Psalm 46

If you think that my past nine months can be thought of as a high risk exploration of uncharted darkness, then here's a quote.

We shall not cease from exploration. 
And the end of all our exploring will be to arrive where we started 
and know the place for the first time. T. S. Eliot. 

Where was my starting block for this nine month race?

It was sitting in the car in the radiology parking lot, before hearing my biopsy results. I asked God for a verse, because I knew the results were going to be cancer. They had called me minutes before, asking me to appear in person to hear my biopsy results. I wasn't going to leave the car until I had a verse. A verse to hold in my heart the entire time. The verse He gave me was

Be still, and know that I am God. Psalm 46. 
have held onto that verse for nine months. I have it posted over my computer at my desk, I have had Psalm 46 printed out and sitting on my bedside table, I have had this verse on the bottom of my e-mails for the past nine months.  I have seen this verse and repeated it at least a dozen times each day. I have thought about it for hours.

The "Be Still" part happened. We knew that would. We all see that. I was physically tired,  made to feel ill from surgeries, chemo, radiation.  Had to stop my life and take a break. My soul was able to take a breather as well. Not as much stimulus coming in, allowing for more thought time and inner conversations. I could meditate, think, pray, roll an idea around my mind for hours and hours. Uninterrupted.

The "and Know that I am God" part is what took the nine months for me to see; I hope I will be understanding this part more deeply each year.

Reading the entire Psalm, it is a really powerful Psalm. I have copied it at the end of this entry. This isn't a Psalm about meditation and a mild-mannered middle aged woman  like me doing a workbook on Jesus in the safety of my light blue upholstered chair with a cup of tea sitting next to me. No, this is a Psalm about the ONLY true source of life and light and love in the world. Who has the WHOLE UNIVERSE in the palm of His hand. The point of reference is HUGE natural disaster or nations at war.

God is so powerful that when the very ground you are standing on crumbles without a moment's notice, and when something you knew to be the very definition of solid and trustworthy starts to disintegrate and slide beneath the surface into the darkness, well, God is patiently waiting for you to look to Him. We are told to Be Still. In the midst of earthquakes and tsunamis, war and suffering, sickness and health. Be Still, and look to Him.

You know, that is how I have felt so many times, especially at the start of the past nine months. Sitting hearing the doctor say It's cancer, as if the very ground I am standing on is crumbling. Deciding between mastectomy or lumpectomy, as if mountains are sliding into the crashing ocean. It is all falling apart, my life, my marching forward, many-faceted life. What power can put this out of control train back on the track?

God.

Know that He is the center of all we know, the creator of all life, the source of all love and light.

What does "know" mean?

To know an idea is to understand it in your brain. But it is more. To know is to have that idea move from the academic memorizing of it as a fact, to the deep seated understanding of it as a three dimensional substantial truth. To see its depth and width and height and its colors. To know is to have it become a part of you.
God wants me to know that He is God. Really know this. Know it so much that it becomes a part of me. That I live every day as if I know HE is the absolute truth, the most solid of solid and powerful of powerful.

The more I know that He is God, the more I see that I want the King of the Universe, the Creator and Savior of Man, the Author and Finisher of my faith to be, well, everything in my life. I want Him to be who I say hello to when I wake up. I want to praise Him and thank Him first thing. I want to let Him guide my steps and my thoughts all day long. I want Him to fill me with His Spirit and His Love. I want to take refuge in Him, to be used by Him, to be restored by Him and to be guided by Him.

How in the world do I do THAT? Well, since He is so powerful, it is simple. Ask Him to help me. The only part I have to do it ask, and then be still so I can hear His answers, all day every day.  Just obey.
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Psalm 46^. A song.

 ¹ God is our refuge and strength,
   an ever-present help in trouble.
² Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way
   and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea,
³ though its waters roar and foam
   and the mountains quake with their surging.


 ⁴ There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God,
   the holy place where the Most High dwells.
⁵ God is within her, she will not fall;
   God will help her at break of day.
⁶ Nations are in uproar, kingdoms fall;
   he lifts his voice, the earth melts.

 ⁷ The LORD Almighty is with us;
   the God of Jacob is our fortress.

 ⁸ Come and see what the LORD has done,
   the desolations he has brought on the earth.
⁹ He makes wars cease
   to the ends of the earth.
He breaks the bow and shatters the spear;
   he burns the shields with fire.
¹⁰ He says, “Be still, and know that I am God;
   I will be exalted among the nations,
   I will be exalted in the earth.”

