Radiation - A Ray of Sunshine

I haven't told you about my "planning session" with the radiologist Tuesday. It was a two hour appointment.  This week I only had a few good hours in me each day so I didn't turn on the laptop. OOPS!

I start Monday Nov 8, in eight days. Every week day for 33 treatments. I get an average (I think) of 180 centigrays each time, totaling 6,000 centigrays cumulative. They zap the whole breast, focusing on where the lump was but they want to zap everything. The thought is that, after the lumpectomy, node removal and two different biopsies, the blood vessels weren't perfectly flowing so chemo didn't thoroughly flood the tumor area, a very important area.  Radiation comes in and finishes it off.

A linear accelerator (which is just what it sounds like, a machine that accelerates electrons to all move fast and in a line) throws electrons at a tungsten plate. Photons (a little packet of light, with high energy) are released from the other side, focused on me. The biggest damage is on the splitting DNA of my cells, and anything cancer is splitting (or reproducing) faster than the healthy cells.  Therefore the cancer DNA gets damaged the most. YEAH!

I thought I was getting IMRT, not GATE. Dr. S (who I truly like) explained they are the same radiation, simply different software for the application. He described IMRT as a pinpoint flashlight in the woods, and to see an entire tree you would need way too many flashlights. What I need is intense at the center, but with a wider beam to hit all we need to hit. He doesn't want to just get the one inch around the tumor area, as the goal is to get the entire breast. GATE is programmed to change with your breathing, much used in lung cancer. My radiations will be very short and they will show me how to breath to minimize getting my lungs in the radiation field.

I don't know if you wanted to hear all that, oh well.  Dr. S was patient and thorough in explaining my radiation treatment plan.

Anyway, they did a CT scan and some other measurements in the above machine (the entire office is Florida country motif.) I have a polyethylene bead pillow dedicated to me (with my name on it) that positions my head and neck for each radiation treatment. It is all computer driven.

And most elegantly, I currently have eight two - inch navy cross marks covered with clear plastic circles all around my chest, to help them get me lined up next time with their red dot laser beams. Monday, they will do pinpoint tattoos there. I have to keep these plastic circles on thirteen days. Tuesday I was lying on the uber-expensive CT machine, and smelled that Sharpie smell. I looked down (without turning my head) and yes, it was a Sharpie.

My thought, radiation is a ray of sunshine. Thirty three of them.

No hay mal que por bien no venga.

No hay mal que por bien no venga.

There is not bad from which good doesn't come.
(I do not speak Spanish, but a friend told me this Friday.)

I think we all believe this, but we want to hurry up the second part of the sentence. We loose patience when the good comes far removed in time from the bad. God has His own timing. Good will come when it comes.

All things happen for good for those who love God, Romans 8. Again, it is the timing issue. We have to be patient. It doesn't say that bad things don't happen. Or disappointments or tough times. It says, be patient. Good will follow.

I was in Target years ago, searching shelves for a particular item and I entered an aisle with two Target employees stocking shelves. I overheard their conversation, they were talking about all the tough things that were happening to one of them. Family member ill, not enough money, car broken down. The one said, "That is so sad, that is just so sad." The other replied, "Well I figure that right now, I am between blessings. Yes, the Lord is preparing to bless me, I just have to wait." Isn't that a cool way to look at your life?

How many times have you, months or years later, looked back on something you thought was a really tough thing, and seen good come from it. Sometimes we can see it right away, sometimes months or years later. The good doesn't take away the bad, it gives significance to the moment.
Right now, I am on the end of two days of not being peaceful, and not trusting in God.  Our darling basset hound Sporty had complications with her surgery (not her fault at all). She had a marble-sized growth taken off her shoulder Monday. It swelled up afterward. HUGE. She is a stubborn princess and doesn't like the bandages or stitches, so she tears off the bandages immediately, rubs the stitches against the floor, licks and scratches them. She popped the stitches three times (the incision is at four inches long.)  She's been back into the vet three times to be resown. Finally Saturday morning after the latest restitching, I fashioned a t-shirt, sewn and tied to prevent her from getting at them. By now I want to watch her constantly, because she still wants to rub them.

Why did they not suggest this the first time? Just like in chemo or radiation, why didn't they give me the tips beforehand?  You have to think for yourself, find your own way.

So I sit with her. It is resting, but not quite as restorative when you keep your ear open for her scratching. And last night, oh my, she started whining and banging her crate at 4:45 AM. I was thankfully sleeping right near so I can go in right away, she got her good leg caught up in the t-shirt. Wardrobe malfunction!  She and I go out into the living room, settle into our respective sofas. Mike takes over about 6 AM, just like the days of a baby with an earache.

Saturday I was so anxious about her not opening them up again, I couldn't settle down. I kept watching her, kept improving on the t-shirt (she looks like a little Casper the friendly Ghost, perfect for Halloween, eh?).

Dad came over here for lunch. Dad's best friend at the Towers broke his hip and is bed ridden. More sadness.

I was feeling terrible for her, for me, for everyone. The feeling of responsibility for her. I was so tired, and couldn't figure out how to make it so she didn't open up the stitches. I was all she had, the poor girl. And I was failing her miserably!

News flash: it is definitely easier to see the good and to not worry if you are well rested and physically feeling good. When you are tired and aching, it's definitely harder to be calm and look on the bright side. I think that is why I failed in the calm, peaceful department Saturday. I was Anxious with a capital A. And I am still a little bit edgy about her today.

Which reminds me to always always always remember, that everyone you come in touch with has some little part of their heart that has a tear in it. So treat everyone gently. 

L just said, there are earth mothers and there are rainbow mothers. Earth mothers dig in the sand with you, get their hands dirty, cook for you. Rainbow mothers see the vision with you, teach you to celebrate. How nice to be a little of each; I am sure we are all a little of each. I think I am more an earth mother, even for Sporty.

Off to meditate, nap, and then come the trick or treaters! We are joining our neighbors in the cul-de-sac, literally sitting in lawn chairs on the street, with Chicken Chili, ciabatta, fire pit, and candy galore.

What good is coming of Sporty's ordeal? I don't know yet. Compassion growing in me?  She's my sleep buddy. My sizzle sister. And we will heal together.

Chatting

I have found something I have missed.

My mother had it, I remember.

It has returned to my life and I don't want to loose it again.

Spending just plain ordinary time with people you care about, you love, your family and friends.

I love the visits I've had the past six months. Friends drop in, they chat. Sometimes just standing up at the door or in the kitchen for five minutes because the timing didn't work.

But usually they sit and chat for twenty minutes to an hour or two.

When did I stop dropping in on friends?

When did my visits shift from sitting on the back porch in your bare feet and gym shorts to being all dressed up in a restaurant, makeup on?

When did I become a person who didn't want to bother my friends by dropping in?  Do I think they will pretend to want to see me, even if for some reason they can't right then?

Why don't I focus on the positive, and know that friends are always delighted to be with me, and if there is something planned they need to do, then they'll tell me?

