had all our equipment stolen, even my personal computer. Out of our truck. I said, Oh dear. She went on, I'm a singer, and it was all stolen after our gig in Miami. Insurance will pay for it, but it is a pain. Is it her insurance or theirs? I had to rent equipment in the Dominican Republic for next week, and for Philadelphia this weekend. I don't feel like celebrating at all. I am angry. Yesterday I was upset, but today I am angry. Really angry. I will never go back to Miami. I hate Miami.
I stood there incredulous. I wanted to say, Have you not learned ANYTHING? You are alive, you are done with cancer, you are healed. That is just STUFF!
But I didn't. I talked with her a few minutes, the tech came out and listened, waiting for me. I said, Well, in a year you will look back on today and see the irony of it all. I am so sorry this happened to you. I am sure your singing will still be great, and the audiences won't notice a thing. I don't know what else I said. I ended with, I am so happy for you for your good health, and went in for my #19.
I am wondering who she was. There has been a white stretch limousine in the parking lot, I have noticed the past few weeks. Could it be hers?
She has been so encouraging of me every day, always saying something uplifting. A There You Are person. But not today. I didn't feel bad for me in the least that she didn't say something to encourage me. I felt so sorry for her that she couldn't see the joy in today that was far greater than having things stolen. Yes, things stolen is terrible. But come on, cancer treatment done? That trumps it all, if you ask me.
I don't want to forget how lucky / blessed / loved / precious I am every day, as are each of us. Someone said, I'm sick of people saying they are 'Over the hill', when they could be thankful they are not 'Under the hill.'
It comes down to being thankful doesn't it?
And how can I be thankful, if I am not still.
For when I am still, I see and feel God's presence in my life.
When I am busy as a bumble bee, I am not looking at Him. I'm just dizzy.
So then, particularly in this advent season, let me "Be still, and know that I am God." Psalm 46.
Only then can I truly love Him by loving others.
Maybe that's giving Him the glory.
==========================
Notes on how radiation is physically going-
I just finished number 19 of 33.
They are doing IMRT now, which means they do two short x-rays before each treatment, have been doing this all last week as well. The radiologist comes in, tweaks the settings on the radiation machine called Trilogy based on the two x-rays, and then they zap me. Takes about fifteen minutes instead of two minutes. But they have Christmas Carols playing, and good humored technicians. Today they were teasing K because she had never tasted a Krispy Kreme donut. And they don't laugh if I sing along to the carols. At least they don't laugh in front of me.
On Thursday I have a long appointment to get calibrated for my BOOST radiations, which are treatment numbers 25 - 33. They target the lumpectomy site, which has the highest probability of recurrence. Good idea. I'm all on board for that.
Today was my last day of a real bra. The whole area is sunburned, so from now on it's a Gillian and O'Malley Barely There soft stretchy sort-of-a sports compression bra but lighter. The nurses suggested wearing no bra, but that's not going to happen. You don't want the skin to blister. NO I DON'T. I am using aloe from a plant morning and night, and a little lavender oil (which is supposed to prevent skin from burning). Immediately after the treatments I am putting on Aquaphor. The radiation site (from center of my chest around to the back, including the armpit) is red and swollen.
My tendons are still aching in the 'watershed' areas, which means they are the tendons that get the least amount of vascular action and therefore take the longest to rebound after any motion. Upper arm and shoulder, fingers, bottoms of feet, top of thigh and hip. Advil works great, as does the stretching of yoga. This ache is due to the strong antibiotics (Avelox and Levoquin) I have been told, and should fade with time. It is fading with time. Anything that fades with time is okay by me.
Funny itchy rash on right leg knee to ankle. The reason? It was pointed out to me again that my body was given chemo for five months, and unusual things happen. It is going away slowly, cortisone cream helped. I am tired, more than normal. I will get more tired over the next two months, I am told. Then it too will fade. I can't drink coffee, I tried it all last week and it makes my esophagus feel raw. I have had gastric reflux issues forever. So I'm drinking Yogi Tea - ENERGY. It has Kombacha, which gives you some zip. And that is working. Put up the outside wreaths today, putting up Christmas decorations is proof of energy in my book.
The hair is coming back. How FUN! My head feels like the boys did when they were little and just got a crew cut. The eyebrows are all short and stubby, coming back. YEAH!
