My Drishti

What would be my answer to, What have I learned during the past nine months?

Keep my eyes focused on Jesus.
That's the heart of it.

Keep God as my drishti.

I will explain.

Drishti is a yoga term for the point you focus on, or gaze on. The point you direct your eyes to when you are in a pose. Most important to me in the balancing poses, to find a drishti that isn't too low to the floor so I fall forward, or too much to the left so I lean left, too far to the right and I lean right. Too high up, well, that doesn't seem to be a problem as I haven't started to levitate from a pose, yet.

Choose God as my focal point all day long.

Put God in the center of my everything.

Live in His presence.

Refer to Him, look to Him, think about Him.

Pursue Him.

Be used by Him.

Realize that my relationship with God is the single most important thing in every minute of my life. 

How in the world do I do THAT? Just like those abs in yoga, if I take my focus off for even just a little bit, my gaze goes elsewhere and I loose it. I veer off the path He has set out for me. I need to ask God to help me keep focused on Him. I need to CHOOSE to do this. All Day Long.

How can you keep your focus on something that is invisible? That's why you have to be still. Remember from Psalm 46, Be Still. Rushing around, busy as a bumblebee and processing the one thousand or so sensory bits coming at us each day. Well let's face it. You will not be able to see the invisible.  You can barely see the visible world zooming by you.

Be Still, wait on the Lord, ask for His help, seek first His kingdom, acknowledge His Glory.  Like the shepherd of Psalm 23, He will restore your soul, provide your every need, guide you, be with you. He will even anoint your head with oil. More so, He will do this FOREVER.

Get that, HE will do this. FOREVER.

That's the IDEA in capital letters. But what is the action plan, oh you ask, those of you who have sat through strategic planning weekends?  For me, at this point in my life, here it is. It will change through the years, I know. But for me now:

• Add some items to my daily life so that my gaze rests on reminders of God throughout the day.  I will post Bible verses around my home, place a cross on the wall next to the garage door, wear my pink pearl bracelet always always always to remind me to be thankful. 

• Bells of mindfulness. I will try to think of God every time I walk through a door. A door is transition, change from one room to another, an end and a beginning. I will try this. If it doesn't work, I will try another Bell of Mindfulness. 

• Take time to talk with God especially when I wake up and when I lay down. 

• Put aside time during the day to read the Bible (printing out Psalms and leaving them around the house works) and to study the Bible with others. Be excited about what I read, just as I am Franzen's latest novel or the new new movie that's just out. 

• Go to church and stay active at church. Be an enthusiastic Christian at church. Do you get more out of a sport by watching it being played, or by being on that very team that is playing? Hm, well then, don't just show up at church on Sundays, become a part of the church. Join a small group bible study, volunteer at church.

• Looking into retreats. In a lifelong journey, I need to have some variety and a shot of adrenaline to keep it alive. I want to allow myself time and atmosphere to actively go inside my soul once in awhile, so I don't need to get cancer again. Ever. Retreats, or at least travel. Get out of the normal routine once in awhile.

• Continue using guided meditation tapes by Colleen Arnold, Bernie Siegel, Joyce Rupp, etc.

• Search out friends who feed my soul. Appreciate and grow the friendships that already do. Make sure I take time each day to be with friends, and family. Remember, no one's dying breath has even been, Oh I wish I had spent more time at the office or Oh I wish I had vacuumed the floor more often. 

• Keep love and light and forgiveness and thankfulness as not only words but as actions in my life. 

• Be gentle on myself. Don't put myself first, or last.

• Live intentionally.

• Evaluate how am I doing, once a year on the anniversary of the end of my past nine months.  

• Choose Love. 

My nine months of healing physically and spiritually are done.

Thank you dear friends for your prayers and kindnesses,
for your showers of love
and for your hands that lifted me up.

Thank you for walking down the path with me.
I could not have done this alone.

You and I, we are divine and we are loved.
With an everlasting love.

How cool is that?

How has cancer changed you?

I have been asking cancer survivors I happen to be in conversation with, how has cancer changed you?

Dear friend reading this, you know that from the beginning I knew cancer would be used by God for good in my life. Redirection. I want to learn the lessons, make the changes, and live life to the fullest. I want to embrace all God has set out for me on my path.

So what were their answers? (I paraphrased some of their words)

1. Surround myself with reminders that Jesus is my Lord and King and He is in control. Wear a cross my daughter gave me, read devotionals on line, look for Him. Work with Christians. Ask where can I help others see that God is alive and working in their lives.

2. Look for people, events, places that nourish my soul.

3. Try to go to mass every day. Look for ways to inspire others.

4. Encourage others. Be God's hands to show love. And don't stress out over it, God will show me what he wants me to do. Also, be gentle on myself, enjoy every day.

5. Realize that God's timing isn't always my timing. He is in control.

6. Spend more time alone, in prayer, reading. Start my day, every day, reading the Bible and praying.

7. Surround myself with positive people, uplifting people and fun teams of people.

8. Always have accountability, usually to a Bible Study group.

9. Do something every day that is fun, that makes me laugh.

10. I have been redirected to “pay it forward” (the blessings I have received) back out into the universe in any way that I can.

11. I realized just how much I wanted to live, and the appreciation for what I still do have in my life. I will no longer sweat the small stuff and I am now determined that no matter what it will be okay.  I will make the most of everyday and appreciate everything and everyone in it no matter how small it might be. I am determined to become the positive person that I was so many years ago. I will let nothing take that from me again.

12. Cancer forced me to focus on myself, something that was not even in my vocabulary.  Yes, we all could and should walk that extra mile to help someone else in need, but not at the expense of your own health and well being.

13. I no longer say yes when I want to say no.

14.  I count my blessing each and every day.

15. I have a renewed focus on God, meditation, and journaling. I want to be sure I don’t “stuff” my feelings through this process, and stay out of fear-based thinking.

humble, grateful

A thought came to me, thinking about my fellow cancer fighters.
You fight, you battle, you give it all you can, you win.
But not everyone wins.

I am stopped in my tracks about a young girl and two guys my age, all three died the end of last year. Boom. Six months ago they were here, fighting as I was fighting. Now they are gone. Of cancer.

Why them, not me?
They went to doctors, and they prayed. I am sure they prayed fiercely, and people prayed for them. Good prayers. They did the same things I did. 
Here I am, why was I allowed to live?

Maybe it isn't about me. We are each one thread in that beautiful tapestry of life. Some things happen which aren't about me or you, they are about someone else. The end result is to be with God for eternity as part of His work.

But why am I a lucky one?

This is a mystery I will not understand while I am on earth.
My heart aches for their families and friends. They are, all three of them, in heaven now. I am certain of this.

And here I am.
Thinking of them, I get all quiet.

This summer I asked a dear friend, fellow cancer survivor, how did she feel every day, ten years after her surgery and chemo. She told me she feels so grateful and humble everyday when she thinks of three women who had breast cancer when she did, and aren't with us today.

I thought to myself then, I don't feel humble. Or grateful. I don't feel either of them, even one iota of humble or grateful. I was in the midst of chemo. What I felt like was a boxer in the ring, or like a soldier carrying 80 pounds of equipment in 110 degree heat. I was in the middle of the fight. Adrenaline was pumping.

Now, six months later, a 180 degree turn around in thinking.
I feel truly humble that I am allowed more days.
Humble with a lower case H. 
And grateful, thankful, achingly appreciative
that I am allowed more days.

The quiet in my soul is a good quiet. A peaceful quiet.
A still and motionless quiet.
An expectant intake of breath quiet.

I am a serene little sparrow, not an elegant and powerful raptor but a common backyard sparrow.
Curious, small, alert and looking at everything around me.
No one notices me when they pass by though.
No one takes my photo or texts to their friends that they saw a gray-brown sparrow sitting on a branch this morning.
I am perfectly okay with that. 

I  am sitting at the foot of the cross, looking up into the face of Jesus.
He looks down at me with love and tenderness. 
To Him, I am the reason.

Travel Safely into the Unknown

Fear is thinking that the future will not be good. (my definition)
Fear is a distressing emotion aroused by a perceived threat. (dictionary definition)

Pink from Tuesday

I have tried to cast off the mantle of fear all my life, ever since I can remember thinking thoughts. Fear of no one liking me, fear of will I get into college, will I graduate, does he love me, will I be alone, will my baby be healthy, will he follow God, will he choose the narrow road, can I walk the narrow road, will I be alive next year...

