Email responses

Sunday morning, the lake is still, looks like a mirror. I hear the train whistle barreling through downtown Winter Park.  I can picture crowds of interested viewers meandering through Central Park's Autumn Art Festival, remarking on the gorgeous weather. I'm outside on the porch, sitting on a sofa with my basset hound next to me. She is in her "I could never make it in the wild" sleeping position, on her back with pink underside exposed.

Wednesday and Thursday exhausted me. Making thoughtful, emotional decisions is exhausting. I am taking it easy this weekend. My body needs rest, but my mind needs entertainment and intrigue. The 45-17 Florida State - Miami game last night gave neither.  The commentators started talking about whether Jimmy Johnson is an excellent NASCAR driver, or is it his team and car that are superior. Oh boy.  Then there's Angry Birds on the IPAD, a pretty mindless game where birds plummet into green pigs, which I have played so much my right hand is tired today. I need to find a good book to carry me away.

This morning's devotional was spot on. Paraphrased it was - Do not complain, as that leads to self-pity and rage. Instead bring ALL your cares to God. He will put His words in your mind and His song in your heart. I like that.

Reminds me of the verse from Philippians Mike e-mailed me early on in this adventure - Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

I am no better or worse than anyone at doing this.  You could do this. You could heal. God is waiting for each of us to turn our faces towards Him. Don't wait to get cancer to do it, look to Him now.

You also could write this blog. Reading your e-mails, you all have thoughts in your hearts I want to hear. That others would like to hear. So many of you have mentioned how neat a blog is. Try it!

I read Wendy Choiji's article (Orlando TV anchor who beat breast cancer eight years ago) this morning in the Orlando Sentinel, and I think,  Can I do this healing as well as she did? She did it so well, with such strength and energy!

I hope I can do this. Hope. And what is faith? It is being certain of what you hope for. Lord, strengthen my faith that I am certain of healing every minute.  Remind me that I can only do this while looking to You.

Here follows the e-mails from you all.... which keep me going....  This is a long process and your dots and dashes of kindnesses are so beautiful. Thank you.

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This first email to me needs a note of explanation. The photo of the baseball field was from Sanford's Breast Cancer Awareness game this summer (the Sanford River Rats are one of the college summer teams of Florida League, which I have been involved with for 7 years and which was run great this summer without me involved much at all.) I couldn't go to any of them this summer, the timing always landed on a day I felt yechy. But here's what the fantastic stadium crew did on the field. The entrance sign to the stadium sign said, Team Sara!

  

 Hope you are enjoying a good day and the beautiful weather-
Thought I’d send over a couple of pictures. 
One from the season, (not sure if you had a chance to see)
and one new picture of our stadium sign.

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Praying hard, just listen, God will tell you.   It's all about trust isn't it.

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 God has guided you every step of the way so I know you  will know exactly what He wants you to do tomorrow...just listen to His "still small voice"

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You will indeed be covered  in prayer. Tomorrow is yet another chapter in your  book of healing.  These are situations  when you  think, pray, rethink , ask questions, take surveys, phone a friend  etc and (I know I sometimes feel)  it would be easier if He could just give you the answer in something understated like skywriting :-).  Alas,  His guidance will be  subtle yet affirming for what you will need.  I realize the subtle yet affirming is akin to "jumbo shrimp" but you understand!   I hope you rest well tonight knowing that Team Sara is standing with you.

From FL Hospital's wall in Cancer Wing

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 I am confident that you & Dr. M have made the right choice regarding your chemo, and am praying now for you to have peace about that decision. 

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May the wisdom that surpasses all understanding be present with both you and your doctor tomorrow.  I will be thinking of you and knowing that you and Dr. M will make the correct decision.  God Bless.....

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God has held you in the palm of His hand, thus far, and will never let you down. I am certain you will continue down the right path. 

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Sending you our prayers and love. God and all of your loved ones are with you now and tomorrow. You will be right where you're supposed to be- trust in that.

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My thoughts and prayers are with you. There's no doubt in my mind you will win this battle.
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Peace, Girl, Peace ... : )
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God speed.  I know you will get guidance and choose the right path.  I'm praying for you.
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I’m praying, praying, praying!!!!

Proverbs 3:5-6
Trust in the Lord with all your heart;
do not depend on your own understanding.
Seek his will in all you do,
and he will show you which path to take.

It sounds like you have a wonderful counselor in Dr. M.  I’m praying for him, too!

Proverbs 15:22
Plans fail for lack of counsel, but with many advisers they succeed.

