Completed

This blog is completed. I'm in a new part of life ... wellness!

If you want to start this blog at the beginning, nine months ago, click here and follow me along the path.

I have written my thoughts and actions of the past nine months as a web log.

This blog starts when I was diagnosed with Stage 2 Ductal Cell Carcinoma breast cancer ...  that started in my left breast and spread through my left armpit lymph nodes. 

This blog journeys through the treatments of surgery, surgery, chemos, radiations. I didn't include the final surgery.

This blog ends with the start of a new chapter in my life, jumping into HEALTHY! Mind, body and spirit. This new chapter, well, let's hope it is a really, really, really long one.

All the best to you, dear readers.

My Drishti

What would be my answer to, What have I learned during the past nine months?

Keep my eyes focused on Jesus.
That's the heart of it.

Keep God as my drishti.

I will explain.

Drishti is a yoga term for the point you focus on, or gaze on. The point you direct your eyes to when you are in a pose. Most important to me in the balancing poses, to find a drishti that isn't too low to the floor so I fall forward, or too much to the left so I lean left, too far to the right and I lean right. Too high up, well, that doesn't seem to be a problem as I haven't started to levitate from a pose, yet.

Choose God as my focal point all day long.

Put God in the center of my everything.

Live in His presence.

Refer to Him, look to Him, think about Him.

Pursue Him.

Be used by Him.

Realize that my relationship with God is the single most important thing in every minute of my life. 

How in the world do I do THAT? Just like those abs in yoga, if I take my focus off for even just a little bit, my gaze goes elsewhere and I loose it. I veer off the path He has set out for me. I need to ask God to help me keep focused on Him. I need to CHOOSE to do this. All Day Long.

How can you keep your focus on something that is invisible? That's why you have to be still. Remember from Psalm 46, Be Still. Rushing around, busy as a bumblebee and processing the one thousand or so sensory bits coming at us each day. Well let's face it. You will not be able to see the invisible.  You can barely see the visible world zooming by you.

Be Still, wait on the Lord, ask for His help, seek first His kingdom, acknowledge His Glory.  Like the shepherd of Psalm 23, He will restore your soul, provide your every need, guide you, be with you. He will even anoint your head with oil. More so, He will do this FOREVER.

Get that, HE will do this. FOREVER.

That's the IDEA in capital letters. But what is the action plan, oh you ask, those of you who have sat through strategic planning weekends?  For me, at this point in my life, here it is. It will change through the years, I know. But for me now:

• Add some items to my daily life so that my gaze rests on reminders of God throughout the day.  I will post Bible verses around my home, place a cross on the wall next to the garage door, wear my pink pearl bracelet always always always to remind me to be thankful. 

• Bells of mindfulness. I will try to think of God every time I walk through a door. A door is transition, change from one room to another, an end and a beginning. I will try this. If it doesn't work, I will try another Bell of Mindfulness. 

• Take time to talk with God especially when I wake up and when I lay down. 

• Put aside time during the day to read the Bible (printing out Psalms and leaving them around the house works) and to study the Bible with others. Be excited about what I read, just as I am Franzen's latest novel or the new new movie that's just out. 

• Go to church and stay active at church. Be an enthusiastic Christian at church. Do you get more out of a sport by watching it being played, or by being on that very team that is playing? Hm, well then, don't just show up at church on Sundays, become a part of the church. Join a small group bible study, volunteer at church.

• Looking into retreats. In a lifelong journey, I need to have some variety and a shot of adrenaline to keep it alive. I want to allow myself time and atmosphere to actively go inside my soul once in awhile, so I don't need to get cancer again. Ever. Retreats, or at least travel. Get out of the normal routine once in awhile.

• Continue using guided meditation tapes by Colleen Arnold, Bernie Siegel, Joyce Rupp, etc.

• Search out friends who feed my soul. Appreciate and grow the friendships that already do. Make sure I take time each day to be with friends, and family. Remember, no one's dying breath has even been, Oh I wish I had spent more time at the office or Oh I wish I had vacuumed the floor more often. 

• Keep love and light and forgiveness and thankfulness as not only words but as actions in my life. 

• Be gentle on myself. Don't put myself first, or last.

• Live intentionally.

• Evaluate how am I doing, once a year on the anniversary of the end of my past nine months.  

• Choose Love. 

My nine months of healing physically and spiritually are done.

Thank you dear friends for your prayers and kindnesses,
for your showers of love
and for your hands that lifted me up.

Thank you for walking down the path with me.
I could not have done this alone.

You and I, we are divine and we are loved.
With an everlasting love.

How cool is that?

How has cancer changed you?

I have been asking cancer survivors I happen to be in conversation with, how has cancer changed you?

Dear friend reading this, you know that from the beginning I knew cancer would be used by God for good in my life. Redirection. I want to learn the lessons, make the changes, and live life to the fullest. I want to embrace all God has set out for me on my path.

So what were their answers? (I paraphrased some of their words)

1. Surround myself with reminders that Jesus is my Lord and King and He is in control. Wear a cross my daughter gave me, read devotionals on line, look for Him. Work with Christians. Ask where can I help others see that God is alive and working in their lives.

2. Look for people, events, places that nourish my soul.

3. Try to go to mass every day. Look for ways to inspire others.

4. Encourage others. Be God's hands to show love. And don't stress out over it, God will show me what he wants me to do. Also, be gentle on myself, enjoy every day.

5. Realize that God's timing isn't always my timing. He is in control.

6. Spend more time alone, in prayer, reading. Start my day, every day, reading the Bible and praying.

7. Surround myself with positive people, uplifting people and fun teams of people.

8. Always have accountability, usually to a Bible Study group.

9. Do something every day that is fun, that makes me laugh.

10. I have been redirected to “pay it forward” (the blessings I have received) back out into the universe in any way that I can.

11. I realized just how much I wanted to live, and the appreciation for what I still do have in my life. I will no longer sweat the small stuff and I am now determined that no matter what it will be okay.  I will make the most of everyday and appreciate everything and everyone in it no matter how small it might be. I am determined to become the positive person that I was so many years ago. I will let nothing take that from me again.

12. Cancer forced me to focus on myself, something that was not even in my vocabulary.  Yes, we all could and should walk that extra mile to help someone else in need, but not at the expense of your own health and well being.