Would you want to have a written schedule for your entire life, telling you what choices to make each day? You check your schedule right after waking up - today do yoga, then grocery shop, call Mary and then sign up for the photography class. Then after lunch you go to your desk .... follow the schedule.

First of all, I would be a little freaked out having a written schedule appear every morning on my bedside table. WHERE DID THIS COME FROM?

No, you don't want to be told everything, just the big things.  You want to plan your fun minutes, and let God take care of the serious moments.

Well, it doesn't work that way. Every hour in our day is what makes us who we are, they bundle together to create us. The hours congregate to form our days, which all strung together forms our lives, our souls and bodies.

If we had that schedule laid out for us every day, we wouldn't need to keep our eyes focused on God all day long.We would keep our eyes on the schedule. The key to life abundant and joyful, my friend, is keeping our eyes on God.

Keep your eyes on God, lean into Him, stay in the light of His presence. Sounds so easy.  But the trick is, you don't just do it once, you have to keep choosing to do it every minute of every day. Just like holding in your abs while you do yoga. If you don't think about it even for two seconds, they release. HA!
Keep your eyes on God, then fear is a non-issue.

Follow God's will. Oh yes, really simple eh? But what are the details of doing just that. Ask people how they know what is God's will for them.  I have been asking people for decades.  I want to know. How do you know?

Mankind has been struggling with knowing God's will for over five thousand years, so I do not pretend that I can solve this for everyone. I am working on figuring it out, life is a journey. "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways," declares the LORD. Isaiah 55

We have the Bible, inspired by His Spirit. Any choice I make won't go against the Bible. Not nitpicking the words, but the wisdom imparted in the pages.

We have prayer and meditation, listening to Him and talking with Him. BE STILL.

We have other people who walk closely with Him to shed light on our path when our flashlight battery is flickering.  These advisers I choose carefully. We have churches, communities of others who are trying to walk a similar path as us.

We have the peace of the Holy Spirit inside us, that grows and flourishes when we are walking in the path God intended for us. And feels prickly to me when I am straying.

Good news, God loves me so much that when I veer off the path, He will do all He can to redirect me and get me back on track. Even let me get cancer. That's a lot of love.  He loves you everlastingly too.

So how will I stay on this path from here on out? By looking upwards, every step of the way. I can't do it by myself. Trust that He loves me so much that He will gently show me the way.  Be Still and Know that He is God.

This was handwritten on a slip of paper found in one of Mike's Great-Grandmother's Bibles upstairs in her home in Midland Michigan. It is part of a poem by Louise Haskins, quoted by King Edward in 1937 in his Christmas radio address. It is beautiful. It hit me when I found it in her bible ten years ago, and it still stirs me.

I said to the man who stood at the gate of the year
Give me light that I may travel safely into the unknown.

And He replied,

Go out into the darkness
and put your hand into the hand of God.

That shall be to you better than light
          and safer than a known way.

His Majesty, King Edward of England 1937

Random lessons from my IPAD

Over the past nine months I have written on my IPAD notebook lessons I learned at that given moment. Here they are, in order of being written...

1. Every one has some part of their heart that is fragile, not just people with cancer. Everyone is fighting some battle. Be encouraging to everyone.

2. The saying isn't 'God never gives you more than you can handle.'

        It is 'God can handle anything you have.' and He always wins.

3. Choose joy.

4. Do not let the fear horses out of the stable.

5. Jesus will provide for all your needs, even the ones You don't realize you have.

6. It is okay to take care yourself.

7. I need a community.

Figure out a way, your way, to stay close to Jesus. To stay connected to God. When Mom died, M said I glowed. And I felt amazingly peaceful. B said she never felt more alive than when she was going through chemo. Jesus is right here, He is as real as a rock. He is as solid as the chair i am sitting on. So are the prayers of friends. He is abiding in me. I don't want this part to change! This is why some people go to mass every day, to stay connected. I know prayer and bible reading time gets shoved smaller and becomes non existent when I am healthy. I don't want that to happen ever again. God will show me the way.

Remember to thank Jesus for his healing every day, from my toes on up, healing by the blood of the lamb who was slain for me. Healing by the Grace of God.

Don't shy away from people offering you gifts, kind words, opening up to you.

Never refuse a cup of hot tea, especially if it is peppermint.

Heal me God that I might do your will, to your glory, for the rest of my life. From Fr Jim Holbeck sermon online.

Each day, even during chemo and radiation, will be a beautiful day!

Trust God will tell me every step of the way.

I need Jesus.

Busy isn't the goal. If you don't want to be too busy, you won't be. It is your choice. You have a choice.

God will be there in my future. Don't fear it.

Don't let that sun set on your anger. Forgive. Forgive completely, without reservations.

Apologize. As far as is possible, be at peace with everyone. Love them. Pray for them.

Meditate every day.

Choose who you spend your time with. Choose carefully, for you will become like them.

Hang up the superwoman cape. I can't do everything.

Choose to do good. If you know something is wrong, just DON"T DO IT. Don't be tempted, don't rationalize. If you dance too close to the fire, you will get burned at some point. Believe me, doing the right thing and loving unconditionally is far more wild and crazy and  fun than choosing the shadows.

Search for people, places, things and events to nourish your soul. It's the only part of you that is eternal.

Take the time to love yourself, so that then, from the overflow, you can spill out love on others.

Live with integrity. What is integrity? Keep your promises. Speak truth. Admit mistakes right away.

Live transparently.

Seek a relationship with God with your whole heart.  Being in a community of Christians makes it a lot easier. We are meant to live in community.

Religion is man-made. When you hear something religious, just make sure it holds up under the light of  "God is Love."

You have time to do everything that is important to you. Once in awhile, do a self-check and see where you spend most your time, what is important to you.

People who love generously will always feel loved, at some point.

Don't repeatedly tell God your same problems or worries. Tell them to him once or a few times, then live trusting and thanking Him for his answer, even before you see it.

Do not be afraid of darkness. In it you will find your light, and your light will be clearer than ever.

I am one grain of sand on the beach.

Being still is the most exciting part of my day.

Keep your focus on God. All day long.

Sent from my iPad 

December 22, 2001

Wednesday nine years ago my mother died. God gave me two gifts that night, one I asked for specifically and one I never ever could have even imagined, that was and will always be one of the most close-to-heaven moments ever. Let me tell you how it all happened.

Mom and I were close, very close. We laughed , we argued, we planned, we figured things out. Spent a lot of time together.  Discussed every detail of my life, the kids, Mike, and her and Dad. Mom was one of those people who are like glue and magnets. She knew how to engage people and knit them together in a substantial way like glue, and people were drawn to her warmth like iron to a magnet. The last five years of her life she was in a wheelchair, her body failing her from forty years of insulin-dependent diabetes. She was overweight, partially blind from macular degeneration. She was on oxygen twenty four hours a day, due to chronic obstructive pulmonary disease. Despite all this,  she was full of life.

College graduation, Mike and I with my parents

I got a phone call from Dad on December second,  to come right away.  Mom had fainted and fallen, and didn't want him to call 911. I was close by, and got there in about ten minutes. Mom had gotten herself back into bed and was lying on her right side. I lay next to her, she was crying. She said, Sara don't call the ambulance. I just want to die. I am ready. Please just let me die.  Oh no Mom, I said. Let's get the ambulance, have them take you right to the Winter Park Hospital and let's see what happened, why you fell.

So we did and they came. For eighteen days in Winter Park Hospital we were hopeful. They tested Mom all around, she was walking a few steps with her walker, she was breathing better. She had a private room, we had a CD player with Christmas Carols going, we read from the Bible, from the Episcopal Prayer Book. So hopeful.

The morning of December twentieth, I walked into her room to see two nurses holding her up in bed, trying to get her sit up. She couldn't hold her head up, kept slouching her back, couldn't talk. It was as if she were continually almost waking up, then right away falling asleep. I told them to lie her back on the bed. They did. I called her doctors and Dr. W arrived within the hour. Her kidneys had shut down, her heart rate and blood pressure were below normal, her oxygen level was terribly low, her body was failing.

