Lady Di and Joy

Prince William is engaged. He gave Kate his mother's engagement ring.

Any of you who are mid-fifties know exactly what Lady Di's ring looked like, the engagement photo was captivating. A large sapphire surrounded by diamonds, and she was in a royal blue suit with Charles standing behind her.

Then came the wedding - I woke up at 5 AM to watch the magic unfold. I was married and had a baby.  My life was diapers and 2 AM feedings,  her life was a fairy tale.  It was a precursor to today's reality television shows. No internet, television coverage was spotty. ESPN and CNN had just started (remember early ESPN - showing college lacrosse games with one camera shooting). Their wedding was the real life of all those stories where the prince and the princess ride off happily ever after.

Years later we heard about Camilla.  And next we heard about Dodi.

Didn't want to hear the fairy tale was fiction, but it was. So we all accepted it, and marched on with our lives. Loss of innocence as the years passed. Diana became another face we would see in the magazines at the grocery store check-out counters.

Remember where you were when she died, Sunday night of Labor Day weekend in 1997? How did you hear, how did you feel?

I was in Spring Island South Carolina with Mike, Mack, Corey. We walked into the restaurant for breakfast and there was the newspaper with headlines about the crash. I felt devastated.  I was surprised I was speechless over this event. A woman I didn't know, who had a created a life day by day. She had disappointments and hurts, and she had happiness and joy. She lacked for nothing materially. She was beautiful and had two healthy kids. A country adored her. Yet people say she was unhappy.

Who you love and who loves you, those are what count in the long run.

What did I feel seeing the headlines? I was incredulous that she would be dead. She was larger than life, how could she ever ever die, and in a silly car crash?

What do I feel now, thinking back on her?  I feel incredibly lucky.  I am alive.

I have family and friends who I love and who love me.
The things that count,  life and love.

Yes, I am in healing phase for cancer, but I know it is working.

Someone asked me today how do I know I am healing?

I said, I just know. I just know.

Paul in Philippians is all about joy not depending on what is happening to you, but on your goal being Christ. He was in prison when he wrote this book, and yet he talks of joy and contentment.

Joy does not depend on your surroundings.

Joy comes from turning to face God, and accepting His gracious gift of love.

And just knowing...

Am I where I want to be?

Ten years ago, where did you want to be today?
Are you there?

Ten years ago,  I did not want to be sitting on this sofa with a scarf on my hairless head, mindfully meditating on my body healing from an infection as well as from cancer.

I can also honestly say that, right now, this is exactly where I do want to be. I was stopped in my tracks, shaken up and stirred. I was made to be still. My eyes were turned upward towards God and inward towards my soul. I am learning how much God loves me. And wants to be with me. All day long.

From Isaiah 30:
Only in returning to me and resting in me will you be saved.
   In quietness and confidence is your strength.

Where ever you are right now, regardless of whether this was your plan, know that God will use this time for good. For you, for others, who knows. God knows...

This gives me encouragement, that God is in control. And that the end of the story is a good one.

Remember the story of Joseph in Genesis, such a fantastic story. What does Joseph say to his brothers when they find out he is a ruler in Egypt and they were so sorry for having sold him into slavery?

He says, You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives.

It took Joseph a long time to get to the point where he saw his sufferings as turning out to have meaning. And certainly not all we call bumps in the road are anything near what he endured.

I know God will use this time in my life for good.
For me, I have already seen good things.
Good for others, He will show me what He wants me to do.


Something I wrote last week, wrote in the back of the book Love Medicine and Miracles:

I want to live.
I want to grow old. I want to hug my grandkids. 

I have a voice.
I say, no this isn't too hard.

I don't want to be afraid anymore that I am doing this wrong. 

I can learn to take care of me.
I can find my joy. 
I can choose what to do.
I can fail, I'll just get up and try again. 


I can tell God all my complaints, He wants to hear them. 
He replaces them with His words. 
He sings a song to my heart.


I lift my eyes to the Lord. 
Thank you.
He is healing me. 