Angry Birds put out a Christmas Edition. How fun is that...
Saturday, December 4, 2010
Christmas Book Lunch
For our December meeting, we have the tradition of meeting at Interlachen Country Club, four people host it. Last year we read Caroline Kennedy's Collection of Christmas writings (poems and stories). We stayed along that course, and this year for December we each shared a poem. Not necessarily our favorite one, but one that meant something to us at the moment.
Three were missing. One had something at work pop up, and two had parents in the hospital. It used to be missing for kids sick, now it is parents.
I thought of a gift for each of my "book sisters". A pink natural pearl bracelet. I love mine. J gave it to me when I started Chemo. I am still wearing it, every day. It is something pink, but not screaming at you pink. Understated. Now J gave me (for keeps) the FINISH STRONG rubber bracelet. I love my jewelry.
I tried to think of a neat and tidy phrase to tell everyone when I gave them the bracelet. I couldn't. I gave a little talk.
Thank you to everyone for their kindnesses. I might not seem like I need others, but I do. I need my friends. I am so so grateful. Everyone does something different. One drops off an orchid, one cooks soup, one drives me to the doctor's, walks the mall with me, texts me, emails me, sends cards, drops off dinner, DVD's, books, buys me a soft bra. All together, these kindnesses make a beautiful bouquet.
I am thankful for God's love, always and forever. His love is shown through community. His love is so strong. His love is the center of all. His love heals.
In all things, be thankful. I can say I am thankful I got cancer, as I have learned so much, grown deep inside, and been redirected. God didn't cause cancer, but He used it to get my attention. Cancer made me learn to Be Still. Be thankful in every situation, as they all make you who you are right now.
THEN I forgot to tell about the pearl and nacre, so read that in the email I sent out. It was a precious, precious moment, the lunch. One you want to grab hold of and want it not to end. You know if you try to hold on to it, it will disappear. Moments are not physical things, maybe that is why when they are precious, even more precious.
Exactly why was yesterday lunch precious? I saw good friends opening up, tears in eyes, talking from their hearts. Celebrating community. Not afraid to say, not only do we need each other, we enjoy being with each other and we are committed to this community. The first Friday of the month lunch goes on the calendar in pen, what else is more important to write in, besides family and parents? So many of us travel, have homes in cooler climates. But when we are in town, we are at lunch!
I have pasted the poems into this blog entry also. Enjoy. Wish you were here!
====================================================
Dear dear friends,
Friday was precious, just a precious moment in time.
"Of great value, highly esteemed, cherished."
For so many reasons. Top of the list was all of you, who have been carrying me through the past eight months. And who continue to. We carry each other. How bursting with happy I was to share a gift with you all!
And poetry. Reading our choices, with some words of our own, gives us each a time to open up to each other. I love hearing your quiet thoughts. It also means each of us were able to contribute. Each of us came knowing we were a part of the success (or failure) of yesterday's moment. NOT that we need to do homework, but I love that we were one large conversation, and everyone was interested and engaged. This was wonderful! I remember my mom's etiquette phrase - a guest has the responsibility to sing for their supper.
And L, was inspired to write. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. Yes, I did have tears in my eyes. I love this group! I hope you continue to write, whenever you have the inclination. Just do it!
L won the prize for the most work/ least words poem. But they are great words, and yes they could be on the wall for my grandchildren, whenever I have any....
We brought, some wrote, poems of celebration, relationships, character, cherish the moment, cherish the moment, cherish the moment.
Hostesses, you set the stage. Thank you R, B , M and C. The food, set up, decoration, gift to Eden Spa, all set the stage for the magical moment.
Topped off by C, our server today, who asked to recite her poem by heart. The Donkey. Sure, that's great we said. I don't know if you all heard, she said afterward as she was clearing our dessert dishes," Tell your kids to stay in school or they will turn out like me."
Finally, I want to tell you the end of my little talk, which I forgot to say.
In all things, be thankful.
In thinking about how to express thanks to all of you, the biggest thought in my mind was gratefulness and thankfulness in all things. What comes to your mind? Pearls!
Remember how they are made. A grit of sand enters the soft insides of an oyster. The oyster, once realizing it can't get rid of the sand, knows it must do something to soothe the hurt. So it builds nacre around the sand, layer upon layer. Mainly calcium carbonate, but also other compounds. Builds and builds. These nacre- covered sand grains are the pearls we know and love. So, from something negative comes a beautiful pearl.