13. I no longer say yes when I want to say no.

14.  I count my blessing each and every day.

15. I have a renewed focus on God, meditation, and journaling. I want to be sure I don’t “stuff” my feelings through this process, and stay out of fear-based thinking.

Out, Out Damned Port!

Sixteen days since the last radiation. Started anastrozole (generic Arimidex) fifteen days ago. Will be on this estrogen-sponging drug for five years.

How am I feeling? Physically I am achy and profoundly tired. I like the word profoundly, don't you. Makes whatever comes after it appear more serious and intellectual and true. And deep. Have to say it in a British accent.

So profoundly tired that, Monday when I was up and out for five hours middle of the day, I came home and was shivering under the quilt watching television that afternoon. Just couldn't get my body to stop. Every cell depleted of energy.

And the ache, it is so unexpected. Hands and hips and shoulders and elbows just ache. While moving and while not moving. Yoga helps, so does Advil. And exercise. This is one side effect of anastrozole. Dr. M says try it for four weeks, it might ameliorate. If not, there are other drugs I can try. Gotta step up the ladder of cost. We will figure this out. Can't take Advil this week because I am getting THE PORT OUT...

...and that is cause for celebration! This port in the inside of my upper arm has bugged me the whole eight months it has been in. I have been dreaming of when I can get it out. Getting it out is easy, in the surgeon's office. Just can't take any blood thinning pills such as Advil, Vitamin E, flax seed oil for a few days.  Can't wait!!!

This is the port (out of my arm...)

Also, the removal of this port in my arm marks the end of intense warfare. No more chemo. No more radiation. No more surgery requiring drains which make you feel like an octopus. Treatments are done and they have worked, Thank you Lord!  Hair is over half an inch long, no more wig. Eyebrows are coming in. Nails still really brittle, but they are there!

Have to say the tough part about now is, I have been battling breast cancer for nine months. And WE HAVE WON. But I am tired, and the newness is gone, and I think I should be feeling energetic and thrilled and all should be back to normal. But not yet. I need to be patient. I have been told, after chemo then radiation, it can take six to twelve months to be back to normal. Well, I am almost one month into that, five to eleven months to go.

Had a biopsy at the dermatologist yesterday for basal cell carcinoma on my shoulder. I have not an ounce of concern about this. If it is cancerous, they will just cut it out, no worries. How a year of breast cancer changes your perspective.

Perspective. Your point of reference.
Where you are standing.

Where are you standing?

What are you looking at?

These are two wonderful questions.

Psalm 46

If you think that my past nine months can be thought of as a high risk exploration of uncharted darkness, then here's a quote.

We shall not cease from exploration. 
And the end of all our exploring will be to arrive where we started 
and know the place for the first time. T. S. Eliot. 

Where was my starting block for this nine month race?

It was sitting in the car in the radiology parking lot, before hearing my biopsy results. I asked God for a verse, because I knew the results were going to be cancer. They had called me minutes before, asking me to appear in person to hear my biopsy results. I wasn't going to leave the car until I had a verse. A verse to hold in my heart the entire time. The verse He gave me was

Be still, and know that I am God. Psalm 46. 
have held onto that verse for nine months. I have it posted over my computer at my desk, I have had Psalm 46 printed out and sitting on my bedside table, I have had this verse on the bottom of my e-mails for the past nine months.  I have seen this verse and repeated it at least a dozen times each day. I have thought about it for hours.

The "Be Still" part happened. We knew that would. We all see that. I was physically tired,  made to feel ill from surgeries, chemo, radiation.  Had to stop my life and take a break. My soul was able to take a breather as well. Not as much stimulus coming in, allowing for more thought time and inner conversations. I could meditate, think, pray, roll an idea around my mind for hours and hours. Uninterrupted.

The "and Know that I am God" part is what took the nine months for me to see; I hope I will be understanding this part more deeply each year.

Reading the entire Psalm, it is a really powerful Psalm. I have copied it at the end of this entry. This isn't a Psalm about meditation and a mild-mannered middle aged woman  like me doing a workbook on Jesus in the safety of my light blue upholstered chair with a cup of tea sitting next to me. No, this is a Psalm about the ONLY true source of life and light and love in the world. Who has the WHOLE UNIVERSE in the palm of His hand. The point of reference is HUGE natural disaster or nations at war.

God is so powerful that when the very ground you are standing on crumbles without a moment's notice, and when something you knew to be the very definition of solid and trustworthy starts to disintegrate and slide beneath the surface into the darkness, well, God is patiently waiting for you to look to Him. We are told to Be Still. In the midst of earthquakes and tsunamis, war and suffering, sickness and health. Be Still, and look to Him.

You know, that is how I have felt so many times, especially at the start of the past nine months. Sitting hearing the doctor say It's cancer, as if the very ground I am standing on is crumbling. Deciding between mastectomy or lumpectomy, as if mountains are sliding into the crashing ocean. It is all falling apart, my life, my marching forward, many-faceted life. What power can put this out of control train back on the track?

God.

Know that He is the center of all we know, the creator of all life, the source of all love and light.

What does "know" mean?

To know an idea is to understand it in your brain. But it is more. To know is to have that idea move from the academic memorizing of it as a fact, to the deep seated understanding of it as a three dimensional substantial truth. To see its depth and width and height and its colors. To know is to have it become a part of you.
God wants me to know that He is God. Really know this. Know it so much that it becomes a part of me. That I live every day as if I know HE is the absolute truth, the most solid of solid and powerful of powerful.

The more I know that He is God, the more I see that I want the King of the Universe, the Creator and Savior of Man, the Author and Finisher of my faith to be, well, everything in my life. I want Him to be who I say hello to when I wake up. I want to praise Him and thank Him first thing. I want to let Him guide my steps and my thoughts all day long. I want Him to fill me with His Spirit and His Love. I want to take refuge in Him, to be used by Him, to be restored by Him and to be guided by Him.

How in the world do I do THAT? Well, since He is so powerful, it is simple. Ask Him to help me. The only part I have to do it ask, and then be still so I can hear His answers, all day every day.  Just obey.
-------------------------------------------------------

Psalm 46^. A song.

 ¹ God is our refuge and strength,
   an ever-present help in trouble.
² Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way
   and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea,
³ though its waters roar and foam
   and the mountains quake with their surging.


