Santa on the Avenue

The radiation technician calls your name in the waiting room, you get up, go through the door, enter the long hall leading to one of four radiation treatment rooms. Of course you stop to change into a gown before going into treatment. 

She's glancing at papers in a manila folder as you walk down the hall. She says to you casually as you walk down the hall, How are you doing?  I reply, I have a situation.

She stops walking, looks up from the papers, looks at me. It's not bad, I say. One of the dissolvable stitches from my second biopsy in August didn't dissolve, it has wiggled out. It's sticking out about an inch.  It's not a big deal, I thought it was a piece of towel lint on me when I was drying off after a shower yesterday, so I went to pull it off and OUCH! It is hooked onto something inside me. After treatment, the nurse snipped it off. That's the end of that story. Don't you like it when a situation ends easily. Boy, radiation is so much easier than chemo. Muscles and tendons still ache, we think that is from the antibiotic during chemo, and from the chemo itself perhaps. Getting better. 

 

Then to Park Avenue to walk with D and S. We bumped into Santa. D and S have been so loyal, walking with me and then having lunch every two to three weeks this whole time (since June.) Keeping up with me, getting me out moving about. Marching through the year, now hearing about the Thanksgiving holiday. Very upbeat and positive. It takes a village to heal one person....

A Circle of Six Beach Chairs

A circle of six canvas and wood beach chairs halfway between the waves and the sea grass covered dunes, in front of the beach club. Left over from last night, late last night. I've been walking for fifteen minutes this morning, time to sit and watch the ocean. Whitecaps as far out as I can see, very windy today.

A Moet-Chandon metal top is in the sand at my feet. And an empty green Heineken bottle. Don't you wonder what conversation took place here last night? They tried to clean up, but didn't get it all.

Aren't some moments magical? Stolen moments, spur-of-the-moment events. A handful of friends at the Beach Club's Opening Night party say, Hey let's go down sit by the water. They nonchalantly grab a bottle of champagne from the bar, a few plastic glasses too. As they walk through the party, they see two more friends, Hey join us we are going down to the beach. They come, carrying their Heinekens.

Out the wooden boardwalk, down the stairs, finding chairs leaned up against the posts at the bottom. Pull six into a circle, sit down and quiet for a few seconds. Then laughter, so did you see Joan's mom, is that a bad face job or what? So how was yesterday's shoot, bag any ducks? On and on and on.

Did they realize how magical that moment was?

I remember sitting on the beach at night. Decades ago. Another life. You wanted to dodge the crabs cleaning out their holes and finding midnight snacks. Which is fine, they want to dodge you too.  The whitecaps are lit up by moonlight. Colors are serene and so deep. Listen to the crashing waves. Relentless, peaceful, powerful. Powerful.

Whoever you are with, you are open. You are calmed and nourished by the surroundings. You don't chat, you idly talk. Conversation follows a flowing path when you are in the presence of peaceful power. Looking at a mountain view from a back porch's rocking chair, looking at a lake from a mesh chair in the middle of a lawn, looking at a fire from a comfy sofa. Nature's power. God's power.

Last night's party we all went to was a wonderful party. I had been out to the Golf Club for lunch, and napped on and off all afternoon watching college football. Unfortunately I hit the wall at the party last night, too many people, too loud, too much stimulus for me it felt like. I can't stand seafood or fish. The only food served that was not seafood were wings, so I ate four. Really.  Apologies to all you who love wings, but blah. Even the salads had crab or tuna in them. The centerpieces were horizontal columns of seaweed and real seahorses. That was cool. What a band, three violins, cello, keyboard. That was cool too. After thirty minutes I had to leave, broke up the whole thing for the fam. I insisted they stay, they didn't. I just couldn't take it, my whole body was rebelling by shutting down.

Fashion note, ninety five percent of the women were wearing black pants, ninety percent of the men were wearing khaki pants and blue blazer. Seventy five percent of the women had shorter-than-shoulder length blonde or frosted hair. Only five percent of the women had high heels. Ten percent of the women had frogs on their jackets or jewelry. Ninety percent of the women wore gold not silver jewelry.

Came back to the guest house, to bed, to sleep. Not good company for others. Just wanted to be quiet.

Feeling so much better today.  Took my walk on the beach, saw the gulls and pelicans and today saw a few sandpipers and a heron (it was flying, never landed.)

Thank you Lord for all the moments you give us. Some are easier to thank you for than others. Moments on the beach make the Top Ten List.

Life is beautiful!

Parable of the Bait Fish

Put my ear buds in, choose Nov 2010 playlist. I Gotta Feeling, Black Eyed Peas is cranking. I look out over the ocean from the top of the wooden stairs and I am smiling. Oh, this is what I have thought about for so many months. I walk down carefully (don't want any splinters) deciding if I should walk north or south. There's two guys fishing to the south, so I'll go north. Reaching the bottom of the stairs, I step into the sand. Sink down a half inch. Then another step and another. My goal is the hard sand right at the apex of the wave's reach. Not too soft, not too hard, not too much splashing.

I have tears forming. This feels so good, cool sand in my feet (its morning so the sand still contains the nighttime's coolness), waves crashing to my right, calls of sea gulls, smell of salt and seaweed washed up and shells. I think, have I ever really appreciated how good this feels? Have I ever really been thankful for taking a walk on the beach?

I remember lying on the white living room sofa at home under my ivory quilt for so much of the past seven months, feeling terrible. How overwhelmed with emotion, I know not exactly which emotion it is, that I am standing here in the cool sand embarking on a leisurely walk instead of lying under the quilt trying to get through another hour.
Break your Heart, Taio Cruz is the next song.  I head north. I am determined to walk twenty minutes and do some yoga postures in the midst.  I start off. Next Clocks, Coldplay and then Three Little Birds, Bob Marley. I stop. I am on a slight promontory of the beach, perfect. I stretch my arms and back, then do three Warrior poses with left leg forward. I'm feeling great. That Don't Impress Me Much, Shania Twain. Lose My Soul, tobyMac. I start back, then remember you have to do the same poses with the right leg forward.  Ahhh. If It Wasn't for Bad, Elton John/Leon Russell takes me through these poses and I am "glowing".

Walking back, I take the opportunity to sit in one of Windsor's Beach Club chairs set up under an umbrella. I need to catch my breath. DJ Got Us Fallin' In Love, Usher. Livin for Jesus, Third Day.

I didn't have  my camera or phone, so I'm going to have to paint this scene for you. Probably a photo wouldn't do it justice anyway.

There are bait fish running north. Last night at Thanksgiving dinner at the clubhouse, one of my aunt's neighbors commented on what a day it is for those bait fish when they are running. They jump up out of the water to get away from the pursuing sharks, and end up as dinner for a zooming in seagull.

As we talked about his comment, we think the food chain has more steps than shark directly to bait fish, but I simply told you what the neighbor said...

How do you Like me Now?, Toby Keith

The blue-gray ocean is calm, the bait fish are running just beyond the white foam of the crashing waves. I didn't notice them while walking. But here I set, just looking out, catching my breath.

I see more birds than normal out over the ocean. Way more.  Seagulls, pelicans, and two osprey. Hm. Counting the seagulls, about one hundred twenty seagulls, that's a lot. I have never seen osprey at the beach.

Made to Love, tobyMac.

