This photo is Mike overseeing S making Red Velvet Cake. She cooked all weekend. We dined like Julia Child was staying with us.
You know the feeling of laying down in your bed when you have had an absolutely exhausting day, and it feels so good to be horizontal and quiet and no lights on. Your body is so tired and your mind has been racing and you are at the point where any noise is too loud?
I did nothing all day Friday, but it was exhausting. At the end of the day, it was all my energy to walk upstairs. When I laid down in bed, my eyes popped open and I thought - I need you Lord. Just that, over and over.
I need you Lord.
Not, I want you or I trust you or I love you or praise you and I will follow you (which are all good things to feel and say, mind you.)
I need you Lord.
Every ounce of me, every inch of me, every part of me - needs you Lord. I can't do this without you. I need you right here, right with me, and don't leave me. Ever.
Never do I want a second without you, without your face looking right into mine and telling me you love me and you are my GOD.
Now we all know that it is not GOD's face that turns away from ours, it is ours that turns away from His. How perfect I just read the Prodigal Son Story, because at that moment Friday evening, I remembered how the Father, the compassionate and patient Father runs out to the Prodigal Son and then also runs out to the Elder Son. He runs out to them! When I speak the words "I need you", God our Father runs with open arms towards me. Its like He's been there all the time, just waiting for me to say them, and He is always always so overjoyed to hear me that He throws a big feast. Not what my stomach wanted at that point in time, but it was a symbolic big feast.
I said Friday night and I say now, I want to always remember how completely I need Him. ALWAYS.
One of my dear dear friends, one of those heart to heart friends, who journeyed through chemo years ago said she had never felt as alive as she did during her months of healing from breast cancer (surgery and chemo.) I have been tossing that around in my head, and now I know what she means.
You feel most alive when you have that straight line of vision to God. When you don't have the distraction of day to day details. When you have been immersing yourself in reading the bible and praying more than ever. When others are praying for you. Most importantly than all this, when you realize that you need to hand over control of every teeny tiny part of tomorrow to Jesus. When you realize you trust Him enough to lean out over the cliff into His arms and you know He will catch you, cradle you, carry you forward and up higher than you have ever been.
When have we all felt like this before? How about when your child is taken to the emergency room having trouble breathing? How about when the doctor tells you to take your child to a specialist, soon. How about those first few days after your mother dies? How about when your husband is diagnosed with cancer?
I have had this realization before, but I want it to stick this time. God is surely stirring Mike and I up. He's got something in mind, some way to tweak our lives, and I want to cooperate. It might be a lesson to learn, character traits to change, or something having to do with others' lives (this might not be about us.) But God is so efficient, I am certain He will use this journey for good for us. I really think so.
So, I need God. I knew that. But I now am dedicated to living it. It will happen. This is one big reason to be thankful I had cancer. A HUGE reason. Love to see the reasons, what a gift!
So, to describe the cloud. It seemed like a cloud this time, and yes you are all saying ... Sara, a cloud in the Old Testament is where God met man... yes thank you' all for paying attention. Even before I made the connection, this one felt like a cloud. Chemo #2 felt like a racing brook, with hot sun, that eventually cooled down. This one felt like a cloud, fog descending on me, like PigPen in Peanuts with his dust cloud. This was a cold, low visibility non-symmetrical sphere of humidity.
And you might ask, do I still remember that I need God?
I do.
I am thinking about how to stay on this path. I need moments alone with God. Listening to Him, being still before Him. Prayer where I am not talking, but I am just with Him. Not building up busy days and nights, but setting a gentle rhythm.
What is most assuring is that I am POSITIVE that if I ever, like the Prodigal Son or the Elder, start that turn away from Him, from knowing that I need Him even more than how you need water when you are thirsty after being out in the hot Florida sun all day long at a baseball game, I know that if I turn slightly away, He will call after me. He loves me that much.
If I ignore Him, just slightly, because that's what happens, He is in control. He will call out. Things just get so busy, I think I can do this or that without His guidance It isn't a bad thing, it just might not be what He wants.
I will ask Him to constantly cleanse me, search me and find what is not of Him. Keep me here in this vision line where I can see Him. It is the most beautiful sight, towards Him. Especially when compared to a cloud...
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I'm going to describe the details of each day this week of Chemo, so skip this if you don't want to hear them, which is PERFECTLY OKAY. I am doing this for my record, and for anyone going through chemo who might be interested.
Chemo Day 0 - Monday (the day before)
Great day. Walked the Millenia Mall with S and D, had my favorite lunch there, half a Thai Crunch Salad with no edamame, no cilantro dressing, peanut dressing on the side, and some avocado added. At least five refills of iced tea and a water to go. Aren't you glad you weren't the waiter? Went to acupuncture. I think acupuncture has played a huge part in healing. C who does it is an angel, she radiates light and caring, and physically knows how to help out my body - helping get my healthy parts healed and protected from chemo, working with oncologist. Paid bills, checked on Dad's and Mike's Dad's lives. Grilled pork chops,veggies for dinner. Watched Seinfeld.
Chemo Day 1 - Tuesday
This was a magnificent day. Just magnificent. Starting with some elliptical machine exercise (listening to my IPAD), lunch with seven uplifting and dear dear friends. So much fun. S came down again last night from Charlotte and will be here until next Wednesday, what a GIFT!!!! The doctor's meeting was short, chemo delivery itself went smoothly (its a non-event to me.) The nurse didn't twist the port as much, so there is no bruising, and it didn't hurt at all this time. One blip, I had a place that looked like a potential problem on the opposite side of the surgery site, so Dr. M. suggested I return to surgeon to have her take a look. She will decide if I should have a biopsy, potential site of another cancer. Wow. I am not going to worry, just do it. Nurses at chemo are just so kind! Still on Avelox for the sinus infection which is much much improved, almost nothing by now. Still doing sinus squirt bottle every night (with salt and eucalyptus oil). Dinner from M, delicious Cuban black beans and rice and pork. I am definitely from Dexamethasone steroid, but now we know it and also we know it will fade in a day.
