Ramping up for Chemo #4 - Attitude

I'm starting with a hat trick of quotes from 3 wise men: Bernie Siegel, Chuck Swindoll, and St. Paul. All on attitude.

When disappointments and setbacks occur, learn to view them as events that will redirect you to something good. Bernie Siegel

The only thing we can do is play the one string we have, and that is our attitude... I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% how I react to it. And so it is with you... we are in charge of our attitudes.  Chuck Swindoll

Philippians 2:5 Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus

It's the Monday before Chemo #4 on Tuesday.

This might be the last one, or there might be two more, that's the conversation we're having with Dr. M tomorrow. I want two more, because I want to make sure every single errant cell is zapped. But he was leaning towards only four because Chemo is hard on your body, and I will next go to radiation.

I am right between two protocols. Stage 2 Invasive Breast Cancer with no nodes involved was four Taxotere plus Cytoxan treatments, and with nodes involved was eight treatments. I had only one node involved. Just one. So we briefly talked about six treatments. I want to get all the cancer cells gone, no change for recurrence. I do think that whatever Dr. M decides (I will give it my all for six) will be the right decision. I've been praying that the Holy Spirit give him clear insight into what my body needs right now for full healing. So He will.

Fantastic weekend at the beach with Mike, Corey and T. We went to the same hotel as in May, which was the weekend before Chemo #1. They have great deals at beach hotels during the summer... We sat under the umbrellas with SPF 55 on, came out of the sun mid-day. I don't think I got a lick of tan, but that's the point.

Took our IPADS so we played Scrabble, and we have a new game (for us), Balderdash. Oh my goodness, laughing until tears are falling. I am surrounded by very creative, funny and loving people in this family.


I have to add these two photos. Mike and Corey in the first are doing the typical pose of two guys on the beach with a football.

In the second photo, they look as if this spheroid object just washed up on the beach and they are trying to figure out what it is? In reality, they were looking at the writing on the football, because these two orderly guys wanted to make sure the words were facing front and in full view when the photo was taken. I just love it!

At one point it hit us, compare who we are right now to who we were only three months ago sitting in the very same beach chairs.

First, I am now certain God has healed me completely, it is getting worked out through the chemo and radiation and my body's immune system is getting back into working order. Three months ago in my mind I was certain, and I was asking God to bring my emotions and believing up to one hundred percent. He has done that, I am peaceful and secure knowing Jesus is the healer.

Secondly, on the same topic, I had decided in May to trust God for His help during Chemo #1. Now it is so much easier to lean over into Him during Chemo #4, knowing that He has been there every second of the way for the first three chemos. I  FEEL certain He will be here this time too. I still have blips of thoughts - oh darn, how did these three weeks in between chemos fly so fast, have I done all I need to do to prepare.. But those are blips and I pick them up out of my thoughts and throw them up to Jesus, and bring back the thought- thank you for healing me, thank you for being right here with me, thank you for the peace that passes all understanding.

Thirdly, How thankful I am to all you who are helping, in ways that might seem small to you but they are HUGE MOUNTAINS of LOVE AND KINDNESS to me and to Mike. Every word, e-mail, phone message, meal, flower, prayer, mall walk, walk anywhere, devoting days to me, lunch, tea, hand sanitizer packets, air aromatherapy, car ride, soup, book, pashmina, movies, etc are beautiful times for me to see God's love in action. And I know this is tiring, as this has been going on since the end of April. But you guys are all so good to hang in there with me! It is as if each kindness is a flower, and all together they compose the most beautiful bouquet, or really a breath-taking field of wildflowers!

I can empathize with Henri Nouwen when he talks about his need for community. I need community. I do not want to exist separate from others. But yet, I want to look to Jesus for my affirmation of worth as a person. And believe me, He thinks you and I and all of us are just the apple of His eye. He loves each of us unconditionally, which is just mind-boggling. Because of this, when I'm with my community, I can hopefully be evidence of His love for others as well as sharing in some for myself.

This all gets me back to the verse He gave me in the parking lot before I got the first biopsy results - Be still and know that I am God, Psalm 46. I have never been as still as I have been these past four and a half months. Especially in acupuncture. You have to lie really really still for thirty minutes which I said I could NEVER do, but, well, never say never. It is the best time for prayer and contemplative prayer, just repeating over and over slowly with your breathing.  I started out with the verse from Psalms, but now I say the beginning of Psalm 23. You know, that is such a great Psalm.  No wonder it is the most asked for Psalm in hospitals.

And then fourthly, I know I am being redirected. I want it to stick. I want God to change me how He wants, redirect my path, and I want to stay on it.

I think there is no such thing as "I don't have enough time for that". We all spend our time where we want, and if something is important to you, you will put it as a priority and it will get done. It is my highest priority to stay focused on Jesus, to continue growing in my relationship with Him, to keep my face pointed towards God.

Maybe that's a key - keep growing. Just like any relationship, people change. God doesn't change, but I do. So my relationship with Him, just like my marriage and how I interact with my kids, must keep growing and flexing through the years to stay vibrant and alive and appropriate. My boys are twenty five and twenty nine, so I have a far different relationship with them as I did twenty years ago. Mike and I have been married thirty two years, now we are empty nesters, and helping each other heal. A far different relationship than ten years ago or twenty. And each time we flex and redirect, we grow closer.

With God, I would stagnate if I stayed exactly with Him like I am now. God doesn't want me to learn about Him and then put Him up on my library shelf, as if He were the concept of permutations and combinations, you learn about them, and then store that knowledge and rarely use it.  Only when someone asks you in daily conversation, How many ways could these seven Scrabble letters be combined? you could figure out the answer.

No, No, He is a living God, who is watching over me. He is my Shepherd, He restores my soul. He leads me to still waters, leads me down paths of righteousness for His name's sake. He has plans for Mike and I. And we want to do whatever He asks.

We have to listen.

Heal me oh Lord, that I might do your will to your glory, for the rest of my life.

Asking for prayers

Dear Friends,

Chemo #4 is Tuesday. How the time FLIES...

How thankful I am to all you who are helping, in ways that might seem small to you but they are HUGE MOUNTAINS of LOVE AND KINDNESS to me and to Mike. Every word, e-mail, phone message, meal, flower, prayer, mall walk, walk anywhere, devoting days to me, lunch, tea, hand sanitizer packets, air aromatherapy, car ride, soup, book, pashmina, movies, etc are beautiful times for me to see God's love in action. And I know this is tiring, as this has been going on since the end of April.

But you guys are all so good to hang in there with me! It is as if each kindness is a flower, and all together they compose the most beautiful bouquet, or really a breath-taking field of wildflowers.

I am asking once again for your prayers for me (and Mike) tomorrow:

- Dr. M decides tomorrow whether this is the last chemo or we do 2 more, please ask the Holy Spirit give him discernment (then comes radiation)

- That the Chemo drugs do their job killing every single errant cell in my body

- That my body stay strong and functioning

- Mike (my one and only caregiver this time) has a really busy day job right now too, so may Jesus lighten his yoke and grant him peace that passes understanding

- May my eyes stay focused on Jesus

Thank you again, dear ones. Ever Onward and Upward...

Hallelujah!

Every time we remember to say "thank you",
we experience nothing less than heaven on earth.
-- Sarah Ban Breathnach

I answered the phone while driving this morning, it was the surgeon's office, where I had a biopsy this Monday. It was B the nurse. She asked me how I was doing today... A BILLION thoughts go through your mind in one second.  Is she trying to settle me down for bad news or is it good news so she is relaxed and taking her time? Did she say that with a smile or a tense grimace?

I respond, Every day is a beautiful day. She says, well this news will make today even more beautiful.. I scream out BRAVO and I am certain she is wincing and her ear drum has been burst, but she and I, we don't care. It is a diagnosis of mastitis, which is so not anything at all at this point in time. YEAH! Double YEAH!

I tell the family immediately. This is such fun news. Hallelujah Mike texts back. They all text back, aren't texts great!

Such a thin line between Hallelujah and Oh man.

It is time to ask myself, am I thankful I got cancer?

I know God didn't give it to me. It's a result of cells mutating, and my immune system not being strong enough at this moment to kill the mutated ones.

I know God is efficient and He is using this time in my life to catch my attention, draw me closer, stir me up, and change me forever for the better.

He's showing me how much He loves me, and healing me to better than I was before, in mind, body and spirit.

When I look at photos of times last year, before cancer ,I remember how light hearted I was. I still have moments of light heartedness. I also have moments of knowing God is RIGHT HERE.

Picture this - a black sphere, could be granite or marble. Solid black. Pretty boring to look at? Yes. You look at it for a second or two and move on. No depth, it doesn't tell very much of a story.