We do exercise together, and that's great. Those are hearty moments. Let's bridge those moments into sitting and chatting moments.

I absolutely love it that I, and Mike and I, have had more chance to visit with friends this past six months than probably the last six years. People pop over and if we are able, we just plain sit and chat.

Love it.

Memories of Six Chemos

A week later.

At this moment in time, the minutes and events of the past week are memories. YEAH!

As I opened my eyes this morning, once again every cell in my body was shouting out, We're happy! They were all wiggling and smiling, like a bunch of kids crowding home plate to high five the guy who just hit a game-winning grand slam. Everyone's crowded together, jumping up and down, just can't contain their joy.

Every chemo of this series of six will be remembered by me for something. As of this moment right now, here's my memories.


The first was all new, I was trying so hard to be brave and strong and do it all right. Mike and I clung together, you all showered us with gifts and food and flowers and words of encouragement and prayers. I didn't know what my future would be. I was trying so hard, I hadn't learned that God was totally in control. I was scared, but you know, I was brave.

The second and third blend together. They were tough times. I knew how I would feel, I was in the middle of it all, had a sinus infection.  Had a second biopsy after number three. Ouch! Just when you think you have the faith thing down, more gets thrown at you. Now I get it, but going through it is tough. I was carried through by Mike, S, family, friends, you visited, you called, you ate with me, walked with me, lifted me up, laughed with me, hugged me. Literally carried me through.

Fourth I was surrounded by family. Mike, Mack, Tray, Corey. Needed that. I knew Jesus was there, but I needed to have love right there in the room, in cellular form. That I could touch and hold.  Vivid photographs in my mind of that weekend.

Fifth was the worst I think. Hardest physically. My body was weak. Everyone chipped in and helped. I thought I was done with chemo, really thought it. A flamboyance of flamingos. Yes, that is true. I adore, simply adore collective nouns, and isn't that a great one?  Does anyone remember Ruth Heller's picture book on collective nouns out about twenty five years ago?



Now the sixth chemo, Mike and S watched about thirty hours of the television series The Tudors with me over a four day period. It is finally the glorious fall weather we all perch on the edge of our lawn chairs waiting for in Florida, but I wanted to be a couch toad and watch the Tudors series. So they did too.

We ate red velvet cake and beef tenderloin and pasta and shells and black beans and pecan pie and lemon pie. Black licorice and almonds. And chicken soup and chicken soup and oatmeal cookies and pears and chicken soup. They exercised in the mornings while I was still asleep or was doing a guided meditation, or napping. They walked and jogged all around Winter Park. Came back with stories (saw five peacocks, twenty five percent of the people are texting or using their cell phones while driving on Aloma, there was a fashion show in downtown Winter Park, fifteen percent are texting while driving on Aloma, there's a new head of South Korea, what was the season finale on Mad Men?)

One week later, I will never have chemo again. PHEW. All the cells in my body are happy, jumping up and down for joy. They are giggly happy. All the cancer that might have been hiding anywhere in my body has been zapped like a green piggy on Angry Birds.

Now is time to return to healthy.... ramp up for radiation...  I have my planning session with the radiologist Dr. S tomorrow.

By the grace of God we are healed.

Three Stones in the Desert

I have three stones in my pocket. You know the small, polished, rounded stones with a word chiseled on them? These are grayish brown and just a little larger than a quarter. One says "tired", one says "long", one says "vital." I finger them in my pocket, take them out and look at them, put them back.

I am peaceful and quiet, walking very slowly on a sand and dirt single lane road through a vast open Arizona-type desert. Only flatness to my left and right, and I don't know what is behind me or where I came from, for in this entire day dream I never look back over my shoulder, nor do I ever want to turn around.

Flatness to my left and right. Tumbleweeds and sandstone rocks, mainly patches of dry open desert. The road is arrow straight. I am alone walking. Walking. Walking. I am wearing beige and brown loose clothes, and brown sturdy sandals. I have no scarf or hat on, no hair.  The sun is not too bright, even though I am not wearing sunglasses.

The road leads to a rocky hill, dark brown and reddish with some green showing in the crags. It is not a smooth hill, it is folding and undulating. It is miles and miles away, just a bump on the horizon. A hill in the middle of the desert.

But I am peaceful. I am not thirsty or scared or lonely in the least. I question myself,  Why I am not scared?   I don't answer with words. I just shrug my shoulders and smile and keep walking. Some voice from above my head asks me how I feel. I answer, "tired." One of the words on my stones.

There are rough stones and rocks strewn everywhere on the ground, dust at each step. Walk past a sign next to the road. It says, "I am with you always", which is from the end of Matthew.

I tilt my head up, I can feel God's presence here. All around me. I am tired, but I keep walking. Peaceful. Walking slowly.

I warp ahead to the foot of the hill (aren't dreams great like that.) The path goes around a corner that was hidden by a rocky wall. I am now at a stream about eight feet wide. The other side of the stream is green and lush, and smells of cool breezes and flowers. There are gorgeous trees over there with big personalities.  It is a verdant English countryside forest with filtered light and blue butterflies and white daisies.

There is a small bridge of roped-together planks, swinging and rickety. Jesus is standing on this side of the bridge. He puts out his hand towards me. I give him my three stones. I get it, that the stone saying "long" is my fear. I have handed it to Him, He has taken it from me.

He takes my hand and helps me cross the bridge. He silently lets go of my hand and walks away.  I am so relieved to be safe on the other side. I end the dream standing there, just smiling ear to ear. Taking in the cool and the beauty and the peacefulness.

The three stones, here's my thoughts:

"tired" is how I feel now. Simple to figure this one out. He will restore my soul, He will recharge me. Not much emotion with this one, I'm just tired.

"long" is my fear. This is a long journey. Sometimes it seems so difficult. Can I keep on going? Am I doing it right? And will I succeed? I have always thought that I am good in a crisis, but boy it is so much more difficult to be disciplined and committed for the long haul. It is human nature to loose focus and patience and to keep on the path day after day after day. To stay in His presence all day long. "I can do it, I can do it" and then the next morning "Do I have to do it again?"

"vital" is my future. I want to live, not only just survive but LIVE with capital letters. I want to be enthusiastic for all God wants me to do here on earth. I want to be free from worrying about stuff that doesn't matter. I want to be filled with the Spirit and let His love overflow through me and out onto every single person I am with. I want the priorities of my life to be corrected. I have never thought of the word "vital", but it's a good one. I want to live so that God gets the credit.

I have handed these three to Jesus, my fear, my future and my present. He is in control and what a wonderful thing that is for me.

I take this dream as encouragement. My life is entering a new chapter. This past week my body has been reacting to chemo, first zapping cancer cells then getting to the work of healing the healthy part of my body, once again. It is like walking through a desert at times. Interesting that I wasn't scared or lonely in this dream. Fantastic that I got a glimpse of the "vital" future, the green and lush and healthy.

I will be patient. He will guide me there.