Choose Joy

This is the twenty-first year of Book Lunch.

Friday at the end of our meeting at Cafe de France (fantastic chicken and spinach crepes, salad, creme brulee) we took a photo.  Unfortunately some had already left, but I forgot to take it before we starting our drifting back into real life...
The twenty-first year of the Lucky Thirteen (there are fourteen of us, we counted wrong when we thought up that title. Okay, we read and think, we aren't so great at counting...)

The twenty-first year of us meeting one Friday a month to discuss a book we have read, what the author was trying to say, how it changed our thinking, amongst other conversation. Sometimes we add a Wine on Wednesday, movie night, or overnight getaway. The attendance ebbs and flows like the tide, we all travel.

I think it is fair to say each of us fourteen have had ups and downs in our lives through the years. We have had parents and family with illnesses, and some pass away. Kids grow up and leave the home, some come back to live at home. Kids graduate from high school, college, get married, get jobs, go back to school. Our husbands work, we work. We vacation. Three of us are breast cancer survivors (I am soon to be the fourth.)

After a summer off, it was the very definition of comfort to be sitting at a table with these ladies. The collective personality of this group is strong and alive to me. So we talked a little about me, not too much I hope.

One question resonated with me all day, I thought about it ever since. J asked, Is it hard to always be so positive?

I answered, Yes, sometimes it is hard. That's okay. Not often though. Most most most of the time it is the way I am.

I have moments such as Friday night a week ago where, after the tough physical day and I was upstairs at the end of the day sitting on the ottoman in my closet.  I put my head in my hands and cried, Why does this have to be so hard? Cried for two minutes.

Mike sat down next to me. Don't remember what he said (sorry Mike, but that proves it isn't ever the exact words someone says that counts, as much as how the moment impacts your heart) but I remember vividly feeling his love and unconditional support, added to that of my kids from the fantastic evening. Then I stood up, said, Okay, that's past. Now onward and upward.

Without Mike, without the evening of Mack, Tray, Corey... well, that moment would have been so much harder. So much harder. Not impossible though. But harder. God was right there sitting on the ottoman with me as well. It is just easier for me when His love is shown through physical humans.

Or middle of the night, I am up and thinking... I repeat Psalm 23, slowly. I remember words of encouragement sent my way. I talk to God.

It is a choice to be positive. A daily choice. Some days I have to make it a dozen times.

But those moments of fear are fewer and farther between now, very few. Very far between. God has grown my faith in healing and His presence is so big in this whole cancer adventure. I acknowledge fear and doubt when they pop up, but I try to stop them in their tracks and don't let them grow. I choose to grab them and throw them up to God, let Him deal with it.

I will wander a bit here, thoughts on Joy, Positive choices, etc.. I hope I don't sound preachy.

Choose. That's what it comes down to for me. I can't choose my emotions, but I can choose my thoughts. And our thoughts feed our emotions. I have decided to not let those negative, fearful thoughts that creep in once in a while grow. I choose to choke them out immediately. Choke them out intentionally with positive messages.

I am not ignoring or denying my situation. I know God is healing me thoroughly, and I am doing my best to cooperate, using main stream medicine and any alternative medicine they allow me now (which is acupuncture, as anything else taken into my body might mess up the chemo.) I am choosing to stay in the positive about it. I don't want to waste a single day of life not living in joy.

Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus. 1 Thess 5

Always be full of joy in the Lord. Phil 4

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law. Gal 5

We are told by the Bible over and over to choose joy.

Joy is a gift of the Spirit living in us, so we are to make our lives a fertile ground for the Spirit to live and grow. For me, this is a continual learning process. I do better some days than others. The days I do best are the ones where I open myself up to God's presence more fully than others. Why don't I do this every day? I don't know.

Joy is intermingled with being thankful. I don't know much more about that, but just that they are two sides of the same coin.

Joy is different than happiness. Happiness depends on your situation. Joy comes from within. Someone said years ago in a bible study - Happiness can come from an ice cream cone, Joy comes from love.