Beauty from trials.
Pink, well you know why they are pink.
B, B and J, we will catch you with the gift next month. We send thoughts and prayers for health and comfort and peace for your family, B and B.
I am so looking forward to Jan 7th, B and J. Remember we are reading Franzen's Freedom.
Please let us all be ON TIME, as we all cherish our time together.
I love, love, love that each one of you really wants to hear the thoughts of others, and contributes so much to our conversations. So good to hear from everyone. Yesterday was just so neat!!! Don't you feel engaged and alive?
I will attach the poems I have, but I am also pasting below C's poem The Donkey. Boy it is powerful. Yes, it is more for Palm Sunday, but, well, hearing it from our dear server at lunch made it even more powerful and meaningful to me.
Much love to you, Sara
==============================
HERE FOLLOW ALL THE POEMS!!!
==============================
Read by C, our server at lunch. She recited this by heart.
THE DONKEY by G.K. Chesterton
When fishes flew and forests walked
And figs grew upon thorn,
Some moment when the moon was blood
Then surely I was born;
With monstrous head and sickening cry
And ears like errant wings,
The devil's walking parody
On all four-footed things.
The tattered outlaw of the earth,
Of ancient crooked will;
Starve, scourge, deride me: I am dumb,
I keep my secret still.
Fools! For I also had my hour;
One far fierce hour and sweet:
There was a shout about my ears,
And palms before my feet.
==================
Read by L, tracked down by L.. she saw this in an Anna Quindlan book, thought it was part of a longer poem, took two weeks tracking down the longer poem. This is the length. And it is untitled. We think it needs to go on the walls of our grandchildren's rooms.
Untitled, by Gwendolyn Brooks
Exhaust the little moment.
Soon it dies.
And be it gash or gold it will not come
Again in this identical disguise.
======================
Written AND Read by L. Her first (and hopefully, of many) poem:
Books tingle the imagination, rekindle the past,
Arousing expectations of what is yet to come.
Teasing us with adventures outside our comfort,
Reading stretches our vocabularies,
Opens our boundaries.
Each new book a kaleidoscope of words.
The Authors challenge us.
Their interpretations beckoning us
To peel away at the enigmas of this life.
Nurturing strengths yet to be discovered.
Discussion is a luxury which opens us to interpretations,
exercising our learning and allowing many shared insights.
How would my life journey have been these past 20 years without my Book Sisters...
I would certainly have read many books,
oblivious to the many varied perks of sharing a novel with dear friends.
I imagine it would be like snorkeling without a mask or a friend;
it can be done, but, how sad to miss all the colors, the magic, and, most importantly, the sharing.
Sara, dear friend, how grateful I am to your dedication and commitment to our Book Group.
Your passion for reading, your gift of leadership with the joy you bring to learning
has provided a loving platform to a sisterhood of incredible women,
We have grown in to the autumn of our lives while sharing our joys.
Along our journey we processed our sorrows and cushioned the inevitable losses.
Our children have grown and we celebrate the news of graduations and college.
Their new adventures and the many accolades of each endeavor spark our enthusiasm.
Wedding Bells thrill us and happiness explodes within our hearts with the arrival of each new grandchild.
Life is complicated, very busy and, sometimes, we wonder where the time has gone...
But, no matter what...
We always have the first Friday of every month.
It remains a constant and dependable platform on which we thrive.
A history of learning that stretches us in spite of many distractions,
Yet, most importantly, solidifies a companionship of beautiful women celebrating the wonder of life.
Thank you for lovingly keeping us together.
==========================
Read by R:
i thank You God for most this amazing
by e e cummings
i thank You God for most this amazing
day:f or the leaping greenly spirits of trees
and a blue true dream of sky; and for everything
which is natural which is infinite which is yes
(i who have died am alive again today,
and this is the sun's birthday; this is the birth
day of life and love and wings: and of the gay
great happening illimitably earth)
how should tasting touching hearing seeing
breathing any-lifted from the no
of all nothing-human merely being
doubt unimaginable You?