 ⁴ There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God,
   the holy place where the Most High dwells.
⁵ God is within her, she will not fall;
   God will help her at break of day.
⁶ Nations are in uproar, kingdoms fall;
   he lifts his voice, the earth melts.

 ⁷ The LORD Almighty is with us;
   the God of Jacob is our fortress.

 ⁸ Come and see what the LORD has done,
   the desolations he has brought on the earth.
⁹ He makes wars cease
   to the ends of the earth.
He breaks the bow and shatters the spear;
   he burns the shields with fire.
¹⁰ He says, “Be still, and know that I am God;
   I will be exalted among the nations,
   I will be exalted in the earth.”

 ¹¹ The LORD Almighty is with us;
   the God of Jacob is our fortress.

Travel Safely into the Unknown

Fear is thinking that the future will not be good. (my definition)
Fear is a distressing emotion aroused by a perceived threat. (dictionary definition)

Pink from Tuesday

I have tried to cast off the mantle of fear all my life, ever since I can remember thinking thoughts. Fear of no one liking me, fear of will I get into college, will I graduate, does he love me, will I be alone, will my baby be healthy, will he follow God, will he choose the narrow road, can I walk the narrow road, will I be alive next year...

Would you want to have a written schedule for your entire life, telling you what choices to make each day? You check your schedule right after waking up - today do yoga, then grocery shop, call Mary and then sign up for the photography class. Then after lunch you go to your desk .... follow the schedule.

First of all, I would be a little freaked out having a written schedule appear every morning on my bedside table. WHERE DID THIS COME FROM?

No, you don't want to be told everything, just the big things.  You want to plan your fun minutes, and let God take care of the serious moments.

Well, it doesn't work that way. Every hour in our day is what makes us who we are, they bundle together to create us. The hours congregate to form our days, which all strung together forms our lives, our souls and bodies.

If we had that schedule laid out for us every day, we wouldn't need to keep our eyes focused on God all day long.We would keep our eyes on the schedule. The key to life abundant and joyful, my friend, is keeping our eyes on God.

Keep your eyes on God, lean into Him, stay in the light of His presence. Sounds so easy.  But the trick is, you don't just do it once, you have to keep choosing to do it every minute of every day. Just like holding in your abs while you do yoga. If you don't think about it even for two seconds, they release. HA!
Keep your eyes on God, then fear is a non-issue.

Follow God's will. Oh yes, really simple eh? But what are the details of doing just that. Ask people how they know what is God's will for them.  I have been asking people for decades.  I want to know. How do you know?

Mankind has been struggling with knowing God's will for over five thousand years, so I do not pretend that I can solve this for everyone. I am working on figuring it out, life is a journey. "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways," declares the LORD. Isaiah 55

We have the Bible, inspired by His Spirit. Any choice I make won't go against the Bible. Not nitpicking the words, but the wisdom imparted in the pages.

We have prayer and meditation, listening to Him and talking with Him. BE STILL.

We have other people who walk closely with Him to shed light on our path when our flashlight battery is flickering.  These advisers I choose carefully. We have churches, communities of others who are trying to walk a similar path as us.

We have the peace of the Holy Spirit inside us, that grows and flourishes when we are walking in the path God intended for us. And feels prickly to me when I am straying.

Good news, God loves me so much that when I veer off the path, He will do all He can to redirect me and get me back on track. Even let me get cancer. That's a lot of love.  He loves you everlastingly too.

So how will I stay on this path from here on out? By looking upwards, every step of the way. I can't do it by myself. Trust that He loves me so much that He will gently show me the way.  Be Still and Know that He is God.

This was handwritten on a slip of paper found in one of Mike's Great-Grandmother's Bibles upstairs in her home in Midland Michigan. It is part of a poem by Louise Haskins, quoted by King Edward in 1937 in his Christmas radio address. It is beautiful. It hit me when I found it in her bible ten years ago, and it still stirs me.

I said to the man who stood at the gate of the year
Give me light that I may travel safely into the unknown.

And He replied,

Go out into the darkness
and put your hand into the hand of God.

That shall be to you better than light
          and safer than a known way.

His Majesty, King Edward of England 1937

Ramping up for Chemo #4 - Attitude

I'm starting with a hat trick of quotes from 3 wise men: Bernie Siegel, Chuck Swindoll, and St. Paul. All on attitude.

When disappointments and setbacks occur, learn to view them as events that will redirect you to something good. Bernie Siegel

The only thing we can do is play the one string we have, and that is our attitude... I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% how I react to it. And so it is with you... we are in charge of our attitudes.  Chuck Swindoll

Philippians 2:5 Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus

It's the Monday before Chemo #4 on Tuesday.

This might be the last one, or there might be two more, that's the conversation we're having with Dr. M tomorrow. I want two more, because I want to make sure every single errant cell is zapped. But he was leaning towards only four because Chemo is hard on your body, and I will next go to radiation.

I am right between two protocols. Stage 2 Invasive Breast Cancer with no nodes involved was four Taxotere plus Cytoxan treatments, and with nodes involved was eight treatments. I had only one node involved. Just one. So we briefly talked about six treatments. I want to get all the cancer cells gone, no change for recurrence. I do think that whatever Dr. M decides (I will give it my all for six) will be the right decision. I've been praying that the Holy Spirit give him clear insight into what my body needs right now for full healing. So He will.

Fantastic weekend at the beach with Mike, Corey and T. We went to the same hotel as in May, which was the weekend before Chemo #1. They have great deals at beach hotels during the summer... We sat under the umbrellas with SPF 55 on, came out of the sun mid-day. I don't think I got a lick of tan, but that's the point.

Took our IPADS so we played Scrabble, and we have a new game (for us), Balderdash. Oh my goodness, laughing until tears are falling. I am surrounded by very creative, funny and loving people in this family.


I have to add these two photos. Mike and Corey in the first are doing the typical pose of two guys on the beach with a football.

In the second photo, they look as if this spheroid object just washed up on the beach and they are trying to figure out what it is? In reality, they were looking at the writing on the football, because these two orderly guys wanted to make sure the words were facing front and in full view when the photo was taken. I just love it!

At one point it hit us, compare who we are right now to who we were only three months ago sitting in the very same beach chairs.