 ¹¹ The LORD Almighty is with us;
   the God of Jacob is our fortress.

Here or There, plus Radiation Update

I've been asking myself a question, How do I give God the glory? Once I am done with all this stuff, the surgery, chemo, and now radiation, I want to stay the course with God, and while doing that, I want to give Him the glory. Follow His path for me, step by step. Giving Him the glory.

What is glory anyway?

I remember learning ages ago that "to glorify God" was the answer to "Why were we created?"

Isaiah 43:7.. everyone who is called by my name, whom I created for my glory, whom I formed and made
What is glory?

I think of the positive, magnificent, ethereal, bright splendid light and the ultimate of goodness.

A field of Easter Lilies blooming in the pure sunshine.

Light.

A Christmas Tree with the white clear lights.

Singing. Preferably people with good voices, but not necessarily. People meaning what they sing.

Sunshine rays streaming down through a cloud.

What does the dictionary say?

a : praise, honor, or distinction extended by common consent

b : worshipful praise, honor, and thanksgiving glory to God

So, the point is to honor and praise God by everything we do. PHEW, I will need His help on this. Which is the whole point!

Have you noticed that when you are thinking of an issue, you notice it everywhere. I have been thinking of "Giving God Glory." I want to be more transparent, yet not be afraid to act as He wants me to. In this Sunday's sermon, Isaac said he had a professor who said the world was made of two kinds of people, those who enter a room and say, "Here I am," and those who enter a room and say, "There you are."

Which am I?

The second group gets it, they are giving God the glory.

I want to be in the second group...

Remember Elizabeth, Zechariah's wife, mother of John the Baptist. She was a "There you are " person. Think back. She was anciently old (probably my age), and she finally got the wish of her heart, she became pregnant. At six months time, Mary came to visit her. Mary was all exuberant that she was pregnant. Elizabeth, instead of gushing about how SHE was pregnant too, responded with true joy and adoration for Mary.

That would have been hard. I would have said, "You're pregnant, how cool! So am I, and let me tell you how I heard I was preggers..."

BLAAAH... wrong.... 

Wouldn't it be fun to be Elizabeth's friend?  She hears others' news and truly is taken into the moment, sharing their joy or their sadness.

So to glorify God, we are doing the actions on earth to love others as He would. To be present in THAT moment of THEIR lives. I need to keep this as my prayer all day long. How quickly we can forget it.

Here's an example. Of someone who wasn't even present in her own moment. Who was a There You Are person, until she had a crisis....

In radiation therapy, you have the same time of appointment every week day. At 9:45 right before me is an older woman with a portable oxygen tank and a beige hat. She is just a delight. I am 10:00. At 10:15 is a drop dead gorgeous young woman, with the most beautiful elbow length brown hair, always in high heels and with make up on. She only had twenty treatments scheduled (because her breasts are smaller she says) and she always has a smile and something positive to say to me, You are one-third the way there, or, You are looking good today. We have one minute conversations while passing in the hall. She has always been very encouraging and sweet.

Today was her last day, we all knew that. You form intimate yet anonymous relationships in the treatment rooms. The technicians are so so friendly. (Mike and I had our photo in the local paper this weekend, I arrived Monday to see it taped to the wall!) You are going through similar things as the other patients, so you talk. About sunburns and bras and wigs, etc.

I came out of the treatment room and saw the young woman with beautiful brown hair sitting in the waiting chair grumpy. I said, Today's your last day, are you celebrating? She said, No. This weekend we had all our equipment stolen, even my personal computer. Out of our truck. I said, Oh dear. She went on, I'm a singer, and it was all stolen after our gig in Miami. Insurance will pay for it, but it is a pain. Is it her insurance or theirs? I had to rent equipment in the Dominican Republic for next week, and for Philadelphia this weekend. I don't feel like celebrating at all. I am angry. Yesterday I was upset, but today I am angry. Really angry. I will never go back to Miami. I hate Miami.

I stood there incredulous. I wanted to say, Have you not learned ANYTHING? You are alive, you are done with cancer, you are healed. That is just STUFF!

But I didn't. I talked with her a few minutes, the tech came out and listened, waiting for me. I said, Well, in a year you will look back on today and see the irony of it all. I am so sorry this happened to you. I am sure your singing will still be great, and the audiences won't notice a thing.  I don't know what else I said. I ended with, I am so happy for you for your good health, and went in for my #19.

