Am I doing this right?

Sitting in my sand yellow leather chair upstairs in our bedroom a few mornings ago, a thought zooms into my mind like an arrow.

Am I doing this right?

Then another arrow:

Am I doing enough?

Followed by other thoughts-

Is my lifestyle being redirected enough?
Am I learning the lessons I need to learn to stay cancer-free?
Have I taken up all the habits I need that will keep me healthy?
Have I gotten rid of the thoughts that need cleaning out?
Have I forgiven enough?
Have I processed enough?
Am I thankful enough?
Have I done enough?

Bernie Siegel (author of Love, Medicine and Miracles - a GREAT book to read anytime in life, but especially if you get cancer) says to ask yourself - Why did my body need this disease?

My first answer - to redirect my life.

And how am I doing on that redirection you might ask?
I've stopped in my tracks in the midst of a most hectic year of life and started refocusing.
I know I want to live fully in the freedom of God's presence all day long.
I'm seeing anew the value of me, my husband, my family, my dear friends.
I am spending time on what is important to me.

But am I doing it right?

My question of AM I DOING THIS RIGHT is on two levels - on the physical level of healing, and on the spiritual level of healing. You don't just get better physically and then move on, forgetting the spiritual lessons of healing. At least I don't want to. Like every event in life, I want to emerge out the other side closer to the woman God intended me to be.

In rereading this blog entry, it is meandering, non-focused, choppy. 

Can you tell I am a bit uncertain of the path forward, that my mind is peeking down lots of paths and weighing them against each other? Waiting for guidance.

Oh, the peaceful existence of a basset hound. No worries as long as she can lie on the sofa and look over at the alpha dog (that's me, I'm the alpha dog.) 

And that's us with God, no worries as long as we can lift our faces and look to Him. 

Physical level - Big decision
I was so excited the day Dr. M said okay to six chemos. Well, now I am leaning towards only five. Chemo is a balance between enough chemicals to kill off the cancer cells and but not too many chemicals that harm your healthy body longterm. I understand with the group I got, you have potential to damage your heart, bone marrow, liver and nerves.

This time around, ten days after chemo #5, my feet are both still tingling, the front of my left shin feels like it has been burned, and my hands are tingly. Also for the week after chemo, I had floppy feet at times.  It was difficult to smoothly go up and down stairs as my feet didn't make those small adjustments you make with each step. I think the feet nerves weren't giving my muscles the instantaneous feedback needed for balance. My mouth and esophagus also were more severely affected, they were sore and hoarse.

You can't tell if your heart, liver, bone marrow's been damaged long term yet, so the nerve issues to me are the canary in the coal mine.

I've been on time for each of the five chemos, and I think they have done their work as evidenced by the nerve issues and the hair loss, etc. Actually I am confident the chemo has zapped any errant cancer cells. Dr M's assistant said the majority of patients on this chemo mix and schedule do not make the first five on schedule. And that it isn't a clear cut decision to do four, five or six, there are pro's and con's to each way and really it is my decision at this point. I fall between the cracks of the protocols.

It's a risk-reward decision to stop at five. Getting in one more than four was excellent. My feeling is that a sixth chemo would do more damage to me than it would help me. I don't want to make this decision because I am scared of physically feeling yechy for Chemo #6. I am comfortable I could do it. I want to listen to the signals my body's giving me, and do the best for long term health.

So I have an appointment next Wed AM with Dr. M, to discuss and decide. If the front of my shin is still burning constantly, this will be an easy decision. And we will discuss when radiation starts.

Yes, I think the chemo has done its job. No more cancer cells running amok inside me.

Shouldn't I be jumping up and down for joy?

I'm not.

Why not?
First of all, I am tired all day long. I have about six good hours a day, during which I am delightfully happy to be seeing friends and getting a little exercise. Then I crash.

Second of all, I am still mulling this over inside. I am feeling more peaceful each day that the chemo is finished and no more is needed. That five chemos is the right decision. I am almost there. What a huge life decision.
Third of all, it hasn't seeped in. I have been marshaling all my energy to cooperate with chemo physically and spiritually, and now I will be changing to radiation. A new focal point. That's why I ask, did I get all I needed to get out of the chemo?

I read an online journal of a breast cancer survivor this weekend, and she didn't follow the doctor's orders it seemed. She traveled and partied, and had to put off chemos and spend many days in the hospital. And she is cured, eight years now. Am I being too picky about doing it all right, maybe that causes stress in itself? It's amazing how you can over think this... No I don't think I am being too picky. But I had that thought!

Spiritual Level - The real growth
Again, am I doing this right?

Having cancer is a wonderful time to see Jesus more clearly, to spend time getting to know Him a whole lot better, to learn what it is to need Him and to receive His grace in a huge way.