Email responses

Thank you all, thank you all for your marathon of kindness.
Here are some of the emailed responses from this week. Thank you all...
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You have been in my thoughts and prayers and some of those prayers already have been answered. Amen ! How truly excellent that the infection has been healed and the path to your final chemotherapy (yeah...) is clear.  You certainly give  praise and thanks to the right source and your faith leads us forward.
Yes,more prayers tonight, knowing all is being guided  by the Lord.
Sleep well. And, mazel Tov on your final chemo!
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Keep up the great work.. and praise the Lord for your last Chemo!

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What a wonderful and powerful day you had.  I bet the bring it on attitude is your being grateful and relieved that this is the last one!

I will be praying for you tomorrow!  Congratulations!

Praise God, He is Awesome.

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Hello Sara:  Well it sounds like it IS ALL WORKING for the good   YEAH YEAH YEAH

I believe you are spot on when you used the analogy of picking up your boys day after day for the subject of doubt.........I also know that is precisely why the Bible contains doubting Thomas....God knows we are are mere humans and therefore He placed Thomas in the Bible so that we can learn from his many doubting times and also MORE IMPORTANTLY by God accepting Thomas and his "doubting ways" we know God accepts us.......and accepts us with all the frailties we may possess.

You are a strong believer and I know God is working in you and through you for a reason......a reason we may not all fully comprehend until we meet face to face but nonetheless He loves you and is there for you as no one else can be in this world, even sadly our families and loved ones.

With His peace and the power of healing and prayer, may this treatment be the best yet and may your body recover with a resounding yes to all that it has taken in and may every last bloody bad cell be gone and be gone for good.

I send lots of love and good thoughts again as you enter your last treatment.  I know you will heal even better this time because you will have the added benefit of having S close at your side to help you through whatever issue may come up in the next few days.

Give yourself a huge hug from me and I hope you feel the positive karma coming your way.

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We will all be right beside you tomorrow as the last of any cancer cells are zapped!

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Your email was such an encouragement! Thanks!! I'll be praying for your day tomorrow.
I'm back in Vail. We might get the first snow tonight. Not sure if I'm ready for winter!

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Best of luck tomorrow, Sara! I will offer up my daily mass for you and your seven intentions mentioned above. Just do what you have to do tomorrow ... like you said, "Bring it on!" Write soon and tell us how you are!!! 

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I can't tell you the late nights I have sat up and read your emails and been so inspired and moved by your faithfulness and strength. S and I are praying for you all the time. I am sorry that I just don't have time to bring you meals or help you out in some other way. But S and I both know the power of prayer as we have seen it in our own lives. And we are witnessing it in yours. There is no greater friend than a praying friend. We look forward to hearing more good news soon. Our thoughts and prayers are always with you,

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 I can tell the steroids are working!  Your enthusiasm is boundless!!!  And I love it!!!  During your appointment I will be hiking the hills behind my condo.  It is so beautiful there.  The fall colors are peaking.  I will dedicate every step for your well being!  As it is not an easy hike, we can enjoy what joy  difficulty, can bring!!  Sorry I know what you are doing is much more intense, but I'm in a metaphor mood!!  I love you very much Sara and  only hope for your recovery is sooner than later!  Hugs and kisses to you.

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Another cliche: Life is a journey.  But it is!   Your reflection and focus is wonderful.

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I'm all over that prayer list just like those "angry birds" for you, Sara!

Praise Him for his patience with us and for His many, many blessings!

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Thanks for the update...I love that u have the "bring it on" attitude! Perfect!! Yep, bring it on and then turn the page on that too long chapter! Yeah, it over! Done!! Finished!!! Hooray!!!! Better chapter ahead!  Praise the Lord!

I'm very proud of you for how incredibly well you have handled this crazy "adventure"... you are truly amazing!! (of course I've always know that!)

Please know I have been praying for you and I will continue to do so. I know in my heart that you are surrounded in God's love and strength and he will guide you through #6 with much success!

I will be dropping off dinner on Monday, so perhaps I'll see you then if you are up.

I am up at the house this week doing one last bit of new landscape planting before I stop till the spring.

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Thanks for sharing your heart with all of us.  My house is quiet just now so I can pray for you with all my heart soul & spirit.  I know that this chemo will work powerfully on your body.  So glad that you are being nourished at Summit.  As my heater warms up the house this morning(it's 46 outside) I will picture the chemo heating & obliterating the cancer cells in you!

May today be filled with untold blessings.

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We are with you today in prayer an thought. You are a inspiration to me. God will provide all of your needs today!

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I am thinking of you today as I always do every day. Today I know that you are so much closer to crossing home plate than ever before! I will pray that the chemo goes smoothly for you. And with your positive attitude and smile all will be well. B, M and I send much love and hugs from afar,

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Good day to you gorgeous. I am so thrilled you are nearing the end of part of this journey. You are and will always be a part of my prayers. I am glad you are feeling better these days and I will be thinking of you as you zap the rest of those little boogers...

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I ready your email and wanted to say thank you for sharing.  The way you stay so positive really puts a different perspective on life and makes me appreciate what I have a lot more every day. I will pray for you and the specific prayers that you requested.  I know you have a wonderful support group around you but I wanted to throw my 2 cents in there for what it is worth.  Thank you very much for all the opportunities you have provided for me and I look forward to seeing you in the office in the near future! 
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I have to say that lunch today meant so much to me. First prayer and then seeing X, both made it very special. X planted a seed in me a very long time ago when I was busy working my way to Heaven.  I wrote her a letter in 1998 when my veil was lifted and I was blessed with a personal relationship with Our Savior.  It's nice knowing our friendships will last through eternity. 
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Job 22:21

Acquaint now thy self with him and be at peace,thereby good shall come to thee.

Praying for you.

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God bless you my friend   You are through Your are through You are through with chemo  AMEN

Actually writing that reminded me of that other famous saying, free at last free at last thank God I am free at last........and guess what ..........you are free of cancer so that one works too.

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Now to be able to put all of this behind you and start living like a "normal" person!!!!! I am so happy for you!!!!

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so glad for you that your 6 Chemos are history ... no place to go now but up ... been through the valley and only peaks in the future .........

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So glad chemo is over for you.  Hope the radiation is so easy! It can be nothing but just showing up each day and I pray that is all it is for you!

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Chemo #6 is history - Mountains and Valleys

The plan from the beginning was six Chemos, and we did it.
We all did it.
WE DID IT!

Mountains and Valleys.
We walked the path of chemos.

Guide me in paths of righteousness, for Your Name's sake. Psalm 23  

Sometimes out of breath, sometimes with tears in our eyes, sometimes head tossed back to belly laugh. Sometimes alone, sometimes hand in hand, sometimes as a group.

Sometimes forgetting, sometimes tripping up, sometimes reaching to pick up.
Sometimes giggles, sometimes ethereal moments of heart connection.
Sometimes sadness, sometimes joy.

Questions, doubts, certainty, clarity, trust.

Sometimes eyes looking up, sometimes eyes cast down, sometimes eyes looking at each other.
Sometimes napping, sometimes sitting and wondering.
Sometimes wandering.

Then being still, and knowing.