(now the ears of my ears awake and
now the eyes of my eyes are opened)
=================
Read by J:
I Hope you Dance, Mark D. Sanders, Tia Sillers
I hope you never lose your sense of wonder
You get your fill to eat
But always keep that hunger
May you never take one single breath for granted
God forbid love ever leave you empty handed
I hope you still feel small
When you stand by the ocean
Whenever one door closes, I hope one more opens
Promise me you'll give fate a fighting chance
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance
I hope you dance
I hope you dance
I hope you never fear those mountains in the distance
Never settle for the path of least resistance
Living might mean taking chances
But they're worth taking
Lovin' might be a mistake
But it's worth making
Don't let some hell bent heart
Leave you bitter
When you come close to selling out
Reconsider
Give the heavens above
More than just a passing glance
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance
I hope you dance
(Time is a wheel in constant motion always)
I hope you dance
(Rolling us along)
I hope you dance
(Tell me who)
I hope you dance
(Wants to look back on their years and wonder)
(Where those years have gone)
====================
Read by M, who says the young mothers in her Church group brought in this poem this fall, as if they had just discovered it. We all chuckled, as many of our kids had to memorize it in fifth grade.
If, Rudyard Kipling
If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you;
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or, being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or, being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise;
If you can dream - and not make dreams your master;
If you can think - and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with triumph and disaster
And treat those two imposters just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with wornout tools;
If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breath a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on";
If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with kings - nor lose the common touch;
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you;
If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run -
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And - which is more - you'll be a Man my son!
===============
Read by C, whose family says this every night
“The Light of God surrounds me;
The Love of God enfolds me;
The Power of God protects me;
The Presence of God watches over me;
Wherever I am, God is,
And all is well.”
--James Dillet Freeman
===================
Read by B, we all are this
Reading Myself To Sleep
Billy Collins
The house is all in darkness except for this corner bedroom
where the lighthouse of a table lamp is guiding
my eyes through the narrow channels of print,
and the only movement in the night is the slight
swirl of curtains, the easy lift and fall of my breathing,
and the flap of pages as they turn in the wind of my hand.
Is there a more gentle way to go into the night
than to follow an endless rope of sentences
and then to slip drowsily under the surface of a page
into the first tentative flicker of a dream,
passing out of the bright precincts of attention
like cigarette smoke passing through a window screen?
All late readers know this sinking feeling of falling
into the liquid of sleep and then rising again
to the call of a voice that you are holding in your hands,
as if pulled from the sea back into a boat
where a discussion is raging on some subject or other,
on Patagonia or Thoroughbreds or the nature of war.
Is there a better method of departure by night
than this quiet bon voyage with an open book,
the sole companion who has come to see you off,
to wave you into the dark waters beyond language?
I can hear the rush and sweep of fallen leaves outside
where the world lies unconscious, and I can feel myself
dissolving, drifting into a story that will never be written,
letting the book slip to the floor where I will find it
in the morning when I surface, wet and streaked with
daylight.
=================
Read by M, about the moments
Snow Geese, Mary Oliver
Oh, to love what is lovely, and will not last!
What a task to ask of anything, or anyone,
yet it is ours,
and not by the century or the year, but by the hours.
One fall day I heard
above me, and above the sting of the wind, a sound
I did not know, and my look shot upward; it was
a flock of snow geese, winging it
faster than the ones we usually see,
and, being the color of snow, catching the sun
so they were, in part at least, golden. I
held my breath as we do sometimes
to stop time when something wonderful
has touched us
as with a match, which is lit, and bright,
but does not hurt in the common way,
but delightfully,
as if delight were the most serious thing
you ever felt.
The geese flew on,
I have never seen them again.
Maybe I will, someday, somewhere.
Maybe I won't.
It doesn't matter.
What matters is that, when I saw them,
I saw them
as through the veil, secretly, joyfully, clearly.
=================
Read by B, who thinks of Peace at Christmastime
The Man He Killed, Thomas Hardy
Had he and I but met
By some old ancient inn,
We should have set us down to wet
Right many a nipperkin!
But ranged as infantry,
And staring face to face,
I shot at him as he at me,
And killed him in his place.
I shot him dead because—
Because he was my foe,
Just so: my foe of course he was;
That's clear enough; although
He thought he'd 'list, perhaps,
Off-hand like—just as I—
Was out of work—had sold his traps—
No other reason why.
Yes; quaint and curious war is!
You shoot a fellow down
You'd treat, if met where any bar is,
Or help to half a crown.
===========================
Read by me. A poem of redemption. Of being set free. Christmas.