More gulls are coming in. Okay, now I get it, the bait fish are running. One hundred twenty seagulls having the time of their lives, swooshing up and down, in and out, teasing the waves, eating fish. They are gliding in from everywhere. A feeding frenzy. Golden Corral on steroids. This could be a YouTube video, but I don't have my phone or camera. AHHHH.  Chaos like Target this morning at 4 AM ( it is Black Friday.) I was asleep at 4 AM, but I imagine it was chaos.

The osprey join in, one pair, circling above the seagulls for a minute, then they spiral up to a height where they don't have to flap their wings. They are riding the air current, two black silhouettes against the clouds. Little white puffs of clouds, like flattened cotton balls against a shockingly blue sky. Beautiful, Lucy Schwarz. This pair of osprey are showing no interest in the fish.  Bait fish and seagulls are fifty feet from me, really close and right straight off shore. The osprey are up three hundred feet or more. 

Hey Soul Sister, Train.

The seagulls are noisy and it is chaos. Noisy and non-stop motion.

Here come four pelicans. Fighter jets zooming in low over the water, landing in the middle of the fish and sea gull frenzy. Two more. Three more. Precise movements. They pelicans end up in a tight group, like buoys on the water. Bobbing over the waves. Seagulls ignore them, dashing everywhere. Ospreys above it all, needing only one wing flap a minute to keep in the air current.

Lifesong, Casting Crowns. Sweet Dreams, Eurythmics. Release Me, Agnes.

I notice the chaos of seagulls has slightly shifted north. I have to turn my head to the left to see the middle of their orbits. The seagulls have following the school of bait fish north. In their apparent lack of organization, they have adjusted to the change in location. Elevation, U2.

The pelicans haven't moved. Remaining in their squad of nine, floating over the calm waves. They are still where they were ten minutes ago. No bait fish to be found near them.

The osprey are up there in the clouds, three hundred feet or so, just coasting on air.  Amazing, Seal.

Which bird are you?


The Parable of the Bait Fish

Which one am I?

The bait fish are the experiences of everyday of our life. The moments of our life.  It is these which feed us, letting us learn what we need to live and thrive and grow. This sustenance isn't handed to us on a silver platter, we need to get out there and live our lives, to allow our experiences to affect us, see them  in the light of God. Daily.

And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, Romans 12

The Osprey sees all that happens every moment, but doesn't get involved. They work hard to rise up, but then they coast. They have the most power, but what good is that if they separate themselves from others and isolate themselves from experiences. They have put a lot of space between themselves and the bait fish.

The Pelican is drawn to the moments in life. They have good intentions, but they stop short. They like where they are, it worked before. Why leave the group to follow the bait fish?  Don't look too closely or think too profoundly, or you will notice things have changed.

The Seagulls just do it (with apologies to Nike.) They are a community, one where each member is independent and at the same time dependent. Some are eating, some coasting, some going closer to the food, some flying away. Round and round. One gull showed the others the bait fish originally, they all benefit. One gull sees the bait fish move, goes there, the rest see this, realize he is right and slowly follow. Calling to each other. Communicating. Helping each other grow.

They aren't elegant or methodical. They don't worry about the distant future, they simply follow the sustenance. They follow the source of life. One step at a time.

Where the Streets have No Name, U2.

PS
Mike has just entered the room, and I told him I thought up a parable.

I told him the title, Parable of the Bait Fish

He has his own story to go along with the title,
Be the fish, not the bait.
 
You gotta love him.

Thanksgiving

Oh you look so fabulous! Your hair is beautiful, keep it like that always.
Hug
Your face looks beautiful! I didn't know how you'd look.  Well, you look so so good!

Hug, hug
Doesn't she look good.
Hug
Oh Sara, I am so so happy to see you!
Hug, hug

Admit it, those of you who have lost a loved family member, isn't it good to feel a little piece of them still alive when you are surrounded by family?

Where am I? Perhaps my all time favorite spot in the world. Lying on a white wicker sofa of the Oceanside porch in Windsor, Vero Beach. You can smell the salt, see the ocean's blue-green-gray color I tried to match on our Winter Park walls, hear the waves crashing feel the humidity.

Summers when I was little, we would stay with my Gramma and Grandpa Correll at a house on the ocean in Bay Head, NJ. Our little family of three, plus aunts and uncles and cousins. As an only child, I learned about having a big family there. So much more action than the other nine months of the year in our home in Easton.

Friday night the men would arrive from work to spend the weekend with us kids and moms. It was lobster and clams. I would do races with the lobsters in the basement Friday afternoons, no wonder I couldn't eat them Friday nights. I would help in the kitchen by sneezing the clams seven times. You put them in the huge pantry sink and pour cold water over them, shake in pepper. They sneeze, and out comes any dirt and sand.


Another memory, when I was about ten I had a deck of bird cards, cards with details on that birds' migratory patterns, their physical description, habitats, etc. I remember going around to the adults on the weekends when they were sitting on the ocean porch with a cocktail, asking them to quiz me on a bird, handing them the bird deck. So you wonder why I was once locked in the closet by my older, far cooler cousins?

The ocean brings me back to summers as a kid. And brings my childhood closer.  My Aunt comes out to chat, takes a dead geranium flower in her fingers and snaps it off. The sharp unmistakable geranium stem smells of summers in Easton PA and Bernardsville NJ.  Mom and Gramma, respectively, also tended to their geraniums while chatting away with me and others sitting outside on porches.

Mack and Tray are with her family in Virginia. Mack's Gramma Correll's stuffing was a hit, as was Tray's Mashed Potatoes and her Green Bean Casserole. Mike and Corey are playing golf. I am about to nap. In five hours we will join the rest of the country in Thanksgiving dinner. 

Time marches on. Let us notice the precious moments that are contained in the march. And then comes thankfulness.

How could I possibly be thankful if I don't stop to notice the moments?

The Bridge that Carried you Over

Praise the bridge that carried you over  George Colman (1762 - 1836)

Dear dear friends and family,

The entire country is thinking about giving thanks, how cool is that?

What am I thankful for?

You guys.

For faithful friends who pray for me and encourage me and are part of what is good about the moment.

For opening up your hearts, being honest, looking towards the future with me. And for seeing it bathed in sunlight!

For your laughter and your kindnesses. So many kindnesses.

The quote above by George Colman shows me a little more how to be thankful for everything, which is a directive I read so many times throughout the bible.

"always giving thanks to God the Father for everything, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ." Ephesians 5

Everything that happens to us, and everyone we interact with, make us who we are right now. Sometimes they are the bridge that carries us over, sometimes they are the lesson we needed to learn, sometimes they are the impetus to redirect our lives (Bernie Siegel), sometimes they are the flame that refines us.

What else am I thankful for?

That God loves me, and you. No conditions, He loves us.

That God is always with us.

For Mike, Mack, Tray, Corey and all my family.

For you my friends.

For my new church, which I am getting to know.

For all the healing, by God's grace and with help from medicine of all areas.

For my circumstance in life, what a gift.

For having had cancer, as it made me be still, look to God, and get back on the path.

I wish you all a festive time today. Here's a Psalm of praise, if you wish to read it.  I need to read psalms to God, to get the praise thoughts verbalized, and this is a good one.

