I am out the other side of Chemo #5, and want to record the details. My hope is this will help someone else who is going through Chemo.
This blog was started for several reasons: a safe place for words to flow as a catharsis for me, a record of this time of cancer treatment for me to see my growth and lessons learned, an aid to anyone going through healing, and a way to reflect Glory to God of His work in my life right now.
I want you all to realize, I am no better or worse than anyone of you at walking through illness. Sometimes I listen to the still small voice speaking to my soul, and sometimes I ignore it. Each of us has the spirit to heal, and each of us has the presence of God available every second.
I, like each of you, are given the gift of life for today. I want my life today to be like clay in the potter's hand, reworked to reflect the creator's glory. It is God who has all the answers, has all the power, and knows what to do. I am just like you, trying. I fall, I get up. I fall, I get up. I look to Him. I need Him.
Each of you have had and will have amazing events in your life, some visible to all and some only known by you (and God). Sometimes you will see your impact on others' lives right away, sometimes you will never know how others are affected by your words or actions. Sometimes the whole event is about you, and sometimes it is totally about someone else. Isn't that cool?
It is God's power that heals, it is God's love that is shown through all of you.
I am just trying to cooperate.
So, what follows are the humdrum details of this week. Please don't feel you need to read them if they hold no interest.
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Day 0 of Chemo, Monday Sept 20
The Getting Ready Day
Concept - Today is prepping for tomorrow. Keeping peaceful and positive while organizing for another attack on any cancer cells left. Want to have my body is as good a shape as possible, so the healthy cells stay healthy.
Exercise - 4 laps around the Millenia Mall, which is two miles (I emailed their office to ask). I want to get some blood moving but not true exercise. Studies have now come out that say you should avoid mind and body stress for two days prior to chemo, as the stress causes your body to produce a protein that protects cancer cells from chemo. Yes, you heard it here. Of course, thinking about getting chemo is stressful in itself, but we all do what we can. At least I can minimize physically stressing out.
Food- Breakfast of Big Wood River Granola, Greek Vanilla Yogurt and some blueberries, Green Tea. Have been having this for eons it seems. Lunch of the Chicken Chop Salad at PF Changs (with friends!) Dinner is sauted artichoke hearts, garlic and onions served over Celegini mozzarella cheese balls and 2 oz of proscuitto, with some fruit and a croissant also.
Meds- taking the Dexamethasone (steroid) that Dr. M prescribed, which hypes me up but also is an anti-inflammatory I understand. The only other things he lets me take now are my nightly psyllium, magnesium, calcium, and D3. Oh, and two weeks ago he said okay to taking B-12 shots. And I can take an Ambien at night if I really need help sleeping.
The Boys Scouts motto of "Be Prepared" rings true today. I try to get all my ducks in a row so I can float as peacefully as possible the rest of the week. Spend time paying all the bills, answering all emails. Visit my Dad and sort out his pills for the next three weeks, neaten up his apartment.
Got all my stuff ready to go to chemo. Put out my IPAD with headphones, a cooler for ice cubes and a popsicle, a light pashmina. Wrote down on post-it notes who was bringing meals when, and who was driving me where and when all week long. Downloaded 4 of Bernie Siegel's Healing Meditations onto my IPAD. Tore seven pages out of a book, which is a written meditation to read during chemo I found this week. It specifically guides you to look at chemo as healing you. Wrote an email out to all my loyal friends asking for prayers tomorrow, and for specific prayers.
This morning, I went through visualizing every part of me healing, and praying for this healing. Meditated on Psalm 23, thinking about every verse in detail. Reading "Jesus Calling" by Sarah Young as my daily devotional.
A neighbor threw a cocktail party, with his visiting sons entertaining us with an Improv show. We went for one and a half hours, then I crashed. Wearing the wig. I napped in the afternoon for three hours, but there still comes a point in the evening when the brain and body start slowly shutting down. Can't process thoughts, start to get the clammy feeling you get when you are weak. It was great to be out and seeing neighbors though. I definitely wasn't this tired early in chemo. The effects are cumulative.
Day 1 of Chemo, Tuesday Sept 21
The Day of Chemo
Concept - Stay positive, be gentle on my body.
Exercise - Nothing intentional, just doing daily activities.
Food - Breakfast is 365 Frosted Mini Wheats - want something delicious and whole grains. Lunch is PF Changs' Gluten-Free Ginger chicken with well cooked broccoli and brown rice. Lots of tea and water. Lots. Probably asked for 6 refills. Took a to-go cup with me to chemo. Ate a mango popsicle when they started the Taxotere. Dinner is sauteed chicken, spinach and pasta, croissant and salad with no dressing. And watermelon. Watermelon tastes really good. And I drink a Bio-K CL1285 in the evening.
Meds- Taking the Dexamethasone as directed. At chemo they spray my port with Pain Ease, then first give me in pre-meds in the IV - Benedryl, Dexamethasone, a drug for esophagus spasms (first time I got this, and I can't remember the name), and Aloxi for nausea, and of course the IV bag to clear out the port (which is in my right arm). Then after these ran through, I got the Taxotere and then after that, the Cytoxan. Taking 5 tsp of L-Glutamine throughout the day, to protect my nerve endings. Before bed, because my digestive system will stop processing today, I take a Colace and a Sennakot.
Today, for some reason, Mike and I are both awake at 3 AM. I am on this steroid that hypes you up. My mind is naturally thinking about my 1:30 chemo appointment. I get out of bed, bake muffins, make some gazpacho for Thursday.
I go back to bed at 6 AM. I linger in bed as long as I want. Praying and meditating. Letting my mind wander. I read the day's devotional and then I think. I recite Psalm 23 and let my mind wander on each verse. I visualize healing. I am getting set up for the day, putting on the armor of God, preparing for healing to happen. Being in God's presence is the most important part of today's preparation. Just being with Him.
Went to the baseball office at 10 AM, went over some of the current events. At PF Changs at 11:15 with my nine friends. What a joy! I am pretty chatty, having trouble concentrating on the conversations as my mind is playing hopscotch. Main thing, I drink in the smiles and laughter. We talk about ear lobe lifts and nourishing soup and pole dancing for exercise and keeping the Sabbath holy.
Home to a surprise-a-rooni. S and S have placed fifty nine pink plastic flamingos alongside our driveway. CAN YOU BELIEVE IT! What a hoot! I jump out of the car and walk among them. I love it. Just love it! They look so kooky in our yard. Just perfect, I can't stop smiling! I have no idea of who did this!
Then to Dr. M with Mike, driving through the flamingos. They are running later than ever. I now know to tell the nurse to take my blood pressure with a wrist cuff on my left wrist, and to take blood for blood work from my right arm inner elbow, but don't use a tourniquet because I have a port near my elbow. I wear a short sleeved t-shirt so the port is easily accessible.
My blood work is all good. Red blood cells slightly low, just slightly. White blood cells and platelets normal. How wonderful that is!
I have four questions for Dr. M, and I write them down on the single sheet they have me fill out each time, a sheet which asks for any negative comments on each group of symptoms. When Dr. M comes in, he says How are you doing? I say, Happy to be here! He looks at my sheet, and we go over the issues. It was a good idea to write down my questions, they were answered. Now I know he is a better visual than auditory processor. These visits are less than five minutes each, he doesn't sit down. Looks at sheet of paper, answers questions, checks my heart, leaves.
1. Can we do anything about the nausea except Phenergan (which puts me to sleep)? He says, other anti-nausea drugs cause headaches, take the Phenergan and sleep.
2. Can we do anything about Thurs PM to Sat PM swollen glands, achy joints and muscles? He says that is how chemo makes you feel, take two Advil every four hours.
3. Can I do anything about my red blood count being low? He said it is fine, just barely low. Don't worry.
4. The symptoms of Inflammatory Breast Cancer showed up again after Chemo 4 then receded (swollen, red), even though the biopsy showed I don't have it. Do IBC symptoms come and go? Could biopsy be wrong? No, if it were IBC it wouldn't swell and redden then recede. If the swelling and redness lasts over 2 days, call him.
Okay then.
Into the waiting room, waiting for an IV lounger to open up. Quite crowded today. I get called back about 2:30, they start it up right away with the pre-meds. I keep my feet and hands out of the blanket, because that will give them slightly less chemo and I am trying to prevent CIPN (Chemically Induced Peripheral Neuropathy) which is tingling due to injury to the myelin of your hands's and feet's nerves. I drink water after water, and once the Taxotere and Cytoxan are going in, I suck on ice chips and cubes, again to reduce slightly the chemo to my mouth, which in turn reduces mouth sores and metallic taste in mouth.
I turn on my IPAD and put in my headphones. Listening to Handel's Water Music, first I pray. Lifting up Mike, Corey, Mack, Tray. Dad and Mac. Lifting up others. Then myself. It is such a compassionate, healing atmosphere in the chemo room, I think. It's the people that make it that way.
For the first time, I read a guided imagery written for chemo, about 30 minutes. Fantastic. Guides me through relaxing all muscles, then the chemo drugs flowing through my body from top of head to tip of toes removing any cancer, then protecting my healthy cells, then thankfulness. Then I doze off. Awake and asleep, on and off until finished. Picturing my body being washed with clear, pure chemo-drugs water, picturing this water flowing and eddying everywhere, getting any and all errant cells out of there.
I'm out of there at 5:30, back home. We reheat the delicious dinner waiting on the kitchen counter. We eat and then take a slow walk around the block with our basset hound Sporty. Relax and in bed by 9 PM. Watched a Seinfeld episode before bed. Still hyped up on the steroids, but tired from the events of the day. The train has left the station....
Day 2 of Chemo, Wednesday Sept 22
The First Day after Chemo
Concept - Stay positive and gentle on my body. The steroids make me feel jittery, my body has the chemo drugs in it so it is a little startled. I want to help my healthy cell's stay healthy and wash out the dying cancer cells.
Exercise - 2 laps around the Millenia Mall, driven down there by a friend. I don't quite trust myself to drive, everything seems to be happening so fast around me. My mind is a little foggy and sluggish. I enjoy hearing my two friends talk, and I contribute some.
Food- Breakfast of 365 Cherios. Lunch is Thai Crunch Salad at California Pizza Kitchen and Iced Tea. Afternoon snack of Matzo crackers. Dinner is baked chicken and squash and berries. Drinking water all day, I would say I consume a gallon of water, with slight flavorings (Pom juice, Gatorade, lemon). And I drink a Bio-K CL1285 in the evening. Warm water and lemon or warm chamomile tea feel so soothing to drink.
Meds- L-glutamine 5 times today. And since my digestion system has stopped, I take a Colace and a Sennakot before bed.
Awake at 10AM, I stay upstairs in prayer and thought. Just heavenly.
Different than prior times, my cheeks are rosy all day long. I have asked for prayer protecting my bone marrow, and here it is. I am getting plenty of oxygen! The symptoms of IBC are there just like the days after the last two chemos, red and swollen left breast, but I know I don't have it.
I go to the Millenia Mall with B and L, walk two times around and then break for lunch. That is one mile. I am spacey, and it takes quite an effort of concentration to listen to the conversation. But I enjoy it. I am hyped up yet tired. My body alternates between wanting to fall asleep instantly and having my heart race and blood pulse so loud I hear it in my ears.
