Lumpectomy

Surgery was Tuesday, three days ago. I have pretty much slept through the last three days. I don't remember much.  That's okay.  I remember the nausea after surgery, which passed by the next day, but was horrible.

I also remember the process of getting the dye injected into my breast before surgery, so the dye could travel to that infamous Sentinel Node. It was uncomfortable lying on the cold table, in a cold room. They inject radioactive dye into the area of the tumor, so it will naturally travel to the closest node. The surgeon then takes that node out, they look at it to see if it has cancerous cells in it. Mine did. They didn't think it would, but it did. So they took out more lymph nodes.  About a baseball size of them, a good handful.

Surgeon Dr. R was fantastic. She came in to Mike and I first, talked over the surgery thoroughly in the pre-operation area at Florida Hospital Altamonte.  Mike sat next to me while waiting, exploring the IPAD.  J stopped in, welcomed break. He's got such a big heart. How wonderful love is.

I have drains safety pinned to my bra. Huge amounts of gauze are taped under my left arm and over my left breast. I don't want to look under them, at least not yet.  Don't want to move that area either.

Mack and Tray, the newlyweds, are here visiting. So good to have them here. Kindness and hope and future and light. And love.

Went out to lunch then got my hair cut and washed. GL had some advice....

Be thankful always

Be thankful I got cancer

Learn lessons

Let others do things for you

I am important

I can have it my way

Tell people what you need

Tell people what you want

Slow down

I have been in survival mode. I haven't been deep thinking much lately, and that is okay.  This morning I thought, God's got some things to change in me and I haven't been paying attention..... I don't want to miss the lessons. I want my character chiseled. God is very efficient. He didn't cause cancer, but He will use this for His glory.

I had been complaining... Why is life so hard..

Ha!

And when will it be time for Mike and I to rest...

Double ha ha...

Well be careful what you ask for, you might just get it!I have great friends, a loving family, all the things I could ever want. Why was I complaining?

I am a bit numb... I keep thinking this cancer is totally beatable, but
now it's in at least one node...wow! Yes they found it in at least one node, and we will hear more whenever. Am I wrong to not be scared? Should I take this more seriously? Should we change our lives?

I think its good to be a bit numb. God only lets you feel the emotions you should feel at any given time.

Ate at Cafe 118, raw organic vegan. Here's a photo of spaghetti and meatballs (raw zucchini tendrils, uncooked tomato sauce, meatballs of mushrooms and seeds dehydrated.) And those are basil, vegan mozzarella and tomato roll ups in the foreground. I liked it. You just feel so darned healthy when you are finished.
--

“Be still, and know that I am God”
Psalm 46:10

The Oncologist

The very next day Mike went with me to meet the oncologist, Dr. M. A very different personality that Dr. R. Office larger and more bureaucratic, his demeanor more clinical, not as personal. He often, in talking, would refer to M his assistant, as in, M will do this, or, You can tell M if that happens and she can call in a prescription for you. I guess M does a lot.

He also strongly suggested a lumpectomy, not mastectomy. Same survival rates, less surgery, keep the breast. But said it was up to me.

He said my tumor in the breast is so small (0.9 cm which is less than half an inch) that there is only a small small small chance it had spread outside the breast. But just in case, they would do a Sentinel Node Biopsy while I was under. I said I had heard that. He also was going to order an Oncotype DX of the tumor, to see if it is a high chance it would return. If so, they might do chemo before radiation, even if it hasn't spread. Fine with me, take out what you need, do all the tests you want. Just tell me how to knock these cancer cells out of me, and so far away they won't be able to find their way back.

He drew all this on a white board in the examination room. I found the visit to be an out of this world moment. Here I sit on the exam table, he never touched my breast, only looked at the biopsy report. Mike and he are in plastic side chairs, and we all are looking up at a small white board while he talks about Prognostic markers and Oncotype DX. I felt like I was back in college, learning about Quantum Physics. Certainly not in Orlando talking about some cells in my very own breast that had called a mutiny against their fellow breast cells, dividing too fast and furiously. They were right there in my breast as we spoke. As he spoke. Maybe it was good to keep it all clinical and in the realm of the abstract. There will be enough time in the coming months for these rebellious cells to create real life moments for me.

