Wednesday and Thursday exhausted me. Making thoughtful, emotional decisions is exhausting. I am taking it easy this weekend. My body needs rest, but my mind needs entertainment and intrigue. The 45-17 Florida State - Miami game last night gave neither. The commentators started talking about whether Jimmy Johnson is an excellent NASCAR driver, or is it his team and car that are superior. Oh boy. Then there's Angry Birds on the IPAD, a pretty mindless game where birds plummet into green pigs, which I have played so much my right hand is tired today. I need to find a good book to carry me away.
This morning's devotional was spot on. Paraphrased it was - Do not complain, as that leads to self-pity and rage. Instead bring ALL your cares to God. He will put His words in your mind and His song in your heart. I like that.
Reminds me of the verse from Philippians Mike e-mailed me early on in this adventure - Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
I am no better or worse than anyone at doing this. You could do this. You could heal. God is waiting for each of us to turn our faces towards Him. Don't wait to get cancer to do it, look to Him now.
You also could write this blog. Reading your e-mails, you all have thoughts in your hearts I want to hear. That others would like to hear. So many of you have mentioned how neat a blog is. Try it!
I read Wendy Choiji's article (Orlando TV anchor who beat breast cancer eight years ago) this morning in the Orlando Sentinel, and I think, Can I do this healing as well as she did? She did it so well, with such strength and energy!
I hope I can do this. Hope. And what is faith? It is being certain of what you hope for. Lord, strengthen my faith that I am certain of healing every minute. Remind me that I can only do this while looking to You.
Here follows the e-mails from you all.... which keep me going.... This is a long process and your dots and dashes of kindnesses are so beautiful. Thank you.
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This first email to me needs a note of explanation. The photo of the baseball field was from Sanford's Breast Cancer Awareness game this summer (the Sanford River Rats are one of the college summer teams of Florida League, which I have been involved with for 7 years and which was run great this summer without me involved much at all.) I couldn't go to any of them this summer, the timing always landed on a day I felt yechy. But here's what the fantastic stadium crew did on the field. The entrance sign to the stadium sign said, Team Sara! 
Thought I’d send over a couple of pictures.
One from the season, (not sure if you had a chance to see)
and one new picture of our stadium sign.
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Praying hard, just listen, God will tell you. It's all about trust isn't it.
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God has guided you every step of the way so I know you will know exactly what He wants you to do tomorrow...just listen to His "still small voice"
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You will indeed be covered in prayer. Tomorrow is yet another chapter in your book of healing. These are situations when you think, pray, rethink , ask questions, take surveys, phone a friend etc and (I know I sometimes feel) it would be easier if He could just give you the answer in something understated like skywriting :-). Alas, His guidance will be subtle yet affirming for what you will need. I realize the subtle yet affirming is akin to "jumbo shrimp" but you understand! I hope you rest well tonight knowing that Team Sara is standing with you.
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| From FL Hospital's wall in Cancer Wing |
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I am confident that you & Dr. M have made the right choice regarding your chemo, and am praying now for you to have peace about that decision.
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May the wisdom that surpasses all understanding be present with both you and your doctor tomorrow. I will be thinking of you and knowing that you and Dr. M will make the correct decision. God Bless.....
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God has held you in the palm of His hand, thus far, and will never let you down. I am certain you will continue down the right path.
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Sending you our prayers and love. God and all of your loved ones are with you now and tomorrow. You will be right where you're supposed to be- trust in that.
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My thoughts and prayers are with you. There's no doubt in my mind you will win this battle.
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Peace, Girl, Peace ... : )
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God speed. I know you will get guidance and choose the right path. I'm praying for you.
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I’m praying, praying, praying!!!!
Proverbs 3:5-6
Trust in the Lord with all your heart;
do not depend on your own understanding.
Seek his will in all you do,
and he will show you which path to take.
Trust in the Lord with all your heart;
do not depend on your own understanding.
Seek his will in all you do,
and he will show you which path to take.
Proverbs 15:22
Plans fail for lack of counsel, but with many advisers they succeed.
Plans fail for lack of counsel, but with many advisers they succeed.
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Just as you have been doing , pray,listen ( to God, your body and spirit,and, oh yes, Dr. M,) and trust.
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As you go into #6, my thoughts and prayers continue. Even though you have had a few more problems with #5, you have tackled them.
I am sure # 6 will see the same steadfast success. And it will be your last chemo!!! Yeah! I had problems with #2 and #3, but the last one seemed to go more smoothly. Of course there was more exhaustion, but the treatment and problems of the past seemed easier for some reason. Knowing that it was going to be over after that, may have given me more resolve and peace. I hope that happens to you.
Wrap yourself in all the prayers, hugs and love your family and friends are sending your way.
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Disturb Us, O Lord
when we are too well pleased with ourselves
when our dreams have come true because we have dreamed too little
when we arrived safely because we sailed too close to the shore
Disturb Us, O Lord
when with the abundance of things we possess
we have lost our thirst for the Waters of Life;
having fallen in love with life, we have ceased to dream of eternity.