Why and when did I make this choice to stay in the positive, in joy? I don't know. I do know that I have always known it is your attitude towards your surroundings that is important, far more than your surroundings.

I had a good childhood, not the most fun but it had a lot of good in it. As with us all, there were many things about it I would have liked to not experience. But it is those tough times that let me see that I had a choice as to how I react. And they made me who I am today.

I read a biography on Ronald Regan... He said he was thankful one of his parents was an alcoholic, as it made him who he was today, and he was President at the time. So my thought process is nothing new. And I don't have any desire to be President, just in case you were wondering where that line of thought was going.

The first place we lived when we were married, just graduated from college, was a small town in Texas. Mike and I both worked at a chemical plant. It was a dry county, small town of ten thousand people. I was light years away from my home and family in Pennsylvania, and from the energy and friends of college. There weren't many women working in my department. And there weren't many Yankees. The guys in the plant were polite, most of the time, especially when they needed something from me. But I didn't really fit in.

I couldn't wait to leave. Couldn't wait.

When we moved to Florida, four years later, it hit me. I didn't live every day fully in Texas because I was always waiting to move on. I had fun days, made friends, became a mom, grew spiritually, lots of good things happened in Texas, but I was always waiting to leave, like I was never settled. Just passing through. When I move, THEN I can settle down and enjoy life. Then I will blossom and grow.

So it hit me, I don't want to live that way. I don't want to hurry any day through. Each one has twenty four hours, I choose joy for all twenty four.

All my friends and family, you are crucial to my joy. So is the quiet time I spend with God. Reciting the Psalms (I am really enjoying repeating Psalm 23 over and over.) Praying and wandering through the bible. Just wandering. It is a really good read.

You will show me the path of life;
In Your presence is fullness of joy; Psalm 16

Staying in God's presence... that brings me joy.

What lasts forever? Our spirits, our souls. And how much time each day do you spend nourishing your soul?
Just a question.

I choose Joy, I choose to stay in God's presence.

This is why I am thankful my body had cancer.
God in His ever knowing efficiency is using this moment to gently turn my eyes back towards Him. I have the chance to stop running and accomplishing, to lie down and be still. He will restore my soul.

So that I might know that He is God.

PS. I have been thinking after writing this blog, there's a very important point I forgot to mention. If you want to be of the sort who chooses joy, ask God to help you change your way of thinking. He wants to.

It won't happen in an instant, but over time.

And personally, I keep asking Him to be present and to open my eyes to see as He sees. It is a process. I still have to work at choosing to stay positive.

And if you don't believe in Him, or that He would do something as change your mental processing, ask Him anyway. Just because you don't believe in Him, doesn't mean He doesn't exist.

Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Romans 12

PPS. Last Post Script I promise. I know every person reading this has the capacity to charge through and beat any obstacle they find in their path. You and God. I know this!

Details of Chemo #4 - Love is present!

I am a strong willed person. The Friday after Chemo #4 at noon, it took all of my will to get up out of bed. This noon moment Friday was the worst physically I felt of all this adventure.

I am also a person constantly amazed and thankful at how joy can bubble up when you least expect it. The Friday after Chemo #4 after dinner, I could not stop a few tears of joy as I lay on the sofa listening to all four of my family in the kitchen cleaning up after dinner, for a full forty five minutes, laughing and talking and laughing. This after dinner moment Friday was the best moment for my spirit of all this adventure, one of the top ten moments of my whole life perhaps!

You know how you want to capture a moment, put it in a bottle so you can open it up in the future to savor it again? That was Friday night. The sound of laughter. Laughter is just the best thing ever. When you hear it, it is contagious. It comes in waves. Peals of laughter.

And each of them has a different laugh, I know their sounds so well. These were belly laughs, some put your head back and let it out laughs, stop what you are doing and turn and look and laugh.