When back from the Mall, I lie down at 2 PM. I can't fall asleep, but am too tired to read or focus on a television show. I listen to the Peaceful Soundscapes, Channel 434, and let my mind drift. Repeat Psalm 23 and roll each verse over in my mind. My body is fighting a battle, I can tell. My heart rate zooms randomly. Exhausted yet hyper at the same time.
Not nauseous at dinner time, but not hungry. My eyes feel tired. The port is very tender and bruised. At bedtime I can feel my joints and glands start to get sore. It feels great to lie down and fall asleep. I want to help my lymph system drain, as my lymph nodes and everything was very tender and sore and achy last time, so I sleep on two pillows on my back, to let the lymph in my neck drain a little better. Woke up three times during the night, went right back to sleep.
Day 3 of Chemo, Thursday Sept 23
The Second Day after Chemo
Concept - Gentle on the body, keep water flushing through to help the kidneys and liver and lymph system all do their job.
Exercise - None, I am exhausted.
Food- Breakfast of Greek Vanilla Yogurt and Granola and blueberries. Lunch is Gazpacho and almonds at home, and Iced Tea. Dinner is soup, slice of turkey and sweet potato. Drinking water all day, I would say I again consume a gallon of water, with slight flavorings (Pom juice, Gatorade, lemon - mainly lemon). And I drink a Bio-K CL1285 in the evening. Soups taste the best. I stay away from anything fatty, it has no appeal. My digestive system is still very sluggish, so no fats or anything difficult at all to digest. The warm water with lemon and chamomile tea are still favorites. Very soothing.
Meds- L-glutamine 5 times today. Neulasta shot (increase bone marrow's production of blood cells.)
Up at 10:30 AM to get Neulasta shot, getting a ride, and then back to the house directly to nap until lunch. I greedily lie on the little white sofa in the living room, under the quilted comforter, every chance I get. Seriously, I come in from the doctor's at 11 AM and fall right asleep.
Mike, Corey and B have lunch here, and I fall asleep after lunch. I put on one of Bernie Siegel's Healing Meditation tapes, and drifted. Very relaxing and positive, guided imagery of healing. Even though it's 90 outside, I feel cold.
Acupuncture at 2, driven by B. We do a minimum of points, not wanting to add stress to my body. Two for nausea, then liver, kidney, spleen, and lymph drainage. So peaceful lying there. I asked months ago when I started acupuncture, Could I listen to an IPOD while the needles did their work? What was I thinking. Forty five minutes of peace and prayer and focusing on my body healing. It goes by in a snap. Often I fall asleep. I love it.
Back home at 3:30, and off to sleep again. My mouth starts to taste metal, my feet are starting to tingle. My calves and neck are starting to be sore and ache, glands tender. By dinner I eat very little and just want to lie down listening to Soundscapes soothing music, very soft. Loud voices or television shows grate me like fingernails on chalkboard. My cheeks were rosy!
There was a roach in my bathroom this evening, and it freaked me out. I can say I have never been this scared of a roach. For some reason it scared me. To the point of crying. Sat on the side of the bathtub, staring at the roach crawling across the bathroom counter and sobbed. I didn't want to touch it. I wanted someone, anyone but me, to get that thing out of there. In Florida, roaches are a part of life. We all have them. Normally I would be the one who gets the magazine and WHOMP kills it in one thump. I couldn't handle it tonight. Who would have guessed?
Day 4 of Chemo, Friday Sept 24
The Third Day after Chemo
Concept - Let my body repair. All the dead cells from chemo are flushing out, and my body knows it. The digestive system has had a chemical peel, the lymph glands are swollen because they are doing their job. My joints and muscles ache all over, they have been hit sideways by the chemo and need to repair. Everything is tender to the touch. So today is pamper the body, gently.
Exercise - None, I can't even think of exercise.
Food- Breakfast was a pear. Lunch was chicken broth, egg and lemon (Avgolemono Soup) and Iced Tea. Dinner is soup and a small bit of pasta w tomato sauce. Drinking water all day yet again. And a Bio-K CL1285 in the evening. Soups taste the best. Digestive system limping along, needing replenishment.
Meds- L-glutamine 5 times today. I mix it with just a few teaspoons of water and drink it like a shot. It takes like chalk. And 2 Advil every 4 hours or so.
Dragged myself out of bed at 11:45. It was an effort, but Mike and B were coming over for lunch. Every inch of me ached, even the front of my legs. The most intrusive was my neck - couldn't move it without the ache. And my larynx, which has been a source of ache for two years, is really really sore. This is floaties day, when I see squiggles and floaties when I look anywhere - which I read is little tiny bits of your inner eye vitreus breaking off. So I keep my eyes closed a lot today. Nausea present, so just don't eat much.
Napped on and off all afternoon, B stayed and kept me company while I napped. Listened to my Soothing Soundscapes Music channel. My thighs twitched randomly all afternoon. Pretty massive twitches. J dropped off the most ethereal bouquet of roses. Since last chemo I got persistent leg cramps at night, I made to sure down an entire bottle of Gatorade during the day, diluting it with water. Chills on and off all day. No fever. Every inch of me aches.
I was so glad when bedtime came. I made it through FRIDAY!!!! Only with the love and kindness shown by my friends and family can I do this.
Day 5 of Chemo, Saturday Sept 25
The Fourth Day after Chemo
Concept - The worst was yesterday, behind me. Now it's feeling better and better each day. Listen to what my body wants. Be gentle.
Exercise - Walked around the block twice.
Food- Breakfast was a peach. Lunch was Cumin Meatball Rice Soup and Iced Tea. Dinner is Chicken and Cashews. Drinking water all day yet again. Drinking a Gatorade to prevent muscle cramps. And a Bio-K CL1285 in the evening. Soups taste the best. Digestive system limping along, needing replenishment.
Meds- L-glutamine 5 times today. And two Advil a few times during the day.
Up at 10 AM. Usually we have lunch with Dad today, but I couldn't make for a car ride (nausea.) He understood, putting our lunch off until tomorrow. All I did today was nap, interrupted by thirty minutes here and there of sitting up and chatting with Mike or noshing. L brought over Chicken for dinner, it was great to sit up and focus for a bit on conversation. A mouth sore has developed, but not so bad. Achy and sore glands less than yesterday. Metal mouth taste diminished but still there. The front of my lower legs burn, that's funny. My feet tingle. And my legs are wobbly, I feel like Gumby. But everything is feeling better than yesterday.
Day 6 of Chemo, Sunday Sept 26
The Fifth Day after Chemo
Concept - Feeling better every day, still being gentle though.
Exercise - Just everyday moving.
Food - Breakfast of rice/egg concoction. Lunch was Tomato Soup and turkey breast (at Jason's Deli) and Iced Tea. Dinner is Shepherd's Pie (mashed potatoes, ground beef and peas), salad with no dressing, Strawberry Cloud (strawberries, egg whites and cream). Drinking water all day yet again. Bio-K CL1285 in the evening. Want protein to help out body's repair and blood cell production.
Meds- L-glutamine 3 times today.
Up at 10 AM. Feeling nauseous, but able to go out in car to lunch with Dad. YEAH!
Larnyx is sore, glands and overall aches are less present. Slept all afternoon, then had visitors! B and C came over bearing frozen yogurt and strawberries, L brought a new recipe of soup (ever heard of a Soup Angel, that is her nickname in my book), then E and R visited bringing dinner. What a joy to sit in our living room, catching up with friends. You know, the best support group isn't a collection of people who share your same illness. I think the best support group is your family and friends, who love you and want the best for you, and shower you with kindnesses. The facts on what to do to heal can be found out by asking questions of doctors and of those who have walked through the illness you know. It is the kindnesses of family and friends that are the true support group. I slouch on the sofa, scarf on my head and quilt over my feet, listening to all the conversation and joining in. A great day!
Day 7 of Chemo, Monday Sept 27
The Sixth Day after Chemo
Concept - Over the hump, just rest and restore the body.
Exercise - On elliptical 10 minutes, then walking in the back yard.
Food - Breakfast is Raisin Bran. Lunch of Udon Shitake Mushroom Soup and Iced Tea. Snack of Mushroom Soup. Dinner is Pasta with Bolognese Sauce, salad with no dressing, Strawberry Cloud (strawberries, egg whites and cream). Drinking water all day yet again. Bio-K CL1285 in the evening.
Meds- L-glutamine 2 times today.
Up at 10 AM. Had no energy to do anything wild and crazy, or to do anything at all. Watched two movies (Legend of Zorro and My Super Ex-Girlfriend) which I napped during, so I missed crucial parts. Pretty funny waking up and having to figure out what happened.
All week I will stay in, maybe do one thing each day out of the house. If my body wants to rest to restore, I will let it. Being tired is frustrating, and this is such a funny tired, one I haven't felt before. But in the scheme of things, nothing at all to complain about.
It is wonderful being on the other side of chemo, with only one more to go. I started researching radiation today, need to learn about it ... ever onward and upward....
Monday, September 27, 2010
Saturday, September 25, 2010
Soap Bubble
I am comfortable and peaceful, floating in a soap bubble.
I am encased in a transparent soap bubble. You know how soap bubbles contain all the colors in their translucent shell, well this one does too. I can see through it, at the same time the colors in the bubble are breath-taking. Magical. I am peaceful just watching the bubble around me.
It's strong enough to hold me, just floating along. I am not worried it will break.
It flexes when I sift positions. There are soft cushions to lay on. I have all the room I want to stretch out, to move about.
I can see out perfectly, can hear the noises from outside muffled. Very pleasant. Conversations. Laughter.
It smells fresh and clean inside, well oxygenated air.
It is sunny outside, but I 'm not hot, I am surrounded by the perfect temperature, and so relaxed I might just fall asleep here.
Or sometimes it is starry out. When it is night around my bubble, and I see the twinkling stars and the fireflies. I stand up and try to touch them, but that's silly, the stars are too far away.
My soap bubble is held aloft by hands. Hands of family, of friends, and of people I don't even know. I can't really see everyone's face, just their hands lifted high, bopping me and my soap bubble along. All the people with the upraised hands are happy, chatting with each other, hopping up to get their hands to touch the bubble, giving me little taps to keep the bubble going, gentle taps.
Everyone does their lifting and bopping. Like the Cameron Crazies at Duke, jumping all game, rotating from the front row up to the last row when they tire out, letting others jump up and down. So students are jumping all game for the Duke players.
All together, my bubble stays afloat and light and airy and it keeps moving forward. Sometimes faster, sometimes slower.
This is what I have been picturing these last few days, me in a soap bubble. Haven't intended to, it just has been what I have been picturing Thursday and Friday when I nap.
While at acupuncture Thursday, I daydreamed. The soap bubble was floating in a lowly lit fog, and it was even more restful. I could picture healing breaths of air coming into my bubble, surrounding me and coursing through me healing me from chemo's actions. It was the moist, verdant feel of a rain forest, with no scary animals. Lots of growth.
While napping yesterday, my soap bubble floated over green meadows like Ireland has, over the grass of the low country of South Carolina, and over villages that looked like they are in a Thomas Kinkade painting.
My bubble settled in a grassy-watery area like the south Florida Everglades, floated slowly down the water, and then rested sticking to the grass of the side, letting the slow lazy river flow by. That's where I left it.