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Just as you have been doing , pray,listen ( to God, your body and spirit,and, oh yes, Dr. M,) and trust. 

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As you go into #6, my thoughts and prayers continue.  Even though you have had a few more problems with #5, you have tackled them.
I am sure # 6 will see the same steadfast success. And it will be your last chemo!!!  Yeah! I had problems with #2 and #3, but the last one seemed to go more smoothly.  Of course there was more exhaustion, but the treatment and problems of the past seemed easier for some reason.  Knowing that it was going to be over after that, may have given me more resolve and peace.  I hope that happens to you. 

Wrap yourself in all the prayers, hugs and love your family and friends are sending your way.
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Disturb Us, O Lord
when we are too well pleased with ourselves
when our dreams have come true because we have dreamed too little
when we arrived safely because we sailed too close to the shore

Disturb Us, O Lord
when with the abundance of things we possess
we have lost our thirst for the Waters of Life;
having fallen in love with life, we have ceased to dream of eternity.
And in our efforts to build a new earth,
we have allowed our vision of the new heaven to dim. 

Disturb Us, O Lord - to dare more boldly
to venture on wider seas where storms will show your mastery
where losing sight of land, we shall find the stars.
We ask you push back the horizon of our hopes,
and to push us into the future with strength, courage, hope and love."

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Thinking of you today as you come to grips with Chemo # 6.  The above prayer, a version of the original attributed to Sir Francis Drake (at least according to the internet!), is offered by Father J. every Sunday.  I love it!  Cancer has disturbed you, and it has disturbed all of your family and friends who love you!  Deeply and profoundly disturbed us!!!!   I love the analogies we can make from an explorer’s prayer to our own, landlocked lives.  You are one of the lucky ones who have ventured on wider seas where storms are revealing to you God’s mastery.  We, your friends, can only hope that we can share your adventure…..lose sight of land and find the stars and watch God push back the horizon of our hopes and push us forward with strength, courage, hope and love!!   Isn’t it a great prayer!!!

Keep the faith in the Lord’s mastery!

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Yes, definite is good! One more chemo to rid your body of those little bastard guys! Give 'em hell!

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This is just amazing. I know it isn't the answer you wanted or expected to hear, but I am so glad the doctor was so sure about his decision and you have a definite direction.

I thought I would share a story that might encourage you. This is a little bit lengthy, but bare with me, it will make sense in the end!

As you know, I had two shoulder surgeries when I was playing baseball. When I came out of surgery #1, the doctor told me it was one of the largest labrum tears they had seen or heard of, but they still expected me to make a full recovery. I had to go to a rehab clinic 3-4 times a week for months. Eight months into rehab after my first surgery, my throwing was not progressing the way it was supposed to. Rehab was supposed to take anywhere between 8-12 months, but I couldn't throw 30 ft. without pain. I suspected this was because the initial tear was so bad, and that the rehab would just take a little longer. The doctor wanted me to have another Arthogram and MRI to make sure everything was ok.

When I went back for the follow up appointment after the MRI, I was told I needed a second surgery, the initial surgery didn't completely stay in tact. I was devastated. I felt like all of the rehab to which I already dedicated so much of my time accomplished nothing, and now I had to go through it again.

I chose to see a new doctor for surgery #2. He was very well known for his work on shoulders. After the surgery, Dr. #2 told me that if Dr. #1 did everything he said that he did in the surgery notes, he had done all that he could. I had a very bad tear. Dr. #2 performed a different technique and also discovered that sometime between surgeries 1 and 2, part of the cartilage in the front of my shoulder got rubbed away. They didn't know how this would effect me throwing because it was not common.

I want to share with you what the doctor told me after surgery #2 because I remember his words as clear as day and I later used it as motivation. He told me "We fixed your labrum, but we don't know how you will recover because of the complication with your cartilage. I'm not sure if you will ever be able to throw again, but I want you to rehab like you normally would for this surgery and we will re-evaluate later." They told me to expect a much longer rehab (12-18 months this time) because that was typical after a 2nd labrum surgery.

I was determined to make it back to the field to prove to the doctor that it could be done. After 21 months of rehab from surgery #2, I played my first game on the field again.

While shoulder surgery is nothing like the fight you are fighting, I wanted to share this story with you because I imagine that on Wednesday morning, you felt a little bit like I did when I found out I had to have surgery #2. You have endured all of this pain until now, and in your mind you were ready to move on to the next thing (radiation), just to find out you have to go through it again. When I got the news, initially, I was furious. I asked God why this had to happen. At this point I realized that it was all in His hands and during the course of those months of rehab after surgery 2 I grew much closer to Him. Philipians 4:13, which says “I can do all things through Him who strengthens me”, took on an entirely new meaning to me.

