I AM SECOND

One of my heroes (and he would cringe if he heard someone call him that) is Tony Dungy. If you don't know of him, he was a football player, NFL coach (Superbowl), well regarded by all. Five years ago, one of his seven kids committed suicide at age eighteen. Moments at the very top of elation, and the very depths of sadness.

He is now on a billboard south of Orlando, having done an I AM SECOND video.

 http://www.iamsecond.com/

I first heard of these videos two summers ago when Josh Hamilton won the Home Run Derby, he did an I AM SECOND video.

I AM SECOND to Jesus.

Just in case you are interested....

Ramping up for Chemo #4 - Attitude

I'm starting with a hat trick of quotes from 3 wise men: Bernie Siegel, Chuck Swindoll, and St. Paul. All on attitude.

When disappointments and setbacks occur, learn to view them as events that will redirect you to something good. Bernie Siegel

The only thing we can do is play the one string we have, and that is our attitude... I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% how I react to it. And so it is with you... we are in charge of our attitudes.  Chuck Swindoll

Philippians 2:5 Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus

It's the Monday before Chemo #4 on Tuesday.

This might be the last one, or there might be two more, that's the conversation we're having with Dr. M tomorrow. I want two more, because I want to make sure every single errant cell is zapped. But he was leaning towards only four because Chemo is hard on your body, and I will next go to radiation.

I am right between two protocols. Stage 2 Invasive Breast Cancer with no nodes involved was four Taxotere plus Cytoxan treatments, and with nodes involved was eight treatments. I had only one node involved. Just one. So we briefly talked about six treatments. I want to get all the cancer cells gone, no change for recurrence. I do think that whatever Dr. M decides (I will give it my all for six) will be the right decision. I've been praying that the Holy Spirit give him clear insight into what my body needs right now for full healing. So He will.

Fantastic weekend at the beach with Mike, Corey and T. We went to the same hotel as in May, which was the weekend before Chemo #1. They have great deals at beach hotels during the summer... We sat under the umbrellas with SPF 55 on, came out of the sun mid-day. I don't think I got a lick of tan, but that's the point.

Took our IPADS so we played Scrabble, and we have a new game (for us), Balderdash. Oh my goodness, laughing until tears are falling. I am surrounded by very creative, funny and loving people in this family.


I have to add these two photos. Mike and Corey in the first are doing the typical pose of two guys on the beach with a football.

In the second photo, they look as if this spheroid object just washed up on the beach and they are trying to figure out what it is? In reality, they were looking at the writing on the football, because these two orderly guys wanted to make sure the words were facing front and in full view when the photo was taken. I just love it!

At one point it hit us, compare who we are right now to who we were only three months ago sitting in the very same beach chairs.

First, I am now certain God has healed me completely, it is getting worked out through the chemo and radiation and my body's immune system is getting back into working order. Three months ago in my mind I was certain, and I was asking God to bring my emotions and believing up to one hundred percent. He has done that, I am peaceful and secure knowing Jesus is the healer.

Secondly, on the same topic, I had decided in May to trust God for His help during Chemo #1. Now it is so much easier to lean over into Him during Chemo #4, knowing that He has been there every second of the way for the first three chemos. I  FEEL certain He will be here this time too. I still have blips of thoughts - oh darn, how did these three weeks in between chemos fly so fast, have I done all I need to do to prepare.. But those are blips and I pick them up out of my thoughts and throw them up to Jesus, and bring back the thought- thank you for healing me, thank you for being right here with me, thank you for the peace that passes all understanding.

Thirdly, How thankful I am to all you who are helping, in ways that might seem small to you but they are HUGE MOUNTAINS of LOVE AND KINDNESS to me and to Mike. Every word, e-mail, phone message, meal, flower, prayer, mall walk, walk anywhere, devoting days to me, lunch, tea, hand sanitizer packets, air aromatherapy, car ride, soup, book, pashmina, movies, etc are beautiful times for me to see God's love in action. And I know this is tiring, as this has been going on since the end of April. But you guys are all so good to hang in there with me! It is as if each kindness is a flower, and all together they compose the most beautiful bouquet, or really a breath-taking field of wildflowers!