You all lifted me up and carried me through these past few days.
Your messages, your food, your prayers, your flowers, your driving, your books, your laughter.
This is the substance of prayer, of kindnesses.
I couldn't do this without each and all of you.
Thank you.
I am encased in a transparent soap bubble. You know how soap bubbles contain all the colors in their translucent shell, well this one does too. I can see through it, at the same time the colors in the bubble are breath-taking. Magical. I am peaceful just watching the bubble around me.
It's strong enough to hold me, just floating along. I am not worried it will break.
It flexes when I sift positions. There are soft cushions to lay on. I have all the room I want to stretch out, to move about.
I can see out perfectly, can hear the noises from outside muffled. Very pleasant. Conversations. Laughter.
It smells fresh and clean inside, well oxygenated air.
It is sunny outside, but I 'm not hot, I am surrounded by the perfect temperature, and so relaxed I might just fall asleep here.
Or sometimes it is starry out. When it is night around my bubble, and I see the twinkling stars and the fireflies. I stand up and try to touch them, but that's silly, the stars are too far away.
My soap bubble is held aloft by hands. Hands of family, of friends, and of people I don't even know. I can't really see everyone's face, just their hands lifted high, bopping me and my soap bubble along. All the people with the upraised hands are happy, chatting with each other, hopping up to get their hands to touch the bubble, giving me little taps to keep the bubble going, gentle taps.
Everyone does their lifting and bopping. Like the Cameron Crazies at Duke, jumping all game, rotating from the front row up to the last row when they tire out, letting others jump up and down. So students are jumping all game for the Duke players.
All together, my bubble stays afloat and light and airy and it keeps moving forward. Sometimes faster, sometimes slower.
This is what I have been picturing these last few days, me in a soap bubble. Haven't intended to, it just has been what I have been picturing Thursday and Friday when I nap.
While at acupuncture Thursday, I daydreamed. The soap bubble was floating in a lowly lit fog, and it was even more restful. I could picture healing breaths of air coming into my bubble, surrounding me and coursing through me healing me from chemo's actions. It was the moist, verdant feel of a rain forest, with no scary animals. Lots of growth.
While napping yesterday, my soap bubble floated over green meadows like Ireland has, over the grass of the low country of South Carolina, and over villages that looked like they are in a Thomas Kinkade painting.
My bubble settled in a grassy-watery area like the south Florida Everglades, floated slowly down the water, and then rested sticking to the grass of the side, letting the slow lazy river flow by. That's where I left it.
You all lifted me up and carried me through these past few days.
Your messages, your food, your prayers, your flowers, your driving, your books, your laughter.
This is the substance of prayer, of kindnesses.
I couldn't do this without each and all of you.
Thank you.
Thursday, September 23, 2010
Email responses
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There has never even been one nanosecond in my mind that you couldn't do this also. You are SO SURVIVING. With everyone around to lean on for strength, and for God's strength, oohyeah! Will pray for your remainder of the week to go quickly and with great healing hands with you every minute!
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To be honest, your e-mail made me cry this AM. I am praying for you, as you would like. Your optimism makes me feel better. Isn't it always nice that we can think about something else, i.e. the street lights. At least for a second to give our mind a break from our worries.
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Praying for you. I think the issue with the street lights is due to Mike's electrifying personality. Love you, health just keeps coming towards you.
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You continue in my prayers and thoughts. U and I were talking about you and Mike last evening. I am sure you felt our good thoughts and words coming your way. Your strength, focus on the positive and faith will get you through #5, and your family and friends will make it all easier. And you have ONLY ONE LEFT!!
Bravery and positive thinking, Two things that I am sure have and will continue to get you through with flying colors to beat the cancer out of every single place it may want to hide or stay.
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My prayers and all good thoughts are with you today Sara and may the grace of God and peace of God that surpasses all of our understanding, be with you throughout the day and provide you with that inner peace that will see you through it all.......
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Here's a photo of a labyrinth newly created in a dear friend's yard in CT. She walked it lifting me up for healing!
(commenting on Mike putting out street lights) My first guess is that Mike is so full of (God's) light, he doesn't need electricity! :)
My thoughts and prayers are with you.
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I will be diligent in keeping you in my prayers -- thereby keeping you forefront in God's heart.
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We're praying for you and you'll do GREAT!!!
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Your strength and spirits sound UP!
I love the 23 Psalm. It has always been one of my favorites since a very young age. I hope our sons have committed it to memory but I don't think they had to memorize as we did at an early age. (Test them - LOL) Your comments about it are perfect! We are praying for you and Mike.
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I am praying for you both right now – LOVE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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I have been praying for you today and then so enjoyed getting your email. God definitely has a plan for you to do awesome things!
I now know specifically what prayers are needed for you and Mike which always makes it a bit more personal to me...God already knows : ) . I do hope that you have a much easier time with your chemo.
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Just a note to say we are thinking of you. Yesterday we were in church. Our youngest son E was with us, he is 8 years old. I remember when I was diagnosed with cancer I felt very emotional in church as I felt such a strong peace that God truly had His arms around me. E spent about 5 extra minutes on his knees after communion. After church I asked him if he was praying for his grandmother (who was with us and has a chronic illness) the whole time. He said "no, other people too, like Sara Whiting".
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Your name came up during a conversation between friends at the beach recently and I wanted to send you a note and let you know you are in our prayers for a speedy recovery!!!
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I hope yesterday’s chemo #5 went well and please know that I’m thinking about you and praying for nos. 1, 2 and 3 on your email yesterday!!! I know in my heart that the chemo is doing its job and that God is protecting your bone marrow, nervous system and heart!!! I’ll be lifting you and Mike up to Him today and every day until you’re well!!
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I hope yesterday’s chemo #5 went well and please know that I’m thinking about you and praying for nos. 1, 2 and 3 on your email yesterday!!! I know in my heart that the chemo is doing its job and that God is protecting your bone marrow, nervous system and heart!!! I’ll be lifting you and Mike up to Him today and every day until you’re well!!
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I know you are putting up a fierce battle when you are not around, and I know when you reach that finish line, it will be one of the most glorious days of your life.
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In my crazy brain I have a jillion random sentences for you, that I have yet to pen.Here is one, After reading, actually, while reading one of your blog posts the Lord had me singing the song " I need Thee every hour" an old and simple hymn that speaks of our need for Him.
I see the Holy Spirit imparting His peace, courage and strength to you. Such a lovely way to bring Him glory.
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First I had a dream about you last night. I don't know what it was, but it was long and we spent so much time together. I can't help but think it's because you are on my mind and your name is on the white board I have in my office that helps me be a little more organized with my prayers.
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On the flamingos:
HOW CUTE! I say leave them up so you can smile every time you come home.
Lunch was fun and you look wonderful. WOW – I love it. Just make sure that they don’t leave too much “Flamingo Dirt” on the lawn….it is heck getting it off the espadrilles!
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I'm so glad to hear you are through with CHEMO #5. I continue to pray for you and Mike and know in my heart that you will be okay. I believe you will be healed of this disease. I believe the love you and Mike have for each other and the love you have of the Lord will get you through anything.
It sounds like you have quite a few friends who keep you active. You are indeed a blessed woman. I agree with you on the 23rd Psalm. It is actually the first thing I memorized from the Bible.
Any way, you and Mike take care of yourselves and each other and I will keep you both in my prayers. May God be with you and Bless you Always!
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
Faith - certain of what we do not see
Think of this in a Christian sense, and also in an everyday secular sense.
We all seem to think we want it, if we stop and think about it. It is a positive thing. But what exactly is it we want?
What is faith?
And what is worth having faith in?
Faith in the covenant of marriage?
Faith in God and His promises?
Faith in the law of gravity?
Faith that the sun will shine on our world tomorrow?
Here's the verse from Hebrews I have loved since high school that sheds light on Faith. My two go-to chapters in the bible of all time, for all occasions, are Hebrews 11 and 12.
Faith is being sure of what we hope for a certain of what we do not see.
Here is the dictionary definition of faith:
1. allegiance, loyalty
2. belief in the doctrines of a religion, firm belief in something for which there is no proof, complete trust
3. something that is believed especially with strong conviction.
Throughout my Healing Adventure, which started way back in mid-April (five months ago, and still ticking), I have had the hope that I would be thoroughly healed from the cancer that had invaded my healthy body. That God would be there with me, and we would make it through. Also, I have had the hope that I would overall be super healthy for the rest of my life, and that through this process of healing, goodness of some sort, of many sorts, would be part of the end results. These were my very general hopes.
As you know, I have had some very specific prayer requests along the way, you patient and loyal friends.
So these are my hopes, I haven't struggled finding hopes. It is for my faith that I have depended on you all, and on God, to keep strong. To increase. During all this. I have had moments, and days, when I had doubts in my faith that I would be healed. You all have carried me through, though you might not know it. Carried me with your faith, your hope, your positive words and love. You are my cloud of witnesses, right here today!
For some of the prayer requests, for some of the hopes, you do see instant results. This really helps feed faith. May we all have eyes to see God's working in our lives!
I have seen evidence of all things working for good these days. Many evidences. I see it in the faces of you I love, in the laughter and good wishes of you I treasure. I see it in the e-mails and the sharing of stories. I see it in the four scars from surgeries/ biopsies since April. I see it in the sinus infection that went away, and in the goodness that I have been on time for the past five chemos, not hospitalized because of chemo. I see it in the bouquet composed of your acts of kindness. I see it in the people He has brought to me, each in a different way at a different time, to literally shower me with His grace. I see God's love and power everywhere. And this only makes me more certain of the gift of healing.
God is healing me, this I know.
I am trying to cooperate, this I will do.
I have a long life of living in His presence ahead of me, this I am excited about!
I thank God for all the answered prayers I have seen evidence of.
The ones I haven't seen proof of yet, I thank Him for those too.
Faith means I don't have to see the evidence to know they are answered.
Another little one - My blood pressure is usually okay to low (max 100/50). The first four chemos it was high for me (140's/ 120's). They weren't worried as I was on Dexamethasone, a steroid which they said raised blood pressure, plus isn't getting chemo in fifteen minutes something that could raise a person's anxiety level? Well, yesterday, at Chemo #5 I was 128/68. Still very high for me, I was still on the Dexamethasone and no, didn't take a tranquilizer. It was God's peace. Your prayers, your presence, your laughter, your compassion, all showering me with God's peace. It definitely passes all understanding. I don't understand it, but I'm going with it!
As you know, I have had some very specific prayer requests along the way, you patient and loyal friends.
So these are my hopes, I haven't struggled finding hopes. It is for my faith that I have depended on you all, and on God, to keep strong. To increase. During all this. I have had moments, and days, when I had doubts in my faith that I would be healed. You all have carried me through, though you might not know it. Carried me with your faith, your hope, your positive words and love. You are my cloud of witnesses, right here today!
For some of the prayer requests, for some of the hopes, you do see instant results. This really helps feed faith. May we all have eyes to see God's working in our lives!
I have seen evidence of all things working for good these days. Many evidences. I see it in the faces of you I love, in the laughter and good wishes of you I treasure. I see it in the e-mails and the sharing of stories. I see it in the four scars from surgeries/ biopsies since April. I see it in the sinus infection that went away, and in the goodness that I have been on time for the past five chemos, not hospitalized because of chemo. I see it in the bouquet composed of your acts of kindness. I see it in the people He has brought to me, each in a different way at a different time, to literally shower me with His grace. I see God's love and power everywhere. And this only makes me more certain of the gift of healing.