Our kitchen sink area - gifts from friends, kids, family, and travels.

Three weeks from yesterday, I will start radiation. Need to make that appointment today. That's the directive from Dr.M and I will follow it.

So how did yesterday go, you might ask? It was a day of mountains and valleys. All in one day.

As before, I have a list of at least a dozen tasks to get done Monday and Tuesday. Got them done, phew!

Funny one with Dad, he said his television wasn't working correctly. He has a new big screen television with a controller that is so complicated, how can you help pushing incorrect buttons and reprogramming it? Well, he had it on truncated screen (so the scores of football games were hidden on the bottom) and I could fix that pretty easily by changing the VIEW setting. He had also hidden by mistake all the channels except two Spanish language ones, QVC shopping, and PBS. So he had only four of his seventy five channels available and those weren't the four he wanted. He watches the weather channel and ESPN mostly. Anyway, I now know how to program his television, and I know to check it often. We got him this new television when he said he couldn't hear the old one. The volume was broken, he just thought it was his hearing fading. He is not a complainer....

Anyway, got to my fun lunch at 11:30 with a group of women who have been God's hands on earth for me. They have been friends of mine for fifteen to thirty three years. Texts and emails and meals and visits and flowers and books and mall walks and store trips for needed undergarment items and sitting with me when I am napping and soup and cookies and pashminas and hospital visits and ice cream drop offs and taking me for appointments and socializing with Mike and I when we weren't overly social but needed companionship, and prayers. Prayers. Prayers.

I also have a pair of dear friends who have met me for lunch the day before chemo each time. Aren't routines comforting? This was the very definition of comforting. Surrounded by women who I have known a long time, one since college (and that's a LONG TIME!)  And with whom I have marched through so many life issues with. Don't you love it?

So, from that mountain, I passed into a blah valley. This is a person that I had an uncomfortable conversation with a few months ago. Anyway, I think I acted polite yesterday, but inside I was saying to myself, I want this conversation to stop! I have places to go, like CHEMO! I was resenting listening. Since I knew the last conversation we had was a bit dicey, I was extra nice and tried to focus. I knew at the time that God intended for this conversation to happen. In fact, I told Him that right there, while they were talking, that I don't understand it, but I will listen. I was trying to politely pull away. So yes, finally I did the "Gotta Go" probably too loudly. And I was running late, got home late, had to do my last two tasks too quickly, forgot my head phones.

Mike. Business has its mountains and valleys. Daily. He had a valley yesterday morning too. He had a mountain Monday. What a life, who needs soap operas! He couldn't have been more gentle with me, but being married thirty two years, I could tell. Marriage, you can tell. You share the mountains and valleys.

Well, then comes a mountaintop.  We had the best visit with Dr. M ever. Can you believe it? My blood work was acceptable. White counts slightly low, only slightly. Red blood cells normal.  No fever, no tingling in the nerves of feet and hands, no infection at incision area. So Chemo #6 was on.

We talked about radiation. He explained that Chemo gets to all the cancer cells that might have spread through the blood to your body. Since I have five incisions, those scars and removal of some blood vessels during surgery prevent the chemo from acting thoroughly on the area immediately around the tumor. So radiation zaps any cancer cells that might have spread adjacently. This makes complete sense. He wants me to start in exactly three weeks, so I will. We talked about the kind of radiation - IMRT vs GATE. He said they were the optimal machines, and were equal, just by different manufacturers. (note, he was not quite right, read description in later post about radiology oncologist.) Both are available in Orlando, aren't we lucky? And we laughed at the end of the appointment. Great appointment.

They were running late, so I could process why I was so peeved over the valley of the conversation above. Normally, I think it wouldn't have bothered me at all. Or only slightly. But hey, I had things on  my mind and my soul. Trying to stay in the light and positive in all things while in Chemo mode. To do this, I started reading a document of verses on healing I have taken to each chemo, and that was good but my soul wasn't restored. So I borrowed the nurses' headphones, and listened to the last nine minutes of a sermon I had downloaded on my IPAD and hadn't finished.  Now, you know what I am going to say. This last nine minutes was exactly my predicament, just change the names and location.

In general, you need grace in any relationship. With some people, you need more grace than others when interacting with them. I think you have experienced this and know just who those folks are. But every interaction we have is an excellent opportunity to share a glimpse of God's kingdom. Sometimes we need a little extra grace to be able to do that. We don't do this on our own. We don't do any of this on our own.  I blew the opportunity to take the highest road and be uplifting. I was polite, but I know I was trying to slide away.

So I learned, from the sermon, you include people into God's kingdom by practicing grace. I don't do it because I want God to love me more. I do it because He loves me unconditionally and that loves pours out into me and flows through me to others.  And others means everyone.  Absolutely everyone. This is what I want.  I failed in those fifteen minutes yesterday. BAM.  When I had the opportunity I fell flat on my face.

I want to live transparently, and it makes me restless when I am not. That is a good thing, to be restless and unsettled when you know you have something God wants to tell you about yourself. God has forgiven me (I asked Him) for not being His hands and heart for them.

Isn't it the best thing that God lets you feel unsettled when you have something inside you need to work out? I always want to be this sensitive, so any anxiety or any diversion from the path God has set for me gets pointed out and dealt with and corrected right away. Do not let it linger.  Do not let it interfere with the freedom of living every moment in God's presence and light. Not ONE MOMENT in the darkness. How cool is that?

Psalm 139:
Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts.
See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.

So then I could move on, focus on the chemo. And I did. Put on my meditation music (Ken Davis and Steven Halpern), and took up my five pages of written guided meditation especially for chemo treatments. It was wonderful. I didn't fall asleep.  I read one paragraph, then closed my eyes and pictured the healing, then another paragraph, etc.. This time it was a strong hand pinching cancer cells, smushing them to smithereens. And then clean, clear water being wiped with the same strong hand over my organs, keeping them cool and refreshed and not letting the chemo linger and damage them. Keeping the healthy cells healthy. And anything that was not a healthy cell, it would pinch and smush.

Then I had a surprising image, which was good. Fuzzy honey bees showed up, and they were buzzing around my body, inside, and would pinpoint sting a cell that was damaged by the chemo, not hurting the healthy cells right next to it. I am really scared of bees, but wasn't scared of these. I do know that bees are focused on being accurate, and they don't give up easily. I liked that about these. They were my killer T cells following after the chemo, finishing up the job on any cancer cells

After chemo, back home for a little dinner. The dinner volunteer must have forgotten, but you know God provides and Mike and I threw together pasta and sauce and chicken from the freezer. It always works out.

Mike and I talked about the future. A milestone was passed for me; and maybe also for Mike. In that  moment you can talk about the future, honestly and with vision. We hadn't been doing that much as we were both in survival mode. Future, let's figure out how to survive this week, this day! Mike still has responsibility for his mother's estate and his father with Alzheimer's in Idaho, and his developing projects. And for me. Quite a year for him.

A day of mountains and valleys, which is a beautiful view when you look back on it.

I know God is stirring us up, and is in total control. I like that.