Chemo Day 2 - Wednesday
This is the funny day. Your brain is buzzing, my heart is thumping, and I'm a foggy thinker. I misspelled a word I have spelled correctly for 40 years. S and I met M at the Millenia Mall and we mall walked two laps (Monday we did four.) I had that delicious salad again. I am drinking gallons of water, five L-Glutamine doses per day. The digestive system has halted, and I am bloated and retaining fluids. I look pregnant. I eat watermelon when I get home, and have a delicious dinner thanks to A. This is the day you feel like you have partied for five days. Your body is exhausted, but your heart and brain are hopping excited.
We started reading Your Healing is Within You, by Jim Glennon. This was so important to Mike seventeen years ago when he was diagnosed with CTCL. I read it then, and parts in the past months. We are reading it out loud.
Chemo Day 3 - Thursday
Slept again until 11, then to Dr. M for Neuplasta shot (revs up your bone marrow to make new blood cells starting Sunday, a GREAT thing.) Lunch with Mike, S and L, was delightful. I don't know that I contribute much to the conversation, but love hearing them talk. Then to Dr. R, the surgeon, to see what's going on. I have had a rash on my left breast for maybe 5 weeks, but didn't mention it Chemo #2 as we were talking so much about the sinus infection. So Dr. R says it isn't an infection (I'm on a strong antibiotic), she wants to biopsy it. (I want to jump ahead and tell you I don't think this is cancer, but that's coming later.)
At the moment I am truly stunned. She is a good surgeon, and takes lots of time talking with me. She wants to biopsy it as soon as possible, but wait until my blood counts are high enough so it heals. So, Aug 23rd (11 days from now) she will do a biopsy. The results will be back the end of the week so Dr. M has them by Aug 31, which is Chemo #4. She thinks it might look like Inflammatory Breast Cancer, but you only know by biopsy. And the treatment, Chemotherapy! It would be one I am getting and they would add another.
I think God only lets you feel the emotions you can handle at the moment; I wasn't really upset. S and I drove home, she concocted a delicious dinner, and we all talked. I ate the world's best Tuscan Vegetable Soup thanks to my Soup Angel who lives next door. I'm starting to feel like I have the flu, glands get tender and swollen. All par for the course.
We read Chapter 2 of Your Healing is Within You, about praying for healing, being certain God heals you, and accepting that healing. Went to sleep, uncertain how to take this news/ non-news.
Chemo Day 4 - Friday
Mike and I woke up at 4:30, you know those times, when you just need to talk. How precious they are, your hearts are breaking but the thoughts and words are from that deep inside place that we don't go very often. Then we prayed. We prayed for lots of things, but the one item that is important for this writing is we prayed and accepted healing for me. For whatever is found or not found, that it is healed. And I can tell you right now I have no doubt that God has healed whatever is going on in me that is not perfect health. It might take some time and chemo treatments and prayer to become evident, and I will be patient. But I know He has it all under control. This new development could be one of several things, Dr. R said, the funniest is "idiopathic rash" which is true medical vocabulary for "we are idiots, we don't know what is causing this rash." So I am done worrying about the rash. And I am grateful for the peace that passes understanding! I will still get the biopsy on Aug 23rd, but I know God has this under control. He has healed it.
I asked for a sign, while I was praying. Bold I thought, but Gideon did it. I felt heat. When I woke up a few hours later, the rash was minimal. Hard to see. YEAH! It darkens and lightens randomly. Not something to notice and tell the doctor now! Minimal. You can barely see some pink. Not the dark pink/red and swollen of the weeks in a row before. Its just barely pink.
Friday of Chemo has been the toughest, and so was this one. You just feel like you have the flu, except this time every single inch of my body ached. My forearm was tender when you touched it, my calves were tender when I walked, if you touched the top of my head it was tender. All my glands were tender. So you just lie down, nap on and off, listening to my Channel 434 spa music. You know you will feel better tomorrow, and nothing hurts (except when you touch it, ha!) Food isn't particularly appealing... it was a day of soup, baked potato, and banana. We watched Animal House, mindless, and I napped through half of it. I was exhausted when I fell into bed.
Chemo Day 5 - Saturday
Waking up, you know you are better. Had funny calf muscle spasms in the night. Maybe need potassium? Stepping out of bed, its a little surprising, but I didn't ache. YEAH! We all went to lunch with Dad at Jason's Deli. I find that place feels clean. Delicious French Onion Soup and iced tea. Napped all afternoon watching Watney have the round of his life at Whistling Straits. Dinner again by S (last night Julia Childs, Jr made pot roast, tonight grilled chicken and RED VELVET CAKE, how pampered are we?) To top off the evening, we watching the first few ever episodes of Seinfeld - they weren't quite as funny back then: Kramer had flat hair, Jerry wore red sweatpants, and George was more of the intelligent one. Anyway, I am back. And it feels so good!
Chemo Day 6 - Sunday
I wake up at 9:30 - which is at least an hour earlier than all week. Nothing hurts, glands a little tender still in neck. When I look, there are floaters in my field of vision, which are normal and so funny. No more antibiotic for sinus infection, I am healing left and right! Raisin Bran tasted really good for breakfast. We are off and running...