I can empathize with Henri Nouwen when he talks about his need for community. I need community. I do not want to exist separate from others. But yet, I want to look to Jesus for my affirmation of worth as a person. And believe me, He thinks you and I and all of us are just the apple of His eye. He loves each of us unconditionally, which is just mind-boggling. Because of this, when I'm with my community, I can hopefully be evidence of His love for others as well as sharing in some for myself.

This all gets me back to the verse He gave me in the parking lot before I got the first biopsy results - Be still and know that I am God, Psalm 46. I have never been as still as I have been these past four and a half months. Especially in acupuncture. You have to lie really really still for thirty minutes which I said I could NEVER do, but, well, never say never. It is the best time for prayer and contemplative prayer, just repeating over and over slowly with your breathing.  I started out with the verse from Psalms, but now I say the beginning of Psalm 23. You know, that is such a great Psalm.  No wonder it is the most asked for Psalm in hospitals.

And then fourthly, I know I am being redirected. I want it to stick. I want God to change me how He wants, redirect my path, and I want to stay on it.

I think there is no such thing as "I don't have enough time for that". We all spend our time where we want, and if something is important to you, you will put it as a priority and it will get done. It is my highest priority to stay focused on Jesus, to continue growing in my relationship with Him, to keep my face pointed towards God.

Maybe that's a key - keep growing. Just like any relationship, people change. God doesn't change, but I do. So my relationship with Him, just like my marriage and how I interact with my kids, must keep growing and flexing through the years to stay vibrant and alive and appropriate. My boys are twenty five and twenty nine, so I have a far different relationship with them as I did twenty years ago. Mike and I have been married thirty two years, now we are empty nesters, and helping each other heal. A far different relationship than ten years ago or twenty. And each time we flex and redirect, we grow closer.

With God, I would stagnate if I stayed exactly with Him like I am now. God doesn't want me to learn about Him and then put Him up on my library shelf, as if He were the concept of permutations and combinations, you learn about them, and then store that knowledge and rarely use it.  Only when someone asks you in daily conversation, How many ways could these seven Scrabble letters be combined? you could figure out the answer.

No, No, He is a living God, who is watching over me. He is my Shepherd, He restores my soul. He leads me to still waters, leads me down paths of righteousness for His name's sake. He has plans for Mike and I. And we want to do whatever He asks.

We have to listen.

Heal me oh Lord, that I might do your will to your glory, for the rest of my life.

Asking for prayers

Dear Friends,

Chemo #4 is Tuesday. How the time FLIES...

How thankful I am to all you who are helping, in ways that might seem small to you but they are HUGE MOUNTAINS of LOVE AND KINDNESS to me and to Mike. Every word, e-mail, phone message, meal, flower, prayer, mall walk, walk anywhere, devoting days to me, lunch, tea, hand sanitizer packets, air aromatherapy, car ride, soup, book, pashmina, movies, etc are beautiful times for me to see God's love in action. And I know this is tiring, as this has been going on since the end of April.

But you guys are all so good to hang in there with me! It is as if each kindness is a flower, and all together they compose the most beautiful bouquet, or really a breath-taking field of wildflowers.

I am asking once again for your prayers for me (and Mike) tomorrow:

- Dr. M decides tomorrow whether this is the last chemo or we do 2 more, please ask the Holy Spirit give him discernment (then comes radiation)

- That the Chemo drugs do their job killing every single errant cell in my body

- That my body stay strong and functioning

- Mike (my one and only caregiver this time) has a really busy day job right now too, so may Jesus lighten his yoke and grant him peace that passes understanding

- May my eyes stay focused on Jesus

Thank you again, dear ones. Ever Onward and Upward...

Hallelujah!

Every time we remember to say "thank you",
we experience nothing less than heaven on earth.
-- Sarah Ban Breathnach

I answered the phone while driving this morning, it was the surgeon's office, where I had a biopsy this Monday. It was B the nurse. She asked me how I was doing today... A BILLION thoughts go through your mind in one second.  Is she trying to settle me down for bad news or is it good news so she is relaxed and taking her time? Did she say that with a smile or a tense grimace?