First, I am now certain God has healed me completely, it is getting worked out through the chemo and radiation and my body's immune system is getting back into working order. Three months ago in my mind I was certain, and I was asking God to bring my emotions and believing up to one hundred percent. He has done that, I am peaceful and secure knowing Jesus is the healer.

Secondly, on the same topic, I had decided in May to trust God for His help during Chemo #1. Now it is so much easier to lean over into Him during Chemo #4, knowing that He has been there every second of the way for the first three chemos. I  FEEL certain He will be here this time too. I still have blips of thoughts - oh darn, how did these three weeks in between chemos fly so fast, have I done all I need to do to prepare.. But those are blips and I pick them up out of my thoughts and throw them up to Jesus, and bring back the thought- thank you for healing me, thank you for being right here with me, thank you for the peace that passes all understanding.

Thirdly, How thankful I am to all you who are helping, in ways that might seem small to you but they are HUGE MOUNTAINS of LOVE AND KINDNESS to me and to Mike. Every word, e-mail, phone message, meal, flower, prayer, mall walk, walk anywhere, devoting days to me, lunch, tea, hand sanitizer packets, air aromatherapy, car ride, soup, book, pashmina, movies, etc are beautiful times for me to see God's love in action. And I know this is tiring, as this has been going on since the end of April. But you guys are all so good to hang in there with me! It is as if each kindness is a flower, and all together they compose the most beautiful bouquet, or really a breath-taking field of wildflowers!

I can empathize with Henri Nouwen when he talks about his need for community. I need community. I do not want to exist separate from others. But yet, I want to look to Jesus for my affirmation of worth as a person. And believe me, He thinks you and I and all of us are just the apple of His eye. He loves each of us unconditionally, which is just mind-boggling. Because of this, when I'm with my community, I can hopefully be evidence of His love for others as well as sharing in some for myself.

This all gets me back to the verse He gave me in the parking lot before I got the first biopsy results - Be still and know that I am God, Psalm 46. I have never been as still as I have been these past four and a half months. Especially in acupuncture. You have to lie really really still for thirty minutes which I said I could NEVER do, but, well, never say never. It is the best time for prayer and contemplative prayer, just repeating over and over slowly with your breathing.  I started out with the verse from Psalms, but now I say the beginning of Psalm 23. You know, that is such a great Psalm.  No wonder it is the most asked for Psalm in hospitals.

And then fourthly, I know I am being redirected. I want it to stick. I want God to change me how He wants, redirect my path, and I want to stay on it.

I think there is no such thing as "I don't have enough time for that". We all spend our time where we want, and if something is important to you, you will put it as a priority and it will get done. It is my highest priority to stay focused on Jesus, to continue growing in my relationship with Him, to keep my face pointed towards God.

Maybe that's a key - keep growing. Just like any relationship, people change. God doesn't change, but I do. So my relationship with Him, just like my marriage and how I interact with my kids, must keep growing and flexing through the years to stay vibrant and alive and appropriate. My boys are twenty five and twenty nine, so I have a far different relationship with them as I did twenty years ago. Mike and I have been married thirty two years, now we are empty nesters, and helping each other heal. A far different relationship than ten years ago or twenty. And each time we flex and redirect, we grow closer.

With God, I would stagnate if I stayed exactly with Him like I am now. God doesn't want me to learn about Him and then put Him up on my library shelf, as if He were the concept of permutations and combinations, you learn about them, and then store that knowledge and rarely use it.  Only when someone asks you in daily conversation, How many ways could these seven Scrabble letters be combined? you could figure out the answer.

No, No, He is a living God, who is watching over me. He is my Shepherd, He restores my soul. He leads me to still waters, leads me down paths of righteousness for His name's sake. He has plans for Mike and I. And we want to do whatever He asks.

We have to listen.

Heal me oh Lord, that I might do your will to your glory, for the rest of my life.

Hallelujah!

Every time we remember to say "thank you",
we experience nothing less than heaven on earth.
-- Sarah Ban Breathnach

I answered the phone while driving this morning, it was the surgeon's office, where I had a biopsy this Monday. It was B the nurse. She asked me how I was doing today... A BILLION thoughts go through your mind in one second.  Is she trying to settle me down for bad news or is it good news so she is relaxed and taking her time? Did she say that with a smile or a tense grimace?

I respond, Every day is a beautiful day. She says, well this news will make today even more beautiful.. I scream out BRAVO and I am certain she is wincing and her ear drum has been burst, but she and I, we don't care. It is a diagnosis of mastitis, which is so not anything at all at this point in time. YEAH! Double YEAH!

I tell the family immediately. This is such fun news. Hallelujah Mike texts back. They all text back, aren't texts great!

Such a thin line between Hallelujah and Oh man.

It is time to ask myself, am I thankful I got cancer?

I know God didn't give it to me. It's a result of cells mutating, and my immune system not being strong enough at this moment to kill the mutated ones.

I know God is efficient and He is using this time in my life to catch my attention, draw me closer, stir me up, and change me forever for the better.

He's showing me how much He loves me, and healing me to better than I was before, in mind, body and spirit.

When I look at photos of times last year, before cancer ,I remember how light hearted I was. I still have moments of light heartedness. I also have moments of knowing God is RIGHT HERE.

Picture this - a black sphere, could be granite or marble. Solid black. Pretty boring to look at? Yes. You look at it for a second or two and move on. No depth, it doesn't tell very much of a story.

Now, if a crack forms in that rock and water with minerals, say silicon and some other minerals, seeps into the crack, quartz could form. And veins of other deposits.

Now the rock looks so much more interesting, more beautiful. The deep black contrasted with white quartz and some taupes and shades of brown from minerals in the crystals.

And that beauty never would have made its way into the black rock if there weren't a crack.

All the experiences we have, every day we live, every person we interact with, they make us who we are. The good and the bad, the joyful and the tearful.

So yes, I can say I am thankful I got cancer. It has added to my beautiful life.

Markers

How do we remember those moments, those precious moments, when God is so alive to us that He is RIGHT THERE in the middle of our lives?  When He is calling the shots and it is so fantastic and we feel so alive? So happy and exhilarated and ALIVE!

In the Old Testament, they would set up a pillar or pile stones to mark events where God interacted in a powerful way. Joshua and the Jordan River, Jacob and wrestling with the angel, etc.

