Out, Out Damned Port!

Sixteen days since the last radiation. Started anastrozole (generic Arimidex) fifteen days ago. Will be on this estrogen-sponging drug for five years.

How am I feeling? Physically I am achy and profoundly tired. I like the word profoundly, don't you. Makes whatever comes after it appear more serious and intellectual and true. And deep. Have to say it in a British accent.

So profoundly tired that, Monday when I was up and out for five hours middle of the day, I came home and was shivering under the quilt watching television that afternoon. Just couldn't get my body to stop. Every cell depleted of energy.

And the ache, it is so unexpected. Hands and hips and shoulders and elbows just ache. While moving and while not moving. Yoga helps, so does Advil. And exercise. This is one side effect of anastrozole. Dr. M says try it for four weeks, it might ameliorate. If not, there are other drugs I can try. Gotta step up the ladder of cost. We will figure this out. Can't take Advil this week because I am getting THE PORT OUT...

...and that is cause for celebration! This port in the inside of my upper arm has bugged me the whole eight months it has been in. I have been dreaming of when I can get it out. Getting it out is easy, in the surgeon's office. Just can't take any blood thinning pills such as Advil, Vitamin E, flax seed oil for a few days.  Can't wait!!!

This is the port (out of my arm...)

Also, the removal of this port in my arm marks the end of intense warfare. No more chemo. No more radiation. No more surgery requiring drains which make you feel like an octopus. Treatments are done and they have worked, Thank you Lord!  Hair is over half an inch long, no more wig. Eyebrows are coming in. Nails still really brittle, but they are there!

Have to say the tough part about now is, I have been battling breast cancer for nine months. And WE HAVE WON. But I am tired, and the newness is gone, and I think I should be feeling energetic and thrilled and all should be back to normal. But not yet. I need to be patient. I have been told, after chemo then radiation, it can take six to twelve months to be back to normal. Well, I am almost one month into that, five to eleven months to go.

Had a biopsy at the dermatologist yesterday for basal cell carcinoma on my shoulder. I have not an ounce of concern about this. If it is cancerous, they will just cut it out, no worries. How a year of breast cancer changes your perspective.

Perspective. Your point of reference.
Where you are standing.

Where are you standing?

What are you looking at?

These are two wonderful questions.

A Ping Pong Ball

Always learning.

I asked the oncologist when I saw him two weeks ago, Who tells me when I can get the port out of my arm and, What follow-up tests do you do to make sure we got all the cancer? (When the port was put in, I was told it would come out after they did tests, after radiation, to make sure they didn't need to do more chemo.)

Dr M answered that I was in the care of the radiology oncologist. He would order any follow up tests and he would tell me when to call the surgeon to have the port removed. And he handed me a script for Arimidex, told me to start taking this when I am done with radiation. And he wanted to see me in April, four months.

So I asked the radiology oncologist Monday (I meet with him after treatment every Monday) what tests was he planning to do to make sure all is finished, and when could I get the port removal scheduled for? His response, Dr M would order any tests to make sure the chemo and radiation have done their jobs. (Makes sense to me) And Dr M tells you when to take out the port, we have never used it, it isn't anything to do with us. (Makes sense to me)

So I call Dr M. His assistant calls back (it is never him, always the assistant, which makes sense to me.)  She says to schedule the port removal for anytime after radiation is finished.  Dr M doesn't think I need any further tests scheduled. He says, statistically the chemo destroyed any cancer cells that would have spread. The radiation has destroyed any cancer cells left in the breast or node area. Further tests would show nothing. Makes sense to me.

I called the surgeon's office, they need written permission from Dr M to remove the port, he ordered it. Makes sense to me.

A ping pong ball.  I feel like a ping pong ball.

No one wants to take responsibility for the follow up.  What they all say makes sense. What could possibly be left in my body after all this?

It makes intellectual sense, What about my emotional But What Ifs?

Elementary concept in instilling confidence, don't change you mind mid-stream on decisions. Or if you do, please explain why. I got no explanation.

So what am I learning? To not worry. Not be anxious.  Leave this up to God, He does the best scans ever.  Lift this up to God, release it like a dove flying out of my hand.

With prayer and thanksgiving.

With thanks that I am here right now and He loves me and is guiding me down the path.

For the rest of my life I will be hearing of someone who does PET scans every year, gets MRI's every six months. I will feel a bump on my shin or get tired for two days straight and I will think, Tumor on my bone or leukemia. I will hear of someone dying of cancer, and not want to think about it.