Called the surgeon to schedule the lumpectomy. Mike is out of town in two weeks for business so we will put it off until the third week. At first I was miffed. Why can't I have it sooner, right away, get this train out of the station and on it's way to Healing? Now I see, this gives me time to get ready. Time has much more importance to me these days.

I am definitely a bit numb. This all seems to be happening to someone else, a third party. Not me.

My thoughts on breast cancer?  I picture pink. Races to raise money for cancer. Pink ribbon symbol. And the implants. I don't know that much about breast cancer. Now I will. Never thought I would get it. Never.

The Surgeon

The whole cancer treatment world expects that you are totally at their beck and call. That you will see the doctor when they have an opening. Whenever that opening is. I can see their point.

Unfortunately Mike had meeting in Georgia scheduled the one day the surgeon had an opening in the coming two weeks, so I went without him. My dear friend L went with me. She is calm under chaos, intelligent and asks great questions. My advocate, because I knew I would remember little of the appointment.

I chose a surgeon who was highly recommended by my one friend who was an oncologist specializing in breast cancer and is now in academia. Just give me one recommendation for each, I asked her - surgeon, oncologist, radiologist. What more information could I possible gather than that from someone in the field who I trust?

The appointment was fantastic. Dr. R is a gift to anyone who needs her. First, her humble yet upbeat office is full of staff who are competent and compassionate. And she, well, she knows what she is doing, she listens, she solves problems, she is awesome. Should every doctor be this way.

Statistically, mastectomy gives same long term survival rates as lumpectomy with radiation, in my situation. She was clear on this. She would recommend lumpectomy, with no hesitation. We talked about the lumpectomy, sentinel node biopsy would be done at same time. If they found cancer in the sentinel node while I was still under, they would take out all the nodes on the left side.

Sounds good to me. L was great, kept going over the appointment discussion in the car with me driving home. Yes it was my decision to have a lumpectomy or mastectomy. If cutting off my breasts gave me a better chance long term of living, I would do it. But it doesn't, so why cut them off?

Mike came home that night, and I greeted him with  ... I'm keeping the girls!

Day 6 - Mothers Day

Cried in church this morning. Cried for my mother, I miss her. I haven't cried for her in five, eight years. Cried that I didn’t want to have cancer.

It was just like sitting in Moffitt Cancer Center’s chapel whenever I took Mike over there for radiation treatments seventeen years ago for lymphoma.  He was so strong and positive and just amazing to all of us around him,  so when I entered the chapel I felt I could be momentarily weak and let it all out. God was right there surrounding me, ready to comfort me. After a few minutes, I could gather myself up, and walk out strong. Not crying anymore, ready to take it on, being strong and positive and open to God and loving and comforting. But I needed my cup filled, and the minutes in the chapel did it.

So this morning, I sit down in church, they are singing a hymn. And out of nowhere, I cry. Whew, didn’t see that coming at all. For a few minutes, then peace descends… I think this is our new church.

It was a great mother’s day. Lunch with Mike and Corey at Paddy O’Murphy’s. Tray and Mack sent me flowers, tulips that are gorgeous. Tennis with Corey, and Mike joined for a bit. It was a blast. Then dinner here, I cooked a new asparagus recipe, served half as much meat as before.

I am drinking lemon and honey and taking Pepsin. Plus a handful of Super Food greens capsules and chlorophyll. Gotta try something. I stopped the Kapidex (gastric reflux) Tuesday, along with stopping estrogen. And yesterday I stopped coffee. Slight headache has now appeared. My esophagus is still raw, my voice hoarse by dinner. I have to turn this around.

I understand people wanting a double mastectomy. Then I won’t have any chance of breast cancer returning. That’s just the thought today, I need to get more information from the surgeon Wednesday.

In the waiting period of it all.

Mothers wait a lot.

Day 5 - Exhausted

Yesterday, Friday, was just an exhausting day. I wanted it to be that way, activity all day long. And even if I hadn’t wanted it to be that way, it would have been. We got a solid offer on the renovated apartment in San Francisco of Mike’s Dad’s. (Remember, Mike is his guardian and executor and I call it ‘ruler of all.’) I threw myself into separating the one huge apartments into two apartments in back in November, and they just finished the renovation. Now one has sold!