I was exhausted from sitting up at the dining table for thirty minutes, so after we ate a delicious meal cooked by a dear friend, I shuffled to my sofa in the living room, got under my quilt and let my heart race on while my body just sank into stillness. Mack, Tray, Corey and Mike all were cleaning up. I could hear the tone of their voices in the kitchen. Couldn't make out any words, just the tone, like someone talking under water. I could hear the dishwasher opening, the sink being turned on to rinse, the refrigerator door opening, storage containers being taken out, plastic wrap drawer opening up. You know the sounds of your own kitchen, I could picture each of them in there. Someone eating one more spoonful of mashed potatoes, someone else tossing the plastic wrap box up in the air and catching it while talking.

One or two of them were talking at a time, then a slight hesitation, and one laughs first, then they all laugh. It quiets down, the conversation(s) start up again, and another wave of laughter. A follow up comment, and another wave of laughter. It went on and on. Not an efficient clean up operation, but that wasn't the point. It was a family, it was love. And I was just soaking it in.

How can you not just lie there thanking God that He has given you this family? I thought of how Mike and I met in a physics lab in college. Two nerdy kids. And how God had patience with us to bring us together (I'll tell that story later, for those of you who don't know). Then came Mack, then Corey. Two awesome sons. Mack brought us Tray. An awesome daughter. They are thoughtful, kind, with loving hearts and they act out their compassion. Look, they all came to dinner last night (Mack and Tray from Asheville) to wrap their arms around Mike and I and love us.

So, on the worst day came the best moment. Isn't God just so cool to do that? He knew I needed it right then. God provides. He provides even when we don't ask.

I will tell you, I am writing this Monday. I have been really too tired to sit and type until now. And I didn't realize the worst/ best moment connection until yesterday (Sunday.) I didn't realize it Friday night, I was just surviving. I didn't realize it Saturday, still surviving. And Sunday I was rebuilding. Sorting through the weekend. Mack and Tray left for home Sunday, I was still tired. As all things go, I was sad to have them leave, missed them and Corey and the upbeat atmosphere of having so many people who love us here in the house. That's human nature, to be missing them so intensely then. I burst into tears at one point to Mike Sunday night, why does this have to be so hard? A few minutes of tears and hugs, and then its so cool, God reaches down and picks us up and we are embraced by His loving arms. As in Psalm 23, He restores my soul.

What causes this joy, this happiness, this peace, this contentment?

It is the gift of presence. That's what I think. It is not just quality time, or saying the perfect words. It is not anything about being perfect. It is about the presence of love. The presence of God. The presence of those who love you. The presence of kind messages, thoughtful gifts, food, prayers.

It is the gift of presence of love.

We are not perfect, so our love will not be perfect. But you and I both know when love is evident. When love is being offered and given freely, with no thought to what is gotten back in return. Even though love is never perfect, it is the MOST WONDERFUL THING!!!

That's what I was feeling Friday night, the presence of love.


Mack and Tray decided to surprise Mike and drive down for a two night visit,from Asheville, with their bulldog Dwight Howard. I was in on this surprise, and tried my best to keep it a surprise. I think I did! They arrived at lunchtime Friday, walked into our house while Mike and I were sitting at the dining table. (Mike had come home from work to see me at lunchtime.) He was so surprised, he jumped up and hugged them and you know those times, you all keep repeating how you planned it and here they are and as parents, we just keep staring at them and smiling... these are our kids and look how they are adults and so darned mature and caring! I slept all afternoon, Corey joined us for dinner, and, well, you know the rest of Friday night's story...

Saturday was watching college football, me napping on and off. Some of Corey's friends were down from Atlanta, asked if they could just say hello. Isn't that amazingly wonderful? So I had another five minutes of hugs and encouragement. Taylor joined in, and I was able to nap on the sofa, hearing Mike, Mack, Corey, Tray and T all talk about all that football stuff.

Just being here. With my kids and husband.

Is this the joy God feels when we are with Him?