I am wondering who she was. There has been a white stretch limousine in the parking lot, I have noticed the past few weeks. Could it be hers? 

She has been so encouraging of me every day, always saying something uplifting. A There You Are person. But not today. I didn't feel bad for me in the least that she didn't say something to encourage me. I felt so sorry for her that she couldn't see the joy in today that was far greater than having things stolen. Yes, things stolen is terrible. But come on, cancer treatment done? That trumps it all, if you ask me.

I don't want to forget how lucky / blessed / loved / precious I am every day, as are each of us. Someone said, I'm sick of people saying they are 'Over the hill', when they could be thankful they are not 'Under the hill.'

It comes down to being thankful doesn't it?

And how can I be thankful, if I am not still.

For when I am still, I see and feel God's presence in my life.

When I am busy as a bumble bee, I am not looking at Him. I'm just dizzy.

So then, particularly in this advent season, let me "Be still, and know that I am God." Psalm 46.

Only then can I truly love Him by loving others.

Maybe that's giving Him the glory. 

==========================

Notes on how radiation is physically going-

I just finished number 19 of 33.

They are doing IMRT now, which means they do two short x-rays before each treatment, have been doing this all last week as well.  The radiologist comes in, tweaks the settings on the radiation machine called Trilogy based on the two x-rays, and then they zap me. Takes about fifteen minutes instead of two minutes. But they have Christmas Carols playing, and good humored technicians. Today they were teasing K because she had never tasted a Krispy Kreme donut. And they don't laugh if I sing along to the carols. At least they don't laugh in front of me.

On Thursday I have a long appointment to get calibrated for my BOOST radiations, which are treatment numbers 25 - 33. They target the lumpectomy site, which has the highest probability of recurrence. Good idea. I'm all on board for that.

Today was my last day of a real bra. The whole area is sunburned, so from now on it's a Gillian and O'Malley Barely There soft stretchy sort-of-a sports compression bra but lighter. The nurses suggested wearing no bra, but that's not going to happen. You don't want the skin to blister. NO I DON'T.  I am using aloe from a plant morning and night, and a little lavender oil (which is supposed to prevent skin from burning).  Immediately after the treatments I am putting on Aquaphor. The radiation site (from center of my chest around to the back, including the armpit) is red and swollen.

My tendons are still aching in the 'watershed' areas, which means they are the tendons that get the least amount of vascular action and therefore take the longest to rebound after any motion. Upper arm and shoulder, fingers, bottoms of feet, top of thigh and hip. Advil works great, as does the stretching of yoga. This ache is due to the strong antibiotics (Avelox and Levoquin) I have been told, and should fade with time. It is fading with time. Anything that fades with time is okay by me.


Funny itchy rash on right leg knee to ankle. The reason? It was pointed out to me again that my body was given chemo for five months, and unusual things happen. It is going away slowly, cortisone cream helped. 


I am tired, more than normal. I will get more tired over the next two months, I am told. Then it too will fade. I can't drink coffee, I tried it all last week and it makes my esophagus feel raw. I have had gastric reflux issues forever.  So I'm drinking Yogi Tea - ENERGY. It has Kombacha, which gives you some zip. And that is working.  Put up the outside wreaths today, putting up Christmas decorations is proof of energy in my book.


The hair is coming back. How FUN! My head feels like the boys did when they were little and just got a crew cut. The eyebrows are all short and stubby, coming back. YEAH!


Angry Birds put out a Christmas Edition. How fun is that...

Smell the roses

How did I let my life get so busy?

How do we all as American society let our days be so busy?

We are proud of being busy, it means we are engaged, right there in the river of activity, wanted by many, needed for progress...

But was I TOO busy?

Be still and Know that I am God... Psalm 46

Only in returning to me and resting in me will you be saved.

In quietness and confidence is your strength... Isaiah 30

It's a balance.  It's seasons.

Be busy and bustling and have fun and work on accomplishing goals. Yes, please. Enjoy your day. We are created to make a difference not just take up space. We are created to reflect Glory back to God, and that means we need to be out there. And it is FUN being out there!

But also, be physically and mentally still and reflective so you can listen to your heart and to God's voice.

Mind, body, soul.

We are all three.

We educate the mind. We exercise the body. When do we invigorate our souls?

It's seasons. A little time every day for all three. Then some days more of one that the other two.

