I am a strong willed person. The Friday after Chemo #4 at noon, it took all of my will to get up out of bed. This noon moment Friday was the worst physically I felt of all this adventure.
I am also a person constantly amazed and thankful at how joy can bubble up when you least expect it. The Friday after Chemo #4 after dinner, I could not stop a few tears of joy as I lay on the sofa listening to all four of my family in the kitchen cleaning up after dinner, for a full forty five minutes, laughing and talking and laughing. This after dinner moment Friday was the best moment for my spirit of all this adventure, one of the top ten moments of my whole life perhaps!
You know how you want to capture a moment, put it in a bottle so you can open it up in the future to savor it again? That was Friday night. The sound of laughter. Laughter is just the best thing ever. When you hear it, it is contagious. It comes in waves. Peals of laughter.
And each of them has a different laugh, I know their sounds so well. These were belly laughs, some put your head back and let it out laughs, stop what you are doing and turn and look and laugh.
I was exhausted from sitting up at the dining table for thirty minutes, so after we ate a delicious meal cooked by a dear friend, I shuffled to my sofa in the living room, got under my quilt and let my heart race on while my body just sank into stillness. Mack, Tray, Corey and Mike all were cleaning up. I could hear the tone of their voices in the kitchen. Couldn't make out any words, just the tone, like someone talking under water. I could hear the dishwasher opening, the sink being turned on to rinse, the refrigerator door opening, storage containers being taken out, plastic wrap drawer opening up. You know the sounds of your own kitchen, I could picture each of them in there. Someone eating one more spoonful of mashed potatoes, someone else tossing the plastic wrap box up in the air and catching it while talking.
One or two of them were talking at a time, then a slight hesitation, and one laughs first, then they all laugh. It quiets down, the conversation(s) start up again, and another wave of laughter. A follow up comment, and another wave of laughter. It went on and on. Not an efficient clean up operation, but that wasn't the point. It was a family, it was love. And I was just soaking it in.
How can you not just lie there thanking God that He has given you this family? I thought of how Mike and I met in a physics lab in college. Two nerdy kids. And how God had patience with us to bring us together (I'll tell that story later, for those of you who don't know). Then came Mack, then Corey. Two awesome sons. Mack brought us Tray. An awesome daughter. They are thoughtful, kind, with loving hearts and they act out their compassion. Look, they all came to dinner last night (Mack and Tray from Asheville) to wrap their arms around Mike and I and love us.
So, on the worst day came the best moment. Isn't God just so cool to do that? He knew I needed it right then. God provides. He provides even when we don't ask.
I will tell you, I am writing this Monday. I have been really too tired to sit and type until now. And I didn't realize the worst/ best moment connection until yesterday (Sunday.) I didn't realize it Friday night, I was just surviving. I didn't realize it Saturday, still surviving. And Sunday I was rebuilding. Sorting through the weekend. Mack and Tray left for home Sunday, I was still tired. As all things go, I was sad to have them leave, missed them and Corey and the upbeat atmosphere of having so many people who love us here in the house. That's human nature, to be missing them so intensely then. I burst into tears at one point to Mike Sunday night, why does this have to be so hard? A few minutes of tears and hugs, and then its so cool, God reaches down and picks us up and we are embraced by His loving arms. As in Psalm 23, He restores my soul.
What causes this joy, this happiness, this peace, this contentment?
It is the gift of presence. That's what I think. It is not just quality time, or saying the perfect words. It is not anything about being perfect. It is about the presence of love. The presence of God. The presence of those who love you. The presence of kind messages, thoughtful gifts, food, prayers.
It is the gift of presence of love.
We are not perfect, so our love will not be perfect. But you and I both know when love is evident. When love is being offered and given freely, with no thought to what is gotten back in return. Even though love is never perfect, it is the MOST WONDERFUL THING!!!
That's what I was feeling Friday night, the presence of love.
Mack and Tray decided to surprise Mike and drive down for a two night visit,from Asheville, with their bulldog Dwight Howard. I was in on this surprise, and tried my best to keep it a surprise. I think I did! They arrived at lunchtime Friday, walked into our house while Mike and I were sitting at the dining table. (Mike had come home from work to see me at lunchtime.) He was so surprised, he jumped up and hugged them and you know those times, you all keep repeating how you planned it and here they are and as parents, we just keep staring at them and smiling... these are our kids and look how they are adults and so darned mature and caring! I slept all afternoon, Corey joined us for dinner, and, well, you know the rest of Friday night's story...