God is healing me, this I know.
I am trying to cooperate, this I will do.
I have a long life of living in His presence ahead of me, this I am excited about!
I thank God for all the answered prayers I have seen evidence of.
The ones I haven't seen proof of yet, I thank Him for those too.
Faith means I don't have to see the evidence to know they are answered.
Another little one - My blood pressure is usually okay to low (max 100/50). The first four chemos it was high for me (140's/ 120's). They weren't worried as I was on Dexamethasone, a steroid which they said raised blood pressure, plus isn't getting chemo in fifteen minutes something that could raise a person's anxiety level? Well, yesterday, at Chemo #5 I was 128/68. Still very high for me, I was still on the Dexamethasone and no, didn't take a tranquilizer. It was God's peace. Your prayers, your presence, your laughter, your compassion, all showering me with God's peace. It definitely passes all understanding. I don't understand it, but I'm going with it!
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
Flamingal Forest
Returned from lunch right before Chemo #5 and found a Flamingal Forest lining both sides of our driveway. HOW CRAZY IS THAT!
Whoever did this, you got nothing but basket...
You know how to put a smile on someone's face, and spark laughs and giggles. I couldn't resist walking around in them. I'm going to keep them up for awhile, they bring some snappy color to the house as I have neglected our summer-beaten-down annuals.
Every kindness that has happened today and yesterday - kindnesses from friends, lunches, flamingos, dinners, mall walks, phone calls and emails and prayers prayers prayers - has made today the best chemo ever. I was peaceful this morning, had a good conversation with Dr. M. I had five questions written down and we covered them all. I was still the last patient done with chemo (I'm a slow dripper), but I am used to that now. And I listened to a healing meditation while getting chemo, by Bernie Siegel, just so relaxing. I love visualizing the chemo working, my body healing.
Off to lie down and smile over today. Life is beautiful.
PS did you get it, Flamingos are PINK!!!!
Chemo #5 - How and Why
That being said, Mike and I were both awake at 4:30 AM, stretching our backs, talking about Psalm 23, just talking. So I decided to bake blueberry-mango-walnut muffins (as I won't want to smell cooking for at least a week), and he decided to go out for his pretty much daily walk around the lake. Three and a quarter miles.
Totally off the subject - There are about eighty street lights on this walk around the lake, and seventeen went out as he approached them this morning. Does this ever happen to you? It ALWAYS does to Mike. We walk Sporty around the block, pass fifteen streetlights around our block, and three to five will go out every time. Out for just a few minutes, then back on. Ideas?
Back on track...
Dear dear friends, could you pray:
1. That all the renegade cancer cells in my body be killed and swept out by the chemo drugs today, and by my white blood cells
2. For protection for my healthy body from chemo's side effects, particularly my bone marrow and nervous system and heart.
3. That Mike be comforted and guided by God's presence in his life. (he has a lot on his plate, including me.)
Thank you for your steadfastness in prayer for us. I wrote in an earlier blog, this is the twenty mile mark of a marathon. It is definitely tiresome. But it is not me who needs to be strong, I just need to know where my strength comes from... PHEW!
I am just breathless from all of your kindnesses! Two mall walkings with L and B, then PF Changs lunch with D and S, I think they have lunched with me on the Monday before all 5 chemos... isn't that cool?
Today I have PF Changs lunch with some more loyal friends, and then chemo #5... Wednesday B is in charge of me, taking me to mall walk then CPK lunch is the plan. Thursday Corey and B and Mike take over, then Friday I think I will just stay put. What a wonderful week... Oh did I mention soup and dinners delivered all week? I am a PRINCESS, that's what I feel like!
How and Why.
I have forever been fascinated with the HOW of things, not quite as much the WHY. Oh I would like to know the WHY, but I do know that there are some WHY's I just won't know here on earth. I'll be darned if I let that worry me. But the HOW, that's another story. Wanting to know the HOW is what fueled my lifelong fascination with science. Don't you just look around and wonder - HOW did that get that way, HOW was it made, HOW do I get to my goal, HOW did that happen?
How did I get Invasive Ductal Carcinoma Stage 2?
How, I have some thoughts. And this in no way is laying blame on anyone, including not on me or God. And I am not a doctor. Just my thoughts.
It is a thought in the Cancer World that some event happened about two years before a cancer is large enough to diagnose. That event is traumatic for you, and you need to process it for healing to take place thoroughly, probably forgiveness is involved. Yep, two years ago I can pinpoint two events where I needed to forgive myself and others. Unforgiveness and stress put so much pressure on your soul that your immune system isn't functioning at top speed. It isn't able to kill the random mutant cells we all have a handful of in our bodies at any given time. Most most most of the time our immune system pretty easily zaps them. Not when you are under heavy stress, or carrying baggage.
I went to Fr. D at our old church, asked him to help me pray for forgiveness. He did. I have not asked for someone to pray with me often. I know each of us has a line straight to God's ear and we don't need others to pray. But sometimes there is an issue so weighty or confusing that I know I will benefit from someone who has been down this road before, helping me out. Ministers really do care about each of us. They aren't just the guys (or gals) leading the Sunday services. The other six days of the week they care about us too.
Also, we ( me and a series of doctors) have been trying to figure out for two years why I had all of a sudden growths on my thyroid glands. Well, I started out at a doctor that specialized in woman's hormones, she put me on thyroid medicine for the first time, and also on a very high level of estrogen, progesterone, and some other hormones.
When she did blood work, she wanted my estrogen and progesterone to be above the normal levels, which I questioned. She was adamant, that the normal levels cited on the lab sheet were too low. So she put me on much higher doses of estrogen and progesterone etc. Said that would improve all my hormone levels (including thyroid). This was new to me. Looking at my family history, heart disease has been an issue. No one has had breast cancer. So she wanted to protect my heart more than worry about breast cancer.
It was compounded estrogen and progesterone, which I now know meant there wasn't good quality control in the actual amounts I was getting. I tell you, my breasts were sore and tender for weeks. This concerned me, so I asked her. She said it was the normal reaction. After six months I switched to another doctor, I had been sore and tender for too long and I wasn't comfortable with the hormones overall.
The Invasive Ductal Carcinoma I had was determined to be both estrogen and progesterone fed. I'm not a doctor but it seems pretty clear to me that the large doses of hormones encouraged a little cancer spot that my body might have removed on its own, to break out of the milk duct walls and spread to the surrounding tissue, and then to the lymph node. We all have a few cancer cells in us, our body's immune system zaps them.
So there I was, needing to forgive, stressed out, and pumped up with hormones. I have forgiven, and am enjoying time of quiet when I ask the Lord to search me and find all else that needs dealing with. Why didn't I deal with those issues right away? Instead I put them in a box, up on a shelf for processing in a future date. I was too busy. (NEVER DO I WANT TO SAY THOSE WORDS AGAIN AS AN EXCUSE FOR ANYTHING.) That is our normal reaction, too busy to deal with the soul issues thoroughly.
I have said the before, and I bet I will say this again. Why do we spend so little time each day tending to the one part of us that is going to last for eternity, our souls? Today's success orientated society looks askance at people who just think, who take time to relax, who aren't on the fast track, who can look at the ocean for hours on end. Meditation. Prayer? That's time getting to know God. Talking to Him. And we squeeze it in early morning and late evening.
Mike and I are slowly redirecting to reduce stress. Don't need to jump, just slowly.. It's a process.
I am off the hormones as of when I had the biopsy. Love the hot flashes (they remind me I am not feeding cancer anymore!!!)
With all that being said, I also think there is an element of, It just happened. Somethings good, or bad, just happen because that is the way the universe is rolling. I don't want to place blame on me or anyone for any cancer. It is far far far more important what you do after you are diagnosed, I feel.
Why did I get Invasive Ductal Carcinoma Stage 2?
I absolutely know that God didn't give me this cancer. He doesn't do things like that. He is good, all the time.
I absolutely know that He is using this time to redirect me towards Him. To calm me down, get the busy out of my life so I can listen to Him and learn. Learn who I am to be, what I am to do, what parts of me that need to change. And also, just rest. Restore. Relax. Renew. Redirect. Re-devote. Re-evaluate. Recognize. Refresh. All the re's...
The WHY isn't finished being answered. You see some good outcomes in the Monday Morning quarterback mode. Inside and afterward, you can see so much positive coming out of this.
I might sound wacky, but my body does has such intelligence. It knows what it needs, if I listen. Perhaps my eyes and thoughts needed to be turned inside for my long term good. I wasn't doing that on my own. Survival is a powerful force.
I want to figure out how to get all the positive, without the cancer next time! That's my assignment, how to live in God's presence every day, all day long. How to listen to His voice, and let Him restore my soul, every day. He wants to, I know that.
The 23rd Psalm is awesome. More on that in a later blog. The part that is germane to this entry is that at first God talks about restoring ME (verses 1 -3a), then after my soul is restored, He will guide me down those paths of righteousness for His name's sake. Yep, got to get right with God before you can go out and do His work. Sometimes getting right with God is walking through the valley of the shadow of death. It's worth it.
So this is redirecting me for whatever He wants. I knew from the beginning that God is stirring Mike and I up, and well, let's see what happens!
Everyone who has and is showering Mike and I with kindness, you all have had sadness and difficulty. You know, you get it. Thank you so much for making our days full of light and laughter and all things good, through this sometimes rocky adventure... THANK YOU!!!!
Do not believe that he who seeks to comfort you lives untroubled among the simple and quiet words that sometimes do you good. His life has much difficulty... Were it otherwise he would never have been able to find those words. Rainer Maria Rilke
Saturday, September 18, 2010
Flown by
Flown by. The past three weeks have flown by.
Ever feel like time is a train, a high speed train that is zooming ahead and you are a passenger, holding on for dear life?
I blinked my eyes, and it is the weekend before Chemo again.
I have moments of fear, that this one will be difficult in its aftermath. Then I say - NO NO NO, that is not the attitude to have! Be positive, this one will be even a smidgen easier that #4... and look, I made it through #4 and am here typing, aren't I?
One of my top ten verses right here. I thought of this as I woke up this morning and I picked it apart. I know that if I read commentaries, they would give me insights into this verse that would be great, but I really like just thinking about a verse over and over, what it says to me. What is revealed to me. Try it today...