My devotional today talked about anxiety, two very practical ways to prevent it.

1. Do not let yourself spend time worrying about the future. If you do, your worries will sprout like mushrooms in the darkness of the unknown. Come back to the present. Come back to Jesus' presence.

2. Whenever you do think about the future, picture Jesus there with you. He will be.

I add a third one.

3. Spend time tending to your soul each day.

I think sometimes I am busy busy busy, so I don't have to stop and listen to my own voice. I am either running away from an issue or trying to prove something.

As a scientist, how much more efficient my days are when I have taken time to ask God to be my guide, and also when I keep in touch with Him all day long.

Slow down and smell the roses.

Boy, the older I get, the more truth I see in cliches.

Set your mind on things above

Colossians 3:
Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things.

Philippians 4:
(Follows the "do not be anxious" verses)
Finally, brothers,
whatever is true,
whatever is noble,
whatever is right,
whatever is pure,
whatever is lovely,
whatever is admirable—
if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—

think about such things.

Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—
put it into practice.

And the God of peace will be with you.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Been spending a lot of time thinking. Reflecting. The life of the mind.

It's an interesting phenomenon, how each of us can distract our own attention by social activity or turning on the television. We can go through a whole day and not have very many thoughts of our own.

Wake up - IPOD's on with music. Mind is thinking of what to make for breakfast. Then boom, pick up the remote control and turn on the television. Walk into the bathroom, boom there's a second television turned on. Go into the kitchen for breakfast, pick up the newspaper, turn on the laptop, or boom, another television. The brain, and the spirit, are getting bombarded with outside thoughts and images. And how neat if you pick up your daily devotional and go to the date, read it out loud to everyone, quick prayer and run out the door to the car, where the radio goes on immediately. In your mind, you are listing the things you need to not forget to do that day.

For me, in the above scenario, I can barely hear my own thoughts.   I wouldn't be able to hear anything God was saying, even if He were yelling, so certainly not a whisper.

So now, with a much quieter, gentler pace, and we don't turn on televisions until late afternoon or evening anyway, I am hearing more of my own thoughts. I know I want to keep them positive. Sometimes it is difficult to keep your thoughts positive when you are physically hurting, or scared.

What is keeping me positive?

It is so important to me to know I have friends and family who are praying for me. Who want the best for me. Who love me. That to me is the most important thing. I draw on your faith in my healing and your love and the multitude of ways you have shown you are walking this with me. Phrases from cards and e-mails and voice mails bubble up -

-- We are not quitters
-- I don't know of anyone better to do this than you
-- Some days there won't be a song. Sing anyway!
-- Grip our Lord's hand tightly
-- Lean on God now with all your strength, He will carry you
-- Gute Besserung
-- Make no mistake about it, you will beat this!
-- This is a pothole, you can't get around it but you will plow through it.
-- We're gonna be really cool old ladies!
-- You are cared about more than you realize.

I trust God, and accept He has healed me and the process is in motion. The chemo drugs are little tornadoes that scour my body looking for and smashing to pieces any cancer cells.

I have another biopsy on Monday, which I already know God has dealt with. Please pray for me for Monday, for Dr. R who will do the biopsy, and for complete healing! THANK YOU!

Back to positive thoughts, which goes right to the phrase that hit me early on in this adventure- Feed the faith and starve the doubt. Positive thoughts. I have no appetite for crime shows on television any more. Used to love an episode of Law and Order or Numbers. Entourage and Mad Men used to be recorded and watched, but either I have changed or they have changed. I watched an episode of Entourage and it was disgusting. Mad Men is so sad and dark.

You know what I love. Seinfeld. Its a tradition now. We have dinner and maybe take our Basset Hound on a little stroll around the block. Then back to the air conditioning to read, play Scrabble or Blokus on the IPAD. Then the cup of Chamomile tea, and an episode or two of Seinfeld. I love them. Even when I know what is going to happen, they make me laugh.

I asked at lunch two weeks ago, what songs did people play to make them happy, and the winners are:

Its a Wonderful World (Louie Armstrong)
I'm Yours (Jack Johnson)
Celebrate Good Times
Can't Live Without You
For All We Know
Kokomo
Jersey Boys
Abba
Vivaldi Four Seasons
500 Miles (the Proclaimers)

As for me, what songs are my playlist of what I play when I need a boost towards the positive?