Psalm 100

A psalm. For giving grateful praise.   
¹ Shout for joy to the LORD, all the earth.
 ² Worship the LORD with gladness;
   come before him with joyful songs.
³ Know that the LORD is God.
   It is he who made us, and we are his;
   we are his people, the sheep of his pasture.
 ⁴ Enter his gates with thanksgiving
   and his courts with praise;
   give thanks to him and praise his name.
⁵ For the LORD is good and his love endures forever;
   his faithfulness continues through all generations.

1/3 Done - Thanksgiving

It's Tuesday before Thanksgiving. Everyone is getting ready for the BIG DAY. The newspapers and radio and television are talking about Thanksgiving.  Retail stores are promoting Christmas already, skipping right over Thanksgiving, but that's another story and I understand why they do that.  Doesn't mean I have to like it.

By all the media, I am reminded to give thanks in all situations, which is such a good message I need to hear over and over. How cool is that!

Right now I  feel tired and achy, like I am getting the flu but I'm not. My muscles or tendons are all just exhausted. Doctors tell me I will feel tired through January. I'm ready to feel good now! I overdid it a week ago.  I have been recovering all week.  The radiation area is sunburned, and stinging. As it is swollen, it is a bit uncomfortable getting dressed. Nothing hurts badly, just uncomfortable.

In reading over this, I sound discouraged. Do I want some cheese with my WHINE?  Tempted to erase this entry, but want to be honest. This is tough in a different way than chemo or surgery. It's two marathons, right in a row.  I'm ready to do things. I have things that are my responsibility (thinking my dad, Mac, household stuff), there are things I need to do, and things that are fun to do...

I want to remember this when others are going through a tough time, needing love. When my mother died I was lifted up solidly for a week with visits and notes and flowers from everyone. Which was great. Truly great, showered with kindnesses. It was my dear friends who kept touching base with me after a month or two. I have tried to remember that grieving takes time, to be attuned to my friends over the long haul.  I'm not always good with that...

Those friends and family who are steadfast, well, they remind me of an anonymous saying :
A friend is someone who knows the song in your heart
and can sing it back to you when you have forgotten the words.

We are going to my aunt and uncle's home in Vero Beach for Thanksgiving.  She is my mother's sister. That might be part of my sadness this morning, I miss my mother at random times (she died in 2009.) My aunt reminds me of Mom. Holidays are extreme emotions, missing loved ones that aren't with you, enjoying loved ones that are. Mix in with those emotions the fact that the loved ones who are still with you might drive you crazy, and you have a holiday!

Doesn't the world look a little grayer when you are exhausted?

Neat that I got a gift at my front door this morning, oh boy is it neat. It is nine little wood cut angels from a street market in Prague. Christmas Tree ornaments, each playing a musical instrument. Growing up, we had a "band" of elves as ornaments. I loved them, can remember rearranging them on the tree. You wanted to have them all together, as if they were really playing Christmas carols.We have lost all of them, they were played with by Mack and Corey too. Now I have a band of angels for our tree. YEAH! Thank you D....  Thinking of me in Prague, Bethlehem, Venice, Murano...

Double neat that Mack and Tray are driving to Tray's grandparents for Thanksgiving, and taking my mother's (passed down from HER mother) Chestnut and Sausage Stuffing. It is the BEST.

Today's radiation treatment was two hours long.  Because of the swelling, my tattoos have moved relative to each other so they had to take more x-rays and the radiologist had to recalibrate.

There's discussion in the news right now that the new x-rays at airport security have too much radiation and were too revealing of the person's body. HA, there's not much modesty involved in radiation treatments. And there is certainly lots of radiation.

The people that work there are so upbeat, so sensitive to treating you as a person. They made the two hours of up/ down/ in/ out/ back/ forth so much easier.  The hallways are painted like Florida county landscapes.

So, my prayer requests for today:
1. Thank you Lord for healing me so graciously through the months
2. I ask for patience
3. May your wisdom and your hands guide the radiation technicians
4. Please heal my sunburn, and direct me to see if there is anything I can do to help
5. May my words and attitudes over Thanksgiving weekend show love

=========================
Here's from a friend's email...
For each new morning with its light,
For rest and shelter of the night,
For health and food, for love and friends,
For everything Thy goodness sends.  (R.W. Emerson)

Speeding car

With all good and kind intentions, you occasionally hear words spoken for your edification that you can't believe people are truly telling you.

With all good and kind intentions, you occasionally hear words spoken for your edification that you can't believe people are truly telling you.

By more than one person, I have been told to go to a different doctor, use different chemo, to not have radiation, to not have chemo. And some have asked, why didn't I get a mastectomy?

My answer, everyone's situation is unique. I wish them all the best.

Listen to my dream of two nights ago.

I am sitting on the second floor porch of my home growing up, a gray wood sided colonial in Easton Pennsylvania. I am peacefully sitting in a comfy chair with my feet up on an ottoman, it's a pleasant sunny day with nice breeze.

I hear the doorbell ring, but I am almost asleep, so I don't answer it. I figure someone else will. Next I hear a friend's voice calling up to me from the yard next door, we will call her Helga so she remains anonymous to you, "Hey Sara, I want to come up and visit with you. You can spare a few minutes to talk, can't you?"

I look down, I am tired, but she looks like she won't take "no" for an answer. I say, "Come on up."

She appears on the porch (that's the beauty of dreams), and we move to chairs in the shade on the porch as she says she is too hot in the sun. We sit down, we chat for a few minutes. Then she wants to take me for a drive. I am okay about this, and next thing you know we are in a silver Mercedes sedan (I don't know what that means.)

She is driving. Fast. Really fast. On a tree lined country road. We are passing cars, even going onto the shoulder to pass cars.  The trees whip by. We speed past a red truck parked on the side almost hitting it, and I am scared.

I tell her I'm scared that she is going too fast, and she laughs and keeps speeding.

That's the dream.  It makes sense to me this morning. I have been trying to figure it out, and now it makes sense.

As you know, people in dreams are representations of a part of your own self, of the subconscious.  People  aren't in our dreams as themselves. So I try to think, what does that person represent in my life. Particularly, what unsettled emotion in my life does she represent.

Helga was the very first person who suggested a different doctor than the one I chose. She represents me questioning my treatments, questioning the decisions I am making and questioning that the outcome will be total healing.

What does my subconscious want to tell me in this dream? What is unsettled? Don't take even the first step down the path of doubting, as it is a slippery slope. One step, two steps, and I am in a speeding car... it's dangerous. So it's not really an unsettled issue, more of confirmation that I should trust the path I am on. Trust God, don't have my head turned to the left or right. Stay in His presence.

Stop negative thoughts immediately - catch them and throw them out the window. They can be persistent. They can be couched in good intentions. But NO...

Nourish the hope.  Stand firm on what I know.

God will shine light on my path, one stepping stone at a time.
Thank you Lord.

When you have come to the edge

While checking out from the gastroenterologist's office I saw this taped to the side of a computer screen. 

It's titled "Faith", and written by Patrick Overton.

When you have come to the edge

Of all the light that you know

And are about to drop off into the darkness

Of the unknown,


Faith is knowing

One of two things will happen:

There will be something solid to stand on 

or

You will be taught to fly.
 

 

Photo is of Corey parasailing in Sun Valley.
You start by stepping off the side of the mountain, right where I am taking this photo.
This is off Baldy. 
PS - The yellow thing blows manufactured snow in the winter, 
 not part of parasailing.