For God - It starts with Him. He is the driving force, He is the creator of all, and knows the owner's manual for me. Actually He WROTE the owner's manual. He will be with me every second of this week.
gave us a spirit not of fear - Right here He says, fear isn't of Him. Aha, so it is a little demon creeping into my mind, or trying to creep in. When I physically don't feel great, or there is a real trial up ahead, this little demon wants to jump in. Clever, but not clever enough.
but of power - The Spirit God gives me is powerful, powerful enough to say to that little demon, Be gone, I am not going to dwell with you here, and it will go. Powerful enough to rest in God. When you have a project and you have completed it, and you know it succeeds, then you are confident in your ability. This is how we are to be, confident in the power given us by God to overcome anything that bumbles our way in this path of righteousness we are walking. If we slip, if we veer off the path, if we change directions, He is powerful enough to bring us back.
and love - Oh the most important of all. I thought this morning, when you love someone and are acting out that love in your words or thoughts or actions, you are thinking of THEM. In loving others, you are turning the focus of your life to them, and away from you. It is so freeing! "She had a spirit of love", wouldn't you love to have those words alone on your tombstone (not soon of course.) Love is a word we bat around all the time. Think on it when you are next in your thinking mode. I don't want to be the clanging gong, I want to be the healing and uplifting love to others.
and of self-control - At first, this one doesn't seem to fit. I get the spirit of power and love, but this spirit of self-control gets all practical on you. Nuts and bolts practical. But I can see, with the mammoth concepts of a spirit of power and love, you need to reign it in and accomplish something. We are not given power and love to do nothing. We are equipped with power and love so that we might see God more clearly, and then get going however HE wants us to in helping Him in kingdom work down here on earth. The self control might be to use the power and love in the manner He wants.
And then, a little different thought, the self control could be for me to control the input into my brain so that I am looking to Him, focused on Him, and dwelling with Him. It takes self-control to not go down the fear path. There are SO MANY little side branches from the path I am walking down with God. Some of them
look so much like the one I am on that you don't know its a branch at first. Self control to stay in His presence, to keep trusting that He is God even when I don't see the evidence at that moment. To do the things to keep me there. To choose to be there. He will do the work, guide me. I just need to ask Him.
If you are wondering where these photos are from, I'll tell you. Building our home in 2009, Mike and I would come over during that 11 month period most weekends, walk through and see the progress. One weekend we decided to bring our bible, and write verses on the walls before they were dry walled or finished off.
Ever feel like time is a train, a high speed train that is zooming ahead and you are a passenger, holding on for dear life?
I blinked my eyes, and it is the weekend before Chemo again.
I have moments of fear, that this one will be difficult in its aftermath. Then I say - NO NO NO, that is not the attitude to have! Be positive, this one will be even a smidgen easier that #4... and look, I made it through #4 and am here typing, aren't I?
One of my top ten verses right here. I thought of this as I woke up this morning and I picked it apart. I know that if I read commentaries, they would give me insights into this verse that would be great, but I really like just thinking about a verse over and over, what it says to me. What is revealed to me. Try it today...
For God - It starts with Him. He is the driving force, He is the creator of all, and knows the owner's manual for me. Actually He WROTE the owner's manual. He will be with me every second of this week.
gave us a spirit not of fear - Right here He says, fear isn't of Him. Aha, so it is a little demon creeping into my mind, or trying to creep in. When I physically don't feel great, or there is a real trial up ahead, this little demon wants to jump in. Clever, but not clever enough.
but of power - The Spirit God gives me is powerful, powerful enough to say to that little demon, Be gone, I am not going to dwell with you here, and it will go. Powerful enough to rest in God. When you have a project and you have completed it, and you know it succeeds, then you are confident in your ability. This is how we are to be, confident in the power given us by God to overcome anything that bumbles our way in this path of righteousness we are walking. If we slip, if we veer off the path, if we change directions, He is powerful enough to bring us back.
and love - Oh the most important of all. I thought this morning, when you love someone and are acting out that love in your words or thoughts or actions, you are thinking of THEM. In loving others, you are turning the focus of your life to them, and away from you. It is so freeing! "She had a spirit of love", wouldn't you love to have those words alone on your tombstone (not soon of course.) Love is a word we bat around all the time. Think on it when you are next in your thinking mode. I don't want to be the clanging gong, I want to be the healing and uplifting love to others.
and of self-control - At first, this one doesn't seem to fit. I get the spirit of power and love, but this spirit of self-control gets all practical on you. Nuts and bolts practical. But I can see, with the mammoth concepts of a spirit of power and love, you need to reign it in and accomplish something. We are not given power and love to do nothing. We are equipped with power and love so that we might see God more clearly, and then get going however HE wants us to in helping Him in kingdom work down here on earth. The self control might be to use the power and love in the manner He wants.
And then, a little different thought, the self control could be for me to control the input into my brain so that I am looking to Him, focused on Him, and dwelling with Him. It takes self-control to not go down the fear path. There are SO MANY little side branches from the path I am walking down with God. Some of them
look so much like the one I am on that you don't know its a branch at first. Self control to stay in His presence, to keep trusting that He is God even when I don't see the evidence at that moment. To do the things to keep me there. To choose to be there. He will do the work, guide me. I just need to ask Him.
If you are wondering where these photos are from, I'll tell you. Building our home in 2009, Mike and I would come over during that 11 month period most weekends, walk through and see the progress. One weekend we decided to bring our bible, and write verses on the walls before they were dry walled or finished off.
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
The Twenty Mile Mark
I saw a saying on a poster I liked, Blessed are the flexible for they shall not be bent out of shape. It follows what Mike and I talked about yesterday. How to reduce the stress our lives a little. We have been focusing on simplifying our lives for five years now. As many of you know, the getting rid of our beloved home and all its contents wasn't our choice (water/mold damage), but it did start us on the road to simplifying our lives.
Now we are just floating out there the idea of reducing stress in our lives in the future. Yoga comes up.
We had a really nice visit with Fr. J yesterday. I think of this as preventative counseling. We have met with him four times since my cancer diagnosis, just to help me and Mike and the two of us talk about whatever we want to talk about.
Some thoughts I'm bringing forward from our chatting and our dinner afterward (Hollerbach's Willow Tree Cafe in Sanford, the BEST schnitzel this side of the Atlantic):
1. To forgive someone when they don't ask for it, sometimes it helps to think of them as lost on their path. Whatever their path may be. We are all lost sometimes, and hurts aren't always meant to hurt us.
2. Living in the moment. Doesn't mean don't think only in the moment. It is really okay, and a good thing, to be responsible and plan ahead. Just LIVE in the moment. I never could figure that out. This makes sense.
3. Some of our statements as adults have roots from childhood. I tell Mike he is taking good care of me (he is.) He says he is trying. I say, you are not only trying but succeeding. To him, trying is an A+, and the succeeding part isn't the point. The trying is the process and it conveys that you keep improving. Now I get it, I think.
4. I need affirmation from friends and family. I need it. I think this is a weakness in me. I think I should look more to God for my self-worth, or have a healthier sense of my value as a person, as a being (not a do-ing.) I am working on that (HA, what irony.) But I really crave friends and family connecting with me.
This is more difficult when you are constantly tired, because I am not spending much time out of the nap or sleep state, I am not involved in all the activities that allow me time with my friends and family. And I have the normal responsibilities to graciously manage in my awake time (mainly this house, my Dad and Mike's Dad.)
Everyone's life is busy. And I can tell you I am really not as much fun to be with as I was six months ago.
So you are the loyal and devoted friends and family who still text me, call me, email me, feed me, take me mall walking, take me to appointments. You are so loyal and kind and the very definition of loving.
5. I have hit the twenty mile mark of my marathon. My eyes are dry and itchy, my left arm is a bit swollen (lymphedema), my left hand has one nerve that is still not happy from the surgery. My head aches a little, I know I can't think as well as before. My stomach is finally settled after two weeks and today my nose is running like a broken faucet (what is that about?) My wig feels too tight after an hour and I get out of breath walking to the car. I randomly get chills and also randomly my heart starts racing. This week I have six good peppy hours a day, then I nap. I am not saying all this to complain, just that this is the twenty mile mark.
I am trying not to worry about Chemo #5. I want to protect my bone marrow, nerve endings, heart. I don't want to feel as bad as I did the last time. I'm trying to figure out how to do this.
6. Kindness comes from everywhere. I visited Dad today, sorted out his pills in one of those weekly AM/PM pill containers, then he walked me back to my car. I told him I felt like this was a marathon and I was at the twenty mile mark. He's seventy nine, and we have noticed that after years of being foggy and slow, he is now cheery, more peppy, making jokes and complimenting me. We have reduced his medicines. But today it occurred to me, he is being cheery for me!
When my mom died in 2001, Dad grieved. Then he became a teenager again, dating and just plain having fun. He had a blast. Then he had a car accident five years ago, then several strokes, and went from party animal to old old man. At that point, once I asked him what specifically what I could do for him. He said, whenever you see me, be cheery. I got it. Don't be depressed in front of him because he is not able to do what he could, that old age is creeping up. Be cheery and loving and upbeat, as I am the most intimate interaction he has during the week. So I have been.
So now, when his only child is facing cancer, he is no longer foggy and sad and critical. He is being cheery for me. (He's had two cancers, parotid gland tumor when he was thirty five and melanoma when he was fifty eight.) He has told me that finally I am as bald as he is. Thank you for doing his pills. That I look cute in my scarf. He greets us with a smile and a clever remark on Saturdays when we go to lunch. I am tearing as I type this. You see, I am just over flooded with kindnesses from every corner. And they all add up to a beautiful bouquet!
Now we are just floating out there the idea of reducing stress in our lives in the future. Yoga comes up.
We had a really nice visit with Fr. J yesterday. I think of this as preventative counseling. We have met with him four times since my cancer diagnosis, just to help me and Mike and the two of us talk about whatever we want to talk about.
Some thoughts I'm bringing forward from our chatting and our dinner afterward (Hollerbach's Willow Tree Cafe in Sanford, the BEST schnitzel this side of the Atlantic):
1. To forgive someone when they don't ask for it, sometimes it helps to think of them as lost on their path. Whatever their path may be. We are all lost sometimes, and hurts aren't always meant to hurt us.
2. Living in the moment. Doesn't mean don't think only in the moment. It is really okay, and a good thing, to be responsible and plan ahead. Just LIVE in the moment. I never could figure that out. This makes sense.
3. Some of our statements as adults have roots from childhood. I tell Mike he is taking good care of me (he is.) He says he is trying. I say, you are not only trying but succeeding. To him, trying is an A+, and the succeeding part isn't the point. The trying is the process and it conveys that you keep improving. Now I get it, I think.
4. I need affirmation from friends and family. I need it. I think this is a weakness in me. I think I should look more to God for my self-worth, or have a healthier sense of my value as a person, as a being (not a do-ing.) I am working on that (HA, what irony.) But I really crave friends and family connecting with me.
This is more difficult when you are constantly tired, because I am not spending much time out of the nap or sleep state, I am not involved in all the activities that allow me time with my friends and family. And I have the normal responsibilities to graciously manage in my awake time (mainly this house, my Dad and Mike's Dad.)
Everyone's life is busy. And I can tell you I am really not as much fun to be with as I was six months ago.
So you are the loyal and devoted friends and family who still text me, call me, email me, feed me, take me mall walking, take me to appointments. You are so loyal and kind and the very definition of loving.
5. I have hit the twenty mile mark of my marathon. My eyes are dry and itchy, my left arm is a bit swollen (lymphedema), my left hand has one nerve that is still not happy from the surgery. My head aches a little, I know I can't think as well as before. My stomach is finally settled after two weeks and today my nose is running like a broken faucet (what is that about?) My wig feels too tight after an hour and I get out of breath walking to the car. I randomly get chills and also randomly my heart starts racing. This week I have six good peppy hours a day, then I nap. I am not saying all this to complain, just that this is the twenty mile mark.
I am trying not to worry about Chemo #5. I want to protect my bone marrow, nerve endings, heart. I don't want to feel as bad as I did the last time. I'm trying to figure out how to do this.