Thankfully we have fantastic General Practitioners who are willing to talk honestly.  And pray with you. They explained to us what was happening to Mom's body.  They would do their best to keep her comfortable throughout her dying. He had the IV and monitors disconnected. Medicines discontinued. The nurses came in every three hours to check Mom's pulse, that is it. And morphine if she ever grimaced or groaned as if in pain.

I stayed in the chair next to her that day. And the next. And the next. She lay there not moving. I massaged
moisture cream onto her feet and legs. I moistened her lips with water and lip goop. I prayed, sang, read to her. I talked to her. I told her it was okay to die.

The afternoon of December twenty second, Mom hadn't moved or spoken or opened her eyes in two days. I was sitting in my brown vinyl reclining chair next to her hospital bed. Mom was lying on her side, with her back to me. I heard her say, Sara, and then she giggled. Two days she hadn't moved to spoken a word. I shot up, leaned over her and said, What is it Mom?

She said, in a clear strong voice, Oh Sara the puppies, don't you love the puppies? So many puppies. Yes, I said. I love them.  Her eyes were closed, she was gripping my hand in hers.

She went on, smiling and talking with animation, And the daisies. So many daisies. In the meadow, so beautiful. Daisies all around me. I can pick them. Aren't they beautiful, Sara?

Oh, they are beautiful Mom. Just beautiful.

And there's Uncle Charlie. Giggle - giggle. Uncle Charlie.

Who's Uncle Charlie, I ask. No answer.

Sara, You have been the best daughter I could ever have had. I am so happy.

Oh Mom, you have been the best mom.  I love you so much.

Yes I know.

Silence.

Mom, what do you see now?

Daisies, daisies. Uncle Charlie is holding out his arms to me. He wants me to go with him. I love you.

Mom, go. It's okay. I love you.

Then she stopped talking. Didn't move. Didn't say another word. This was late in the afternoon of December twenty second. I was speechless. I had heard that she felt my love. Through all my years with Mom, the mistakes I made, anything I had done that had hurt her, she forgave me. She knew I loved her. Oh, thank you Lord for these words. And she was happy, dying was a happy ending for her. I knew what the puppies and daisies meant, but not Uncle Charlie.

Puppies. Mom's father's job was raising, showing and judging Golden Retrievers and Irish Setters. They had a six run Puppy Kennel at Tercor Kennels. It was like heaven in there. You would step into the puppy box and six to ten puppies would crawl all over you, licking and nudging and tumbling. I can even smell their warm smell now. Cuddly and cozy. Unconditional love.

Daisies. Mom's favorite flower. White with yellow centers. Her childhood home had a meadow beyond the kennels.  In summer it was filled with wild daisies. Magical. The brook beyond, and past that the blueberries and asparagus patch. Joy as of a child.

Uncle Charlie. I asked Mom's sister who he was. He was their first relative to die, their mother's brother. My aunt remembered the funeral, the reception afterward at the house. My Mom saw her uncle reaching for her. Being carried by family. Family.

What a gift for me to hear. That Mom loved me, knew I loved her. That Mom wasn't afraid of death, in fact she giggled and was joyful. What a gift from God.

By 10 PM that evening, I was exhausted. I had been sleeping in the brown vinyl recliner for two nights, and had woken up every three hours anyway when the nurses come in. I craved a good night's sleep. So I prayed:  Dear Lord, I know this sounds unusual, but you will understand. Could you keep Mom alive until tomorrow morning, or let her die right now? I am really tired and would appreciate a good night's sleep. I find it hard to believe I really prayed that, but I did.  She died within the hour. Another gift.

Do you remember your thoughts the moment your mother died? I felt as if I were a boat and my anchor had been cut off. I was happy for her, to no longer be contained in flesh that failed her. Sadness for me missing her. Thinking of her feelings, I pictured her dancing, with a body that would let her move and be light and energetic. So I was so thankful for her she could now be free.

I hugged her and felt the warmth leave her flesh. I wanted one last hug. Mike and Dad came to her bedside with me. The nurse that night, who didn't work this hospital but had been scheduled this shift, was the mom of one of Mike's ex-little leaguers. So good to have her voice, which was familiar, telling me there was no pulse.

We drove home, I piled into cool sheets. It felt like I was lying down in a cloud. I fell right asleep, and I think I slept for two days.

What a gift, to hear Mom's words. Knowing she was happy, happy with me and happy to be moving on to heaven. Surrounded by love and beauty and family members.

I grieved Mom's death for weeks. The ache and tears receded over time. At random moments I miss her still. I will break out in tears wishing I could lean towards her and tell her something that's on my heart. Then she would look at me, put her arm around me, and talk with me about it. She didn't have all the answers, but she certainly would walk through it with me, whatever it was and however long it took.

I have thought, I am really glad  for Mom that she is watching my breast cancer healing from heaven, where she sees the happy ending. When you know there is a happy ending, it makes the in between tough days a lot easier to take.

Everyone's life has a happy ending. That's my prayer.

Hamster

I'm in my childhood home, in the Williamsburg gray green front hallway. Moravian star light fixture hanging from the center ceiling, glass doors on either side of the hall going into the dining room and living room respectively, staircase ahead. Traditional Colonial center-hallway home.

Mom walks out from the kitchen carrying an empty glass Mason jar. I am my age right now.  Mom is young and healthy and energetic, maybe 20 years old. Wearing madras shorts and a white button down shirt with the tails tied in the front at her waist, you know the 1950's look?

She says, Come here. You'll be able to do this.

I follow her into the kitchen. She unscrews the metal top from the glass jar.  She bends down to open a bottom cabinet, yellow wood cabinets, reaches the glass jar tentatively way back into the shelves. Then she jumps up. Out from the cabinet scurries a tiny hamster. It darts across the green wooden floor of the kitchen. I easily stoop down, snatch it up in my right hand. I pop it into the glass jar in Mom's hand and she screws on the lid.

I say, It can't breathe. She looks at me. I get a pen, poke a hole in the top metal lid, like we used to do for fireflies in glass jars. The little hamster is peering up at me through the hole I poked. It's not sad, or happy, just surprised. Not agitated. Just looking at me.

I hand the jar back to Mom. I ask, what are you going to do with him?

Mom replies, I'll take him away and let him go.

==================
I wake up. I make myself repeat this dream. I see the kitchen and the cabinet so clearly. Then I picture me stepping into our front hallway and the whole event unfolds again.

Now, the interesting thing is, two nights ago for the first time since Mom died 9 years ago, I talked to Mom. This isn't creepy, she didn't answer back and I didn't expect her to.

I was processing the time post-treatment. How do I not get afraid cancer has returned each time I feel a bump or ache?  So I was thinking about this, and about Mom who always prayed for me. So I told her, I knew you are delightfully happy in heaven, and I am so looking forward to being with you there, but not yet. I told her, You are close up there to God. Go tell Him I want to live down here awhile longer.

I see why I would have a dream about Mom the next night. She was on my mind, as my advocate.  Remember, dreams aren't really about the person or the thing as much as they your subconscious processing your emotions about what they represent.

Now the hamster? Hmmm. To me, when I think hamster, I think of that wheel. Oh yes, the wheel where they run and run and run, and get nowhere. Our lives sometimes, busy doing the thing we think is important, but it really is just the thing that is staring us in the face at the moment and so we jump aboard and off we go. Busy, busy. Getting nowhere.

Getting stressed out that we are getting nowhere. HA!

So, to me, this dream is saying I am able and capable to take all the things that have occupied me unfulfillingly, and bottle them up and let them go. The part of me that is my advocate tells me I can do this, and it's not a big deal. There isn't a fight, or a battle. Simply a matter of removing.

God will show me who and what and where is best in my life.

For my good.

I can depend on God to guide me in the paths of righteousness.

He will.

And when I need restoring, He will restore.

Thinking about this more, I have learned about myself that I need affirmation from others. I love being part of a team effort. I also love helping others and sometimes being alone. It is all a balance. And all are part of a healthy me.

I feel so much more peace after this dream. Thank you. 