I know radiation isn't a cakewalk, but what a joy to know that another HUGE chapter is closed.

Thank you for your steadfastness, your loyalty, your prayers.

Now on to the next chapter...

PS If you wonder what the photo of all the trinkets is, that is my kitchen sink with wonderful gifts from friends and family.. inspiring me. 

Chemo # 6 - Bring it on!

Hey there TEAM SARA!

Tomorrow is the LAST CHEMO.

Tuesday at 1:30 ... I am ready and waiting!

I have a "Bring it on" attitude today. Have never had this before a Chemo. Have had it since I woke up. I am ready to zap these little guys. My body is ready to be healthy now and after Chemo. I am so ready to do this!

Today I have taken the dexamethasone steroid (as usual) and therefore I am hyperactive. You get a lot accomplished today.

I am bursting to tell you all what happened today.

I woke up and saw that the incisions area is still swollen and red. Not pink but bordering on red. Oh phooey, but I am still positive that healing is happening.

I  had coffee with Corey, texted with Tray and Mack, walked in the Millenia Mall with D and S, had fantastic Chinese Chicken Chopped Salad for lunch, all is well and the same as the past 5 chemos..

Went to acupuncture. After chatting I got onto the acupuncture table and OH MY GOODNESS the whole area is barely barely barely pink and you would never ever call it swollen to look at. OH MY GOSH and GOLLY. It is cool to the touch, and there is no stinging or burning feeling, which has been there for a few days. I can't see any red. I have been on strong antibiotics for twelve days. It was red and swollen this morning. AH!

My first words were to God, "Thank you Thank you Thank you. Oh, Oh Oh (which means speechless.)  I am so amazed. This is unbelievable! My infection is gone, the lymph is draining. Prayer really does work!"

Then I sit there and sigh, why are we so surprised when prayer works. Is this really the best response to a answered prayer I could have?   Isn't God patient with us that over and over again He whispers to us that He loves us, because we can never hear it enough. Never.

How frustrated I would be with one of my kids if I told them something such as, "Yes I will pick you up from school at 3 PM" and I do pick them up that day, and the next, and the next. And each time they get in the car, they say to me, "Mom, Thank you! I am so amazed you did what you said you would do!"

Doubt.

I asked, Can I trust God one hundred percent with my life and obviously have a kernel of doubt? Just a smidgen. I have asked God to reduce my doubt, chisel away at it. And He has and is. But this real life test showed me there is still some lingering.

I am okay with that. My trust in God is far greater than my doubting. Doubt just means you have some fear sticking around, and since God is patient, I am patient. He and I together are working on cleaning out all the fear and doubt. Yes, the cliche, I am a work in progress. He's not done with me yet!

This very concept was talked about Wednesday night, Mike and I went to our new church's class on becoming a partner.  One question was, "What is faith and can you have faith but still have some doubt?"

Being the couch-potato-watching-Jeopardy type of person, I wanted to jump up and say, Let me cover this one preacher! And the question is, What is Hebrews 11:1? Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.
But no, the pastor paused, read 1 Cor 13
Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

He was so spot on. So very very correct. He understand what was being asked. We don't just see everything crystal clear. God allows us to see some things that clearly, and what a gift. Some things we are simply in the process of seeing clearly. Be gentle on myself Sara, you don't have to have it all perfect NOW.  Jesus is patient.

The thought of doubt was also on the mediation tape by Colleen Arnold. It was the story of Peter (the disciple with enthusiasm and energy and the very best of intentions) on a boat, well, read it below from Matthew 14:

 During the fourth watch of the night Jesus went out to them, walking on the lake. When the disciples saw him walking on the lake, they were terrified. "It's a ghost," they said, and cried out in fear.
 But Jesus immediately said to them: "Take courage! It is I. Don't be afraid."
 "Lord, if it's you," Peter replied, "tell me to come to you on the water."
 "Come," he said.
   Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus. But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, "Lord, save me!"
 Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. "You of little faith," he said, "why did you doubt?" 

Jesus was looking at me, when I doubted, with compassion and forgiveness. Ever patient with me that my doubting will reduce. And my trust in Him grow. Ever patient.

During acupuncture, I visualized healing differently.  It wasn't a conscious change.

I saw one strong hand pinching and flicking (like the paper football game) and punching tiny bristly neon green bacteria cells and plump randomly shaped little red cancer cells with black nuclei. The remains of the cells (picture the feathers of crashed Angry Birds) were being washed out by clear water, pure and cool. I pictured little rivulets of my lymph system creating new pathways towards the thoracic vein and the small intestine. And I saw the hand become the hand of a potter on brown gray clay, smoothing and refreshing my heart from the inside, smoothing my digestive system, lungs, liver, kidneys, spleen, and then the hand patting gently and nurturing my spongy alive bone marrow.

Please, if I might ask you all to pray for me.
1. Thank God for the healing we've seen in the past six months, even today, and also will see soon.
2. That God inspire Dr. M and the nurses as they decide and carry out chemo tomorrow.
3. That the chemo drugs zap any lingering cancer cells anywhere, direct hits, I'm picturing "Angry Birds" mega red bird hits.
4. Thank God that the infection we have been fighting is healed and we are seeing evidence.
5. That the rest of my body stay and rebuild strong and healthy.
6. That glory be reflected to God throughout this week.
7. That my family and friends be blessed as you are so loya.

CHEMO.... BRING IT ON

THANK YOU for your prayers... each of you are awesome

Smell the roses

How did I let my life get so busy?

How do we all as American society let our days be so busy?

We are proud of being busy, it means we are engaged, right there in the river of activity, wanted by many, needed for progress...

But was I TOO busy?

Be still and Know that I am God... Psalm 46

Only in returning to me and resting in me will you be saved.

In quietness and confidence is your strength... Isaiah 30

It's a balance.  It's seasons.

Be busy and bustling and have fun and work on accomplishing goals. Yes, please. Enjoy your day. We are created to make a difference not just take up space. We are created to reflect Glory back to God, and that means we need to be out there. And it is FUN being out there!

But also, be physically and mentally still and reflective so you can listen to your heart and to God's voice.

Mind, body, soul.

We are all three.

We educate the mind. We exercise the body. When do we invigorate our souls?

It's seasons. A little time every day for all three. Then some days more of one that the other two.

My devotional today talked about anxiety, two very practical ways to prevent it.

1. Do not let yourself spend time worrying about the future. If you do, your worries will sprout like mushrooms in the darkness of the unknown. Come back to the present. Come back to Jesus' presence.

2. Whenever you do think about the future, picture Jesus there with you. He will be.

I add a third one.

3. Spend time tending to your soul each day.

I think sometimes I am busy busy busy, so I don't have to stop and listen to my own voice. I am either running away from an issue or trying to prove something.

As a scientist, how much more efficient my days are when I have taken time to ask God to be my guide, and also when I keep in touch with Him all day long.

Slow down and smell the roses.

Boy, the older I get, the more truth I see in cliches.