It is also a time to search your soul and see what needs pruning.  And to search your daily life and see what needs changing.

Think of it as an eight month strategic planning session on your life, with God as the facilitator.WOW!

I see that I can be the elder son in the Prodigal Son story.  I have been responsible and following all the rules, but am I like the Pharisees that sometimes I miss the point

The point is I already am His. Don't have to earn it. He wants me to wake up with Him every morning, spend time with Him, walk with Him all day long, really enjoying His presence. And then at the end of the day, rest peacefully knowing He thinks the day was fantastic because I was with Him. That's it, plain and simple. Wow.

Am I doing what He wants me to do at this time in my life?  Is there some concept I am not grasping

I have so much to learn in the spiritual growth area.
I want to pray better.
I want to meditate many days a week.
I want my relationship with God to deepen.
I want my relationships with my dear friends to deepen.
I want to resent less, compassion more
I want to love others purely.
I want to blur the boundary between my time communicating with God and the rest of the day.
I want to do anything and everything He wants me to.

I want to be of use to Him.
I want others to see He loves them, to care for others for Him.
I want to be a woman more in line with what He wants me to be.
I want more God in my life.

Luckily, God wants more of Him in my life too. So I know I'll be getting help from Him on that one.

Wouldn't it be much easier if getting closer to God were a snap-your-fingers deal. But it isn't.  And today I listened to a sermon which touched on JUST THIS POINT. Hmmmm.

It was titled "Sullenberger flew a plane into a river".  This guy was a hero, you know the story, a flock of Canadian Geese flew into the engine and it froze, he couldn't land at LaGuardia, if he landed on the Jersey Turnpike many in cars would die. He had minutes to decide and take action. He decided to land on the Hudson River, and no one was killed.

The point is, he was a hero, but he wasn't just a guy from the coach section who happened to be called up to the cockpit and rescue the plane by miraculous insight in emergency landings, etc. He was an experienced pilot who had rigorous education and training, years of flying with minor crises which taught him lessons along the way. He very well could have gotten divine insight during those crucial minutes, but overall he had an idea of how to handle an emergency. He had spent years and years training and learning and preparing.

That is US. That is ME. We are becoming who we are meant to be.

God doesn't necessarily snap His fingers and BOOM I am jumped to the next higher level in my relationship with Him or SHAZAM I am light years more compassionate or loving or generous. No, it is a process. It is a way. It is a journey. Every day of my life, if I ask and am open to receiving, God's love rains down on me all day long. He works on me like the potter and the clay. He is transforming me into who He wants me to be. He is guiding me where He wants me to go. And He is showing me what He wants me to see.

Our society isn't into slow process, it is into instant.

I don't see the instant changes in me.

Instant holiness or instant healing.

His time concept is not our time concept.

I am loved. He is guiding me. I'm His.

So

Am I doing this right?

How can I not be when He is my guide.

P.S. Mike's succinct comment on all my questions above - Sara, It's a process.

Chemo #5 - How and Why

Today is Chemo #5. I don't feel as anxious as numbers 1 through 4. YEAH!

That being said, Mike and I were both awake at 4:30 AM, stretching our backs, talking about Psalm 23, just talking. So I decided to bake blueberry-mango-walnut muffins (as I won't want to smell cooking for at least a week), and he decided to go out for his pretty much daily walk around the lake. Three and a quarter miles.

Totally off the subject - There are about eighty street lights on this walk around the lake, and seventeen went out as he approached them this morning. Does this ever happen to you? It ALWAYS does to Mike. We walk Sporty around the block, pass fifteen streetlights around our block, and three to five will go out every time. Out for just a few minutes, then back on. Ideas?

Back on track...

Dear dear friends, could you pray:

1. That all the renegade cancer cells in my body be killed and swept out by the chemo drugs today, and by my white blood cells

2. For protection for my healthy body from chemo's side effects, particularly my bone marrow and nervous system and heart.

3. That Mike be comforted and guided by God's presence in his life. (he has a lot on his plate, including me.)

Thank you for your steadfastness in prayer for us. I wrote in an earlier blog, this is the twenty mile mark of a marathon. It is definitely tiresome. But it is not me who needs to be strong, I just need to know where my strength comes from... PHEW!

I am just breathless from all of your kindnesses! Two mall walkings with L and B, then PF Changs lunch with D and S, I think they have lunched with me on the Monday before all 5 chemos... isn't that cool?

Today I have PF Changs lunch with some more loyal friends, and then chemo #5... Wednesday B is in charge of me, taking me to mall walk then CPK lunch is the plan. Thursday Corey and B and Mike take over, then Friday I think I will just stay put. What a wonderful week... Oh did I mention soup and dinners delivered all week? I am a PRINCESS, that's what I feel like!