So, what do we do to remember those moments?

First thing comes to mind are photographs.

And more than even a photograph, a wedding album.

Parents, what is perhaps the single biggest decision your child can make that will determine their joy and happiness and contentment and satisfaction in life? Choosing Christ. Okay. Stick with me.

What is perhaps the SECOND biggest decision your child can make? Who they marry! Who will join with them as one and walk with them every day for the rest of their life. Who will be there to pick them up, and they will pick up their spouse when they fall. Who will be there to encourage, to share joy and sorrow, to believe when they are shaky, to share everything.

Last week I had the absolute joy to meet with the photographer for our son's wedding in March, to choose the final shots for the wedding album. This is one marker, the memory of that day that was of utmost importance in our family. And of UTMOST JOY! On March 5 we were a family of four; since 5:00 PM March 6, we are a family of five!

I looked at the first draft of the wedding album the photographer e-mailed me. Magical. Then I went through all the photos to see which I might want added. We were all SO HAPPY! I don't think I saw one photo of any of us not smiling. Ear to ear smiles. It was so easy, through her photos, to be transported back in time to that day when God blessed all of us in such a concrete way. So this album is our marker.

And yes, I had tears in my eyes looking at the photos. Of before I knew I had cancer. Of us all laughing because we were all filled with joy. It was so easy to laugh.

Well, it still is easy to laugh. And I still feel joy. I'm just more tired these days. That will pass. It is easier to laugh when you aren't tired or hurting physically anywhere on your body. But you do still laugh.

Okay, what other events deserve markers? The birth of both our sons, our wedding day, again we have photos and each other to remember these times when God blessed us. And there are random times I felt God's presence in the paths of our lives.

Two more big ones are Mike's healing from lymphoma and my healing from cancer. We don't have markers from these. Yet. I'm going to do some thinking....

The Oncologist

The very next day Mike went with me to meet the oncologist, Dr. M. A very different personality that Dr. R. Office larger and more bureaucratic, his demeanor more clinical, not as personal. He often, in talking, would refer to M his assistant, as in, M will do this, or, You can tell M if that happens and she can call in a prescription for you. I guess M does a lot.

He also strongly suggested a lumpectomy, not mastectomy. Same survival rates, less surgery, keep the breast. But said it was up to me.

He said my tumor in the breast is so small (0.9 cm which is less than half an inch) that there is only a small small small chance it had spread outside the breast. But just in case, they would do a Sentinel Node Biopsy while I was under. I said I had heard that. He also was going to order an Oncotype DX of the tumor, to see if it is a high chance it would return. If so, they might do chemo before radiation, even if it hasn't spread. Fine with me, take out what you need, do all the tests you want. Just tell me how to knock these cancer cells out of me, and so far away they won't be able to find their way back.

He drew all this on a white board in the examination room. I found the visit to be an out of this world moment. Here I sit on the exam table, he never touched my breast, only looked at the biopsy report. Mike and he are in plastic side chairs, and we all are looking up at a small white board while he talks about Prognostic markers and Oncotype DX. I felt like I was back in college, learning about Quantum Physics. Certainly not in Orlando talking about some cells in my very own breast that had called a mutiny against their fellow breast cells, dividing too fast and furiously. They were right there in my breast as we spoke. As he spoke. Maybe it was good to keep it all clinical and in the realm of the abstract. There will be enough time in the coming months for these rebellious cells to create real life moments for me.

Called the surgeon to schedule the lumpectomy. Mike is out of town in two weeks for business so we will put it off until the third week. At first I was miffed. Why can't I have it sooner, right away, get this train out of the station and on it's way to Healing? Now I see, this gives me time to get ready. Time has much more importance to me these days.

I am definitely a bit numb. This all seems to be happening to someone else, a third party. Not me.

My thoughts on breast cancer?  I picture pink. Races to raise money for cancer. Pink ribbon symbol. And the implants. I don't know that much about breast cancer. Now I will. Never thought I would get it. Never.

The Surgeon

The whole cancer treatment world expects that you are totally at their beck and call. That you will see the doctor when they have an opening. Whenever that opening is. I can see their point.

Unfortunately Mike had meeting in Georgia scheduled the one day the surgeon had an opening in the coming two weeks, so I went without him. My dear friend L went with me. She is calm under chaos, intelligent and asks great questions. My advocate, because I knew I would remember little of the appointment.

I chose a surgeon who was highly recommended by my one friend who was an oncologist specializing in breast cancer and is now in academia. Just give me one recommendation for each, I asked her - surgeon, oncologist, radiologist. What more information could I possible gather than that from someone in the field who I trust?

The appointment was fantastic. Dr. R is a gift to anyone who needs her. First, her humble yet upbeat office is full of staff who are competent and compassionate. And she, well, she knows what she is doing, she listens, she solves problems, she is awesome. Should every doctor be this way.

Statistically, mastectomy gives same long term survival rates as lumpectomy with radiation, in my situation. She was clear on this. She would recommend lumpectomy, with no hesitation. We talked about the lumpectomy, sentinel node biopsy would be done at same time. If they found cancer in the sentinel node while I was still under, they would take out all the nodes on the left side.

Sounds good to me. L was great, kept going over the appointment discussion in the car with me driving home. Yes it was my decision to have a lumpectomy or mastectomy. If cutting off my breasts gave me a better chance long term of living, I would do it. But it doesn't, so why cut them off?

Mike came home that night, and I greeted him with  ... I'm keeping the girls!

Day 5 - Exhausted

Yesterday, Friday, was just an exhausting day. I wanted it to be that way, activity all day long. And even if I hadn’t wanted it to be that way, it would have been. We got a solid offer on the renovated apartment in San Francisco of Mike’s Dad’s. (Remember, Mike is his guardian and executor and I call it ‘ruler of all.’) I threw myself into separating the one huge apartments into two apartments in back in November, and they just finished the renovation. Now one has sold!

Of course, the offer had to be decided upon within hours and faxed back right away, rushing around getting e-mails printed, Mike to sign, talking to the realtor, and then, the counter offer, and the second counter offer. They called us, the fax machine only sent eleven and a half pages back. Yes ma'am, we received everything except the half page you signed. You can’t think up these things, they are too bizarre to be true.