Back porch football

Just a perfect day in Winter Park. Gentle breeze, no clouds in the blue sky. Balmy temperature.  Had lovely lunch with Dad, he was in a really good mood.

I have dinner prepared, made Colman chocolate cookies by a recipe from Sun Valley restaurant I adore.

Meditated to a CD recording of Jesus at the well with the Samaritan woman. I have bought several guided meditation CDs. Two by Bernie Siegel specifically on healing. This one today was by a woman, who follows St. Ignatius meditation where she walks you through a New Testament story as if you were there. So relaxing. Helps me see passages like I never have.  This one, Jesus looks at you and forgives you. Looks at you with love, not judgment.

I want to meditate or do Centering Prayer daily. Can I commit to that, or would it be better to say twice a week and really keep that up? In my intense healing phase, daily is easy.  But what about for the long haul. That's more difficult.

Mike and I are sitting on the back porch watching football. Well, he is talking on the phone with his sister. It is a year ago today their mother died. Passages in life.  She gave life to my husband, what a gift to me. Thank you Helen.

We watched TV outside when I was growing up. Our house in Easton had a second floor porch, large with a roof over it, you were a squirrel in the trees. Dad would haul out one of the televisions from inside on a glorious fall Saturday afternoon, we would sit on the sofa on the porch and watch football. In the summer we watched the US Open, Wimbledon, golf tournaments. Only got three channels, black and white, used rabbit ear antenna back then. Those Saturday and Sunday afternoons are crystal clear joyful memories.

Now we have a weatherproof television, and since this is Florida we have to wait until it is cool enough to sit on the porch. Today was glorious. Why does it feel so much better to be outside than inside?

Okay.

You know the feeling:  you want something to hurry up and happen, but then you want to stretch the days because you don't want to go through it?

Anticipation.

That's me right now. I want Tuesday to be now, so the chemo drugs can get into me and zap these dangling cancer cells. But then I want to relax and enjoy days as I am not looking forward to feeling crappy or the potential of hurting my body.

But you only feel bad for a few days.

And the benefits of healing are long term.

And the healthy cells in my body recover well.

And this is the last one. Yes sir, the last one.

I can look forward to that.

I am grateful for the extra week before this last chemo. I still have achy joints, but they are better. My nerves in the feet are calm. The port stings, and the swelling/ infection in the left breast is still there.  Getting no better, but no worse.  Keep praying.

So I get organized, get all set up for a positive experience.

People are signed up for dinners, and to have lunch with me beforehand.

You all pray, I know.

I am breathless at how dedicated and loyal friends are. This is a long process.

God certainly works through you angels on earth.

THANK YOU.

Okay, bring it on.

I can do this.

I WANT to do this.

Let's get this last chemo done, zap whatever might need zapping, finish off this course, and continue the healing.

Continue the healing...

Faith is the substance of things hoped for

There it is, Faith is the substance of things hoped for (Heb 11.) My all time number one favorite verse.

I believe there is a sun even when it is night time (someone said something like that, I can't remember who).

So how much more, with 53 years of God working in my life, do I believe in God when at this one moment in time I can't see the answer to a prayer.

I know that answer is coming.
I know it.
I just have to be still and wait...

Am I where I want to be?

Ten years ago, where did you want to be today?
Are you there?

Ten years ago,  I did not want to be sitting on this sofa with a scarf on my hairless head, mindfully meditating on my body healing from an infection as well as from cancer.

I can also honestly say that, right now, this is exactly where I do want to be. I was stopped in my tracks, shaken up and stirred. I was made to be still. My eyes were turned upward towards God and inward towards my soul. I am learning how much God loves me. And wants to be with me. All day long.

From Isaiah 30:
Only in returning to me and resting in me will you be saved.
   In quietness and confidence is your strength.

Where ever you are right now, regardless of whether this was your plan, know that God will use this time for good. For you, for others, who knows. God knows...

This gives me encouragement, that God is in control. And that the end of the story is a good one.

Remember the story of Joseph in Genesis, such a fantastic story. What does Joseph say to his brothers when they find out he is a ruler in Egypt and they were so sorry for having sold him into slavery?

He says, You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives.

It took Joseph a long time to get to the point where he saw his sufferings as turning out to have meaning. And certainly not all we call bumps in the road are anything near what he endured.

I know God will use this time in my life for good.
For me, I have already seen good things.
Good for others, He will show me what He wants me to do.


Something I wrote last week, wrote in the back of the book Love Medicine and Miracles:

I want to live.
I want to grow old. I want to hug my grandkids. 

I have a voice.
I say, no this isn't too hard.

I don't want to be afraid anymore that I am doing this wrong. 

I can learn to take care of me.
I can find my joy. 
I can choose what to do.
I can fail, I'll just get up and try again. 


I can tell God all my complaints, He wants to hear them. 
He replaces them with His words. 
He sings a song to my heart.


I lift my eyes to the Lord. 
Thank you.
He is healing me. 

Email responses

Sunday morning, the lake is still, looks like a mirror. I hear the train whistle barreling through downtown Winter Park.  I can picture crowds of interested viewers meandering through Central Park's Autumn Art Festival, remarking on the gorgeous weather. I'm outside on the porch, sitting on a sofa with my basset hound next to me. She is in her "I could never make it in the wild" sleeping position, on her back with pink underside exposed.

Wednesday and Thursday exhausted me. Making thoughtful, emotional decisions is exhausting. I am taking it easy this weekend. My body needs rest, but my mind needs entertainment and intrigue. The 45-17 Florida State - Miami game last night gave neither.  The commentators started talking about whether Jimmy Johnson is an excellent NASCAR driver, or is it his team and car that are superior. Oh boy.  Then there's Angry Birds on the IPAD, a pretty mindless game where birds plummet into green pigs, which I have played so much my right hand is tired today. I need to find a good book to carry me away.

This morning's devotional was spot on. Paraphrased it was - Do not complain, as that leads to self-pity and rage. Instead bring ALL your cares to God. He will put His words in your mind and His song in your heart. I like that.

Reminds me of the verse from Philippians Mike e-mailed me early on in this adventure - Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

I am no better or worse than anyone at doing this.  You could do this. You could heal. God is waiting for each of us to turn our faces towards Him. Don't wait to get cancer to do it, look to Him now.

You also could write this blog. Reading your e-mails, you all have thoughts in your hearts I want to hear. That others would like to hear. So many of you have mentioned how neat a blog is. Try it!

I read Wendy Choiji's article (Orlando TV anchor who beat breast cancer eight years ago) this morning in the Orlando Sentinel, and I think,  Can I do this healing as well as she did? She did it so well, with such strength and energy!

I hope I can do this. Hope. And what is faith? It is being certain of what you hope for. Lord, strengthen my faith that I am certain of healing every minute.  Remind me that I can only do this while looking to You.

Here follows the e-mails from you all.... which keep me going....  This is a long process and your dots and dashes of kindnesses are so beautiful. Thank you.