 

Dogs can chew through metal, Psalm 139, and other epiphanies

It's Friday morning, seven AM. Mike has just gone down the stairs to get some breakfast so I settle back into the pillows.

I am thinking about epiphanies. I remember hearing that word used for the first time in conversation in Mrs. Heller's eleventh grade English Class at Easton Area High School. James Joyce's Portrait of the Artist. The Artist had an epiphany. What an absolute joy it is to have a brain and to be able to think things out and understand concepts at a profound level.

I experienced one yesterday regarding trusting God.

I have been worried I am not doing enough, doing things right, etc. remember? Silly me, now this all seems so silly. How could I ever be light hearted if I am worrying so much?

I have handed my life over to God, so I simply keep my eyes on Him and He will show me how to do just what HE wants me to do. He knows far more about what is good for me than anyone does. He will lead me to the activities He wants me in, the friends He wants me to be with, the decisions that lead me down His path. Why am I worried?

An Epiphany to me in that this concept traveled from my brain into my heart, so now I will incorporate it into my life. It will be part of my Operations System. I can't say I won't slip back and grab some issues back from God (as if HE can't take care of them but I can?)... God allowed me to see another step down the path. Thank you!

It was a pleasant moment, talking with God, resting.

Then Mike shouts up the stairway," Sara, you gotta see this. There's blood all over." Well, those are the very words that will get anyone to jump out of bed and run down the stairs. Fast.

Not Sporty, but her crate.

Sporty, our eight year old basset hound, sleeps in a metal crate in our exercise room, which is right off the living room and office. She goes in there every night to sleep, it's a slow walk into the crate, but she goes in willingly. During thunderstorms we have sometimes found her in her crate during the day.

Last night she chewed her way out of her metal crate. Thin metal bars on her crate.  She has slept in there happily for years. But last night something compelled her to get out. Chew the metal until it broke, then she squeezed through the five inch high hole, which was about a foot off the ground. The crate was intact except for the four bars she removed. Snapped the metal with her teeth. Jumped out. Houdini would be proud.

Sporty was pacing around this morning, seemingly not very injured, but scared. Tail between the legs. Hiding in the kitchen pantry, then coming out and pacing again. She had vivid red bruises on her abdomen, and scratches all over her face and paws. Her shoulder stitches (one month ago she had a small tumor taken out) were fine. Phew on that one. She wouldn't let me open her mouth. Looking around the exercise room at the quantity of blood on the floor, I saw an entire canine tooth all alone. Oh no...

As much as I am the alpha dog, I am not going to pry open her mouth when she growls at me on touching it.

So I gave her some chicken broth, washed off some of the blood on her coat while she drank, and she laid down on my bed with me for another hour. Once the vet's office opened, I took her in. After x-rays and ultrasounds, we found out she had lost two teeth, and had broken off two more at the gum line. Didn't look like any other damage other than bruises and muscle strains. They took out the two roots and she came home at four that afternoon. Double phew...

I know what happened. I am horrified thinking of this. I can think of no other scenario. Thursday afternoon I was napping in the living room and heard one CHEEP of a smoke detector. Only one. We looked at the smoke detectors on the half of the house where I heard it, and they all (eight of them) had green indicator lights, meaning their batteries were okay. Didn't hear it again all Thursday afternoon or evening, and we were in the living room all afternoon and into the evening.

Today after coming home from the vet, I sat in the exercise room (where Sporty's crate is) for at least a half hour looking at the blood and the crate, trying to figure out why she chewed her way out. Sporty was in the hall, looking in at me. She wouldn't come back in the room yet, but she was looking in to see what I was going to do. I heard a CHEEP from above me. Oh no, it was the smoke detector in the exercise room low on battery, the indicator light was still green, but it was CHEEPing about every thirty minutes. I know dogs hear sounds more intensely than we do, so this CHEEP every half hour or so must have scared her enough to chew to escape the crate even though she was hurting her teeth and bruising her stomach. When it CHEEPed, she jumped up and left the hall. Amazing. My heart ached for her.

When you are not feeling good physically, or you are tired or upset, handling a new uncertainty is tough. I was already still very tired from Sunday and Monday, my right arm shoulder and elbow ache, I was awake at 5 AM. And I'm getting sunburned you-know-where. Pure aloe vera is all I am allowed to put on, so I bought several small aloe plants.

When I was with Sporty Friday morning lying on my bed, trying to figure out how badly she was injured and what to do, I was shaken. How could I have let this happen? You think that when you are responsible for someone else, pets or kids. What should I do to help her?  Is she going to be alright? Why is this happening, I don't want to stress out and worry, but I want to help her as best I can.

I remembered the Epiphany I was thinking about earlier that morning. God has everything under control, He knows the answers and He knows the best decisions to make. In EVERY SINGLE part of my life, including Sporty's health. Relax, lean into Him. He will make the path to follow clear to me, one step at a time.  Trust that He will guide us and get Sporty healed.

I have been reading Psalm 139 mornings lately, and listen to this verse. It is David talking to God.
(I have most of the Psalm pasted into the end of this entry.)

even the darkness will not be dark to you;
the night will shine like the day,
for darkness is as light to you. 

The path in front of me is in darkness. I don't know the future. I can't see ahead that far.

Don't worry, because nothing is obscured in darkness to God, He sees the best path for me to follow with Sporty. He sees my own path in full daylight also. Just let Him show me.

That's why I laid down and rested with Sporty some. I wanted to calm her, and me. She seemed to not be in immediate danger, and was peaceful lapping chicken broth and then peaceful laying next to me. I wanted to pray about how to proceed, and focus again on God. I wanted Him to shine light on the path. I have learned that sometimes I need to be still and listen to Him.

Today she is doing well. Even last night she went into the room where her crate used to be at bedtime, not traumatized. Today she has had mashed potatoes mixed with her dog food, all made mushy with chicken broth and blended to be smooth. She's had a walk and naps peacefully with me. It's college football all afternoon anyway!

I was so tired last night.

Imagine someone going through radiation with little kids at home. Or without a steadfast spouse. She doesn't have enough money this week to buy healthy food to help her body heal. Or she's working to make money, but is so tired that it's take-out every night.  Loaded with sodium so your swollen ankles and arms stay swollen. Then this happens to your dog, you pay $535 to the vet because of a smoke detectors. 

I am so lucky...

I am so blessed....

THANK YOU LORD!
===================================================

Psalm 139

 ¹ You have searched me, LORD, and you know me.
² You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar.
³ You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways.
⁴ Before a word is on my tongue you, LORD, know it completely.

⁵ You hem me in behind and before, and you lay your hand upon me.
⁶ Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,  too lofty for me to attain. 

 ⁷ Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence?
⁸ If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
⁹ If I rise on the wings of the dawn,  if I settle on the far side of the sea,
¹⁰ even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast.
¹¹ If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me,”
¹² even the darkness will not be dark to you;  the night will shine like the day,  

for darkness is as light to you. 

 ¹³ For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
¹⁴ I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful,
   I know that full well.

¹⁵ My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place,
   when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
¹⁶ Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book
   before one of them came to be.