6. Kindness comes from everywhere. I visited Dad today, sorted out his pills in one of those weekly AM/PM pill containers, then he walked me back to my car. I told him I felt like this was a marathon and I was at the twenty mile mark. He's seventy nine, and we have noticed that after years of being foggy and slow, he is now cheery, more peppy, making jokes and complimenting me. We have reduced his medicines. But today it occurred to me, he is being cheery for me!
When my mom died in 2001, Dad grieved. Then he became a teenager again, dating and just plain having fun. He had a blast. Then he had a car accident five years ago, then several strokes, and went from party animal to old old man. At that point, once I asked him what specifically what I could do for him. He said, whenever you see me, be cheery. I got it. Don't be depressed in front of him because he is not able to do what he could, that old age is creeping up. Be cheery and loving and upbeat, as I am the most intimate interaction he has during the week. So I have been.
So now, when his only child is facing cancer, he is no longer foggy and sad and critical. He is being cheery for me. (He's had two cancers, parotid gland tumor when he was thirty five and melanoma when he was fifty eight.) He has told me that finally I am as bald as he is. Thank you for doing his pills. That I look cute in my scarf. He greets us with a smile and a clever remark on Saturdays when we go to lunch. I am tearing as I type this. You see, I am just over flooded with kindnesses from every corner. And they all add up to a beautiful bouquet!
Saturday, September 11, 2010
Choose Joy
This is the twenty-first year of Book Lunch.
Friday at the end of our meeting at Cafe de France (fantastic chicken and spinach crepes, salad, creme brulee) we took a photo. Unfortunately some had already left, but I forgot to take it before we starting our drifting back into real life...
The twenty-first year of the Lucky Thirteen (there are fourteen of us, we counted wrong when we thought up that title. Okay, we read and think, we aren't so great at counting...)
The twenty-first year of us meeting one Friday a month to discuss a book we have read, what the author was trying to say, how it changed our thinking, amongst other conversation. Sometimes we add a Wine on Wednesday, movie night, or overnight getaway. The attendance ebbs and flows like the tide, we all travel.
I think it is fair to say each of us fourteen have had ups and downs in our lives through the years. We have had parents and family with illnesses, and some pass away. Kids grow up and leave the home, some come back to live at home. Kids graduate from high school, college, get married, get jobs, go back to school. Our husbands work, we work. We vacation. Three of us are breast cancer survivors (I am soon to be the fourth.)
After a summer off, it was the very definition of comfort to be sitting at a table with these ladies. The collective personality of this group is strong and alive to me. So we talked a little about me, not too much I hope.
One question resonated with me all day, I thought about it ever since. J asked, Is it hard to always be so positive?
I answered, Yes, sometimes it is hard. That's okay. Not often though. Most most most of the time it is the way I am.
I have moments such as Friday night a week ago where, after the tough physical day and I was upstairs at the end of the day sitting on the ottoman in my closet. I put my head in my hands and cried, Why does this have to be so hard? Cried for two minutes.
Mike sat down next to me. Don't remember what he said (sorry Mike, but that proves it isn't ever the exact words someone says that counts, as much as how the moment impacts your heart) but I remember vividly feeling his love and unconditional support, added to that of my kids from the fantastic evening. Then I stood up, said, Okay, that's past. Now onward and upward.
Without Mike, without the evening of Mack, Tray, Corey... well, that moment would have been so much harder. So much harder. Not impossible though. But harder. God was right there sitting on the ottoman with me as well. It is just easier for me when His love is shown through physical humans.
Or middle of the night, I am up and thinking... I repeat Psalm 23, slowly. I remember words of encouragement sent my way. I talk to God.
It is a choice to be positive. A daily choice. Some days I have to make it a dozen times.
But those moments of fear are fewer and farther between now, very few. Very far between. God has grown my faith in healing and His presence is so big in this whole cancer adventure. I acknowledge fear and doubt when they pop up, but I try to stop them in their tracks and don't let them grow. I choose to grab them and throw them up to God, let Him deal with it.
I will wander a bit here, thoughts on Joy, Positive choices, etc.. I hope I don't sound preachy.
Choose. That's what it comes down to for me. I can't choose my emotions, but I can choose my thoughts. And our thoughts feed our emotions. I have decided to not let those negative, fearful thoughts that creep in once in a while grow. I choose to choke them out immediately. Choke them out intentionally with positive messages.
I am not ignoring or denying my situation. I know God is healing me thoroughly, and I am doing my best to cooperate, using main stream medicine and any alternative medicine they allow me now (which is acupuncture, as anything else taken into my body might mess up the chemo.) I am choosing to stay in the positive about it. I don't want to waste a single day of life not living in joy.
Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus. 1 Thess 5
Always be full of joy in the Lord. Phil 4
But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law. Gal 5
We are told by the Bible over and over to choose joy.
Joy is a gift of the Spirit living in us, so we are to make our lives a fertile ground for the Spirit to live and grow. For me, this is a continual learning process. I do better some days than others. The days I do best are the ones where I open myself up to God's presence more fully than others. Why don't I do this every day? I don't know.
Joy is intermingled with being thankful. I don't know much more about that, but just that they are two sides of the same coin.
Joy is different than happiness. Happiness depends on your situation. Joy comes from within. Someone said years ago in a bible study - Happiness can come from an ice cream cone, Joy comes from love.
Why and when did I make this choice to stay in the positive, in joy? I don't know. I do know that I have always known it is your attitude towards your surroundings that is important, far more than your surroundings.
I had a good childhood, not the most fun but it had a lot of good in it. As with us all, there were many things about it I would have liked to not experience. But it is those tough times that let me see that I had a choice as to how I react. And they made me who I am today.
I read a biography on Ronald Regan... He said he was thankful one of his parents was an alcoholic, as it made him who he was today, and he was President at the time. So my thought process is nothing new. And I don't have any desire to be President, just in case you were wondering where that line of thought was going.
The first place we lived when we were married, just graduated from college, was a small town in Texas. Mike and I both worked at a chemical plant. It was a dry county, small town of ten thousand people. I was light years away from my home and family in Pennsylvania, and from the energy and friends of college. There weren't many women working in my department. And there weren't many Yankees. The guys in the plant were polite, most of the time, especially when they needed something from me. But I didn't really fit in.
I couldn't wait to leave. Couldn't wait.
When we moved to Florida, four years later, it hit me. I didn't live every day fully in Texas because I was always waiting to move on. I had fun days, made friends, became a mom, grew spiritually, lots of good things happened in Texas, but I was always waiting to leave, like I was never settled. Just passing through. When I move, THEN I can settle down and enjoy life. Then I will blossom and grow.
So it hit me, I don't want to live that way. I don't want to hurry any day through. Each one has twenty four hours, I choose joy for all twenty four.
All my friends and family, you are crucial to my joy. So is the quiet time I spend with God. Reciting the Psalms (I am really enjoying repeating Psalm 23 over and over.) Praying and wandering through the bible. Just wandering. It is a really good read.
You will show me the path of life;
In Your presence is fullness of joy; Psalm 16
Staying in God's presence... that brings me joy.
What lasts forever? Our spirits, our souls. And how much time each day do you spend nourishing your soul?
Just a question.
I choose Joy, I choose to stay in God's presence.
This is why I am thankful my body had cancer.
God in His ever knowing efficiency is using this moment to gently turn my eyes back towards Him. I have the chance to stop running and accomplishing, to lie down and be still. He will restore my soul. So that I might know that He is God.
PS. I have been thinking after writing this blog, there's a very important point I forgot to mention. If you want to be of the sort who chooses joy, ask God to help you change your way of thinking. He wants to.
It won't happen in an instant, but over time.
And personally, I keep asking Him to be present and to open my eyes to see as He sees. It is a process. I still have to work at choosing to stay positive.
And if you don't believe in Him, or that He would do something as change your mental processing, ask Him anyway. Just because you don't believe in Him, doesn't mean He doesn't exist.
Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Romans 12
PPS. Last Post Script I promise. I know every person reading this has the capacity to charge through and beat any obstacle they find in their path. You and God. I know this!
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
Green Pasture
I am lying by a stream. Lying on my left side on the bright green, soft grass besides a stream. Under birch trees, with filtered light.
I am on the south bank, the stream is coming from the east behind me, softly flowing. Like streams from artesian springs in Harbor Springs Michigan running into Lake Michigan, or the streams along the golf course in Sun Valley Idaho. I can reach out and touch the other side of the stream.
The water is crystal clear and cool. As the stream passes me, it makes an acute angle turn to the left, so I am lying on a V-shaped little promontory of the pasture. The water slows down below me, makes an eddy. Through the still water I can see the bottom of this little stream. It is filled with the smooth round stones of years of water, brown and golden and taupe. All sizes, all shapes.
I am really comfortable. I am completely healthy, and resting as if I just ran a few miles (this is a dream) and then plopped down here to catch my breath. My body feels strong and exercised. My head is propped up on my left arm, I am looking over towards the other side of the stream.
Jesus appears, sitting down on the bank right opposite me. In white linen robes. He is relaxed and comfortable sitting there, as if He is going to stay for awhile. Not a quick visit. He looks at me and smiles.
I am not surprised to see Him. I am happy and curious and content. As if this is a daily occurrence, that He would come to visit with me.
I go to sit up and he tells me- stay resting. So I do.
Then I think, but this is rude to not sit up while talking with Him, He is Jesus, so I go to sit up again and he says, Stay resting, I am your friend. I get the idea, this is two friends sitting on either side of a stream talking. Relaxed conversation. No rush.
A blue butterfly flits by me. On my side of the stream, stopping here and there at wildflowers. I watch it as it becomes part of our little group.
A cow walks up from the pasture behind Jesus, stops at Jesus' right shoulder. A brown and white cow, peaceful and gentle. She looks at me with those huge cow eyes. Tail flicking back and forth. I say, I would really like a sheep. Jesus continues smiling at me, and the cow continues her gentle gazing at me. I say again, Could you have this be a sheep instead of a cow, because I like sheep a lot and don't I get to choose? It stays a cow.
I try again to get up and He puts out His hand, says - Stay resting. I will do this. I will heal you. I will do the work.
I am really happy to hear this. I am certain He is in control and He will tell me if or when I need to do anything. So I will rest and listen to Him.
I tell Jesus, Why are you doing all this for me? He says, You are worth it.
I say, Why am I worth all this? He responds, Because I created you.
End of dream.
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I don't always remember my dreams. This one I remember so clearly, I remember the colors as vivid as real life in the bright noon sun. I remember the words, and the funny part where I wanted a sheep to appear and one didn't.
I am not a Jungian dream analyst. I have read some on dream analysis and symbols. Bottom line, sometimes I think about a dream I have had and it makes sense. I do look up some obvious symbols, like the butterfly in this dream. Some dreams, I have no idea what they mean.
Some back story on this one. Before going to sleep, I was talking with God about the choice for two more chemos, should I do it? I had asked God to give guidance to Dr. M to make this decision, and Dr. M says do two more. He was very clear on this. So I was saying to God, did you really give Dr. M guidance?
Why do we do this? Ask God to do something, then doubt He did it?
So I asked God for confirmation, for peace that this is the path He wants me to take with healing.
I wake up the next morning, having had this dream.
The butterfly, in dream symbols, foretells transformation / rebirth.