This is the process of simplifying our lives, that’s the positive way to look at it according to Mike. Selling his dad’s home and one apartment in the space of five days.

Book lunch was at L’s yesterday. So when do you tell people? There were nine of us, do you blurt it out as each arrives, stay quiet until the end, when? And how do you say it, because it isn’t a one minute conversation with people you care about. I waited. We discussed Solar by Ian McEwan. One thought brought out was the phrase “Perception is reality”, and most of the people there believed that there isn’t absolute truth but truth or reality is what you perceive. I don’t think so. I had cancer the week before I felt the lump. Just because I didn’t perceive this tumor, doesn’t mean it didn’t exist. But they would argue, it didn’t exist to YOU. I’m definitely more of the scientific mind.

So at one point I told everyone, I have news and I don’t know how to say it so I will just say it. I have breast cancer, which is caught so early. Of our fourteen women in Booklunch, four now have had breast cancer. WOW! J, B, and B. They were very supportive, encouraging. B said that so much good will happen during the healing process that you will feel kindness and compassion you never thought you would receive from others. She said she saw her husband in a whole different light, as he was so loving through her recovery.

Then one person said she was going to a dinner Monday night called “Loose the booby”, of a friend of hers who has Stage 0 of the cancer I have, and she is having a mastectomy because she just doesn’t want to worry about it ever again. Wow. It was wonderful to talk about success stories.

Then I went into the baseball office, gathered everyone around the conference table and told them the news. They are all so young, age thirty and under, that they have no idea how to react. They were so kind. I want to inspire them to care for other people. Savor every day. Don’t waste time stalled. And it isn’t the words you say, it is the caring attitude you have. They asked, What can WE do to help. I told them to ask me how I’m doing, don’t hesitate to ask, but that my life is so much more than whatever cancer thing I’m dealing with, so I will laugh and be interested in their teams and in life!

The radiologist said Thursday, at the end of our conversation, out of the blue, that I will be an inspiration to others now. Yes, she said that as I stood up to leave, she looked me straight in the eyes and said, You will be an inspiration to others. Don't feel much like one now, but I know in my mind that one day I will again laugh and chuckle and be peaceful. I know that. I just don't feel that.

Then home, and to dinner with J and B at Luma’s, our normal Friday night thing after Mike and B take a golf lesson. It was so comforting. Okay, everyone’s reaction to my news is different. She offered to take me to any appointment. Mike went with me to the biopsy, which was the right choice. But that is such a show of wanting to help. No one likes going to doctor's offices. It was a good dinner, I just crave being with people and talking.

Then this morning, thank goodness for L who got a tennis game together. I love getting the exercise, want to get exhausted every day so I fall in bed tired at night. Want to get in better shape. Want to boost up the immune system.

Of course, the offer had to be decided upon within hours and faxed back right away, rushing around getting emails printed, Mike to sign, talking to the realtor, and then, the counter offer, and the second counter offer. And the fax machine only sent 11 ½ of 12 pages back. Yes ma'am, we received everything except the half page you signed. You can’t think up these things, they are too bizarre to be true.

This is the process of simplifying our lives, that’s the positive way to look at it according to Mike. Selling his dad’s home and one apartment in the space of 5 days.

On that note, I stopped at Whole Foods after lunch, got some Greens Plus Super Food which is lots of greens in a capsule. And Chlorophyll and some Yogi Tea that’s for upset stomachs and also Aloe Vera. I need to get the Gastric Reflux under control. Am drinking lemon, honey and hot water 3 times a day. My voice is still hoarse and my throat is sore. This has been going on for years.

Organic meats and dairy, vegetables and fruit. Today was my first day without coffee. Its Day 4 of no estrogen, Day 1 of no coffee. No soda (which was maybe one time a week) and adding one yogurt every day. Pulling out all the stops. I probably should investigate more homeopathic things, and get an appointment with M (homeopathic practitioner both Mike and I went to when he first learned he had lymphoma 17 years ago.)

A peaceful evening with Mike, me cooking. Can I forget about all this for a few hours? Here’s hoping….

Joy does not simply happen to us. We have to choose joy and keep choosing it every day. — Henri Nouwen

How the whole thing started

How the whole thing started.

I was in the shower doing my monthly breast self exam, and came upon a little torpedo in the outside quadrant of the left breast.

You know how they say, You will know it when you feel it?

Well, you will.

I was told to do the self exams lying in bed with arm over head, and also in shower with arm over head. Good thing, as you couldn't feel this at all lying down.  When you lie down, its location becomes too buried in to feel.

Anyway, I felt it and knew. I just knew. Instead of calling that morning, I waited until the next day, a Wednesday, and felt it again in the shower. Yep, it is still there. Called my Ob-Gyn, told them I felt something, they could see me the next day.

Went in on Thursday, yes he felt it. Got the prescription for a diagnostic mammogram. Called the mammogram place, they had an opening the following Thursday. Well, as long as I had to wait a week, I thought I might as well get all my ducks in a row because I knew this was cancer and my life would be turned upside down. I scheduled the mammogram for Monday, eleven days out. That way I could go to Sun Valley and San Francisco next week, get things settled there, and be back for the mammogram.

I did that. To Sun Valley, working out schedules and routines for Mike's Dad, interviewing caregivers to add one to the rotation, meeting the realtor as we wanted to move him to a smaller home. And one night in San Francisco, doing the final walk through with the contractor who was at the end of renovating the apartments to sell. And meeting with the estate auction people and estate inventory people. A whirlwind of a week, but it all got done.

Monday the mammogram showed a spot. Yes, the plates that smash your breast into inhumanly thin pancakes really do their job. There was a torpedo, right there where I felt it.

They did the ultrasound right away, which is great. Love that there is always a doctor in attendance who reads your mammogram and can order the ultrasound right then. Ultrasound showed that I needed a biopsy.

Now, this was interesting. They do the biopsies right there. I asked if I could have it done today, or as soon as possible. You know what the hold up was? Aspirin, Flax seed oil and Vitamin E. Because I take those supplements, I would have to wait at least five days. That would be the next Monday. Oh man, you are kidding, right? Nope. I mean, we are talking breast cancer and you are worried about the fifth day of the blood is too thin requirement. Cancer versus a little too much bleeding. Hmmm.