I later realized that whatever the outcome was of all this surgery, ultimately I grew much closer to God and that was something that would last forever Whether I made it back to baseball or not didn’t matter, it was God’s plan to take Baseball away to draw me closer to Him.

I was blessed to get the best of both worlds, I grew closer to God and He gave me baseball again. I pray the same will be true for you and that life goes back to normal after the last chemo and radiation.

Keep up the fight! 

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Isn't it the best when a Dr. can tell you exactly the what needs to be done?!!  Halaluya!!  I hope you are doing well and are content in knowing what needs to be done!   In my heart I feel you will recover! 

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Your doctor made the decision for you. He was an instrument of God. Dr. M has the skill, knowledge, and historical background with all types of cancer that you have to believe you are in the best of hands. Onward you go to the last chemo. You are right... look out cancer cells... this final round will terminate your existence in Sara's body. GOOD riddance!!!! Always praying for you, ALWAYS thinking about you and I love to hear your name announced every Tuesday at the Healing Service. So many people you don't even know are praying for your recovery. God is at your side, every step of the way. You have felt His presence all along and those of us who have been able to follow your path believe more than ever in the power of prayer. Stay peaceful, sweet lady. Allow your family to continue loving you and caring for you. May God continue to give you peace, courage and strength! All my love and smiles heading to you, 

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Bless you Sara we are with you all the way

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Oh, Sara isn't it amazing when you can actually see the hand of God guiding you! And think of it this way - you need 6 chemo treatments and you are done with 5.  You are 83.33% through. Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.

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Thanks for your update.  We are happy to know you have direction and certainty, but also praying for your peace in the midst of this long road.  I understand and was tracking with your logically divided path, where chemotherapy was likely done and Part 2 ready to begin. I am sorry there is another Chemo for you, but so grateful for clarity.  I'm sure so much is nebulous and judgment calls and weighing options and pros and cons, so this is welcome in its black and whiteness.

You continue to inspire us in your faithfulness to our Lord, and your assurance that He and only He can give understanding and peace and direction.  Go get 'em! 

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I am so thankful you have the peace to take the next step. I pray each day that God will wrap his loving arms around you and I know he is doing that. 

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   Please do not worry about this 6th treatment.  First of all  not everyone's case is the same however,  I had a very aggressive cancer and it had spread to my lymph nodes and my tumor was 4 centimeters.  I had 9 chemo treatments and 6 weeks of radiation and that was 16 years ago.  I have some neuropathy in my feet but nothing I can't live with.  You will survive this and be fine.  I'm glad Dr. M. was so definite about this.  Give this up to the Lord and he will take care of you.

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I'm with you in saying GOOD-BYE to those little buggers!! Love you!!
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 Sara, I am glad our prayers were so clearly answered! Get psyched up for round #6. I know that is tough to do, but you have done it before, and you can do it again. I dreaded my third brain surgery but kept telling myself, that I survived the previous ones and I can do it again. "Attitude is Everything." You know what to expect, and that can work against you sometimes, but you are going to have so many of us praying for you and caring for you. You are surrounded by love. Can you feel it? I hope so! Keep all of us posted. You stay in my daily prayers!!!

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I'm praying for you! You are a very positive person with a very supportive family. I believe you handle Chemo #6 with ease! With a positive outlook and a family behind you, you beat this terrible disease! 

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And we will continue with the prayers, my friend.

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Sara, I am sure you have made the correct decision. Through the help of God's grace, you heard positive answers from your Dr. I will continue to keep you in my prayers while you speed your way to a total recovery!! God bless you!!

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Definite is good! Hooray! The last one should be a piece of cake with what you have already endured!

 

 

Sometimes I just want to step into a church

Went to our church's Thursday night sermon dry run last night, because it was 6 PM and I asked God what I should do. Going to the sermon dry run came to mind. I had never done it,  I felt like being in a church.  I just wanted to be in an area with a bunch of Christians. I know God is everywhere, but doesn't he seem a little more present some places than others? Ocean beaches, mountains, churches. Maybe all the energy of the Holy Spirit in people make God more present in a church (note - there is NO theology I know of that backs up that statement.)

Anyway, sometimes I just want to step into a church.