Be grateful.
Have faith this worked.
That I am healed.
That this was God's path, He directed it all.

Faith is knowing something when your senses don't perceive it.

Have faith sister.

Port is in

Port is in. More of a surgery than I thought it would be. Still nausea after surgery, but I get nauseous easily. Same hospital they did the lumpectomy in, I know the routine now.

Dr. R is the doctor we all pray that we get. She is calm, and knows what she is doing. You get the feeling that the most important thing in the world to her is that you are healed. Answers questions calmly, and then moves on to the surgery. The anesthesiologist was good too, can't remember his name. Again, exuded compassion efficiently.

I had a "really great" vein in the underside of my right arm, just above my elbow. That's where the port is, under the skin. It feeds into a thin tube that travels the vein up to my vena cava. This lets the nurse hook up my chemo into the rubber disk near my elbow (it is under the skin so they still need to punch through the skin), so the chemo doesn't ruin my vein. Lets the chemo get diluted by blood as soon as it enters my body. Good idea. Keep as much of me healthy as possible.

This location though really is bothersome. As I swing my arms, it touches the side of my body. Long sleeve shirts bother it. Just annoying. But now it is swollen and tender. I am told it will get to where I don't know it is there.

I'm waiting....

We are not Quitters

Hello all my dear, dear friends.

Someone said this ride would be a roller coaster, and it is already! Quite an adventure...

I have gained such confidence, strength and joy from each of you. The words, hugs, e-mails, lunches, cards, Words with Friends, and dinners are priceless. Just priceless.

I am just soaking in all your kindnesses. You know, so many folks we see each day have a fragile corner of their heart, which sometimes they share and sometimes they don't. We each have the opportunity to encourage and spread joy and show kindness and be a small part of their healing. So my lesson I have learned, treat everyone as precious and immortal.

 C.S. Lewis says in his book, The Weight of Glory, that there are no "ordinary people." We are all immortal, our souls will live on forever. There are things that have a time limit like nations, machines, books, art. But people, the part of us that is unseen, our souls, will never die. We are either "immortal horrors or everlasting splendors."  Makes you look at time with friends differently, doesn't it?

I just have to attach the photo of the wig. This place was FANTASTIC... Ritzy Rags on 17-92 just north of Marks St. It is where both transvestites and chemo patients, among others, go for gorgeous wigs. You don't have to curl it, cut it.... and lets face it, you never experience a  bad hair day.

Also, I have found an acupuncturist at Still Waters Healing in Maitland (thank you D and L) who is phenomenal. My left arm can be totally raised above my head now (they took out nodes in that armpit area)... so well that I could serve normally this morning playing tennis.

The medical schedule - I am getting a port put in my right arm in six days, Tuesday June 22.  Chemo starts a week later on June 29.  I have focused the past week on building up strength and endurance. Went to the dentist. Trying to exercise lots, add more fruits, vegetables, nuts, seeds to my diet. And for some reason I have been cooking up a storm. Loving it.

This weekend Mike and I are going to the beach for a celebration of... well... everything.

I know I have messed up the phenomenal meal schedule B set up, and I am sorry. We didn't know chemo would be a reality. I have cut and pasted the schedule below. You can sign up on the website or just e-mail me if you can't get the website to work. These are soooo appreciated. We will add August and September once we see that the chemo is on schedule.

 That's all the news for now.

Sending hugs to you all, sara

 "whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, 'This is the way; walk in it'" (Isaiah 30:21)

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Some Responses:

Mike to Sara

6 Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
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B to Sara
Hi Sara,
I just got your e-mail today. I was released from Physical Therapy this past Saturday after over two weeks in the hospital. I just can't tell you how glad I was to get out of there.

I appreciate everyone who kept me in their prayers. I definitely experienced something that was nothing short of a miracle after being transferred to rehab. The pain in my side was like someone held a red hot poker there each time I tried to sit or stand. The pain was so great it was hard not to yell out. The next day I tried to catch up on sleep just to have the Physical Therapist come in and ask me to stand to see what she had to work with. I tried to put her off, but she insisted. I was not looking forward to standing with that pain again, but worked my way to a sitting position and then a standing position. There was NO pain. I walked across the room and back twice and I can't tell you how that happened. I was scared to death that the next time I stood it would return, but I believe God was with me and stayed with me.

I believe in the power of prayer and I will keep you in my prayers each time I think of you, each day. One thing I believe about both of us - WE ARE NOT QUITTERS!! My best wishes and prayers are with you.