Saturday was watching college football, me napping on and off. Some of Corey's friends were down from Atlanta, asked if they could just say hello. Isn't that amazingly wonderful? So I had another five minutes of hugs and encouragement. Taylor joined in, and I was able to nap on the sofa, hearing Mike, Mack, Corey, Tray and T all talk about all that football stuff.
Just being here. With my kids and husband.
Is this the joy God feels when we are with Him?
I have heard some people say they just don't know what to say or do, but they wish me well. No one knows for sure what the right word or action is. We are all guessing to a certain extent. Some guesses are more educated than others. The point is, show love in your words and actions. And the bigger point is, it is the LOVE that matters, not the words or the action. Sometimes it is just being there with someone that matters. Or leaving an encouraging message. God will guide you.
I have been so comforted by repeating Psalm 23 over and over and over. David doesn't fear evil in the valley because of what? for you are with me. Simply God being with him is enough.
Well, God is with each of us, every second of every day. His presence is right here. He never leaves us, neither slumbers nor sleeps, watches over us. He waits for us to turn to Him, He whispers to us, guides us.
We can feel the presence of His love, more perfect than that of my family laughing in the kitchen, every moment of our lives. We just need to listen for it.
Just have to show this photo. This is Howard, waiting at the bottom of the stairs for Tray or Mack to descend. He can sit like this for an hour waiting. That's how much he wants just to be with them.
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Details of Chemo #4 for those who want to know...
This was the hardest one on my body, and I have been actively thinking of how to make Chemo #5 easier on me. I have some ideas.
But yes you read that correctly! I will do two more. My blood counts are doing well. My White Blood Count are normal, my Red Blood Cells are slightly, tiny bit below normal. So Dr. M's advice was to do 6. Onward and upward we go!
I was floating on the laughter and prayers of friends Tuesday, having had lunch with 7 fantastic friends at PF Changs before chemo. I fell asleep during chemo for the first time, was so tired I couldn't keep my eyes opened and I started slurring my words while sitting there! Nurses are so kind. It makes sense to me to keep my feet and hands cold, to minimize nerve damage there similar to eating ice chips to minimize mouth sores. So I kept my feet and hands out of the blanket. Falling asleep, I didn't keep my mouth cold and I have had metal mouth, which is going away. It tastes like I am biting down on a bicycle handlebar, not that I would know what that feels like.... Delicious dinner with M and J enfolding us with love.
Wednesday I did my Millenia Mall walk with L, M and B. Great Thai Crunch Salad at CPK, and then home to nap. Thursday I had the Neuplasta shot and acupuncture in the afternoon, ferried by L. Feeling very tired in the afternoon. Friday I just couldn't get up. Every inch of my muscles ached, my lymph nodes were all tender and sore, headache, nausea present. I know this will pass, you just have to get through it. Right through it, through the middle. I drank lots of water with slight flavor (lemon, pomegranate, mango), did my L-glutamine powder, took an Epsom Salt bath for the muscle aches. Saturday was better, Saturday night I had the restless legs during the night, where your leg muscles just want to flex constantly. Only one night. Sunday I was even better, Mack and Tray provided a delicious dinner, and here we are on Monday, I've been sitting up for 2 hours, only slight aches, lymph nodes barely tender. Okie-dokie, we are going to get revved up for the next one! Corey is bringing dinner tonight, and we will watch Boise State versus Va Tech. A perfect evening!
For Chemo #5, I think I will not exercise as much on Thursday, just do gentle walking. And eat milder food Thursday night, so my digestive system is ready for Friday. I am downloading Anne Lamott's book Grace Eventually/ Thoughts on Faith so I can listen to that all day Friday (keeps me distracted and upbeat.)
Most importantly, I am asking God to relieve the side effects for Chemo #5, that my body will stay healthier while the chemo is attacking and whisking away any errant cancer cells left in my body. My prayers with yours, we have this one in the bag!
Thank you dear ones, your loyalty takes my breath away. MUCH LOVE, sara