Now, if a crack forms in that rock and water with minerals, say silicon and some other minerals, seeps into the crack, quartz could form. And veins of other deposits.

Now the rock looks so much more interesting, more beautiful. The deep black contrasted with white quartz and some taupes and shades of brown from minerals in the crystals.

And that beauty never would have made its way into the black rock if there weren't a crack.

All the experiences we have, every day we live, every person we interact with, they make us who we are. The good and the bad, the joyful and the tearful.

So yes, I can say I am thankful I got cancer. It has added to my beautiful life.

Biopsy

Had another biopsy today.

I am positive it is nothing.

But I am really going to be happy to hear that news from the Dr. when she calls later this week to tell me the biopsy says it is nothing.

What does that say about my faith? Is it still strong?

I think of Reagan's quote, used so often by us moms raising teenagers - Trust, yet verify.

By mistake, D and S went to lunch with me today. We had planned on next Monday, and one of us thought it was this Monday, so when she e-mailed to confirm, we all were free today, so we went out today too.

Which was really convenient, really really convenient. Mike was to take me to the biopsy, and he had crisis at work, so I needed someone to take me at the last minute. You want someone to take you that you feel completely comfortable with. They inject lidocaine so it doesn't hurt when they do the biopsy, but the lidocaine injection hurts. And you just are a little shaky about the whole procedure. How could I have planned this better? THANK YOU GOD!

The Dr. looked at me, checked her notes and thought that the rash today was much smaller, much lighter in color, not as swollen at all, and if she hadn't seen me two weeks ago, she wouldn't do a biopsy on this today. But since she saw it two weeks ago quite red and swollen, quite a large red swollen rash (orange peel?) and to give us all peace of mind, she did one.

They are concerned about Inflammatory Breast Cancer. It doesn't show as a lump, it shows as swollen lymph vessels in the breast. Inflamed. Often misdiagnosed as mastitis (infection in the breast.) Very aggressive, grows as a sheet under the skin. Can't see it on mammograms. Only diagnosed by biopsy. So a biopsy we will do. 

God is good, all the time.

Markers

How do we remember those moments, those precious moments, when God is so alive to us that He is RIGHT THERE in the middle of our lives?  When He is calling the shots and it is so fantastic and we feel so alive? So happy and exhilarated and ALIVE!

In the Old Testament, they would set up a pillar or pile stones to mark events where God interacted in a powerful way. Joshua and the Jordan River, Jacob and wrestling with the angel, etc.

So, what do we do to remember those moments?

First thing comes to mind are photographs.

And more than even a photograph, a wedding album.

Parents, what is perhaps the single biggest decision your child can make that will determine their joy and happiness and contentment and satisfaction in life? Choosing Christ. Okay. Stick with me.

What is perhaps the SECOND biggest decision your child can make? Who they marry! Who will join with them as one and walk with them every day for the rest of their life. Who will be there to pick them up, and they will pick up their spouse when they fall. Who will be there to encourage, to share joy and sorrow, to believe when they are shaky, to share everything.

Last week I had the absolute joy to meet with the photographer for our son's wedding in March, to choose the final shots for the wedding album. This is one marker, the memory of that day that was of utmost importance in our family. And of UTMOST JOY! On March 5 we were a family of four; since 5:00 PM March 6, we are a family of five!

I looked at the first draft of the wedding album the photographer e-mailed me. Magical. Then I went through all the photos to see which I might want added. We were all SO HAPPY! I don't think I saw one photo of any of us not smiling. Ear to ear smiles. It was so easy, through her photos, to be transported back in time to that day when God blessed all of us in such a concrete way. So this album is our marker.

And yes, I had tears in my eyes looking at the photos. Of before I knew I had cancer. Of us all laughing because we were all filled with joy. It was so easy to laugh.

Well, it still is easy to laugh. And I still feel joy. I'm just more tired these days. That will pass. It is easier to laugh when you aren't tired or hurting physically anywhere on your body. But you do still laugh.

Okay, what other events deserve markers? The birth of both our sons, our wedding day, again we have photos and each other to remember these times when God blessed us. And there are random times I felt God's presence in the paths of our lives.

Two more big ones are Mike's healing from lymphoma and my healing from cancer. We don't have markers from these. Yet. I'm going to do some thinking....

Sharks circling the Island

I was standing on a small island, about the size of four parking spaces. In the middle of Key Biscayne, north of the Rickenbacker Causeway to the mainland. This island had one palm tree and the rest was sand. The water was that magical light blue-green of Caribbean water. There were a handful of sharks swimming around the island.  I could see their fins above the water. Swimming and swimming. It was hot and the sun was shining, I had to squint my eyes. I was alone on the island.

I was scared of the sharks, they were circling the island, lifting up their heads to look at me once in awhile. I was afraid, scared, shaking, and I wanted off that island right away.

You know this was a dream by now, right?

Afraid. Scared. I want to be on the safe mainland, which was in site. I called out and no one could hear me. So I prayed - God rescue me. I'm scared. Get me out of here!

I remembered the story of Peter walking on the water. When he kept his eyes focused on Jesus and when he kept his belief solid that he COULD walk on water, he did. Matt 14: "Come," he said. Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus. When he doubted, he fell in.

I remembered the title of Ortberg's book which I love, If You Want to Walk on Water, You've Got to Get Out of the Boat. A GREAT book title.

So, in my dream, I think of this title, and walk to the edge of my tiny island.

I pray to God to rescue me and let me walk on water and end up on dry land in Miami.  God, I believe in You. I will step out and I will walk on the water.  It's not too far, I could see the dry land.

I put one foot on the water. It goes right to the bottom, doesn't work.  Well, I try again, this time taking a huge step out further, and nope, right to the bottom.

Okay, I pull back, as all the sharks are RIGHT THERE watching me... And I think, Peter didn't have to deal with sharks.

I pause for a minute.

Hmmm.

I know God could make it so I walk on water. Do I not have enough faith?

Then I pray, God rescue me and guide me what to do.

A little different prayer than before.

BOOM!

All of a sudden (dreams are great) I see so many other options. Common sense ones.

There is a rowboat beached on this island which has been there all the time. I never noticed it.

A Coast Guard boat with a rescue dog comes zooming up towards me with a megaphone and they are calling out to me, do I need help?

A helicopter comes overhead, dipping down to talk to me.

And I notice I have a cell phone in my hand, which has been there all the time.

I wasn't scared anymore.  I don't know which exit strategy I chose. The dream was over.

God doesn't need always to do the miraculous, the action-movie stunt, the dramatic turn around, the instant fix. He always can, but He doesn't always need to. Sometimes He works through the gentle, the progressive, the steady and the subtle.

He will rescue us.

He will redeem us.

He never will forget us.

He never will leave us.

BUT, He will do it in HIS TIME, in HIS MANNER.

He is the authority. He is in control.

I need to stop trying to tell God exactly how to run my life.

I love dreams...

Why is it so difficult?

This is real life.

Yesterday was a fantastic day.

Another delightful morning of dozing and praying and greeting the day gently.

Mall walked with D and S, just light hearted and fun. Old, old friends. Talked about our kids (who are now in their twenties and some married), our husbands (who we adore), weddings, the concept of leggings, the invention of shoes with good arch support, and other weighty matters. Ate at California Pizza Kitchen, again. Loved it.

Got home and was able to spend two hours on some work for Mike's mother, and some for our household.

A little nap and then dinner with J and B (not the scotch) at Luma, which is a little glimpse into what heaven will be - unconditional love, conversations touching topics you really are interested in, insights on personal issues, laughter because we all know this is just our temporary home, with Jesus sitting right there in the middle of it all. And GREAT food...


Speaking of great food, we came home to the pie that has captivated our family from the first bite, oh that ten or twelve years ago - Grand Traverse Pie Company Cherry Pie. W and A had mailed us two that VERY DAY, so we had the dessert of our dreams. I'm serious. I have had two of these mailed to us several Christmases, they are that good.

I fall into bed and can't get to sleep. One sentence a person had said awhile ago to me (not the people mentioned above) was in my mind, that I couldn't forget, and there I was, not sleeping, growing it into a huge mountain. This person absolutely didn't mean for it to hit me, but it did. They meant it innocently, I know that.

So I get up out of bed, and sit on the edge of the bathtub... saying "Why is it so difficult to be positive?" And there I go, tumbling down into, "Jesus, Why is life so hard, am I doing all I should be, am I on the right path, why did this second cancer potentially show up, why cancer in the first place, am I praying the right way, will my body be able to take more chemo, why didn't I reduce stress years ago, why don't I exercise more, why aren't I good enough, and finally can I really do this?"