Of course, the offer had to be decided upon within hours and faxed back right away, rushing around getting e-mails printed, Mike to sign, talking to the realtor, and then, the counter offer, and the second counter offer. They called us, the fax machine only sent eleven and a half pages back. Yes ma'am, we received everything except the half page you signed. You can’t think up these things, they are too bizarre to be true.

This is the process of simplifying our lives, that’s the positive way to look at it according to Mike. Selling his dad’s home and one apartment in the space of five days.

Book lunch was at L’s yesterday. So when do you tell people? There were nine of us, do you blurt it out as each arrives, stay quiet until the end, when? And how do you say it, because it isn’t a one minute conversation with people you care about. I waited. We discussed Solar by Ian McEwan. One thought brought out was the phrase “Perception is reality”, and most of the people there believed that there isn’t absolute truth but truth or reality is what you perceive. I don’t think so. I had cancer the week before I felt the lump. Just because I didn’t perceive this tumor, doesn’t mean it didn’t exist. But they would argue, it didn’t exist to YOU. I’m definitely more of the scientific mind.

So at one point I told everyone, I have news and I don’t know how to say it so I will just say it. I have breast cancer, which is caught so early. Of our fourteen women in Booklunch, four now have had breast cancer. WOW! J, B, and B. They were very supportive, encouraging. B said that so much good will happen during the healing process that you will feel kindness and compassion you never thought you would receive from others. She said she saw her husband in a whole different light, as he was so loving through her recovery.

Then one person said she was going to a dinner Monday night called “Loose the booby”, of a friend of hers who has Stage 0 of the cancer I have, and she is having a mastectomy because she just doesn’t want to worry about it ever again. Wow. It was wonderful to talk about success stories.

Then I went into the baseball office, gathered everyone around the conference table and told them the news. They are all so young, age thirty and under, that they have no idea how to react. They were so kind. I want to inspire them to care for other people. Savor every day. Don’t waste time stalled. And it isn’t the words you say, it is the caring attitude you have. They asked, What can WE do to help. I told them to ask me how I’m doing, don’t hesitate to ask, but that my life is so much more than whatever cancer thing I’m dealing with, so I will laugh and be interested in their teams and in life!

The radiologist said Thursday, at the end of our conversation, out of the blue, that I will be an inspiration to others now. Yes, she said that as I stood up to leave, she looked me straight in the eyes and said, You will be an inspiration to others. Don't feel much like one now, but I know in my mind that one day I will again laugh and chuckle and be peaceful. I know that. I just don't feel that.

Then home, and to dinner with J and B at Luma’s, our normal Friday night thing after Mike and B take a golf lesson. It was so comforting. Okay, everyone’s reaction to my news is different. She offered to take me to any appointment. Mike went with me to the biopsy, which was the right choice. But that is such a show of wanting to help. No one likes going to doctor's offices. It was a good dinner, I just crave being with people and talking.

Then this morning, thank goodness for L who got a tennis game together. I love getting the exercise, want to get exhausted every day so I fall in bed tired at night. Want to get in better shape. Want to boost up the immune system.

Of course, the offer had to be decided upon within hours and faxed back right away, rushing around getting emails printed, Mike to sign, talking to the realtor, and then, the counter offer, and the second counter offer. And the fax machine only sent 11 ½ of 12 pages back. Yes ma'am, we received everything except the half page you signed. You can’t think up these things, they are too bizarre to be true.

This is the process of simplifying our lives, that’s the positive way to look at it according to Mike. Selling his dad’s home and one apartment in the space of 5 days.

On that note, I stopped at Whole Foods after lunch, got some Greens Plus Super Food which is lots of greens in a capsule. And Chlorophyll and some Yogi Tea that’s for upset stomachs and also Aloe Vera. I need to get the Gastric Reflux under control. Am drinking lemon, honey and hot water 3 times a day. My voice is still hoarse and my throat is sore. This has been going on for years.