After me asking the same question ten different ways (I am persistent), they told me if my Ob-Gyn gave approval, they could do the biopsy Friday (that's four days not five.) Well, off to the Ob-Gyn office I went. A stop in visit, why not? I guess they don't get too many of them, the receptionist was a bit surprised. But I could have cared less. He was off that Monday, so I left him a written message. He called Tuesday, gave approval for the biopsy one day earlier than recommended. Now all we needed was for insurance to approve it by Friday. They let me schedule the biopsy, they would try to get insurance to give approval by Friday. Friday morning they called, it was approved. In I went.

I had a Fine Needle Aspiration biopsy guided by Ultrasound. Easy enough. Fine needle seems pretty thin. She did one sample and then said she wanted to do a Core Needle Biopsy as that would tell them more information. I am not dumb, I was lying there knowing that meant she knew it was cancer and being a conscientious person, she wanted to get more of it. And of a second spot that looked suspicious. But you know, if she wanted to talk in this coded language, I was fine with it. As long as she was proceeding on.

I was numbed up, and the numbing part was definitely the worst of the pain. So I was pain free. Probably the worst was trying to keep really really still. You have someone sticking a fairly large needle into the side of your breast, referring to an ultrasound screen for guidance, you will be staying still as a deer in headlights. Because that is exactly how you feel.

Went home with  lifesaving little thing, a small, freezable compress to pop inside my bra that cooled down the incision site. I can't take pain pills, they give me instant nausea. So icing down the site is crucial. It also helps keep down the swelling. That evening, we marched forward with the neighborhood dinner party planned at our home, a good diversion from the day's events. And I kept popping the little compress into my bra, then into the freezer, etc. No one was the wiser but me.

Then you wait for the call....

Day 3 - The MRI

YES, it is stage 1.  The cancer cells physically spread out of the duct, but NO EVIDENCE of jumping (metastasizing) beyond the ONE TUMOR... YEAH!!!! I am so thrilled. Who ever thought I would be thrilled to hear I have cancer stage 1.  Boy your perspective changes depending on where you are standing in life (one of my e-mail quotes recently. )

What you see and hear depends a good deal on where you are standing; it also depends on what sort of person you are. -C. S. Lewis.

I had the MRI, and when finished I was waiting in the hall to confirm they had faxed the other reports to the surgeons office, when the radiologist walked by and asked how I was doing. I said I was anxious to hear the results of the MRI, didn't want to wait until next week??? She said, well if you have time she'll read them now and then let me see them. That takes presence on her part. TIME TO WAIT? What possibly could I need to do that is more important at this moment that hear if I have more than the one tumor in my breasts?

So after a few minutes, in we went, read them on the big computer screens. You can see the increased blood flow at the tumor spot, and none elsewhere of significance ... SO this is surgery and radiation, not chemotherapy!!!!! I saw the blue dots, maybe 8 of them, which is a little increased blood flow from the contrast dye they injected. Then you see the green and red, which was all at the tumor site. ALL.... and of course my heart was red and some green, but that's what you want - blood in the heart.... So she carefully explained and I repeated, this is what I am hearing you say - There is no evidence of this tumor spreading beyond the one site, and specifically there is no evidence of this tumor spreading into a lymph node. Which means most most most likely no chemotherapy, definitely radiation of some sort. I will need lumpectomy or mastectomy (not decided yet), need more test results (prognostic markers test which tells us if it is of three types - estrogen fed, progesterone fed, HER 2 normal) and discussion (family history of breast, ovarian, prostate cancer). That is all for next week.

Next step, next Wednesday ( pending insurance approval goes through by then) I go to the surgeon (Dr R), next Thursday the oncologist (Dr M )..... just waiting now. ... and starting to up the healthy diet. I had 8 fruits and veggies yesterday. There's nothing like a new convert.

I am great ninety-five percent of the time still, and five percent of the time I decompose. I think that's pretty good. Maybe I could schedule the five percent decomposing time while asleep?

Being supported by family and friends... thank you.

I heard from two women who had breast cancer, met them serendipitously (P and J), that they were stage 0 same kind but they caught it earlier. I am thrilled for them and their success, but I have to tell you,  it makes me feel envious and frustrated that I didn't catch this earlier. It doesn't make me feel better I can tell you that.

I am off estrogen as of Tuesday, and haven't taken progesterone either. They will tell me next week if this cancer is fueled by estrogen. If it is, then no more ever. If not, well, I decide then. How do I feel off it? I feel a little more emotional, but hey, look what I'm going through! I slept like a baby last night. That might have been the Ambien, just started that Tuesday night. There is no way I could sleep right now without medication, and a good night's sleep is so important. For the first time in my life, I am taking sleeping pills. You do what you have to.

Quick life recap - Mike's mother died seven months ago, Mike is the executor of a very tangled estate left by his mom, and the overseer of his Dad's care (advanced Alzheimer's disease) who lives in his home in  Idaho. We are in Florida. Mike is currently in treatment for lymphoma. Because of this recurrence, he asked his five siblings if someone else would oversee the round the clock caregivers we just hired out in Idaho. Not one would, which was truly a surprise. Someone needs to be responsible for him.  Two months ago was our older son's wedding, which was a time of non-stop abundant and extreme joy, and exhausting to plan. And Mike is at the point of finishing two projects at work he's been developing for years.

It is just not a good time to get breast cancer.
So when would be?
Right, this is the time.

Oh, you will appreciate this. Mike's fathers' Idaho house sold Monday so we have to find him something else and move him by August 1. This is actually an answer to prayer, as he  is starting to stumble and his house is 2 stories with diagonal stairs and we need to simplify his life.  The goal is to simplify his life, simplify our lives. Is there a choice right now? Could you say, well yes he is stumbling and but let us not move him out for another year? No, life will get simpler. It isn't simple yet. There's the prayer, simpler...

I am extremely lifted up by talking with friends.
Had to call S and Mack and Tray and had to see Mike and Corey right after the MRI results.
Then had to tell L and B and D, and S and J. And R and S.

I am noticing flowers and how beautiful they are.  Got flowers from R and E. Beautiful flowers - purple irises and yellow tulips.

Got a fantastic poetry book from S. Read the first one before sleep last night- life does change and for happiness to arrive, you must have some rough spot first.

Beauty and joy in the most unexpected places.

Life is good.