======================

This first email to me needs a note of explanation. The photo of the baseball field was from Sanford's Breast Cancer Awareness game this summer (the Sanford River Rats are one of the college summer teams of Florida League, which I have been involved with for 7 years and which was run great this summer without me involved much at all.) I couldn't go to any of them this summer, the timing always landed on a day I felt yechy. But here's what the fantastic stadium crew did on the field. The entrance sign to the stadium sign said, Team Sara!

  

 Hope you are enjoying a good day and the beautiful weather-
Thought I’d send over a couple of pictures. 
One from the season, (not sure if you had a chance to see)
and one new picture of our stadium sign.

===========================

Praying hard, just listen, God will tell you.   It's all about trust isn't it.

===============  

 God has guided you every step of the way so I know you  will know exactly what He wants you to do tomorrow...just listen to His "still small voice"

==========

You will indeed be covered  in prayer. Tomorrow is yet another chapter in your  book of healing.  These are situations  when you  think, pray, rethink , ask questions, take surveys, phone a friend  etc and (I know I sometimes feel)  it would be easier if He could just give you the answer in something understated like skywriting :-).  Alas,  His guidance will be  subtle yet affirming for what you will need.  I realize the subtle yet affirming is akin to "jumbo shrimp" but you understand!   I hope you rest well tonight knowing that Team Sara is standing with you.

From FL Hospital's wall in Cancer Wing

==============

 I am confident that you & Dr. M have made the right choice regarding your chemo, and am praying now for you to have peace about that decision. 

=============

May the wisdom that surpasses all understanding be present with both you and your doctor tomorrow.  I will be thinking of you and knowing that you and Dr. M will make the correct decision.  God Bless.....

===================

God has held you in the palm of His hand, thus far, and will never let you down. I am certain you will continue down the right path. 

=============

Sending you our prayers and love. God and all of your loved ones are with you now and tomorrow. You will be right where you're supposed to be- trust in that.

==========

My thoughts and prayers are with you. There's no doubt in my mind you will win this battle.
==============

Peace, Girl, Peace ... : )
============

God speed.  I know you will get guidance and choose the right path.  I'm praying for you.
=================
 

I’m praying, praying, praying!!!!

Proverbs 3:5-6
Trust in the Lord with all your heart;
do not depend on your own understanding.
Seek his will in all you do,
and he will show you which path to take.

It sounds like you have a wonderful counselor in Dr. M.  I’m praying for him, too!

Proverbs 15:22
Plans fail for lack of counsel, but with many advisers they succeed.

=================

Just as you have been doing , pray,listen ( to God, your body and spirit,and, oh yes, Dr. M,) and trust. 

============

As you go into #6, my thoughts and prayers continue.  Even though you have had a few more problems with #5, you have tackled them.
I am sure # 6 will see the same steadfast success. And it will be your last chemo!!!  Yeah! I had problems with #2 and #3, but the last one seemed to go more smoothly.  Of course there was more exhaustion, but the treatment and problems of the past seemed easier for some reason.  Knowing that it was going to be over after that, may have given me more resolve and peace.  I hope that happens to you. 

Wrap yourself in all the prayers, hugs and love your family and friends are sending your way.
===================

Disturb Us, O Lord
when we are too well pleased with ourselves
when our dreams have come true because we have dreamed too little
when we arrived safely because we sailed too close to the shore

Disturb Us, O Lord
when with the abundance of things we possess
we have lost our thirst for the Waters of Life;
having fallen in love with life, we have ceased to dream of eternity.
And in our efforts to build a new earth,
we have allowed our vision of the new heaven to dim. 

Disturb Us, O Lord - to dare more boldly
to venture on wider seas where storms will show your mastery
where losing sight of land, we shall find the stars.
We ask you push back the horizon of our hopes,
and to push us into the future with strength, courage, hope and love."

==============

Thinking of you today as you come to grips with Chemo # 6.  The above prayer, a version of the original attributed to Sir Francis Drake (at least according to the internet!), is offered by Father J. every Sunday.  I love it!  Cancer has disturbed you, and it has disturbed all of your family and friends who love you!  Deeply and profoundly disturbed us!!!!   I love the analogies we can make from an explorer’s prayer to our own, landlocked lives.  You are one of the lucky ones who have ventured on wider seas where storms are revealing to you God’s mastery.  We, your friends, can only hope that we can share your adventure…..lose sight of land and find the stars and watch God push back the horizon of our hopes and push us forward with strength, courage, hope and love!!   Isn’t it a great prayer!!!

Keep the faith in the Lord’s mastery!

===========================

Yes, definite is good! One more chemo to rid your body of those little bastard guys! Give 'em hell!

============================

This is just amazing. I know it isn't the answer you wanted or expected to hear, but I am so glad the doctor was so sure about his decision and you have a definite direction.

I thought I would share a story that might encourage you. This is a little bit lengthy, but bare with me, it will make sense in the end!

As you know, I had two shoulder surgeries when I was playing baseball. When I came out of surgery #1, the doctor told me it was one of the largest labrum tears they had seen or heard of, but they still expected me to make a full recovery. I had to go to a rehab clinic 3-4 times a week for months. Eight months into rehab after my first surgery, my throwing was not progressing the way it was supposed to. Rehab was supposed to take anywhere between 8-12 months, but I couldn't throw 30 ft. without pain. I suspected this was because the initial tear was so bad, and that the rehab would just take a little longer. The doctor wanted me to have another Arthogram and MRI to make sure everything was ok.

When I went back for the follow up appointment after the MRI, I was told I needed a second surgery, the initial surgery didn't completely stay in tact. I was devastated. I felt like all of the rehab to which I already dedicated so much of my time accomplished nothing, and now I had to go through it again.

I chose to see a new doctor for surgery #2. He was very well known for his work on shoulders. After the surgery, Dr. #2 told me that if Dr. #1 did everything he said that he did in the surgery notes, he had done all that he could. I had a very bad tear. Dr. #2 performed a different technique and also discovered that sometime between surgeries 1 and 2, part of the cartilage in the front of my shoulder got rubbed away. They didn't know how this would effect me throwing because it was not common.

I want to share with you what the doctor told me after surgery #2 because I remember his words as clear as day and I later used it as motivation. He told me "We fixed your labrum, but we don't know how you will recover because of the complication with your cartilage. I'm not sure if you will ever be able to throw again, but I want you to rehab like you normally would for this surgery and we will re-evaluate later." They told me to expect a much longer rehab (12-18 months this time) because that was typical after a 2nd labrum surgery.

I was determined to make it back to the field to prove to the doctor that it could be done. After 21 months of rehab from surgery #2, I played my first game on the field again.

While shoulder surgery is nothing like the fight you are fighting, I wanted to share this story with you because I imagine that on Wednesday morning, you felt a little bit like I did when I found out I had to have surgery #2. You have endured all of this pain until now, and in your mind you were ready to move on to the next thing (radiation), just to find out you have to go through it again. When I got the news, initially, I was furious. I asked God why this had to happen. At this point I realized that it was all in His hands and during the course of those months of rehab after surgery 2 I grew much closer to Him. Philipians 4:13, which says “I can do all things through Him who strengthens me”, took on an entirely new meaning to me.