Email responses

Sunday morning, the lake is still, looks like a mirror. I hear the train whistle barreling through downtown Winter Park.  I can picture crowds of interested viewers meandering through Central Park's Autumn Art Festival, remarking on the gorgeous weather. I'm outside on the porch, sitting on a sofa with my basset hound next to me. She is in her "I could never make it in the wild" sleeping position, on her back with pink underside exposed.

Wednesday and Thursday exhausted me. Making thoughtful, emotional decisions is exhausting. I am taking it easy this weekend. My body needs rest, but my mind needs entertainment and intrigue. The 45-17 Florida State - Miami game last night gave neither.  The commentators started talking about whether Jimmy Johnson is an excellent NASCAR driver, or is it his team and car that are superior. Oh boy.  Then there's Angry Birds on the IPAD, a pretty mindless game where birds plummet into green pigs, which I have played so much my right hand is tired today. I need to find a good book to carry me away.

This morning's devotional was spot on. Paraphrased it was - Do not complain, as that leads to self-pity and rage. Instead bring ALL your cares to God. He will put His words in your mind and His song in your heart. I like that.

Reminds me of the verse from Philippians Mike e-mailed me early on in this adventure - Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

I am no better or worse than anyone at doing this.  You could do this. You could heal. God is waiting for each of us to turn our faces towards Him. Don't wait to get cancer to do it, look to Him now.

You also could write this blog. Reading your e-mails, you all have thoughts in your hearts I want to hear. That others would like to hear. So many of you have mentioned how neat a blog is. Try it!

I read Wendy Choiji's article (Orlando TV anchor who beat breast cancer eight years ago) this morning in the Orlando Sentinel, and I think,  Can I do this healing as well as she did? She did it so well, with such strength and energy!

I hope I can do this. Hope. And what is faith? It is being certain of what you hope for. Lord, strengthen my faith that I am certain of healing every minute.  Remind me that I can only do this while looking to You.

Here follows the e-mails from you all.... which keep me going....  This is a long process and your dots and dashes of kindnesses are so beautiful. Thank you.

======================

This first email to me needs a note of explanation. The photo of the baseball field was from Sanford's Breast Cancer Awareness game this summer (the Sanford River Rats are one of the college summer teams of Florida League, which I have been involved with for 7 years and which was run great this summer without me involved much at all.) I couldn't go to any of them this summer, the timing always landed on a day I felt yechy. But here's what the fantastic stadium crew did on the field. The entrance sign to the stadium sign said, Team Sara!

  

 Hope you are enjoying a good day and the beautiful weather-
Thought I’d send over a couple of pictures. 
One from the season, (not sure if you had a chance to see)
and one new picture of our stadium sign.

===========================

Praying hard, just listen, God will tell you.   It's all about trust isn't it.

===============  

 God has guided you every step of the way so I know you  will know exactly what He wants you to do tomorrow...just listen to His "still small voice"

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You will indeed be covered  in prayer. Tomorrow is yet another chapter in your  book of healing.  These are situations  when you  think, pray, rethink , ask questions, take surveys, phone a friend  etc and (I know I sometimes feel)  it would be easier if He could just give you the answer in something understated like skywriting :-).  Alas,  His guidance will be  subtle yet affirming for what you will need.  I realize the subtle yet affirming is akin to "jumbo shrimp" but you understand!   I hope you rest well tonight knowing that Team Sara is standing with you.

From FL Hospital's wall in Cancer Wing

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 I am confident that you & Dr. M have made the right choice regarding your chemo, and am praying now for you to have peace about that decision. 

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May the wisdom that surpasses all understanding be present with both you and your doctor tomorrow.  I will be thinking of you and knowing that you and Dr. M will make the correct decision.  God Bless.....

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God has held you in the palm of His hand, thus far, and will never let you down. I am certain you will continue down the right path. 

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Sending you our prayers and love. God and all of your loved ones are with you now and tomorrow. You will be right where you're supposed to be- trust in that.

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My thoughts and prayers are with you. There's no doubt in my mind you will win this battle.
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Peace, Girl, Peace ... : )
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God speed.  I know you will get guidance and choose the right path.  I'm praying for you.
=================
 

I’m praying, praying, praying!!!!

Proverbs 3:5-6
Trust in the Lord with all your heart;
do not depend on your own understanding.
Seek his will in all you do,
and he will show you which path to take.

It sounds like you have a wonderful counselor in Dr. M.  I’m praying for him, too!

Proverbs 15:22
Plans fail for lack of counsel, but with many advisers they succeed.

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Just as you have been doing , pray,listen ( to God, your body and spirit,and, oh yes, Dr. M,) and trust. 

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As you go into #6, my thoughts and prayers continue.  Even though you have had a few more problems with #5, you have tackled them.
I am sure # 6 will see the same steadfast success. And it will be your last chemo!!!  Yeah! I had problems with #2 and #3, but the last one seemed to go more smoothly.  Of course there was more exhaustion, but the treatment and problems of the past seemed easier for some reason.  Knowing that it was going to be over after that, may have given me more resolve and peace.  I hope that happens to you. 

Wrap yourself in all the prayers, hugs and love your family and friends are sending your way.
===================

Disturb Us, O Lord
when we are too well pleased with ourselves
when our dreams have come true because we have dreamed too little
when we arrived safely because we sailed too close to the shore

Disturb Us, O Lord
when with the abundance of things we possess
we have lost our thirst for the Waters of Life;
having fallen in love with life, we have ceased to dream of eternity.
And in our efforts to build a new earth,
we have allowed our vision of the new heaven to dim. 

Disturb Us, O Lord - to dare more boldly
to venture on wider seas where storms will show your mastery
where losing sight of land, we shall find the stars.
We ask you push back the horizon of our hopes,
and to push us into the future with strength, courage, hope and love."

==============

Thinking of you today as you come to grips with Chemo # 6.  The above prayer, a version of the original attributed to Sir Francis Drake (at least according to the internet!), is offered by Father J. every Sunday.  I love it!  Cancer has disturbed you, and it has disturbed all of your family and friends who love you!  Deeply and profoundly disturbed us!!!!   I love the analogies we can make from an explorer’s prayer to our own, landlocked lives.  You are one of the lucky ones who have ventured on wider seas where storms are revealing to you God’s mastery.  We, your friends, can only hope that we can share your adventure…..lose sight of land and find the stars and watch God push back the horizon of our hopes and push us forward with strength, courage, hope and love!!   Isn’t it a great prayer!!!

Keep the faith in the Lord’s mastery!

===========================

Yes, definite is good! One more chemo to rid your body of those little bastard guys! Give 'em hell!

============================

This is just amazing. I know it isn't the answer you wanted or expected to hear, but I am so glad the doctor was so sure about his decision and you have a definite direction.

I thought I would share a story that might encourage you. This is a little bit lengthy, but bare with me, it will make sense in the end!

As you know, I had two shoulder surgeries when I was playing baseball. When I came out of surgery #1, the doctor told me it was one of the largest labrum tears they had seen or heard of, but they still expected me to make a full recovery. I had to go to a rehab clinic 3-4 times a week for months. Eight months into rehab after my first surgery, my throwing was not progressing the way it was supposed to. Rehab was supposed to take anywhere between 8-12 months, but I couldn't throw 30 ft. without pain. I suspected this was because the initial tear was so bad, and that the rehab would just take a little longer. The doctor wanted me to have another Arthogram and MRI to make sure everything was ok.

When I went back for the follow up appointment after the MRI, I was told I needed a second surgery, the initial surgery didn't completely stay in tact. I was devastated. I felt like all of the rehab to which I already dedicated so much of my time accomplished nothing, and now I had to go through it again.

I chose to see a new doctor for surgery #2. He was very well known for his work on shoulders. After the surgery, Dr. #2 told me that if Dr. #1 did everything he said that he did in the surgery notes, he had done all that he could. I had a very bad tear. Dr. #2 performed a different technique and also discovered that sometime between surgeries 1 and 2, part of the cartilage in the front of my shoulder got rubbed away. They didn't know how this would effect me throwing because it was not common.

I want to share with you what the doctor told me after surgery #2 because I remember his words as clear as day and I later used it as motivation. He told me "We fixed your labrum, but we don't know how you will recover because of the complication with your cartilage. I'm not sure if you will ever be able to throw again, but I want you to rehab like you normally would for this surgery and we will re-evaluate later." They told me to expect a much longer rehab (12-18 months this time) because that was typical after a 2nd labrum surgery.