All my dedication to thinking positive thoughts, believing in my healing one hundred percent, trusting in Jesus, keeping Him in my line of vision, and I just had fifteen minutes of doubt and negativity. I know in my life this needs to be looked after immediately. I am not in the least tempted to take a sleeping pill, turn on the television and distract my mind with whatever is on. I know this negativity is not how God intends me to be thinking and feeling. This is definitely not of Him. So He and I need to meet right away.

I tiptoe downstairs (not easy for me, I am not light on my feet) and get out my bible. Lie on the sofa under our angel painting. I love our angel painting. We all have angels watching over us, you know that. I have a good story about that, for another blog, don't let me forget. Zoom right to Hebrews 11, 12. Look at all those guys, they did it. They had worse stuff than me (Abraham with the Isaac thing, Moses in the wilderness with a lot of hot, unhappy people following him around, etc) and they didn't have a bible to read or Seinfeld episodes to watch for comic relief. Or toilets and showers. (These are wonderful inventions.) AND they didn't have Mike.


I put down the bible (IPAD) and start talking to God.

Okay, whenever you keep me up at night, you are going to work out something in me. Where in me is this hitting a raw nerve? What do you want me to know? What's going on here?

I admit, at first, I kept on going with the list of why I was justified to be hurt, what I could tell this person out of "love" to correct their view point. And I was just going to be that kind of strong women that pointed out to them where their thinking was incorrect. I was going to be the hands and voice of God to them. HA! Double HA! Triple HA!

I took a breath. This line of thinking just wasn't feeling right...

A tiny little thought comes into my mind.. maybe they have something that is hurting or bothering them in their lives which was the reason they thought this thought in the first place. Well now, its still about them, but a little bit of compassion and forgiving is starting to form in my mind. Its not about them hurting ME, its about them hurting. AHA! So if they didn't mean to upset me, maybe I can look at what they said in a different light. Hm, not take it as a statement against me, well that's an idea. Quite a good idea..

Going along that path, seeing that its really not about ME, I see that the statement wasn't as big and powerful as I was making it out to be. And that my reaction can be honest and short and then just move on. No need to react to that person, its only if I want to react at all!

The nerve it was hitting? That I wasn't perfect. Oh boy... I know I'm not perfect, but I see I was hoping to be. Yeah right, what was I thinking?

Now, easy to forgive that person immediately, on the spot. Probably no need to forgive them for they had no intention of hurting me. They have no idea my mind went on for awhile down the path of sticky, muddy self-doubting. And they don't need to know, but forgive them anyway right away, just to clean things up.

Anne Lamott: 'Forgiveness means it finally becomes unimportant that you hit back.'

Lamott is one of my favorite writers. She gives some insights into Christian concepts that are spot on. That said, I disagree with some of her politics.  But love her.

So I am over it. I am still lying on the sofa, under the angel. It is totally dark and I am peaceful. Sleepy. Smiling. Praying for that person, for their life and their life changes, for their relationship with God and their family. For their business and their friends and their health. So easy to do.

Thank you SO MUCH God that you didn't let me sleep, but you keep my mind thinking. Because I needed to go to you and get this one figured out. Sleep, schmeep. You will keep me awake for tomorrow for what You want me to do.

Now, not all negative events like this are learning experiences. Yes, some are lessons to learn. Some are character building, and some are just not about me at all they are for other people and I am just part of it.

For this one, I did learn.

I learned once again that God is always there. He will never leave me in the pits or anywhere. He understands that I am not perfect and that doubt creeps in sometimes. IF I TURN TO HIM, He will gently and graciously reach out to me, lift me up and give me a great big bear hug. I don't need to be perfect, I just need HIM.

I also learned that I need to choose God. I need to choose to turn to Him. I need to choose positive. I need to choose accepting healing. It doesn't just happen. My thoughts feed my feelings. I choose my thoughts. (Of course there are folks with physical imbalances, but I do not have that and this blog is about me.) I choose joy. I choose hope. I choose Jesus.

And every day will be a beautiful day....

Mental Floss T-shirts ... and chemo brain

What makes us laugh in this family? When Tray and Mack were visiting, we were all sitting down in the living room at one point, and Tray picked up the Mental Floss magazine to read off the T-shirts for sale. Our family loves Mental Floss magazine.

Hyperbole is the BEST thing ever
Ambiguity - What happens in Vagueness, stays in Vagueness
Spell Czech
Pluto, Revolve In Peace 1930- 2006
I’m no rocket surgeon
Mole problems, just call 602-1023
Beethoven, the original Deaf Jam
I avoid clichés like the plague
Nietzsche - Just doubt it
Friends don't let friends derive drunk
Homonyms - are a reel waist of thyme
Scuba diving, keep your friends close and your anemones closer
The Constitution - I read it for the articles
An Apple a Day- will leave you 4 servings short of your daily fruit requirements
Fibonacci, it’s as easy as 1,1,2,3
When life gives you scurvy, make lemonade
Archeologists will date any old thing
World Physics Society Family Reunion - be the half-life of the party!
You say tomato, I say tomato (it just doesn't make sense when you read it...)

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Other things I have done lately (I am understanding this is chemo brain):

I went to take two Advils... put two of them in the bottom of a cup, filled it up with water. Realized my mistake right away!

Was helping unpack groceries, and put a quart of milk in the unrefrigerated pantry. Not in the refrigerator. Didn't notice it until a week later. What do you know, milk explodes after about a week at room temperature. And when it explodes, it smells terrible....

Spelling is atrocious. I put on a list of things to get in the future - handwaits

Set your mind on things above

Colossians 3:
Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things.

Philippians 4:
(Follows the "do not be anxious" verses)
Finally, brothers,
whatever is true,
whatever is noble,
whatever is right,
whatever is pure,
whatever is lovely,
whatever is admirable—
if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—

think about such things.

Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—
put it into practice.

And the God of peace will be with you.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Been spending a lot of time thinking. Reflecting. The life of the mind.

It's an interesting phenomenon, how each of us can distract our own attention by social activity or turning on the television. We can go through a whole day and not have very many thoughts of our own.

Wake up - IPOD's on with music. Mind is thinking of what to make for breakfast. Then boom, pick up the remote control and turn on the television. Walk into the bathroom, boom there's a second television turned on. Go into the kitchen for breakfast, pick up the newspaper, turn on the laptop, or boom, another television. The brain, and the spirit, are getting bombarded with outside thoughts and images. And how neat if you pick up your daily devotional and go to the date, read it out loud to everyone, quick prayer and run out the door to the car, where the radio goes on immediately. In your mind, you are listing the things you need to not forget to do that day.

For me, in the above scenario, I can barely hear my own thoughts.   I wouldn't be able to hear anything God was saying, even if He were yelling, so certainly not a whisper.

So now, with a much quieter, gentler pace, and we don't turn on televisions until late afternoon or evening anyway, I am hearing more of my own thoughts. I know I want to keep them positive. Sometimes it is difficult to keep your thoughts positive when you are physically hurting, or scared.

What is keeping me positive?

It is so important to me to know I have friends and family who are praying for me. Who want the best for me. Who love me. That to me is the most important thing. I draw on your faith in my healing and your love and the multitude of ways you have shown you are walking this with me. Phrases from cards and e-mails and voice mails bubble up -

-- We are not quitters
-- I don't know of anyone better to do this than you
-- Some days there won't be a song. Sing anyway!
-- Grip our Lord's hand tightly
-- Lean on God now with all your strength, He will carry you
-- Gute Besserung
-- Make no mistake about it, you will beat this!
-- This is a pothole, you can't get around it but you will plow through it.
-- We're gonna be really cool old ladies!
-- You are cared about more than you realize.

I trust God, and accept He has healed me and the process is in motion. The chemo drugs are little tornadoes that scour my body looking for and smashing to pieces any cancer cells.

I have another biopsy on Monday, which I already know God has dealt with. Please pray for me for Monday, for Dr. R who will do the biopsy, and for complete healing! THANK YOU!

Back to positive thoughts, which goes right to the phrase that hit me early on in this adventure- Feed the faith and starve the doubt. Positive thoughts. I have no appetite for crime shows on television any more. Used to love an episode of Law and Order or Numbers. Entourage and Mad Men used to be recorded and watched, but either I have changed or they have changed. I watched an episode of Entourage and it was disgusting. Mad Men is so sad and dark.

You know what I love. Seinfeld. Its a tradition now. We have dinner and maybe take our Basset Hound on a little stroll around the block. Then back to the air conditioning to read, play Scrabble or Blokus on the IPAD. Then the cup of Chamomile tea, and an episode or two of Seinfeld. I love them. Even when I know what is going to happen, they make me laugh.