At college I did that sometimes, go into the side chapel, sit quietly in a pew and talk to God. The chapel was right in the heart of campus, next to the library and the student union, on the path to the engineering quad. I can remember the swoosh of the immensely heavy wooden door opening, the cool and dry air, the absence of sound. I could picture all the students that had been praying there for hundreds of years.  It was gorgeous, a Gothic Cathedral. Sometimes there was organ music, sometimes a tour of the chapel.

In Texas, church was very near our home. I would stop in randomly. Churches were unlocked in the 1970's.

At Moffitt Cancer Center in Tampa, I would go into the chapel right after Mike was called in for each radiation treatment 17 years ago. He had lymphoma. I would sit down, and start to cry. Cry for a few minutes, then I was fine. No particular words. Just cry. Then I would get up, go get settled to wait out his two hour treatment reading a book. I would be fine. It was a nice enough chapel, with wood altar, stained glass. And it had several boxes of tissues on the seats, so I knew others had been there doing the same thing.

So yesterday I had the feeling I needed to be in a church. You ask God what should you do at a given moment, and He tells you - go to church. Hmmm. We joined a new church (it meets in an ex-movie theater, the seats are very comfortable) but this was since my cancer diagnosis so I haven't been to many services since chemo - avoiding germs.  I had been thinking their Thursday dry run sermon would be few people, low germ probability. It's not a service really. I walk into the church, twenty people there. I sit down.  Happy to be there. Feel comfortable. Smiling. After a few minutes the pastor asks us to bow our heads to pray, I do, and I start to cry. HA! GOT ME! The permission I needed.   Safety.  I don't want to do Chemo #6 I said.  Pause. But I will do anything to be healed.

I am doing Chemo #6 with full commitment.

And, better news follows, dear S can come down again and keep Mike, me and the house from coming unglued. So many have stepped up for this last couple chemos. It takes a community to heal, I have found. It takes a community to love and grow in Christ, I see this too.

I bet you all are getting tired of this. Yes, me too.

What was the sermon about, you might ask? God has prepared the most awesome table for a community dinner that you could ever imagine. He invites us all to join in. We are all invited to join in that community dinner right now. Right as we are. DO NOT WAIT UNTIL YOU ARE PERFECT. On your own, you will never be perfect. Accepting that we are forgiven by Christ, God asks we come now. It is not about us, it is about all of us.

AND a side note in the sermon -  if we care too much about how we appear to others (our image and all the surroundings) we cannot fully be caring about others, as fully as God wants us to love others. It's not about us.

The church is a community of people. God has been constant in His love and devotion to me throughout the past few days, and always. Our emotions go up and down and sideways. He is the same, yesterday, today and forever.

Mike came home from his business trip last night. It feels so much better just having him here.
Today is a beautiful day.

We have a plan

This has been an unsettling two days. Change is sometimes unsettling.

Getting the decision definite from Dr. M. was such an answer to prayer. I just didn't hear the decision I wanted to hear.

My brain knows I need to do one more chemo on Oct 19th. My heart is accepting this. Your words and e-mails have helped me.

One friend said I must have had a willing spirit inside me to NOT try to talk the doctor out of Chemo #6. As you all know, I can be persistent when I have my mind set on something. And if I don't agree with something, it is really really hard to keep my mouth shut and go along.

Had a lovely walk with Corey, lunch with Dad and Corey. Then took the first antibiotic, Levaquin, for the breast infection. Small potatoes. Getting smaller (HA!)

We have a plan.

We have a path.

We are walking down it.

God is my guide.

Peace at last.

Prayer works.

Definite Decision

Proverbs 3:5-6
Trust in the Lord with all your heart;
do not depend on your own understanding.
Seek his will in all you do,
and he will show you which path to take.

 

Prayer works...

Rarely in my life have I felt so surrounded by prayer and so certain that God was right there with me ...in the room with Dr. M and I this morning.  A twenty minute discussion.  I can not tell you have much your prayers and e-mails meant to me as I was driving there, circling up six levels of the Florida Hosp parking garage, winding my way through the elevators and then sitting in the waiting room. I sat waiting for thirty minutes in the waiting room and read over your e-mails, over and over.

The meeting didn't go quite the way I thought it would. I left truly surprised. Shocked even. It took several hours for his news to sink in.  After reviewing all my records thoroughly the night before, and after spending time rereading studies on chemo treatment for my kind and stage of breast cancer, Dr M has no doubt in his mind that I need six chemos total  (one more.) This is definite.  Not the ambiguity I heard at the last appointment. There was no thought of giving me a choice he said, unless I physically didn't think I could handle the temporary side effects from chemo. Right.....