I was determined to make it back to the field to prove to the doctor that it could be done. After 21 months of rehab from surgery #2, I played my first game on the field again.

While shoulder surgery is nothing like the fight you are fighting, I wanted to share this story with you because I imagine that on Wednesday morning, you felt a little bit like I did when I found out I had to have surgery #2. You have endured all of this pain until now, and in your mind you were ready to move on to the next thing (radiation), just to find out you have to go through it again. When I got the news, initially, I was furious. I asked God why this had to happen. At this point I realized that it was all in His hands and during the course of those months of rehab after surgery 2 I grew much closer to Him. Philipians 4:13, which says “I can do all things through Him who strengthens me”, took on an entirely new meaning to me.

I later realized that whatever the outcome was of all this surgery, ultimately I grew much closer to God and that was something that would last forever Whether I made it back to baseball or not didn’t matter, it was God’s plan to take Baseball away to draw me closer to Him.

I was blessed to get the best of both worlds, I grew closer to God and He gave me baseball again. I pray the same will be true for you and that life goes back to normal after the last chemo and radiation.

Keep up the fight! 

==============

Isn't it the best when a Dr. can tell you exactly the what needs to be done?!!  Halaluya!!  I hope you are doing well and are content in knowing what needs to be done!   In my heart I feel you will recover! 

=================

Your doctor made the decision for you. He was an instrument of God. Dr. M has the skill, knowledge, and historical background with all types of cancer that you have to believe you are in the best of hands. Onward you go to the last chemo. You are right... look out cancer cells... this final round will terminate your existence in Sara's body. GOOD riddance!!!! Always praying for you, ALWAYS thinking about you and I love to hear your name announced every Tuesday at the Healing Service. So many people you don't even know are praying for your recovery. God is at your side, every step of the way. You have felt His presence all along and those of us who have been able to follow your path believe more than ever in the power of prayer. Stay peaceful, sweet lady. Allow your family to continue loving you and caring for you. May God continue to give you peace, courage and strength! All my love and smiles heading to you, 

==========================

Bless you Sara we are with you all the way

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Oh, Sara isn't it amazing when you can actually see the hand of God guiding you! And think of it this way - you need 6 chemo treatments and you are done with 5.  You are 83.33% through. Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.

==============

Thanks for your update.  We are happy to know you have direction and certainty, but also praying for your peace in the midst of this long road.  I understand and was tracking with your logically divided path, where chemotherapy was likely done and Part 2 ready to begin. I am sorry there is another Chemo for you, but so grateful for clarity.  I'm sure so much is nebulous and judgment calls and weighing options and pros and cons, so this is welcome in its black and whiteness.

You continue to inspire us in your faithfulness to our Lord, and your assurance that He and only He can give understanding and peace and direction.  Go get 'em! 

===========

I am so thankful you have the peace to take the next step. I pray each day that God will wrap his loving arms around you and I know he is doing that. 

====================

   Please do not worry about this 6th treatment.  First of all  not everyone's case is the same however,  I had a very aggressive cancer and it had spread to my lymph nodes and my tumor was 4 centimeters.  I had 9 chemo treatments and 6 weeks of radiation and that was 16 years ago.  I have some neuropathy in my feet but nothing I can't live with.  You will survive this and be fine.  I'm glad Dr. M. was so definite about this.  Give this up to the Lord and he will take care of you.

================

I'm with you in saying GOOD-BYE to those little buggers!! Love you!!
 ======================

 Sara, I am glad our prayers were so clearly answered! Get psyched up for round #6. I know that is tough to do, but you have done it before, and you can do it again. I dreaded my third brain surgery but kept telling myself, that I survived the previous ones and I can do it again. "Attitude is Everything." You know what to expect, and that can work against you sometimes, but you are going to have so many of us praying for you and caring for you. You are surrounded by love. Can you feel it? I hope so! Keep all of us posted. You stay in my daily prayers!!!

================

I'm praying for you! You are a very positive person with a very supportive family. I believe you handle Chemo #6 with ease! With a positive outlook and a family behind you, you beat this terrible disease! 

==================

And we will continue with the prayers, my friend.

=======================

Sara, I am sure you have made the correct decision. Through the help of God's grace, you heard positive answers from your Dr. I will continue to keep you in my prayers while you speed your way to a total recovery!! God bless you!!

===========================

Definite is good! Hooray! The last one should be a piece of cake with what you have already endured!

 

 

Details of Chemo #5

I am out the other side of Chemo #5, and want to record the details. My hope is this will help someone else who is going through Chemo.

This blog was started for several reasons: a safe place for words to flow as a catharsis for me, a record of this time of cancer treatment for me to see my growth and lessons learned, an aid to anyone going through healing, and a way to reflect Glory to God of His work in my life right now.

I want you all to realize, I am no better or worse than anyone of you at walking through illness. Sometimes I listen to the still small voice speaking to my soul, and sometimes I ignore it. Each of us has the spirit to heal, and each of us has the presence of God available every second.

I, like each of you, are given the gift of life for today. I want my life today to be like clay in the potter's hand, reworked to reflect the creator's glory. It is God who has all the answers, has all the power, and knows what to do. I am just like you, trying. I fall, I get up. I fall, I get up. I look to Him. I need Him.

Each of you have had and will have amazing events in your life, some visible to all and some only known by you (and God).  Sometimes you will see your impact on others' lives right away, sometimes you will never know how others are affected by your words or actions. Sometimes the whole event is about you, and sometimes it is totally about someone else.  Isn't that cool?

It is God's power that heals, it is God's love that is shown through all of you.

I am just trying to cooperate.

So, what follows are the humdrum details of this week. Please don't feel you need to read them if they hold no interest. 

------------
Day 0 of Chemo, Monday Sept 20
The Getting Ready Day

Concept - Today is prepping for tomorrow. Keeping peaceful and positive while organizing for another attack on any cancer cells left. Want to have my body is as good a shape as possible, so the healthy cells stay healthy. 

Exercise - 4 laps around the Millenia Mall, which is two miles (I emailed their office to ask). I want to get some blood moving but not true exercise. Studies have now come out that say you should avoid mind and body stress for two days prior to chemo, as the stress causes your body to produce a protein that protects cancer cells from chemo. Yes, you heard it here. Of course, thinking about getting chemo is stressful in itself, but we all do what we can. At least I can minimize physically stressing out.


Food- Breakfast of Big Wood River Granola, Greek Vanilla Yogurt and some blueberries, Green Tea. Have been having this for eons it seems. Lunch of the Chicken Chop Salad at PF Changs (with friends!) Dinner is sauted artichoke hearts, garlic and onions served over Celegini mozzarella cheese balls and 2 oz of proscuitto, with some fruit and a croissant also.


Meds- taking the Dexamethasone (steroid) that Dr. M prescribed, which hypes me up but also is an anti-inflammatory I understand. The only other things he lets me take now are my nightly psyllium, magnesium, calcium, and D3. Oh, and two weeks ago he said okay to taking B-12 shots. And I can take an Ambien at night if I really need help sleeping.

The Boys Scouts motto of "Be Prepared" rings true today. I try to get all my ducks in a row so I can float as peacefully as possible the rest of the week.  Spend time paying all the bills, answering all emails. Visit my Dad and sort out his pills for the next three weeks, neaten up his apartment.

Got all my stuff ready to go to chemo. Put out my IPAD with headphones, a cooler for ice cubes and a popsicle, a light pashmina. Wrote down on post-it notes who was bringing meals when, and who was driving me where and when all week long. Downloaded 4 of Bernie Siegel's Healing Meditations onto my IPAD. Tore seven pages out of a book, which is a written meditation to read during chemo I found this week.  It specifically guides you to look at chemo as healing you.  Wrote an email out to all my loyal friends asking for prayers tomorrow, and for specific prayers.

This morning, I went through visualizing every part of me healing, and praying for this healing. Meditated on Psalm 23, thinking about every verse in detail. Reading "Jesus Calling" by Sarah Young as my daily devotional. 