And in our efforts to build a new earth,
we have allowed our vision of the new heaven to dim.
Disturb Us, O Lord - to dare more boldly
to venture on wider seas where storms will show your mastery
where losing sight of land, we shall find the stars.
We ask you push back the horizon of our hopes,
and to push us into the future with strength, courage, hope and love."
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Thinking of you today as you come to grips with Chemo # 6. The above prayer, a version of the original attributed to Sir Francis Drake (at least according to the internet!), is offered by Father J. every Sunday. I love it! Cancer has disturbed you, and it has disturbed all of your family and friends who love you! Deeply and profoundly disturbed us!!!! I love the analogies we can make from an explorer’s prayer to our own, landlocked lives. You are one of the lucky ones who have ventured on wider seas where storms are revealing to you God’s mastery. We, your friends, can only hope that we can share your adventure…..lose sight of land and find the stars and watch God push back the horizon of our hopes and push us forward with strength, courage, hope and love!! Isn’t it a great prayer!!!Keep the faith in the Lord’s mastery!
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Yes, definite is good! One more chemo to rid your body of those little bastard guys! Give 'em hell!
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This is just amazing. I know it isn't the answer you wanted or expected to hear, but I am so glad the doctor was so sure about his decision and you have a definite direction.
I thought I would share a story that might encourage you. This is a little bit lengthy, but bare with me, it will make sense in the end!
As you know, I had two shoulder surgeries when I was playing baseball. When I came out of surgery #1, the doctor told me it was one of the largest labrum tears they had seen or heard of, but they still expected me to make a full recovery. I had to go to a rehab clinic 3-4 times a week for months. Eight months into rehab after my first surgery, my throwing was not progressing the way it was supposed to. Rehab was supposed to take anywhere between 8-12 months, but I couldn't throw 30 ft. without pain. I suspected this was because the initial tear was so bad, and that the rehab would just take a little longer. The doctor wanted me to have another Arthogram and MRI to make sure everything was ok.
When I went back for the follow up appointment after the MRI, I was told I needed a second surgery, the initial surgery didn't completely stay in tact. I was devastated. I felt like all of the rehab to which I already dedicated so much of my time accomplished nothing, and now I had to go through it again.
I chose to see a new doctor for surgery #2. He was very well known for his work on shoulders. After the surgery, Dr. #2 told me that if Dr. #1 did everything he said that he did in the surgery notes, he had done all that he could. I had a very bad tear. Dr. #2 performed a different technique and also discovered that sometime between surgeries 1 and 2, part of the cartilage in the front of my shoulder got rubbed away. They didn't know how this would effect me throwing because it was not common.
I want to share with you what the doctor told me after surgery #2 because I remember his words as clear as day and I later used it as motivation. He told me "We fixed your labrum, but we don't know how you will recover because of the complication with your cartilage. I'm not sure if you will ever be able to throw again, but I want you to rehab like you normally would for this surgery and we will re-evaluate later." They told me to expect a much longer rehab (12-18 months this time) because that was typical after a 2nd labrum surgery.
I was determined to make it back to the field to prove to the doctor that it could be done. After 21 months of rehab from surgery #2, I played my first game on the field again.
While shoulder surgery is nothing like the fight you are fighting, I wanted to share this story with you because I imagine that on Wednesday morning, you felt a little bit like I did when I found out I had to have surgery #2. You have endured all of this pain until now, and in your mind you were ready to move on to the next thing (radiation), just to find out you have to go through it again. When I got the news, initially, I was furious. I asked God why this had to happen. At this point I realized that it was all in His hands and during the course of those months of rehab after surgery 2 I grew much closer to Him. Philipians 4:13, which says “I can do all things through Him who strengthens me”, took on an entirely new meaning to me.
I thought I would share a story that might encourage you. This is a little bit lengthy, but bare with me, it will make sense in the end!
As you know, I had two shoulder surgeries when I was playing baseball. When I came out of surgery #1, the doctor told me it was one of the largest labrum tears they had seen or heard of, but they still expected me to make a full recovery. I had to go to a rehab clinic 3-4 times a week for months. Eight months into rehab after my first surgery, my throwing was not progressing the way it was supposed to. Rehab was supposed to take anywhere between 8-12 months, but I couldn't throw 30 ft. without pain. I suspected this was because the initial tear was so bad, and that the rehab would just take a little longer. The doctor wanted me to have another Arthogram and MRI to make sure everything was ok.
When I went back for the follow up appointment after the MRI, I was told I needed a second surgery, the initial surgery didn't completely stay in tact. I was devastated. I felt like all of the rehab to which I already dedicated so much of my time accomplished nothing, and now I had to go through it again.
