Yesterday was a fantastic day.
Another delightful morning of dozing and praying and greeting the day gently.
Mall walked with D and S, just light hearted and fun. Old, old friends. Talked about our kids (who are now in their twenties and some married), our husbands (who we adore), weddings, the concept of leggings, the invention of shoes with good arch support, and other weighty matters. Ate at California Pizza Kitchen, again. Loved it.
Got home and was able to spend two hours on some work for Mike's mother, and some for our household.
A little nap and then dinner with J and B (not the scotch) at Luma, which is a little glimpse into what heaven will be - unconditional love, conversations touching topics you really are interested in, insights on personal issues, laughter because we all know this is just our temporary home, with Jesus sitting right there in the middle of it all. And GREAT food...
Speaking of great food, we came home to the pie that has captivated our family from the first bite, oh that ten or twelve years ago - Grand Traverse Pie Company Cherry Pie. W and A had mailed us two that VERY DAY, so we had the dessert of our dreams. I'm serious. I have had two of these mailed to us several Christmases, they are that good.
I fall into bed and can't get to sleep. One sentence a person had said awhile ago to me (not the people mentioned above) was in my mind, that I couldn't forget, and there I was, not sleeping, growing it into a huge mountain. This person absolutely didn't mean for it to hit me, but it did. They meant it innocently, I know that.
So I get up out of bed, and sit on the edge of the bathtub... saying "Why is it so difficult to be positive?" And there I go, tumbling down into, "Jesus, Why is life so hard, am I doing all I should be, am I on the right path, why did this second cancer potentially show up, why cancer in the first place, am I praying the right way, will my body be able to take more chemo, why didn't I reduce stress years ago, why don't I exercise more, why aren't I good enough, and finally can I really do this?"
All my dedication to thinking positive thoughts, believing in my healing one hundred percent, trusting in Jesus, keeping Him in my line of vision, and I just had fifteen minutes of doubt and negativity. I know in my life this needs to be looked after immediately. I am not in the least tempted to take a sleeping pill, turn on the television and distract my mind with whatever is on. I know this negativity is not how God intends me to be thinking and feeling. This is definitely not of Him. So He and I need to meet right away.
I tiptoe downstairs (not easy for me, I am not light on my feet) and get out my bible. Lie on the sofa under our angel painting. I love our angel painting. We all have angels watching over us, you know that. I have a good story about that, for another blog, don't let me forget. Zoom right to Hebrews 11, 12. Look at all those guys, they did it. They had worse stuff than me (Abraham with the Isaac thing, Moses in the wilderness with a lot of hot, unhappy people following him around, etc) and they didn't have a bible to read or Seinfeld episodes to watch for comic relief. Or toilets and showers. (These are wonderful inventions.) AND they didn't have Mike.
I put down the bible (IPAD) and start talking to God.
Okay, whenever you keep me up at night, you are going to work out something in me. Where in me is this hitting a raw nerve? What do you want me to know? What's going on here?
I admit, at first, I kept on going with the list of why I was justified to be hurt, what I could tell this person out of "love" to correct their view point. And I was just going to be that kind of strong women that pointed out to them where their thinking was incorrect. I was going to be the hands and voice of God to them. HA! Double HA! Triple HA!
I took a breath. This line of thinking just wasn't feeling right...
A tiny little thought comes into my mind.. maybe they have something that is hurting or bothering them in their lives which was the reason they thought this thought in the first place. Well now, its still about them, but a little bit of compassion and forgiving is starting to form in my mind. Its not about them hurting ME, its about them hurting. AHA! So if they didn't mean to upset me, maybe I can look at what they said in a different light. Hm, not take it as a statement against me, well that's an idea. Quite a good idea..
Going along that path, seeing that its really not about ME, I see that the statement wasn't as big and powerful as I was making it out to be. And that my reaction can be honest and short and then just move on. No need to react to that person, its only if I want to react at all!
The nerve it was hitting? That I wasn't perfect. Oh boy... I know I'm not perfect, but I see I was hoping to be. Yeah right, what was I thinking?
Now, easy to forgive that person immediately, on the spot. Probably no need to forgive them for they had no intention of hurting me. They have no idea my mind went on for awhile down the path of sticky, muddy self-doubting. And they don't need to know, but forgive them anyway right away, just to clean things up.
Anne Lamott: 'Forgiveness means it finally becomes unimportant that you hit back.'
Lamott is one of my favorite writers. She gives some insights into Christian concepts that are spot on. That said, I disagree with some of her politics. But love her.
So I am over it. I am still lying on the sofa, under the angel. It is totally dark and I am peaceful. Sleepy. Smiling. Praying for that person, for their life and their life changes, for their relationship with God and their family. For their business and their friends and their health. So easy to do.
Thank you SO MUCH God that you didn't let me sleep, but you keep my mind thinking. Because I needed to go to you and get this one figured out. Sleep, schmeep. You will keep me awake for tomorrow for what You want me to do.
Now, not all negative events like this are learning experiences. Yes, some are lessons to learn. Some are character building, and some are just not about me at all they are for other people and I am just part of it.
For this one, I did learn.
I learned once again that God is always there. He will never leave me in the pits or anywhere. He understands that I am not perfect and that doubt creeps in sometimes. IF I TURN TO HIM, He will gently and graciously reach out to me, lift me up and give me a great big bear hug. I don't need to be perfect, I just need HIM.
I also learned that I need to choose God. I need to choose to turn to Him. I need to choose positive. I need to choose accepting healing. It doesn't just happen. My thoughts feed my feelings. I choose my thoughts. (Of course there are folks with physical imbalances, but I do not have that and this blog is about me.) I choose joy. I choose hope. I choose Jesus.
And every day will be a beautiful day....