How and Why.

I have forever been fascinated with the HOW of things, not quite as much the WHY. Oh I would like to know the WHY, but I do know that there are some WHY's I just won't know here on earth. I'll be darned if I let that worry me. But the HOW, that's another story. Wanting to know the HOW is what fueled my lifelong fascination with science. Don't you just look around and wonder - HOW did that get that way, HOW was it made, HOW do I get to my goal, HOW did that happen?

How did I get Invasive Ductal Carcinoma Stage 2?

How, I have some thoughts. And this in no way is laying blame on anyone, including not on me or God.  And I am not a doctor. Just my thoughts.

It is a thought in the Cancer World that some event happened about two years before a cancer is large enough to diagnose. That event is traumatic for you, and you need to process it for healing to take place thoroughly, probably forgiveness is involved. Yep, two years ago I can pinpoint two events where I needed to forgive myself and others. Unforgiveness and stress put so much pressure on your soul that your immune system isn't functioning at top speed.  It isn't able to kill the random mutant cells we all have a handful of in our bodies at any given time. Most most most of the time our immune system pretty easily zaps them. Not when you are under heavy stress, or carrying baggage.

I went to Fr. D at our old church, asked him to help me pray for forgiveness. He did. I have not asked for someone to pray with me often. I know each of us has a line straight to God's ear and we don't need others to pray. But sometimes there is an issue so weighty or confusing that I know I will benefit from someone who has been down this road before, helping me out. Ministers really do care about each of us.  They aren't just the guys (or gals) leading the Sunday services. The other six days of the week they care about us too.

Also, we ( me and a series of doctors) have been trying to figure out for two years why I had all of a sudden growths on my thyroid glands. Well, I started out at a doctor that specialized in woman's hormones, she put me on thyroid medicine for the first time, and also on a very high level of estrogen, progesterone, and some other hormones. 

When she did blood work, she wanted my estrogen and progesterone to be above the normal levels, which I questioned. She was adamant, that the normal levels cited on the lab sheet were too low. So she put me on much higher doses of estrogen and progesterone etc. Said that would improve all my hormone levels (including thyroid). This was new to me. Looking at my family history, heart disease has been an issue. No one has had breast cancer. So she wanted to protect my heart more than worry about breast cancer.

It was compounded estrogen and progesterone, which I now know meant there wasn't good quality control in the actual amounts I was getting. I tell you, my breasts were sore and tender for weeks. This concerned me, so I asked her. She said it was the normal reaction. After six months I switched to another doctor, I had been sore and tender for too long and I wasn't comfortable with the hormones overall.

The Invasive Ductal Carcinoma I had was determined to be both estrogen and progesterone fed. I'm not a doctor but it seems pretty clear to me that the  large doses of hormones encouraged a little cancer spot that  my body might have removed on its own, to break out of the milk duct walls and spread to the surrounding tissue, and then to the lymph node. We all have a few cancer cells in us, our body's immune system zaps them.

So there I was, needing to forgive, stressed out, and pumped up with hormones. I have forgiven, and am enjoying time of quiet when I ask the Lord to search me and find all else that needs dealing with. Why didn't I deal with those issues right away? Instead I put them in a box, up on a shelf for processing in a future date. I was too busy. (NEVER DO I WANT TO SAY THOSE WORDS AGAIN AS AN EXCUSE FOR ANYTHING.) That is our normal reaction, too busy to deal with the soul issues thoroughly.

I have said the before, and I bet I will say this again. Why do we spend so little time each day tending to the one part of us that is going to last for eternity, our souls? Today's success orientated society looks askance at people who just think, who take time to relax, who aren't on the fast track, who can look at the ocean for hours on end. Meditation. Prayer? That's time getting to know God. Talking to Him. And we squeeze it in early morning and late evening.

Mike and I are slowly redirecting to reduce stress. Don't need to jump, just slowly.. It's a process.

I am off the hormones as of when I had the biopsy. Love the hot flashes (they remind me I am not feeding cancer anymore!!!)

With all that being said, I also think there is an element of, It just happened. Somethings good, or bad, just happen because that is the way the universe is rolling. I don't want to place blame on me or anyone for any cancer. It is far far far more important what you do after you are diagnosed, I feel.

Why did I get Invasive Ductal Carcinoma Stage 2?

I absolutely know that God didn't give me this cancer. He doesn't do things like that. He is good, all the time.

I absolutely know that He is using this time to redirect me towards Him. To calm me down, get the busy out of my life so I can listen to Him and learn.  Learn who I am to be, what I am to do, what parts of me that need to change. And also, just rest. Restore. Relax. Renew. Redirect. Re-devote. Re-evaluate. Recognize. Refresh. All the re's...