I later realized that whatever the outcome was of all this surgery, ultimately I grew much closer to God and that was something that would last forever Whether I made it back to baseball or not didn’t matter, it was God’s plan to take Baseball away to draw me closer to Him.

I was blessed to get the best of both worlds, I grew closer to God and He gave me baseball again. I pray the same will be true for you and that life goes back to normal after the last chemo and radiation.

Keep up the fight! 

==============

Isn't it the best when a Dr. can tell you exactly the what needs to be done?!!  Halaluya!!  I hope you are doing well and are content in knowing what needs to be done!   In my heart I feel you will recover! 

=================

Your doctor made the decision for you. He was an instrument of God. Dr. M has the skill, knowledge, and historical background with all types of cancer that you have to believe you are in the best of hands. Onward you go to the last chemo. You are right... look out cancer cells... this final round will terminate your existence in Sara's body. GOOD riddance!!!! Always praying for you, ALWAYS thinking about you and I love to hear your name announced every Tuesday at the Healing Service. So many people you don't even know are praying for your recovery. God is at your side, every step of the way. You have felt His presence all along and those of us who have been able to follow your path believe more than ever in the power of prayer. Stay peaceful, sweet lady. Allow your family to continue loving you and caring for you. May God continue to give you peace, courage and strength! All my love and smiles heading to you, 

==========================

Bless you Sara we are with you all the way

==========================

Oh, Sara isn't it amazing when you can actually see the hand of God guiding you! And think of it this way - you need 6 chemo treatments and you are done with 5.  You are 83.33% through. Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.

==============

Thanks for your update.  We are happy to know you have direction and certainty, but also praying for your peace in the midst of this long road.  I understand and was tracking with your logically divided path, where chemotherapy was likely done and Part 2 ready to begin. I am sorry there is another Chemo for you, but so grateful for clarity.  I'm sure so much is nebulous and judgment calls and weighing options and pros and cons, so this is welcome in its black and whiteness.

You continue to inspire us in your faithfulness to our Lord, and your assurance that He and only He can give understanding and peace and direction.  Go get 'em! 

===========

I am so thankful you have the peace to take the next step. I pray each day that God will wrap his loving arms around you and I know he is doing that. 

====================

   Please do not worry about this 6th treatment.  First of all  not everyone's case is the same however,  I had a very aggressive cancer and it had spread to my lymph nodes and my tumor was 4 centimeters.  I had 9 chemo treatments and 6 weeks of radiation and that was 16 years ago.  I have some neuropathy in my feet but nothing I can't live with.  You will survive this and be fine.  I'm glad Dr. M. was so definite about this.  Give this up to the Lord and he will take care of you.

================

I'm with you in saying GOOD-BYE to those little buggers!! Love you!!
 ======================

 Sara, I am glad our prayers were so clearly answered! Get psyched up for round #6. I know that is tough to do, but you have done it before, and you can do it again. I dreaded my third brain surgery but kept telling myself, that I survived the previous ones and I can do it again. "Attitude is Everything." You know what to expect, and that can work against you sometimes, but you are going to have so many of us praying for you and caring for you. You are surrounded by love. Can you feel it? I hope so! Keep all of us posted. You stay in my daily prayers!!!

================

I'm praying for you! You are a very positive person with a very supportive family. I believe you handle Chemo #6 with ease! With a positive outlook and a family behind you, you beat this terrible disease! 

==================

And we will continue with the prayers, my friend.

=======================

Sara, I am sure you have made the correct decision. Through the help of God's grace, you heard positive answers from your Dr. I will continue to keep you in my prayers while you speed your way to a total recovery!! God bless you!!

===========================

Definite is good! Hooray! The last one should be a piece of cake with what you have already endured!

 

 

Sometimes I just want to step into a church

Went to our church's Thursday night sermon dry run last night, because it was 6 PM and I asked God what I should do. Going to the sermon dry run came to mind. I had never done it,  I felt like being in a church.  I just wanted to be in an area with a bunch of Christians. I know God is everywhere, but doesn't he seem a little more present some places than others? Ocean beaches, mountains, churches. Maybe all the energy of the Holy Spirit in people make God more present in a church (note - there is NO theology I know of that backs up that statement.)

Anyway, sometimes I just want to step into a church.

At college I did that sometimes, go into the side chapel, sit quietly in a pew and talk to God. The chapel was right in the heart of campus, next to the library and the student union, on the path to the engineering quad. I can remember the swoosh of the immensely heavy wooden door opening, the cool and dry air, the absence of sound. I could picture all the students that had been praying there for hundreds of years.  It was gorgeous, a Gothic Cathedral. Sometimes there was organ music, sometimes a tour of the chapel.

In Texas, church was very near our home. I would stop in randomly. Churches were unlocked in the 1970's.

At Moffitt Cancer Center in Tampa, I would go into the chapel right after Mike was called in for each radiation treatment 17 years ago. He had lymphoma. I would sit down, and start to cry. Cry for a few minutes, then I was fine. No particular words. Just cry. Then I would get up, go get settled to wait out his two hour treatment reading a book. I would be fine. It was a nice enough chapel, with wood altar, stained glass. And it had several boxes of tissues on the seats, so I knew others had been there doing the same thing.

So yesterday I had the feeling I needed to be in a church. You ask God what should you do at a given moment, and He tells you - go to church. Hmmm. We joined a new church (it meets in an ex-movie theater, the seats are very comfortable) but this was since my cancer diagnosis so I haven't been to many services since chemo - avoiding germs.  I had been thinking their Thursday dry run sermon would be few people, low germ probability. It's not a service really. I walk into the church, twenty people there. I sit down.  Happy to be there. Feel comfortable. Smiling. After a few minutes the pastor asks us to bow our heads to pray, I do, and I start to cry. HA! GOT ME! The permission I needed.   Safety.  I don't want to do Chemo #6 I said.  Pause. But I will do anything to be healed.

I am doing Chemo #6 with full commitment.

And, better news follows, dear S can come down again and keep Mike, me and the house from coming unglued. So many have stepped up for this last couple chemos. It takes a community to heal, I have found. It takes a community to love and grow in Christ, I see this too.

I bet you all are getting tired of this. Yes, me too.

What was the sermon about, you might ask? God has prepared the most awesome table for a community dinner that you could ever imagine. He invites us all to join in. We are all invited to join in that community dinner right now. Right as we are. DO NOT WAIT UNTIL YOU ARE PERFECT. On your own, you will never be perfect. Accepting that we are forgiven by Christ, God asks we come now. It is not about us, it is about all of us.

AND a side note in the sermon -  if we care too much about how we appear to others (our image and all the surroundings) we cannot fully be caring about others, as fully as God wants us to love others. It's not about us.

The church is a community of people. God has been constant in His love and devotion to me throughout the past few days, and always. Our emotions go up and down and sideways. He is the same, yesterday, today and forever.

Mike came home from his business trip last night. It feels so much better just having him here.
Today is a beautiful day.