¹⁷ How precious to me are your thoughts, God!   How vast is the sum of them!
¹⁸ Were I to count them,  they would outnumber the grains of sand—
   when I awake, I am still with you. 

²³ Search me, God, and know my heart;   test me and know my anxious thoughts.
²⁴ See if there is any offensive way in me,  and lead me in the way everlasting.

Lady Di and Joy

Prince William is engaged. He gave Kate his mother's engagement ring.

Any of you who are mid-fifties know exactly what Lady Di's ring looked like, the engagement photo was captivating. A large sapphire surrounded by diamonds, and she was in a royal blue suit with Charles standing behind her.

Then came the wedding - I woke up at 5 AM to watch the magic unfold. I was married and had a baby.  My life was diapers and 2 AM feedings,  her life was a fairy tale.  It was a precursor to today's reality television shows. No internet, television coverage was spotty. ESPN and CNN had just started (remember early ESPN - showing college lacrosse games with one camera shooting). Their wedding was the real life of all those stories where the prince and the princess ride off happily ever after.

Years later we heard about Camilla.  And next we heard about Dodi.

Didn't want to hear the fairy tale was fiction, but it was. So we all accepted it, and marched on with our lives. Loss of innocence as the years passed. Diana became another face we would see in the magazines at the grocery store check-out counters.

Remember where you were when she died, Sunday night of Labor Day weekend in 1997? How did you hear, how did you feel?

I was in Spring Island South Carolina with Mike, Mack, Corey. We walked into the restaurant for breakfast and there was the newspaper with headlines about the crash. I felt devastated.  I was surprised I was speechless over this event. A woman I didn't know, who had a created a life day by day. She had disappointments and hurts, and she had happiness and joy. She lacked for nothing materially. She was beautiful and had two healthy kids. A country adored her. Yet people say she was unhappy.

Who you love and who loves you, those are what count in the long run.

What did I feel seeing the headlines? I was incredulous that she would be dead. She was larger than life, how could she ever ever die, and in a silly car crash?

What do I feel now, thinking back on her?  I feel incredibly lucky.  I am alive.

I have family and friends who I love and who love me.
The things that count,  life and love.

Yes, I am in healing phase for cancer, but I know it is working.

Someone asked me today how do I know I am healing?

I said, I just know. I just know.

Paul in Philippians is all about joy not depending on what is happening to you, but on your goal being Christ. He was in prison when he wrote this book, and yet he talks of joy and contentment.

Joy does not depend on your surroundings.

Joy comes from turning to face God, and accepting His gracious gift of love.

And just knowing...

No Fork

Some things are worth getting up and doing.  Our college wood bat baseball league held our third Celebrity Golf Tournament this weekend. A solid fundraiser, funds half a team. Baseball celebrities from near and far join the participants for dinner here at our house Sunday night, and then golf Monday at Interlachen. Davey Johnson, David and Rick Eckstein, Hunter Pence, Fred McGriff, Gary Carter, Mike Stanley, Jim Hickey, Tim Wakefield, etc... 25 of them.

The point I am making here is, the guys from the office did all the work. I did barely anything. Even Sunday to set up for the dinner (buffet catered totally by Flemings) I did so so so little, even napped for hours Sunday afternoon before the event.

Monday I was at the golf club in the morning, then drove to treatment, home to nap and then back to the golf club at the finish.  Mostly I sat and chatted with folks.

There was a neat moment. I almost didn't go back to the golf course Monday after my treatment and my several hour nap. I am so tired already, the technicians had me see the doctor because the radiation field is already swollen and reddish. The doc said he hadn't seen this much swelling and redness after only five treatments, but I should remember to keep an eye on it and tell them if it changes. REMEMBER? How could I forget that? And my tendons ache. Even when not moving. I lifted light stuff and was more active Sunday that any time in the past five weeks, which added to my aches. It is a huge effort to get up and get moving sometimes. I take Advils.

After the afternoon nap, I was having one of those internal conversations, I should get up, I don't want to, Oh this hurts, Don't whine it's temporary, R and S and all the guys are so good they don't need me, But I should help ... You have had these same conversations I know. I took a deep breath, jumped up from the sofa and off I troddled. Troddled. Excited to be seeing everyone again, these are one hundred twenty neat people, very energizing to be around all this new and different and bubbly. You know, when you force yourself to do something that stretches you, you are always rewarded with an adventure...

So I reach the golf course parking lot, and standing right there in the parking lot is a young baseball player, a Major League All Star, so good he was a top round draft pick.  A great young player. At last year's tournament we asked him to be one of five to speak at the Sunday night dinner and he did a great job. While waiting to speak, he was holding his plate of food, which was full. I asked him if he didn't like the food and he replied, I forgot to get a fork. I just looked at him, and he went on to say, I don't want to go back get one because I am going to speak soon and I don't want to make everyone wait for me. WOW.  Now that's a person who is not self-centered, don't you think?  You gotta love him.

So back to this year, returning to the clubhouse after my nap, picture this.  I had parked and got out of the car.  Here he is standing at the side of the parking lot.  Groan, I am sore. But I start walking to the clubhouse and walk right by him.  I say hello and stop to chat. I tell him how I remember that no-fork moment last year. I tell him that moment shows me he is a really good young man, that he gets what life is all about. He is one who helps out others. That I think his attitude was so cool.  I thank him for that. He just looks at me and doesn't say anything at first. For a few seconds. Like five seconds. Then he says, I really needed that right now. Really needed that. We talked for a few more minutes, but you get the gist.

That's why I was supposed to go back to the golf club, I think, even though I was tired. It was not about me. And maybe not even about the golf tournament.

There are conversations we all have, and we have no idea how others will be affected by them. How we are used by God is up to God. I need to be open to doing what He wants me to do, saying the words He gives me. I think mostly, we don't see the results of our words or actions. We don't need to.    I need to trust God knows what He's doing.
It's not about me.

PS photos by Jim Hogue

33 Simple Words of Happiness

This week I received the most precious gift, to encourage me on for the 33 radiation treatments.

The kids in E's third grade class wrote the answer to, What makes you happy? on index cards, to show me so I can be happy and get well. I got 33 cards of happiness thoughts. Isn't that the neatest thing?

In May they each drew me a Get Well Card. Hallmark watch out, you have competition!

I have typed a few here:

Dear Sara, This is Diondre. I like to play football and I'm a running back in football. I'm on the Wildcats team and I love enjoying playing with the Wildcats.

Dear Sara, I hope you get well someday.  My family makes me happy. My family is nice to me. I wish I could meet you some day. I like to eat cupcakes. Love Sabrina

Something that can make me happy is my family because that is the thing that the only one that can make me happy in my heart but my mom loved me when I was in her belly and out. She will always love me if she dies or gets old even if I die she will be in my heart for ever and ever always. Love Shania Jones

What make me happy is when I do push ups because it makes me feel good. Fene

From Gillis Neal. Hello I am going to tell you the things I like to do. I like to play a lot of games and I like to dance and do math and read. What I like the most is having fun with my family. The end.

Hi Sara. My name is Tasanee and I feel really sad that you feel sick and I hope you feel better and my mom takes me to Chucke Cheese on the weekends or on my birthday or my brothers and we like to play in the care or go on the stage with Chucke and I like to play with my brother and friends. Tasanee

Peterson. Another think that makes me happy is new excited things like a pet, video game, and new toys. and exploring new animals and habitats. Do you like animals?