The WHY isn't finished being answered.  You see some good outcomes in the Monday Morning quarterback mode. Inside and afterward, you can see so much positive coming out of this. 

I might sound wacky, but my body does has such intelligence. It knows what it needs, if I listen. Perhaps my eyes and thoughts needed to be turned inside for my long term good. I wasn't doing that on my own. Survival is a powerful force.

I want to figure out how to get all the positive, without the cancer next time! That's my assignment, how to live in God's presence every day, all day long. How to listen to His voice, and let Him restore my soul, every day. He wants to, I know that.

The 23rd Psalm is awesome. More on that in a later blog. The part that is germane to this entry is that at first God talks about restoring ME (verses 1 -3a), then after my soul is restored, He will guide me down those paths of righteousness for His name's sake. Yep, got to get right with God before you can go out and do His work. Sometimes getting right with God is walking through the valley of the shadow of death. It's worth it.

So this is redirecting me for whatever He wants. I knew from the beginning that God is stirring Mike and I up, and well, let's see what happens!

Everyone who has and is showering Mike and I with kindness, you all have had sadness and difficulty. You know, you get it. Thank you so much for making our days full of light and laughter and all things good, through this sometimes rocky adventure... THANK YOU!!!!

Do not believe that he who seeks to comfort you lives untroubled among the simple and quiet words that sometimes do you good. His life has much difficulty... Were it otherwise he would never have been able to find those words.     Rainer Maria Rilke

Flown by

Flown by. The past three weeks have flown by.

Ever feel like time is a train, a high speed train that is zooming ahead and you are a passenger, holding on for dear life?

I blinked my eyes, and it is the weekend before Chemo again.

I have moments of fear, that this one will be difficult in its aftermath. Then I say - NO NO NO, that is not the attitude to have! Be positive, this one will be even a smidgen easier that #4... and look, I made it through #4 and am here typing, aren't I?

One of my top ten verses right here. I thought of this as I woke up this morning and I picked it apart. I know that if I read commentaries, they would give me insights into this verse that would be great, but I really like just thinking about a verse over and over, what it says to me. What is revealed to me. Try it today...

For God - It starts with Him. He is the driving force, He is the creator of all, and knows the owner's manual for me. Actually He WROTE the owner's manual. He will be with me every second of this week.

gave us a spirit not of fear - Right here He says, fear isn't of Him. Aha, so it is a little demon creeping into my mind, or trying to creep in. When I physically don't feel great, or there is a real trial up ahead, this little demon wants to jump in. Clever, but not clever enough.

but of power - The Spirit God gives me is powerful, powerful enough to say to that little demon, Be gone, I am not going to dwell with you here, and it will go. Powerful enough to rest in God. When you have a project and you have completed it, and you know it succeeds, then you are confident in your ability. This is how we are to be, confident in the power given us by God to overcome anything that bumbles our way in this path of righteousness we are walking. If we slip, if we veer off the path, if we change directions, He is powerful enough to bring us back.


and love - Oh the most important of all. I thought this morning, when you love someone and are acting out that love in your words or thoughts or actions, you are thinking of THEM. In loving others, you are turning the focus of your life to them, and away from you. It is so freeing! "She had a spirit of love", wouldn't you love to have those words alone on your tombstone (not soon of course.) Love is a word we bat around all the time. Think on it when you are next in your thinking mode. I don't want to be the clanging gong, I want to be the healing and uplifting love to others.

and of self-control - At first, this one doesn't seem to fit. I get the spirit of power and love, but this spirit of self-control gets all practical on you. Nuts and bolts practical. But I can see, with the mammoth concepts of a spirit of power and love, you need to reign it in and accomplish something. We are not given power and love to do nothing. We are equipped with power and love so that we might see God more clearly, and then get going however HE wants us to in helping Him in kingdom work down here on earth. The self control might be to use the power and love in the manner He wants.

And then, a little different thought, the self control could be for me to control the input into my brain so that I am looking to Him, focused on Him, and dwelling with Him. It takes self-control to not go down the fear path. There are SO MANY little side branches from the path I am walking down with God.  Some of them
look so much like the one I am on that you don't know its a branch at first. Self control to stay in His presence, to keep trusting that He is God even when I don't see the evidence at that moment. To do the things to keep me there. To choose to be there. He will do the work, guide me. I just need to ask Him.

If you are wondering where these photos are from, I'll tell you. Building our home in 2009, Mike and I would come over during that 11 month period most weekends, walk through and see the progress. One weekend we decided to bring our bible, and write verses on the walls before they were dry walled or finished off.