The tumor I had was small but very aggressive (his words.) I said, Aggressive? He said, Yes. Very Aggressive. Whoa horses, that is a hard pill to swallow. He said, It had, surprisingly for its small size, already gone into one node, and there is a good enough chance that some cancer cells had spread elsewhere through vascular means. So six treatments of a high dose of two chemo drugs at once is the recommended treatment to get the cancer cells that had spread. The studies are not ambiguous, he said.

So what about the nerve damage I am seeing, and my heart and liver and bone marrow we can't tell? He says, as long as my nerves are totally healthy at the time of a chemo, any effects of the chemo are reversible. He doesn't want to do a chemo until my nerves are completely happy. He wants to delay the last chemo one week to give me more time to get healthy, so it will be Oct 19. As for my bone marrow getting damaged (leukemia), well my white blood count, red blood count, and platelets are normal even today (only two weeks after a chemo) so he says my bone marrow is healthy and not being affected to the extent we would worry. He said my heart and liver, according to today, both look healthy and not to worry at all about them ...at all.

I asked, But you gave me the choice of four or six before. In fact, earlier you said four were definite, and the next two were maybe too much. He said my body has stayed really healthy through all the chemo, which is not the norm. And in his review for our meeting today, he went back to the original studies for this treatment and thoroughly looked at my records and reports and tests, and it was clear. Six treatments.

And of course I asked, if I were one of your family, what would you say? He said, with your blood counts, definitely do #6.  No question in his mind.

Bottom line, by him, I have a higher probability of breast cancer returning than lasting damage to my nervous system, heart, bone marrow or liver.

The big answer to prayer, Dr. M was definite. There wasn't any choice in his mind.

Thank you God for definite.

Thank you God that he reviewed my records again and reviewed the original studies.

Thank you God that all of your prayers (my friends and family) were surrounding this decision.

And

Thank you God I will get one more chemo, which will be the nail in the coffin for any cancer cells still in me.   Watch out little cancer cells, this is the final goodbye!

How wonderful that two friends, L and S, were mall walking with me today, so I got to tell them all this right away, process it, and get some exercise. I was still in shock when they first saw me, and must have babbled on and on and on.

Then I went, by Dr. M's guidance, to the surgeon Dr. R this afternoon. Seems I have an infection inside the left breast, and will get some IV antibiotic at some point over the next two days. Compared to the first discussion, this is small potatoes!

J prayed for me. I dropped by her home. I have never, that I can remember, dropped by someone's home to ask them to pray for me. I felt like I needed it, and I wanted her to pray. It was around lunch time, she was home. We talked, she prayed. I went in a little shaky, and came out with the peace that passes understanding growing stronger in me. Growing....

Dinner with Dad, talked with Mike (he's in Georgia), talked with B and Mack and D. I knew I needed to process this because I would be alone all night, needed to get this settled before the sun set. You know that feeling? Visited L to process some more. I am so blessed with all of you. Doesn't God provide more that we can ever ask?

Honestly, I am a little scared right now of actually going through Chemo #6. I was mentally done with chemo and looking ahead to starting the six and a half weeks of radiation.

But on the good side, I am one hundred percent confident that I need Chemo #6, that God's path includes me doing Chemo #6, and that I will not be alone for even one second.  Let my thoughts feed my feelings.

 Ever Onward and Upward.....

Please pray

Dear all,

Tomorrow morning I meet with Dr. M to decide if I do the sixth chemo or stop at five (which was two weeks ago.)  You talk about a choice of yes or no which potentially has long term consequences...

 The thought to stop now is that there has been more lingering nerve damage than before. Tingling still in hands and feet, and a sensation of burning down front of left leg that is slowly dissipating. A feeling of tapping on the left heel. And what is called "floppy feet" the first week, when you walk on stairs the feet don't balance correctly. They flop. These show the chemo is working well, and the concern is the damage to my bone marrow, heart and liver might be to the point where we should stop.

The thought to continue on with the sixth chemo is that we want to make sure we have zapped all the cancer that might be anywhere. I think we have.

So, please pray for discernment for Dr. M and me, that the decision made will be the one that leads down God's path of healing.

THANK YOU!

Psalm 23

God is the start, telling us He is all we need.

He builds us up, then sends us out. 

He is with us through tough times, 

He blesses us more than we can imagine.

Every day will be a beautiful day as His child.

Recognize the above? That's my paraphrase of the 23rd Psalm. Try paraphrasing some of your favorite verses. You can.