I asked at lunch two weeks ago, what songs did people play to make them happy, and the winners are:

Its a Wonderful World (Louie Armstrong)
I'm Yours (Jack Johnson)
Celebrate Good Times
Can't Live Without You
For All We Know
Kokomo
Jersey Boys
Abba
Vivaldi Four Seasons
500 Miles (the Proclaimers)

As for me, what songs are my playlist of what I play when I need a boost towards the positive?

Lifesong, and Father Spirit Jesus - Casting Crowns
Three Little Birds - Bob Marley
Hallelujah - Jeff Buckley
Amazing - Seal
Made to Love - TobyMac
Where the Streets have no name and Beautiful Day and Magnificent - U2
Walking on Sunshine - KC
Here Comes the Sun - Beatles
On the Beach- Chris Rhea

Positive thoughts.

-- Reading Your Healing is Within You, by Jim Glennon. Mike read this over and over years ago when he was diagnosed with lymphoma. It is a book to read over and over. -I'm reading a Henri Nouwen daily devotional. And a Sarah Young devotional.

-- Hebrews 11 and 12, this has been my go-to part of the bible since high school. They all had faith. They were "in it to win it". They kept their eyes fixed on Jesus. And on our God, the consuming fire, the God whose kingdom can not be shaken.

-- Centering Prayer. Ever heard of this? Praying without words so much, listening and just being with God.

-- Funny movies. Johnny Depp's Don Juan de Marco and Benny and Joon, Somethings Gotta Give, Animal House.

-- Redirect my thoughts. Whenever a negative thought, a doubt comes across my consciousness, grab it and lift it up to Jesus. He will take it away. Then I grab onto His hand.

I know it is the Holy Spirit in me that will guide my thoughts. I pray that they always be certain on the healing issue. I pray to increase my belief in my healing. I pray to keep me focused on Jesus. I know I cannot do any of this on my own, but I can do all of it through Him.

Off to mall walk.

Making sure that all day long, I keep my mind focused on Jesus and on things above. Be in the world, but not of the world.. One day at a time!

Romans 12:
And do not be conformed to this world,
but be transformed by the renewing of your mind,
so that you may prove what the will of God is,
that which is
good
and acceptable
and perfect.

Stepping out of Chemo Cloud #3

First of all, THANK YOU for your prayers for healing... they are working. PLEASE keep them going. Each of you is precious for remembering Mike and I. THANK YOU!!!!!

This photo is Mike overseeing S making Red Velvet Cake.  She cooked all weekend. We dined like Julia Child was staying with us.

You know the feeling of laying down in your bed when you have had an absolutely exhausting day, and it feels so good to be horizontal and quiet and no lights on. Your body is so tired and your mind has been racing and you are at the point where any noise is too loud?

I did nothing all day Friday, but it was exhausting. At the end of the day, it was all my energy to walk upstairs. When I laid down in bed, my eyes popped open and I thought - I need you Lord. Just that, over and over.

I need you Lord.

Not, I want you or I trust you or I love you or praise you and I will follow you (which are all good things to feel and say, mind you.)

I need you Lord.

Every ounce of me, every inch of me, every part of me - needs you Lord. I can't do this without you. I need you right here, right with me, and don't leave me. Ever.

Never do I want a second without you, without your face looking right into mine and telling me you love me and you are my GOD.

Now we all know that it is not GOD's face that turns away from ours, it is ours that turns away from His. How perfect I just read the Prodigal Son Story, because at that moment Friday evening, I remembered how the Father, the compassionate and patient Father runs out to the Prodigal Son and then also runs out to the Elder Son. He runs out to them! When I speak the words "I need you", God our Father runs with open arms towards me. Its like He's been there all the time, just waiting for me to say them, and He is always always so overjoyed to hear me that He throws a big feast.  Not what my stomach wanted at that point in time, but it was a symbolic big feast.

I said Friday night and I say now, I want to always remember how completely I need Him. ALWAYS.

One of my dear dear friends, one of those heart to heart friends, who journeyed through chemo years ago said she had never felt as alive as she did during her months of healing from breast cancer (surgery and chemo.) I have been tossing that around in my head, and now I know what she means.

You feel most alive when you have that straight line of vision to God. When you don't have the distraction of day to day details.  When you have been immersing yourself in reading the bible and praying more than ever.  When others are praying for you.  Most importantly than all this, when you realize that you need to hand over control of every teeny tiny part of tomorrow to Jesus. When you realize you trust Him enough to lean out over the cliff into His arms and you know He will catch you, cradle you, carry you forward and up higher than you have ever been.

When have we all felt like this before? How about when your child is taken to the emergency room having trouble breathing? How about when the doctor tells you to take your child to a specialist, soon. How about those first few days after your mother dies? How about when your husband is diagnosed with cancer?

I have had this realization before, but I want it to stick this time. God is surely stirring Mike and I up. He's got something in mind, some way to tweak our lives, and I want to cooperate. It might be a lesson to learn, character traits to change, or something having to do with others' lives (this might not be about us.) But God is so efficient, I am certain He will use this journey for good for us. I really think so.

So, I need God. I knew that. But I now am dedicated to living it. It will happen. This is one big reason to be thankful I had cancer. A HUGE reason. Love to see the reasons, what a gift!

So, to describe the cloud. It seemed like a cloud this time, and yes you are all saying ... Sara, a cloud in the Old Testament is where God met man... yes thank you' all for paying attention. Even before I made the connection, this one felt like a cloud. Chemo #2 felt like a racing brook, with hot sun, that eventually cooled down. This one felt like a cloud, fog descending on me, like PigPen in Peanuts with his dust cloud. This was a cold, low visibility non-symmetrical sphere of humidity.

And you might ask, do I still remember that I need God?

I do.

I am thinking about how to stay on this path. I need moments alone with God. Listening to Him, being still before Him. Prayer where I am not talking, but I am just with Him. Not building up busy days and nights, but setting a gentle rhythm.

What is most assuring is that I am POSITIVE that if I ever, like the Prodigal Son or the Elder, start that turn away from Him, from knowing that I need Him even more than how you need water when you are thirsty after being out in the hot Florida sun all day long at a baseball game, I know that if I turn slightly away, He will call after me. He loves me that much.

If I ignore Him, just slightly, because that's what happens, He is in control. He will call out. Things just get so busy, I think I can do this or that without His guidance  It isn't a bad thing, it just might not be what He wants.

I will ask Him to constantly cleanse me, search me and find what is not of Him. Keep me here in this vision line where I can see Him. It is the most beautiful sight, towards Him. Especially when compared to a cloud...
=======================================================

I'm going to describe the details of each day this week of Chemo, so skip this if you don't want to hear them, which is PERFECTLY OKAY. I am doing this for my record, and for anyone going through chemo who might be interested.

Chemo Day 0 - Monday (the day before)

Great day. Walked the Millenia Mall with S and D, had my favorite lunch there, half a Thai Crunch Salad with no edamame, no cilantro dressing, peanut dressing on the side, and some avocado added. At least five refills of iced tea and a water to go. Aren't you glad you weren't the waiter? Went to acupuncture. I think acupuncture has played a huge part in healing. C who does it is an angel, she radiates light and caring, and physically knows how to help out my body - helping get my healthy parts healed and protected from chemo, working with oncologist.  Paid bills, checked on Dad's and Mike's Dad's lives. Grilled pork chops,veggies for dinner. Watched Seinfeld.

Chemo Day 1 - Tuesday

This was a magnificent day. Just magnificent. Starting with some elliptical machine exercise (listening to my IPAD), lunch with seven uplifting and dear dear friends. So much fun. S came down again last night from Charlotte and will be here until next Wednesday, what a GIFT!!!! The doctor's meeting was short, chemo delivery itself went smoothly (its a non-event to me.) The nurse didn't twist the port as much, so there is no bruising, and it didn't hurt at all this time. One blip, I had a place that looked like a potential problem on the opposite side of the surgery site, so Dr. M. suggested I return to surgeon to have her take a look. She will decide if I should have a biopsy, potential site of another cancer. Wow. I am not going to worry, just do it.  Nurses at chemo are just so kind! Still on Avelox for the sinus infection which is much much improved, almost nothing by now. Still doing sinus squirt bottle every night (with salt and eucalyptus oil). Dinner from M, delicious Cuban black beans and rice and pork. I am definitely from Dexamethasone steroid, but now we know it and also we know it will fade in a day.