The Christmas Sparrow, Billy Collins
The first thing I heard this morning
was a rapid, flapping sound, soft, insistent…
wings against glass (as it turned out) downstairs,
where I saw a small bird
rioting in the frame of a high window
trying to hurl itself through
the enigma of glass into the spacious light.
Then a noise in the throat of the cat,
who was hunkered on the rug,
told me how the bird had gotten inside,
carried in on the cold night
through the flap of the basement door,
and later released from the soft grip of teeth.
On a chair, I trapped its pulsations in a shirt
and got it to the door,
so weightless it seemed to have vanished
into the nest of cloth.
But outside, when I uncupped my hands
it burst into its elements
dipping over the dormant garden
in a spasm of wingbeats
then disappeared over a row of tall hemlocks.
For the rest of the day I could feel its wild thrumming against my palms
as I wondered about the hours it must have spent
pent in the shadows of that room,
hidden in the spikey branches of our decorated tree,
breathing there
among the metallic angels, ceramic apples, stars of yarn,
its eyes wide open, like mine as I lie in bed tonight
picturing this rare and lucky sparrow
tucked in a holly bush now
a light snow tumbling through the windless dark.
Thursday, December 2, 2010
At My Kansas
Isn't the internet a hoot. I googled "halfway point across United States" and up came Lebanon, Kansas.
Halfway.
I'm at the Kansas of my 33 radiation treatments.
Will be done Tuesday December 28th. I thought I'd be done before Christmas, but I didn't factor in Thanksgiving and Christmas days off. The last eight treatments are intense booster treatments, where they target the lump site specifically.
How do I feel? Glad to be here, is what I answer. As that is the truth. Wherever I am.
I told Dr. S (radiology oncologist) Monday I was tired. He said, increase coffee. WHAT? I drink green tea. Super Anti-oxidant Yogi Green Tea. His response, this week is the most energetic I will feel for the next two months. Maybe longer. So for the next six months, he says, drink coffee. I will appreciate the caffeine. He talked about the Christmas flavors Starbucks has, try the Peppermint and Caramel and something else. Starbucks, here I come....
I am sunburned. Using aloe morning and night, the little cactus sits on my bathroom counter. I snip off an inch or two, slit the sides and rub it on my skin. It sinks right in. They have suggested I use Aquaphor immediately after each treatment, which is mostly petrolatum, so I do. Today or tomorrow I need to buy a cotton bra with no under wire.
My lymphocytes are below normal. I am told to stay away from too many germs. Red blood cells are in the normal range, WAY TO GO GUYS!
No other effects. I am visualizing my lungs, heart and bones in that area being shielded from radiation. The radiology technicians continue to be in such good spirits, very up beat and sensitive to me the patient. Yesterday they were taking extra x-rays before the treatment (again.) After the x-rays, I was lying there in position (hands over head, head tilted to right) for about three minutes, which seems like thirty when you are lying there wondering why they aren't doing the treatment. They came in to tell me we were waiting for the computer to reboot, not that the x-rays were an issue. Just nice to be told.
I continue to be achy in my muscles and tendons. Not the joints. Last two weeks, I woke up middle of the night with my outside upper arms aching. This week it is much better. Top of hamstrings and quads ache if I have been sitting too long. It seems they don't quite recover from motion as normal cells do, like they don't have the blood flowing in and out at a normal clip to remove the lactic acid built up from routine muscle use. That's my theory. Dr. M (oncologist) said this week (yes, lots of doctors visits this week and next) to give myself a full year after chemo for the side effects to subside. okay.
Good news, I am not experiencing any nerve pain. Your prayers worked great guys! This is wonderful!
More good news, to those of you who have been following the saga of our basset hound, she has slept a night in her new crate. She has risen above the horrors of chewing out of the old metal one, forgotten the trauma of the cheeping smoke detector, and goes into her new crate voluntarily. Phew.
Mike and I have started yoga, now twice a week. R comes to our home, we roll out our mats, ting the bells, and flow through our postures. LOVE IT. I feel less achy after yoga.
I continue acupuncture weekly. And daily afternoon meditation. Some days for sixty minutes, some days only ten. Several different CD's of it on my IPAD. Variety is the spice of life.
Exercise every day. I took Sporty for a thirty minute brisk walk at lunch.