I respond, Every day is a beautiful day. She says, well this news will make today even more beautiful.. I scream out BRAVO and I am certain she is wincing and her ear drum has been burst, but she and I, we don't care. It is a diagnosis of mastitis, which is so not anything at all at this point in time. YEAH! Double YEAH!

I tell the family immediately. This is such fun news. Hallelujah Mike texts back. They all text back, aren't texts great!

Such a thin line between Hallelujah and Oh man.

It is time to ask myself, am I thankful I got cancer?

I know God didn't give it to me. It's a result of cells mutating, and my immune system not being strong enough at this moment to kill the mutated ones.

I know God is efficient and He is using this time in my life to catch my attention, draw me closer, stir me up, and change me forever for the better.

He's showing me how much He loves me, and healing me to better than I was before, in mind, body and spirit.

When I look at photos of times last year, before cancer ,I remember how light hearted I was. I still have moments of light heartedness. I also have moments of knowing God is RIGHT HERE.

Picture this - a black sphere, could be granite or marble. Solid black. Pretty boring to look at? Yes. You look at it for a second or two and move on. No depth, it doesn't tell very much of a story.

Now, if a crack forms in that rock and water with minerals, say silicon and some other minerals, seeps into the crack, quartz could form. And veins of other deposits.

Now the rock looks so much more interesting, more beautiful. The deep black contrasted with white quartz and some taupes and shades of brown from minerals in the crystals.

And that beauty never would have made its way into the black rock if there weren't a crack.

All the experiences we have, every day we live, every person we interact with, they make us who we are. The good and the bad, the joyful and the tearful.

So yes, I can say I am thankful I got cancer. It has added to my beautiful life.

Biopsy

Had another biopsy today.

I am positive it is nothing.

But I am really going to be happy to hear that news from the Dr. when she calls later this week to tell me the biopsy says it is nothing.

What does that say about my faith? Is it still strong?

I think of Reagan's quote, used so often by us moms raising teenagers - Trust, yet verify.

By mistake, D and S went to lunch with me today. We had planned on next Monday, and one of us thought it was this Monday, so when she e-mailed to confirm, we all were free today, so we went out today too.

Which was really convenient, really really convenient. Mike was to take me to the biopsy, and he had crisis at work, so I needed someone to take me at the last minute. You want someone to take you that you feel completely comfortable with. They inject lidocaine so it doesn't hurt when they do the biopsy, but the lidocaine injection hurts. And you just are a little shaky about the whole procedure. How could I have planned this better? THANK YOU GOD!

The Dr. looked at me, checked her notes and thought that the rash today was much smaller, much lighter in color, not as swollen at all, and if she hadn't seen me two weeks ago, she wouldn't do a biopsy on this today. But since she saw it two weeks ago quite red and swollen, quite a large red swollen rash (orange peel?) and to give us all peace of mind, she did one.

They are concerned about Inflammatory Breast Cancer. It doesn't show as a lump, it shows as swollen lymph vessels in the breast. Inflamed. Often misdiagnosed as mastitis (infection in the breast.) Very aggressive, grows as a sheet under the skin. Can't see it on mammograms. Only diagnosed by biopsy. So a biopsy we will do. 

God is good, all the time.

Markers

How do we remember those moments, those precious moments, when God is so alive to us that He is RIGHT THERE in the middle of our lives?  When He is calling the shots and it is so fantastic and we feel so alive? So happy and exhilarated and ALIVE!

In the Old Testament, they would set up a pillar or pile stones to mark events where God interacted in a powerful way. Joshua and the Jordan River, Jacob and wrestling with the angel, etc.

So, what do we do to remember those moments?

First thing comes to mind are photographs.

And more than even a photograph, a wedding album.

Parents, what is perhaps the single biggest decision your child can make that will determine their joy and happiness and contentment and satisfaction in life? Choosing Christ. Okay. Stick with me.

What is perhaps the SECOND biggest decision your child can make? Who they marry! Who will join with them as one and walk with them every day for the rest of their life. Who will be there to pick them up, and they will pick up their spouse when they fall. Who will be there to encourage, to share joy and sorrow, to believe when they are shaky, to share everything.