Dear Sara, I hope you feel better. the thing that makes me happy is going and having some fun with my family. And I was very happy about when I had a A honor.  My family took me somewhere special  my mom took me to the bowling alley. I was happy. 

Nothing in my hand I bring

 

Friday night, L showed us a print that represented the main idea, to her, in the Book of Romans. The concept of  God's gift of salvation, we don't have to earn it or pay for it, is so freeing.

Think on that, how free we are that God has done the work. I simply need to turn towards Him. 

Here's the words she said meant so much to her, a minister from one of her past churches said this before each sermon.

       Nothing in my hand I bring, 

          simply to the cross I cling 

They are from the third verse of the old hymn (written by Augustus Toplady in 1775) called Rock of Ages. You can listen to it.  Most of us know the tune.  

So two hundred years ago people understood that Jesus came so we could be free. Two thousand years ago people got the message also. Not everyone, some of them.   Oh, thank you thank you that I get it now...

Rock of Ages, cleft for me,
Let me hide myself in Thee;
Let the water and the blood,
From Thy riven side which flowed,
Be of sin the double cure,
Save me from its guilt and power.

Not the labor of my hands
Can fulfill Thy law's demands;
Could my zeal no respite know,
Could my tears forever flow,
All could never sin erase,
Thou must save, and save by grace.

Nothing in my hands I bring,
Simply to Thy cross I cling;
Naked, come to Thee for dress,
Helpless, look to Thee for grace:
Foul, I to the fountain fly,
Wash me, Savior, or I die.

While I draw this fleeting breath,
When mine eyes shall close in death,
When I soar to worlds unknown,
See Thee on Thy judgment throne,
Rock of Ages, cleft for me,
Let me hide myself in Thee.

... taglines

I have used these quotes as the end to my emails over the past few years. Each time I have saved the quote on my Facebook page, under QUOTES. Savvy aren't I?

Hope is passion for what is possible.
-- Soren Kierkegaard

Happiness is a journey, not a destination.

...But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you. Matt 6:33

Do not go where the path may lead, go instead where there is no path and leave a trail. Emerson

A life is not important except in the impact it has on other lives. Jackie Robinson 



I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work. Thomas Edison
 
We can do no great things, only small things with great love. Mother Teresa.

At a certain point, I felt God is not looking for alms. God is looking for action. Bono, 2002

The things we see now are here today, gone tomorrow. But the things we can't see now will last forever. St Paul

You see, you spend a good piece of your life gripping a baseball, and in the end it turns out that it was the other way around all the time. ~Jim Bouton, Ball Four, 1970

Baseball is a ballet without music. Drama without words. ~Ernie Harwell, "The Game for All America," 1955

God doesn't call me to be successful. God calls me to be faithful. Mother Teresa



Whether you think you can, or you think you can't--you're right. Henry Ford

It is easy to love the people far away. It is not always easy to love those close to us. It is easier to give a cup of rice to relieve hunger than to relieve the loneliness and pain of someone unloved in our own home. Bring love into your home for this is where our love for each other must start.
Mother Teresa

Baseball players are smarter than football players. How often do you see a baseball team penalized for too many men on the field?
Jim Bouton (Yankees)

It took me seventeen years to get three thousand hits in baseball. I did it in one afternoon on the golf course. -- Hank Aaron

We can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark; the real tragedy of life is when men are afraid of the light. Plato

It's not that I'm so smart, it's just that I stay with problems longer.~ Albert Einstein

There are three types of baseball players: those who make it happen, those who watch it happen, and those who wonder what happens. Tommy Lasorda.

Progress always involves risks. You can't steal second base and keep your foot on first. ~Frederick B. Wilcox

America, do you still dream a great dream? Buzz Aldrin, second man to set foot on the moon.

I alone cannot change the world, but I can cast a stone across the waters to create many ripples.
— Mother Teresa

Go out into the darkness and put your hand into the hand of God. That shall be to you better than light and safer than a known way... Minnie Haskins, 1908

Every time we remember to say "thank you", we experience nothing less than heaven on earth.
-- Sarah Ban Breathnach

All human wisdom is summed up in two words - wait and hope.
Alexandre Dumas Pere

What you see and hear depends a good deal on where you are standing; it also depends on what sort of person you are. -C. S. Lewis.

Wealth consists not in having great possessions, but in having few wants. Esther de Waal

Joy does not simply happen to us. We have to choose joy and keep choosing it every day. — Henri Nouwen

Be still, and know that I am God. Psalm 46:10

Finish Strong

Some wonderful conversations this week.

A handful of women, who didn't all know each other at first, together for lunch  (one to two hours.) All interested in encouraging and uplifting. All are "its not about me" women. Surrounding yourself with friends who nurture the good in you is so important. I like that! Then we all left, off to work, to China, to visit Dad, to nap, to grocery shop, to acupuncture, to exercise ... each to her own.

Here's a FINISH STRONG bracelet lent to me to wear for my first radiation. Pink pearls from the first chemo time, diamond bangle from wedding days in March, and Finish Strong for now, when I need it!

B commented about how she didn't know what to say to comfort a person who has just suffered a loss. I have been thinking about that. We don't often know the perfect words to say. The Spirit might give them to us, or does it really have to be the perfect words. I think the feeling of love is important. But really it is showing up that counts. The gift of being present. Just being with them, trusting that they will get from your actions and words that you love them and care for them. Realizing it is not about you but about them, loving them. What a gift and an honor to be able to open up your heart and pour out compassion and love towards someone else.

We all make mistakes, I have made a huge number of mistakes in my life. In my book, the biggest mistake is not trying. God can redeem a lot of mistakes. He can work through us even when we are bumbling along. But He has a hard time working through me if I sit at home, alone, not communicating with the world, frozen by fear of not being capable enough. Someone wiser than me said, God doesn't call the equipped, He equips the called. 

J said another thought is to email or text or tell the person a verse. God's words, how can my words ever top His? I know that through the past seven months, verses sent to me are treasures. This isn't my suggestion, it was J and S.

And while we are on the topic of technology, S said her son emailed her an article suggesting we all go cell phone free for half a day a week. I do that every day, park it in the mud room next to the garage and the kitchen. I check it at lunch and dinner. I don't like it ringing all the time, I can't think when I am interrupted often. But then, maybe I frustrate some people that I am not available all the time. Who knows...

Fear. Fear is on so many people's minds. How often do we search out ways to allay our worry or  fear? Fear seems to come up in conversation often these days.

My sheep, a gift from someone who listens.

I got a wonderful insight in something I read this week... when we are afraid of the future, about how something might turn out or about what will happen, we are not putting Jesus in the picture we see of the future. We should do that. He will be there. Right in the middle of it, whether it is the best case scenario or the worst outcome or somewhere in the middle. He will be there, right with us. With Him next to us, whispering in our ear that He loves us, what do we have to be afraid of? Boy, this changes my way of thinking.

I don't want to live afraid. I want to live trusting God for my future. Trusting that He will guide me in paths of righteousness and He will be a proactive guide that will bring me back to the path when I turn my head and step off. He will be there with me. He is my shepherd.

I want to live trusting that the world is good, that good things await us all. That overflowing love is in everyone's heart, including my own.  Starting with my own.