I have heard some people say they just don't know what to say or do, but they wish me well. No one knows for sure what the right word or action is. We are all guessing to a certain extent. Some guesses are more educated than others. The point is, show love in your words and actions. And the bigger point is, it is the LOVE that matters, not the words or the action. Sometimes it is just being there with someone that matters. Or leaving an encouraging message. God will guide you.

I have been so comforted by repeating Psalm 23 over and over and over. David doesn't fear evil in the valley because of what? for you are with me. Simply God being with him is enough.

Well, God is with each of us, every second of every day. His presence is right here. He never leaves us, neither slumbers nor sleeps, watches over us. He waits for us to turn to Him, He whispers to us, guides us.

We can feel the presence of His love, more perfect than that of my family laughing in the kitchen, every moment of our lives. We just need to listen for it.



Just have to show this photo. This is Howard, waiting at the bottom of the stairs for Tray or Mack to descend. He can sit like this for an hour waiting. That's how much he wants just to be with them.
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Details of Chemo #4 for those who want to know...

This was the hardest one on my body, and I have been actively thinking of how to make Chemo #5 easier on me. I have some ideas.

But yes you read that correctly! I will do two more. My blood counts are doing well. My White Blood Count are normal, my Red Blood Cells are slightly, tiny bit below normal. So Dr. M's advice was to do 6. Onward and upward we go!

I was floating on the laughter and prayers of friends Tuesday, having had lunch with 7 fantastic friends at PF Changs before chemo. I fell asleep during chemo for the first time, was so tired I couldn't keep my eyes opened and I started slurring my words while sitting there! Nurses are so kind. It makes sense to me to keep my feet and hands cold, to minimize nerve damage there similar to eating ice chips to minimize mouth sores. So I kept my feet and hands out of the blanket. Falling asleep, I didn't keep my mouth cold and I have had metal mouth, which is going away. It tastes like I am biting down on a bicycle handlebar, not that I would know what that feels like.... Delicious dinner with M and J enfolding us with love.

Wednesday I did my Millenia Mall walk with L, M and B. Great Thai Crunch Salad at CPK, and then home to nap. Thursday I had the Neuplasta shot and acupuncture in the afternoon, ferried by L. Feeling very tired in the afternoon. Friday I just couldn't get up. Every inch of my muscles ached, my lymph nodes were all tender and sore, headache, nausea present. I know this will pass, you just have to get through it. Right through it, through the middle. I drank lots of water with slight flavor (lemon, pomegranate, mango), did my L-glutamine powder, took an Epsom Salt bath for the muscle aches. Saturday was better, Saturday night I had the restless legs during the night, where your leg muscles just want to flex constantly. Only one night. Sunday I was even better, Mack and Tray provided a delicious dinner, and here we are on Monday, I've been sitting up for 2 hours, only slight aches, lymph nodes barely tender. Okie-dokie, we are going to get revved up for the next one! Corey is bringing dinner tonight, and we will watch Boise State versus Va Tech. A perfect evening!

For Chemo #5, I think I will not exercise as much on Thursday, just do gentle walking. And eat milder food Thursday night, so my digestive system is ready for Friday. I am downloading Anne Lamott's book Grace Eventually/ Thoughts on Faith so I can listen to that all day Friday (keeps me distracted and upbeat.)

Most importantly, I am asking God to relieve the side effects for Chemo #5, that my body will stay healthier while the chemo is attacking and whisking away any errant cancer cells left in my body. My prayers with yours, we have this one in the bag!

Thank you dear ones, your loyalty takes my breath away. MUCH LOVE, sara 

The unforced rhythms of grace - Chemo #2

Twenty four hours ago I was sitting in one of the six lounge chairs in Dr M's Chemo Lounge (does that make us lounge lizards) and was in the middle of the four and a half hour process of Chemo # 2. A very, very different experience than Chemo #1.

In retrospect, as God was in control, it was just what I needed. But in the middle of it, boy I wasn't thinking that. God provides all we need. He is in control. It's like those "learn to drive cars with two brake pedals and two steering wheels." I acknowledge that He is in control, I hand him the steering wheel, and then I keep using the instructor one too often, taking back control. AHHH!