Organic meats and dairy, vegetables and fruit. Today was my first day without coffee. Its Day 4 of no estrogen, Day 1 of no coffee. No soda (which was maybe one time a week) and adding one yogurt every day. Pulling out all the stops. I probably should investigate more homeopathic things, and get an appointment with M (homeopathic practitioner both Mike and I went to when he first learned he had lymphoma 17 years ago.)

A peaceful evening with Mike, me cooking. Can I forget about all this for a few hours? Here’s hoping….

Joy does not simply happen to us. We have to choose joy and keep choosing it every day. — Henri Nouwen

How the whole thing started

How the whole thing started.

I was in the shower doing my monthly breast self exam, and came upon a little torpedo in the outside quadrant of the left breast.

You know how they say, You will know it when you feel it?

Well, you will.

I was told to do the self exams lying in bed with arm over head, and also in shower with arm over head. Good thing, as you couldn't feel this at all lying down.  When you lie down, its location becomes too buried in to feel.

Anyway, I felt it and knew. I just knew. Instead of calling that morning, I waited until the next day, a Wednesday, and felt it again in the shower. Yep, it is still there. Called my Ob-Gyn, told them I felt something, they could see me the next day.

Went in on Thursday, yes he felt it. Got the prescription for a diagnostic mammogram. Called the mammogram place, they had an opening the following Thursday. Well, as long as I had to wait a week, I thought I might as well get all my ducks in a row because I knew this was cancer and my life would be turned upside down. I scheduled the mammogram for Monday, eleven days out. That way I could go to Sun Valley and San Francisco next week, get things settled there, and be back for the mammogram.

I did that. To Sun Valley, working out schedules and routines for Mike's Dad, interviewing caregivers to add one to the rotation, meeting the realtor as we wanted to move him to a smaller home. And one night in San Francisco, doing the final walk through with the contractor who was at the end of renovating the apartments to sell. And meeting with the estate auction people and estate inventory people. A whirlwind of a week, but it all got done.

Monday the mammogram showed a spot. Yes, the plates that smash your breast into inhumanly thin pancakes really do their job. There was a torpedo, right there where I felt it.

They did the ultrasound right away, which is great. Love that there is always a doctor in attendance who reads your mammogram and can order the ultrasound right then. Ultrasound showed that I needed a biopsy.

Now, this was interesting. They do the biopsies right there. I asked if I could have it done today, or as soon as possible. You know what the hold up was? Aspirin, Flax seed oil and Vitamin E. Because I take those supplements, I would have to wait at least five days. That would be the next Monday. Oh man, you are kidding, right? Nope. I mean, we are talking breast cancer and you are worried about the fifth day of the blood is too thin requirement. Cancer versus a little too much bleeding. Hmmm.

After me asking the same question ten different ways (I am persistent), they told me if my Ob-Gyn gave approval, they could do the biopsy Friday (that's four days not five.) Well, off to the Ob-Gyn office I went. A stop in visit, why not? I guess they don't get too many of them, the receptionist was a bit surprised. But I could have cared less. He was off that Monday, so I left him a written message. He called Tuesday, gave approval for the biopsy one day earlier than recommended. Now all we needed was for insurance to approve it by Friday. They let me schedule the biopsy, they would try to get insurance to give approval by Friday. Friday morning they called, it was approved. In I went.

I had a Fine Needle Aspiration biopsy guided by Ultrasound. Easy enough. Fine needle seems pretty thin. She did one sample and then said she wanted to do a Core Needle Biopsy as that would tell them more information. I am not dumb, I was lying there knowing that meant she knew it was cancer and being a conscientious person, she wanted to get more of it. And of a second spot that looked suspicious. But you know, if she wanted to talk in this coded language, I was fine with it. As long as she was proceeding on.

I was numbed up, and the numbing part was definitely the worst of the pain. So I was pain free. Probably the worst was trying to keep really really still. You have someone sticking a fairly large needle into the side of your breast, referring to an ultrasound screen for guidance, you will be staying still as a deer in headlights. Because that is exactly how you feel.

Went home with  lifesaving little thing, a small, freezable compress to pop inside my bra that cooled down the incision site. I can't take pain pills, they give me instant nausea. So icing down the site is crucial. It also helps keep down the swelling. That evening, we marched forward with the neighborhood dinner party planned at our home, a good diversion from the day's events. And I kept popping the little compress into my bra, then into the freezer, etc. No one was the wiser but me.