The 23rd Psalm is the most requested of chaplains visiting hospitals. Has everything in it, including sheep!  I have been repeating it to myself (and to Mike, lucky him) over and over these past few months. I haven't read commentaries on this Psalm, and I am certain there are essays and sermons on the internet I could look up and delve into. But I sometimes prefer taking a verse or Psalm and meditating on it myself. You too can do this. So here goes:

The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want. 
It starts off with God. Everything starts off with God.

The concept of Him being our shepherd is immensely calming. He watches out for danger and protects us when it comes. He knows where to lead us so we have food, water, shelter. He keeps us healthy. We are His focus. We are His.

He will provide everything we need and want. This concept is one I am trying to do better on. When something happens counter to what I wanted, it most likely is Him knowing there is something better for me down a different path. Got to trust God. He will provide. He is the shepherd, I am the sheep.


He makes me lie down in green pastures. 
He leads me beside quiet waters. 
He restores my soul. 
Oh how I have visualized this over and over these past months.
Yes, He MADE me lie down. He got my attention. He stopped me in my tracks and my body rested.

God is restoring my soul. Not me restoring my soul. NOT ME, but God.
How?  Well first of all I need to do that rest thing. Lie down. Be still. Be quiet. Be peaceful. Not on a time schedule. Not for fifteen minutes in between pedicure and budget meeting. True resting. If God is important to me, I will take time to be with Him. And He is, so the answer is YES I WILL.

Once I am resting, I turn to Him. Open myself up to Him. Ask Him to search me, heal me.
He will.

He guides me in paths of righteousness 
for His name's sake. 
Once my soul is restored, He sends me out. The restored soul isn't the end of the road here on earth. He wants me out there, under HIS guidance.

Why? To reflect Him. To allow His light to shine in others' lives. To give Him the glory. This is all not about me, it is all about Him.

I want to work on giving Him the glory. I picture football players kneeling down when they score a touchdown. Or baseball players pointing up when they get a hit. I don't think those actions translate to my day to day living.Can you picture checking out at Whole Foods and pointing to Jesus, thanking Him that you just purchased groceries? Now that I think of it, why not?  Okay, I'll think on this one.

I do want to live each day reflecting Him. Showing His love to every person I am with, dear friends, family, Whole Foods check out guy, next door neighbor.

I need to work on reflecting all glory to God, and even before that, being out there in the world beyond me working how HE wants me to. This is in the process stage.

Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, 
I will fear no evil for you are with me. 
Your rod and staff comfort me. 
So we are restored and out there in the world walking with God and what?
It isn't all pancakes and maple syrup? Nope.
There will be tough times, trials, darkness, illness,  you name it.

We aren't promised easy, we are promised His presence.
We aren't promised no evil, we are promised Him.
It is through the tough times we learn how much He loves us individually.
We see His power.
It is through the tough times our faith in Him grows.
Thank you Lord for the tough times. You think I am worth it!

You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies.
You anoint my head with oil.
My cup overflows.
Whoa there... this really sounds like gloating to me. And enemies? Do I have enemies?
I have read these verses over the past fifty years, and pictured David the King and warrior, with the enemy army watching him eat.
Now I picture me at the table, with the food of angels laid out before me, and the chef is God. That's good cooking. Looking at me are my enemies. Still don't know who they are, they are in darkness so I can't see their faces.
I have been trying to figure this scene out.

It is God preparing the table, so He is saying "Do not hide my work in your life." We aren't to brag about what He does, we do need to get the "I am better than you" out of our voices lest we sound like Pharisees and we are self-righteous.

But we are to thank Him and acknowledge His work in our lives and talk about Him and be happy about how much He loves each of us. Otherwise, such a big important part of our lives will be left out of our conversations. The most important part will be left out.

Enemies. If I have enemies, I ask God to reveal them to me so I can pray for them and heal the relationship.  

The anointing with oil might refer to their time when royal successors are anointed, but I like to think about anointing for healing right now.

The cup overflowing, well, isn't that just the coolest thing? Picture Jesus pouring into your cup. He gives you more than you asked for, more than you need. How can you not smile and chuckle.

Surely goodness and loving kindness will follow me all the days of my life. 
And I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever. 
Looking towards a positive future. Goodness. Loving Kindness. You don't hear those words much in today's media. Or even in our conversations. But think on these two thoughts. Goodness. Loving Kindness. What do they mean to you?