It's a beautiful day. Today and all my tomorrows.

Radiation Day 2 - Tattoos

Well, I didn't get Radiation on Monday, they needed to do another thirty minutes of planning with the computer and red laser beams and x-rays. It isn't with the machine I thought it was. And they needed to give me my five tiny dot tattoos.


I have said I would NEVER get a tattoo.
Never say never...

Tuesday was my first radiation, and today my second. It is as easy as showing up. Mike took me to the first one, which made the occasion even more peaceful and positive.

You put on a gown, walk into the huge treatment room, decorated "county Florida" and lie down on your pillow on the table. The blue triangular bolster is for under your knees. The items hanging on the clothing rack in back are pillows for each patient. They are molded to our heads and necks and arms (arms stretched out over our heads) so we get into the identical position each time. Mine is already on the table for me. The entire radiation machine comes out to me and rotates over me. The blue disk part emits the radiation. First from directly above me (for seven seconds today) and then it rotates with its two square arms to behind my left shoulder and does the second dose (for nine seconds today.)

They drew the radiation field on me on Monday. Yes, I was lying on the table while they were moving the machine and talking, I heard a click and once again the tell-tale smell of a SHARPIE. I said with a chuckle, Are you seriously going to draw on me again with a Sharpie. She said, Yes we are going to outline the radiation field and then take a photo of it. With a Canon Elph camera. I now have the outline of France on my torso. Of interest to me, they are getting the node area under my left arm as well as the left breast. They found a small 0.3 cm tumor in the sentinel node during my lumpectomy, so this gives me much encouragement that they are zapping the remaining nodal area. The cancer cells didn't just jump to the node, they were carried there by white blood cells trying to throw them out. So zap the entire area.

I have five pencil point tattoos. Getting a tattoo hurts. For five seconds each. How do people get a full portrait tattooed? It must really really hurt. These dots are for them to line up the radiation machine each time. Good idea, I am all for accuracy in radiation.

In the waiting room today, two women waiting were lying down sideways on the waiting room sofas. That is being really really tired.  So that will be me in four, five weeks.

The technicians at radiology are absolutely fantastic. Today they switched the music speakers input (which I think are actually on the radiation machine)  from Florida Hospital's soft rock to Kelly's (a technician) workout playlist from her IPOD. During my sixteen seconds of radiation I listened to MC Hammer's, Can't Touch This, while tech Chris danced. Does it get any better?

I continue to be so uplifted by friends. So much. I want to spend more time with friends. It is so fun. I have a radiation appointment every weekday, and want to continue meditating every day and spending time in quiet, some napping still going on. And there is exercise.  Oh yes and taking care of household things, Dad, stuff for Mike's family... But I want to spend time with friends! There just don't seem to be enough hours in each day, which is a good way to feel isn't it?

Email responses

You will finish strong.  The worst is definitely behind you, and  radiation is easier on your body and mind.  The skin may be a problem, but it will heal at the end of it all. 

I found a product called sumigold intensive heavyweight moisturizer which helped a lot on my burned,  bumpy  and itchy skin.  If you google sumigold, you can read all about it.  The site has a special rate for those going through radiation.  My radiation oncologist approved of it for me to use during and after my treatments, and I am still using it as it is one of the best moisturizers that I have found.

One down and 32 to go!  My prayers continue.
=======================
Think energy and friends. 
==========================

Hello dear friend-

Today starts a new adventure and if I understand correctly, at fifty-something you are getting tattoos!   Very nice

I saw this item in my Acorn catalogue (no not the organization!)

You may be familiar with it already.  It is a collection of all things British… which I love.

I immediately thought of you and the club (all 13-15 of them as I recall in the name???)

Hope it makes you smile at least.

Hang in there- We can do this.

========================

 

So with that GO KNOCK 'EM dead and know that each ray or beam of radiation knows it mission and it will complete that mission.

Lots of love, prayer and hugs from afar.
======================

Continue to pray and am always here for you.  Love you!

===========================

I hope your day went well and you are sleeping like a baby right now.  Know that my prayers have been with you.  I know you will finish strong because you know who is at the finish line!

================

You are in my prayers everyday and I  know that God is making that radiation work.

=================

 God bless you tomorrow and everyday throughout your ordeal!

==================

I'm so glad to hear you have started the radiation and are through with the Chemo!  I admire you for your courage and your strength, and believe me I know what it takes to get where you are.  I keep you and Mike in my prayers and get strength from your e-mails.

==================== 

Keep the faith and know I'm thinking of u and sending love and prayers your way.

============================

So, today must have been a big day, but I also hope it was a letdown- not too big a deal with the radiation. At least, I know that is what you were hoping.

Much much love,

Be well and finish strong.
===============
I am glad the worst is behind you.  You have been quite the warrior.

And you are not going to believe my story about Leon Lett and a funny personal experience I had with him...

Twenty years ago, he was in town in Atlanta and staying at a hotel with his team for the Super Bowl that year.  I was working at that hotel at the time and was heavily involved in the hotel arrangements and other accommodations regarding the players.  Anyway, the press was at the hotel and there were lots of fans around, etc.  This was after he had made that mistake and he was really embarrassed about it and wanted to avoid the press, etc.  I was back by the service elevators and I see this huge black man hiding and looking a little confused.  He asked me if I could get him to his room in a way that avoid the attention the Cowboy's players were receiving in the lobby.  I told him I could get him to his room by the service elevators.

Anyway, on the elevator ride, I asked him name, etc. normal chit-chat.  He said that his name was Leon Lett and that he played for the Cowboys. 

I felt bad for him, but I had to laugh at the contradiction of this big huge man, who looked liked like he would never have anything to fear, fearing the attention of the press.  I felt so bad for him for him though, b/c he was humbled, demoralized, quiet and head hanging low.  He was like a big, soft, gentle, fuzzy sad teddy bear.

I thought you might appreciate that story. :)

 

Radiation Day 1 - La'Chaim!

Today dear friends is Day 1 of thirty-three radiation treatments.

Every weekday from now till Christmas week.

I understand that this is nothing like Chemo, that the worst is behind me and I am truly grateful.

But I want to finish strong.

That was the point of yesterday's sermon - Finish Strong.

The sermon started out with Leon Lett's story, the defensive tackle who recovered a fumble during the Cowboys Super Bowl XXVII victory over the Bills, but Lett couldn't help showboating on his way to the end zone. He slowed down and danced to celebrate the touchdown, but he was not over the goal line. With the ball in Lett's outstretched hand, Bills receiver Don Beebe caught him from behind and stripped the ball ONE INCH short of the goal line. The ball slid out of the end zone for a touch back. He never scored.

Then we moved to 2 Chronicles 16 and find King Asa of Judah (Israel was split into 2 countries by then, Israel in the north and Judah in the south). Asa started as a righteous man. By the thirty sixth year of his forty one years as king, he stopped relying on God, made treaties with other kings who weren't godly, and basically thought he could do it without God's guidance. WRONG CHOICE.) Sounds like the story of King Henry VIII's reign, for those of you who are Tudor fans.)