Last week I had the absolute joy to meet with the photographer for our son's wedding in March, to choose the final shots for the wedding album. This is one marker, the memory of that day that was of utmost importance in our family. And of UTMOST JOY! On March 5 we were a family of four; since 5:00 PM March 6, we are a family of five!

I looked at the first draft of the wedding album the photographer e-mailed me. Magical. Then I went through all the photos to see which I might want added. We were all SO HAPPY! I don't think I saw one photo of any of us not smiling. Ear to ear smiles. It was so easy, through her photos, to be transported back in time to that day when God blessed all of us in such a concrete way. So this album is our marker.

And yes, I had tears in my eyes looking at the photos. Of before I knew I had cancer. Of us all laughing because we were all filled with joy. It was so easy to laugh.

Well, it still is easy to laugh. And I still feel joy. I'm just more tired these days. That will pass. It is easier to laugh when you aren't tired or hurting physically anywhere on your body. But you do still laugh.

Okay, what other events deserve markers? The birth of both our sons, our wedding day, again we have photos and each other to remember these times when God blessed us. And there are random times I felt God's presence in the paths of our lives.

Two more big ones are Mike's healing from lymphoma and my healing from cancer. We don't have markers from these. Yet. I'm going to do some thinking....

Sharks circling the Island

I was standing on a small island, about the size of four parking spaces. In the middle of Key Biscayne, north of the Rickenbacker Causeway to the mainland. This island had one palm tree and the rest was sand. The water was that magical light blue-green of Caribbean water. There were a handful of sharks swimming around the island.  I could see their fins above the water. Swimming and swimming. It was hot and the sun was shining, I had to squint my eyes. I was alone on the island.

I was scared of the sharks, they were circling the island, lifting up their heads to look at me once in awhile. I was afraid, scared, shaking, and I wanted off that island right away.

You know this was a dream by now, right?

Afraid. Scared. I want to be on the safe mainland, which was in site. I called out and no one could hear me. So I prayed - God rescue me. I'm scared. Get me out of here!

I remembered the story of Peter walking on the water. When he kept his eyes focused on Jesus and when he kept his belief solid that he COULD walk on water, he did. Matt 14: "Come," he said. Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus. When he doubted, he fell in.

I remembered the title of Ortberg's book which I love, If You Want to Walk on Water, You've Got to Get Out of the Boat. A GREAT book title.

So, in my dream, I think of this title, and walk to the edge of my tiny island.

I pray to God to rescue me and let me walk on water and end up on dry land in Miami.  God, I believe in You. I will step out and I will walk on the water.  It's not too far, I could see the dry land.

I put one foot on the water. It goes right to the bottom, doesn't work.  Well, I try again, this time taking a huge step out further, and nope, right to the bottom.

Okay, I pull back, as all the sharks are RIGHT THERE watching me... And I think, Peter didn't have to deal with sharks.

I pause for a minute.

Hmmm.

I know God could make it so I walk on water. Do I not have enough faith?

Then I pray, God rescue me and guide me what to do.

A little different prayer than before.

BOOM!

All of a sudden (dreams are great) I see so many other options. Common sense ones.

There is a rowboat beached on this island which has been there all the time. I never noticed it.

A Coast Guard boat with a rescue dog comes zooming up towards me with a megaphone and they are calling out to me, do I need help?

A helicopter comes overhead, dipping down to talk to me.

And I notice I have a cell phone in my hand, which has been there all the time.

I wasn't scared anymore.  I don't know which exit strategy I chose. The dream was over.

God doesn't need always to do the miraculous, the action-movie stunt, the dramatic turn around, the instant fix. He always can, but He doesn't always need to. Sometimes He works through the gentle, the progressive, the steady and the subtle.

He will rescue us.

He will redeem us.

He never will forget us.

He never will leave us.

BUT, He will do it in HIS TIME, in HIS MANNER.

He is the authority. He is in control.

I need to stop trying to tell God exactly how to run my life.

I love dreams...