Chemo Day 2 - Wednesday

This is the funny day. Your brain is buzzing, my heart is thumping, and I'm a foggy thinker. I misspelled a word I have spelled correctly for 40 years. S and I met M at the Millenia Mall and we mall walked two laps (Monday we did four.)  I had that delicious salad again. I am drinking gallons of water, five L-Glutamine doses per day. The digestive system has halted, and I am bloated and retaining fluids. I look pregnant. I eat watermelon when I get home, and have a delicious dinner thanks to A. This is the day you feel like you have partied for five days.  Your body is exhausted, but your heart and brain are hopping excited.

We started reading Your Healing is Within You, by Jim Glennon. This was so important to Mike seventeen years ago when he was diagnosed with CTCL. I read it then, and parts in the past months. We are reading it out loud.

Chemo Day 3 - Thursday

Slept again until 11, then to Dr. M for Neuplasta shot (revs up your bone marrow to make new blood cells starting Sunday, a GREAT thing.) Lunch with Mike, S and L, was delightful. I don't know that I contribute much to the conversation, but love hearing them talk. Then to Dr. R, the surgeon, to see what's going on. I have had a rash on my left breast for maybe 5 weeks, but didn't mention it Chemo #2 as we were talking so much about the sinus infection. So Dr. R says it isn't an infection (I'm on a strong antibiotic), she wants to biopsy it. (I want to jump ahead and tell you I don't think this is cancer, but that's coming later.)


At the moment I am truly stunned. She is a good surgeon, and takes lots of time talking with me. She wants to biopsy it as soon as possible, but wait until my blood counts are high enough so it heals. So, Aug 23rd (11 days from now) she will do a biopsy.  The results will be back the end of the week so Dr. M has them by Aug 31,  which is Chemo #4. She thinks it might look like Inflammatory Breast Cancer, but you only know by biopsy. And the treatment, Chemotherapy! It would be one I am getting and they would add another.

I think God only lets you feel the emotions you can handle at the moment; I wasn't really upset. S and I drove home, she concocted a delicious dinner, and we all talked. I ate the world's best Tuscan Vegetable Soup thanks to my Soup Angel who lives next door. I'm starting to feel like I have the flu, glands get tender and swollen. All par for the course.

We read Chapter 2 of Your Healing is Within You, about praying for healing, being certain God heals you, and accepting that healing. Went to sleep, uncertain how to take this news/ non-news.

Chemo Day 4 - Friday

Mike and I woke up at 4:30, you know those times, when you just need to talk. How precious they are, your hearts are breaking but the thoughts and words are from that deep inside place that we don't go very often. Then we prayed. We prayed for lots of things, but the one item that is important for this writing is we prayed and accepted healing for me. For whatever is found or not found, that it is healed. And I can tell you right now I have no doubt that God has healed whatever is going on in me that is not perfect health. It might take some time and chemo treatments and prayer to become evident, and I will be patient. But I know He has it all under control. This new development could be one of several things, Dr. R said, the funniest is "idiopathic rash" which is true medical vocabulary for "we are idiots, we don't know what is causing this rash." So I am done worrying about the rash. And I am grateful for the peace that passes understanding! I will still get the biopsy on Aug 23rd, but I know God has this under control. He has healed it.

I asked for a sign, while I was praying. Bold I thought, but Gideon did it. I felt heat. When I woke up a few hours later, the rash was minimal. Hard to see. YEAH! It darkens and lightens randomly. Not something to notice and tell the doctor now! Minimal. You can barely see some pink. Not the dark pink/red and swollen of the weeks in a row before. Its just barely pink.

Friday of Chemo has been the toughest, and so was this one. You just feel like you have the flu, except this time every single inch of my body ached. My forearm was tender when you touched it, my calves were tender when I walked, if you touched the top of my head it was tender. All my glands were tender. So you just lie down, nap on and off, listening to my Channel 434 spa music. You know you will feel better tomorrow, and nothing hurts (except when you touch it, ha!) Food isn't particularly appealing... it was a day of soup, baked potato, and banana. We watched Animal House, mindless, and I napped through half of it. I was exhausted when I fell into bed.

Chemo Day 5 - Saturday

Waking up, you know you are better. Had funny calf muscle spasms in the night. Maybe need potassium? Stepping out of bed, its a little surprising, but I didn't ache. YEAH! We all went to lunch with Dad at Jason's Deli. I find that place feels clean. Delicious French Onion Soup and iced tea. Napped all afternoon watching Watney have the round of his life at Whistling Straits. Dinner again by S (last night Julia Childs, Jr made pot roast, tonight grilled chicken and RED VELVET CAKE, how pampered are we?) To top off the evening, we watching the first few ever episodes of Seinfeld - they weren't quite as funny back then: Kramer had flat hair, Jerry wore red sweatpants, and George was more of the intelligent one. Anyway, I am back. And it feels so good!

Chemo Day 6 - Sunday

I wake up at 9:30 - which is at least an hour earlier than all week. Nothing hurts, glands a little tender still in neck. When I look, there are floaters in my field of vision, which are normal and so funny. No more antibiotic for sinus infection, I am healing left and right! Raisin Bran tasted really good for breakfast. We are off and running...

Email responses

 enjoying a dual celebration - B's birthday and Chemo #3 about to begin

Thinking and praying for you this week. God indeed is good and it fills my heart when you remind me..
My love and prayers
Thank God for our dogs. Huh?
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Just wanted to send a big hug, a big smile and of course, prayers for you everyday.
Remember your friends are one of the things that God is providing so call on this friend for any thing any time!
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Our God is a great healer! You're in GOOD hands!
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While I am learning from you on a lot with your thoughts and experiences, I may be able to help a little with Sporty. My dog goes through the same thing. With thunder she wants a dark safe place to hide in. She hates it! With lightning though, if I rub a bounce sheet or cling free sheet (from the laundry) on her, it takes the static from her coat which helps calm her by 40-80%. My thoughts and prayers are with you!
------------------
By tomorrow afternoon - you are halfway there!! Think of how far you have come already!

So many people are praying for you and the family---your support system has reached people you don't even know! (Namely, some of my friends) and everyone is pulling for you.

A friend had this quote on her facebook and I LOVE it - "Keep your thoughts positive because your thoughts become your words. Keep your words positive because your words become your behavior. Keep your behavior positive because your behavior becomes your values. Keep your values positive because your values become your destiny." -Ghandi

On that note, we will be thinking of you lots tomorrow as you get ready to be done with the first half and on with the second half (which if its anything like being on a road trip, tends to go by faster :) Hang in there!!
------------------------
Sara and you are both in my prayers, I have been beyond impressed with how well she has been doing. I know your support has meant the world to her! :) I'll be thinking of you both tomorrow. God Bless.
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When you told of your basset's fear of thunder ... I thought of my friend who had great results with a "Thunder Shirt" ... I sent you some info on the item ... I don't know if they are in the "doggie shop" in Winter Park or not ... but my friend tried it ... she expected it was a rip off and was pleasantly pleased when after a few wearings his fear of thunder storms eased up and eventually went away .........

Good luck with the sinus infection ... the best thing is to drink LOTS of liquids ... keep those nasal passages from drying out and being susceptible to infection ......
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Just wanted you to know that I'm praying for you. I believe you are getting ready for chemo #3 ... Praying that the meds will do exactly what they are supposed to do (kill the enemy!!!). Praying for peace in the process. Praying for a special touch from the Father (keep your eyes open. I'm pretty sure He'll wow you! He loves you just that much :)

May God be glorified today and always.
-----------------------------------
Ah isn’t it a surprise how we all have some fear my younger golden retriever age 8 is fearful of heavy rain thunder and lightning and yet his mother who is 16 is as calm thru it all as can be will he learn wisdom and steadiness with age

do we do that as well yes i think so... ah have wisdom to be steady thru it all love you
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I hate we have to go through this, but I know there is a reason for everything. If nothing else, baseball will keep me going for a long time.

May God Bless You And Your Family!
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"FAITH SEES THE INVISIBLE, BELIEVES THE INCREDIBLE, AND RECEIVES THE IMPOSSIBLE"

Chemo # 3

It's time for another jump into healing!

Thank you Lord for Docetaxol and Cyclophosphamide (the two chemo drugs) and how they will zip around my body today and kill all those new/fast growing cells..

Thank you for the Dexamethasone and Benedryl that prevent damage to the good parts of my body.

Thank you for the Avelox that is zapping my ex-sinus infection.

Thank you for the healing I have seen in my throat, and from surgery.

Thank you for the doctors and nurses and acupuncture, all the people and technology you provide for us.

Thank you for Mike and S right here, right now, with me.

Thank you for Corey, Mack, Tray and their loving hearts.