Then you wait for the call....

Day 3 - The MRI

YES, it is stage 1.  The cancer cells physically spread out of the duct, but NO EVIDENCE of jumping (metastasizing) beyond the ONE TUMOR... YEAH!!!! I am so thrilled. Who ever thought I would be thrilled to hear I have cancer stage 1.  Boy your perspective changes depending on where you are standing in life (one of my e-mail quotes recently. )

What you see and hear depends a good deal on where you are standing; it also depends on what sort of person you are. -C. S. Lewis.

I had the MRI, and when finished I was waiting in the hall to confirm they had faxed the other reports to the surgeons office, when the radiologist walked by and asked how I was doing. I said I was anxious to hear the results of the MRI, didn't want to wait until next week??? She said, well if you have time she'll read them now and then let me see them. That takes presence on her part. TIME TO WAIT? What possibly could I need to do that is more important at this moment that hear if I have more than the one tumor in my breasts?

So after a few minutes, in we went, read them on the big computer screens. You can see the increased blood flow at the tumor spot, and none elsewhere of significance ... SO this is surgery and radiation, not chemotherapy!!!!! I saw the blue dots, maybe 8 of them, which is a little increased blood flow from the contrast dye they injected. Then you see the green and red, which was all at the tumor site. ALL.... and of course my heart was red and some green, but that's what you want - blood in the heart.... So she carefully explained and I repeated, this is what I am hearing you say - There is no evidence of this tumor spreading beyond the one site, and specifically there is no evidence of this tumor spreading into a lymph node. Which means most most most likely no chemotherapy, definitely radiation of some sort. I will need lumpectomy or mastectomy (not decided yet), need more test results (prognostic markers test which tells us if it is of three types - estrogen fed, progesterone fed, HER 2 normal) and discussion (family history of breast, ovarian, prostate cancer). That is all for next week.

Next step, next Wednesday ( pending insurance approval goes through by then) I go to the surgeon (Dr R), next Thursday the oncologist (Dr M )..... just waiting now. ... and starting to up the healthy diet. I had 8 fruits and veggies yesterday. There's nothing like a new convert.

I am great ninety-five percent of the time still, and five percent of the time I decompose. I think that's pretty good. Maybe I could schedule the five percent decomposing time while asleep?

Being supported by family and friends... thank you.

I heard from two women who had breast cancer, met them serendipitously (P and J), that they were stage 0 same kind but they caught it earlier. I am thrilled for them and their success, but I have to tell you,  it makes me feel envious and frustrated that I didn't catch this earlier. It doesn't make me feel better I can tell you that.

I am off estrogen as of Tuesday, and haven't taken progesterone either. They will tell me next week if this cancer is fueled by estrogen. If it is, then no more ever. If not, well, I decide then. How do I feel off it? I feel a little more emotional, but hey, look what I'm going through! I slept like a baby last night. That might have been the Ambien, just started that Tuesday night. There is no way I could sleep right now without medication, and a good night's sleep is so important. For the first time in my life, I am taking sleeping pills. You do what you have to.

Quick life recap - Mike's mother died seven months ago, Mike is the executor of a very tangled estate left by his mom, and the overseer of his Dad's care (advanced Alzheimer's disease) who lives in his home in  Idaho. We are in Florida. Mike is currently in treatment for lymphoma. Because of this recurrence, he asked his five siblings if someone else would oversee the round the clock caregivers we just hired out in Idaho. Not one would, which was truly a surprise. Someone needs to be responsible for him.  Two months ago was our older son's wedding, which was a time of non-stop abundant and extreme joy, and exhausting to plan. And Mike is at the point of finishing two projects at work he's been developing for years.

It is just not a good time to get breast cancer.
So when would be?
Right, this is the time.

Oh, you will appreciate this. Mike's fathers' Idaho house sold Monday so we have to find him something else and move him by August 1. This is actually an answer to prayer, as he  is starting to stumble and his house is 2 stories with diagonal stairs and we need to simplify his life.  The goal is to simplify his life, simplify our lives. Is there a choice right now? Could you say, well yes he is stumbling and but let us not move him out for another year? No, life will get simpler. It isn't simple yet. There's the prayer, simpler...

