We all did it.
WE DID IT!
Mountains and Valleys.
We walked the path of chemos.
Guide me in paths of righteousness, for Your Name's sake. Psalm 23
Sometimes out of breath, sometimes with tears in our eyes, sometimes head tossed back to belly laugh. Sometimes alone, sometimes hand in hand, sometimes as a group.
Sometimes forgetting, sometimes tripping up, sometimes reaching to pick up.
Sometimes giggles, sometimes ethereal moments of heart connection.
Sometimes sadness, sometimes joy.
Questions, doubts, certainty, clarity, trust.
Sometimes eyes looking up, sometimes eyes cast down, sometimes eyes looking at each other.
Sometimes napping, sometimes sitting and wondering.
Sometimes wandering.
Then being still, and knowing.
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| Our kitchen sink area - gifts from friends, kids, family, and travels. |
So how did yesterday go, you might ask? It was a day of mountains and valleys. All in one day.
As before, I have a list of at least a dozen tasks to get done Monday and Tuesday. Got them done, phew!
Funny one with Dad, he said his television wasn't working correctly. He has a new big screen television with a controller that is so complicated, how can you help pushing incorrect buttons and reprogramming it? Well, he had it on truncated screen (so the scores of football games were hidden on the bottom) and I could fix that pretty easily by changing the VIEW setting. He had also hidden by mistake all the channels except two Spanish language ones, QVC shopping, and PBS. So he had only four of his seventy five channels available and those weren't the four he wanted. He watches the weather channel and ESPN mostly. Anyway, I now know how to program his television, and I know to check it often. We got him this new television when he said he couldn't hear the old one. The volume was broken, he just thought it was his hearing fading. He is not a complainer....
I also have a pair of dear friends who have met me for lunch the day before chemo each time. Aren't routines comforting? This was the very definition of comforting. Surrounded by women who I have known a long time, one since college (and that's a LONG TIME!) And with whom I have marched through so many life issues with. Don't you love it?
So, from that mountain, I passed into a blah valley. This is a person that I had an uncomfortable conversation with a few months ago. Anyway, I think I acted polite yesterday, but inside I was saying to myself, I want this conversation to stop! I have places to go, like CHEMO! I was resenting listening. Since I knew the last conversation we had was a bit dicey, I was extra nice and tried to focus. I knew at the time that God intended for this conversation to happen. In fact, I told Him that right there, while they were talking, that I don't understand it, but I will listen. I was trying to politely pull away. So yes, finally I did the "Gotta Go" probably too loudly. And I was running late, got home late, had to do my last two tasks too quickly, forgot my head phones.
Mike. Business has its mountains and valleys. Daily. He had a valley yesterday morning too. He had a mountain Monday. What a life, who needs soap operas! He couldn't have been more gentle with me, but being married thirty two years, I could tell. Marriage, you can tell. You share the mountains and valleys.
Well, then comes a mountaintop. We had the best visit with Dr. M ever. Can you believe it? My blood work was acceptable. White counts slightly low, only slightly. Red blood cells normal. No fever, no tingling in the nerves of feet and hands, no infection at incision area. So Chemo #6 was on.
We talked about radiation. He explained that Chemo gets to all the cancer cells that might have spread through the blood to your body. Since I have five incisions, those scars and removal of some blood vessels during surgery prevent the chemo from acting thoroughly on the area immediately around the tumor. So radiation zaps any cancer cells that might have spread adjacently. This makes complete sense. He wants me to start in exactly three weeks, so I will. We talked about the kind of radiation - IMRT vs GATE. He said they were the optimal machines, and were equal, just by different manufacturers. (note, he was not quite right, read description in later post about radiology oncologist.) Both are available in Orlando, aren't we lucky? And we laughed at the end of the appointment. Great appointment.
They were running late, so I could process why I was so peeved over the valley of the conversation above. Normally, I think it wouldn't have bothered me at all. Or only slightly. But hey, I had things on my mind and my soul. Trying to stay in the light and positive in all things while in Chemo mode. To do this, I started reading a document of verses on healing I have taken to each chemo, and that was good but my soul wasn't restored. So I borrowed the nurses' headphones, and listened to the last nine minutes of a sermon I had downloaded on my IPAD and hadn't finished. Now, you know what I am going to say. This last nine minutes was exactly my predicament, just change the names and location.
In general, you need grace in any relationship. With some people, you need more grace than others when interacting with them. I think you have experienced this and know just who those folks are. But every interaction we have is an excellent opportunity to share a glimpse of God's kingdom. Sometimes we need a little extra grace to be able to do that. We don't do this on our own. We don't do any of this on our own. I blew the opportunity to take the highest road and be uplifting. I was polite, but I know I was trying to slide away.
So I learned, from the sermon, you include people into God's kingdom by practicing grace. I don't do it because I want God to love me more. I do it because He loves me unconditionally and that loves pours out into me and flows through me to others. And others means everyone. Absolutely everyone. This is what I want. I failed in those fifteen minutes yesterday. BAM. When I had the opportunity I fell flat on my face.
I want to live transparently, and it makes me restless when I am not. That is a good thing, to be restless and unsettled when you know you have something God wants to tell you about yourself. God has forgiven me (I asked Him) for not being His hands and heart for them.
Isn't it the best thing that God lets you feel unsettled when you have something inside you need to work out? I always want to be this sensitive, so any anxiety or any diversion from the path God has set for me gets pointed out and dealt with and corrected right away. Do not let it linger. Do not let it interfere with the freedom of living every moment in God's presence and light. Not ONE MOMENT in the darkness. How cool is that?
Psalm 139:
Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts.
See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.
So then I could move on, focus on the chemo. And I did. Put on my meditation music (Ken Davis and Steven Halpern), and took up my five pages of written guided meditation especially for chemo treatments. It was wonderful. I didn't fall asleep. I read one paragraph, then closed my eyes and pictured the healing, then another paragraph, etc.. This time it was a strong hand pinching cancer cells, smushing them to smithereens. And then clean, clear water being wiped with the same strong hand over my organs, keeping them cool and refreshed and not letting the chemo linger and damage them. Keeping the healthy cells healthy. And anything that was not a healthy cell, it would pinch and smush.
Then I had a surprising image, which was good. Fuzzy honey bees showed up, and they were buzzing around my body, inside, and would pinpoint sting a cell that was damaged by the chemo, not hurting the healthy cells right next to it. I am really scared of bees, but wasn't scared of these. I do know that bees are focused on being accurate, and they don't give up easily. I liked that about these. They were my killer T cells following after the chemo, finishing up the job on any cancer cells
After chemo, back home for a little dinner. The dinner volunteer must have forgotten, but you know God provides and Mike and I threw together pasta and sauce and chicken from the freezer. It always works out.
Mike and I talked about the future. A milestone was passed for me; and maybe also for Mike. In that moment you can talk about the future, honestly and with vision. We hadn't been doing that much as we were both in survival mode. Future, let's figure out how to survive this week, this day! Mike still has responsibility for his mother's estate and his father with Alzheimer's in Idaho, and his developing projects. And for me. Quite a year for him.
A day of mountains and valleys, which is a beautiful view when you look back on it.
I know God is stirring us up, and is in total control. I like that.
I know radiation isn't a cakewalk, but what a joy to know that another HUGE chapter is closed.
Thank you for your steadfastness, your loyalty, your prayers.
Now on to the next chapter...
PS If you wonder what the photo of all the trinkets is, that is my kitchen sink with wonderful gifts from friends and family.. inspiring me.