I am warning you that this is a long entry, but I am doing this in that it might help someone else going through chemo. You won't insult me if you don't read it!

Okay, Monday was great. Lunch with two fantastic friends at Houston's, S and D. Upbeat and happy and just wonderful. Mike and I had a peaceful dinner here. Sat by the lake after dinner, watched the sun set.. Dear dear friend S arrived from Charlotte, who will be here all week. It takes two people to take care of me...

Tuesday did a gentle elliptical machine walk, lunch with S and M and M at PF Changs.  These are dear, dear friends. All is good.

Got to the Doctors office and it started out rocky. I have a port in my right arm above the elbow, and I have had eleven lymph nodes removed from the left arm. The surgeon's office told me that no blood pressure cuff on the left arm, nor blood drawn from left arm.

The nurse calls me back for the blood pressure and blood drawing pre-chemo. She starts to do the blood pressure cuff on the left arm, which I say I don't think you should because of the eleven lymph nodes taken. Next she puts the cuff right over the port on the right arm and I say, I don't think that's a good idea either. So she asks me, how should she take my blood pressure then. I respond, I don't know, perhaps you could ask someone else. There's another nurse in the room. She puts the upper arm cuff on my left wrist and says, this will be good enough. Yes, on the wrist of the arm I told her had the eleven nodes removed. But I didn't want to keep arguing with a nurse who was about to stick me with a needle...

Next drawing blood. She goes towards the left arm, to put on the rubber band, and I remind her that is the arm where the lymph nodes were taken and I wasn't supposed to have blood drawn from that arm. And I was told they would draw blood from the port from now on. She said she had never drawn blood from an arm port, so how about from my wrist. After a good minute, she said she didn't see a good vein there, and asked me again what should she do. I said again, I don't know. I suggested she ask Dr. M what to do. I returned to the waiting room.

I know this was wordy, but that was how the visit started. She might have been having a bad day, but it shows you how important attitude is. It wasn't very confidence inspiring to me.  Started the chemo visit off on the wrong foot, and I was emotional to start with. I know that. What follows is an interaction that any other day of my life would have been totally unmemorable. In retrospect it was so silly. Read on.

Then you see the doctor's assistant. You check off on one page your issues from the past three weeks, so they can see your status clearly, and it is well organized.

My biggest issue in the past three weeks was a sinus infection, which started probably Thursday (two days after Chemo #1), with a splitting headache, really large and tender neck glands, and that sinus ache under the eye and the ear ache. I was alternating Tylenol and Advil every two hours, my temp stayed under 100.5 for four days, so I never called them until the next week when the nasal discharge was way to obvious that it was a sinus infection not getting better. They prescribed a penicillin antibiotic, which I am not supposed to have due to allergy (pharmacy caught that, thank goodness.) I called the doctor on call again from the pharmacy, and they changed the prescription to a Z-pak (time release antibiotic.)

I told the doctor's assistant, I was scared the sinus infection isn't gone.  It is improving, but I still have the symptoms. Improved, but not gone.

The first lesson, do not take Tylenol or Advil if you have any fever, because they want to see if it will go over 100.5 (their benchmark). I honestly don't remember them telling me that. I remember them telling me to take Tylenol and Advil. So I messed up. The assistant was stern, reprimanded me for a good two minutes.  Wow.

On top of the blood work fiasco, her telling me so strongly I did the wrong thing, I shouldn't have done that, I should have listened to them more carefully, well, when she left I was in tears.

In comes Dr. M. He took right up on it, I did the wrong thing. He wasn't giving me more antibiotic because the Z-pak I got will last six more days. I told him, in the past when I have had sinus infections I have needed two or three sessions of antibiotics, plus cortisone sprays. I have a difficult time getting rid of sinus infections.  I'm in tears again. Feeling really stupid for being in tears, so that brings more tears.