I am extremely lifted up by talking with friends.
Had to call S and Mack and Tray and had to see Mike and Corey right after the MRI results.
Then had to tell L and B and D, and S and J. And R and S.

I am noticing flowers and how beautiful they are.  Got flowers from R and E. Beautiful flowers - purple irises and yellow tulips.

Got a fantastic poetry book from S. Read the first one before sleep last night- life does change and for happiness to arrive, you must have some rough spot first.

Beauty and joy in the most unexpected places.

Life is good.

Day 2 - Put one foot in front of the other

Day 2 - Put one foot in front of the other

Mike sent this to me today in an e-mail. I love it, from Philippians.

6 Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.
7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Played tennis with seven women in a round robin. Told them all afterward what I was going through. Some diminished it as so easy to treat which I know was them trying to give me strength, others hugged me and looked like they were going to cry which I know was their sadness and empathy. I truly appreciated the ones who mimicked my tone, kept it light and positive, while acknowledging it would be tough. That was compassion.

The moments are still ninety-five percent positive, and  then five percent of the time those fear horses race out of the stalls. I pull them in hard and fast. Bolt the stable door shut. Turn my back to the door and walk away.

Went online today and bought some inspirational books, by C. S. Lewis, Henri Nouwen, Tony Campolo.

Got a new phone, that diverted my attention for 4 hours, figuring it out. I don't want to sit still and wait. I know that was the verse that God sent to me, BE STILL and KNOW THAT I AM GOD... but it wasn't BE STILL AND WAIT FOR IT ALL TO HAPPEN... was it? There's a difference.  Yes, I know I am bargaining with God. Humorous isn't it?

I want to keep moving forward. I made the appointment with the oncologist for eight days from today... they need the MRI written report before they see me, and they even needed a fax of my biopsy report before they would schedule the appointment. Wow, this is quite a business. Would anyone really lie about a biopsy finding of cancer?

Day 1 Inner Dialogue

 


When getting dressed this morning, I thought to myself as I chose which shirt to wear - this could be the shirt I will always remember as the one I wore when I was told, "You have cancer."

I chose a dark brown cotton v-neck.

The radiologist's nurse had just called me. Her voice coming out of my cell phone said that the radiologist wanted to tell me the biopsy results face-to-face. I said okay, I would come right in.

I pressed END CALL. I sat in my office chair holding the cell phone. Curled forward and cried. Sobbed.

Just for maybe 30 seconds though. For I knew I had to pull it together. I knew I had a battle to fight, but didn't know the size of the enemy army yet. Or even what it looked like. I walked into the next door office, told them why I would be leaving right away. They were speechless. I look back, those poor guys.

So off I went, out the office door, mechanically slid into my blue Mercedes. Off to find out intel on my next mission. One I knew I would have no choice but to accept.

When driving to the radiologist's office, I thought to myself - if its Stage 4 or 5 I will freak out, if its 1, 2, or 3 I can deal with it.

Please God, let it be treatable.
Please God. You see the years ahead. Keep me around for more of them.
Lots more. 

The radiologist started off the in-person appointment by asking me how the biopsy site felt? was it bruising? I thought to myself - she's nice, she has bad news to tell me and she's trying to settle me down, build a rapport, and I'm not going to rush her. Keep up the small talk. Delay the moment. Keep it light.

That was 10 AM this morning. The point where before met after.

I am now in the after. About two weeks after.

Ninety-five percent of the time after hearing this news, after 10 AM, I am positive, I am certain God will fix this, I can do this, others have done this, I will learn a lot, others will be helped, God will use this to His glory, others will be touched in ways I will never know, my husband will be right there with me, my sons and daughter-in-law will be encouraging, my friends will be there, I will never be alone, God tells me to be still and know that HE is God.

Then the other five percent of the time I say - this is crazy, this happens to other people not me, I can't do this, its gonna hurt, I don't want to do this, I DON'T WANT TO DO THIS, what if it doesn't work, why me, I have too much life to live, too many places to see, I want to grow old, why did I complain two weeks ago about anything?