Day 1 Inner Dialogue

 


When getting dressed this morning, I thought to myself as I chose which shirt to wear - this could be the shirt I will always remember as the one I wore when I was told, "You have cancer."

I chose a dark brown cotton v-neck.

The radiologist's nurse had just called me. Her voice coming out of my cell phone said that the radiologist wanted to tell me the biopsy results face-to-face. I said okay, I would come right in.

I pressed END CALL. I sat in my office chair holding the cell phone. Curled forward and cried. Sobbed.

Just for maybe 30 seconds though. For I knew I had to pull it together. I knew I had a battle to fight, but didn't know the size of the enemy army yet. Or even what it looked like. I walked into the next door office, told them why I would be leaving right away. They were speechless. I look back, those poor guys.

So off I went, out the office door, mechanically slid into my blue Mercedes. Off to find out intel on my next mission. One I knew I would have no choice but to accept.

When driving to the radiologist's office, I thought to myself - if its Stage 4 or 5 I will freak out, if its 1, 2, or 3 I can deal with it.

Please God, let it be treatable.
Please God. You see the years ahead. Keep me around for more of them.
Lots more. 

The radiologist started off the in-person appointment by asking me how the biopsy site felt? was it bruising? I thought to myself - she's nice, she has bad news to tell me and she's trying to settle me down, build a rapport, and I'm not going to rush her. Keep up the small talk. Delay the moment. Keep it light.

That was 10 AM this morning. The point where before met after.

I am now in the after. About two weeks after.

Ninety-five percent of the time after hearing this news, after 10 AM, I am positive, I am certain God will fix this, I can do this, others have done this, I will learn a lot, others will be helped, God will use this to His glory, others will be touched in ways I will never know, my husband will be right there with me, my sons and daughter-in-law will be encouraging, my friends will be there, I will never be alone, God tells me to be still and know that HE is God.

Then the other five percent of the time I say - this is crazy, this happens to other people not me, I can't do this, its gonna hurt, I don't want to do this, I DON'T WANT TO DO THIS, what if it doesn't work, why me, I have too much life to live, too many places to see, I want to grow old, why did I complain two weeks ago about anything?

I prefer the 95% part much better.  If I let myself, I can break down in tears at a second's notice. I don't want to let myself, as I am not sure I want to dawdle too long in the five percent. Am I in denial? No completely. Sort of a healthy denial. I am in survivor mode.... I am doing the things I need to, treating this as if it is happening to someone else not me. The old Third Party treatment. I write down everything, as the brain is a bit fuzzy all day long. I ask the right questions. I have called a referred surgeon and oncologist, have written down exactly the reports they need, and in what format. When I go in for the MRI on Thursday at 1 PM I will take in this piece of paper and get the test results faxed to the right people. I will hand the paper over to the nurse, and I will not remember having written these test names down today. This day will be filed away in my brain as "don't have to remember much" of it.

People have let me talk, let me process, tell the story, as short as it is so far. In a year from now, I will be through this journey, and this will all be a memory. I will read these very words, not remembering writing them I bet. Who will be the stalwart ones who march through with me? I think I know...

My husband looks more upset than I do. That's true love, rejoicing for me and grieving for me. He is positive I will be healed. He is upset for me for how painful and sick I will feel over the next 6 months. That's true love. He tells me he will be with me every step, and I believe him. He will. That is him. He is my rock. He is my rock upon which I will lay my head, on the moss on the rock.

My son in town asks if he can drive with me to hear the radiology report. Wow, you know that is an offer of true love. Who would want to do that?

My son out of town asks what can he do to help. I tell him, keep in touch. Text and e-mail and phone calls. Short ones. Sweet and upbeat. I need to be in touch.

One friend stops by, to hear what's going on, a breast cancer survivor. I am encouraged just seeing her sit there, healthy and happy six years later.  Just seeing her. I can't remember a word she said, but I remember totally that she cared enough to come right over. I ran out of words, she and Mike talked, I sat and listened. I needed that.

One friend says she is going to look up Psalms on healing and e-mail me them.

One friend says God will use this for good, and I will never be alone. She will go to doctor's with me, sit with me, do anything for me. I know she will, she is that kind of person.

One friend says I can come over and just go blah, blah, blah anytime I need.  She says she knows life isn't perfect and she is strong enough to hear it from me and still be okay. This is amazingly reassuring. I never would have thought to offer that to a friend. What a gift.

So many friends say they are praying for me. I tell them thanks, that is what works. Pray for the doctors to be wise and have clear vision in their diagnoses, that the tests be accurate, and that healing begin. Now. Right now... and thank you.  One friend says I am a fighter and of anyone, they know I can win this. It is a battle, isn't it?

One friend calls at 10 PM, to see if I am still okay. I'm being covered with love. Lifted up by prayers. God's hands are evident in the hands of my friends and family.

I stopped in the parking lot at the radiologist, and asked something I have never asked - I wanted a verse.  Holy Spirit, what will you bring to me to hold onto through this?  I will wait here in this car until you bring a verse to my mind. And, by the way, I am in no rush.

Be still and know that I am God.
Be still and know that I AM GOD.
Okay.

Well, since He is God, what have I to fear.....
--
Love is the answer,
At least for most of the questions in my heart... Jack Johnson

Starting a Blog

Dear all,

In reading Henri Nouwen's Can You Drink the Cup? he talks about community - a fellowship of people who do not hide their joys and sorrows but make them visible to each other in a gesture of HOPE.

You reading this are my community. Mike and I have been uplifted by your encouragement, resting on your prayers, and relishing your company. God is healing me of breast cancer, and you all are His hands on earth.

So today I am starting a blog (thanks to daughter-in-law Tray and her internet savvy.) I am posting my writings starting today. I am also going to copy e-mails to you, my dear friends, into this blog, so I can keep a record of them. I think you can tell which is which.

This is an open to the public blog. I will only mention names of my family. All other names will be initials. Please feel free to share this blog with anyone you think it might be of use to.

Its about me, but really its about all of us.

I don't know what to call this blog. We are setting up the blog as "Ever Onward and Upward".  Time marches on. I want think of my spirits always lifting up. Of course, at that far and distance future moment when my feet will never walk on the dirt of earth anymore, I will be upward. But that's a long time from now...

I will change the title when I finish, but for now, here goes, ever onward and upward....