A neighbor threw a cocktail party, with his visiting sons entertaining us with an Improv show. We went for one and a half hours, then I crashed. Wearing the wig. I napped in the afternoon for three hours, but there still comes a point in the evening when the brain and body start slowly shutting down. Can't process thoughts, start to get the clammy feeling you get when you are weak. It was great to be out and seeing neighbors though. I definitely wasn't this tired early in chemo. The effects are cumulative.

Day 1 of Chemo, Tuesday Sept 21
The Day of Chemo

Concept - Stay positive, be gentle on my body.

Exercise - Nothing intentional, just doing daily activities.


Food - Breakfast is 365 Frosted Mini Wheats - want something delicious and whole grains. Lunch is PF Changs' Gluten-Free Ginger chicken with well cooked broccoli and brown rice. Lots of tea and water. Lots. Probably asked for 6 refills. Took a to-go cup with me to chemo. Ate a mango popsicle when they started the Taxotere.  Dinner is sauteed chicken, spinach and pasta, croissant and salad with no dressing. And watermelon. Watermelon tastes really good. And I drink a Bio-K CL1285 in the evening.

Meds- Taking the Dexamethasone as directed. At chemo they spray my port with Pain Ease, then first give me in pre-meds in the IV - Benedryl, Dexamethasone, a drug for esophagus spasms (first time I got this, and I can't remember the name), and Aloxi for nausea, and of course the IV bag to clear out the port (which is in my right arm). Then after these ran through, I got the Taxotere and then after that, the Cytoxan. Taking 5 tsp of L-Glutamine throughout the day, to protect my nerve endings. Before bed, because my digestive system will stop processing today, I take a Colace and a Sennakot.

Today, for some reason, Mike and I are both awake at 3 AM. I am on this steroid that hypes you up. My mind is naturally thinking about  my 1:30 chemo appointment. I get out of bed, bake muffins, make some gazpacho for Thursday.

I go back to bed at 6 AM. I linger in bed as long as I want. Praying and meditating. Letting my mind wander. I read the day's devotional and then I think. I recite Psalm 23 and let my mind wander on each verse. I visualize healing. I am getting set up for the day, putting on the armor of God, preparing for healing to happen. Being in God's presence is the most important part of today's preparation. Just being with Him.

Went to the baseball office at 10 AM, went over some of the current events. At PF Changs at 11:15 with my nine friends. What a joy! I am pretty chatty, having trouble concentrating on the conversations as my mind is playing hopscotch. Main thing, I drink in the smiles and laughter. We talk about ear lobe lifts and nourishing soup and pole dancing for exercise and keeping the Sabbath holy.

Home to a surprise-a-rooni. S and S have placed fifty nine pink plastic flamingos alongside our driveway. CAN YOU BELIEVE IT! What a hoot! I jump out of the car and walk among them. I love it. Just love it! They look so kooky in our yard. Just perfect, I can't stop smiling! I have no idea of who did this!

Then to Dr. M with Mike, driving through the flamingos. They are running later than ever. I now know to tell the nurse to take my blood pressure with a wrist cuff on my left wrist, and to take blood for blood work from my right arm inner elbow, but don't use a tourniquet because I have a port near my elbow. I wear a short sleeved t-shirt so the port is easily accessible.

My blood work is all good. Red blood cells slightly low, just slightly. White blood cells and platelets normal. How wonderful that is!

I have four questions for Dr. M, and I write them down on the single sheet they have me fill out each time, a sheet which asks for any negative comments on each group of symptoms. When Dr. M comes in, he says How are you doing? I say, Happy to be here! He looks at my sheet, and we go over the issues. It was a good idea to write down my questions, they were answered.  Now I know he is a better visual than auditory processor.  These visits are less than five minutes each, he doesn't sit down. Looks at sheet of paper, answers questions, checks my heart, leaves.

1. Can we do anything about the nausea except Phenergan (which puts me to sleep)? He says, other anti-nausea drugs cause headaches, take the Phenergan and sleep.

2. Can we do anything about Thurs PM to Sat PM swollen glands, achy joints and muscles? He says that is how chemo makes you feel, take two Advil every four hours.

3. Can I do anything about my red blood count being low? He said it is fine, just barely low. Don't worry.

4. The symptoms of Inflammatory Breast Cancer showed up again after Chemo 4 then receded (swollen, red), even though the biopsy showed I don't have it. Do IBC symptoms come and go? Could biopsy be wrong? No, if it were IBC it wouldn't swell and redden then recede. If the swelling and redness lasts over 2 days, call him.

Okay then.

Into the waiting room, waiting for an IV lounger to open up. Quite crowded today. I get called back about 2:30, they start it up right away with the pre-meds. I keep my feet and hands out of the blanket, because that will give them slightly less chemo and I am trying to prevent CIPN (Chemically Induced Peripheral Neuropathy) which is tingling due to injury to the myelin of your hands's and feet's nerves. I drink water after water, and once the Taxotere and Cytoxan are going in, I suck on ice chips and cubes, again to reduce slightly the chemo to my mouth, which in turn reduces mouth sores and metallic taste in mouth.

I turn on my IPAD and put in my headphones. Listening to Handel's Water Music, first I pray. Lifting up Mike, Corey, Mack, Tray. Dad and Mac. Lifting up others. Then myself. It is such a compassionate, healing atmosphere in the chemo room, I think. It's the people that make it that way.

For the first time, I read a guided imagery written for chemo, about 30 minutes.  Fantastic. Guides me through relaxing all muscles, then the chemo drugs flowing through my body from top of head to tip of toes removing any cancer, then protecting my healthy cells, then thankfulness. Then I doze off. Awake and asleep, on and off until finished. Picturing my body being washed with clear, pure chemo-drugs water, picturing this water flowing and eddying everywhere, getting any and all errant cells out of there.

I'm out of there at 5:30, back home.  We reheat the delicious dinner waiting on the kitchen counter. We eat and then take a slow walk around the block with our basset hound Sporty. Relax and in bed by 9 PM. Watched a Seinfeld episode before bed. Still hyped up on the steroids, but tired from the events of the day. The train has left the station....

Day 2 of Chemo, Wednesday Sept 22
The First Day after Chemo

Concept - Stay positive and gentle on  my  body. The steroids make me feel jittery, my body has the chemo drugs in it so it is a little startled. I want to help my healthy cell's stay healthy and wash out the dying cancer cells. 

Exercise - 2 laps around the Millenia Mall, driven down there by a friend. I don't quite trust myself to drive, everything seems to be happening so fast around me. My mind is a little foggy and sluggish. I enjoy hearing my two friends talk, and I contribute some.


Food- Breakfast of 365 Cherios. Lunch is Thai Crunch Salad at California Pizza Kitchen and Iced Tea. Afternoon snack of Matzo crackers. Dinner is baked chicken and squash and berries. Drinking water all day, I would say I consume a gallon of water, with slight flavorings (Pom juice, Gatorade, lemon). And I drink a Bio-K CL1285 in the evening. Warm water and lemon or warm chamomile tea feel so soothing to drink.


Meds- L-glutamine 5 times today. And since my digestion system has stopped, I take a Colace and a Sennakot before bed.

Awake at 10AM, I stay upstairs in prayer and thought. Just heavenly.

Different than prior times, my cheeks are rosy all day long. I have asked for prayer protecting my bone marrow, and here it is. I am getting plenty of oxygen! The symptoms of IBC are there just like the days after the last two chemos, red and swollen left breast, but I know I don't have it.

I go to the Millenia Mall with B and L, walk two times around and then break for lunch. That is one mile. I am spacey, and it takes quite an effort of concentration to listen to the conversation. But I enjoy it. I am hyped up yet tired. My body alternates between wanting to fall asleep instantly and having my heart race and blood pulse so loud I hear it in my ears.

When back from the Mall, I lie down at 2 PM. I can't fall asleep, but am too tired to read or focus on a television show. I listen to the Peaceful Soundscapes, Channel 434, and let my mind drift. Repeat Psalm 23 and roll each verse over in my mind. My body is fighting a battle, I can tell. My heart rate zooms randomly. Exhausted yet hyper at the same time.