I prefer the 95% part much better.  If I let myself, I can break down in tears at a second's notice. I don't want to let myself, as I am not sure I want to dawdle too long in the five percent. Am I in denial? No completely. Sort of a healthy denial. I am in survivor mode.... I am doing the things I need to, treating this as if it is happening to someone else not me. The old Third Party treatment. I write down everything, as the brain is a bit fuzzy all day long. I ask the right questions. I have called a referred surgeon and oncologist, have written down exactly the reports they need, and in what format. When I go in for the MRI on Thursday at 1 PM I will take in this piece of paper and get the test results faxed to the right people. I will hand the paper over to the nurse, and I will not remember having written these test names down today. This day will be filed away in my brain as "don't have to remember much" of it.

People have let me talk, let me process, tell the story, as short as it is so far. In a year from now, I will be through this journey, and this will all be a memory. I will read these very words, not remembering writing them I bet. Who will be the stalwart ones who march through with me? I think I know...

My husband looks more upset than I do. That's true love, rejoicing for me and grieving for me. He is positive I will be healed. He is upset for me for how painful and sick I will feel over the next 6 months. That's true love. He tells me he will be with me every step, and I believe him. He will. That is him. He is my rock. He is my rock upon which I will lay my head, on the moss on the rock.

My son in town asks if he can drive with me to hear the radiology report. Wow, you know that is an offer of true love. Who would want to do that?

My son out of town asks what can he do to help. I tell him, keep in touch. Text and e-mail and phone calls. Short ones. Sweet and upbeat. I need to be in touch.

One friend stops by, to hear what's going on, a breast cancer survivor. I am encouraged just seeing her sit there, healthy and happy six years later.  Just seeing her. I can't remember a word she said, but I remember totally that she cared enough to come right over. I ran out of words, she and Mike talked, I sat and listened. I needed that.

One friend says she is going to look up Psalms on healing and e-mail me them.

One friend says God will use this for good, and I will never be alone. She will go to doctor's with me, sit with me, do anything for me. I know she will, she is that kind of person.

One friend says I can come over and just go blah, blah, blah anytime I need.  She says she knows life isn't perfect and she is strong enough to hear it from me and still be okay. This is amazingly reassuring. I never would have thought to offer that to a friend. What a gift.

So many friends say they are praying for me. I tell them thanks, that is what works. Pray for the doctors to be wise and have clear vision in their diagnoses, that the tests be accurate, and that healing begin. Now. Right now... and thank you.  One friend says I am a fighter and of anyone, they know I can win this. It is a battle, isn't it?

One friend calls at 10 PM, to see if I am still okay. I'm being covered with love. Lifted up by prayers. God's hands are evident in the hands of my friends and family.

I stopped in the parking lot at the radiologist, and asked something I have never asked - I wanted a verse.  Holy Spirit, what will you bring to me to hold onto through this?  I will wait here in this car until you bring a verse to my mind. And, by the way, I am in no rush.

Be still and know that I am God.
Be still and know that I AM GOD.
Okay.

Well, since He is God, what have I to fear.....
--
Love is the answer,
At least for most of the questions in my heart... Jack Johnson

Starting a Blog

Dear all,

In reading Henri Nouwen's Can You Drink the Cup? he talks about community - a fellowship of people who do not hide their joys and sorrows but make them visible to each other in a gesture of HOPE.

You reading this are my community. Mike and I have been uplifted by your encouragement, resting on your prayers, and relishing your company. God is healing me of breast cancer, and you all are His hands on earth.

So today I am starting a blog (thanks to daughter-in-law Tray and her internet savvy.) I am posting my writings starting today. I am also going to copy e-mails to you, my dear friends, into this blog, so I can keep a record of them. I think you can tell which is which.

This is an open to the public blog. I will only mention names of my family. All other names will be initials. Please feel free to share this blog with anyone you think it might be of use to.

Its about me, but really its about all of us.

I don't know what to call this blog. We are setting up the blog as "Ever Onward and Upward".  Time marches on. I want think of my spirits always lifting up. Of course, at that far and distance future moment when my feet will never walk on the dirt of earth anymore, I will be upward. But that's a long time from now...

I will change the title when I finish, but for now, here goes, ever onward and upward....