Thank you for all the community of friends you have surrounded me with. Their love and compassion (and food and conversations and e-mails and cards and prayers) are overwhelmingly fantabulous (that really should be a word, don't you think?)

Thank you for the community who is praying for me. I don't know all of them for I have been told I am on many prayer lists. But I know prayer works.

May all those who are supporting me, be blessed by you Lord. May they have an extra portion of your peace and joy today. They are faithful, they have believing hearts and trusting spirits. They are putting into action your words:

Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made know to God.
And the peace of God, which passes all comprehension, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4

This is our family of five in Miami back in January.

Yes, Mack is eating dinner out of a wooden duck, Mike's was served in an iron pig, Tray has lobster mac and cheese, Corey's is served in some sort of an upside down hat.

I had hair.

This was a really fun dinner, eccentric with creative and delicious food.

We will be back...



This is our family of five in Miami back in January. Yes, Mack is eating dinner out of a wooden duck, Mike's was served in an iron pig, Tray has lobster mac and cheese, Corey's is served in some sort of an upside down hat. I had hair. This was a really fun dinner, eccentric with creative and delicious food. Barton G. We will be back...

Tomorrow Chemo # 3

Tomorrow is CHEMO NUMBER THREE. Twenty-one days have flown by. Flown by. I am not as anxious as the day before the first two ones. I know what to expect more, and I am certain the sinus infection is under control. YEAH! I have another seven days on this second dose of Avelox.

God has come through fabulously the first two chemos. God provides every little, and big, thing we need. He works through all you, my friends. And the medical community. And even gives me humor and a napping partner in our dog, Sporty the basset hound, otherwise known as our Princess.

Had a wonderful visit with Dad Saturday. Just he and I for lunch and then back to his apartment to look at mail and set out his meds for the next two weeks. He told me that he didn’t want me to worry about him all week, just take care of myself and get healed. It was so sweet.

Then I walked out to my car, got in, turned it on, and tears came. I missed my Mom. She died December 22, 2001. They were tears of love. And I was so thankful these tears appeared. So thankful I have the capacity to love and be loved.

Speaking of love, Mike loves it when I cook. I cooked a lot yesterday; I won’t be cooking for awhile and I love to cook. Made Mike the Caramel Cake we discovered a few months ago. He’s allergic to corn, which means for the last thirty years I have not been able to cook with powdered sugar (its three percent cornstarch). BUT Whole Foods in their infinite wisdom has chosen to minimize cornstarch and high fructose corn syrup in their products (don’t get me started on HFCS.) Their 365 Powdered Sugar has tapioca starch to keep it from clumping. Fantabulous! Now I can make the icing we have all grown up to love - powdered sugar and butter and vanilla - as well as a host of other desserts with powdered sugar, this Caramel Cake being one.

It stormed all day long, so our basset hound Princess Sporty stayed in the kitchen pantry and shook from fear all day long. Nothing calms her down, we try to hold her, pet her, talk to her, and she still is so afraid of the thunder. Why is she afraid of it, I have no clue. Static electricity? Is it because of the unknown, what does she think it is? Well, she is a dog and I know that dogs’ and human’s minds function differently and I can’t figure this one out.

Why do we get afraid? When we don’t know what’s going to happen? When we picture the potential outcomes and one or more of them isn’t so good? When we don’t have control and we don’t trust who is in control?

I know my outcome is good, I know God is healing me, I know that there isn’t anything that will happen in Chemo #3 that He hasn’t already known about and has an answer for. So why be afraid? He has grown and is growing my trust. YEAH GOD!


I ask for your prayers:

for my healing to continue

for all caregivers (in particular Mike and Suzanne,coming again from Charlotte!)

for Mike’s back muscle to heal

for God to be glorified in all

P.S. I just had a phenomenal day - Mall walk and lunch with S and D. D is a cancer survivor of years and years. She said something that resonated- I was saying, Do you think this blog is too much. For me it is so cathartic. Such a release and I am amazed at the things God points out to me as I write. And I am getting some e-mails back that others are reacting to it. D said, you do exactly what you want to do to heal. This is my time to either be quiet and crawl inside, or emote and accept the friends who offer words and companionship. Everyone heals in their own way, not one is the wrong or right way. So do what I am led to do.

I am thrilled I read Prodigal Son. I thought of that for the forty five minutes I lay in acupuncture. The Prodigal Son, well he had issues of outward disobedience but he turned back to his Father (God.) The Elder Son, he had issues too, inward and judgmental and the Father went out to get him. I know the Father won't give up on him. That's what hit me. God will never, ever give up on me, if I tell him I am angry at Him, if I turn away from Him. He's just that forgiving. He loves me THAT MUCH. And with Him on my side, what have I to fear...

===============================================================

Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice!
Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near.
Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.
And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus… Philippians 4

Listen and Cooperate

Proverbs 3: 5,6 
Trust in the LORD with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways acknowledge him,
and he will make your paths straight.

 for this sermon says, God is less interested in what we are doing than in who we are becoming. Mull that one over while you cook dinner tonight.

I used to think that there were lessons I needed to learn in events. You know, why do bad things happen to good people? Why do we fail sometimes? Then it hit me, first of all, not every event (good or bad) is about me. Maybe something happens because God is working in their lives, and I am a bystander. Secondly, I might not be learning a lesson, God might be working on my character, or refining me in a way I will never know. But He knows.

God is interested in who I am, not as much as the actions outside but the love inside.

Discerning God's Will was a question I have asked of people. HOW DO YOU KNOW GOD"S WILL. For me, He gives me peace. Not just that feeling of  "If it feels good, do it", but the peace that settles right into me, into my thoughts, my heart, my spirit. I am settled in my thoughts , in prayer, in going into the Bible. Peace is there.

I ask Mike and I ask friends (who I respect, choose who you ask carefully.)

I read the bible.

I pray.

I ask a minister (on big issues.)

But the absolute way I know a decision is what God wants is, He gives me peace. I feel settled. I think around the issue, and the negatives are not there or fade into the background verses the positives. It makes sense in light of God's strategic plan for me. I don't always have knowledge of God's will right away... but eventually it comes.

Do you start walking, and then hope you are on the right path? Or do you pray, wait until God shows you the path, then start walking? I think it is a little of both. I need to be in line and infused with God's spirit, which takes being still and looking to Him. Then I take that first step. He is so powerful that if I am wrong he will correct me. I don't want to be too still and not do anything for Him. But don't want to be too jumpy and busy and not do what He wants. It is a balance. Isn't that the answer to so many questions....

I am certain that if I choose against God's will, He loves me so much that He will somehow pick me up and put me back on the path He knows is the best one. I am also certain that it will be easier for me if I choose in line with God's will the first time.  A huge incentive to do the work on the front end.

When I know His will, I listen to it, and I try to cooperate with it.
If its not what I want to do, I ask Him to change my heart. And He will. He's awesome, isn't He?

Tropicana Field

For the first time in seven seasons, I am not attending the Championship Game. Its at Tropicana Field, and we treat the two teams to lunch in the coolest third base lunch room with a balcony the length of the room overlooking the field.  We watch the Rays play the Twins (today). Then our Florida League teams go warm up on an outside field.

Next, the BEST moment happens. These "Second round draft pick" and "I've played in the College World Series" college players who walk with a swagger because they are some of the best college players in the country, these guys enter Tropicana Field from a door in left centerfield.

They are like four year olds in a candy shop. Their mouths are open, they slow down their paces and stare at the ceiling (its a dome), at the seats, at the scoreboard. Some stop dead in their tracks. Some smile ear to ear, some just stand their with their mouths open. Some hit their buddy on the arm "Can you believe this!"

They take out their phones and take photos of themselves with the scoreboard in the back. They stoop to touch the artificial turf. They walk to their dugouts and put down their bags, carefully. They look around the dugouts, the very same benches Big Papi and A-Rod sit on.

This is what all our players dream of, have dreamed of for years and years of 6 AM running, skipping parties so you can get a good night sleep, working out until they throw up, practice in the cold rain, getting yelled at by your coach, playing through a sprain, long five hour bus rides home after a loss with a liter of soda and a cold pizza on their laps. Watching our players enter Tropicana is the biggest thank you for me for this league. We do it for the players. This is their moment. Their faces are the biggest thank you I could ever get. It is SOOOOOO much more fulfilling to give than to receive.

I will miss today. I'm amazed, but I have tears as I say that. I really am crying I am not there. It is just too long a day and I am really going to beat this sinus infection. I've been put on another ten days of Avelox antibiotic, so I need to cooperate with this healing stuff. I'll be there next year. And for many, many years to come.