I'm thinking Asa didn't one day wake up and say, "Today I have graduated from God's school of life, and I don't need Him anymore." This is the tricky part. It was probably a slow movement away from God. One step off the path. Doesn't even realize his thought is in a direction God doesn't want him to take. Second step off the path, still not in a bad situation, but not where God would put him. Third step, forth, and then fifth, hanging around with a few different counselors (friends for us non-royalty), maybe new activity added. By the time you are on the  fifteenth or twentieth step, your path is now headed for a totally different life than God's choice for you. But now you have around you new people and situations that maybe aren't easy to distance from because you have separated from your old life. This new life isn't SO BAD. But it is not so good either.

It is a slippery slope away from the path God shines His light on for me. Why would I veer from it? Because I don't know I am. I don't notice I'm off the path unless I look. So I must not be looking.

If I ask, God will show me. No matter how far off I am, He will lead me back. Just ask. Really.

God is not trying to trick me up, He wants me to look towards Him every day, all day long. And if I simply look to Him, He will guide me on the path of righteousness (definition: acting according to moral law, without guilt or sin.) Pretty spiffy isn't it.

Finish Strong. That's the nudge I needed... yes I will!

I even saw FINISH STRONG for the first time Wednesday, on the side of Olympia High School. When you have a phrase put in front of you twice in a week, it gets your attention.

I had a moment of "verklempt" exiting church yesterday, tears flooded my eyes as I thought, I am scared. I don't know of what. Intellectually I'm not scared. Just an emotional moment. It was a moment, then it passed. Lunch with B, didn't even talk all about me being scared. It's not the words but the love that carries us through.

Toasts at dinner last night with more dear friends, To all our healing, To being radiant through radiation, To  glowing, To good friends, To our families, With much Gratitude, La'Chaim!

So, FINISH STRONG. As I come to the next chapter in this adventure, I will finish strong. I will keep my eyes on Jesus, spend time with God. I will cooperate with the radiation, picturing the Ray of Light which shines in the darkness. The darkness will not overcome it.

Thank you for your continued prayers for healing.

Thank God for the healing that we already see,

and Thank God for the healing that we will be seeing.

Every day is more beautiful

Every day is more beautiful than the previous one.

Played Scrabble with friends, mall walked, talked, cooked, went out to dinner. My strength increased. Joints still ache, port still uncomfortable, and I am so strangely tired. When I am up and around I am feeling so good. Then I go home, lie on the sofa and my eyes close.

Sporty is better, the wound is only open slightly. I got her kid sized t-shirts and she wears two at a time, so when she scratches the stitches don't get bothered. The things we have to figure out! Don't you agree that basset hounds are unusually shaped animals.

Friday was full of friends. How I love days like that. B came to visit in the morning.  She had breast cancer oh ten years ago. Now she is one of those people who, when you come in touch with them, you are surrounded by light and acceptance and curiosity about life. We talked about feeding the soul. Deliberately seeking out holy places and putting yourself in situations where your soul is nurtured. Think about that.

We all are mind, body and soul. We spend several hours daily taking care of and improving our body, which is good, eating, exercising, dressing, grooming.

We spend hours daily enriching or stimulating our mind, I would say. Reading newspapers, books, magazines, discussing politics, watching television, conversations.

How much time each day do I spend restoring and feeding my soul? Much less time spent each day on my soul than on my mind and body. Definitely.

And which of these three is going to last forever? My soul.

This begs the question, are my priorities how I want them to be? Not asked in an accusatory voice. Asked in a reflective voice.

Then to Booklunch, called the Lucky 13 (even though there are 14 of us), in our twenty-first year. So comfortable to be amongst this group. It has a personality all its own after 21 years. The book was Colum McCann's Let the Great World Spin. Hearing others' opinions on something I've read always opens up my eyes. The two main characters Corrigan and Jazzlyn reflect the Twin Towers in NYC, I never would have seen that. And they never talk about themselves, we know about them through others' stories. All tied together by the August 7, 1974 act of French funambulist Phillippe Petit. Do you know what a funambulist is? Well I didn't either a week ago. It's a fancy way of saying he's a tight rope walker.

Here's a good quote from the book:

What Corrigan wanted was a fully believable God, one you could find in the grime of the everyday. The comfort he got from the hard, cold truth – the filth, the war, the poverty – was that life could be capable of small beauties. He wasn’t interested in the glorious tales of the afterlife or the notions of a honey-soaked heaven. To him that was a dressing room for hell. Rather he consoled himself with the fact that, in the real world, when he looked closely into the darkness he might find the presence of a light, damaged and bruised, but a little light all the same.

Yes, there is light in the darkness. Every day is capable of small beauties. I need to look, intending to see them.

Had a conversation about resentment. Why do we resent someone? It is such an ugly emotion. No one wants to resent another, it just bubbles up unexpected, when you least want it to. L said maybe because we are wounded in just that area, and wish we weren't. Another L said maybe because our cup isn't full and we think theirs is. I think it has to do with both. When I feel God's unconditional love pouring down on me, I resent nothing. Notice that is FEEL, not just know. And resentment can show me clearly something I need to work on in my life.

We talked about so much, profound and light. What are we all thinking for Christmas gifts? What do we do when we are awake at night reciting our fears?

J says she keeps telling herself, Give them to God. And she does. Every time she fears, she gives it to God.

My fear that bubbles up now, did I do enough? Have I been redirected enough? Have I changed what needs to be changed, enough? B says immediately, " Don't be so hard on yourself!"

Then home to nap, and dinner with friends. Laughing and laughing and laughing. It was worth staying up!

And today, walking in the glorious sunshine. Lunch with Dad. College football on the back porch with blankets, with Mike. Does it get much better?

Radiation starts Monday. More sunshine.

Life's looking better

Feeling so much better today, physically and emotionally. What a difference one day can make! What makes the difference? Time, immersing myself in positive thoughts while trying to throw the negative ones out the window. Being gentle on myself instead of criticizing myself. Meditation with guided messages (one on healing was good.) Talking with Mike. Listening to last week's sermon online. Playing Angry Birds and Scrabble and Words with Friends. Seeing improvement in Sporty. Getting more sleep.

Halloween evening just made me feel good inside too. Relaxed evening sitting in lawn chairs on the street with neighbors, gathered around a fire pit, eating chili and Peanut M&M's, giving out candy and chatting with the younger neighbors. How fun is that?

Sporty now has a kid's t-shirt, which fits her better and protects the staples and stitches. She was up at 5 AM again this morning with her paw caught in the shirt, but that was before I got a smaller size shirt. Actually she is wearing two t-shirts. Double coverage. I think we will all get a good night's sleep tonight.

Today I had my first yoga session at D's home, it was great! The leader R was incredibly knowledgeable and kind. A relaxing session, I didn't do everything all the way. I want to add some things to my life to help me stay relaxed and in tune with my spirit. Yoga is one. Meditation is another.

I am still tired. It's a different tired than pre-chemo. It's achy and itchy eyes and heavy tired. But my mind isn't tired, which is why it's so difficult to lie down at time. I know I should rest.  I will rest. Gives me a chance to be still, to visualize healing, to let my thoughts wander, and to pray.

Eugene Peterson, translator of The Message, spoke of the Christian life as "a long obedience in the same direction."  I have learned once again, in healing as well as life, this is a marathon not a sprint. This part of healing is SO MUCH EASIER than the physically taxing chemo. I tend to be impatient. I want it done NOW.  Nope Sara, be patient. Take those deep breaths. What is the rush?

I'm in it for the long haul.