Lifesong, and Father Spirit Jesus - Casting Crowns
Three Little Birds - Bob Marley
Hallelujah - Jeff Buckley
Amazing - Seal
Made to Love - TobyMac
Where the Streets have no name and Beautiful Day and Magnificent - U2
Walking on Sunshine - KC
Here Comes the Sun - Beatles
On the Beach- Chris Rhea

Positive thoughts.

-- Reading Your Healing is Within You, by Jim Glennon. Mike read this over and over years ago when he was diagnosed with lymphoma. It is a book to read over and over. -I'm reading a Henri Nouwen daily devotional. And a Sarah Young devotional.

-- Hebrews 11 and 12, this has been my go-to part of the bible since high school. They all had faith. They were "in it to win it". They kept their eyes fixed on Jesus. And on our God, the consuming fire, the God whose kingdom can not be shaken.

-- Centering Prayer. Ever heard of this? Praying without words so much, listening and just being with God.

-- Funny movies. Johnny Depp's Don Juan de Marco and Benny and Joon, Somethings Gotta Give, Animal House.

-- Redirect my thoughts. Whenever a negative thought, a doubt comes across my consciousness, grab it and lift it up to Jesus. He will take it away. Then I grab onto His hand.

I know it is the Holy Spirit in me that will guide my thoughts. I pray that they always be certain on the healing issue. I pray to increase my belief in my healing. I pray to keep me focused on Jesus. I know I cannot do any of this on my own, but I can do all of it through Him.

Off to mall walk.

Making sure that all day long, I keep my mind focused on Jesus and on things above. Be in the world, but not of the world.. One day at a time!

Romans 12:
And do not be conformed to this world,
but be transformed by the renewing of your mind,
so that you may prove what the will of God is,
that which is
good
and acceptable
and perfect.

Lumpectomy

Surgery was Tuesday, three days ago. I have pretty much slept through the last three days. I don't remember much.  That's okay.  I remember the nausea after surgery, which passed by the next day, but was horrible.

I also remember the process of getting the dye injected into my breast before surgery, so the dye could travel to that infamous Sentinel Node. It was uncomfortable lying on the cold table, in a cold room. They inject radioactive dye into the area of the tumor, so it will naturally travel to the closest node. The surgeon then takes that node out, they look at it to see if it has cancerous cells in it. Mine did. They didn't think it would, but it did. So they took out more lymph nodes.  About a baseball size of them, a good handful.

Surgeon Dr. R was fantastic. She came in to Mike and I first, talked over the surgery thoroughly in the pre-operation area at Florida Hospital Altamonte.  Mike sat next to me while waiting, exploring the IPAD.  J stopped in, welcomed break. He's got such a big heart. How wonderful love is.

I have drains safety pinned to my bra. Huge amounts of gauze are taped under my left arm and over my left breast. I don't want to look under them, at least not yet.  Don't want to move that area either.

Mack and Tray, the newlyweds, are here visiting. So good to have them here. Kindness and hope and future and light. And love.

Went out to lunch then got my hair cut and washed. GL had some advice....

Be thankful always

Be thankful I got cancer

Learn lessons

Let others do things for you

I am important

I can have it my way

Tell people what you need

Tell people what you want

Slow down

I have been in survival mode. I haven't been deep thinking much lately, and that is okay.  This morning I thought, God's got some things to change in me and I haven't been paying attention..... I don't want to miss the lessons. I want my character chiseled. God is very efficient. He didn't cause cancer, but He will use this for His glory.

I had been complaining... Why is life so hard..

Ha!

And when will it be time for Mike and I to rest...

Double ha ha...

Well be careful what you ask for, you might just get it!I have great friends, a loving family, all the things I could ever want. Why was I complaining?

I am a bit numb... I keep thinking this cancer is totally beatable, but
now it's in at least one node...wow! Yes they found it in at least one node, and we will hear more whenever. Am I wrong to not be scared? Should I take this more seriously? Should we change our lives?

I think its good to be a bit numb. God only lets you feel the emotions you should feel at any given time.

Ate at Cafe 118, raw organic vegan. Here's a photo of spaghetti and meatballs (raw zucchini tendrils, uncooked tomato sauce, meatballs of mushrooms and seeds dehydrated.) And those are basil, vegan mozzarella and tomato roll ups in the foreground. I liked it. You just feel so darned healthy when you are finished.
--

“Be still, and know that I am God”
Psalm 46:10