Today the first of our Orlando Home Grown Groceries will be delivered. Local and organic.
Had a vegetarian dinner last night for the first time I can remember, Lentil Soup (tumeric, cumin, onion, carrot, garlic, tomato, spinach, chic peas) with bread from Antonios, fresh Manchego Cheese, blueberries. Organic Blackberry Jam bars for dessert.
Who are these people living in our home? Did aliens take our Mike and my bodies?
Last night Corey practiced yoga and ate with us. And pointed out that the Jam bars had sugar and butter in them. YES they did, you don't want to shock our bodies, it's baby steps.
I am peaceful, and confident God will lead me to whatever changes and redirections he wants me to make in our lives. We are trying things, some will stick, some not. How comforting to know he is in charge.
And even more comforting to know he will be with me tomorrow loving me, and with me all my tomorrows.
And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age. Matthew 28
Halfway.
I'm at the Kansas of my 33 radiation treatments.
Will be done Tuesday December 28th. I thought I'd be done before Christmas, but I didn't factor in Thanksgiving and Christmas days off. The last eight treatments are intense booster treatments, where they target the lump site specifically.
How do I feel? Glad to be here, is what I answer. As that is the truth. Wherever I am.
I told Dr. S (radiology oncologist) Monday I was tired. He said, increase coffee. WHAT? I drink green tea. Super Anti-oxidant Yogi Green Tea. His response, this week is the most energetic I will feel for the next two months. Maybe longer. So for the next six months, he says, drink coffee. I will appreciate the caffeine. He talked about the Christmas flavors Starbucks has, try the Peppermint and Caramel and something else. Starbucks, here I come....
 |
My lymphocytes are below normal. I am told to stay away from too many germs. Red blood cells are in the normal range, WAY TO GO GUYS!
No other effects. I am visualizing my lungs, heart and bones in that area being shielded from radiation. The radiology technicians continue to be in such good spirits, very up beat and sensitive to me the patient. Yesterday they were taking extra x-rays before the treatment (again.) After the x-rays, I was lying there in position (hands over head, head tilted to right) for about three minutes, which seems like thirty when you are lying there wondering why they aren't doing the treatment. They came in to tell me we were waiting for the computer to reboot, not that the x-rays were an issue. Just nice to be told.
I continue to be achy in my muscles and tendons. Not the joints. Last two weeks, I woke up middle of the night with my outside upper arms aching. This week it is much better. Top of hamstrings and quads ache if I have been sitting too long. It seems they don't quite recover from motion as normal cells do, like they don't have the blood flowing in and out at a normal clip to remove the lactic acid built up from routine muscle use. That's my theory. Dr. M (oncologist) said this week (yes, lots of doctors visits this week and next) to give myself a full year after chemo for the side effects to subside. okay.
Good news, I am not experiencing any nerve pain. Your prayers worked great guys! This is wonderful!
More good news, to those of you who have been following the saga of our basset hound, she has slept a night in her new crate. She has risen above the horrors of chewing out of the old metal one, forgotten the trauma of the cheeping smoke detector, and goes into her new crate voluntarily. Phew.
Mike and I have started yoga, now twice a week. R comes to our home, we roll out our mats, ting the bells, and flow through our postures. LOVE IT. I feel less achy after yoga.
I continue acupuncture weekly. And daily afternoon meditation. Some days for sixty minutes, some days only ten. Several different CD's of it on my IPAD. Variety is the spice of life.
Exercise every day. I took Sporty for a thirty minute brisk walk at lunch.
Today the first of our Orlando Home Grown Groceries will be delivered. Local and organic.
Had a vegetarian dinner last night for the first time I can remember, Lentil Soup (tumeric, cumin, onion, carrot, garlic, tomato, spinach, chic peas) with bread from Antonios, fresh Manchego Cheese, blueberries. Organic Blackberry Jam bars for dessert.
Who are these people living in our home? Did aliens take our Mike and my bodies?
Last night Corey practiced yoga and ate with us. And pointed out that the Jam bars had sugar and butter in them. YES they did, you don't want to shock our bodies, it's baby steps.
I am peaceful, and confident God will lead me to whatever changes and redirections he wants me to make in our lives. We are trying things, some will stick, some not. How comforting to know he is in charge.
And even more comforting to know he will be with me tomorrow loving me, and with me all my tomorrows.
And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age. Matthew 28
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