Sign of healing

I asked God to give me signs that He is healing me. And He has. Surgery has healed great. Hot flashes show there's not much estrogen in my body any more. Hair fell out, shows me the Chemo is working on killing fast growing cells. Sinus infection is decreasing.

Here’s a big one. Many of you know I have had a sore and hoarse voice for about two years. Maybe three. On and off. Hoarse voice while talking days on end.  This hoarse voice and sore throat was the start of my breast cancer, I think. To try to solve it, I was given a prescription of estrogen and progesterone to get me above the "normal" range on blood work, to support my thyroid, which they thought had growths on it that caused my discomfort. Anyway....

I absolutely couldn’t sing. Nothing would come out, it was so frustrating and weird. I love singing, and have been blessed with a voice that isn’t quite on pitch all the time, but it has resonance. It projects. You hear it. Talking or laughing or singing, it can be heard. That's why I got parts in high school plays, you could hear my voice in the next county.
I went to a playoff game in Leesburg. First time in months I have been to a game standing there at the start. The Public Announcer announces everyone stand for a moment of silence for our military, and then we sing the National Anthem.

Well, I stand for the moment of prayer, and then when appropriate, I just start singing with everyone else. And I am singing just like I could have three years ago. I didn’t notice until halfway through, Mike is noticing, and after the song eight people in front of me turn around and smile and nod their heads (was I that bad, or that loud?)

I was singing. The voice is back! How cool is this… Thank you Jesus for the healing that is happening!!! And for letting me see evidence of it!

I don't think I would have had the guts to ask Jesus for a sign a year ago. Then again, a year ago, I wasn't dealing with clearing out cancer from my body. I needed this sign. Thank you....

The Prodigal Son - Multiple days

Today I feel pretty good. Still working on the sinus infection, getting better. Ramping up for Chemo #3 in six days. Port finally doesn't bother me. Okay, got that news out of the way. On to more important stuff, the stuff that will last forever. Soul stuff.

The Return of the Prodigal Son

Henri Nouwen's book on Rembrandt's painting

Instead of entering comments every day, I am going to put all my comments on this book in one entry. 

Wednesday  

Remember the story of the Prodigal Son? We all know it, we have heard it over and over and we know the lesson is that no matter what we have done, God welcomes us back with open arms.

Henri Nouwen wrote a fantastic book, based on this story and on Rembrandt's painting of this story. For some reason, I was compelled to read his book again.  It just came in the mail. As I remember, he first discusses the parable from the Prodigal Son's perspective, which is the one we all relate to traditionally. The younger prodigal son received his inheritance, left and spent it all partying, realizes he would have a better life back home as a servant than he does working manual labor in a strange land, and he is accepted back with a feast and royal treatment. Inspiration that however far we go from God, we are still His child, He loves us and will welcome us back. I like that. We all like that.

Then he looks at it through the Elder Dutiful Son's eyes, and then through the Father's eyes. The Elder Son who never gave his father any grief, but worked hard and diligently and was faithful. How does he feel about his brother's reception? Angry. Resentful.

And the Father, who has probably hoped and prayed for his son's return every day, yet at the same time his heart was so sad his son would be so reckless. How does he feel once the moment of joy and celebration is over? What does he do? Its not just the moments of reaction and emotion to the son's return, its the days and months and years that follow. Its been 15 years since I read Henri's insights.

Thursday 

Part I - The Prodigal Son's viewpoint

 Leaving Home

You have to leave before you can return. Henri Nouwen points out that this parable isn’t just about a son asking and getting his inheritance, it’s about each and every one of us who leave the home of the place where we know we are Beloved of God, and venture out into the place where we want to be loved of the world. You know that place. Where your eyes aren’t looking to Jesus for acceptance.  You are doing a task to get a compliment, or you are calling up someone because you want them to do something for you but not in this phone call, in the future.

I don’t know about you, but my past isn’t decadent. By any means. I am not bragging, I just didn’t have the energy to think of being decadent. I just didn't have time for getting into much trouble. School took a lot of hours. Tennis and the band (marching band, not a rock band. I played percussion, which means anything from the cymbals to the triangle.)  In college, our Friday nights often were Scrabble and a bottle of wine or champagne with C and B. Maybe going to a dance (but Mike never dances) or drinks at the Copper Penny or Grotto. We studied pretty much every night. I never had the desire to do wacko things, my life was an adventure enough. Our friends did all those crazy things, I listened. I also was one of those who pulled full or partial all-nighters weekly because Chemical  Engineers had a lot of problem sets and I was really into group work. So I was too tired to be wild. I will admit, I was not a Chemical Engineer by nature.  Mike was.  Mike never stayed up past 11:30 doing work in college. Yep, picture the two nerdiest people you know, and here we are (sorry Mack and Corey, I know you are cringing at this point.)

So, I never quite related to the prodigal son in Luke’s parable who went off and partied non-stop, running through his inheritance. BUT oh boy do I relate to the son who leaves the figurative “home” of both knowing and feeling you are one hundred percent loved by God. That if He had a refrigerator, my picture would be on it! I have left that ‘home’ and traveled to where I am looking for community, acceptance, friendship. Where I will say and act to gain that acceptance rather than speaking and acting in step with Jesus and out of desire to do His will. Not a place I want to be, but I go there. Is that rebellion, rebellion because part of me doesn’t want to submit to God’s authority, to let Him be in control?

Yes, I can relate to the prodigal son, and I leave my ‘home’ too often. How fantastic to return. Now, Lord, help me want to stay there.

Returning Home

I read the rest of the chapter on the Prodigal Son’s viewpoint. He has to decide the best choice is to return home, to repent, to ask forgiveness. Takes being at the bottom of the pit for some to do this. And he doesn’t even ask to be restored to full “sonship”, he says he will be a hired hand. Think of what it takes to return, to turn and ask forgiveness. It takes a complete change of heart, from “I know best” to “I messed up and God You know best.” Pride gets swallowed, and the thought of the potential for happiness and fun and fulfillment from wandering away from home is replaced by the reality that it was smoke and mirrors. It’s a sad moment for the son. And scary, as he doesn’t know if his father will take him back. How peaceful for us that we have the promise God will always take us back. He never wanted us to leave!

In Rembrandt's painting, Nouwen says the Prodigal Son looks like a baby’s head, a rebirth. I see that.

He also says he can think of the Prodigal Son as Jesus, having taken on all of our sins (he didn’t rebel), suffered and died for us, and is now back with the Father, receiving forgiveness for all of our sins.

To me, forgiving others is easy. It is easy when they ask for forgiveness, it is more difficult when they don’t ask, but I know I need to forgive anyway. I can’t always immediately, but it comes. And I truly feel unsettled until I do forgive someone. I have a much more difficult time forgiving myself. I’m working on that one.

Saturday 

Part II - The Elder Son

This viewpoint is the one that inspired me to buy the book and reread it. The painting by Rembrandt uses poetic license. The elder son is out in the fields working when he hears the feast and celebration going on, so he wasn't watching when the father and prodigal son first met up. In fact, the elder son was angry and jealous that his wayward brother was getting a celebration, better than he himself had ever gotten. He had always done the right things, worked hard, tried to please his father, and he was jealous. Rembrandt puts him in the painting, that's okay by me.

He was probably tired from working so hard, being the dutiful son, and he just didn't know why his brother, who had been irresponsible, was getting such a warm welcome. Resentful.

It is such an awful feeling, jealousy, resentment, why me? It creeps into without me knowing, not often, but it creeps. On tippy toes. That little thought pops into my head - why wasn't I invited to that party, why is he getting the thank you because I did most of the project, why did I get cancer, etc... So petty and really distasteful. Most of the time, I can just catch that thought and throw it back out the window.

But there are moments when I don't have the spiritual strength, and I let it linger in my mind a little too long. It gets comfortable, sits down and decides to stay. We can't control our feelings, but we have control over our thoughts, which create our feelings. So when that jealous thought slips in, whoosh I need to send it packing. Right away.

I get this feeling (resentment) when my cup isn't filled up. When I have been short cutting my bible reading and prayer and devotional time. When I haven't been listening to God speaking. He's been speaking, I just haven't been listening.

In the painting the Elder son is the figure on the far right. Red robe, pretty stoic, body language says he's withdrawn, not wanting to be part of this reunion

So this elder brother is brewing jealousy, resentment.  He's angry. I don't get the angry part, but oh well, anger isn't my strong suit. I get hurt. He refuses to celebrate. What does the Father do? Comes out to him and says  Son, you don't understand. You're with me all the time, and everything that is mine is yours.