I chose to see a new doctor for surgery #2. He was very well known for his work on shoulders. After the surgery, Dr. #2 told me that if Dr. #1 did everything he said that he did in the surgery notes, he had done all that he could. I had a very bad tear. Dr. #2 performed a different technique and also discovered that sometime between surgeries 1 and 2, part of the cartilage in the front of my shoulder got rubbed away. They didn't know how this would effect me throwing because it was not common.
I want to share with you what the doctor told me after surgery #2 because I remember his words as clear as day and I later used it as motivation. He told me "We fixed your labrum, but we don't know how you will recover because of the complication with your cartilage. I'm not sure if you will ever be able to throw again, but I want you to rehab like you normally would for this surgery and we will re-evaluate later." They told me to expect a much longer rehab (12-18 months this time) because that was typical after a 2nd labrum surgery.
I was determined to make it back to the field to prove to the doctor that it could be done. After 21 months of rehab from surgery #2, I played my first game on the field again.
While shoulder surgery is nothing like the fight you are fighting, I wanted to share this story with you because I imagine that on Wednesday morning, you felt a little bit like I did when I found out I had to have surgery #2. You have endured all of this pain until now, and in your mind you were ready to move on to the next thing (radiation), just to find out you have to go through it again. When I got the news, initially, I was furious. I asked God why this had to happen. At this point I realized that it was all in His hands and during the course of those months of rehab after surgery 2 I grew much closer to Him. Philipians 4:13, which says “I can do all things through Him who strengthens me”, took on an entirely new meaning to me.
I later realized that whatever the outcome was of all this surgery, ultimately I grew much closer to God and that was something that would last forever Whether I made it back to baseball or not didn’t matter, it was God’s plan to take Baseball away to draw me closer to Him.
I was blessed to get the best of both worlds, I grew closer to God and He gave me baseball again. I pray the same will be true for you and that life goes back to normal after the last chemo and radiation.
Keep up the fight!
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Isn't it the best when a Dr. can tell you exactly the what needs to be done?!! Halaluya!! I hope you are doing well and are content in knowing what needs to be done! In my heart I feel you will recover!
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Your doctor made the decision for you. He was an instrument of God. Dr. M has the skill, knowledge, and historical background with all types of cancer that you have to believe you are in the best of hands. Onward you go to the last chemo. You are right... look out cancer cells... this final round will terminate your existence in Sara's body. GOOD riddance!!!! Always praying for you, ALWAYS thinking about you and I love to hear your name announced every Tuesday at the Healing Service. So many people you don't even know are praying for your recovery. God is at your side, every step of the way. You have felt His presence all along and those of us who have been able to follow your path believe more than ever in the power of prayer. Stay peaceful, sweet lady. Allow your family to continue loving you and caring for you. May God continue to give you peace, courage and strength! All my love and smiles heading to you, ==========================
Bless you Sara we are with you all the way
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Oh, Sara isn't it amazing when you can actually see the hand of God guiding you! And think of it this way - you need 6 chemo treatments and you are done with 5. You are 83.33% through. Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.
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Thanks for your update. We are happy to know you have direction and certainty, but also praying for your peace in the midst of this long road. I understand and was tracking with your logically divided path, where chemotherapy was likely done and Part 2 ready to begin. I am sorry there is another Chemo for you, but so grateful for clarity. I'm sure so much is nebulous and judgment calls and weighing options and pros and cons, so this is welcome in its black and whiteness.
You continue to inspire us in your faithfulness to our Lord, and your assurance that He and only He can give understanding and peace and direction. Go get 'em!
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I am so thankful you have the peace to take the next step. I pray each day that God will wrap his loving arms around you and I know he is doing that.
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Please do not worry about this 6th treatment. First of all not everyone's case is the same however, I had a very aggressive cancer and it had spread to my lymph nodes and my tumor was 4 centimeters. I had 9 chemo treatments and 6 weeks of radiation and that was 16 years ago. I have some neuropathy in my feet but nothing I can't live with. You will survive this and be fine. I'm glad Dr. M. was so definite about this. Give this up to the Lord and he will take care of you.
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I'm with you in saying GOOD-BYE to those little buggers!! Love you!!
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Sara, I am glad our prayers were so clearly answered! Get psyched up for round #6. I know that is tough to do, but you have done it before, and you can do it again. I dreaded my third brain surgery but kept telling myself, that I survived the previous ones and I can do it again. "Attitude is Everything." You know what to expect, and that can work against you sometimes, but you are going to have so many of us praying for you and caring for you. You are surrounded by love. Can you feel it? I hope so! Keep all of us posted. You stay in my daily prayers!!!
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I'm praying for you! You are a very positive person with a very supportive family. I believe you handle Chemo #6 with ease! With a positive outlook and a family behind you, you beat this terrible disease!
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And we will continue with the prayers, my friend.
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Sara, I am sure you have made the correct decision. Through the help of God's grace, you heard positive answers from your Dr. I will continue to keep you in my prayers while you speed your way to a total recovery!! God bless you!!
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Definite is good! Hooray! The last one should be a piece of cake with what you have already endured!
