Yesterday was a blue day. Do you have these?
Absolutely nothing about yesterday, Thursday, was different than Wednesday.
The details of my life were identical to the day before, but my filter was making everything look blue.
I think this was incited by my failure Wednesday afternoon to maintain peace and positivity when the power went out. I failed the "Trust me in all things" test. So, to build on that failure, I proceeded to point out all the other failures I see in me. To me.
What a doofus I am.
My feet have concrete blocks tied to them.
My head slightly aches.
Why do anything?
Who would want to be with me?
What's the use of typing out an e-mail, who would want to read it?
Can I really do all these chemos?
Boy, without the wig I look like an alien, ET.
In fact, with the wig on I don't look so hot either.
Oops, here comes a hot flash, okay every cell in my body has decided to rev up at once, I am dripping sweat and the thermometer in this room reads 72.
Time to get some exercise, onto the elliptical. But why do that, no energy.
Some women go to work all through chemo. I am a wienie.
My chemo port is just driving me crazy, why is it in my arm?
I should get Dad's meds sorted out for another week. Too tired, wait until Saturday.
My tomato plants all died. I didn't water them. Could I rescue them? No.
When is this chemo ever going to end?
I am so sick of drinking water, to flush out the kidneys.
I should do some desk work, that will only frustrate me more. But I should.
I wanted to take up Yoga, why didn't I?
On and on and on...
Oh, the valleys the thoughts can wander down.
At 53, I know these blue days, or really hours, don't last long. I can stop them right away usually, because at some point I listen to the conversation in my mind. So self centered... poor me, woe is me, me, me, me. And I say, Really Sara? THIS is what you are occupying your thoughts with? These comments? All about you? Pretty silly...
As I know God is so efficient (that is really a neat thing about Him), He can step in and use these blue moments for some good eye-opening for me. He has done that in the past, He will do it now.
This is how it all started: I failed on a "Trust me, do not be anxious" exercise on Wednesday. And honestly, it wasn't a total F, maybe a C. I had a friend sitting in the car right next to me who kept telling me that the lights/electricity would go on, and kept trying to distract me (which is usually pretty easy.) But I wasn’t distracted. I panicked. Oh I am tired and why does this have to happen today? Mike after a long day at the office will come home to no food, and a hot muggy house. He will be irritated, I feel irritated. Not a good combination, and it is my fault. ALL MY FAULT.
That is how out of reality your thoughts can become when you are blue. That it is my fault that a storm downed a power in our neighborhood. Hm...
Anne Lamott (the dear blond dread-locked single mom in San Francisco who writes phenomenal books) says she has two main prayers, two go-to prayers. "Help me, Help me, Help me," and " Thank you , thank you , thank you." I think you can say them both at once. As we ask, He comes through.
But I didn't ask.
When you are in a blue day, basically you are saying you are not sure you trust Him. Well, really, you aren't thinking of Him at all. You are putting Him on hold, and answering the phone call from the part of you that just wants to live in the pits.
Why do we do this? All I have to do is call out to God, and He is there waiting to answer. He listens to all my cries. Before I utter even one pitiful cry, He knows and He already has the answer, and probably is working it out in my life if I would bother to look. I just wasn't listening, I wasn't looking. I had my back turned away from Him.
WHY DO WE DO THAT?
WHY DO I DO THAT?
Does it come down to control? There is a part of me that still wants to be in control. I intellectually WANT to give control, authority, power to God for every centimeter of my life, and I do. Then I reach out, maybe slyly, and take back one little bit, then another. And another.
Lord you have amazing patience with me. And I know it is limitless. May I not get anywhere near your limit (I could digress on discussion of infinity here but we will leave that to ninth grade geometry and Euclid and Archimedes).
How did I snap out of the blue Thursday?
There are ways I use, time tested. Pick up the basket of cards, e-mails and letters from you all of encouragement. Pick up the bible and read Hebrews 11 and 12 (my chapters I have clung to since high school). Pick up the phone and call a friend. Pick up my feet and walk to a friends house. Pick up by IPOD and listen to Casting Crowns Praise You in this Storm. It all involves me doing one action, one little action.
How did I snap out of the blue this time? My darling husband, who also has patience with me. Not limitless, but pretty darn close. He watches me, keeps telling me he loves me, and then, when he sees my eyes sparkle just a hint, he jumps in - hugs and talk about the dog or the Tigers or the weather. Silly talk. Just talk. He tells me, You are going through so much, don’t worry that it bothers you sometimes. Don’t be so hard on yourself. He starts building the bridge so I can cross back into the world.
And I'm back. The point is, my husband never gives up on me. And if he doesn't, just think how God is. Hugging me and loving me every second. And when the sparkle comes, that's when I am turning to face back to Jesus. Maybe just glancing over my shoulder to see if He is possibly there. And there He is, overjoyed that He can show me today how much He loves me, because I will be looking at Him. I will see all the footprints of His love.
Why would we ever turn away from someone who loves us so unconditionally and completely and perfectly as God does?
My answer: Because we don't feel worthy of His love. I don't. As I am one speck of sand in the beach of humanity, and He knows all about me, knows all my thoughts, the number of hairs on my head (that's not difficult today), and knew me in my mother's womb. There is no way I can be worth His attention. Well, even in my top of the mountain days I know I am not worthy. None of us are.
That's where GRACE comes in. God would move mountains, create sunsets, heal me, sacrifice His Son, just to show me how much He loves me. I don't deserve it. But He does it anyway. He loves me. Unmerited favor. Grace.
Grace is a breath taking concept. I for one am tickled pink God thought it up.