Not nauseous at dinner time, but not hungry. My eyes feel tired. The port is very tender and bruised.  At bedtime I can feel my joints and glands start to get sore. It feels great to lie down and fall asleep.  I want to help my lymph system drain, as my lymph nodes and everything was very tender and sore and achy last time, so I sleep on two pillows on my back, to let the lymph in my neck drain a little better. Woke up three times during the night, went right back to sleep.

Day 3 of Chemo, Thursday Sept 23

The Second Day after Chemo

Concept - Gentle on the body, keep water flushing through to help the kidneys and liver and lymph system all do their job. 

Exercise - None, I am exhausted.



Food- Breakfast of Greek Vanilla Yogurt and Granola and blueberries. Lunch is Gazpacho and almonds at home, and Iced Tea. Dinner is soup, slice of turkey and sweet potato. Drinking water all day, I would say I again consume a gallon of water, with slight flavorings (Pom juice, Gatorade, lemon - mainly lemon). And I drink a Bio-K CL1285 in the evening. Soups taste the best. I stay away from anything fatty, it has no appeal. My digestive system is still very sluggish, so no fats or anything difficult at all to digest. The warm water with lemon and chamomile tea are still favorites. Very soothing.


Meds- L-glutamine 5 times today. Neulasta shot (increase bone marrow's production of blood cells.)

Up at 10:30 AM to get Neulasta shot, getting a ride, and then back to the house directly to nap until lunch. I greedily lie on the little white sofa in the living room, under the quilted comforter, every chance I get. Seriously, I come in from the doctor's at 11 AM and fall right asleep.

Mike, Corey and B have lunch here, and I fall asleep after lunch. I put on one of Bernie Siegel's Healing Meditation tapes, and drifted. Very relaxing and positive, guided imagery of healing. Even though it's 90 outside, I feel cold.

Acupuncture at 2, driven by B. We do a minimum of points, not wanting to add stress to my body. Two for nausea, then liver, kidney, spleen, and lymph drainage. So peaceful lying there. I asked months ago when I started acupuncture, Could I listen to an IPOD while the needles did their work? What was I thinking. Forty five minutes of peace and prayer and focusing on my body healing. It goes by in a snap. Often I fall asleep.  I love it.

Back home at 3:30, and off to sleep again. My mouth starts to taste metal, my feet are starting to tingle. My calves and neck are starting to be sore and ache, glands tender. By dinner I eat very little and just want to lie down listening to Soundscapes soothing music, very soft. Loud voices or television shows grate me like fingernails on chalkboard. My cheeks were rosy!

There was a roach in my bathroom this evening, and it freaked me out. I can say I have never been this scared of a roach. For some reason it scared me. To the point of crying. Sat on the side of the bathtub, staring at the roach crawling across the bathroom counter and sobbed. I didn't want to touch it. I wanted someone, anyone but me, to get that thing out of there. In Florida, roaches are a part of life. We all have them. Normally I would be the one who gets the magazine and WHOMP kills it in one thump. I couldn't handle it tonight. Who would have guessed?

Day 4 of Chemo, Friday Sept 24

The Third Day after Chemo

Concept - Let my body repair. All the dead cells from chemo are flushing out, and my body knows it. The digestive system has had a chemical peel, the lymph glands are swollen because they are doing their job. My joints and muscles ache all over, they have been hit sideways by the chemo and need to repair. Everything is tender to the touch. So today is pamper the body, gently.

Exercise - None, I can't even think of exercise.
 

Food- Breakfast was a pear. Lunch was chicken broth, egg and lemon (Avgolemono Soup) and Iced Tea. Dinner is soup and a small bit of pasta w tomato sauce. Drinking water all day yet again. And a Bio-K CL1285 in the evening. Soups taste the best. Digestive system limping along, needing replenishment. 



Meds- L-glutamine 5 times today. I mix it with just a few teaspoons of water and drink it like a shot. It takes like chalk.  And 2 Advil every 4 hours or so.

Dragged myself out of bed at 11:45. It was an effort, but Mike and B were coming over for lunch. Every inch of me ached, even the front of my legs. The most intrusive was my neck - couldn't move it without the ache. And my larynx, which has been a source of ache for two years, is really really sore. This is floaties day, when I see squiggles and floaties when I look anywhere - which I read is little tiny bits of your inner eye vitreus breaking off. So I keep my eyes closed a lot today. Nausea present, so just don't eat much.

Napped on and off all afternoon, B stayed and kept me company while I napped.  Listened to my Soothing Soundscapes Music channel. My thighs twitched randomly all afternoon. Pretty massive twitches. J dropped off the most ethereal bouquet of roses. Since last chemo I got persistent leg cramps at night, I made to sure down an entire bottle of Gatorade during the day, diluting it with water. Chills on and off all day. No fever. Every inch of me aches.

I was so glad when bedtime came. I made it through FRIDAY!!!! Only with the love and kindness shown by my friends and family can I do this.

Day 5 of Chemo, Saturday Sept 25

The Fourth Day after Chemo

Concept - The worst was yesterday, behind me. Now it's feeling better and better each day. Listen to what my body wants. Be gentle.


Exercise - Walked around the block twice.
 

Food- Breakfast was a peach. Lunch was Cumin Meatball Rice Soup and Iced Tea. Dinner is Chicken and Cashews. Drinking water all day yet again. Drinking a Gatorade to prevent muscle cramps. And a Bio-K CL1285 in the evening. Soups taste the best. Digestive system limping along, needing replenishment. 



Meds- L-glutamine 5 times today.   And two Advil a few times during the day.

Up at 10 AM. Usually we have lunch with Dad today, but I couldn't make for a car ride (nausea.) He understood, putting our lunch off until tomorrow. All I did today was nap, interrupted by thirty minutes here and there of sitting up and chatting with Mike or noshing. L brought over Chicken for dinner, it was great to sit up and focus for a bit on conversation. A mouth sore has developed, but not so bad. Achy and sore glands less than yesterday. Metal mouth taste diminished but still there. The front of my lower legs burn, that's funny. My feet tingle. And my legs are wobbly, I feel like Gumby. But everything is feeling better than yesterday.

Day 6 of Chemo, Sunday Sept 26

The Fifth Day after Chemo

Concept - Feeling better every day, still being gentle though.


Exercise - Just everyday moving.
 

Food - Breakfast of rice/egg concoction.  Lunch was Tomato Soup and turkey breast (at Jason's Deli) and Iced Tea. Dinner is Shepherd's Pie (mashed potatoes, ground beef and peas), salad with no dressing, Strawberry Cloud (strawberries, egg whites and cream). Drinking water all day yet again.  Bio-K CL1285 in the evening. Want protein to help out body's repair and blood cell production. 


Meds- L-glutamine 3 times today.  

Up at 10 AM. Feeling nauseous, but able to go out in car to lunch with Dad. YEAH!

Larnyx is sore, glands and overall aches are less present. Slept all afternoon, then had visitors! B and C came over bearing frozen yogurt and strawberries, L brought a new recipe of soup (ever heard of a Soup Angel, that is her nickname in my book), then E and R visited bringing dinner. What a joy to sit in our living room, catching up with friends. You know, the best support group isn't a collection of people who share your same illness. I think the best support group is your family and friends, who love you and want the best for you, and shower you with kindnesses. The facts on what to do to heal can be found out by asking questions of doctors and of those who have walked through the illness you know. It is the kindnesses of family and friends that are the true support group. I slouch on the sofa, scarf on my head and quilt over my feet, listening to all the conversation and joining in. A great day!

Day 7 of Chemo, Monday Sept 27

The Sixth Day after Chemo

Concept - Over the hump, just rest and restore the body.


Exercise - On elliptical 10 minutes, then walking in the back yard.
 

Food - Breakfast is Raisin Bran.  Lunch of Udon Shitake Mushroom Soup and Iced Tea. Snack of Mushroom Soup. Dinner is Pasta with Bolognese Sauce, salad with no dressing, Strawberry Cloud (strawberries, egg whites and cream). Drinking water all day yet again.  Bio-K CL1285 in the evening.


Meds- L-glutamine 2 times today.  

Up at 10 AM. Had no energy to do anything wild and crazy, or to do anything at all. Watched two movies (Legend of Zorro and My Super Ex-Girlfriend) which I napped during, so I missed crucial parts. Pretty funny waking up and having to figure out what happened.