The cow to me symbolized motherhood. I take the cow in my dream as my mother looking on me lovingly.
Water is symbolic of emotions, and this was peaceful, clear, cleansing water.
The sheep request, I have to add, is funny. It was like watching THE OFFICE where they talk to the viewer directly once in a while. Yes, I think sheep are great. I have happy memories of seeing them all over Ireland. My favorite Psalm is 23 (the Lord is my shepherd.)
A few weeks ago, M, S and B were all in our living room, and we were talking about sheep. S and B both grew up on farms, and think they are dumb, smelly animals. They tried to convince me of this, and I tried to convince them they are intelligent, cuddly creatures. Of course, I had very little facts to support my case. It was so funny.
It doesn't matter to me, love is blind, I think they are fluffy and adorable.
In my mind, I am visualizing my body healing.
The chemo drugs are that clean, clear water washing through and taking out any cancer cells.
Then my White Blood Cells are sheep that meander through and eat any errant cancer cells.
The cancer cells look like fish eyes. The sheep (which in my imagination are fluffy and white and clean and smiling) rub against the insides of my organs and leave soothing lanolin to protect my heart, etc from damage.
This dream felt so real, so comfortable, so comforting.
He is restoring my body, He will restore my soul.
Monday, September 6, 2010
Details of Chemo #4 - Love is present!
I am a strong willed person. The Friday after Chemo #4 at noon, it took all of my will to get up out of bed. This noon moment Friday was the worst physically I felt of all this adventure.
I am also a person constantly amazed and thankful at how joy can bubble up when you least expect it. The Friday after Chemo #4 after dinner, I could not stop a few tears of joy as I lay on the sofa listening to all four of my family in the kitchen cleaning up after dinner, for a full forty five minutes, laughing and talking and laughing. This after dinner moment Friday was the best moment for my spirit of all this adventure, one of the top ten moments of my whole life perhaps!
You know how you want to capture a moment, put it in a bottle so you can open it up in the future to savor it again? That was Friday night. The sound of laughter. Laughter is just the best thing ever. When you hear it, it is contagious. It comes in waves. Peals of laughter.
And each of them has a different laugh, I know their sounds so well. These were belly laughs, some put your head back and let it out laughs, stop what you are doing and turn and look and laugh.
I was exhausted from sitting up at the dining table for thirty minutes, so after we ate a delicious meal cooked by a dear friend, I shuffled to my sofa in the living room, got under my quilt and let my heart race on while my body just sank into stillness. Mack, Tray, Corey and Mike all were cleaning up. I could hear the tone of their voices in the kitchen. Couldn't make out any words, just the tone, like someone talking under water. I could hear the dishwasher opening, the sink being turned on to rinse, the refrigerator door opening, storage containers being taken out, plastic wrap drawer opening up. You know the sounds of your own kitchen, I could picture each of them in there. Someone eating one more spoonful of mashed potatoes, someone else tossing the plastic wrap box up in the air and catching it while talking.
One or two of them were talking at a time, then a slight hesitation, and one laughs first, then they all laugh. It quiets down, the conversation(s) start up again, and another wave of laughter. A follow up comment, and another wave of laughter. It went on and on. Not an efficient clean up operation, but that wasn't the point. It was a family, it was love. And I was just soaking it in.
How can you not just lie there thanking God that He has given you this family? I thought of how Mike and I met in a physics lab in college. Two nerdy kids. And how God had patience with us to bring us together (I'll tell that story later, for those of you who don't know). Then came Mack, then Corey. Two awesome sons. Mack brought us Tray. An awesome daughter. They are thoughtful, kind, with loving hearts and they act out their compassion. Look, they all came to dinner last night (Mack and Tray from Asheville) to wrap their arms around Mike and I and love us.
So, on the worst day came the best moment. Isn't God just so cool to do that? He knew I needed it right then. God provides. He provides even when we don't ask.
I will tell you, I am writing this Monday. I have been really too tired to sit and type until now. And I didn't realize the worst/ best moment connection until yesterday (Sunday.) I didn't realize it Friday night, I was just surviving. I didn't realize it Saturday, still surviving. And Sunday I was rebuilding. Sorting through the weekend. Mack and Tray left for home Sunday, I was still tired. As all things go, I was sad to have them leave, missed them and Corey and the upbeat atmosphere of having so many people who love us here in the house. That's human nature, to be missing them so intensely then. I burst into tears at one point to Mike Sunday night, why does this have to be so hard? A few minutes of tears and hugs, and then its so cool, God reaches down and picks us up and we are embraced by His loving arms. As in Psalm 23, He restores my soul.
What causes this joy, this happiness, this peace, this contentment?
It is the gift of presence. That's what I think. It is not just quality time, or saying the perfect words. It is not anything about being perfect. It is about the presence of love. The presence of God. The presence of those who love you. The presence of kind messages, thoughtful gifts, food, prayers.
It is the gift of presence of love.
We are not perfect, so our love will not be perfect. But you and I both know when love is evident. When love is being offered and given freely, with no thought to what is gotten back in return. Even though love is never perfect, it is the MOST WONDERFUL THING!!!
That's what I was feeling Friday night, the presence of love.
Mack and Tray decided to surprise Mike and drive down for a two night visit,from Asheville, with their bulldog Dwight Howard. I was in on this surprise, and tried my best to keep it a surprise. I think I did! They arrived at lunchtime Friday, walked into our house while Mike and I were sitting at the dining table. (Mike had come home from work to see me at lunchtime.) He was so surprised, he jumped up and hugged them and you know those times, you all keep repeating how you planned it and here they are and as parents, we just keep staring at them and smiling... these are our kids and look how they are adults and so darned mature and caring! I slept all afternoon, Corey joined us for dinner, and, well, you know the rest of Friday night's story...
Saturday was watching college football, me napping on and off. Some of Corey's friends were down from Atlanta, asked if they could just say hello. Isn't that amazingly wonderful? So I had another five minutes of hugs and encouragement. Taylor joined in, and I was able to nap on the sofa, hearing Mike, Mack, Corey, Tray and T all talk about all that football stuff.
Just being here. With my kids and husband.
Is this the joy God feels when we are with Him?
I have heard some people say they just don't know what to say or do, but they wish me well. No one knows for sure what the right word or action is. We are all guessing to a certain extent. Some guesses are more educated than others. The point is, show love in your words and actions. And the bigger point is, it is the LOVE that matters, not the words or the action. Sometimes it is just being there with someone that matters. Or leaving an encouraging message. God will guide you.
I have been so comforted by repeating Psalm 23 over and over and over. David doesn't fear evil in the valley because of what? for you are with me. Simply God being with him is enough.
Well, God is with each of us, every second of every day. His presence is right here. He never leaves us, neither slumbers nor sleeps, watches over us. He waits for us to turn to Him, He whispers to us, guides us.
We can feel the presence of His love, more perfect than that of my family laughing in the kitchen, every moment of our lives. We just need to listen for it.
Just have to show this photo. This is Howard, waiting at the bottom of the stairs for Tray or Mack to descend. He can sit like this for an hour waiting. That's how much he wants just to be with them.
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Details of Chemo #4 for those who want to know...
This was the hardest one on my body, and I have been actively thinking of how to make Chemo #5 easier on me. I have some ideas.
But yes you read that correctly! I will do two more. My blood counts are doing well. My White Blood Count are normal, my Red Blood Cells are slightly, tiny bit below normal. So Dr. M's advice was to do 6. Onward and upward we go!
I was floating on the laughter and prayers of friends Tuesday, having had lunch with 7 fantastic friends at PF Changs before chemo. I fell asleep during chemo for the first time, was so tired I couldn't keep my eyes opened and I started slurring my words while sitting there! Nurses are so kind. It makes sense to me to keep my feet and hands cold, to minimize nerve damage there similar to eating ice chips to minimize mouth sores. So I kept my feet and hands out of the blanket. Falling asleep, I didn't keep my mouth cold and I have had metal mouth, which is going away. It tastes like I am biting down on a bicycle handlebar, not that I would know what that feels like.... Delicious dinner with M and J enfolding us with love.
Wednesday I did my Millenia Mall walk with L, M and B. Great Thai Crunch Salad at CPK, and then home to nap. Thursday I had the Neuplasta shot and acupuncture in the afternoon, ferried by L. Feeling very tired in the afternoon. Friday I just couldn't get up. Every inch of my muscles ached, my lymph nodes were all tender and sore, headache, nausea present. I know this will pass, you just have to get through it. Right through it, through the middle. I drank lots of water with slight flavor (lemon, pomegranate, mango), did my L-glutamine powder, took an Epsom Salt bath for the muscle aches. Saturday was better, Saturday night I had the restless legs during the night, where your leg muscles just want to flex constantly. Only one night. Sunday I was even better, Mack and Tray provided a delicious dinner, and here we are on Monday, I've been sitting up for 2 hours, only slight aches, lymph nodes barely tender. Okie-dokie, we are going to get revved up for the next one! Corey is bringing dinner tonight, and we will watch Boise State versus Va Tech. A perfect evening!
For Chemo #5, I think I will not exercise as much on Thursday, just do gentle walking. And eat milder food Thursday night, so my digestive system is ready for Friday. I am downloading Anne Lamott's book Grace Eventually/ Thoughts on Faith so I can listen to that all day Friday (keeps me distracted and upbeat.)
Most importantly, I am asking God to relieve the side effects for Chemo #5, that my body will stay healthier while the chemo is attacking and whisking away any errant cancer cells left in my body. My prayers with yours, we have this one in the bag!
Thank you dear ones, your loyalty takes my breath away. MUCH LOVE, sara
Sunday, September 5, 2010
Email responses
Friends, I have pasted in here some email responses from you all. THANK YOU for each and every one of them, each word, each thought, each prayer. And the phone messages and cards. I love them all.
I want you all to know that I am not super-brave or extra-courageous or anything other than each of you are. It is God's strength, and all your kindnesses which are showing His love, that lift me up. literally!
My grace is enough; it's all you need.
My strength comes into its own in your weakness. 2 Cor 12
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I don't share my poem with people when they are first diagnosed, however I could tell from you are blog you will "get" it. I found peace in it after my cancers. May God's peace continue to keep you strong.
What Cancer Can Do For You
It changes your life.
Your priorities change.
You learn patience.
You appreciate what you had.
You learn to accept what you don’t have.
Your awareness level changes.
You admire those with strength.
You have compassion for the weak.
You’re thankful for the simple things.
Your time becomes precious.
You learn what is important.
You learn to depend on others.
You value loved ones and friendships.
You appreciate the beauty in nature.
You learn to trust in God.
It can be quite an awakening experience.
It can come and go at anytime.
You can choose how to live with it.
K- A Surviving Cancer Patient 2003
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Thank you for sending me the update on your treatment. God meets us wherever we are. I know for me, when I am on the mountain top I am overwhelmed by His presence. When I am in the wilderness. I am overwhelmed by His absence. One situation in utter awe, the other in pure dependence. There's much to learn either way.
I will keep you in my prayers.
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Getting to the last one? Happy days! It will be tough, but you are doing so well. Take care of yourself -- there is an end. I just visited w/a neighbor who said one of her greatest pleasures was shaving her legs again!
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All summer my prayers have included you and your family. I am so thrilled that you and your family have done so well!