Well, wasn't this just me being scared, upset I messed up when I truly want to do all I can to cooperate, and not having trust in this doctor? So thankfully (pointed out by my husband), he perceived I didn't trust him, and he asked me to repeat back to him what he had just told me. So I stood there and did. At the time this was demeaning.  I was so mixed up emotionally. He said good, I seem to understand. And he left. Again, tears...

So, back to the Chemo Lounge. The nurses there are THE BEST. They did the blood work out of my port, they smile and chat. The doctor's assistant came back to say hello again. Another nurse K came and talked with me for about thirty minutes while they were mixing up the chemo stuff. They could tell I was really upset.

When they put in the IV, I thought alright now Sara, you need to get out of this teary state, frustration and doubt are not what this is all about. I could stay upset, or I could get over it. It is totally my choice. Just saying, God take this away, wasn't going to do it. He wanted me to be more involved and learn something. Thoughts feed feeling. I know.... And yes, I was a captive audience for about four hours in that lounge chair, so off we went.

For God did not give us a spirit of fear, but of power (HIS POWER) and love (HIS LOVE) and self-control (TURN CONTROL OVER TO HIM.) 2 Timothy 1:7 (Capitals are mine.)

God has set up this system that we have the control to turn our lives, every itty bitty detail, every moment that seems like it is heading towards a crash and we have been trying to keep the car on the road but just can't... lift it all up to him.  Because He loves us so much that he sacrificed His most precious gift for us, He will use His power to move mountains and open up our eyes to see and heal people and heal relationships and change our attitudes to be in alignment with His perfect perfect plan.

I plugged in my headphones from my IPAD, got to Vivaldi's Four Seasons, then to the e-mail responses from some of you from Monday's Blog. Then I prayed. I prayed for Dr. M, and our relationship. I saw I hadn't shown I trusted him. That is a big ego blow to anyone. I made mistakes, but he might have taken it that I didn't trust him. Look at this from his perspective if I am really interested in having this relationship work.

I wanted what I wanted, and he didn't think it was the best course. I had not followed their directions (believe me, that was an honest mistake) but here's a doctor that has devoted years and days and hours to study and trying to do the best for his patients, and I was non-verbally saying, and verbally too, I don't agree! That's a tough thing for anyone to hear, especially someone that knows what they are talking about.

From the Chemo Lounge, I was texting Mike, who responded - "He is actually a perceptive and sensitive guy. Don't worry about taking the Advil, no harm done." then, "You are right, Here's to the strength in letting God be in control." then the last text and the best " Remember, the unforced rhythms of grace."

Forgiving the nurse who was having a bad day, that was easy. It didn't help me, but in the end, God provides and Chemo Lounge Nurse did a great job of the blood work and Chemo giving. Forgiving the assistant was easy, she wasn't as forceful, and yes I messed up on the Tylenol Advil thing.


As for Dr M, there was no forgiveness needed. It was so clear to me now, God has given me a doctor that perceived I was wanting something that he didn't think was correct, and he wasn't going to give into me. He was willing to stand up to me and work me through it until I agreed to follow his instructions. Now, that's a doctor that wants me healed. Is that a sign. IS THAT A BILLBOARD? I wanted to apologize to him that I had forcefully told him I didn't like his plan. Thankfully he is my doctor, and he had enough compassion for me to work me through it. He didn't give up on me.

All this prayer and working out took maybe thirty minutes. Which is the time they give you the steroids and antihistamine and all the pre~chemo stuff. God's message was so clear at the end. The entire episode from the moment I walked into the office was such a good lesson.

My next thought, those of you who know me, I just can't let a relationship stay frayed. Just can't. So what do I do, write him a note (no - how dorky is that?) Do I call him when I am done (no - just what he wants, a call at night from a patient.) Well, I decided to let God figure out how to let this closure happen. Told Him I was going to focus on the chemo coming into my body, the gentle teal colored ocean waves washing in and out and swirling around and the stretch of beach and sky... Palm Beach of four weeks ago.

The rest of the time, which was four of the four and a half hours, were peaceful and restful and wonderful. The staff, the nurses are compassion and efficiency combined and personified.

