Good morning all.
I am getting all ramped up for Chemo #2. How different than three weeks ago when I was high on anticipation for the first chemo. This time I am much more settled. Trying to treat my body gently, more cooperative with the whole process. Not as scared. How easy to be scared of the unknown. I realize every chemo treatment might will be slightly different, but at least I have an idea of what will happen. Knowledge is power.
I am still in awe of how people have responded to my needs. God really provides everything you need, through friends and family. We had a weekend of giddiness with Mack, Tray, Corey and T. In the afternoons we simply sat around the television and watched the British Open (you go Shrek) and chatted. Golf is like baseball, lots of time to talk while watching it. Two evenings we went out to dinner, then came home played Catch Phrase and laughed and laughed and laughed.
Heraclitus (Greek philosopher) said, You can't step into the same river twice. Time moves forward, things change. How silly to worry about that change.
Jesus says, Do not worry, saying 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' But seek first the kingdom and God and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well".
So I am to tell Jesus my worries, and let Him provide for me. Give up control of this changing life to Him. So much easier to say than to do. Well, I will at least try.
Some notes I wrote during a sermon this week... the sermon was titled Choose Forgiveness, but my notes rambled sideways.
1. Be still and know that I am God
2. We all need community
3. Sit back, relax, accept joy, be open to joy
4. Let God do His work, accept His healing in all parts of you
5. Be open to friends and love. Be a clay pipe not a clay jar, and let God's love flow into me and through me to others.
6. Lean on Jesus
7. Search me oh God and know my thoughts, test me and know my anxious thoughts. Psalm 139. (Finally one of he notes I took refer to the sermon) What I get out of this is, God's Holy Spirit is searching me to find where I am in need of Him, and then He shines His light on it and POOF in His mercy I am cleansed - of that sin or that habit or that anxiety... and in His time I will see the change. The momentum is all HIM.. I simply need to be open and listening and willing.
Lovely words from a friend - You are a strong passionate woman. You will do this.
Lovely words from one of the doctors - You will be a witness to others.
I've been asking fellow cancer folks - what did you visualize when you had your treatments, or your sad moments? What comforted you?
1. Sitting on a porch swing with God rocking you
2. Pac men gobbling up the cancer cells
3. The fresh cool crisp running water of a brook in the northeast, the pure gurgling water washing me
4. The blood of Jesus cleansing my body from the toes to the tip of my head
5. The light of Jesus shining into every inch of your body, letting there be no darkness
6. Sunshine, just the warmth of sunbathing with the suns healing rays reaching into everywhere
7. The ocean's waves washing into every cell, and washing the cancer ones away.
I am setting up to make this Chemo easier than the next, but really I will listen to my body and respond best I can. Dear S is coming down to stay here through the weekend, so I will have company all day.
When the hair fell out, I saw two what I thought were really suspicious scalp spots, so this morning, the dermatologist took both out, have two stitches each. And he told me to not do anything to get my heart rate up today, as scalp incisions bleed easily. So no exercise today... AHHHH.. we'll see how this makes the Chemo #2 go. Maybe better! Mike's been urging me to not get exhausted exercising. Hmmm.
So, please pray for the healing to continue, for the side effects to be minimal and doable, for no infections to happen, for the lymph nodes in my neck to stay small and not tender. And please pray for Mike and me, for God's peace which passes all understanding keep our hearts and minds on Jesus Christ our Lord. And for S who is willing to give up a week, to come here and be my every minute caregiver. May she have some good books to read as I sleep a lot!
May God continue to bless you, and all of us, as the days unfold
Love to you all, sara
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Here's all of Psalm 139 (from The Message)
Psalm 139, A David Psalm
1-6 God, investigate my life; get all the facts firsthand.
I'm an open book to you;
even from a distance, you know what I'm thinking.
You know when I leave and when I get back;
I'm never out of your sight.
You know everything I'm going to say
before I start the first sentence.
I look behind me and you're there,
then up ahead and you're there, too—
your reassuring presence, coming and going.
This is too much, too wonderful—
I can't take it all in!
7-12 Is there anyplace I can go to avoid your Spirit?
to be out of your sight?
If I climb to the sky, you're there!
If I go underground, you're there!
If I flew on morning's wings
to the far western horizon,
You'd find me in a minute—
you're already there waiting!
Then I said to myself, "Oh, he even sees me in the dark!
At night I'm immersed in the light!"
It's a fact: darkness isn't dark to you;
night and day, darkness and light, they're all the same to you.
13-16 Oh yes, you shaped me first inside, then out;
you formed me in my mother's womb.
I thank you, High God—you're breathtaking!
Body and soul, I am marvelously made!
I worship in adoration—what a creation!
You know me inside and out,
you know every bone in my body;
You know exactly how I was made, bit by bit,
how I was sculpted from nothing into something.
Like an open book, you watched me grow from conception to birth;
all the stages of my life were spread out before you,
The days of my life all prepared
before I'd even lived one day.
17-22 Your thoughts—how rare, how beautiful!
God, I'll never comprehend them!
I couldn't even begin to count them—
any more than I could count the sand of the sea.
Oh, let me rise in the morning and live always with you!
And please, God, do away with wickedness for good!
And you murderers—out of here!—
all the men and women who belittle you, God,
infatuated with cheap god-imitations.
See how I hate those who hate you, God,
see how I loathe all this godless arrogance;
I hate it with pure, unadulterated hatred.
Your enemies are my enemies!
23-24 Investigate my life, O God,
find out everything about me;
Cross-examine and test me,
get a clear picture of what I'm about;
See for yourself whether I've done anything wrong—
then guide me on the road to eternal life.