Any way I know your family has been well cared for this summer...thanks be to God! Just wanted to let you know I love you.
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Prayers work miracles and I pray the Holy Spirit guides you and Mike! Love ya Lady! Hope you're feeling great very soon!
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we will certainly pray for more good news….. will be thinking of you, especially tomorrow.God bless,
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you are the strong trooper for sure ... I am so impressed with your positive attitude ... your strong beliefs will carry you through this ordeal .... (with just a little help from famil)
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I've got your back, as they say. You are in my prayers.
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Good morning! Sending you extra prayers and love today and in your next recovery days. Hang in there and continue to be as strong as ever! You can do this.
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Good morning Sara: You have been on all of our minds especially as today is another chemo treatment.
I know we wish we were right there along side you again today as you go to get this HOPEFULLY last treatment of chemo. Despite not being there in person, know that our clan are right there with you in spirit, love and prayers as you undergo your fourth chemo treatment. We are sending you all of the positive karma we can find and with Mike and God's help today, we are trusting you come through it all without incident.
May the words contained in Psalm 18:32-34 be the truth....... It is God who arms me with strength and makes my way perfect. He makes my feet like the feet of a deer; he enables me to stand on the heights. He trains my hands for battle; my arms can bend a bow of bronze.
God speed you brave, humble and wonderful servant of God.
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Hope all is well, sounds like everything is on God's schedule. Love you and praying for you.
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Oh dear one. Be healed and full of great life, health and happiness.
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I just wanted to wish you the very best and thank you for all you have done. Im sure this process has been tumultuous and grueling, however I believe you have handled it with the most grace and understanding possible. Your fortitude has really put everything into such perspective. God brings everyone into our lives for a reason and I believe he has shown me what true strength is through you. Although I did not or still not wish this to be the example... I really think you have been amazing through this entire process. I look forward to seeing you soon and will pray as you have asked.
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Your faith and attitude are keeping you strong and focused on the good health to come. The fatigue associated with this allows your body to heal and grow stronger. I know this first hand. Remember to give yourself permission to nap or sleep 10 hours- whatever it takes. If you listen, your body will tell you what you need.
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my soul is gently reminded of the why of our existence; love. Each and every nuance of how we experience love is to be treasured.
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May God continue to bless you with His strength for your perseverance and determination. You are much loved by all. Now is the time for you to enjoy and flourish in the help you both receive.
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May you rest peacefully in God's hands as you recuperate and the healing continues.
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You are like the parable of the mustard seed:
The kingdom of heaven is like to a grain of mustard seed, which a man took, and sowed in his field; Which indeed is the least of all seeds: but when it is grown, it is the greatest among herbs, and becometh a tree, so that the birds of the air come and lodge in the branches thereof. (Matthew 13:31-32)
Your strength can move mountains and it is upon this strength many come to rest.
May you continue to feel, albeit from afar, our prayers, smiles and hugs.
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It's the little things!!! Great blog Sara!! I think of you everyday and thank God that you are such an inspiration! God knows exactly what He is doing!! Stay true to your Faith no matter the road you must travel and know that He has great things in store for you when it is all over!
When I was at my worse - as strange as this may sound- I visualized the process a craftsman uses to make the perfect sword. It's such a brutal journey but the outcome is magnificent! I liked the sword analogy b/c I'm a guy; you may like the pearl or diamond analogy better!!! All tough processes to bring the world some valuable possessions! You are God's valuable possession and He's making you perfect!! Luv u and Mike!!!!
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So glad to hear you are doing better with each day. Laughter is the best medicine for your heart and soul. I came to after a surgery, couldn't talk yet, but I could hear laughter, my families, and friends. I could tell each persons, what a wonderful thing isn't it. to not only know the sounds of voices but to know their laughs! The nurse asked them to quiet down, and I remember just being able to move my hand to tell her "no". There is no question that God gives us things at just the right moment. Who would ever think to pray for laughter? and what a wonderful gift it is.
Keep on the healing girl! 2 more to go! awesome!!!
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Wow, what a blog, Sara ... So I had just given a biz presentation in when I got an email from my wife that our son had just scored two touchdowns in his first football game. Ecstatically, I jumped into the air. Shortly thereafter, I noticed soreness in my groin area. I must have pulled something in my jump. But no ~ later I discovered that in fact I was just wearing a pair of my sons boxers !!! Oops. Gotta love life.
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Still having a hard time seeing the computer because I keep wiping away the tears.
You are a wonderful woman,
Get healthy,
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so powerful to read your tale of love, laughter, courage and grace amidst one of life's hardest personal challenges. I'm uplifted to hear all the love pouring over your soul.
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You have been very brave and God will continue to use your experiences in a mighty way as time goes on. LIVE STRONG!!!
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You continue to be in my heart and mind and have been lifted up with each step of our newly created 7 circuit Cretan labyrinth.
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We are praying for you and your family! Our God is a great healer! You're in GOOD hands!
I want you all to know that I am not super-brave or extra-courageous or anything other than each of you are. It is God's strength, and all your kindnesses which are showing His love, that lift me up. literally!
My grace is enough; it's all you need.
My strength comes into its own in your weakness. 2 Cor 12
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I don't share my poem with people when they are first diagnosed, however I could tell from you are blog you will "get" it. I found peace in it after my cancers. May God's peace continue to keep you strong.
What Cancer Can Do For You
It changes your life.
Your priorities change.
You learn patience.
You appreciate what you had.
You learn to accept what you don’t have.
Your awareness level changes.
You admire those with strength.
You have compassion for the weak.
You’re thankful for the simple things.
Your time becomes precious.
You learn what is important.
You learn to depend on others.
You value loved ones and friendships.
You appreciate the beauty in nature.
You learn to trust in God.
It can be quite an awakening experience.
It can come and go at anytime.
You can choose how to live with it.
K- A Surviving Cancer Patient 2003
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Thank you for sending me the update on your treatment. God meets us wherever we are. I know for me, when I am on the mountain top I am overwhelmed by His presence. When I am in the wilderness. I am overwhelmed by His absence. One situation in utter awe, the other in pure dependence. There's much to learn either way.
I will keep you in my prayers.
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Getting to the last one? Happy days! It will be tough, but you are doing so well. Take care of yourself -- there is an end. I just visited w/a neighbor who said one of her greatest pleasures was shaving her legs again!
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All summer my prayers have included you and your family. I am so thrilled that you and your family have done so well!
Any way I know your family has been well cared for this summer...thanks be to God! Just wanted to let you know I love you.
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Prayers work miracles and I pray the Holy Spirit guides you and Mike! Love ya Lady! Hope you're feeling great very soon!
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we will certainly pray for more good news….. will be thinking of you, especially tomorrow.God bless,
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you are the strong trooper for sure ... I am so impressed with your positive attitude ... your strong beliefs will carry you through this ordeal .... (with just a little help from famil)
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I've got your back, as they say. You are in my prayers.
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Good morning! Sending you extra prayers and love today and in your next recovery days. Hang in there and continue to be as strong as ever! You can do this.
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Good morning Sara: You have been on all of our minds especially as today is another chemo treatment.
I know we wish we were right there along side you again today as you go to get this HOPEFULLY last treatment of chemo. Despite not being there in person, know that our clan are right there with you in spirit, love and prayers as you undergo your fourth chemo treatment. We are sending you all of the positive karma we can find and with Mike and God's help today, we are trusting you come through it all without incident.
May the words contained in Psalm 18:32-34 be the truth....... It is God who arms me with strength and makes my way perfect. He makes my feet like the feet of a deer; he enables me to stand on the heights. He trains my hands for battle; my arms can bend a bow of bronze.
God speed you brave, humble and wonderful servant of God.
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Hope all is well, sounds like everything is on God's schedule. Love you and praying for you.
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Oh dear one. Be healed and full of great life, health and happiness.
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I just wanted to wish you the very best and thank you for all you have done. Im sure this process has been tumultuous and grueling, however I believe you have handled it with the most grace and understanding possible. Your fortitude has really put everything into such perspective. God brings everyone into our lives for a reason and I believe he has shown me what true strength is through you. Although I did not or still not wish this to be the example... I really think you have been amazing through this entire process. I look forward to seeing you soon and will pray as you have asked.
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Your faith and attitude are keeping you strong and focused on the good health to come. The fatigue associated with this allows your body to heal and grow stronger. I know this first hand. Remember to give yourself permission to nap or sleep 10 hours- whatever it takes. If you listen, your body will tell you what you need.
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my soul is gently reminded of the why of our existence; love. Each and every nuance of how we experience love is to be treasured.
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May God continue to bless you with His strength for your perseverance and determination. You are much loved by all. Now is the time for you to enjoy and flourish in the help you both receive.
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May you rest peacefully in God's hands as you recuperate and the healing continues.
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You are like the parable of the mustard seed:
The kingdom of heaven is like to a grain of mustard seed, which a man took, and sowed in his field; Which indeed is the least of all seeds: but when it is grown, it is the greatest among herbs, and becometh a tree, so that the birds of the air come and lodge in the branches thereof. (Matthew 13:31-32)
Your strength can move mountains and it is upon this strength many come to rest.
May you continue to feel, albeit from afar, our prayers, smiles and hugs.
------------------------
It's the little things!!! Great blog Sara!! I think of you everyday and thank God that you are such an inspiration! God knows exactly what He is doing!! Stay true to your Faith no matter the road you must travel and know that He has great things in store for you when it is all over!
When I was at my worse - as strange as this may sound- I visualized the process a craftsman uses to make the perfect sword. It's such a brutal journey but the outcome is magnificent! I liked the sword analogy b/c I'm a guy; you may like the pearl or diamond analogy better!!! All tough processes to bring the world some valuable possessions! You are God's valuable possession and He's making you perfect!! Luv u and Mike!!!!
---------------------
So glad to hear you are doing better with each day. Laughter is the best medicine for your heart and soul. I came to after a surgery, couldn't talk yet, but I could hear laughter, my families, and friends. I could tell each persons, what a wonderful thing isn't it. to not only know the sounds of voices but to know their laughs! The nurse asked them to quiet down, and I remember just being able to move my hand to tell her "no". There is no question that God gives us things at just the right moment. Who would ever think to pray for laughter? and what a wonderful gift it is.
Keep on the healing girl! 2 more to go! awesome!!!
--------------
Wow, what a blog, Sara ... So I had just given a biz presentation in when I got an email from my wife that our son had just scored two touchdowns in his first football game. Ecstatically, I jumped into the air. Shortly thereafter, I noticed soreness in my groin area. I must have pulled something in my jump. But no ~ later I discovered that in fact I was just wearing a pair of my sons boxers !!! Oops. Gotta love life.
-------------------
Still having a hard time seeing the computer because I keep wiping away the tears.
You are a wonderful woman,
Get healthy,
-----------------
so powerful to read your tale of love, laughter, courage and grace amidst one of life's hardest personal challenges. I'm uplifted to hear all the love pouring over your soul.
-----------------------
You have been very brave and God will continue to use your experiences in a mighty way as time goes on. LIVE STRONG!!!
------------------
You continue to be in my heart and mind and have been lifted up with each step of our newly created 7 circuit Cretan labyrinth.
-------------------------
We are praying for you and your family! Our God is a great healer! You're in GOOD hands!
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