To me, goodness is purity and innocence and light hearted laughter. It's truth and beauty and vitality and hope.
Loving kindness is action. It is a gift that is spot on, that encourages you or makes you smile. It is a gesture that fills an emptiness in you. It is a word that lifts you up. It is a soft breeze though trees, a hummingbird at your feeder, hitting a home run, sinking a forty foot putt, watching the sunset over the lake. It is sitting on your grandfather's lap when you were five, or receiving an IPAD when you got your biopsy results. It is touching on grace, undeserved favor.

Imagine being surrounded by goodness and loving kindness. No one is judging you that you come up short on either account.  It is wanting to envelop you. 

Dwelling in the house of the Lord. Who dwells in someone's house? Their family.
Yes that is right. We are the Lord's kids.
Doesn't that say it all?

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Psalm 23

The LORD, the Psalmist's Shepherd. A Psalm of David.

    ¹The LORD is my shepherd,
         I shall not want.
    ²He makes me lie down in green pastures;
         He leads me beside quiet waters.
    ³He restores my soul;
         He guides me in the paths of righteousness
         For His name's sake.
    ⁴Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
         I fear no evil, for You are with me;
         Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.
    ⁵You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies;
         You have anointed my head with oil;
         My cup overflows.
    ⁶Surely goodness and lovingkindness will follow me all the days of my life,
         And I will dwell in the house of the LORD forever.

Am I doing this right?

Sitting in my sand yellow leather chair upstairs in our bedroom a few mornings ago, a thought zooms into my mind like an arrow.

Am I doing this right?

Then another arrow:

Am I doing enough?

Followed by other thoughts-

Is my lifestyle being redirected enough?
Am I learning the lessons I need to learn to stay cancer-free?
Have I taken up all the habits I need that will keep me healthy?
Have I gotten rid of the thoughts that need cleaning out?
Have I forgiven enough?
Have I processed enough?
Am I thankful enough?
Have I done enough?

Bernie Siegel (author of Love, Medicine and Miracles - a GREAT book to read anytime in life, but especially if you get cancer) says to ask yourself - Why did my body need this disease?

My first answer - to redirect my life.

And how am I doing on that redirection you might ask?
I've stopped in my tracks in the midst of a most hectic year of life and started refocusing.
I know I want to live fully in the freedom of God's presence all day long.
I'm seeing anew the value of me, my husband, my family, my dear friends.
I am spending time on what is important to me.

But am I doing it right?

My question of AM I DOING THIS RIGHT is on two levels - on the physical level of healing, and on the spiritual level of healing. You don't just get better physically and then move on, forgetting the spiritual lessons of healing. At least I don't want to. Like every event in life, I want to emerge out the other side closer to the woman God intended me to be.

In rereading this blog entry, it is meandering, non-focused, choppy. 

Can you tell I am a bit uncertain of the path forward, that my mind is peeking down lots of paths and weighing them against each other? Waiting for guidance.

Oh, the peaceful existence of a basset hound. No worries as long as she can lie on the sofa and look over at the alpha dog (that's me, I'm the alpha dog.) 

And that's us with God, no worries as long as we can lift our faces and look to Him. 

Physical level - Big decision
I was so excited the day Dr. M said okay to six chemos. Well, now I am leaning towards only five. Chemo is a balance between enough chemicals to kill off the cancer cells and but not too many chemicals that harm your healthy body longterm. I understand with the group I got, you have potential to damage your heart, bone marrow, liver and nerves.

This time around, ten days after chemo #5, my feet are both still tingling, the front of my left shin feels like it has been burned, and my hands are tingly. Also for the week after chemo, I had floppy feet at times.  It was difficult to smoothly go up and down stairs as my feet didn't make those small adjustments you make with each step. I think the feet nerves weren't giving my muscles the instantaneous feedback needed for balance. My mouth and esophagus also were more severely affected, they were sore and hoarse.

You can't tell if your heart, liver, bone marrow's been damaged long term yet, so the nerve issues to me are the canary in the coal mine.

I've been on time for each of the five chemos, and I think they have done their work as evidenced by the nerve issues and the hair loss, etc. Actually I am confident the chemo has zapped any errant cancer cells. Dr M's assistant said the majority of patients on this chemo mix and schedule do not make the first five on schedule. And that it isn't a clear cut decision to do four, five or six, there are pro's and con's to each way and really it is my decision at this point. I fall between the cracks of the protocols.