All week I will stay in, maybe do one thing each day out of the house. If my body wants to rest to restore, I will let it. Being tired is frustrating, and this is such a funny tired, one I haven't felt before. But in the scheme of things, nothing at all to complain about.

It is wonderful being on the other side of chemo, with only one more to go. I started researching radiation today, need to learn about it ... ever onward and upward....

Email responses

 Hi Sara - go you! #5 kicked to the curb with just one more! You are amazing....keep up the great words, thoughts and take care of yourself - we are praying for you every day and you are not even close to alone in this fight - hang in there!
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There has never even been one nanosecond in my mind that you couldn't do this also.  You are SO SURVIVING.  With everyone around to lean on for strength, and for God's strength, oohyeah!  Will pray for your remainder of the week to go quickly and with great healing hands with you every minute!
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To be honest, your e-mail made me cry this AM.  I am praying for you, as you would like.  Your optimism makes me feel better.  Isn't it always nice that we can think about something else, i.e. the street lights.  At least for a second to give our mind a break from our worries.
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Praying for you.  I think the issue with the street lights is due to Mike's electrifying personality.   Love you, health just keeps coming towards you.
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You continue in my prayers and thoughts.  U and I were talking about you and Mike last evening.  I am sure you felt our good thoughts and words coming your way.  Your strength, focus on the positive and faith will get you through #5, and your family and friends will make it all easier.   And you have ONLY ONE LEFT!!

Bravery and positive thinking,   Two things that I am sure have and will continue to get you through with flying colors to beat the cancer out of every single place it may want to hide or stay.
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 My prayers and all good thoughts are with you today Sara and may the grace of God and peace of God that surpasses all of our understanding, be with you throughout the day and provide you with that inner peace that will see you through it all.......
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Here's a photo of a labyrinth newly created in a dear friend's yard in CT. She walked it lifting me up for healing!

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(commenting on Mike putting out street lights) My first guess is that Mike is so full of (God's) light, he doesn't need electricity! :)
My thoughts and prayers are with you.
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 I will be diligent in keeping you in my prayers -- thereby keeping you forefront in God's heart.
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We're praying for you and you'll do GREAT!!!
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Your strength and spirits sound UP!  

I love the 23 Psalm. It has always been one of my favorites since a very young age.  I hope our sons have committed it to memory but I don't think they had to memorize as we did at an early age. (Test them - LOL) Your comments about it are perfect!  We are praying for you and Mike.

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I am praying for you both right now – LOVE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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  I have been praying for you today and then so enjoyed getting your email.   God definitely has a plan for you to do awesome things!

I now know specifically what prayers are needed for you and Mike which always makes it a bit more personal to me...God already knows  : )  .  I do hope that you have a much easier time with your chemo.

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Just a note to say we are thinking of you.  Yesterday we were in church.  Our youngest son E was with us, he is 8 years old.  I remember when I was diagnosed with cancer I felt very emotional in church as I felt such a strong peace that God truly had His arms around me.  E spent about 5 extra minutes on his knees after communion.    After church I asked him if he was praying for his grandmother (who was with us and has a chronic illness) the whole time.  He said "no, other people too, like Sara Whiting".  

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Your name came up during a conversation between friends at the beach recently and I wanted to send you a note and let you know you are in our prayers for a speedy recovery!!!
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I hope yesterday’s chemo #5 went well and please know that I’m thinking about you and praying for nos. 1, 2 and 3 on your email yesterday!!!  I know in my heart that the chemo is doing its job and that God is protecting your bone marrow, nervous system and heart!!!  I’ll be lifting you and Mike up to Him today and every day until you’re well!! 

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I know you are putting up a fierce battle when you are not around, and I know when you reach that finish line, it will be one of the most glorious days of your life.

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In my crazy brain I have a jillion random sentences for you, that I have yet to pen.Here is one, After reading, actually, while reading one of your blog posts the Lord had me singing the song " I need Thee every hour" an old and simple hymn that speaks of our need for Him.

I see the Holy Spirit imparting His peace, courage and strength to you. Such a lovely way to bring Him glory.

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First I had a dream about you last night.  I don't know what it was, but it was long and we spent so much time together.  I can't help but think it's because you are on my mind and your name is on the white board I have in my office that helps me be a little more organized with my prayers.   

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On the flamingos:

HOW CUTE!  I say leave them up so you can smile every time you come home.

Lunch was fun and you look wonderful. 

WOW – I love it.  Just make sure that they don’t leave too much “Flamingo Dirt” on the lawn….it is heck getting it off the espadrilles!
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I'm so glad to hear you are through with CHEMO #5.  I continue to pray for you and Mike and know in my heart that you will be okay.  I believe you will be healed of this disease.  I believe the love you and Mike have for each other and the love you have of the Lord will get you through anything. 

It sounds like you have quite a few friends who keep you active.  You are indeed a blessed woman.  I agree with you on the 23rd Psalm.  It is actually the first thing I memorized from the Bible.

Any way, you and Mike take care of yourselves and each other and I will keep you both in my prayers.  May God be with you and Bless you Always!

 

Faith - certain of what we do not see

What is faith?

Think of this in a Christian sense, and also in an everyday secular sense.

We all seem to think we want it, if we stop and think about it. It is a positive thing. But what exactly is it we want?

What is faith?
And what is worth having faith in?

Faith in the covenant of marriage?
Faith in God and His promises?
Faith in the law of gravity?
Faith that the sun will shine on our world tomorrow?

Here's the verse from Hebrews I have loved since high school that sheds light on Faith. My two go-to chapters in the bible of all time, for all occasions, are Hebrews 11 and 12.

Faith is being sure of what we hope for a certain of what we do not see. 

Here is the dictionary definition of faith:

1. allegiance, loyalty 

2. belief in the doctrines of a religion, firm belief in something for which there is no proof, complete trust

3. something that is believed especially with strong conviction.

Throughout my Healing Adventure, which started way back in mid-April (five months ago, and still ticking), I have had the hope that I would be thoroughly healed from the cancer that had invaded  my healthy body. That God would be there with me, and we would make it through. Also, I have had the hope that I would overall be super healthy for the rest of my life, and that through this process of healing, goodness of some sort, of many sorts, would be part of the end results. These were my very general hopes.

As you know, I have had some very specific prayer requests along the way, you patient and loyal friends.

So these are my hopes, I haven't struggled finding hopes. It is for my faith that I have depended on you all, and on God, to keep strong. To increase. During all this. I have had moments, and days, when I had doubts in my faith that I would be healed. You all have carried me through, though you might not know it.  Carried me with your faith, your hope, your positive words and love. You are my cloud of witnesses, right here today!

For some of the prayer requests, for some of the hopes, you do see instant results. This really helps feed faith. May we all have eyes to see God's working in our lives!

I have seen evidence of all things working for good these days. Many evidences. I see it in the faces of you I love, in the laughter and good wishes of you I treasure. I see it in the e-mails and the sharing of stories. I see it in the four scars from surgeries/ biopsies since April. I see it in the sinus infection that went away, and in the goodness that I have been on time for the past five chemos, not hospitalized because of chemo. I see it in the bouquet composed of your acts of kindness. I see it in the people He has brought to me, each in a different way at a different time, to literally shower me with His grace. I see God's love and power everywhere. And this only makes me more certain of the gift of healing.

God is healing me, this I know.

I am trying to cooperate, this I will do.

I have a long life of living in His presence ahead of me, this I am excited about!

I thank God for all the answered prayers I have seen evidence of.

The ones I haven't seen proof of yet, I thank Him for those too.

Faith means I don't have to see the evidence to know they are answered.

Another little one - My blood pressure is usually okay to low (max 100/50). The first four chemos it was high for me (140's/ 120's). They weren't worried as I was on Dexamethasone, a steroid which they said raised blood pressure, plus isn't getting chemo in fifteen minutes something that could raise a person's anxiety level? Well, yesterday, at Chemo #5 I was 128/68. Still very high for me, I was still on the Dexamethasone and no, didn't take a tranquilizer.  It was God's peace. Your prayers, your presence, your laughter, your compassion, all showering me with God's peace. It definitely passes all understanding. I don't understand it, but I'm going with it!