Tomorrow is CHEMO NUMBER THREE. Twenty-one days have flown by. Flown by. I am not as anxious as the day before the first two ones. I know what to expect more, and I am certain the sinus infection is under control. YEAH! I have another seven days on this second dose of Avelox.God has come through fabulously the first two chemos. God provides every little, and big, thing we need. He works through all you, my friends. And the medical community. And even gives me humor and a napping partner in our dog, Sporty the basset hound, otherwise known as our Princess.
Had a wonderful visit with Dad Saturday. Just he and I for lunch and then back to his apartment to look at mail and set out his meds for the next two weeks. He told me that he didn’t want me to worry about him all week, just take care of myself and get healed. It was so sweet.
Then I walked out to my car, got in, turned it on, and tears came. I missed my Mom. She died December 22, 2001. They were tears of love. And I was so thankful these tears appeared. So thankful I have the capacity to love and be loved.
Speaking of love, Mike loves it when I cook. I cooked a lot yesterday; I won’t be cooking for awhile and I love to cook. Made Mike the Caramel Cake we discovered a few months ago. He’s allergic to corn, which means for the last thirty years I have not been able to cook with powdered sugar (its three percent cornstarch). BUT Whole Foods in their infinite wisdom has chosen to minimize cornstarch and high fructose corn syrup in their products (don’t get me started on HFCS.) Their 365 Powdered Sugar has tapioca starch to keep it from clumping. Fantabulous! Now I can make the icing we have all grown up to love - powdered sugar and butter and vanilla - as well as a host of other desserts with powdered sugar, this Caramel Cake being one.
It stormed all day long, so our basset hound Princess Sporty stayed in the kitchen pantry and shook from fear all day long. Nothing calms her down, we try to hold her, pet her, talk to her, and she still is so afraid of the thunder. Why is she afraid of it, I have no clue. Static electricity? Is it because of the unknown, what does she think it is? Well, she is a dog and I know that dogs’ and human’s minds function differently and I can’t figure this one out.
Why do we get afraid? When we don’t know what’s going to happen? When we picture the potential outcomes and one or more of them isn’t so good? When we don’t have control and we don’t trust who is in control?
I know my outcome is good, I know God is healing me, I know that there isn’t anything that will happen in Chemo #3 that He hasn’t already known about and has an answer for. So why be afraid? He has grown and is growing my trust. YEAH GOD!
I ask for your prayers:
for my healing to continue
for all caregivers (in particular Mike and Suzanne,coming again from Charlotte!)
for Mike’s back muscle to heal
for God to be glorified in all
P.S. I just had a phenomenal day - Mall walk and lunch with S and D. D is a cancer survivor of years and years. She said something that resonated- I was saying, Do you think this blog is too much. For me it is so cathartic. Such a release and I am amazed at the things God points out to me as I write. And I am getting some e-mails back that others are reacting to it. D said, you do exactly what you want to do to heal. This is my time to either be quiet and crawl inside, or emote and accept the friends who offer words and companionship. Everyone heals in their own way, not one is the wrong or right way. So do what I am led to do.
I am thrilled I read Prodigal Son. I thought of that for the forty five minutes I lay in acupuncture. The Prodigal Son, well he had issues of outward disobedience but he turned back to his Father (God.) The Elder Son, he had issues too, inward and judgmental and the Father went out to get him. I know the Father won't give up on him. That's what hit me. God will never, ever give up on me, if I tell him I am angry at Him, if I turn away from Him. He's just that forgiving. He loves me THAT MUCH. And with Him on my side, what have I to fear...
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Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice!
Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near.
Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.
And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus… Philippians 4