Now, not done yet. Listen to this, GOD IS SO GOOD. I am the very last person done, most of the office, staff are gone. Its 5:15, I pack up my IPAD, walk out of the Chemo Lounge, and who should come out of a office door in the same three foot wide hall LITERALLY two feet in front of me but Dr. M. THANK YOU GOD.

I say, Dr. M. He turns around. Dr. M. I am so sorry I didn't trust your decision on the antibiotic and I want to thank you for caring enough about me that you didn't give up on me, that you saw I wasn't agreeing with you, and you didn't let up. He says, well, we all make mistakes, sometimes I make mistakes, and I interrupted him (these steroids make you hyper) and I said, you have the medical degree, you know what you are doing. I am thankful you are my doctor.

I don't really understand him as a person, he always looks a little sad. Oncology is a tough emotional field I am sure. Now I know he is going to fight for me. I like that. I've got the greatest doctor. And husband. And friends.

Bottom line, God is in control. The unforced rhythms of grace. Got to think on that phrase some more. We can't force the timing.  Well we can try to, but that's taking control back from God. We can't force the rhythm, the rhythm that gives you peace, the peace that passes all understanding. Grace, well that's the gifts we don't deserve. But we get them anyway.

And you know what, most of the time we don't see these gifts. We get so caught up in the negative, the bad situation, and we get into avoidance mode. So we don't see the gift that is sitting right in front of us. Boy, if this Chemo #2 wasn't an example of unforced rhythm of grace, what is?

The unforced rhythms of grace. What does this mean to you?

To end, today Wednesday was great. Day after chemo. Slept until 10:30. Visited with L and S, and talked about how We were Strong Women and didn't always want to agree with doctor's advice (HA!), went mall walking with M and S. Napped and will nap again.

S and my husband and kids are saints. Imagine a friend willing to be here a week, just letting me set the pace. She will never ever know how her presence allowed me to get through the week. Sitting in the parking lot after chemo, listening to me for thirty minutes going on about the afternoon and helping me process. Imagine a husband up to his eyeballs in work, taking care of Alzheimer father, settling mother's estate, and still healing from CTCL, yet putting me first. Imagine kids willing to play Catch Phrase for hours with us. And texting and e-mailing. Imagine friends cooking dinners and mall walking (at my pace - its cooler inside the mall that the hot and humid outside of a Florida summer). And imagine a friend stopping over last night after work, to do a crossword puzzle with us.

Life is pretty, pretty good...

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Here's three good e-mail excerpts I got in the past few days

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Mother Teresa said, “We need to find God, and he cannot be found in noise and restlessness. God is the friend of silence. See how nature - trees, flowers, grass- grows in silence; see the stars, the moon and the sun, how they move in silence... We need silence to be able to touch souls.” You know how hard it is for me to be silent? He was sharpening his sword with me and I am OK with that! Mother Teresa also had another great quote pertaining to God sending her more than she could handle; she said, “I wish He didn’t trust me so much!” Me too!

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Let light and healing water and the love of Jesus guide you through- as I know you are giving yourself up and trusting completely.

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This is a series of jokes sent to me yesterday.
They are all titled, "And That's How the Fight Started"

My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?'
'No,' she answered.
I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying 'Yes.'
So I said, 'Then I'd like to phone a friend.'

And that's when the fight started...

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I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. 'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."
He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?
'Nah, she can order for herself.'

And that's when the fight started......

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My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping the channels.
She asked, 'What's on TV?'
I said, 'Dust.'

And then the fight started...

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My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about seconds.  So I bought her a scale

And then the fight started..

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My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table. I asked her, 'Do you know him?'
'Yes,' she sighed, ' He's my old boyfriend...
I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since.'
'My Gosh!' I said, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started...

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I rear-ended a car this morning.. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it... he was a DWARF!!!
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!'
So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'

And then the fight started.....

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SAVE THE BEST FOR LAST.....

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the truck, the car, playing golf,
Always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.

I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, 'When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway.'

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.