So if I am the Elder Son, and I am jealous or envious of how good He (God the Father) is to someone else who I feel is a bit undeserving, here's His response to me:

Right off, the Father came out to the Elder son. The Hound of Heaven (John Donne's words) keeps following us, He comes to meet us, He wants us to be with Him. Its not like an argument where each doesn't want to be the first to approach the other for reconciliation. God our Father has shown us with His Son Jesus that He will do whatever it takes for us to be totally in relationship with Him. So in this parable, the Father comes out to the resentful, jealous Elder Son. God has already come to me.

Oh, this is exactly what I would want to hear.... First "son", the Father reinforcing that I am His child. No if's, and's or but's. No qualifiers. Nothing I need to do to remain His son, I am His.

Secondly, "you don't understand." Sara, you are processing what is happening incorrectly. Look at this event through different eyes, the eyes of love and forgiveness. Stand next to me and in my arms and look at your brother coming home. Change your viewpoint.

Thirdly, "You're with me all the time". The Father is reminding me that He and I have a relationship that is solid. Past, present and future. It's not a pie and because my brother gets more, I get less. A relationship with God goes beyond human understanding, into the infinite. He and I are connected constantly, and I have had the joy of NOT being far away from Him.

Fourthly, "Everything that is mine is yours." In the parable, this is material possessions I am guessing. With God, He's telling me that He isn't holding back anything from me. He has strength and love and healing power and grace and mercy and joy and so much more, which He wants to share with me, He wants me to be a vessel to bring glory to Him. He wants me to be part of the plan, and it will be a wild and wonderful adventure. Everything. He will not hold back anything from me. He will abide in me and me in Him.

And lastly, "but this is a wonderful time, and we had to celebrate." I am part of the inner circle, and here's my brother who has returned. He has returned to the family. I am loved by the Father, and so is my brother. More love makes it better.

So, HOW TO CHANGE MY OUTLOOK FROM resentment to acceptance?

Henri Nouwen has two things - Trust and Gratitude.

Trust. Trust what I said above, that the Father loves me and it is forever and unwavering. If the Father loves someone else too, it does not diminish His love for me one iota. Trust Him. More than believing in Him. Trust your entire life to Him. Trust that His love is limitless and unconditional, and is the best thing I could possibly imagine.

Gratitude. Be thankful for all, for the big and the little. For the past for the present and for the future. Be thankful for every inch of your life. I am thankful for my loving husband, loving sons and daughter-in-law, kindhearted friends and family. For technology and medicine. For getting cancer and the healing of cancer. For my home, the blessings of my day to day life. For the things that are obvious blessings, and also for the things that don't seem like it at the time, but I know and trust God will work in them for good.

I have also learned that not everything is about me. Sometimes God has me in a situation, and God is using me (in a good way- in the way I want to be used by Him) for His purpose for someone else. I am just part of the picture. Lord, just give me peace about those times!

For me these are two things to think about -

How can I increase my trust in my Father,

and

How can I increase my gratitude.

Search me oh Lord, and show me...

Sunday

Part III - The Father's viewpoint

Now looking through the eyes of the Father. Nouwen concludes that the Father is who we are all ascribing to be. Unconditional love, limitless forgiveness. The light in the painting draws you to his compassionate face, his hands bestowing blessing and his red mantle as shielding and protecting.

The Father is God our father. We as Christians are called to be as the Father is to the world.... not stay as the outwardly wayward prodigal son, or not harden as the inwardly wayward elder son. But to mature in God's grace so we might love as this Father loves his son.

Wow, I didn't see that coming. Didn't ever relate the Father in this parable to myself. But Nouwen doesn't say we are there yet, he says that is what we are called to strive for. Phew...

Something I think is awesome - the Father ran out to greet BOTH the sons. Our Lord is actively searching for each of us. Whenever we go off from being right there in the middle of our relationship with him, He reaches out for us. He uses all our experiences for good. He protects us from wandering too far that we can't turn around and start back.

And what are we starting back to? The joy, the peace, the certainty that we are part of God's household. God, who is the pinnacle of love, who is stronger than death, who wants us to be in the world, but not of the world. He wants us, comes after us, asks us to be in His kingdom now.

This is the joy that is ours in any and every circumstance we find ourselves in. I acknowledge there is darkness and sadness and hurt and suffering, but I choose to live in a world of light and joy and hope and love.

May I be used by God every day to shine His light on the joy in the world. To alleviate some of the darkness, sadness, hurt, suffering. May I choose everyday to be joyful, to keep focused on God. To be thankful. To be compassionate. To forgive easily. To love and to accept love.

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The parable of the Prodigal Son :
Luke 15:11-32 (The Message)

The Story of the Lost Son
11-12 Then he said, "There was once a man who had two sons. The younger said to his father, 'Father, I want right now what's coming to me.'"

12-16 "So the father divided the property between them. It wasn't long before the younger son packed his bags and left for a distant country. There, undisciplined and dissipated, he wasted everything he had. After he had gone through all his money, there was a bad famine all through that country and he began to hurt. He signed on with a citizen there who assigned him to his fields to slop the pigs. He was so hungry he would have eaten the corncobs in the pig slop, but no one would give him any.

17-20 "That brought him to his senses. He said, 'All those farmhands working for my father sit down to three meals a day, and here I am starving to death. I'm going back to my father. I'll say to him, Father, I've sinned against God, I've sinned before you; I don't deserve to be called your son. Take me on as a hired hand.' He got right up and went home to his father.

20-21 "When he was still a long way off, his father saw him. His heart pounding, he ran out, embraced him, and kissed him. The son started his speech: 'Father, I've sinned against God, I've sinned before you; I don't deserve to be called your son ever again.'

22-24 "But the father wasn't listening. He was calling to the servants, 'Quick. Bring a clean set of clothes and dress him. Put the family ring on his finger and sandals on his feet. Then get a grain-fed heifer and roast it. We're going to feast! We're going to have a wonderful time! My son is here—given up for dead and now alive! Given up for lost and now found!' And they began to have a wonderful time.

25-27 "All this time his older son was out in the field. When the day's work was done he came in. As he approached the house, he heard the music and dancing. Calling over one of the houseboys, he asked what was going on. He told him, 'Your brother came home. Your father has ordered a feast—barbecued beef!—because he has him home safe and sound.'

28-30 "The older brother stalked off in an angry sulk and refused to join in. His father came out and tried to talk to him, but he wouldn't listen. The son said, 'Look how many years I've stayed here serving you, never giving you one moment of grief, but have you ever thrown a party for me and my friends? Then this son of yours who has thrown away your money on whores shows up and you go all out with a feast!'

31-32 "His father said, 'Son, you don't understand. You're with me all the time, and everything that is mine is yours—but this is a wonderful time, and we had to celebrate. This brother of yours was dead, and he's alive! He was lost, and he's found!'"

From an Osprey's Nest

Last night Mike went mall walking with me. Now those of you who know Mike know what a sacrifice that was. He detests shopping, malls, crowds. He enters a store and his eyes glaze over.  He literally slows down his stride and looks like a zombie floating through the aisles of makeup and perfume. But for me, to get air conditioned exercise, we went mall walking. Then we ate at my favorite California Pizza Kitchen. And to top off the evening, we watched Game 1 of Playoffs for our beloved Florida League. Life is resuming back to normal (well, not the Mike mall walking part), and that is a joy.

For six seasons I have worked full time on the Florida League. Summer wood bat college baseball partially funded by Major League Baseball, for those of you who don't know. This fall, Rob and Stefano took over most of the operations, as we were focused on Mike's mother and father, and the wedding in March. Then as of May, I have been in touch with Rob, but that's about it. They have done FANTASTIC! I went to games at all home fields the first week, threw out the first pitch at All Stars, and have kept up via internet. And here we are, the playoffs. Wow. The General Managers, the league interns, the team interns, the journalism and broadcast interns, scorekeepers, trainers, umpires, stadium crews, the plentiful volunteers. And the absolute best coaches in the world. I stand by that. Such as Davey Johnson and Frank Viola. These guys are unbelievable. The 140 college players that traveled here to play this summer got an experience they will never forget.

Last night, Mike and I sat 80 feet above the ground, on the top level of the football stadium, the back of it is overlooking the field. Watching the game. This is like the view osprey have from their nests on light poles in Florida. We left in the sixth (my bedtime), but listened to the rest on the internet when we got home. Ended in the thirteenth inning, wild pitch scored a run. Oh my goodness. Loosing team packs it up for the summer, winners advance. Tonight starts the best of three series in Sanford and in DeLand. Thursday is our Championship in Tropicana Field. Here's our website: www.floridaleague.com

How different this season has been from the past six. And isn't this just a perfect sign of things to come... the chapters in our lives... each good. God is showing Mike and I that He has some ideas for us. Let us be still and listen.