It's a risk-reward decision to stop at five. Getting in one more than four was excellent. My feeling is that a sixth chemo would do more damage to me than it would help me. I don't want to make this decision because I am scared of physically feeling yechy for Chemo #6. I am comfortable I could do it. I want to listen to the signals my body's giving me, and do the best for long term health.

So I have an appointment next Wed AM with Dr. M, to discuss and decide. If the front of my shin is still burning constantly, this will be an easy decision. And we will discuss when radiation starts.

Yes, I think the chemo has done its job. No more cancer cells running amok inside me.

Shouldn't I be jumping up and down for joy?

I'm not.

Why not?
First of all, I am tired all day long. I have about six good hours a day, during which I am delightfully happy to be seeing friends and getting a little exercise. Then I crash.

Second of all, I am still mulling this over inside. I am feeling more peaceful each day that the chemo is finished and no more is needed. That five chemos is the right decision. I am almost there. What a huge life decision.
Third of all, it hasn't seeped in. I have been marshaling all my energy to cooperate with chemo physically and spiritually, and now I will be changing to radiation. A new focal point. That's why I ask, did I get all I needed to get out of the chemo?

I read an online journal of a breast cancer survivor this weekend, and she didn't follow the doctor's orders it seemed. She traveled and partied, and had to put off chemos and spend many days in the hospital. And she is cured, eight years now. Am I being too picky about doing it all right, maybe that causes stress in itself? It's amazing how you can over think this... No I don't think I am being too picky. But I had that thought!

Spiritual Level - The real growth
Again, am I doing this right?

Having cancer is a wonderful time to see Jesus more clearly, to spend time getting to know Him a whole lot better, to learn what it is to need Him and to receive His grace in a huge way.

It is also a time to search your soul and see what needs pruning.  And to search your daily life and see what needs changing.

Think of it as an eight month strategic planning session on your life, with God as the facilitator.WOW!

I see that I can be the elder son in the Prodigal Son story.  I have been responsible and following all the rules, but am I like the Pharisees that sometimes I miss the point

The point is I already am His. Don't have to earn it. He wants me to wake up with Him every morning, spend time with Him, walk with Him all day long, really enjoying His presence. And then at the end of the day, rest peacefully knowing He thinks the day was fantastic because I was with Him. That's it, plain and simple. Wow.

Am I doing what He wants me to do at this time in my life?  Is there some concept I am not grasping

I have so much to learn in the spiritual growth area.
I want to pray better.
I want to meditate many days a week.
I want my relationship with God to deepen.
I want my relationships with my dear friends to deepen.
I want to resent less, compassion more
I want to love others purely.
I want to blur the boundary between my time communicating with God and the rest of the day.
I want to do anything and everything He wants me to.

I want to be of use to Him.
I want others to see He loves them, to care for others for Him.
I want to be a woman more in line with what He wants me to be.
I want more God in my life.

Luckily, God wants more of Him in my life too. So I know I'll be getting help from Him on that one.

Wouldn't it be much easier if getting closer to God were a snap-your-fingers deal. But it isn't.  And today I listened to a sermon which touched on JUST THIS POINT. Hmmmm.

It was titled "Sullenberger flew a plane into a river".  This guy was a hero, you know the story, a flock of Canadian Geese flew into the engine and it froze, he couldn't land at LaGuardia, if he landed on the Jersey Turnpike many in cars would die. He had minutes to decide and take action. He decided to land on the Hudson River, and no one was killed.

The point is, he was a hero, but he wasn't just a guy from the coach section who happened to be called up to the cockpit and rescue the plane by miraculous insight in emergency landings, etc. He was an experienced pilot who had rigorous education and training, years of flying with minor crises which taught him lessons along the way. He very well could have gotten divine insight during those crucial minutes, but overall he had an idea of how to handle an emergency. He had spent years and years training and learning and preparing.

That is US. That is ME. We are becoming who we are meant to be.

God doesn't necessarily snap His fingers and BOOM I am jumped to the next higher level in my relationship with Him or SHAZAM I am light years more compassionate or loving or generous. No, it is a process. It is a way. It is a journey. Every day of my life, if I ask and am open to receiving, God's love rains down on me all day long. He works on me like the potter and the clay. He is transforming me into who He wants me to be. He is guiding me where He wants me to go. And He is showing me what He wants me to see.

Our society isn't into slow process, it is into instant.

I don't see the instant changes in me.

Instant holiness or instant healing.

His time concept is not our time concept.

I am loved. He is guiding me. I'm His.

So

Am I doing this right?

How can I not be when He is my guide.

P.S. Mike's succinct comment on all my questions above - Sara, It's a process.